TWENTY-SIX
"I feel this is a special occasion" Mr. Keating chipped in. "And, back when I was part of the former Dead Poet Society, we used to go to a different place on special occasions. Would you like to see that, guys?"
Such a proposal triggered a new wave of thrill.
"Sure!"
"Please?"
"You don't really need to ask, Captain."
They filed outside the cave and Mr. Keating led them through the whitened woods, then up a cliff overlooking the stream. The surroundings were spectacular. Every tree was covered in icicles like sparkling diamonds. The chill had turned the otherwise barren forest into a wintertime marvel. It looked like an imaginary environment, made of cotton candy and sugary coating, one of those worlds where an elf or a pixie is assuredly expected to pop out from behind a bush at any moment. The moonbeams showering down and the stars twinkling in all their glory shrouded them in a silver halo, adding an even more surreal touch to the clean and cold night. Meeks, Pitts and Todd's voices singing Johnny Horton's The Battle of New Orleans out loud created a curiously noisy contrast to the sleepy fairy-tale landscape.
Bringing up the rear, Charlie and Knox were sauntering hand in hand with the girls. The two friends looked fondly at their intertwined fingers and then at each other in a wordless agreement: just a few months earlier, it would have been impossible to imagine such a scenario. An incredible night out far from Hellton, their best teacher frolicking with them and their sweethearts by their sides? Not even in their innermost dreams. Yet still...
"Bloody killjoy" Charlie grumbled. "If it hadn't been for him, Neil would have been here to enjoy this, too."
"Yeah, I have to remind him again to tell his father off once and for all as soon as I meet him tomorrow morning."
With that remark, Knox strode ahead with a curious full-of-questions Chris, while Charlie felt the grip on his hand loosen up. He stopped in confusion, turning his head towards October, but she was a few feet away, crouched in the snow, racked by heaves.
"Tobie!"
He lunged and knelt by her side, trying to pull her hair back while dodging her weak attempts to push him away with a hand.
"For God's sake, what's happening? You're not okay at all."
"I'm fine. Please, go away. I don't want you to see me like this" she croaked, causing Charlie to scoff.
"Shut up, there's no version of you that I'm not ready to see, Sibyl. This is in sickness and in health, okay? C'mon, here" he urged, scooping up some snow and using it to clean her lips. She oddly gave a bitter smile and let him do it, then took deep breaths to calm down, mentally reproaching herself. How could she hope to avoid questions without a shred of self-possession?
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong, now?" he quietly inquired after some seconds of padded silence, only shattered by the distant voices of their friends singing.
"I'm fine" she repeated.
"This stuff tells me otherwise" he pointed out.
She grimaced, averting her gaze.
"Alcohol in an empty stomach, such a classic. I should have learned by now, shouldn't I?"
"But you're in such a state..."
"It's because... Neil is not here."
Charlie frowned.
"We are all sad for that, but don't you think you're a bit exag..."
"I'm fine, I promise" she cut him off with a resolute tone, standing up. "Let's catch up with the others, they'll be wondering where we are."
She began heading off, but realized after a few steps that he was not following her. She turned her head to meet his disappointed expression and her heart sank out of shame. She slowly retraced her steps and got close to him again, her eyes fixed on his chin.
"I'm sorry" she murmured in a barely audible voice. "I know I can be a total bitch, sometimes. It's just... I wasn't expecting your help. I didn't need it, but still... Thanks."
Charlie's resentment couldn't help but soften. Did he know she was talking about his moral – and not physical – support? She didn't think so.
"You never expect anyone's help" he calmly stated.
She swallowed.
"Maybe."
"Maybe it's time to give me a chance."
Her irides darted up towards him and met his pure smile. The lump in her throat told her that she would break into tears in no time if she didn't do something to stem the tide. Therefore, ignoring the protests of her pride, she leaned towards him, hiding in the crook of his neck just like he once did with her, and squeezed her eyes as hard as she could.
Charlie embraced her softly, wishing he could turn into a huge duvet to protect her from the chill of the world. For the first time, he was witnessing her reaction when she was under pressure. No wonder she was so reluctant to rely on anyone other than herself. That was just like her. But she had to understand that he wasn't anyone, that there was nothing wrong with letting go. He knew it wouldn't be easy to tear all of her barriers down, and her toughness would probably be a source of conflict someday, but he had never been discouraged by anything in his life and certainly wouldn't start at that moment, when that brief glimpse of inner vulnerability he was catching was a clear sign that she needed him just as he needed her. Although the revelation should have made him triumphant, he just felt happy to be there for her. And suddenly, it was no longer important to hear her say something about her state – or about her feelings for him, for that matter. What was the rush? The moment she was ready to speak, he would be there to listen to her.
He left her some minutes to regain her composure, stroking her hair in the process. When she eventually pulled back, her expression held no more trace of distress. She looked him in the eye, where she read he was in no need of any other thanks. Hence, she tried to convey all of her abounding gratitude through her eyes. For his help though she didn't want it, for his support though she didn't need it, for the absence of any further questions though he had every right to search for answers she couldn't give him. He gave her such an understanding and reassuring smile, she thought it could come straight out of Fitzgerald's pen.
"Feeling better?"
She confirmed. He kissed her knuckles and pulled her to follow along.
"Great. Come on, now, let's go."
The rest of the group hadn't gotten very far by the time Charlie and October caught up with them. All the same, they had reached the place pledged by their teacher: made by layers and layers of silk and lace sewn by the masterful hand of nature, a frozen waterfall towered above them like a huge sculpture defying the laws of gravity. It was astonishing. For an instant, the beauty had the power to finally distract the couple from recent events.
"Wow" Charlie murmured, searching for October's eyes once more. She bobbed her head encouragingly, prompting him to join his friends, who were reciting Vachel Lindsay's General William Booth Enters Into Heaven in a back-and-forth with Mr. Keating. He complied and, when alone, she let a sigh flee from her lips.
Despite the ostensible grip back on herself, she was still held hostage by the horror of her fear. But she had to believe that everything would be fine. That she was there for a reason. That her path was not by chance. That her deduction and consequent choice had been the right one. She didn't want to lose that special moment with the guys, not when there was nothing else she could do at that point, not when everything around was so breathtaking, not when even Keating and Chris had joined them, making everyone happy – albeit for different reasons. So she tried to focus her attention on Charlie.
For once, he had been the one who had supported her, despite her reluctance. And that hadn't been his only incredible deed of the evening. He had also confessed his feelings. And she hadn't been able to respond. She had just stayed there, turned to stone, her eyes still focused on the stage, without knowing whether her tears were still from sorrow or joy. But Charlie had looked like he was not expecting a reply. He had just wanted to say it out loud. And that was just like him. He gave without asking for anything in return. Because he was humble, he was unselfish. He hadn't even insisted on making her spit it all out. Was there a limit to his extraordinary being? She glanced at him and watched him laugh and play with his friends, so lively and unspoiled. Her heart overflowed. Didn't he deserve a better person than her?
"Tobie!"
She flinched and looked up at Todd, who was waving at her. The formerly cut-out noise suddenly filled her consciousness again and the verses of another poem by Lindsay met her ear.
"Then I saw the Congo creeping through the black, cutting through the forest with a golden track..."
She pursed her lips and, with renewed steadfastness, she joined the group, who had begun dancing arm in arm, taking turns with each other. Little by little, the warm chorus and the cold air soothed her thoughts. When she ended up in Charlie's arms and noticed his red cheeks and his mirth fully back in place, she even managed to genuinely smile. They hopped together, following the rhythm along with the others – except for Knox, who was a little away from them, lost in his dance with Chris. October spotted them and nodded to Charlie, who turned his head towards the couple.
"Look at them. Aren't they cu..."
But the words got lost in the frosty air. Much to their shock and against all odds, Knox and Chris leaned towards each other and shared their first kiss.
"Oh shit, yaw..."
"Shh!"
October put a hand on Charlie's mouth to shush him.
"Don't. Leave them be, we weren't supposed to see that."
"But it's wonderful!"
"I know, Snoopy!"
"And you are wonderful. Everything is wonderful. I want to live this moment with the people I care about most over and over till I turn into an old fart! I want to kick Neil's father's ass and bring him here with us. I want to be sure you're okay and wash away this mysterious concern you don't want to talk about. I want to find the right ointment for your inner scars, and a way to keep you here, and..."
"I love you, Charlie" she cut him off, surprising herself as well. She hadn't meant to say it. It had literally flown out of her mouth like a dove, as white as the snow all around. Charlie halted mid-sentence and looked at her with a priceless dumbfounded expression, savoring the words that were dripping from her tongue like honey. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I guess it's something hard for me to feel, let alone to say. But I've had feelings for you all along, since... Never mind. A long time. Call it a crush if you want, and I don't really know when everything has become so clear and solid and defined and huge and... I don't know. I'm still not sure about my future and my life, so I cannot really tell you anything more than this. Don't ask me to make promises I might not be able to keep. Just be sure that I love you more than I thought I could. It's really all you need to know. And you're definitely my typewriter, and will be even if and when all the keys should break off. I hope it's enough for you."
Charlie seemed to have completely lost the gift of speech. He just gawked at her, trying to avoid squealing like a cheerleader. Could they also yawp? Better ask Chris, but he didn't think so. And yet, if there were girls at Welton and they had Keating as a professor, how would they yawp? But, above all, was he wandering off because he was feeling as excited as one of them during a football match where the home team is thrashing the visitors? All at once, he shook his head and beamed. He bent to catch hold of his woman, an arm behind her back and the other behind her knees, savoring the finally lighthearted scream that erupted from her throat, and then spun around, whirling in the snow with her, their laughter spiraling high towards the clear sky.
A/N: Hi folks!
Yeah, I'm still alive. I'm sorry, I've been super busy and, as you know, the previous chapter and this one have been written on different moments and patched together in this undignified way. I tried to improve it, clearly to no avail. But I promise the next chapters will be better and I do hope you're still there to give me another chance ^^
FYI, the frozen waterfall setting is part of the raw deleted scenes. The line [...] such an understanding and reassuring smile [...] out of Fitzgerald's pen is a reference to The Great Gatsby, by Francis Scott Fitzgerald.
So, I hope you're all fine, I wish you good readings and I'll try to update quicker :)