For the next few days after, it was like a fog. Pen couldn't even get up from the bed without help. And that was okay. That was fine because Colin put everything aside to simply be there for her. Doctor came a few times to check on her. But she was a mess truly. Getting up each time felt like a full-on marathon. Thankfully, Colin was there to help. He was there when Andrew woke up in the middle of the night crying. He was there when she was hungry. He was there each time she needed him. Each time he would do anything for her she started crying hard. It was too sweet of him to drop everything for her.

The next days she found some more strength to do some simple things on her own. Looking at the face of their son always made them smile. The happiest smile of all. They felt happy. In a joyous bubble of being free and content. Truly happy.

Her mother came visited almost every day. And Penelope was really grateful for that also. It felt as their connection got even more deep and understanding came out of nowhere. She truly smiled each time Portia came visiting their estate.

Any free second of those days Pen spent reading his journal. As more and more questions came rushing to her mind. Was that how he truly felt all that time? All that time she thought she meant nothing for him. Was that how he felt when he told his friends that he would never dream of countering her?

All of those questions were on her mind each time they went to bed. But they both fell asleep way faster than she could even ask them.

Months after she was more stable, as Doctor came in every new month now. Colin was back to writing and visiting publisher every now and then, as she was busy with Andrew and reading, lots of reading. Each time she looked up from her new book, she was met once again with the same questions. Same questions each day and night. How could she be that blind? She should have told him before. Reveal the secret. She didn't mean for him to doubt himself that much. She knew. She knew they were good now. But she could not hope for the lighter past for him.

Each time the doctor made a visit, she tried to choose the time Colin would be away on some business. It felt easier somehow. This one should be the last one. At least she hoped it would. And she chose the perfect day, when Colin was in the city all day. So, all should be okay, right?

The Doctor came in and examined her once again. Now it felt just like a part of her new routine. Now it wasn't weird or embarrassing for her. But somehow, she still felt calmer when she was alone, without Colin around.

"Everything looks good now, Ms. Bridgerton. You're free to do any intimate activities with your husband as of now." Doctor said. But his last sentence struck her to the bone…

"What?" She asked shocked. Seeing her shock, he continued.

"Actually, I would encourage you would. You were saying about being sort of uncomfortable down there, so it should bring it all back to normal faster." He tried to explain. But she was really petrified…

"Are you saying…?" She decided to ask again, just to be sure they were talking about the same thing. As of now she got up from the bed and was standing, facing the Doctor.

"Yes. It will help you feel healthier and surely, you're must be hoping for another child soon." He said happily.

"Actually, I've been meaning to ask you…" She couldn't really find the words. How could one even ask something like that?

"Yes?" He encouraged her to continue.

"What exactly could prevent us from having another child meanwhile?" She asked fast.

"Are you not…?" The Doctor was confused of her question. Didn't she dream of having another child?

"So, what should we do to prevent it?" She asked again, just to get it over with.

"Well, surely if you don't want to be with another child anytime soon, you should not be intimate with your husband…. But…" He started, wincing at each word.

"But?" Now she could not wait for him to continue explaining what else he got to say.

"I would encourage you would. It might help you be back to normal faster than anything else. It might be hurtful as the first time… Sometime it even lasts longer than one time… But if you don't want to be with child…" 'It would be hurtful' got stuck in her head. But still she had to ask.

"Then what?" And so, she did ask.

"Pulling out might help… If he… You know?" She was completely confused now… Know what?

"If he what?" She asked anticipating his answer.

"Won't bring his seeds inside, Ms. Bridgerton. If he won't finish inside of you. But there are still chances of…" Now Doctor was slightly uncomfortable saying all of that to her.

"Okay, thank you." She said quickly, and turned around moving to the door, seeing him out.

"Ms. Bridgerton, I …" He started but she cut him off. She got all of the information she needed. No need to continue this uncomfortable conversation.

"Thank you for coming. We're done for today." She said quickly, opening the door for him and he got a clue.

"Have a nice day!" He said as he left.

It's been days she was reminiscing on each and every word of that conversation. She could not make a decision, all she knew she was scared. She was scared to be with a child yet again. She was scared to have another intimate experience with Colin and feel that pain. All she could remember was the pain of giving birth. And it mixed in her head with her first time. All she could do was say she was tired each night Colin even tried to hug her before sleep.

"I'm tired, Colin, good night." She said as they both were in bed. And mostly she wasn't lying. Taking care of a child was an adventure she couldn't imagine before having it. Andrew took all of her time almost. And breastfeeding was taking lots of energy from her. She could barely find time to read nowadays.

"Pen, what's truly going on?" Colin asked suddenly, as he tried to put his hand on her waist once again, but she grabbed it fast.

"Nothing. Nothing. It was a long day, that's all. I just want to sleep." She said quickly, turning away from him. But she felt his hand on her shoulder now.

"Lately you don't even let me touch you."

"I'm just tired and I really want some privacy. Andrew is on me almost all day. I'm tired." She explained, pushing his hand off of her shoulder.

"Okay." He said and she heard him move away slightly. "Good night." He said sadly somehow. She could feel sadness in his voice. And she felt bad.

As she woke up, he was gone already. Probably some new meeting with publisher. – she thought. As she got up, she went straight to the large mirror in their room. She couldn't stand looking at herself even for a second and still each morning she would run to that mirror. Just if the miracle would happen overnight.

As she got ready for a day, she checked on Andrew and went to their main dining room for breakfast. And there he was. Patiently waiting for her to join him for breakfast. He was home. She was so used by now that every day he would leave early that she was slightly startled to see him home at that hour.

"Good, you're awake. Should we have breakfast?" He said still looking at the paper he was holding.

"I'm surprised to see you home at that hour." She went still for a second standing in the middle of the room.

"Yeah, now I will be home more often. We're almost done with my book." He said as he looked up at her. "That's it, if you don't have any advices to share." He put down his paper, as she tried to sit on the opposite side of the table from him. "No, no. Sit near me, please." He asked quickly.

"Okay." And she did as he asked her to. She sat near him. But just as she reached out to open her plate, she felt his gaze on her.

"You've read it and you have nothing to say?" He asked, looking right at her.

"It's a great book, Colin." She said simply, looking at him.

"That's so not you, to not share any opinion or ask any questions about a book." He wondered aloud.

"I love it. It's a great book, as I said. Of course, I was surprised to read some parts of it, but it's a good kind of surprise." She said and she smiled warmly at him.

"And you won't suggest anything?" He asked sort of waiting, hoping for her to say at least something else than that's great. "Not even single advice, from such a famous author?" He asked slightly laughing, trying to say it as a joke.

"It's written really good, truly." She said, reassuring him. She finally reached for her tray and opened her plate, as she started eating.

"Then what were surprised about?" He asked, as she suddenly put his hand on her thing. She felt it and went still. Fork not making full way to her mouth. She quickly put her hand on his to stop him.

"I simply had no idea you felt like that." She tried to push his hand off of her leg, but he resisted it. "Can you not…?" She said, looking at his hand on her leg.

"Well, I do have some questions for you, Ms. Bridgerton." He said lightheartedly, putting his other hand on top of hers. "What's wrong, Pen?" Now he sounded serious.

"Nothing, I just want to have breakfast." She answered, playing dumb.

"Pen…" He started…

"Colin…" She cut him off.

"You know what I'm talking about." He looked at her still, as she was looking at her plate. "What's going on? You won't let me touch you at all lately."

"I thought I explained it perfectly clear." She said as she finally managed to push his hand off, or maybe he finally let go. "I'm just tired and want some space, when Andrew is not on me."

"Okay. Have your space then." He said somewhat harshly, as he got up from the table.

"Colin…" She tried to stop him, but he was already half way out of the room.

"It's fine. Enjoy your space." He said his back to her, as he left.

She wished she could tell him. But there were so many reasons, even in her head it sounded like an excuse, but what if it really was true. All of those reasons mixed in her head all at once, as she was left there sitting completely alone. She wanted to tell him. But she truly thought he wouldn't believe, or even laugh at it. She didn't know what was worse. But she did know that she hasn't seen him for the rest of the day.

She wanted to talk to him about his book also. But she felt like this conversation only will lead them to bed, and she truly feared it by now. She had so much to say, and still she couldn't as that fear overtook all of her.

She spent the rest of the day with her mama and Andrew. And by the end of this day, she was sure only of one thing – she desperately needed to talk to somebody. Eloise left month ago. She would be back soon, and Pen couldn't help but count days to that. But she needed someone to talk to now. Right this night.

So, she asked Portia to mind Andrew for a few hours as she headed into the city. She wandered where Colin was all day, but she her own thoughts about her own insecurities couldn't help but overtaken her. As she left her carriage, she went straight into familiar shop. To the Genevieve Delacroix.

As she knocked on her door, she wondered how she could even explain why she was there at this time. But everything started making sense as soon as door opened.

Conversation with Genevieve made her understand that she needed to talk to Colin. To say the exact or many of the things that were bothering her. She needed to open up. She wasn't sure she could do it. She wasn't sure she was ready for it. But now she knew she needed to. As she left Genevieve's place, she wondered down the familiar road. And suddenly something caught her attention. Was it…?

"Colin?" She asked quietly, as she saw his familiar frame wondering down the same road. She was standing in the exact same place where they met accidently the day before their wedding. And he was the exact state of drunk. And alone.

He just stopped there frozen. Seeing her that night in town was the last of what he had expected. But there she was. Standing. Confused. Looking at him. And instantly he knew the question in her head. He knew it wasn't right how he left her in the morning. But somehow, he was just as surprised to see her in the city that late at night.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, looking at her. Only inches between them.

"I was just visiting a friend." She said but for him it didn't sound very convincing. After all she avoided his touch for months now, and maybe there was the reason… Maybe the reason for it lived in the city after all. – he thought. Maybe he should've asked her back then what exactly she was doing in the Town.

"A friend… Right…" He said as he chuckled and looked down to the ground.

"Where were you?" She asked not at all nice, as he looked back up at her sending her a look 'Are you for real?'.

"Visiting a friend." He said with very much irony in his voice. But that answer shocked her. She gasped, as her mouth fell open.

"A friend…" She repeated, as he saw the fear in her gaze. "Were you…?" She tried but the words won't form. "Did you…?" With each start of the question, she became even more scared to ask it. She was petrified of the possible answer she could hear. She didn't want to hear it, if it was…

He was searching her face for the meaning of her never fully spoken question.

"Did I what?" He asked, trying to understand. But she just looked down, as he noticed one single tear running down her cheek.

"A woman?" She asked quietly.

"What?" He wasn't even sure he heard her correctly.

"Were you…?" She started yet again, taking a deep breath. "…seeing a woman?" And with saying it, she met his confused gaze, that quickly after hearing her question, turned to scared itself.

"Pen! No!" He replied fast but still started. Did she really think he…? She watched her exhale loudly, as some more tears joined the first one on her cheeks. Maybe out of relief, possibly out of pressure the question put her in. Or maybe something completely else, they both won't ever understand.

"No, no, Pen." He repeated quickly, pulling her in his arms. "Never." He whispered in her ear and she sobbed in his chest. "I was with Benedict." He reassured her and it seemed to have worked, as he felt her breath become more stable now.

He was simply glad she would wiggle out his embrace, as he enjoyed each new second of feeling her close to him again. Even like that. But just as soon as those thoughts entered his mind, she did wiggle out of his arms. He watched her standing there. In front of him. Trying to put herself back together, as he asked.

"So, who is that? A friend of yours that I obviously know nothing about." He asked her, as she quickly looked up at him surprised with a slight fear in her gaze. "I wasn't aware you have friends in town."

"Well, I do." She answered shortly, trying to hide her eyes from him.

"So, who is that?" He asked desperate for an answer.

"Just a friend." She tried to let it go, but it clearly didn't work as she planned.

"Just a friend? Are you seriously not going to say a name? Or are you waiting for me to ask if that's indeed another man?" He asked with his voice raised.

"Colin…" She started just as he entrapped her. He would not take any answer expect of the name.

"No, if you get to ask me that, I have all the right in this world to ask my wife what friend she was visiting alone that late at night." She could hear the impatience and nervousness in his voice so she decided to just let it out.

"It's Genevieve." She said looking straight at him.

"A modiste?" He asked sort of shocked.

"Yes." She confirmed.

"That late at night? What for?" He was shocked still. Why out of all of people her? – he thought.

"Well, we are friends." She said as she looked down.

"Friends?" He still needed more information to understand the whole story behind that decision of hers.

"Yes." She said, as she looked up at him. "She knew my secret before even Eloise find out." She finally said the only truth he needed to hear and he was taken aback by it.

"Oh." He seemed even more shocked now. "Okay, then." He looked down, trying to gather it all in. "Nothing else you want to tell me?" He suddenly asked, looking at her. But she just waved her head 'no'.

"Okay, let's go home." He said as he grabbed her hand and led her to his carriage.

As they got inside, he told the driver to bring them home. They were sitting on the same side, quite close to each other. As he put his hand on her thigh, he felt her hand instantly stop him from doing so.

"You have to tell me what's truly going on, Pen." He said as he looked at her. Her gaze was fixated on their hands on her leg.

"I don't know where to start…" She said quietly.

"Maybe wise would be to start from the begging." He waited for any kind of explanation. What on earth could be happening that she didn't want him to even touch her? – he thought.

"There's just so many little reasons… I fear you might take it as another excuse…" He heard fear in her voice, as she said those words aloud.

"Just tell me." He said as he raised her chin to meet her gaze.

"Well…" She started as her other hand reached out and put his hand away from her face. She looked back down and said. "Firstly, I don't want to have another kid, and… I guess that would happen if I let you…" She couldn't even finish those words, but he got exactly what she meant.

"Pen, we don't have to have another child." He reassured her, squeezing both of her hand in his. "I also talked to your Doctor, don't worry about it. We'll be safe, I promise." He said, as she took a deep breath.

"But it's not all…" She said quietly but he heard her just fine.

"What else?" He asked warmly.

"He said it would hurt." She said quickly as she looked up at him with fear.

"We also talked about it. And Doctor said it actually would help you in a long run." He said nicely, trying to make her more comfortable.

"Yes, but…" She started but words wouldn't form in her mind even. She still was holding both of his hands in hers, resting on her legs.

"But?" He could not wait.

"I'm scared…" She finally said, as she looked down on their hands intertwined.

"It won't hurt as much as giving birth. It will be alright." He tried to reassure her, but he saw it wasn't quite working. Maybe there was another reason after all… "Or don't you just…" He started, but just as he was scared to say those words aloud, he was scared to hear an answer. "You can say if you don't want to…" As soon as that thought was said aloud, she stepped in, saying.

"No, no… I just…" She squeezed his hands, trying to explain. But why was it that hard?

"What?" He asked unable to wait.

"I know it will sound silly…" She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, as she felt him pet her hands reassuring her to go on. "I don't…" She couldn't, could she? She felt like he won't ever understand it. But she decided to just let it out. "I don't feel pretty." She finally said, looking at their hands.

"What?" He was in awe. In complete awe. That was the last thing he expected to hear.

"I gained even more weight than before Andrew. And I…" She was so nervous having that conversating, she started talking way to fast.

"Pen…" He interrupted her, trying to stop her insane way of thoughts.

"No! No. I knew you won't understand." She said, taking a deep breath.

"Just tell me. I am here. I am listening." He tried to encourage her to go on.

"I feel fat, okay? And I don't want you to see me like that… I don't want you to touch me when I'm like that…" She almost cried out, tears in her eyes, but she did look him in his eyes.

"Pen, you look beautiful. What are you talking about?" He started tear up himself. How could he miss it?

"I knew you won't understand it…" She sounded giving up, looking down and letting go of his hands.

"No, no, I do. But I just…" He said quickly, as he put both of his hands on her face, making her look at him. "I want you to see yourself with my eyes." He said slowly. "I love you, I want you. Just as you are." He face too close to hers now. "I wouldn't change a thing about you." He said, as he left a small kiss on her lips. "I love you." He said again, as he kissed her yet again.

"Colin…" She murmured in his lips, her hands reaching for his on her face.

"Please just let me…" He almost begged. "Let me show you just how much I want you… Just as you are." He said as one of his hands reached lower down her body.

"I love you." She said silently into his kiss.

"I love you too." He answered, as his hand reached her leg once again.

He moved under her dress way to quickly for her to even understand what's going on. Caressing her thigh, his hand moved up confidently fast. She tried to stop it, but as he moaned into her mouth, letting her know just how much he wanted her, she got lost in a moment for way too long. He didn't have anything specific on his mind. The only thing he wanted to show her, just how much he still adored her. Loved her. Just the way she is. And truly for him, he could not feel any changes in her body. She was the same old Pen. He was the same old Colin. But everything has changed. And still somehow it felt the same. The feelings, lust and want definitely grew though the last month from both of their sides. But one thing stayed the same. She felt like home to him. He felt like freedom she finally found.

She could feel his hand gliding on her thighs. She could feel his other hand in her hair, pulling slightly. And then she felt his hand suddenly arise from under her dress, only to grab her hand from his shoulder. He slowly moved her hand down his own body, as she found herself wondering what on earth was the intention. But once he finished his manufacture, she understood the one and only, exact point. Felling just how hard he was for her, was all of the confirmation she needed. There were still some questions on her mind, there were still some fears. But as her eyes flew open and she was about to ask something, they heard the knock on the carriage door. Home. They were home.

"Let's get you to bed, Ms. Bridgerton." Colin said with lust, as he exited the carriage first and helped her out.

The walk home was silent. But loudly clear at the same time. They both knew what would happen as soon as they would enter their bedroom. And somehow, they both felt slightly afraid. Fear of possibilities and questions. Words that they could read without saying them aloud. But words that were needed to be said. It all mixed in a sinful bliss.

As they entered their home, they were met by her mama and sleeping Andrew. She would be lying saying she remembered that part of her new life. But truth was with him she forgot everything. She could've forgot her own name after a few more minutes being that close to him.

"Oh, great! You're home. Andrew is already fast asleep." Lady Featherington announced whispering.

"Thank you." Was the only thing that Pen said, as she gave her mother a big hug.

The thing Penelope would never know is how Portia actually looked very much relived seeing them entering their estate hand in hand. How just one glance at them made Portia see that what ever was going on between them is settled now. How a small smile of pure happiness glistered on Portia's face.

"Always." Portia said, as she nodded at Colin slightly and quickly left them alone.

"I should probably take Andrew upstairs." Pen said moving to the crib.

"No, no, let me." Colin was faster. He quickly ran up to the crib and carefully picked up their son. "I heard you, how tired you are he's always on you. I am here and it's no trouble to help." He said as he held their son and looked at the surprised eyes. "We're in this together. Let's go." He held their child with one hand, as with the other he guided her upstairs. His hand on her back, moving quietly. Step in step.

As they reached the top of the stairs, he stopped suddenly in her way.

"Let me put him down quickly, don't move." He said, as he entered Andrew's room.

It took him just a few minutes when he reentered the hallway where she was patiently waiting for him.

"Glad, you waited for me." He said as he grabbed her by her hand and started walking to their bedroom. Just a few steps after, he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I didn't want you to get out of this dress without my help." That only made her eyes grow huge. Now as everything started sinking in fully, she felt insecure, fearful. With all those what if's circling in her head.

As they entered their room, he turned her to face him with one swift motion. His hand reaching for her cheek. It felt just like their first kiss. Tender. Loving. Scary. For both of them. One hand on her waist, the other moving to her clavicle, as she just stood there frozen.

"I love you, Pen." He said, and with one long look into her bright blue eyes, his lips touched hers. They touched slightly, exactly as their first kiss. Right after that, their eyes met once again. He was looking for any signs of resistance and seeing none, he kissed her again. The kiss didn't turn passionate, instead he kept it warm and cozy. Light and loving. Her hands flew to his shoulders and when he felt it, he reached out for the back of her dress. Not wanting to break the kiss, he undid a few buttons without even looking, as the dress fell to the floor making a sound big enough for them to hear.

Her hands were trembling undoing buttons on his own shirt, but as he felt it, he stopped her hands. Looking deeply in her eyes, he quickly took off his jacket and his shirt, leading her closer to the bed at the same time. Deciding it would be only fair, he took of his pants before her corset. She watched his every move. The belt, a button after button. As the pants fell to the floor her gaze didn't move thought, she just started at his fully naked body in front of her. Awoken by the felling of his fingers on her back, she finally looked him in the eyes, just to see a smile on his face. He wouldn't lie he was delighted by such precisive gaze of hers. She felt the strings get lose on her back, as her corset fell to the floor and she look of fear went back to her face.

"You look beautiful." He said, as she guided her to lie down on the bed. She didn't even try to cover herself, she knew it was no use. But he could feel her insecurity, her fear still. Even after she heard his words.

"You really are beautiful, Pen." He said as he looked at her naked body under his. "I don't see what you were talking about at all." One of his hands ran down her body. "You're perfect." He said as he looked up and kissed her. And there she started to believe him.

As she felt his hand move in between her legs, she went tense.

"It will be alright, I promise." He said but once again he saw slight fear in her gaze. "Okay, what about this…" He decided to change the tactics, kissing her neck and bringing his hand back to her waist and up to her breast.

She had no idea what he meant at first. But soon enough she felt his kiss travel down her body, admiring each and every part of her. The first moan escaped her lips, just as he reached a very sensitive part of her body just between her legs. She could swear she felt his smile at that exact moment. Neither said anything, as he sucked and kissed and licked. He hands massaging her breast and keeping her legs in place, as her back arched and moans became louder with each second.

And finally with one loud 'Colin…' she came hard. He quickly moved back too her lips and kissed her once again.

"Was that alright?" He asked as she was still coming down from her high.

"Mmm…" She murmured, as she pulled his hair slightly. Now as she felt his hand reach in between their bodies, she did not make a sound. She didn't try to stop him, neither was she after. Okay, maybe slightly, but she definitely wasn't in a place to give it a thought. Her mouth flew open in a silent 'Oh' as his finger entered her slowly. Not long after the second finger joined and it felt marvelous. Kisses on her neck and his fingers moving inside her was almost enough to bring her to the edge again. But just as she got more than comfortable with this feeling, he stopped.

"Are you ready?" She heard him ask. Eyes collided, as she became just a bit tense once again. "Just relax. It will be okay."

"What about..?" She whispered back too afraid to finish her thought.

"I'll pull out. Don't worry. No new child until you're ready." He reassured her. He felt her body relax once again, as he positioned himself right at her core.

He entered her slowly, watching her reaction for any sign of pain. At some point he had to stop to let her get used to this feeling once again. And when he saw a nod, he entered her fully.

"Are you okay?" He asked worried.

"Just a moment." She said as her eyes were still closed, showing slight discomfort. He kissed her lightly, waiting for her to give him permission to go on. And as her eyes flew open and a she gave him a small nod, he started moving. First slowly and as her moans of pleasure reentered the room, he let himself fully go. Watching her closely every now and then he saw only pleasure now. Soon enough he was too close. To weak to continue. So, with a few touched on her core, he exited her just before her letting go. He quickly stood on his knees as he finished on their sheets.

Laying in bed after, catching their breath, he couldn't be happier to have her in his arms.

"I missed hugging you like that." He said leaving a kiss on her head. "Please, just tell me the next time something is bothering you." He asked as he let go of the big breath, he didn't know he was holding.

"Actually…" She started… "There are a few things still on my mind." She whispered in his chest.

"What is it?" He whispered back.

"Well one of them must be fixed as of now." She said painting circles on his chest with her fingers.

"What was it?" He asked looking down at her.

"Breastfeeding Andrew. It is hell. Doctor said that I should relax, but I just couldn't." She looked up at him. "But I feel relaxed now that we talked."

"That's good. What's the other thing?" He asked curiously.

"Well… It's about your book." She said.