Beep... beep... beep...
The outside world was a hazy view of colours that did not fit together. And her head hurt. She tried to move, but just couldn't. She wasn't restrained or anything, just too weak.
"Katsuragi?" The voice was concerned.
Only with some delay did Misato recognize the voice. She still couldn't see clearly, her eyelids only half up.
"...Ka...Kaji?" she asked.
"Right here," the man confirmed.
Misato groaned and fully opened her eyes. She flinched at the light falling onto them, but she could see she was in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines, with Kaji sitting on a chair pulled to one side of that bed.
"What... are you doing here?" she further asked.
He grinned. "You'd be surprised how many doors an U.N. Inspector ID card can open."
Misato groaned again. That was just like him. Though, at least there was a person there now who could talk to her. "What... happened?"
"Evangelion 03 was infected by an angel," Kaji told her matter-of-factly. "It awoke during the activation test and took over the unit. EVA-03 then mauled the facility and headed towards Tokyo-3."
"There... there was a battle," Misato stated. It wasn't a question.
Kaji nodded. "Commander Ikari mounted a defence line at Mount Nobe. The angel was defeated, Touji is doing fine, given the circumstances, and EVA-03 could even be salvaged."
Misato noted a certain hesitation in his voice. He had been very careful about this, but he couldn't fool her. "Something happened." Again, a statement of fact.
Kaji nodded gravely. "More than just one thing. Apparently, Ikari had an automation system for EVA-01 activated, after Shinji just... refused to fight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened there; it's not something he told the U.N. or the Committee. The system did very well in battle, until it just... stopped. Mid-movement" He hesitated. "That's when EVA-00 went berserk."
He stopped. After a while, Misato understood. "Rei..."
"She somehow managed to transfer the angel from EVA-03 to her unit," Kaji explained softly, his voice, usually so rough, now barely above a whisper. "And then she ran away and... she activated the self-destruct without ejecting."
"Rei..." said again, but then fell silent. She closed her eyes.
"Yeah," Kaji just confirmed.
A thought hit Misato and she immediately opened her eyes wide. "Shinji... Asuka! Are they..."
"They're fine," Kaji reassured her. "Asuka was knocked unconscious, but there is no physical harm. The doctors expect they'll wake up again during the night. Shinji hardly got a scratch."
"But... Rei!" Misato insisted. "Rei died. And... if Asuka is in the hospital, Shinji will have nobody around! You should have stayed with him!"
"I... Katsuragi, I had to come see you," Kaji told her. "When I heard you had been caught in the blast..." He stopped, his face cast in stone.
"You can't leave Shinji alone!" Misato protested. She breathed heavily, the burst of anger having exhausted all her energy reserves.
Kaji held up his hands in defence. "Don't worry. I asked a friend to take care of him."
Misato looked at him with narrowed eyes. "A friend? Have you been in Tokyo-3 long enough to make the sort of friends you could trust with that?"
Kaji smirked. "Ah, but you know my charms, Katsuragi. And she is very sweet, and cares about Shinji."
Even more narrowed eyes. "She?"
A broader smirk. "Are you getting jealous of Shinji?" He leaned towards her. "After all, she's with him. I'm with you."
Misato grimaced. "I didn't invite you."
Kaji sat back and remained silent. Misato suppressed another groan. Okay, so Kaji was annoying most of the time, but he had come here to see her. Speaking of which...
"Where am I, anyway?" she asked.
"The NERV hospital in the Geofront," Kaji answered. "NERV launched a large scale rescue and evacuation operation of Matsushiro." He smirked ironically. "Can't have outsiders get involved, after all."
"You're beginning to sound like Asuka," Misato said accusingly.
Kaji shrugged. "Maybe it does take a teenager to show us adults when we take ourselves too seriously. The hospitals in Tokyo-2 would have been far closer." His voice got more serious. "And if you had been found later, or been transported to a hospital later..." He stopped. "I'll have to go through the casualty list. Maybe some of them could have been saved if NERV hadn't been so stubborn."
"You're taking a job seriously," Misato stated and sounded genuinely amazed. "Will wonders never cease..."
Kaji went back to smirking. "It's a very convenient job. I wouldn't say being a U.N. inspector opens all databases to me, but... it's a good start."
"Just... don't go overboard," Misato cautioned him. "The world needs NERV. And I..." She remained silent. "Just be careful in what you do. Asuka would miss you."
"Well, the doctors say they want to keep you for observation at least for tomorrow still," Kaji blatantly changed the topic. "Once you're released, I do think you could use some free time."
Misato weakly shook her head, as much as her pillow allowed it. "As soon as I get out of here, I need to see Shinji. And Asuka as well. With... with Rei gone..."
"Hm," Kaji voiced ambiguously. "Yeah. You're right. But we haven't had any real chance to talk in private ever since I've come here. You've always been... busy."
"I am busy most of the time," Misato defended herself heatedly. Then she groaned. Maybe it was the anger, maybe that she had talked so much, but suddenly she had a headache. She closed her eyes and continued, "But thanks for coming."
"Well, for now, just get better," Kaji told her. "I'll come again tomorrow." Again that smirk. "Count on it."
He stood up and left. And Misato knew she could count on it. That had always been the scary part about Kaji...
Rei dead. She groaned again. Damn... Asuka had once called her out for having worked with Rei for a year and yet never really having cared for her. The girl had always been so quiet. And maybe she had not been treated properly by her guardian, Commander Ikari. And now she was dead. At least it wasn't Misato who had sent her out to fight this time, but... It could have been. Would have been me, if I hadn't been injured. And it could well be Shinji or Asuka next time.
Shinji...
[[[Trigger Warning for following section: Shinji's heavy emotional fallout from the battle]]]
.
.
.
Shinji was in a dream. People moved weirdly fast around them, almost without contours, and their speech was hollow and unintelligible. He didn't move, didn't talk. LCL, open air, plugsuit, clothing, it was all somehow the same to him. None of it was real. Sure, he did leave the entry-plug and changed into his normal clothes, but in a way that was just a brown-haired boy. Shinji felt like an outside observer to it all.
Shinji watched as that boy was guided around by adults in uniforms. He recognized none of them. They all looked the same to him. He didn't want to go – wanted to just sit in a corner and... and not think. To just end there. But among their unintelligible voices he could understand their commands to go on, could feel their hands pushing him forwards... gently, maybe, but still ultimately against his will. He wanted none of this. It was better to do nothing, think nothing. Thinking meant remembering, remembering how...
...Shinji thought it better to do nothing, think nothing. But he just did as he was told. In truth, it wasn't really him who moved, anyway. He was like a puppet on strings, being moved at the whims of others, because doing otherwise would just be too difficult, too exhausting.
It was difficult enough to discern anything around him. People running, shouting, blurring into each other, all being the same. A vision of chaos, in which Shinji was a timeless bubble. All the chaos whirled around him, never touching him. He couldn't even tell how he moved through it, would never be able to recall specifics of what happened, but somehow he found himself with a young woman in NERV uniform.
As the two moved away from the others, towards a car, Shinj, as an outside observer, recognized her. Lieutenant Maya Ibuki. But the brown-haired boy gave no sign of recognition and just walked at her side. She said something, but he gave no response. Her words were unreal, virtual, imaginary. How could anything be real after Ayanami...
...the brown-haired boy walked at Ibuki's side. The two entered a well-maintained, silvery-whitish Toyota Prius. There was a small Hello Kitty head on the driver's window. There was a red Little Tree air freshener hanging from the ceiling, though Shinji couldn't tell the scent. In contrast to the car's exterior, its upholstery had seen better days. The seat still was comfortable enough. And Lieutenant Ibuki was saying something.
Shinji didn't even notice the car had started. Outside, there was simply another scenery every time he looked. And he had his view transfixed on the outside, just staring into nothingness.
Finally, some words reached his mind. "Asuka at least is okay. Don't worry. She'll return. It's just sympathetic shock from the neural feedback. There isn't any physiological reason for her unconsciousness. The doctors figure she'll wake up during the night, most likely." She sighed. "It's dreadful that nobody will be by her side, but Mr Kaji really wanted to see Captain Katsuragi, and I... well, someone needs to look after you as well."
Shinji heard the words now, but none of it really registered. He was in an endless virtual plane with changing sceneries. That was all.
The car stopped. Shinji's step were automatic. He didn't fully realize where he was, but he instinctively knew the way from the parking spot to Misato's apartment. Just as automatically and instinctively he opened the door. Only when he reached the kitchen did he realize he had let Ibuki in together with him.
"Sit down," she told him. "I'll make something to eat. I hope you don't mind if I'll take from your supplies for my own meal as well. I'll replace it tomorrow, promise!"
Shinji didn't even understand what she meant. He simply sat down at the kitchen table as he was told and looked fixedly ahead...
...a moment later Ibuki put a plate of hot soup in front of him. He looked at it without comprehension. Gently, and without comment, Ibuki placed a spoon in his hand. He looked at the spoon, then began using it. Mechanically, he dipped the spoon into the soup, led it to his mouth, emptied it, dipped it into the soup again. Always with the same rhythm.
Wind whistled from Ibuki's direction... no, a whisper.
"It'll get better, Shinji. It'll get better."
Right. Shinji just nodded. It sounded right at least, and it seemed like this was the expected reaction.
He only once looked up from his plate. Ibuki looked... worried? Yeah. That was the emotion. Worry.
He noticed his plate was empty. Worldlessly, he stood up and carried it to the kitchen counter.
"Don't worry about it," Ibuki told him. "I'll wash up."
Shinji nodded and left the kitchen. He went straight to his room. Without changing he sat down on his futon and... just... stopped... thinking.
EVA-01 just walking, no input from him. He knows Ayanami is somewhere behind him. And then the loud explosion. EVA-01 falls to its feet. A giant purple cross of light filling the sky...
Shinji sat on his futon. And now it all came back to him. Ayanami... Ayanami... there was no Ayanami anymore. He would never again enjoy her reassuring presence. Would never hear her words, always understanding. Would now be all alone and bereft in this world.
And it was his own fault!
Ayanami had sacrificed herself because he hadn't fought. Because he had been too weak. Because he had refused to fight because of his emotions, his sentiments... his fears. He had killed Ayanami! The realization of that was horrible. He had killed Rei Ayanami, a person of beauty, who had already suffered so much anyway, and now she had died so young, and it was all because of him, and he was guilty, and it should rather have been him who had died, because who would miss him anyway?
Asuka was gone as well. Injured in the fight. Who knew if she would ever come back. Maybe he'd also lose her fire, her passion... her understanding due to having lived through the same as him... And Touji. Maybe he would lose his friend as well. He would remain entirely alone.
The next angel would come. He would have to fight and suffer again. And then the next angel, and the one after that. He could leave at any moment, except that he couldn't, as the fate of the world rested on him. So he had to fight, again and again and again. The battles would go on, and he would lose others as well, and then he would remain all alone, and he would fight and he would suffer, and that was his life now.
I have killed Ayanami!
Maybe that was his punishment now. To go on fighting forever, with no end in sight. With no possibility of retreat, because people were counting on him. But it wasn't a punishment he thought he could bear.
...Ayanami...
Maybe... maybe... with her he could have stood that life. But now, without her? He couldn't quit. People were counting on him. If Asuka was right, the entire world depended on him. That wasn't something from which one could just walk away. So he would be burdened with suffering the angel fights his entire life.
...I killed Ayanami...
He stood up. Slowly, methodically. He walked towards the balcony door. Opened it. Walked up the railing. Looked at the city in front of him. Giant towers, glistering lights. That was the world he was supposed to protect, had to protect. Of course one couldn't just step down from that duty. But that meant that his life would continue to consist of suffering. But now without Ayanami to support him, possibly without Asuka as well. And if he didn't lose her now, he would in the future. And Ayanami's death was his fault. That was his life now, and there was no changing it.
His life...
He breathed out. And again. Then he raised a leg... and lowered it again. He closed his eyes and lowered his head. He opened them again to look at the city. Tokyo-3. The city that expected him to protect them, to protect them by suffering – and quite rightfully so, because only he could pilot. So there was no escape here, except...
His grip around the railing got harder. He again raised a leg, imagined himself raising it over the railing... but he couldn't. He became frustrated. If he remained a coward now, then there would indeed be no end to it all.
And besides, he had killed Ayanami. Caused her death, at least.
Ayanami...
He breathed out and again raised that leg. He would go through with this. But he hesitated. He had to go through, but he couldn't. He just never had been the type to go through with things. He again lowered the leg and just stood there, doing nothing, looking at the city. He didn't know how long this lasted. Finally all the thoughts in him united in a whirlwind.
Ayanami, his life, the pain, Ayanami, Asuka, Touji, Ayanami, his guilt, his cowardice, Ayanami...
He closed his eyes. This time, he actually did manage to raise his leg over the railing. But then he hesitated. He didn't know how long he hesitated, how long he just remained like that...
...he was abruptly pulled away from the railing. Arms enclosed him, a body. Ibuki didn't say anything. Didn't scold him and didn't even shout out any shock. She just stood on the balcony now and held him in a tight hug. She didn't let go of him. Even after quite a while, she still remained quiet. She just stroke his back and held his head against her shoulder. She was only minimally taller than Shinji.
Shinji didn't want this. Of course Ibuki would pull him away from the railing. That was part of her duty, both as a NERV officer and because she had said she would look after him today. And he didn't mind that; it wasn't like he had been truly determined to go through with this. But to hold him now? Why? He didn't deserve this. Didn't deserve any of this. Didn't deserve this... niceness. He had caused Ayanami's death! Ibuki had witnessed that from the command centre. Didn't she care about that?
But Shinji didn't resist. Was too weak to resist now. Just let himself be held. And in truth, he didn't want to fight this. He didn't deserve to be comforted, but at the same time he also didn't want to get away from that comfort. He felt instinctively that he needed it. He maybe should still fight it, because needed or not he didn't deserve it, but as usual he was just weak.
Weak...
His eyes became wet. A first tear dropped on Ibuki's shoulder. She didn't comment, didn't seem to care, only stroked his hair now. Shinji became simply overwhelmed by this niceness, this comfort. More tears came. He didn't deserve any of this, he had killed Ayanami, his life was in ruins now, and it would just go on and on like this, all without Ayanami, on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
He cried into Ibuki's shoulder now.
.
.
.
[[[End Trigger Warning]]]
Asuka's head hurt. That was when she realized she was awake. She felt nauseous as well. It probably was like the worst hangover ever, only that Asuka of course had never actually had any alcohol-fuelled hangovers to compare her current state to. She was 14; she didn't yet get to drink and nonetheless already got to have hangovers. Somewhere, there was a point in that, but right now Asuka couldn't quite catch it.
I'm alive.
That meant they had won. And yet, Asuka couldn't feel joyous about this. It certainly hadn't been thanks to her. She had simply been knocked out of the battle. The enemy's very first action, and she had been down. It was embarrassing.
Useless. Useless, useless, useless.
She had failed. She was of no use to anyone. Why would anyone bear with her? She was disgusting. Maybe they'd still tolerate her. Misato was the Operations Director after all, and she one of her assets, no matter how bad. And Rei was now her roommate, so the blue-haired girl would have little other choice than to put up with her.
Asuka breathed in and out, trying to calm herself. She knew she was overreacting. Nobody would leave her just because of one defeat... though could she really be so sure about that? As much as she was telling herself that, a feeling of fear remained. And in any case, she was just disgusted by herself. Losing like that had been just pathetic. And in the end, she had even held out for Shinji to rescue her. She! Had held out for some one else to rescue her! What had she even trained piloting EVA all the years for? Apparently, it had made her barely passable. Apparently, just by natural talent, she was a loser.
With shaking hands she grabbed the electronic clock on the bedside table. 4:13... And apparently nobody was coming to check up on her. It would be a long night.
Asuka lay in the bed and couldn't think of anything to distract her. Her mind went through the battle again and again and again, until she wasn't only disgusted at herself, but also bored by that disgust already. As the long hours slowly ticked away, she became ever more certain of her own unworthiness. By the time the first morning light hit the Geofront outside, she didn't even need to think about it anymore. It had become accepted normality.
Of course nobody would come see her, not even the nurses. Why should they? She didn't deserve company, and of course nobody would want to have anything to do with her. Asuka knew of course how silly those thoughts were, and that meant the fact that she was still thinking them... it was just self-pity. Even more pathetic. But, with nothing else to do, Asuka couldn't stop those thoughts. For hours, she was all alone with self-destructive thoughts of disgust at herself, and with nothing to do to distract herself from them.
Finally, there was a knock at the door. Asuka looked at the clock. 8:32 "Yeah?" she answered the knock.
The door slowly opened part-ways, and a brown-haired head looked in. Asuka recognized it: Lt Ibuki.
"Uh... hello... Pilot Soryu," she greeted her. Hah. Learned her lesson. "May I come in?"
"What do you want?" Asuka asked instead of answering.
"Well, uh, I was about to tell you..." Ibuki replied with an awkward smile.
"Fine, fine, come in then," Asuka relented.
Slowly, almost hesitantly, Ibuki did so. Finally, she declared. "Well, I'm here to get you home."
Asuka raised an eyebrow. "You?"
"As... Soryu, Captain Katsuragi is injured," Maya explained softly to her. "And Mr Kaji is with her."
"Typical!" Asuka scoffed. "They only care for themselves."
Ibuki went over that with a polite smile. "Well, Mr Kaji has sent me to pick you up."
"Urrrgh. Fiiine!" Asuka relented. "Go outside and let me change." Ibuki turned around, and Asuka asked, "Oh, by the way, how did the battle go?"
Ibuki stopped mid-movement, frozen. Then her shoulders slumped down. Slowly she turned around again. "It was... complicated," she answered quietly. Far too quietly for such a simple answer. "EVA-03 – it was piloted by your classmate, Touji Suzuhara."
"Him?" Asuka exclaimed and sat up straight in her bed. Then she remembered. "Hikari told me NERV agents had... oh my god. He was chosen as... as Fourth Child?" Ibuki simply nodded. "Why that idiot?"
Ibuki looked at her oddly. "I do not know how the Children are chosen."
There was an uncomfortable silence. Asuka was still digesting this news. She had failed, and the new pilot was an idiot like Touji. Even stooges like him could climb to her level then. Hell, maybe he was her replacement. Then she remembered to ask another question. She tried to overplay any embarrassment about not having done so before. "Did he survive?"
Ibuki nodded. "He did. He is injured and will need to stay in hospital for a few days, but is expected to make a full recovery. Even EVA-03 could be salvaged. Sh... Pilot Ikari is... unharmed." She didn't sound quite convinced as she said so. And now she hesitated.
And there was only one person left to be listed. "Rei!" Asuka shouted.
Ibuki lowered her head. "EVA-00... it went berserk. It freed EVA-03 from the angel, but..."
"Rei!" Asuka shouted again. "What happened to her?"
"Rei engaged the unit's self-destruct mode," Ibuki whispered. "And stayed inside it to maintain the AT Field that kept the angel in its place."
"Rei!" Asuka shouted once again. "Did she..."
Ibuki just shook her head.
"No, no, no, no!" Asuka protested. "That can't be! It isn't true! It can't be! Rei... Rei can't be dead! Not now! Not after... she can't be! Do you hear me, Lieutenant? She can't be!"
Ibuki just looked further down on the ground and said nothing.
"This is bullshit!" Asuka raged. Her fists hammered on her blanket. "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! What is this? To have her... have her... NOW? Nonono, this just can't be! You must be mistaken! It can't be! She can't be... she just can't!"
There was no sadness in Asuka. Even at the funeral of her mother, she hadn't shed a single tear. Even now her voice was steady and her eyes were dry. But there was rage, so much rage at a universe which would dare do this to her now.
She had... yes, she had loved Rei. Loved and lost without ever telling her, because she had been a coward, a coward who hadn't been able to admit to herself that yes, she liked people her own age, even if they were still teenagers. And now it was all too late... No! It can't be!
Rei had been serenity. Calmness. Quiet in the midst of all the turmoil that constantly raged inside Asuka. This had been important. And now... now she was gone? Just like that? Of course Asuka wouldn't accept that! Such a serene being as Rei could not exist merely in the imagination and memory!
She was only muttering now. "No, no, no, no..."
"Please do change, Soryu," Ibuki whispered. "I'll wait outside."
The car ride was quiet at first. An awkward silence hung in the air of Ibuki's small car, as both passengers tried their best not to look at the other. Inwardly, Asuka was fuming. This all just had to be bullshit. What were those NERV guys thinking, first sending an Evangelion against her, and then waking her to tell her Rei was dead? That Rei supposedly was dead!
Finally, Asuka drily demanded to know, "What happened?"
And so Ibuki told her. Softly, quietly, factually. That Shinji had figured out Touji was piloting EVA-03. That he had drawn the angel-infested unit away from EVA-02, but then had refused to fight. That the angel had then disabled EVA-00. Shinji had then refused to fight, and in reaction the Commander had ordered the activation of the "dummy plug" - apparently, an EVA automation systems. The "dummy plug" had fought well, but had finally just stopped. And that was when EVA-00 had gone berserk. The unit had somehow scraped the angel off EVA-03 and then detonated with Rei inside it in order to kill that angel.
It was too much for Asuka to take in. She didn't know what to make of it. Her thoughts were dominated by a single thought: Rei was dead. Rei was dead. Rei was dead. But even so... Why didn't Shinji fight? Why did the "dummy plug" stop? Why did EVA-00 go berserk? Might Rei have still lived if one of those things had gone differently?
After Ibuki had parked her car, she and Asuka went to Misato's apartment. Shinji opened for them. At first Asuka was about to protest... but then, did she really want to return to her apartment? The apartment she shared with Rei... had shared with Rei? No, that was a terrifying prospect.
As soon as he had opened the door for them, Shinji simply went into the kitchen and sat at the table, eyes straight ahead. After she had removed her shoes, Asuka hesitantly joined him there. It wasn't like she had anywhere better to go.
"Hopefully, Captain Katsuragi will be released from hospital today," Ibuki told them quietly. "If not, I'll check up on you this evening again. But NERV really wants me to write that after action report, and my own apartment is a mess and..." She stopped herself. "I'm sorry. I'll see you again this evening. And hopefully Captain Katsuragi as well."
Neither of the two pilots answered her. She simply left the apartment.
Subsequently, for a time that seemed like hours, Shinji and Asuka just sat at the table without doing anything. Not looking at each other, not speaking, not even moving. There was nothing to say and nothing to do. They both knew. And with Rei dead, what was there to actually do? What sense would there be in any activity? So they just sat there, together but alone, and did nothing. Midday passed into early afternoon.
Finally, finally, Asuka found the will to say something. It was small and quiet, exhausted and emotionless at first.
"Why didn't you fight?"
Shinji didn't answer. He didn't even seem to have caught her question. He just looked at the kitchen table as he had for at least the last hour.
"Rei sacrificed herself. She had to fight."
Again, there was no response from Shinji.
"She had to fight because you didn't. She had to sacrifice herself because you didn't fight."
Was there a flinch in Shinji's face? But apart from that, there still was no reaction.
"Didn't you promise to protect her?" Gradually, increasingly, Asuka's voice got louder, more lively, angrier. "Is that what protection looks like to you?"
Shinji balled his hands, one of them lying on the table, into fists. They trembled.
"Why Shinji? Why? Why did you let her fight alone? Why didn't you protect her?"
Shinji was now breathing heavily.
"Answer me!" Asuka demanded. "Why, why, why, why!"
Tears rolled down Shinji's face.
Asuka was breathing heavily as well. "Well?" She heard a small whisper, but she couldn't understand it. "What was that?"
"Rei is dead..." That stopped Asuka cold. Shinji's voice got louder now. "Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead." His voice got slurry from all the crying.
...Rei is dead... It was like a renewed realization of that fact. Asuka just sat there, looking blankly at Shinji, who was by now crying his eyes out.
She abruptly stood up, so that her chair was on the verge of falling over, and leaned forwards over the table edge. "You could have... you could have..."
"Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead."
Asuka stopped. There were now so many emotions inside her. Anger, so much anger. A sense of utter and total loss. A sense of betrayal, that Shinji hadn't fought for Rei. But also pity for Shinji, who was by now a miserable wreck.
Even with all that anger, she wasn't sure she could uphold her strong and stern pose for much longer. Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead.
She walked over to Shinji's chair. She wanted to accuse him. She wanted to finally get an answer out of him as to why he had failed her.
"Shinji..." she began sternly.
Unexpectedly, Shinji's head turned around to her and looked up at her. It was a mess of tears and swollen eyes. "You promised me, Asuka. That you would protect me. That you would cover for me. I... I never wanted..." Then his upper body collapsed on the table again. He repeated his mantra. "Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead."
It was weak. It was pathetic. Yes, Asuka had recognized that before and promised to... but how could he appeal to her promise now after he had broken his? It truly was pathetic.
...Rei is dead...
And Shinji was a crying mess right in front of her, entirely lost in his mourning and his guilt.
She couldn't help it. She couldn't not do it. Her arms grabbed around Shinji's, and she laid her head on his shoulder. Her eyes remained dry, but they were united in mourning. Soon afterwards, Shinji sat upright, his arms around her waist, his head buried in beneath her chest, her head bowed down and on his back, her arms below his shoulders.
She still didn't cry. She never did. But...
Rei is dead. Rei is dead. Rei is dead.
She let herself be comforted by Shinji, just as she comforted him.
Shinji was spent. Entirely. There just was nothing left of him anymore. All energy, all of himself, had flat-out left him. He felt numb, unable to really process any emotions anymore, unable to have any desires or motivations. He merely existed.
But he was at peace.
He was sitting on a pillow in the living room, his back leaning against the wall to the kitchen... and his head leaning against Asuka's, who sat besides him. Where their hands touched, their fingers were intertwined. Both just sat there and rested. Shinji slowly but hungrily drew energy from that closeness to Asuka. She was still at his side, despite everything. She was still here, at least.
He felt like he never wanted to move again, that he just wanted to sit in this silent comfort, and let the world outside turn without him. It was enough for him to just sit here with Asuka. The world outside was just hurt and pain and loss. He had had enough of that. He was physically unable to take more of that. Any more, and he would shatter.
But he had Asuka, at least.
Outside, the sun slowly began to set. It didn't matter. Time was meaningless. Shinji would not do anything, anyway. He had no desire to even only move, not even the strength for it. It took a while, a long while, before he felt ready to even only speak again. It was like a case of a heavily injured person, whose body would only slowly regain its strength and capabilities. So it was with Shinji's entire ego now.
Asuka's thumb stroked his hand.
He breathed out. "I... I think I loved her," he admitted quietly. He wasn't even looking at Asuka. He just spoke into the air in front of him. It was just something that needed to be said, rather than true communication.
And so he was quite okay with there being no answer. But after a few minutes, Asuka did speak up. "Yeah... me as well, I think."
That... did give Shinji pause. He looked down his own head at hers beneath it. She had loved Ayanami? Like... in that way? But in his current state, Shinji couldn't really think about it, couldn't even be really surprised about it. He just accepted it. It appeared they both had lost Ayanami.
"I'm sorry for you then," Shinji said. It sounded totally emotionless, as he simply had no energy left for emotions.
"I'm sorry for you," Asuka responded in the same way. After a while, she spoke up again, slowly, hesitantly. "It... it seems we're all we have left. Each other."
Shinji considered that for a long time. "Yeah," he said finally. "We only have each other now." It was true. It had been Ayanami who had first talked to him, unwittingly supported him, helped him to get through the day. Then Asuka had arrived, a person who understood him because she had gone through the same. He... he had liked them both. And now, only Asuka was left.
"But..." he spoke up after a while. "But... what if I lose you as well? Everyone has always left me. Often they didn't mean to, but it still happened."
Asuka's head wiggled itself free from beneath his. They now looked each other in the eye, faces merely centimetres apart. Shinji didn't blush. He was still too exhausted for that, and the closeness to Asuka was good.
"You don't want that? To lose me as well?" Asuka asked.
"Of course not," Shinji insisted with a quiet determination. "I... I would like to just continue like this. With you close by."
"Yeah," Asuka agreed. "Same for me." It sounded like she had trouble admitting it.
"So... I don't think it's possible, I don't think the world will allow it..." Shinji continued. "But I would like to never lose you."
Asuka's eyes widened slightly. Then her face darted forwards. Their lips met.
This time, Shinji did not jerk back. This time, it was good. It was right and proper. This was the person he was supposed to kiss. It was still an act of desperation, of course. A desperate clinging to each other so they wouldn't lose each other as well. It was hardly the ideal first kiss.
But it didn't matter. He was kissing Asuka. He was close to Asuka. He wouldn't lose Asuka.
He didn't know what he was doing, of course, what he should be doing. He very much doubted the cheap soap opera romances he sometimes had happened to catch or whatever it was that Touji was... "reading" were very accurate there. He just had to go by instinct. He didn't really trust his instinct, but what other chance did he have?
Asuka's face slowly retreated from his. And for all his doubts, he knew very much he didn't want that. His hand grabbed her shoulder, and then he laid his arm around it to pull her closer again. It was just a gentle push, and Asuka seemed to have no objections. The kiss began anew. And this time, Shinji didn't think. He just let his lips and his tongue do their thing. He felt Asuka's hand stroking his back.
Closeness. Acceptance. Trust. Closeness.
The kiss eventually ended, as all kisses do. But even then, Asuka and Shinji kept looking in each other's eyes. Shinji was okay with staying like that. Asuka was fascinating, a presence of fire and righteous anger and now so much softness. He could look at her like that forever.
"So... does this mean anything?" Asuka asked. It almost sounded like a challenge.
It was typical that she had brought this up. Shinji would have been content to just go along with whatever happened now and not think of this.
"I... I don't know," he admitted.
"How can you not know?" Asuka asked forcefully.
Shinji smiled weakly. It was good to see that Asuka had retained some of her fierceness even in these circumstances. But it did mean he had to justify himself.
"I... I haven't ever done this before," he told her. "So I don't know what I'm supposed to..."
"I want to know what you want to do, not what you're supposed to do!" Asuka interrupted him.
Shinji remained silent. That he had to think about. What did he want? It was a question he rarely thought about in general. And now... did he want... what? A relationship? He didn't know if he was ready for that. He'd probably screw that up. The thought of being in a relationship, it just felt so heavy to him, so heavy and adult and serious.
But he was still looking Asuka in the eye. In that halo of fire surrounding the most expressive face he had ever seen. Into brilliantly shining blue eyes. And a mouth with full lips.
"I... I can't say we're in a relationship now or anything," he told her. "I just... that would be presumptuous. Like I already know I can pull this off, even though I don't. But... I would like to give it a try. I... I want to be together with you, Asuka."
Asuka grabbed his shoulders with both hands. "You don't have permission to screw this up. I'm not willing to try anything. Yes, or no?"
It just took a further look at Asuka's face for Shinji to find an answer. "...yes."
Asuka pulled him in for another kiss.
By the evening, Misato was still not back home. Instead, Ibuki had arrived again with fresh groceries, and had immediately begun cooking. She had looked mildly surprised at how close Asuka and Shinji were sitting and moving and at the touches they exchanged, but she hadn't commented. Asuka, on her part, felt like a moon that just had to stay in a constant orbit around its planet – Shinji, in this case. She would not leave his side.
Despite her earlier pressure on Shinji, she didn't know herself what they were now. Was he her boyfriend now? Was she his girlfriend now? They both had just sought closeness after Rei's death. To actually make more out of it, to use that death for it, seemed almost cynical. Rei had after all only just died the previous day! But Asuka had needed that reassurance. Had needed to know that Shinji wouldn't leave her. Had hence needed to formalize it, in a way.
They had both loved Rei. Asuka was clear about that now. And it had been so obvious as well! The blue-haired girl had been hard to read, of course, so it had always been a bit of a mystery what she was thinking and feeling. Even so, it was clear she had been at least positively disposed towards Asuka and Shinji. So in a way, it was fitting the two would come together now. They could uphold Rei's memory together.
Or at least, that was what Asuka was telling herself. Despite her earlier push for it, she still didn't know if she truly considered herself to be in a relationship, did truly consider Shinji her boyfriend and herself his girlfriend. It had all happened so fast! Though she'd never admit so, not even to Shinji, she was... confused. But that was alright. Whatever they'd call it, she was close to Shinji now. That was what mattered.
And so, the two sat together at the kitchen table as well, their chairs almost impractically close to each other. But so what if their arms would occasionally bump into each other while eating? Asuka had no objections to touch right now.
"How are you two feeling?" Ibuki asked shortly after they had begun eating.
As if on command, Asuka and Shinji looked at each other, then, remaining in synchronisation, at their plates again. Finally, it was Shinji who spoke up. "Better, but.." He shrugged.
"I understand," Ibuki reassured him. After they had continued eating for a while, she continued, "With Captain Katsuragi's permission I'll stay here the night. If there's anything you need... or want to talk about... don't hesitate to wake me up."
Again Asuka and Shinji looked at each other. Ibuki was rather different from most NERV personnel, even from Misato. It was difficult to comprehend how someone like her had had ended up in such an organization. She did her job on the bridge, whatever that entailed, but whenever she had talked to Asuka, which always only been brief and casual, she had sounded friendly and warm, as if she didn't see just another cog in the machine before her.
"Ah... thanks, Ms Ibuki," Shinji spoke up. "But... I don't think anything can really 'help' us right now. We just..." He shrugged again.
"You need time and rest," Ibuki completed the thought for him. "I understand that."
Rest, yes. Asuka was tired. Not just mentally, physically as well. It was barely evening, but she had been up very early, and after all she had gone through this day... yes. She needed rest. And sleep.
That was why she and Shinji, after standing up from the kitchen table and saying thanks to Ibuki, went straight towards Shinji's room. Asuka didn't even think to ask him about that. It was, more or less, a natural destination for the two. She even grabbed Shinji's hand on the way there. But just as Shinji had opened the door, they heard Ibuki call from behind them, "Ah... Soryu."
Asuka turned around and sighed. "Around here, you may call me Asuka." She was way too exhausted to care for stuff like that at the moment.
Ibuki nodded. "I'm sure Captain Katsuragi would have nothing against you staying here. But I think she would prefer if you used her room, not Shinji's."
Asuka groaned. "What? Do you think we'll hold an orgy inside there? After I've just learned today that... after today?"
A blush spread on Ibuki's cheek when Asuka spoke of an orgy. The redhead found that rather silly. "Well, not exactly, but... you are two teenagers and..."
"Ms Ibuki, I... ah... I think I understand..." Shinji stuttered. "But... we're exhausted. We couldn't even do... you know... even if we wanted to." His head was now much redder than Ibuki's.
"That sounds believable, Shinji," Ibuki told him. "And I trust you. But you two are Captain Katsuragi's wards, and I'm only her... stand-in. I can't..."
"I think..." Shinji spoke up. "I think Misato would also want, that I... I mean, I'll have someone watching over me this night, right?"
Asuka had no idea what he was talking about, but that seemed to convince Ibuki. "Yes. You will. Alright. I did say I trust you. So... good night, you two."
"Good night," the two replied and went inside.
The only thing the two did inside that was maybe a bit 'untoward' was change. Shinji lent Asuka a shirt and shorts, both of which fitted alright. There were certain sparks in the room as both were in their underwear, but neither of them could catch fire. Not right now. Not with how exhausted they were. Though Asuka did notice Shinji's figure. A bit scrawny, of course, but well-built and with a cute posterior. If she hadn't been so tired, well...
And if the sight hadn't made her remember when she had checked out Rei...
Without further comment, both of them crawled into the futon. Automatically, they began holding each other. Asuka smiled faintly and breathed in. The scent of another human, of someone she trusted, of someone she... loved. And now she was in his arms. Safe. Understood. Warm. A place of rest after all the chaos of the day.
She nestled her head against Shinji's chest and whispered, "What made Ibuki change her mind?" There was no response, though she could feel his body stiffen. "Shinji?"
"Asuka..." he responded uncertainly. She looked up at him. His face looked worried. "I... it's something stupid I have done."
"Tell me," Asuka said softly. "You know that... whatever it is, I've probably done something similar."
Shinji shook his head, but he nonetheless talked. "Yesterday evening, I was on the balcony. I looked at the city, and remembered Rei's death and..." He stopped, but it was clear to Asuka what he meant.
She tightened his hug around him, desperately clung to him. "No. You're not allowed to leave me now, you hear? We'll get through this together!" The thought of losing Shinji as well nearly drove her crazy, but the only thing she did was hold tight onto him, as if that could prevent him from drifting away.
"We will," Shinji reassured her. "It's just, that directly afterwards... I couldn't bear it. And... maybe now I can."
"We're all that we have left," Asuka whispered.
"Each other," Shinji added.
They kissed, then nestled themselves against each other again. Very soon afterwards, Asuka's tiredness overwhelmed her.