"Leafpool, I have a thorn in my paw!" complained Toadstep, limping his way into the medicine den.
Leafpool hid a smile. Not at Toadstep's pain, but over the fact that once again, cats were coming to her for help. Jayfeather had left a quarter moon prior to go to the mountains. She didn't know why he had gone, and the only explanation was vaguely that he had "gotten a sign". She was proud of her son for being trusted with such important missions by StarClan, but she couldn't help but miss the days when StarClan would have entrusted her with such signs.
At any rate, he was gone, and likely would be for the next moon at least. While he was away, Firestar had put her in charge of the medicine den. He had emphasized that she wasn't the full medicine cat and would still be asked to go out on patrol as a warrior, and she had been on a few hunting and border patrols, but she got to spend most of her time in the medicine den. For now at least, she was safe here. Great StarClan, I've missed this.
Instead of spending her days wandering through the forest patrolling the border and not catching prey, she was in the only place she had ever felt home. Taking stock of their store of herbs, helping Briarlight do her exercises, and pulling thorns from paws, it was all too clear a reminder of how much she belonged here. And how much she had lost.
It was hard being without Squirrelflight. Since she had become a warrior, they had spent nearly every moment together. If she closed her eyes and focused hard enough, she could feel a bit of what Squirrelflight was feeling. Their ability to do this had weakened as they had grown older, but it was still there. She would picture her sister and feel a gust of wind, the screech of an eagle, or the sensation of sharp rock beneath her paws. She hoped Squirrelflight was being safe- and that she was looking after Jayfeather, whether he wanted her to or not.
But for now, she had a patient to focus on. "Let me see it," she meowed to Toadstep, padding over to him. Sure enough, there was a small thorn lodged in his front paw. Leafpool gripped it carefully in her teeth, and in one smooth movement, pulled it out. "Try not to use it too much for the rest of today, and come see me if it's still hurting tomorrow or if it gets red or swollen, but you should be good to go now," she meowed.
"Wow, it feels much better!" meowed Toadstep, jumping up. "Thanks, Leafpool!" And as if had never been hurt, he dashed out of the den. Briarlight was out in the clearing playing with Molekit and Cherrykit, so Leafpool was alone in the den. Which she certainly didn't mind- it would give her time to look at the herb store again and see what they needed more of. Their stock was still a bit low from the harsh winter that was finally ending, so she thought today would be a good day to send Brightheart out to look for more.
No sooner had she started walking back to the store than she heard another voice behind her. "Hey, Leafpool," purred Sorreltail.
Leafpool turned, happy to see her friend. "Hey, Sorreltail. How's it going? Is everything okay?" she asked.
Sorreltail nodded. "Everything is fine. I was just coming to check on how you're doing," she meowed. "Is it weird, being back here again?"
Leafpool contemplated the question. Somehow, it wasn't. Being back in the medicine den felt so right it was as if she had never left. She had always known she wanted to be a medicine cat. She was meant to be a medicine cat. So being in that role again… "Honestly, it feels like I never left," she meowed honestly. "Does that make sense? I don't know."
"That makes perfect sense to me," meowed Sorreltail. "I felt the same when I went back to being a warrior after my time in the nursery. I love my kits, and I loved taking care of them, but the warriors' den always felt like my home. I know that's not true for all mothers- I mean, Ferncloud chose to stay in the nursery permanently. But for me, I think I would go crazy spending my whole life cooped up in there. I need to be running through the forest! I need to be fighting, and hunting, and just… moving!"
Leafpool stifled a mrrow of laughter. Her friend had never been content to stay in one place too long. When they had been younger, they had gotten into endless amounts of trouble together. She had known if she ever needed someone to sneak out of camp with her, Sorreltail would be there. She found herself missing those days sometimes. Things had been so much easier.
"Well, Ferncloud had kits so young," she reminded Sorreltail. "She didn't have as much time as you to get used to being a warrior. And besides, every cat is different. I love how much you love being a warrior, but it's definitely not for me." A pitying expression was starting to appear on Sorreltail's face, so Leafpool went on quickly, not wanting to hear how sorry Sorreltail was for her. "But I totally know what you mean. I know Ferncloud and Daisy serve the Clan in their own ways, but I can't imagine living my whole life waiting for a queen to have kits for me to help with."
Sorreltail nodded. "Exactly. We're mothers, but we're not just that. Just like fathers are not just fathers," she meowed. Leafpool couldn't agree more. "By the way, speaking of kits… have you noticed how much time Lionblaze and Cinderheart are spending together lately?"
Leafpool smiled. She certainly had. As mentors of littermates, it was expected that the pair would spend time together training their apprentices, but they were spending far more time together than their duties as mentors required. They would find any excuse to go on patrol together, even separating from the rest of a hunting patrol to hunt together. They would share prey in the camp, whispering to each other over a rabbit or a squirrel. And judging by the way Leafpool had caught them both yawning on a morning patrol more than once, it seemed they were also spending their nights together.
"They seem to be quite fond of each other," Leafpool meowed with a smile.
"Oh yes," meowed Sorreltail with a twinkle in her eye. "Quite fond of each other. Oh, Leafpool, do you think they'll become mates? We would have grandkits together! Imagine that, your son and my daughter having kits together. It would be the most wonderful thing." It would be. She had to admit, the idea of having grandkids made Leafpool's heart flutter. Imagining her brave, beautiful son and her best friend's daughter raising kits together… it was a lovely idea.
But with the idea came a pang of guilt. Sorreltail still didn't know what Leafpool knew- that her daughter, Cinderheart, was actually Leafpool's old mentor Cinderpelt in a new body. Cinderpelt had only become a medicine cat because she had been too injured to become a warrior, and so when she had died, as thanks for a life lived in service to her Clan, StarClan had allowed her to live a second life, as a warrior this time.
Cinderheart still had no idea about the second life that lived inside her, but more than once, it had become clear to Leafpool that she remembered more than she realized. She had a knowledge of herbs and medicine that she had never learned as a warrior, she remembered the mountains despite having never been there herself, and every so often, her personality would shift just for a moment into one far more like that of Leafpool's old mentor.
Leafpool had decided long ago never to tell Cinderheart about who she really was. Cinderpelt had wanted the chance to live a normal warrior's life. If Leafpool told her now that she was really the second life of a dead medicine cat she had never met, it would ruin her chance of ever doing that. Cinderpelt had wanted to become a normal warrior, and have a mate and kits, and she intended to let Cinderheart do just that without the burden of the knowledge Leafpool carried.
But a conversation from a few days ago had made Leafpool worry that would never happen. First, she had overheard Cinderheart and Lionblaze arguing. Cinderheart had seemed to be having one of her flashbacks. "I always wanted a mate and kits," she had whispered, staring at her paws. "But it wasn't my destiny. Never to feel the warmth of fur…never to suckle…" Lionblaze had been utterly confused by her statement, reassuring her that she would find another mate, apparently assuming she meant she didn't want to be with him. But Leafpool knew what was really happening. Cinderheart was remembering her past life, and how she hadn't been able to have kits. Leafpool had wanted to protect Cinderheart from the burden of her past life by keeping the truth from her, but it seemed like it was destined to catch up with her regardless.
Afterwards, Cinderheart had run off alone, and Leafpool had invited Lionblaze to talk to her about it. To her surprise, he had agreed. "Cinderheart seems to think we have different destinies," he had told her. "I don't understand her."
Poor Lionblaze, Leafpool had thought sympathetically. The cat he loves is pushing him away because of a past life neither of them knows about. How is he supposed to work around that?
"I think I do," Leafpool had told him, though of course she couldn't explain why. "And I really believe that she loved you—in fact, I think she still does." She meant what she was saying. Cinderheart clearly loved Lionblaze a lot, when she was just Cinderheart and not Cinderpelt. She might carry with her the memories of a medicine cat who was not allowed to take a mate, but she herself was still allowed to. In time, she would realize those feelings were not her own, and that she wanted to be with Lionblaze.
After that, Lionblaze had asked her if she missed being a medicine cat, surprising her even more than the talk about Cinderheart had. She had always felt like she connected with Lionblaze the least of her kits, though through no fault of his own. Jayfeather had been her apprentice, and they had spent all their time together. And Hollyleaf had been her apprentice briefly, and even after that, she had been so brilliant and so curious that she was easy to talk to. But Lionblaze was far more like Brambleclaw than either of his mothers, and she just didn't feel like they understood each other as well as she understood her other kits.
But now Lionblaze was talking to her about destiny, and seemed to understand surprisingly well the struggles she had faced with her own. He was a smart cat. Maybe smarter than she had given him credit for in the past. And she knew he would work through his issues with Cinderheart, and he would be a good father too.
"I would love it if our kits became mates, Sorreltail," Leafpool meowed, finally answering her friend. "You already have grandkids through Poppyfrost- what's it like?"
"Oh, it's the most beautiful experience you can imagine," Sorreltail meowed wistfully. "I not only get to see my kit, the beautiful kit I created, but also the beautiful kits she created. Knowing that she'll pass down all the love I gave to her to a new generation of kits is… just so special."
Leafpool smiled. It did sound special. She knew having her kits was against the warrior code, and she knew that was the reason she had lost her job. But it was also the greatest thing she had ever done. Whatever else happened, she would never regret her kits.