"This is interesting," Rei remarked.

Both Asuka and Shinji turned towards her. "What is?" the former asked.

"The smell," Rei simply answered.

Asuka had no idea what the blue-haired girl was talking about. She took a whiff. It smelled… normal. It was actually Shinji who realized what Rei was talking about. He grinned. "I've gotten used to it, but… yeah, the coolant. It's in the air."

Oh. The EVA cages were mostly filled with a purple-ish coolant liquid. And sure, that liquid had a certain, mostly inoffensive scent. Asuka, who had trained at least every week in an EVA for nearly a decade now, hadn't even realized that anymore. So Rei isn't the only one who needs to 'register' smells…

"It smells… terrible," Rei commented.

"Oh," Shinji voiced. "I'm sorry..."

Rei shook her head. "It's exciting. I haven't smelled anything terrible yet. I wish I had more chances to."

"What." Asuka stated flatly.

Behind her, Touji scoffed. "I tell you. All you EVA pilots are weird." As he was saying so, he shot dark glances over to Kaworu.

Asuka turned around. Ever since they were in the same room, Touji had looked at the Fifth Child with distaste. Asuka had no idea why, and frankly, she didn't care. She was just glad the two had been able to cooperate the previous day, when the pilots had faced down the staff.

All pilots were in their plugsuits, but Touji was wearing his bathrobe, or as he called it, his longcoat, over his. Asuka groaned, but for once didn't comment. It was just silly that Touji made such a big fuss about being seen in a plugsuit, considering that plugsuits were supposed to be a source of pride, a mark of the elite. But whatever… As far as Asuka was concerned now, everyone should be able to decide for themselves what they saw as infringing their dignity. At least, after yesterday, she was strongly holding that opinion. So she refrained from making a comment about that.

That didn't mean she would completely refrain from commenting. "We EVA pilots?"

Touji raised a finger. "Well..." He hesitated. Then he lowered his finger again. "Hmm…" Asuka snickered. However, Touji sounded surprisingly serious now. "Well, I guess… I should include myself. We did stand united yesterday, didn't we?"

That sobered Asuka up. "Yes. Yes, we did. We're all EVA pilots. Part of the same pilot corps." She was kinda surprised by that realization. But Touji had stood by her side the previous day, and so had Kaworu. Maybe she'd never like either, but it was clear the enemy was NERV command.

Well, them and the angels.

"Pity it took a mutiny to build esprit de corps."

Asuka turned around again to see Misato, now wearing her full uniform, approaching them. The Major's face was cast in stone, betraying no emotion. Misato was entirely defined by her job again. It was in fact her who had ordered them to all come to the EVA cages after putting on the plugsuits. There was an angel alarm, but nobody seemed to be in any great haste.

"Sorry for the delay," Misato apologized. "I was going through the data on the angel with Dr Akagi. So far, it is holding a stationary position above Japan in orbit. Whatever happens, it seems we have time."

" 'It'?" Asuka asked. "Just what are we dealing with here?"

"Unknown," Misato admitted. "The angel shut down most of our satellites with some kind of electromagnetic distortion signal. We only have some low quality pictures." She shrugged. "Basically, imagine a bird with enormous wings, made entirely out of light. Not that it matters much for now, because it seems so far it has absolutely no intention of coming down to the surface."

"Good for us, isn't it?" Touji asked.

"Yes, but we can't assume it will stay that way," Misato answered. "All angels so far have attacked Tokyo-3. This one will be no different. Eventually it will have to descend, and when it does we need to be ready. Therefore, you will deployed on the surface. Or nearly all of you." Among questioning sounds from the pilots she turned towards Rei. "Rei, there are still concerns over your contact with the last angel. So far, Dr Akagi has still been unable to rule out mental contamination. Therefore, having you synch with EVA-01 would be too large a security risk. If there is mental contamination, you could spread it to the unit." She turned towards Shinji and continued softly, "I'm afraid you'll have to pilot."

Shinji was looking down. "Don't worry. I knew this would come again, eventually."

Not quite daring to take his hand in this public setting, but also quite unwilling not to offer support, Asuka grabbed Shinji's arm. "Hey, we'll be in this together. Four units. That angel will have no chance."

Misato looked awkward – which was remarkable: That she would let anything shine through her 'Major' mask. "Actually," she spoke up quietly, and then breathed out. "Asuka, I have gotten orders from Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. You are to enter your entry plug, but EVA-02 will not be activated. You will be held in reserve."

"Reserve?" Asuka exploded. "Why would there be a reserve in this fight?"

"I was against this as well," Misato continued, still speaking softly. "But since we do have four units now, apparently the Vice Commander thought it justifiable to hold you in reserve."

Realization dawned on Asuka. "To bench me. For what I did yesterday." A cold fear spread inside her. The prelude to losing EVA-02 altogether. They're taking my status away from me.

Misato nodded. She seemed very subdued now. "I assume as much, yes. I'm sorry, Asuka, there's nothing I can do. That's the tactical situation we have: Shinji in EVA-01, Touji in EVA-03 and Kaworu in EVA-04. You three will deploy."

"You can't be serious!" Asuka raged. Hot rage was better than cold fear. "What makes you think I'll enter the entry plug at all then?"

"I don't foresee any trouble, but if anything does happen… we'll need the fourth Unit then," Misato told her. "Shinji might need that backup. It's him and two newbies out there."

"Gottverdammte Scheiße, that old fossil again shows his masterful tactical awareness," Asuka ranted.

"Not to mention his spite," Shinji added with a sullen voice. "To insist on having Asuka punished, even in the face of an angel attack..."

Misato sighed. "He claimed he also needs to think of future attacks. And ensure a proper military discipline for them."

"Discipline?" Asuka exploded once again. "Who does he think I am, a combat drone? I..."

Kaworu cleared his throat. "Uh… Asuka?"

The redhead whirled around on the spot. "What?"

"I just wanted to remind you about the power of Evangelions," Kaworu told her. Asuka didn't know what he meant with that and his facial expression was as mysterious as ever. "When Rei seemed lost inside an angel I told you not to worry, for there is more to Evangelions than meets the eye. And that proved to be true, didn't it?"

Asuka furrowed her brows. That all still sounded nonsensical to her, but it had turned out okay back then, and besides, she couldn't dismiss Kaworu as easily anymore. "And how will that help me now?"

Kaworu grinned. "Just trust in your Evangelion. Even if it is deactivated." He walked some steps over the metal gangway that bridged over the coolant liquid, and now stood right in front of said unit – EVA-02. He looked at intensely. Then he looked over his shoulder to Asuka. "It's a remarkable being."

Being? But before Asuka could ask, Kaworu was already walking over to his own unit.

These days, the only time the sky over Japan would go dark during the day was during the summer storms – the only kind of storms the country still had. More or less exactly as NERV had gotten word of the angel being detected, such a storm had begun over Tokyo-3. The sun was blocked out by a thick, grey wall of clouds, rain came pouring down in torrents, wind howled between the city's skyscrapers.

All in all, it was a perfect reflection of Shinji's mood.

The tensions of the past days still weighted heavily on his mind. And now, he would have to pilot yet again. Fight against an angel yet again. He had always known there was a chance this would happen, of course, but as he realized now, he had only ever thought of it as a merely theoretical possibility. Rei could pilot EVA-01, and they had all agreed it was better she did it than him. He still had been a pilot, but only a reserve pilot at best, and secretly, he had been just fine with that. But this lofty state of affairs had been destroyed now. Worse, he felt guilty about feeling bad about this. Last time Rei had piloted, an angel had swallowed her and she had nearly died. So it was better he piloted, right? Right? But he still just couldn't help but feel terrible about that.

Even worse, this would be the first time in a long while he would be in a fight without either Rei or Asuka being at his side. It wasn't that he didn't trust Touji and Kaworu. Touji was his friend and Kaworu a nice boy, maybe a potential friend. But both were in fact newbies. NERV had had less time to train them than they had had for Shinji, back after Sachiel. Shinji had been able to be trained in piloting for three weeks afterwards; the new guys now hadn't even gotten two. However, that wasn't even the crux of the problem. Even if they had been master pilots… they just weren't Rei and Asuka.

Though at least he wouldn't have to go entirely without them.

"That overgrown dove sure is taking its sweet time, neh?" he heard Asuka over the comms.

That was at least one positive thing Misato had done. She had ensured, apparently against some resistance, that EVA-02's comm system would be active at least, and that Rei would have her own comm console in the command centre. His guardian knew how close the three had become. It made him kinda wonder what conclusions she drew from that… but of course, right now, she was in 'Captain', well, that is, in 'Major Mode', and that meant she was just coldly pragmatic. It didn't matter what that relationship meant. It only mattered that being able to keep in contact would most likely help Shinji's morale and hence his synch-rate.

Even so, Shinji was very grateful for her actions.

"As far as I'm concerned, it can stay up there forever," Shinji muttered back.

"A thousand yen say it won't," Asuka quipped.

"Sucker's bet," Touji muttered.

Shinji looked outside his cockpit to see Touji's black EVA some distance away. Truth be told, amidst the storm and rain he could only notice it because he knew where to look. The three available units had been dispersed throughout the central city. While it was a safe bet the angel would attack Tokyo-3, nobody could foresee where, and from orbit, it could reach just about anywhere.

"I can understand Shinji's wish," Rei's soft voice could now be heard. She hesitated. "Eventually, the angel attacks will be over."

Shinji smiled faintly. He was glad to be able to hear her comforting words.

"I guess. But leave it to the Commander to pull stuff like this," Asuka sneered. "Put two boys who don't want to fight on the frontline, and bench the girl who would in fact like to fight." Apparently, after being benched, she had decided to not even maintain decorum any longer. Having someone openly sneer at and defy the people responsible for Shinji's current situation, that was reassuring as well, in its own, very Asuka-ish way.

"Shinji," Misato spoke up now. "Is the positron rifle working?"

Shinji sighed. That was another thing. Not only was he fielded in a fight again, not only would he have to go without Asuka and Rei, no, the main burden of the fight would also rest on him. As the most experienced of the fielded pilots, he had been given NERV's newest toy: A miniaturized form of the positron cannon used against Ramiel, a 'positron rifle'. He could only hope it was not quite as worthless as the pallet rifle.

The positron rifle came with a helmet with a targeting visor. It worked just like the positron cannon's aiming system had worked: Fire when the two symbols on the visor met in the middle. That meant the target was in range. So far, the two symbols were quite far from each other.

"I guess," Shinji said. "I don't think you want me to demolish some buildings just to test it." That had been maybe a bit snappish, but…

"I'm sure some people here would like such test data," Misato muttered. "But no, thanks. Just keep an eye out for the angel."

Shinji pulled the irritating helmet back and just looked outside. The black shape of EVA-03 to one side, the greyish-white shape of EVA-04 to the other. Not that they were really visible right now, but Shinji of course knew both looked very much alike in form. He sighed. It really wasn't the same as having EVA-00 and EVA-02 on the battlefield. The two new EVAs had ugly snouts and looked like they were grinning evilly.

"Angel's orbital height is lowering!" That was Lieutenant Ibuki.

"Here it comes," Misato announced. "Try to shoot it down as it approaches, Shinji!"

Shinji sighed yet again and pulled the helmet over his head. His heart beat in his chest. In a few minutes he would be in battle again. Would feel pain again, most likely. It would all happen once again. Sachiel nearly breaking his skull, Shamshel whipping him and literally piercing through his body, Ramiel boiling him alive until he passed out, hearing Rei nearly die to defeat Bardiel… and now, something would happen again. Fear gripped his heart.

"Come on, you bastard," he snarled quietly. He wished this would all be over now. So now he wished the angel would finally show its face, so that he could get the inevitable pain over with.

Shinji gasped in shock.

Something was touching him. Not his body, not his skin or limbs or organs – him. His mind. His soul. And suddenly, there was light all around him.

Something wanted to enter his mind. Wanted to see his darkest secrets. Shinji knew it was malevolent and destructive like this; he could feel it. And yet, he was powerless against it. It wanted to have its way with him, and it would. There was no denying it. It was forcing itself on him, and he couldn't resist.

"Nooo!" he screamed. The positron rifle clattered on the ground in front of EVA-01, breaking.

And just like that, the battlefield had turned into chaos.

A beam, or maybe more a ray, was now falling down from the sky, hitting EVA-01, engulfing the unit. Shinji's tortured screams could be heard over all comm channels.

"Not again," Kaworu heard Suzuhara mutter. EVA-03's pilot sounded determined. "Not on my watch." Both their EVA units ran towards their comrade. EVA-01 was twisting and bending, its head held between its hands.

"Retreat, Shinji!" Misato ordered. "The nearest elevator is 200m away!"

But it didn't seem Shinji was even capable of understanding her. His screams began to sound hoarse.

Touji reached the cone of light first, just some seconds before Kaworu could. He tried to ram into it, possibly in order to push EVA-01 out of the way… but it didn't work. As soon as EVA-03 hit the edge of the cone, Touji began to scream in pain and his Evangelion just… collapsed. It seemed Touji had lost all control over it. Kaworu had EVA-04 run around the light and dragged EVA-03 away from it… all the while looking worriedly at EVA-01, which by now had sunk to its knees and was still holding its head.

"Activate me!" he heard Asuka scream over the comms. "Gottverdammt, activate me now! Shinji needs my help!"

EVA-04 now stood over EVA-03, which was slowly getting up to its feet again, and looked at the ray of light. Kaworu breathed out… and charged forwards. His brother was pouring a part of its soul down here, and Kaworu had no idea what powers it held. Even so, he couldn't leave Shinji in agony.

But as soon as he entered the light, he felt his body searing all over… felt his EVA searing all over, even though he wasn't even synched to it. He grunted and moaned and finally a pained scream escaped his lips. So much pain… if he had been properly synched, surely that connection would have broken down by now. Even so, he found it supremely difficult to maintain his control over his EVA's flesh. He managed to step back from the light just so… and his EVA fell down on its knees outside.

Pain… pain... pain…

That was new. He panted. He had had no idea the world could hurt so much. He had gone through life watching people, but always cold, always aloof, always from a distance. Their pain was just a detail to be observed. Something to help with, of course. Kaworu had always tried to help people. Even now, when it seemed like the world might soon end, when it seemed he might soon end the world, he tried to help. Tried to make people smile. Tried to make some certain people smile. But he had never really been invested into this. It had always just been… maybe not a game to play, but still just an exercise. He had had no idea. No idea what hurt and pain were and now he did.

Is that what Mana feels? What Kensuke feels? That thought shocked him. Even as he was still hurting himself, he began to also feel worried.

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!" Asuka's voice, still raging through the comms. "SHINJI NEEDS ME! GET ME UP THERE!"

And now, there was something inside Kaworu which understood. It was an eye-opening shock to experience such pain himself, an excruciating torture because he had never felt anything like this before. But if he imagined that certain other people would have to go through it…

Asuka didn't need to imagine. She was experiencing it. She loves Shinji, he realized. And yet she is powerless.

He had already given a gift to Asuka. He had unlocked the potential inside her Evangelion. But maybe, maybe that wasn't enough. Shinji was still suffering. And even if they ended his suffering… the only way would be to kill the angel. To kill yet another one of Kaworu's brothers.

Kaworu closed his eyes. He still felt mental burns all over his soul. It ached when he moved it. And yet he had to, had to extend his mind… extend his soul. He hoped his Pattern Blue would remain subsumed within that of his brother and hence not be detected.

Stop this, Brother.

-Another one of us? Shock/excitement/disbelief.

Kaworu didn't address this. He was still aching too much. He had to focus. You're hurting the lilim. You have hurt me.

-Lilim and golem different. Curiosity. Threat. Need for analysis. Your hurt not intended. Apology/embarrassment/humility.

So I know now how the lilim feels. Your analysis is throwing him into an agony worse than our loneliness, brother. You need to stop.

-Threat. Threat to me. Threat to union with mother. Anxiety/fear/resolve to overcome/defiance. Analysis needed for victory. Victory essential for union. Longing/determination/hope.

There are three other units down here. If you try to unite with Mother now, you will be killed. Just end this.

-No. Resolve/finality/passion.

You're only causing suffering here and your own death later on!

-If I don't unite with Mother, you will. I won't leave the Holy Union to you. Accusation/spite/hostility.

If you don't retreat,

I may have to kill you. And I will protect the lilim you're hurting!

-Do as you wish. Only one of us will be able to unite with Mother anyway.

This defiance, this hostility, this blocking of each other ended the communication. There was no convincing the Angel of the Sky. If Kaworu wanted to defend Shinji, then he would have to act. Then he would have to fight his brother. But how?

He could easily protect EVA-01, actually. He held his Mother's soul inside him, after all. There was only one other soul on this Earth with the same kind of power, and Kaworu didn't know where that one was… though he had his suspicions. His soul, Mother's soul, had a light of an incredible strength, a barrier none were allowed to pass, a fortress that could only be taken by one other force on this planet. Certainly not by the Angel of the Sky.

If he extended his field around EVA-01, Shinji would be safe. Nothing would be able to hurt him beneath that protective wing. But at the same time, everyone would know just who and what Kaworu was. Last time he had encountered that dilemma he had been sure in the aftermath that he should have acted. But now...

EVA-01 was cowering on its knees. There was only tearful crying coming through the comms from it now. It sounded like Shinji had collapsed into tears, unable to perceive his outside world. Kaworu heard Rei's soft whispers through the comms, trying to comfort him. Trying to tell him this all would soon end, that he had friends to help him, that he didn't need to fear. Unfortunately, Shinji didn't seem to hear.

"Goddamnit!" That was Touji. EVA-03 was on its own feet again. It threw its head back and roared… "I'll save you this time! I'll pay you back, Shinji!" EVA-03 charged towards the cone again… only to collapse yet again at its edge, amidst Touji's tortured screams. His actions were brave, but in vain. There was only one being who could do something: Kaworu himself.

"Ihr verfickten Wichser, lasst mich endlich auf die Oberfläche!" Asuka, of course. "Shinji! Shinji braucht mich! Ich muss ihm helfen! Ihr verdammten Arschlöcher! Ich werd euch alle zerquetschen! Ich werd euch dem nächsten Engel zum Fraß vorwerfen. Ich werde…" [1]

The ranting voice was cut off. Asuka's comm system had probably been switched off. And Shinji continued to cry. Kaworu had to act… had sworn himself to act rather than to let another person suffer again... but found that he just couldn't. His existence would be over then. NERV would then have the perfect excuse to get rid of whom they had to suspect was a SEELE spy. And what about the other pilots, what about Mana and Kensuke? He was their enemy. An angel. If he revealed that…

Kaworu heard Shinji crying and despaired.

Something was inside Shinji. He had never thought it possible, but there was something foreign, something alien inside his soul. Inside his very being. It felt invasive and dirty and humiliating. This was him, his sacred space, the space that should be just for him alone, and now he had even this taken away from him. Something entered without his agreement, without his consent. It was an abject lesson in being completely powerless. It was degrading.

Now he understood the value of people being apart. It was something that would never have occurred to him before, because people being apart, that was just how things were, nothing to think about. But this angel, it was becoming part of him, invading him. Shinji wasn't standing apart anymore, with a well-defined sense of identity vis-a-vis others, vis-a-vis the angel. And now he realized how that sense of identity provided… well, Asuka would have called it dignity.

Separation meant dignity. And Shinji's dignity was being torn to shreds right now.

At will, the foreign entity moved through his mind, through his memories. Shinji desperately begged it to stop, but to no avail. The entity didn't even regard him. It simply exercized its full power. And so Shinji could do nothing as memories from his childhood kept being dragged up.

A young boy of four, crying at the train station. His father leaving him, abandoning him. He is alone at the train station. Nobody cares for the crying boy. All he knows is that he has been abandoned. His mother left him, and now even his father doesn't care about him anymore. That can't be a coincidence. It has to be his fault. He is unlovable.

The same boy, a year older, playing at the playground. Forming a castle out of sand. Other boys come and go. Some want to play with him. But he just continues to form his castle. It gets dark, and he is still forming his castle. Alone. The castle is all he has.

"Don't… no… don't..." Shinji knew about how lonely his life had been, of course. But it had always been best not to think about it. That is how he had gone through life for the past ten years, always living day by day, never thinking ahead, never reflecting. It was something that provided him a peace of mind. But now, whether he wanted or not, that peace of mind would be destroyed.

A classroom. Elementary school. School begins for the boy. Some others take an interest in him, but he just sits in his desk and looks outside. He still hasn't gotten used to the new town. He feels like he doesn't belong here.

Coming home. If 'home' means anything. His tutor is never mean, never shouts at him… never looks at him, rarely speaks with him. He takes some interest in his grades, but he only seems to care that he functions, never about his well being. Even the clothes he sometimes leaves in the boy's room never seem to quite fit. And the few times the boy came home bloodied, it didn't seem to concern the tutor at all.

There are some neighbourhood kids. Now and then they try to visit the boy. But they're coming ever less often. The boy likes when they come, but he doesn't know what to say, what to do, and he never visits them in turn. He isn't good around people. How could he, after everyone has just abandoned him or is ignoring him? Over time, the neighbourhood kids lose interest.

Shinji was crying now. All these memories... Why why why… He didn't want to see them. He didn't want to have it reconfirmed over and over again what a failure he was. He knew that well enough already. But he had no power, no power at all. Not even his mind was his own anymore. The entity held no regard for him, simply ravaged everything inside him. One more being who just saw him as a tool and nothing more. A tool to collect information. He was being used once again, and he had no power to stop it. He felt dirty.

There were some people in the boy's class with which he had good relations. But even that amounted to little more than nodding at each other in greeting before class, mutual questions about homework, practicalities. And over time, the boy got afraid of anything more than that. He didn't respond to anyone coming closer to him. The prospect was just too frightening.

Life simply goes on for the boy. One day like the other. And he begins to… maybe nol like it that way, but he still begins to prefer it. It means security. At least, nobody will abandon him. He can fend for himself. He cooks his own meals, buys his own clothes. That's alright. At least then nobody can hurt him. And his grades are good enough, so even his tutor won't show any disapproval. He goes through life without feeling disapproval or unfriendliness from anyone. If that also means feeling no friendship or friendliness, then that was quite alright.

A kaleidoscope of pictures, all showing loneliness. And they were all the same. There had always been other people reaching out to him. Maybe not many. But there never was a community of people totally bereft of members who would look to the lonely boy and walk up to him. But that boy, he never had used his chances. He had always remained alone.

...and it had been his own fault.

"A failure," Shinji cried now. "Failure, failure, failure. I'm a failure."

Deep down he had always known that of course. He never had been good for anything besides piloting Evangelion, and that was something he hated. The one thing he was good at, and he was shying away from it because he was a coward. But now he had proof of it, laid out to him in great detail. All his trouble in life, all the loneliness – his own fault. He had so wished for… for a family, for someone who would praise him when he had arrived at Tokyo-3. That was why he had stayed. That was why he had piloted, despite all the pain. That was why he hadn't left Tokyo-3, because Misato had at least shown some concern for him.

...he had longed for something deep down, and it had always been his own damn fault that he had lacked it. He was an abject, utter failure. He had nobody to blame but himself. Not his father for abandoning him. Not his tutor for never caring. Not Misato for sending him out to fight. Only himself. And why would anyone care for such a failure as himself?

Other memories. Watching his classmates talk to each other cheerfully. Boys boasting among each other, girls giggling among each other. Watching the families of his classmates. Seeing love, connection, closeness. Everybody seemed to have that, except him. He had long since given up hope on that. He simply went through life hoping things wouldn't get even worse.

...but how else to determine the value of a person than by the people who like them? And nobody had ever liked Shinji. He had always been alone. So what worth did he have? He had none. After coming to Tokyo-3, there were Rei and Asuka now, but Shinji was sure that was transient as well. Just like the neighbourhood kids who had eventually stopped visiting him. It wouldn't last. They would end up not caring about him as well. After all, why would anyone chain themselves to such a failure as himself?

Shinji simply sat in his entry-plug and cried. The entity was still inside him, still held no regard for him. But that was appropriate. Why should anyone? Whatever it did to him, it probably was well-deserved. He was dirt. Lower than dirt. A pathetic, lonely boy, so desperate for attention and praise that he would let himself get whipped and stabbed by angels and still come back, because he had failed to make any friends on his own. So why not this… this… intrusion as well?

In the end, his entire state, all the loneliness and all the pain, were all his fault.

[1]"You fucking wankers, let me up on the surface already! Shinji! Shinji needs me! I must help him! You damn assholes! I will crush you all! I will throw you to the next angel! I will..."