Disclaimer: I don't own the Naruto series, just Takara and her family (not Anko (obviously, lol))

Trigger Warning: Swearing, grief, talks of depression (I am not a doctor and please don't take anything I say as fact or advice. In the USA a person can call or text 988 which is the National Institute of Mental Health to connect with a trained crisis counselor.)

If you find deep long emotional conversations about depression and depression symptoms triggering I will leave a quick tldr of the most important info from that scene in the author's notes. The start and end of the scene will have "~~~".

And allow me to clarify, there will be depression/grieving symptoms throughout this entire chapter but the ~~~ is for a scene that talks about depression by name for an extended period.

Chapter 38~ Dirt

I was chewing my tongue as I made the final notes for Dad's memorial. It would be held the following night at the KIA stone and be ninja only. I'm not going to make the same mistake as last time with mean civilians trying to get access.

But the time for Dad's actual burial was creeping up on me. I stepped into the bathroom to gather my forgotten hair, but was surprised to find dark circles around my eyes and my skin tone looking paler than usual.

I opened the cabinet and saw pallets of Mom's old makeup, but froze.

Which one… is which? What do I need?

I sorted through the pallets before coming to a pack with small squares, each a different color. One of the colors was a pinkish red so I rubbed a little on my ring finger before patting it lightly on my cheeks. Then I tried to rub it in. The texture was crumbly and the color seemed more drab on my skin. Does makeup expire?

My frown grew as I looked at myself in the mirror before sighing and washing my face with hand soap. I guess I will have to look tired.

It took a little time to smooth out my shirt before I put on my Chūnin vest. My own headband and clan band were tied onto my arms.

I looked in the mirror one last time and felt something punch me in the gut. My all black clothes, and my bands being where they are… My outfit is exactly what Dad wore all the time. I guess I never realized Dad always looked like he was in mourning. Surely that's not the reason he always wore exclusively black. He is a ninja after all… was. He was a ninja.

I grabbed fathers bands and clenched my fist. Was Dad always sad? He was a ninja but most ninja still wear a pop of color. I think I'm overanalyzing; some people just love black. I shook the thought away and left.

Thankfully I arrived at the cemetery at the same time as my guests. Naruto, Sasuke, and the Hokage were there, along with Itoh-san and Usagi. To my surprise Kakashi was there too, standing away from the group and close to the gate.

As I entered we made eye contact and stood there for a moment.

I could feel the eyes of my guests watching me.

"So you're not late when you're not invited?" I asked, raising an eyebrow and waiting.

Kakashi leaned off the fence and walked within arms length of me. "I came to pay my respects, and to apologize. I made a mistake, I should have told you."

"Why didn't you?" The words slipped out of me so quickly it was as if I didn't have control, "You knew, didn't you?"

He nodded and was avoiding eye contact before slowly sliding his gaze to me. "The truth is after the barrier went up, and it went up seemingly seconds after the bomb went off, I went to the barrier along with many high ranking ninja. We were trying to find a way to break through, but only your father and the Hokage were trapped with him." He looked so uncomfortable as he explained this to me. "Your Dad saw me, and yelled my name. He asked if you were safe, and when I didn't know, he told me to not tell you where he was. He said you would be pissed and distract him the whole battle."

I clenched my fists. Typical Dad.

"You should've told me."

He nodded, "Yes, I should've… I have many regrets, and this is one of them."

My thoughts fell to that day. If I had gone to the barrier I'm sure Dad would've yelled at me. I know he would tell me to take care of my friends and that he would be fine. That's a very Dad thing to say… and if I had stayed to watch the battle then it's possible Kiba would've succumbed to his poisoning. Not being with my Dad probably saved Kiba's life, but all the same-

"The moment the battle turned I should've gone to you, so that you could've said goodbye properly. But…" Kakashi looked to the ground, digging the toe of this shoe into the gravel, "We all had hoped he would win."

It felt like there was a film reel being activated in my brain and the scene being projected on my eyelids was me as a child. With my long curly hair, my little purple dresses, clinging to my parents, and saying at every drop of a hat, "My Dad is the strongest ninja in the village apart from the Hokage himself!" I was so proud of his strength and dedication to our village.

"He didn't… die alone… right?" I asked very slowly, picking the words carefully but at the same time dumbly. Of course he didn't die alone, they had so many people watching the battle right outside the barri-

"No he didn't. He was in the arms of the Hokage listening to the determined calls of everyone there."

I felt my shoulders instinctually relax. Even though I could've guessed the answer, having the confirmation made me feel so much better.

I turned my head slightly and the Hokage and I made intense eye contact. When I looked back at Kakashi I nodded at him.

"I accept your apology. You were complying with his wishes." My tone was cool and collected but the heat burning in my heart was not. I don't want to accept his apology. Not yet… but I have no choice. My father would want me to listen to the Hokage, even if I have other ideas. He died for the Hokage so I suppose it's the least I can do.

Kakashi seemed to be observing the behavior between the Hokage and I before he shook his head, "I shouldn't have sent you away. I'm sorry."

I breathed in deeply and shrugged, "Okay. Thank you for saying that. Now let's get this over with."

There seemed to be a pressure release between everyone there when Kakashi and I walked over together. Naruto and Sasuke looked especially thankful.

"Taka-onee!" Usagi yelled and quickly scrambled into my arms. He pressed his face into my shoulder and I tried to soothe him.

The groundskeeper arrived shortly after with a casket and a team to move it around. They positioned it above the grave with a lot of effort. Once it was stable, and I was given the go ahead, Usa and I went up to the closed box.

I set a hand on the corner and gave it a pat. I didn't say anything to Usagi, or to the group around us. They all know how I feel. Usagi looked at the box warily and made no effort to touch it as he instead opted to grip the front of my shirt tightly.

After a few moments the groundskeeper asked if there was anything I'd like to send off with Dad.

I agreed and shifted Usagi's weight so I could grab Dad's bands. I held them out to the man but before he could grab them Usagi ripped the items from me.

"No! Daddy's!" He cried and pressed the bands to his chest. He erupted into a loud cough and I tried to bounce him a little to comfort him. After the barking cough died down I waited a beat before looking back to the concerned groundskeeper, "It's fine. We have nothing to send off."

He nodded and they began lowering it into the ground. It's weird to think that 'it' is my father-

My mouth pressed into a line and my eyes flickered away, to anything but the scene before me. Naruto seemed to appear at my side and set a warm hand on my shoulder. I looked back at the coffin.

Usagi started wailing loudly and pressed the bands to his face. I ran a hand through his hair while I muttered soft encouraging words, but I felt transfixed in muted disdain, as they flung dirt onto my father's coffin.

I had never asked the specifics of his death, and I don't think I ever want to know.

After watching the process for a few minutes Usagi was silently lifted from my arms. I watched Naruto hold the now silently weeping child, and he gave me a soft apologetic smile. "We will give you a few moments with your Dad," he said in such a non Naruto voice. He motioned all the others to follow him to the gate.

I looked back at the grave and was almost startled to see the hole was filled. When did that happen?

When I whipped around to where Naruto had been, everyone was gone. Why is everything moving so fast?

I took tiny steps to be at the foot of my father's grave, and mama's grave was next to it of course. They had planned this… I guess.

"Dad," I said into the air, but it felt flat. "Dad…" I tried again.

I had felt so at peace during the carving ceremony, and now it was like everything was coming back full force.

"Why did you break your promise?" I asked- no demanded of the fresh grave.

"Do you feel accomplished now? Making me become an adult and caretaker at the ripe age of 12. Could you really not wait to join Mama?" My words were bitter. I felt… loathsome.

I loved him.

I hate him.

"You bastard. I thought you loved me- both of us. And now my life… I don't even know." My jaw hurts, I'm clenching so hard.

"I worshiped you, and you lied," I sniffled, fumbling with my clan band for a moment before throwing it with all my strength at the ground. "Because of you and this clan I don't have a choice. Did you really want to be a hero that badly?" I felt myself bending inwards like a question mark. Tears dripped noiselessly onto his grave and my clan band.

I stared at the band intensely, and the dark circles my tears had stained into it. The fresh brown dirt around it was also polka dotted. I've always loved dirt, it was yet another connection between Dad and I. I slowly sank to the ground, my fingers digging into the dirt as I held on for dear life.

"Please- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I love you so much Dad. I need you!" I gripped the dirt beneath me and pressed my forehead to the ground. Both bowing and crumbling to the man buried beneath me.

I stayed there in that crumpled position, sniffling and waiting until my tears ceased. I don't know how much time had passed when I felt a hand on my back.

Slowly I straightened myself and looked at Sasuke with bleary eyes. He squatted down to be at the same level as me and gave my back another pat.

"The Hokage left but Kakashi-Sensei, Naurto, and that lady are still outside the gate with Usagi. We don't mind waiting longer but wanted to know if we can help in any way."

The word 'help' felt like it snapped me back to reality. I could feel the rough dirt between my fingers and the ache in my back from leaning over for so long.

"No," I said quietly, "I'll be fine. I can get up now." True to my word I got up and patted my knees, arms, and head where I had touched the ground.

"Let's take you home," Sasuke said simply and escorted me to the gate. Once we exited Usagi appeared at my legs and started pulling at my pants. I carefully scooped him up and let him rub on my face with his dirty hands.

"Taka-onee is sad," he said loud enough for everyone to hear.

I am too tired to be embarrassed.

"Yes, I am. I'm going to miss Dad," I told him and rubbed his back.

Usagi looked up at the sky and his voice got wobbly, "But he's watching."

For a brief moment I felt myself get frustrated when my own words were being used to soothe me… when… I thought of Takeshi. My great grandfather who comforted me when I was dying only months ago. I had wondered if it was a hallucination but Dad had resonated with my tiny comment on the experience. Maybe… Dad is watching. And mom. We aren't alone.

"Yes, he is," I agreed, before we began walking back towards my home.

Itoh-san quickly matched my pace, "Gushikan-san, I want to let you know that the ruling on the guardianship will be finalized tomorrow morning."

Nodding at her words I felt my arms tighten ever so slightly on the toddler.

"Hokage-sama sent a note to our office announcing your promotion, and we have received more letters of support from your community. There seems to be quite an impressive loving group of people around you." She was giving me a very earnest smile.

'More letters?' I thought curiously and turned to look at my team who was suspiciously looking away from me at the moment.

My eyes softened a little and I breathed out slowly, "Thank you for the kind words, and thank you for allowing Usagi to come here. I hope it's okay if he takes Dad's bands with him tonight."

Itoh-san waved a hand, "No problem at all. Clearly he is attaching himself to any image of his father he can. It's a very natural response."

I nodded at her words and patted Usagi's head while he still clung to me and the bands.

When we got to the path that would lead to my home I stopped and gave an apologetic look to my brother. "I'm sorry but you have to spend one more night with Itoh-san and the others."

I was expecting another fight but after the small boy processed my words he allowed me to set him down and he grabbed Itoh-san's hand. "See you tomorrow, Taka-onee? Can we have cake then?" His voice was raw from crying and coughing.

I smiled a tad confused but bent to his level, "Yes, see you tomorrow Usa-chan. I will buy a ginormous cake."

He gave me a shy smile and waved goodbye as they left; I waved back, exhausted.

Once they were out of sight I turned to my lingering team. "So do you all have anything to do with my large support system?"

They didn't say anything for a second but Kakashi broke the silence, "Naruto and Sasuke ran around town to every ninja you've met, every civilian you've saved, and a particularly kind waitress you defended. Most of them wrote a letter defending your character. They rightfully assumed you would be stingy with your asks."

Naruto sputtered before pointing a finger at the masked man, "It was his idea! And he told us he tracked down your Dad's friends and got lots of adults to write letters!"

"You-" I started but stopped. Dad's friends are all Anbu. I don't even know all of their identities; it never occurred to me to track them down. How would Kakashi be able to?

I could hear Conscience giggle and the answer hit me like a wave, 'Oh he was Anbu too.'

I \stared at the man for several more seconds before nodding slowly, "I see. You put in a lot of effort."

It was unspoken but the message between us was clear, 'You feel guilty huh?'

He responded only with a "Yea," and I could feel my brain spinning its gears about this situation.

In the end I shrugged it off and thanked my team for all their help. It may be the reason I get custody after all.

Kakashi stepped next to me and set a hand on my shoulder for just a moment before body flickering away. I guess he too is done with this increasingly awkward situation.

Sasuke quickly made a comment that he needed to get going so I thanked him for coming. I turned to Naruto, expecting the same, but he didn't budge from my side. Only waving goodbye to Sasuke with a knowing grin.

I looked curiously at him, but followed when he motioned me to come back to the house. Thankfully I had made an effort to keep it decently clean but Naruto wouldn't have minded a mess anyway. It's not his personality.

He told me to take a seat on the couch and I did so, still thoroughly stumped at what was happening. And then before I could finally question it there was a knock on the door. Naruto quickly answered it and my eyes widened at the sight of Shikamaru, Choji, and Kiba entering.

I grinned and stood up right away, "Hey guys! What are you doing here?" Having my friends around always gave me a sense of warmth, and I could use more of that these days.

The boys looked at each other a bit surprised. "Isn't it obvious?" Shikamaru asked, taking in my oblivious face.

"Takara…" Choji said slowly, he crossed the short distance to be close to me, "It's your birthday tomorrow."

I blinked, the dates appearing in my head and my brain desperately counting as though I could prove them wrong… But I couldn't. I fell back on my butt, in the center of the couch, right where Dad liked to sit.

Instead of being able to correct this horrible joke, I began to laugh. First a snicker that eventually turned into me with my head in my hands laughing uncontrollably. I felt the couch give on either side of me as someone set a hand on my back.

After a minute my laugh subsided and I remained with my head deep in my hands. My brain was racing around and I finally looked up to Shikamaru who had taken a seat in mom's chair.

"My family is cursed," My words were apathetic.

Shikamaru raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "They aren't. There has just been a series of unfortunate circumstances."

I leaned back a bit. Naruto and Choji gave me a bit more space. My head tilted to the side and I gave a bitter sweet smile.

Usagi and I sharing mom's death date is bad enough, and now Dad has passed a mere four days ahead. And with his memorial, which is all people will remember, taking place on our birthday… If we get memorial cards they will always mix into our birthday cards, just like moms. We are orphan's who-

My shoulders tensed as my own train of thought rattled me. I knew we were alone but I had managed to avoid that word even subconsciously until now.

"We're orphans," I muttered, before letting out a long and deep sigh. My shoulders remained tense as I leaned back and crossed my arms, looking at my not very subtlety concerned friends. "Well I suppose this all explains why Usagi wants cake tomorrow," I tried to joke.

My friends were silent for a moment longer before Kiba broke the ice, "Hey! Let's eat!" I hadn't noticed the bag he was holding. We moved to the dining room and Kiba unloaded several large pieces of tupperware. "We made Miso soup, mackerel, barbecue, steak, ramen," he looks pointedly at a grinning Naruto, "and some sides. We also got some cupcakes."

Chuckling a little I said, "So you made all your favorites for a grand feast huh?" I wasn't hungry, but I forced myself to eat a little of everything anyway.

Kiba kept complaining that the ramen wouldn't keep well if we didn't eat it fast, and I was a little surprised to hear such for-thought from the boy. Naruto kept complaining that the steak was too boring to eat all by itself. I think they are both correct, but right now even miso soup tastes like sand. That makes me… very sad.

But every time I tried to set down my chopsticks Shikamaru or Choji would put something else on my plate. It was beginning to get frustrating.

"You're quite pale, Takara," Choji said softly, "have you been eating well?"

I know it's coming from a place of concern but I could feel a tightness in my chest. "I eat a bit here and there. Kiba and I even had a meal together just today."

Kiba looked up at the mention of his name but then immediately avoided eye contact. Hmm maybe I didn't eat as much as I thought.

"I was gonna try to put some blush on for the funeral- I know I'm pale- but I couldn't figure it out," I muttered, a little embarrassed. This feels especially hard to talk about with boys for some reason. Choji and Shikamaru nodded at each other but didn't make another comment on the matter.

"I can't believe Takara has become a Chūnin," Choji said, breaking the silence. "Seeing you in the vest was a surprise."

"I know!" Kiba exclaimed, pointing a finger at me. "After all that happened that d-" he jerked and squinted his eyes as if in pain. I looked at Shikamaru but he was placidly placing a lid on top of the ramen bowl.

"What I mean is," Kiba said slowly, "Clearly you earned it but I thought the attack…" he trailed off and looked nervous. I noticed the other guys staring holes into him. "... would mean everyone had to retry."

I shook my head, "Apparently not and at least one other person is getting a vest because the Hokage mentioned a ceremony."

"I'm not surprised Takara got the promotion, she has always been waaaay too troublesome about working hard," Shikamaru groaned.

The corners of my mouth lifted at that.

Naruto frowned, "I knew she would be fast, she's always been at the top of our class. But…"

"But you're stronger than me. And I fell from the top after we introduced chakra," I filled in, almost unintentionally. A dead silence struck the group and Naruto's eyes got big.

"No!" He replied quickly, "And that's not even true! Physically you're stronger than all of us!"

My eyes flickered to everyone at the table, they all seemed uncomfortable with my sudden proclamation. I guess saying the almost birthday girl is weak is probably against common courtesy, even if I'm the one saying it.

"I meant that even though you're strong and smart I kind of thought you would learn the two katana style before you became a Chūnin. So it feels fast." He was over explaining himself looking quite embarrassed.

Two katanas? Me wielding Yin and Yang?

My eyes felt like they were unfocusing as my brain connected that I would never be taught how to wield my family's katanas. I didn't say anything in response to Naruto, instead I looked down to my messy plate and tried to focus on that so the static in my head would quiet down.

This was certainly the most awkward meal we have ever had, but at the end I was given some gifts. Small trinkets mostly; hair bands, candies, a book. And Naruto got me a little wallet in the shape of a bear.

I thanked all of them, and tried to genuinely look happy. I told them I loved them and how their thoughts made me feel better. Normally we would hang out all night long but after one too many silences I was able to convince them to leave.

That night I laid in bed, my head and chest aching.

Why? Why did this have to happen to me? Haven't I suffered enough? What do I have to do to wake up from this nightmare? I would do anything.

The next morning I sat in a squeaky, uncomfortable chair in front of the CWO committee to decide Usa and my fate.

There were four adults sitting in front of me, one of them being Itoh-san, and stacks of papers spread out before them.

"Gushikan-san, over the past two days we have received well over 50 letters of recommendation that you keep custody of your brother. Some letters were only a sentence long but some were full of details that exemplify you as a loving sister. Not to mention some letters were from people very high up in the village." An older woman said, motioning to all the papers spread about.

I allow myself a tired grin at that.

"As for your financial and living situation, we can see you are extremely stable and won't be needing support in that way." One man explained, filing through my bank statement, looking satisfied.

"That means our only true concern is you," Itoh-san said, hands folded on the table in front of her. "You too are a child."

I opened my mouth to argue but immediately got the vibe maybe now's not the time.

"Your clan does have some questionable teaching methods, being who you are, but after discussing with you and the doctor we are no longer concerned Gushikan-chan will go through anything too rigorous for his body," Itoh-san continued. "But you are only 12… my apologies, 13. Happy birthday, Gushikan-san." She corrected, but none of the other members looked surprised by her words.

"In short," an elderly man butted in, "we are concerned you may fall into an unwell state to deal with all of this trauma. You've already lost your mom, and now you must deal with your fathers loss while maintaining a job."

This time I couldn't hold back the words, "I'm a Gushikan, I'll be fine. We are great at separating our emotions."

"Exactly," Itoh-san cut back in, "you haven't actually mourned yet."

I felt ashamed as I looked away, "I have cried… and screamed… and I have felt peace."

Itoh-san slowly shook her head, "I believe you, but grief is odd and scary. You may go through extreme highs and lows for… months- years even. Especially since you are the head in your family."

'It couldn't possibly get worse,' I thought dully to myself.

"Gushikan-san, we will give you guardianship of your brother. You will be checked on every week for the first six months and then it will go down to once a month until you become 16. We will not require a job transfer, especially due to your recent promotion and the information about your invaluable skills we have received." The older woman explained to me in a fast curt tone.

Itoh-san gave me an encouraging and kind smile, "And I will be the case worker assigned to you and your brother. I will come by on Thursday nights and I may do surprise pop ins from time to time."

I felt so happy that I didn't know what to do with myself. I quickly got up and shook everyone's hands, thanking them. It was the only thing I could manage.

When Usagi was brought into the room with his little backpack and bear, we hugged for what felt like forever. He cried incomprehensibly for quite some time but eventually I was able to get the two of us out of there. I finally had my brother back, it was the longest 2 days of my life.

True to my word we immediately went to a bakery and picked out the biggest sugary cake possible before going home.

I piled a bunch of candles on the cake and we blew them out together. Usagi was giving me a huge smile and held onto his bear the whole time. We ate until we felt a little sick and he opened his presents that I had bought weeks previously; toys and a couple plants for us to grow in the backyard.

I think I succeeded since he was beaming. It was good to see him smile so genuinely after so much pain.

Now planning the memorial took a bit of time but it's a pretty simple endeavor. We just have to show up to the KIA stone, meet all the well wishers, maybe give a speech/give others the ability to talk, and then go home after having his name engraved professionally. It's very different from our own family's carving ceremony. I just had to make sure there were chairs, an engraver readied, and invitations sent out. And as previously stated- no civilians.

A couple hours before the ceremony I dressed Usagi in a black dress shirt and pants. For a toddler it was good enough.

As for me- well I hadn't been planning on my fathers death so soon, and I hadn't had time to go dress shopping.

I threw my clothes around for a bit and was beginning to sweat. I really don't have anything I would consider appropriate. My black training clothes are a no no this time.

I was beginning to panic but a knock on the door forced me to chill out. To my surprise it was Ino, wearing a plain black dress and holding a small case. She gave me an awkward smile.

"Make-up delivery…" she said and then almost instantly seemed to regret. "Sorry! That sounded too light hearted. Shika and Cho told me you were concerned about looking pale during the ceremony and they wanted me to bring you some blush, so I brought it all. My foundation won't match you, and you're probably not looking to experiment with eye shadow today, but you might like some blush and lip gloss- not that I'm trying to tell you what to do on your Dad's memorial, I just know you sometimes need help with this sort of-"

"Ino," I said, cutting her off. She flushed and gave me an apologetic look. "Thank you, please come in."

I brought her into the kitchen and we sat down at the table. She emptied her box and held some dishes of pink up to my face for a bit. Her face was full of intensity as she did so.

"You don't have any color in your cheeks right now, blush was a good idea so you don't look sick," She muttered before picking a color and then grabbing a brush from her kit. Before she started applying it she paused, "Wait, you should get dressed first- that way you won't have to worry about smearing makeup on your collar."

I grimaced, "Well…"

After I explained, Ino looked horrified. She stared at me, running through my words for at least a couple seconds before looking me up and down, nodding to herself, and then requesting I bring her my biggest pair of training clothes. She had the audacity to roll her eyes at my confused look.

"We're trading clothes. You can take my dress, it'll be only a hair bigger on you, and I'll wear your clothes back to my home and find something else acceptable for me to wear. I might be one of the later arrivals but I think you'll forgive me." Her tone was snarky but well meaning.

"Well you're more like three inches taller than me-" I stopped and ran to grab her clothes before Ino looked any more annoyed.

My clothes are a little short for her, but the material is stretchy so it won't be too uncomfortable. Her dress is a tad long on me, but thankfully it isn't obvious since it ends at my shins.

Once we were both dressed, she dabbed my face and then gave me the tiniest hint of lip gloss, before helping me put on my veil. You can still see my face through the veil, I'm pretty sure it's more metaphorical than practical, but I can't really ask Dad that question now.

I gave Ino a hug and thanked her from the bottom of my heart, she really saved me. She brushed it off and ran to go fix her own outfit, but it was time. Usagi and I headed to the KIA stone.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting much. The official Stone Carver was on time, the chairs were set up, and Usagi and I were ready. I really thought we would probably have a similar amount of visitors as we had at my father's funeral. My team, maybe my friends, the Hokage, and maybe one or two adults.

After all, Dad worked in the Anbu, and so all of his relationships were fairly secretive. I mean on the surface he was a Jōnin, and he did work with other ninjas, but most of the time he was working on the shadowy side. And revealing that you might be working on the shadowy side is dangerous, so I would understand if no one came. Although the older I've gotten the more I've seen the Anbu as more of an open secret. There's not a lot of outrageously tall men in Konoha like my Dad, so I'm sure most can put the pieces together.

But the moment the memorial was set to begin, a line of people as far as I could see arrived. All of them are ninjas too, no civilians to worry about. Clearly my mom's memorial traumatized me.

One by one they came up to me and Usagi, bowed, gave me their condolences, and made their way to a seat looking sullen.

Most of the people I did not know, but a few I recognized in our brief encounters. Father would hold a dinner once a year for those brave enough to venture to our home. I even saw Mitsuko-san; he was very apologetic for what happened.

Of course, all of my friends were there, most bringing their families too. Sakura came and gave Usagi a tearful hug. Even the people I only met briefly during the exams came. Lee and his team were there- even Neji who did not make eye contact with me.

My team came together, and Naruto was a soggy mess – I guess memorials do something for him. Ino showed up towards the end, wearing a very nice dress that I made sure to comment on. There were so many people we ran out of chairs and some folks had to stand.

I don't think Usagi or I knew what to think about the whole situation. Even the Hokage came, as he promised, and sat at the front. It would be hard to estimate since there were surely some ninja hiding out of sight, but it felt like most of the ninja in the village were there.

All for Dad. These were the people he was protecting.

During the speaking part there were a surprising number of ninja willing to get up to say kind things about Dad. Like how he jumped in front of a blade for them. Or scolded them for being dumb. Or bragged about his children. How he was a man full of honor and pride for his village, name, and person.

Many said he was a great loss for our village, one that would be impossible to fill. And some just praised the Gushikan name in general. That our family was loyal, strong, and kind despite the prickly demeanor. I had never heard such kind things said in regards to father or our family. I hope he knew how all these people felt.

Finally it was my turn. I stood up and Usagi reached for me instantly. I gave him a muted smile and lifted him up. We made our way to the podium together, with Usagi clinging to his bear that we had tied Dad's bands to.

"I would like to thank you all for coming and paying respects to our Father. Hearing your stories has brought both me and my brother a lot of happiness in this difficult time. I'm not sure how much I can say about Father that wasn't already said." I looked around the large group full of unwavering eyes.

Anko and Ibiki were standing towards the back with what I recognized to be a lot of T&I ninja. Gai Sensei was standing in the middle with his team, sobbing quietly. A tree rustled to my left and I knew it was a ninja who just didn't want to be seen during this ceremony. In a way it was beautiful.

I closed my eyes and let myself smile the tiniest bit, "My Father wanted nothing more than to protect this village. And by that I don't just mean the Hokage, but every ninja and civilian." I opened my eyes again and found Naruto in the crowd. "When I was young… and by that I mean five days ago," there were a few chuckles at my joke, "I would say my Father was the strongest man in the entire village aside from the Hokage himself- and I believed it with my entire heart and soul."

I looked at the Hokage, he was watching me with his sharp eyes. I really cannot tell if he's a good person or not.

"I suppose that may have been the wishful thinking of a child." I could say so much more. Like how pissed I am that he died. How he sacrificed himself… and how unfair that is. But being bitter up here, with all these people my father wanted to live… "His ninja way was to protect everyone." I gave a larger smile to the crowd, "So thank you all for making my Father the man he was."

Today I have learned that I am not my father. I never want Usagi to be forced to make a speech like this.

It's a little awkward to bow while holding a toddler, but I did my best. Before I could walk us back to our seats Usagi waved to the crowd and pointed up, "Daddies up there! Watching!" He said in a matter of fact voice. Some people smiled at his words and others grimaced.

The actual carving was quick, and once completed signified the end. As people dispersed I had to talk to some who wanted to apologize one more time. It was very taxing but it turned out to not be the worst. No one mentioned it was our birthday but it was probably for the better- it's kind of awkward.

The moment my back hit my bed, after days of dealing with CWO, planning my Father's memorial, ignoring Mom's death day, and suffering through the antics of people around me, it was like something snapped in my chest.

~~~ Like my body and mind finally caught up to one another and it left me drained in a way I'd never experienced. I laid there and stared at my ceiling, so desperately tired but unable to sleep. It felt like gravity increased by a million.

My brain was in a semi conscious state when I heard Usa open the door and speak to me. But I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep. His tiny hands grabbed for me but nothing could move me. I only curled into a ball and moved my focus to the wall.

I don't know how long he tried but eventually my room was quiet again. And yet I was still unable to rest. After more time I felt something cold and damp press into my palm before it went away. It was so quick, and then later I felt someone sit on my bed.

The voice was murky and faded to my ears but I could still recognize it as Naruto. He mentioned something about the team being there and Usagi is safe, but I just wanted to be left alone. Naruto would come in frequently to speak to me, but I don't know what about. I was focused on my wall and watching the light move around the room.

And then the blankets got ripped off me. It did surprise me enough to flick my eyes to the foot of my bed to see Sasuke. Why is he so upset?

He leapt on my bed and shoved food into my mouth with his bare hand. I choked instantly and was forced to sit up and swallow the sawdust. My eyes were bleary as he shoved another handful into my face and covered my mouth and nose, forcing me to swallow.

"Now if you're tired of being fed like a baby, then start eating your meals for real." He grumbled at me and angrily set a bowl of rice in my lap.

I stared at him for a moment before looking back at my inviting pillow, but in an instant he ripped my pillow off my bed and threw it clear out the room. I was now just sitting on an empty bed.

"EAT," He commanded and I obliged. I shoveled the food mechanically and after only a few minutes I had eaten the rather large serving. He walked to the side of the bed and opened my closet door to point in, "Get dressed and come downstairs. I'm tired of your shit."

Once again I did as I was told and even managed to strap my kunai pack to my leg like a functional ninja. When I got downstairs Kakashi, Naruto, and Sasuke were in the kitchen.

"We took Usagi to school… Well, we have been taking him to school for the past three days." Naruto explained, giving me nervous looks and very quietly taking small steps toward me.

"Okay, thank you," I responded back automatically, and then wavered in the doorway. No one said anything, my team seemingly unsure what to do now that I was actually out of my room.

Sasuke grunted with annoyance, "Come on, let's go," he said to me and gestured for me to follow. I drifted after him in a tired non-committal way, like I might turn and leave at any moment. Kakashi and Naruto were not far behind us watching my meandering movements.

The walk to the training ground was extremely short and when Naruto realized where we were going he started to raise hell. "She's depressed! Do you think punching her is going to help?" He yelled and made a grab at Sasuke's collar but the boy sidestepped him.

"When my family died, she let me sulk for a few days before punching me in the face," he said calmly, as though it were the most rational explanation.

Kakashi was eyeing me wearily, "Well, we all know her father didn't baby her."

I scoffed at that sentiment but didn't make any further comment.

Once we were in the field I felt exhausted. Like my soul was leaking out of me at a slow but steady pace, but Sasuke's comment spurred something in me. "It was well over two weeks," I replied, causing the group to pause. I guess I've been quiet.

Sasuke frowned, "I remember it happening extremely fast, and it was right before the memorial."

I shook my head, "You kept delaying the memorial, and you went on 'sulking' for two weeks before we fought."

Sasuke quieted down a bit, seemingly thinking hard about the timeline.

"I regret it," I spoke aloud, causing Sasuke's eyebrows to shoot up in surprise. "I was a really dumb kid, and I shouldn't have fought you like that. Insulting you all the time… I'm sorry."

He looked like he wanted to retort but instead he just looked sad. "It's okay… You love your brother right? You want to protect him?" Sasuke finally asked.

Nodding, I replied, "I do, it's just… I'm so tired right now. I need to rest."

Sasuke nodded back at me, "I understand, but you're wasting away. You hardly eat or move. Your brother is extremely scared you're dying."

"Maybe we should get help," Kakashi offered, "You seem to like Itoh-san."

"Kakashi, are you dumb!" Naruto exploded, "If she tells the case worker she's depressed they might take Usagi!"

"But she can't care for Usagi like this." Kakashi explained gently, "Who knows what would've happened if that bear hadn't gone looking for you."

"Oh," I muttered, "So that was Yamane." I thought back to the wet cold thing that pressed to my palm, his nose I guess.

Naruto nodded, "Yea he said you should talk to Yama… yamaaaaaa…" he frowned, "some yama."

"Yamashiro?" I offered.

"No," he said and shook his head. "Yama… kage? Maybe?"

"Oh yea, Yamashiro had also told me to summon Yamakage." I shrugged, "I don't know who that is."

"Why don't you try? There's certainly a reason you keep getting told to," Kakashi offered.

I let out a soft sigh, "If I do, will you let me rest?"

Sasuke nodded, "Yea but only for a bit longer."

I frowned but took it as the only option they would give me. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the name before summoning with as much chakra as possible. I imagined Yamakage might be big, certainly bigger than Yamashiro and I would say he's much bigger than a normal bear. But Yamashiro is not outrageously big, just really slightly bigger than average. So surely Yamakage is big but not too much larger than his son.

Boy was I wrong.

For the first time in days I felt my first true emotion, amazement.

A bear about half the size of the toad and sand monster appeared. That being said, he is still bigger than any house I have seen. He is gray both in color and clearly in aging, with a white snout and long hairs poking from his ears. But his eyes are dark and sharp, with clear intelligence with every quick glance he does.

He looked around at his surroundings for a moment, flattening some trees, before laying down with a large thump. I took a few steps closer so I was right in front of his large head, "Yamakage-san?" I asked carefully.

The bear's sharp deep… red eyes upon closer inspection… found me before squinting a bit, "Whose summoned me? What could you possibly want with a retired bear?" His voice was deeper than any bear I had heard so far. It was so low that it rumbled in my body, and it was almost uncomfortable.

"My name is Takara Gushikan, daughter of Tenchi Gushikan."

The bear let out a chuff, "Tenchi? That brat?"

I stared at the bear and felt the people around me go tense at the comment, but… I chuckled, "Yea, that brat was my Dad."

The bear chuffed again, "What a bother, another Gushikan down the drain?"

Sensing Naruto move, probably to argue, I answered quickly, "Yup, we are in short supply."

The bear let out something similar to a human laugh, "When your father was young he was always too serious. He wouldn't speak unless spoken to and was sooo moody."

I cracked a smile at the imagery, a pouty boy with curly brown hair who was ignoring people so he wouldn't be forced to speak.

"Eh but he was a kind soul, I'm sorry to hear he's passed. That's probably what the uproar on the mountain has been, but I'm too old to pay attention these days." He closed his eyes like he wanted to take a nap, but I doubt he's as uncaring and senile as I think he's trying to make himself out to be.

"I've had two other bears say I should talk to you," I said, trying to sound casual as I set a hand on my hip.

He reopened his eyes, "Why?"

Shrugging I said, "I don't know?"

He seemed to roll his eyes, "Let me think… why would my grandchildren…" he snorted, "Well are you raising a new brat? You seem too young."

I raised my eyebrows, "Well he's not really a brat… but yes my younger brother."

He chuffed, "Mm so you're dealing with the death of a close relative, while raising their small child, but also being a… what are you?"

"A… girl? I'm 13 years old-" I started, but he cut me off.

"No no, your job rank. I'm not so old I can't see you're a girl."

I chuckle again and apologize, " I'm a Chūnin."

"Chūnin? Well if you had been born 40 years ago you would be a Jōnin by your age. Though to be fair they threw out titles left and right before sending children to die." The old bear seemed to eye Kakashi, "How old are you?"

He coughed, "27."

"Fine then, 27 years ago. Your sensei smells deeply of death and regret, one only a child soldier could have." He noted, and Kakashi looked a little startled and uncomfortable by the comment. "I imagine you were told we should meet because I was Takeshi's partner. And you and Takeshi… seem to be two sides…" he trailed off, not finishing the saying.

I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad to be compared to that crotchety man. "I was also recommended because I am depressed… I suppose," I felt weird saying it out loud.

"Oh yea you are. You're drenched in it right now… You smell like stagnant lake water."

My mouth dropped open and I looked frantically to my team, "I smell like ALGAE?"

They wildly shook their heads.

"Calm down, that's only what the emotion smells like on you. Emotions smell different for everyone, but I know enough to inferrer what a smell means. While your depression smells like stagnation, I've smelt depressions that resembled burning leather, oily blood, and even decaying roses. Only a bear could sense it." He grumbled and called me dramatic.

He let out a long breath and closed his eyes, "When your grandfather was born, your great grandma hemorrhaged on the table and died. It was during the first ninja war and there was a lack of med ninja and regular doctors in the village. Takeshi managed to get a job protecting the village to stay with his wife, excited for his child, but it was all for not. He loved his wife more than his child and was unable to be a father because he was too busy being a grieving widower." He chuffed in a way that sounded sad but also like, whatever it was years ago. "The scent of his depression was so strong it traversed to me through our shared chakra. So I knew of his loss the moment it happened."

The bear twitches its ears, and adjusts a paw as he is trying to get comfortable. "He was so consumed by regret and depression he neglected his son. He down right hated his son, not necessarily for his wife's death but because he ruined his grief. It was sad to see how it changed him as a man. And because of it, it's no wonder Tekeshi grew up damaged. That poor boy…" His brow came over his eyes like he was holding in a grimace at the memory.

I was silent, mulling over the story, and I felt Naruto set a hand on my shoulder.

"… so what you're saying is… if I don't work past my depression I could end up neglecting Usagi to the point of his own ruin?" My mouth downturned and my stomach ached.

"It's not so simple, depression is depression. It's not curable, and it can come and go in large and small waves as it pleases." He explained in his low voice, causing me to flinch.

"But! But ninja's deal with death all the time! I watched my Mom die and I was fine after a while! So I did cure it then! I just need time to heal from this, then I'll be okay again," I said panicking, quickly over-reasoning the situation.

"Was your depression gone, or was it substituted? Did you find the willpower to drive her death from your mind because you found something you deemed more important?"

My mouth dropped open and I just stared at the motionless bear, eyes frozen as I considered his words.

"I… had to take care of Usagi... And Dad. And of course I felt sad from time to time, but it wasn't like this, I wasn't incapacitated."

"I suppose you weren't, but did you blame yourself for her death?"

It felt like everyone's eyes landed on me. I have been very explicit about how my mothers death was purely my fault, even after Dad tried to convince me otherwise.

"That is a symptom of depression. Depression comes in many forms, and just because you weren't bed bound does not mean you didn't have depression."

"Then what do I do? I can't stay like this- I can't hurt Usagi more," the pain in my stomach turned into a knot that traveled up my throat. I could feel my face flush in a mix of emotions that could only be described by me as… fear. An emotion that I am starting to get more accustomed to despite being told my family should be immune.

He finally opened his eyes again, but looked past me, "Well it looks like you've started. You need to rely on people, and take time to understand what happened and why it isn't your fault. Remember the people you love, dead and alive, and learn how to feel good again. Think of what you want to see in the future. You may want to ignore the past but you can't change what molded you."

That was a lot to absorb. I ran my hands through my oily hair and cringed at the feeling. "Is that really enough to get better?"

He somewhat shook his huge head, "No, not always. Improving your physical health, spending time with loved ones, and dreaming for the future may help you. But it may also just be your brain. A chemical imbalance you cannot control and if that's the case you must talk to a doctor… but since this is a reaction to death, I think taking the time to adjust to this new reality may be what you need." He eyed my sloppy demeanor, "and by that I mean adjust to it while still making an effort to do things, not laying in bed. As good as it may feel."

I frown, "It didn't feel that good. But I've been so…"

"Apathetic. That's normal given your situation, but you need to push past it. Even if it's only little things at first- like feeding yourself and brother, or brushing your teeth." He crinkled his nose, causing me to smile a little.

"You remind me of Takeshi, but not after he lost his wife. After he lost his son, and through that really started to pay attention to life again. He fought tooth and nail for your father. And you look like a fighter too."

"Losing Usagi for those two days was Hell… I'll never let him or I go through that again," I responded firmly.

The bear almost seemed to smile, "Now that was almost word for word something Takeshi said to me once too. He would've gotten a kick out of you."

'Don't I know it,' I thought with a true grin now spreading across my face. "Thank you Yamakage-san, you've been incredibly helpful- I feel a lot better."

"You're still depressed," He responded back firmly, "but I'm glad my words were of comfort. With time I'm sure you will get back to feeling…" he trailed off for a second, "Okay," he ended.

I nodded, accepting I wasn't healed just like that. It would be hard work.

He sat up slowly, his bones popping a bit before he was at his full height. He looked down at me and said, in his low voice, "By the way, Usagi is a girl's name."

We just stared at each other before I pointed at him, "HEY! Technically it's unisex!"

He rolled his eyes, "I don't know who told you that but they were yanking your chain."

I was about to argue with him again but he poofed into a huge amount of smoke, filling the training field for a minute and allowing me time to seethe without my team seeing.

"Usagi is definitely also a boys name," I grunted into the smoke.

There was a long silence before Naurto said, "Uh- yea! It is!"

"Sure, it's a fine name," Sasuke adds.

"Well, I've never met a boy named Usa-" Kakashi started but I heard a loud thudding sound cutting him off.

As the smoke cleared Kakashi was nursing a bruise on his cheek, "It's a great name Takara," he said. "Super masculine."

We all stared at him for a moment before breaking into laughter. It felt good to laugh.

I'm hungry. ~~~

Two weeks have gone by since my conversation with Yamakage. And just as he said, I am still depressed, but I am doing my best to cope with it.

I make sure Usagi and I eat good meals, and that we are clean. Usagi going to school helped, so I can either relax some days or try to be productive others. I like cleaning so sometimes I organize the house or a friend will take me out. And some days it's hard to do anything but keep Usagi and I alive. But I do.

Usagi has developed a cough since Dad's death, and his medicine hasn't been as effective as in the past. I'm a little concerned he may be growing an immunity to it, so we will have to go to the doctor soon.

Strangely Conscience hasn't said anything in a long time. I heard it muttering one day about everything changing again, but that was it. Not that I'm searching it out- it's troublesome and seems to bring nothing but bad news.

To everyone's shock and delight, Naruto and Shikamaru were promoted to Chūnin. Well I wasn't thaaaat surprised but it was nice to see them get the recognition they deserve. I didn't stand with them during the ceremony but I sat right at the front with my brother cheering them on. Actually the promotion was on Naruto's birthday so we were able to leave the ceremony and go straight to a party at Ichiraku with all our friends. It was a really great night in a sea of monotony.

And now on this day I dropped Usagi off at school and made my way back up to my room. I was having another slow day.

I opened my door and paused at the sight of a box sitting on the foot of my made bed. Extra odd since I didn't make my bed before I left.

My hair was standing on end as I glanced around the room cautiously, and made my way to the box. I leaned down and took a deep sniff of it but didn't recognize the scent. I was about to kick it out my open window, in case there's a bomb in it, when I noticed a mark on the front of the box.

A very familiar mark. One I had seen tattooed on both of my parents.

I gently took the lid off and frowned when I saw the item inside.

A bear mask.

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me."

Author's Notes:

I realize that in other chapters I haven't been this detailed and careful about depression scenes but-

1. I was 16 when a lot of them were written so I didn't know a whole lot.

2. I figured that for such a long scene it could be more uncomfortable compared to a short mention if someone is struggling. If it makes even one person a bit more comfortable then I think it's worth it.

TLDR for the depression scene:

Takara was cared for by her team in her moment of need. Takara apologizes to Sasuke for how she treated him after his family's death. She summoned Yamakage to discuss her feelings around the most recent events and what could happen if she doesn't make an effort to get better. He gives her advice based on his time with Takeshi. They acknowledge it will take a long time to heal. Takara feels better about her experience and what her future looks like. Yamakage says Usagi is a girl's name. Takara is pissed about that.

Once again, I'm not a doctor and nor do I know the best way to handle depression so please don't take any of this as fact or advice. In the USA a person can call or text 988 which is the National Institute of Mental Health to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

Next up is the Finding Tsunade Arc!

Thank you for reading, and have a great day,

~ToL