Note: If you were picturing blessed Kazuma as a monk or a paladin dressed all in white armor... stop it. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. Sadly. For him.
Goddess's Blessing On This Wonderful Minion!
A Konosuba Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 2: Axis-Adjacent Assistant
A few days later, Kazuma returned home to find Aqua in her usual spot: draped across the couch. However, he did notice something unusual: she appeared to be soaking her feet in a large bowl of water. His first thought was that she was practicing her powers of purification. Most liquids in small containers (and especially various potions in Wiz's shop) were purified almost instantly upon contact with Aqua, but anything larger tended to take some time.
Noticing Kazmna's curious gaze, Aqua waved lazily at him. "Oh, you're back, Kazuma. Do me a favor and pass me that beer, would you?"
Kazuma blinked. There was indeed a bottle of beer on the floor... about an inch from Aqua's outstretched hand. If she had put in a bit more effort, of course she could have picked it up on her own. And his first instinct was to tell her exactly that.
Instead, he walked across the room, picked up the bottle, and handed it to her.
Without a word of thanks, Aqua drained the bottle in one long pull, panted happily and wiped her mouth, letting out a small burp.
Kazuma stared at her blankly, trying very hard not to show his disgust. Either he managed it well, or Aqua was simply too lazy to notice. "So," Kazuma said dully, "what did you do today?"
Aqua pouted. "I walked all over town trying to get people to join the Axis Cult! Can you believe I wasn't able to find even one promising convert?!"
By "promising convert"... Aqua likely meant either "person crazy or stupid enough to fall for my less than brilliant schemes" or "person with enough money to pay my debts for a while", Kazuma figured. He wisely kept this to himself.
"And that's why your feet are hurting," Kazuma concluded.
Aqua nodded and closed her eyes, either too tired, too lazy, or too devoted to acting at one or both to reply.
"Well... I could massage them for you," Kazuma offered slowly.
Aqua opened one eye. "Kazuma. Do I need to remind you that as a goddess who reviewed your whole life before we met, I found plenty of shameful foot fetish porn stashed in your computer?"
Kazuma was very careful to keep his face blank. "What's your point, Aqua? That I might be using this generous offer as a way of stocking up on mental fap material?"
Aqua's open eye locked on his face. "Yes."
"I'd be lying if I denied it," Kazuma admitted. "But you already know that I use the rest of you as mental fap material. At least this way, you get something out of it, too. Other than mercilessly teasing me about this later."
Aqua considered this for all of one second. "Just so you know, I wouldn't tease you about this later."
"No?"
"I'm going to tease you about it during." Aqua extracted her feet from the bowl and pointed them at Kazuma. "Get to work, perverted foot slave."
Within a few minutes, Aqua was little more than a pile of moans that occasionally muttered halfhearted insults. Kazuma had neglected to mention that during his frequent visits to the fine establishment that employed the local succubi, he had picked up his share of professional massage techniques. He hadn't really expected to ever use them on Aqua, but in the end, mental fap material was mental fap material. At some point, the insults stopped. Kazuma first assumed that Aqua was simply too comfortable to continue, and he was half-right: she had fallen asleep. For a moment, Kazuma watched her snore. He thought briefly of simply covering her with a blanket, but immediately dismissed that idea. Why do that, when he could carry Aqua to her own bed... and then retire to his own bed with the added stimulation of having recently run his hands all over Aqua's sleeping body? She could hardly complain, it was her fault for falling asleep, and if she were ever this careless around someone less respectable, she could end up with far worse than a well-groped body. So really, he was doing her a favor by teaching her a lesson.
She just happened to not even be awake for it. But again, that wasn't his fault.
"Beer for breakfast?" Megumin asked the next morning.
It was true. Kazuma had gotten up early, done some shopping, and come back with plenty of alcohol. It helped that he was in a really good mood. Apparently, he'd had some superb dreams the previous night, but would not say what they were about.
Curiously, the only alcohol Kazuma bought were the types that Aqua preferred. Megumin only noticed because she preferred (or rather, was only allowed) non-alcoholic drinks, and Kazuma had managed not to buy any. Normally, that by itself would not have been outside of the realm of Kazuma's usual thoughtlessness.
Except that Kazuma made a show of pouring Aqua's beer for her. That was instantly suspicious. But before Megumin could warn Aqua to be wary, the supposed water goddess had already chugged the first glass, belched loudly, and demanded more. Kazuma quickly obeyed.
This repeated itself several times, and soon enough, Aqua was snoring loudly on the couch, while Megumin glared at Kazuma.
"I know you're up to something," Megumin said accusingly.
"I'm being nice," Kazuma replied calmly.
"But only to her!"
Kazuma sighed and shook his head regretfully. "Jealousy doesn't suit you at all, Megumin."
Megumin scowled. "What?! I'm not jealous!"
"Then you have no complaints about me treating one of our valued party members well."
"But! That! Ooooh! This isn't over, Kazuma!" Megumin vowed as she stomped away in a huff.
When Aqua woke up a few hours later, Kazuma greeted her with a plate full of her favorite foods. Without a word, she began happily stuffing her face.
Megumin looked on with growing suspicion. At her side, Darkness, who she had all but dragged with her, watched in confusion.
"And this has been going on all day?" Darkness asked.
"Yeah!" Megumin snapped. "He's only being nice to her!"
From the way Megumin was pouting, Darkness correctly assumed that she was jealous, and further correctly assumed that pointing this out would be a mistake. "Maybe he's going to ask her for a really big favor later, and wants to increase the chances that she'll agree to it?"
Megumin considered this for a few seconds. "No, this is Kazuma. He wants to take advantage of her by doing something underhanded, and this is part of a grand scheme."
Darkness sighed. "Megumin, I realize that Kazuma is not exactly a paragon of virtue, but neither is Aqua. If one wants to play a prank on the other, and we're being left out of it, that is hardly our business, and we should be thankful. Perhaps you and I could do something fun together."
After a pause, Megumin turned to Darkness. "Fun like what?"
A telltale blush appeared on Darkness's face. "We could challenge a really strong mob of monsters, and while you prepare your Explosion magic, I will sacrifice my body and be mercilessly pawed at until-"
Megumin stopped listening at that point and turned to check on things. Aqua was still happily eating, and Kazuma was standing nearby, with a wicked, knowing gleam in his eyes as he rubbed his hands together fiendishly.
But no more fiendishly than he had ever done, so perhaps that was okay, for now.
"Fine, let's go," Megumin sighed. She grabbed the still-panting Darkness by the arm and dragged her away.
Even Aqua had to admit that something was weird by the third day. Kazuma made her a nice breakfast without being asked, and then he said something truly startling.
"I don't think there are enough devoted Axis Cult members in this town. Aqua-sama! We should work together to change that!"
There was no more doubt in Aqua after she heard that: Kazuma was definitely up to something.
He... was well on the way to gradually becoming one of Aqua's beloved children himself! But she had to be careful, because she knew he spooked easily, so it was necessary to ease him into the wondrous wonder that was the Axis Cult.
"That sounds like a great idea, Kazuma," Aqua said with a warm smile.
Kazuma stared at her, obviously having expected happy shouting, but not calm acceptance. He looked a little scared, honestly. But he quickly recovered. "Right! It's time to convert some unfortunate non-believers!"
Roughly seventeen hours later, Kazuma and Aqua slowly walked through the front door and collapsed a few steps beyond the threshold. They had spent most of the day trying to recruit new members for the Axis Cult.
It had not gone well.
The mere mention of the group was enough to make most people grab the nearest stationary object and brandish it like a weapon at the nearest Axis Cult recruiter. So most of the day had actually been spent running, dodging, and hiding. Aqua insisted that they not fight back, because the non-believers could not be blamed for their ignorance. Although for some reason, it was perfectly acceptable for her to attack Eris followers simply for politely refusing her, or even wishing her an Eris-blessed day (although in fairness, Kazuma supposed he would have a similar reaction if he were constantly compared to Mitsurugi, who he firmly considered beneath him, if only in intelligence).
Kazuma did not complain. About that or anything else. Not even when they got arrested for trying to forcibly convert an Eris priest in his own chapel. Aqua probably should not have lost her patience and tried to drown him with what she insisted on calling "actual holy water", but what the authorities insisted on calling "flood damage to a religious building", which was punishable by immediate jail time. The only reason they were released was because the priest in question, amazingly (and possibly due to rapidly whispered pleas to Eris under Kazuma's breath), decided to forgive them and asked the authorities to let them go with a warning.
It would have been in good taste to thank the priest. Instead, Kazuma joined Aqua in spitting on the priest's shoes and running away very fast.
When he really thought about it, Kazuma could not say that anything he had done was too far outside of his comfort zone. Of course, allying himself with the Axis Cult went against everything he stood for. And even they had turned on Aqua at one point. But, so long as he thought of it solely as buttering up Aqua for a favor to be granted later (and so long as he did not have to formally join the Axis Cult), it wasn't so bad.
"Hey, Kazuma?" Aqua asked suddenly.
Kazuma blinked and looked at her. "Yeah?"
She grinned at him. "Thanks for all your help today. At this rate, we might actually convert someone in a week or two!"
Kazuma stared at her. Oddly, his first thought, which was how depressing an idea that was, was soon followed a second thought, which was that he really should not say that out loud. That was soon chased by a third thought, which was that he had actually managed to keep his mouth shut out of consideration for Aqua's feelings (and the aforementioned favor, of course).
"You know something, Aqua?" Kazuma said after a pause. "Even if we don't convert a single soul, it'll be worth it. In fact, I bet if we stopped promoting the Axis Cult, and instead told people how great you yourself are, we'd get a lot more positive responses."
The moment he said it, Kazuma knew he had made a mistake. Even Aqua wasn't dumb enough to fall for that load of flattering crap. She would probably laugh at him, or punch him, or-
Without warning, Aqua lunged at Kazuma. He was knocked to the ground by her overenthusiastic hug. And before he could make sense of what was happening, Aqua seized his face, and planted a huge, wet kiss directly on his lips.
Curiously, though Kazuma often had very pleasant dreams that started off that way, his first thought was of how many times he'd seen those same lips being wiped clean of rainbow vomit.
"I knew it!" Aqua cried happily as she sat up, straddling Kazuma's prone body. "I knew that one day, even you would be able to see my many virtues as a goddess, Kazuma!"
Kazuma slowly pointed a shaking finger up at her. "Y-You kissed me!" he gasped in horror.
Aqua laughed and put her hands on her hips. "Yes, I did! Consider yourself truly fortunate, lowly mortal!"
Kazuma was barely listening, because a new, exciting train of thought had pierced through his trauma-coated brain. Aqua had kissed him. Surely, that meant he had gained her favor? Surely, he was now blessed! Except... he didn't really feel any different. Only mild disgust at the rainbow vomit image.
Aqua blinked and peered closely at him. "Hey, Kazuma? When did you start wearing blue lipstick?"
"What? I don't wear-" Kazuma began to say, then froze. "What did you do to me?!" he demanded.
"What do you mean-?" Aqua began to ask, then squawked as Kazuma bucked his hips violently, spilling her hard on the floor, and ran from the room. "HEY!" she shouted angrily after him. "That's no way to treat your goddess!"
Kazuma ran to the nearest mirror to check his reflection. Sure enough, his lips were bright blue. If he hadn't known any better, he would have thought someone had put blue lipstick on him. Or, more accurately, that he'd put it on himself... which was what nine out of ten people would mistakenly assume soon enough. But that was the least of his immediate concerns, because what he felt and saw in the mirror in the next seconds was far more alarming: the overwhelming chill, spreading from his lips and racing all over his body...
Megumin and Darkness returned home from their monster hunt to find some very odd changes.
Aqua was drinking again, which was nothing new. Except that instead of chugging beer rapidly and passing out on the couch, as she normally did, she was now slowly sipping her alcohol, in a manner that could almost be considered lady-like. Clearly, she was trying to impress someone, but it was hard to say who, since Kazuma was nowhere in sight.
Kazuma was later found to have locked himself in the bathroom, and had been in there for some time. Aqua claimed that he was perfectly fine, no, more than fine. In fact, she insisted that he would probably never be sick again, and followed this with a big wink, as if she were in on some private joke that she forgot to tell anyone else about. Naturally, this was a little concerning to Megumin and Darkness, who both (rather accurately) imagined that Aqua had somehow cursed Kazuma with a near-permanent healing spell. Which sounded good on the surface, at least, but if you ever wanted to call in sick because your boss was jerk, only he knew you never got sick, you were kinda screwed.
Darkness finally knocked the bathroom door down, and only then because Megumin was seconds away from blasting it open. Inside, they found Kazuma.
Rather, they found his body. It was floating, facedown, fully-clothed, and very still, in the bathtub, which was overflowing with scalding water.
Megumin and Darkness exchanged looks of horror. As one, they reacted as only they could to the discovery of their newly fallen comrade:
"KAZUMA! KAZUMAAAAA!" they shrieked at top of their lungs.
After an endless second, the body jerked, and Kazuma's head whipped up, spraying them both with burning water. "Yes, I'm Kazu-" he started to say, but trailed off as Megumin and Darkness both wailed in relief and threw themselves at him with arms outstretched. With the very fresh memory of having gone through similar treatment by Aqua still in his head, Kazuma wisely dodged to the side, allowing both young women to sail past him with comical looks of shock on their faces, an instant before they hit the scalding water.
That is what should have happened to Megumin and Darkness. There were only two reasons it didn't.
First: that would have hurt them. A lot. And wary as he still was, Kazuma saw they were genuinely concerned about him, and he knew very well what the scene they walked into must have looked like. It was part of why he'd locked the door (the rest being to keep Aqua out): because he had figured it would be all too easy to hear them forcing their way in (although he had counted on the door and possibly the entire bathroom being blasted to bits by Explosion magic instead).
Second: in the instant before Megumin and Darkness hit the scalding water... it wasn't scalding anymore. Due entirely to Kazuma still being in the water, and thus being able to absorb all of the heat in the water. So instead of landing in scalding water, the young women landed in freezing cold water, and announced this by screaming shrilly at the top of their lungs.
Kazuma almost laughed, but then he noticed Aqua peeking into the bathroom. Their eyes met, and her face fell at the rage that rose in his eyes. Then she took in the rest of the scene, and gasped. "Wait, Kazuma, you shouldn't-"
But it was soon obvious to him what he shouldn't. The anger was feeding his new powers, and the water he was standing in was getting even colder... and so were Megumin and Darkness, who announced this realization with more shrill screams. Kazuma quickly got out of the tub, slipping only slightly in his haste, and brushed past Aqua roughly without a word.
Aqua sighed, then smiled weakly as she walked over to the bathtub and offered the stack of fresh towels she'd brought with her to her drenched comrades. "Raising kids is never easy, but it's always the extra moody ones that are dearest to their parents," she said.
There were many questions that Megumin and Darkness wanted to ask, but they both decided that warming up was their first priority.
Eris sighed when she glanced down and saw that Kazuma was dead, yet again.
Then she took a closer look and noticed how he'd died: he'd frozen to death. Which sounded unpleasant. Not that any of his deaths had been pleasant, but she decided to be extra patient with him this visit.
Only, upon even closer inspection, Eris saw that Kazuma had only been frozen for about two seconds before his death. Which was odd. Even stranger, there seemed to be a serious delay in his arrival to her recieving room. After a while, she realized why: he wasn't coming. Something was preventing his arrival.
So Eris looked even closer still, and her jaw dropped in shock.
Kazuma had indeed died. Only now, he was sort of... not dead any longer.
More precisely, and oddly, he was now... undead.
Eris had to put aside her instinctive reaction, which was that undead beings needed to be exorcised at once, because she quickly realized that wouldn't be possible, or at least not simple, in this case. For when she pulled up a stat read-out for the newly transformed Kazuma, the very first thing that jumped out at her? A warning: "Individual does not suffer ill effects from holy magic or holy weapons." And if there was one thing that was almost universally true for nearly every type of undead, it was an extreme weakness to the holy type. So if Kazuma was undead, and yet exempt from that weakness, he would be very, very lucky.
Or very, very blessed. And not by Eris, either.
"Oh, Aqua-senpai," Eris murmured in awe. "What cheat code have you bumbled your way into this time?" Then she winced. "No, I caused this, and it's my duty to fix it. I only hope Kazuma can find it in him to forgive me, before all this is done."
What went unsaid, however, was that after all this was done, it would be extremely unlikely to earn Kazuma's forgiveness, as at that point, he probably wouldn't be Kazuma anymore. And whoever he ended up reincarnated as, after Eris ended his current existence, would probably not look favorably upon Eris, or her followers.
Which might be perfectly acceptable, if you happened to be a water goddess who was no big fan of Eris to begin with. So perhaps, in a very roundabout way, Eris had achieved her goal of bringing Kazuma and Aqua closer, though in no way that Eris could have foreseen in even her worst nightmares.
Yuiyui hummed happily to herself as she carefully stirred the pot on the stove. Inside the pot was stew... or perhaps it would have been more precisely termed, what passed for stew, in her household. Most guests would have more precisely called it a great deal of boiled water with a few potatoes, cabbages, and a notable lack of meat and seasoning. But it was a meal that everyone who actually lived in the house was more than used to.
At that moment, there was a commotion as Yuiyui's youngest daughter, Komekko, stomped into the house, tracking mud and grass in her wake, and apparently not noticing the mess at all.
Yuiyui was about to comment, until she saw what Komekko was carrying in her arms.
A book. More precisely, a book that had cost the household no money, as Komekko had none to spend, wouldn't bother to ask for money for books, and had in all likelihood liberated from somewhere. But if she hadn't been caught or followed despite the obvious trail she'd left, then all the more reason to praise her efforts. And in any case, if Komekko had chosen education over her usual choice of chaos and destruction, all the better. A girl needed to be properly educated before she devoted her life to chaos and destruction, Yuiyui felt. If you were going to pursue something, you needed to know as much about it as you could beforehand.
But as it turned out, Komekko had not stolen the book. She'd written it. And, yes, stolen the materials to make it, but she had written it all herself.
It was a prayer book. Which would have been considered strange, as Crimson Demons recognized no deity that all or even most of them prayed to. Although more than a few claimed to be descended from various dark gods, or being such gods sealed in humanoid form. So Komekko's interest in religion would have been seen as odd, but certainly not unforgivable.
Komekko's prayer book did not contain prayers to a god that she had invented. Instead, it contained prayers recited to her, very carefully, so that she could not possibly have written them down incorrectly. Demons were often very precise that way, and the one Komekko had learned the prayers from seemed convinced that such a young girl might be bad at verbatim writing. Komekko had very little interest in prayers, but what she did have great interest in was results. And the demon had assured her that the prayers would give her guaranteed results. They were contractually obligated to, in point of fact. And since Komekko had entered into a verbal agreement with the demon, who was also contractually obligated, he could not lie to her.
Komekko tested this by praying for the demon to do a silly dance. Which he did, extremely reluctantly. Thus convinced, Komekko began to pray for things she actually wanted. And there was really only one thing she wanted. Well, she also wanted food, but she preferred to hunt that down herself, and would never think to pray for it.
So every night, in the room she had once shared with her older sister, Komekko would open her prayer book, and read the entire book aloud, though in a whisper, so as not to wake her sleeping parents. Despite this, Yuiyui had more than once awoken in the middle of the night, and overheard Komekko murmuring things like, "I offer this plea to the Goddess of Sloth and Violence," or "please transform her into a proper chaotic avatar of your teachings." Which, while somewhat concerning, at least was in line with what Yuiyui knew of Komekko's interests. And in any case, this behavior was preferable to Komekko being sad that Megumin had left home. Thankfully, Megumin's former classmates made a point to visit, and Arue in particular often brought books for Komekko to read. And while it had to be stated that Komekko did not seem to actually enjoy reading, she apparently deemed it necessary to achieve her goals.
And really, no one but the Foremost Devilish Little Sister of the Crimson Demon Clan, would pray for Megumin to be blessed by a dark goddess. Well, no one but Arue, once she learned of Komekko's plan, which she then encouraged. And Arue's prayers were less a heartfelt plea to the goddess, and more rough drafts of an adventure novel she was working on. But, technically, each time she wished Megumin luck on the journey, or hoped that the novel would be a huge success, that was a prayer. And, combined with Komekko's own efforts, that was more than a few prayers.
As it turned out, one thing most likely to catch a goddess's attention was an unusual prayer. They got bored like anyone else, so something new and interesting was a real attention grabber. And it was not so much that no one prayed to be a renowned follower of this particular dark goddess. It was more that very few followers of this dark goddess prayed for the success of anyone other than themselves, or the goddess. And of that number, only one of them had successfully summoned a high-ranked demon multiple times before even coming of age.
So, in a very odd coincidence, Komekko had managed to capture the attention of a dark goddess. And in an even greater coincidence, Komekko's prayers had a totally unintended impact. For not only was Megumin now blessed by said dark goddess, but said dark goddess was also keeping a watchful eye on Komekko. Between these two talented sisters, it was a safe bet that one day soon, this dark goddess would formally name one (or possibly even both) her successor.
Continued in Chapter 3: Holy Crap
Kazuma struggles to get a handle on being whatever he is now, which Aqua insists on calling a "NEET Lich"... which is entirely unhelpful, what with there never having been such a thing before.
Endnotes:
I think that if Eris blessed an adventurer, she's most likely to do so in a way that enhances what they already have. So it would truly seem like a turn of good fortune or luck. Aqua's blessing... is far less considerate. It's more about what her ideal avatar would possess. Which is not to say that she doesn't like Kazuma as he is, but that she would make certain minor tweaks to improve him. And if you're about to say that being turned undead is nothing like a minor tweak at all... that's exactly what Kazuma is thinking, too.
If it needs to be said, Kazuma will not be a typical lich. If for no other reason than blessing one might end its current existence. So that's partially why the holy resistances. But also so Aqua doesn't have to do stuff...