The three friends sprang into action. Hermione dashed up to her dormitory to grab a scarf, gloves, and one of the hats she had made for the elves. Harry and Ron rushed to their room to get their winter clothing, the Marauder's Map, and the Invisibility Cloak.
They crept through the portrait hole and covered themselves hastily with the Cloak. Having grown significantly, Ron needed to crouch to prevent his feet from showing. Moving slowly and cautiously, they proceeded down the many staircases, pausing at intervals to check the map for signs of Filch or Mrs Norris. Fortunately, they encountered nobody but Nearly Headless Nick, who was gliding along absent-mindedly humming something that sounded horribly like 'Weasley is our King'.
Once outside, they trudged through the silent, snowy grounds. Harry set off at a brisk pace, with Ron and Hermione jostling and bumping along behind him. Ron anchored his head in the crook of Hermione's shoulder and placed his hands on her waist to maintain his crouch. She was acutely aware of the closeness of his face to hers, feeling the faint scratchiness of his facial hair against her cheek and catching the scent of his spearmint gum. His hands were like hot coals on her waist, providing warmth as they continued their journey. The constant back and forth of Hermione's feelings towards Ron was utterly exhausting.
They crunched excitedly through the thickening snow until they reached the wooden front door of Hagrid's hut. Harry knocked three times, and a dog started barking frantically inside.
"Hagrid, it's us!" Harry called through the keyhole.
"Shoulda known!" a gruff voice replied.
They beamed at each other under the Cloak, sensing Hagrid's pleasure. "Bin home three seconds... out the way, Fang... out the way, yeh dozy dog…"
The bolt was drawn back, the door creaked open, and Hagrid's head appeared in the gap.
Hermione screamed.
"Merlin's beard, keep it down!" Hagrid hissed, staring wildly over their heads. "Under that Cloak, are yeh? Well, get in, get in!"
"I'm sorry!" Hermione gasped as the three of them squeezed past Hagrid into the hut and pulled the Cloak off themselves. "I just – oh, Hagrid!"
"It's nuthin', it's nuthin'!" Hagrid said hastily, shutting the door behind them and hurrying to close all the curtains. But Hermione continued to gaze at him in horror.
Hagrid's hair was matted with congealed blood, and his left eye had been reduced to a puffy slit amid a mass of purple and black bruising. Cuts covered his face and hands, some still bleeding, and he was moving gingerly, suggesting broken ribs. It was clear he had only just returned home; a thick black travelling cloak lay over the back of a chair, and a haversack large enough to carry several small children leaned against the wall. Hagrid, twice the size of a normal man, was now limping over to the fire and placing a copper kettle over it.
"What happened to you?" Harry demanded while Fang danced around them, trying to lick their faces.
"Told yeh, nuthin'," Hagrid said firmly. "Want a cuppa?"
"Come off it," said Ron. "You're in a right state!"
"I'm tellin' yeh, I'm fine," Hagrid insisted, straightening up and turning to beam at them all, though he winced. "Blimey, it's good ter see yeh three again – had good summers, did yeh?"
"Hagrid, you've been attacked!" said Ron.
"For the las' time, it's nuthin'!" Hagrid said firmly.
"Would you say it was nothing if one of us turned up with a pound of mince instead of a face?" Ron demanded.
"You ought to go and see Madam Pomfrey, Hagrid," Hermione said anxiously. "Some of those cuts look nasty."
"I'm dealin' with it, all righ'?" Hagrid said repressively.
He walked to the enormous wooden table in the middle of his cabin and twitched aside a tea towel lying on it. Underneath was a raw, bloody, green-tinged steak slightly larger than the average car tyre.
"You're not going to eat that, are you, Hagrid?" said Ron, leaning in for a closer look. "It looks poisonous."
"It's s'posed ter look like that; it's dragon meat," Hagrid said. "An' I didn' get it ter eat."
He picked up the steak and slapped it over the left side of his face. Greenish blood trickled down into his beard as he gave a soft moan of satisfaction.
"Tha's better. It helps with the stingin', yeh know."
"So, are you going to tell us what's happened to you?" Harry asked.
"Can't, Harry. Top secret. More'n me job's worth ter tell yeh that."
"Did the giants beat you up, Hagrid?" Hermione asked quietly.
Hagrid's fingers slipped on the dragon steak, and it slid squelchily onto his chest.
"Giants?" Hagrid said, catching the steak before it reached his belt and slapping it back over his face. "Who said anythin' abou' giants? Who yeh bin talkin' to? Who's told yeh what I've – who's said I've bin – eh?"
"We guessed," said Hermione apologetically.
"Oh, yeh did, did yeh?" Hagrid said, fixing her with a stern glare from his one visible eye.
"It was kind of... obvious," said Ron. Harry nodded.
Hagrid glared at them, then snorted, threw the steak back onto the table, and strode over to the kettle, now whistling.
"Never known kids like you three fer knowin' more'n yeh oughta," he muttered, splashing boiling water into three bucket-shaped mugs. "An' I'm not complimentin' yeh, neither. Nosy, some'd call it. Interferin'."
But his beard twitched with a hint of amusement.
"So you have been to look for giants?" Harry asked, grinning as he sat down at the table.
Hagrid set tea in front of each of them, sat down, picked up his steak again, and slapped it back over his face.
"Yeah, all righ'," he grunted. "I have."
"And you found them?" Hermione asked in a hushed voice.
"Well, they're not that difficult ter find, ter be honest," said Hagrid. "Pretty big, see."
"Where are they?" Ron asked.
"Mountains," said Hagrid unhelpfully.
"So why don't Muggles –?"
"They do," Hagrid said darkly. "Only their deaths are always put down ter mountaineerin' accidents, aren't they?"
He adjusted the steak to cover the worst of the bruising.
"Come on, Hagrid, tell us what you've been up to!" Ron urged. "Tell us about being attacked by the giants, and Harry can tell you about being attacked by the Dementors –"
Hagrid choked on his tea and dropped the steak simultaneously; a large quantity of spit, tea, and dragon blood sprayed over the table as he coughed and spluttered, the steak sliding with a soft splat onto the floor.
"Whadda yeh mean, attacked by Dementors?" growled Hagrid.
"Didn't you know?" Hermione asked, wide-eyed.
"I don' know anythin' that's bin happenin' since I left. I was on a secret mission, wasn't I? Didn' want owls followin' me all over the place – ruddy Dementors! Yeh're not serious?"
"Yeah, I am. They turned up in Little Whinging and attacked my cousin and me. Then the Ministry of Magic expelled me –"
"WHAT?"
"– and I had to go to a hearing and everything, but tell us about the giants first."
"You were expelled?"
"Tell us about your summer, and I'll tell you about mine."
Hagrid glared at Harry through his one open eye. Harry looked right back, his expression determined and unyielding.
"Oh, all righ'," Hagrid said in a resigned voice.
He bent down and tugged the dragon steak out of Fang's mouth.
"Oh, Hagrid, don't, it's not hygien—" Hermione began, but Hagrid had already slapped the meat back over his swollen eye. She had to look away and take a deep breath to avoid being sick.
He took another fortifying gulp of tea, then said, "Well, we set off right after term ended –"
"Madame Maxime went with you, then?" Hermione interjected.
"Yeah, that's right," Hagrid said, and a softened expression appeared on the few inches of his face that weren't obscured by beard or green steak. "Yeah, it was just the pair of us. An' I'll tell yeh this, she's not afraid of roughin' it, Olympe. Yeh know, she's a fine, well-dressed woman, an' knowin' where we was goin' I wondered 'ow she'd feel abou' clamberin' over boulders an' sleepin' in caves an' that, but she never complained once."
"You knew where you were going?" Harry asked. "You knew where the giants were?"
"Well, Dumbledore knew, an' he told us," Hagrid said.
"Are they hidden?" Ron asked. "Is it a secret, where they are?"
"Not really," Hagrid said, shaking his shaggy head. "It's just that most wizards aren't bothered where they are, as long as it's a good long way away. But where they are's very difficult to get to, for humans anyway, so we needed Dumbledore's instructions. Took us about a month to get there –"
"A month?" Ron said, as though he had never heard of a journey lasting such a ridiculously long time. "But – why couldn't you just grab a Portkey or something?"
There was an odd expression in Hagrid's unobscured eye as he squinted at Ron; it was almost pitying.
"We're bein' watched, Ron," he said gruffly.
"What d'you mean?"
"Yeh don' understand," Hagrid said. "The Ministry's keepin' an eye on Dumbledore an' anyone they reckon's in league with 'im, an' –"
"We know about that," Harry said quickly. "We know about the Ministry watching Dumbledore –"
"So you couldn't use magic to get there?" Ron asked, looking thunderstruck. "You had to act like Muggles all the way?"
"Well, not exactly all the way," Hagrid said cagily. "We just had to be careful, 'cause Olympe an' me, we stick out a bit –"
Ron made a stifled noise somewhere between a snort and a sniff and hastily took a gulp of tea.
"– so we're not hard ter follow. We was pretendin' we was goin' on holiday together, so we got into France an' we made like we was headin' fer where Olympe's school is, 'cause we knew we was bein' tailed by someone from the Ministry. We had to go slow, 'cause I'm not really s'posed ter use magic an' we knew the Ministry'd be lookin' fer a reason ter run us in. But we managed ter give the berk tailin' us the slip round about Dee-John –"
"Ooooh, Dijon?" Hermione said excitedly. "I've been there on holiday, did you see –?"
She fell silent at the look on Ron's face.
"We chanced a bit o' magic after that, and it wasn't a bad journey. Ran into a couple o' mad trolls on the Polish border and had a slight disagreement with a vampire in a pub in Minsk, but apart from that, couldn't've been smoother.
"And then we reached the place and started trekking up through the mountains, looking for signs of them…
"We had to lay off the magic once we got near them. Partly because they don't like wizards and we didn't want to put their backs up too soon, and partly because Dumbledore had warned us You-Know-Who was bound to be after the giants as well. Said it was odds on he'd sent a messenger off to them already. Told us to be very careful about drawing attention to ourselves as we got nearer in case there were Death Eaters around."
Hagrid paused for a long draught of tea.
"Go on!" said Harry urgently.
"Found 'em," said Hagrid baldly. "Went over a ridge one night, and there they were, spread out underneath us. Little fires burning below and huge shadows ... it was like watching bits o' the mountain moving."
"How big are they?" asked Ron in a hushed voice.
"'Bout twenty feet," said Hagrid casually. "Some o' the bigger ones mighta been twenty-five."
"And how many were there?" asked Harry.
"I reckon about seventy or eighty," said Hagrid.
"Is that all?" said Hermione.
"Yep," said Hagrid sadly, "eighty left, and there were loads once, musta been a hundred different tribes from all over the world. But they've been dying out for ages. Wizards killed a few, of course, but mostly they killed each other, and now they're dying out faster than ever. They're not made to live bunched up together like that. Dumbledore says it's our fault, it was the wizards who forced them to go and made them live a good long way from us and they had no choice but to stick together for their own protection."
"So," said Harry, "you saw them and then what?"
"Well, we waited till morning, didn't want to go sneaking up on 'em in the dark, for our own safety," said Hagrid. "'Bout three in the morning they fell asleep just where they were sitting. We didn't dare sleep. For one thing, we wanted to make sure none of 'em woke up and came up where we were, and for another, the snoring was unbelievable. Caused an avalanche near morning.
"Anyway, once it was light we went down to see 'em."
"Just like that?" said Ron, looking awestruck. "You just walked right into a giant camp?"
"Well, Dumbledore'd told us how to do it," said Hagrid. "Give the Gurg gifts, show some respect, yeh know."
"Give the what gifts?" asked Harry.
"Oh, the Gurg – means the chief."
"How could you tell which one was the Gurg?" asked Ron.
Hagrid grunted in amusement.
"No problem," he said. "He was the biggest, the ugliest and the laziest. Sitting there waiting to be brought food by the others. Dead goats and such like. Name o' Karkus. I'd put him at twenty-two, twenty-three feet and the weight o' a couple o' bull elephants. Skin like rhino hide and all."
"And you just walked up to him?" said Hermione breathlessly.
"Well ... down to him, where he was lying in the valley. They were in this dip between four pretty high mountains, see, beside a mountain lake, and Karkus was lying by the lake roaring at the others to feed him and his wife. Olympe and I went down the mountainside –"
"But didn't they try and kill you when they saw you?" asked Ron incredulously.
"It was definitely on some o' their minds," said Hagrid, shrugging, "but we did what Dumbledore told us to do, which was to hold our gift up high and keep our eyes on the Gurg and ignore the others. So that's what we did. And the rest of 'em went quiet and watched us pass, and we got right up to Karkus's feet and we bowed and put our present down in front o' him."
"What do you give a giant?" asked Ron eagerly. "Food?"
"Nah, he can get food all right for himself," said Hagrid. "We took him magic. Giants like magic, just don't like us using it against 'em. Anyway, that first day we gave 'im a branch o' Gubraithian fire."
Hermione said, "Wow!" softly, but Harry and Ron both frowned in puzzlement.
"A branch of –?"
"Everlasting fire," said Hermione irritably. "You ought to know that by now. Professor Flitwick's mentioned it at least twice in class!"
"Well, anyway," said Hagrid quickly, intervening before Ron could answer back, "Dumbledore'd bewitched this branch to burn forevermore, which isn't something any wizard could do, and so I lay it down in the snow by Karkus's feet and said, 'A gift to the Gurg of the giants from Albus Dumbledore, who sends his respectful greetings.'"
"And what did Karkus say?" asked Harry eagerly.
"Nothin'," said Hagrid. "Didn't speak English."
"You're kidding!"
"Didn't matter," said Hagrid imperturbably, "Dumbledore had warned us that might happen. Karkus knew enough to yell for a couple o' giants who knew our lingo, and they translated for us."
"And did he like the present?" asked Ron.
"Oh yeah, it went down a storm once they understood what it was," said Hagrid, turning his dragon steak over to press the cooler side to his swollen eye. "Very pleased. So then I said, 'Albus Dumbledore asks the Gurg to speak with his messenger when he returns tomorrow with another gift.'"
"Why couldn't you speak to them that day?" asked Hermione.
"Dumbledore wanted us to take it very slow," said Hagrid. "Let 'em see we kept our promises. We'll come back tomorrow with another present, and then we do come back with another present – gives a good impression, see? And gives them time to test out the first present and find out it's a good one, and get 'em eager for more. In any case, giants like Karkus – overload 'em with information and they'll kill yeh just to simplify things. So we bowed outta the way and went off and found ourselves a nice little cave to spend that night in, and the following morning we went back and this time we found Karkus sittin' up waitin' for us, lookin' all eager."
"And you talked to him?"
"Oh yeah. First we presented him with a nice battle helmet – goblin-made and indestructible, yeh know – and then we sat down and we talked."
"What did he say?"
"Not much," said Hagrid. "Listened mostly. But there were good signs. He'd heard of Dumbledore, heard he'd argued against the killin' of the last giants in Britain. Karkus seemed to be quite interested in what Dumbledore had to say. And a few o' the others, especially the ones who had some English, they gathered round and listened too. We were hopeful when we left that day. Promised to come back next mornin' with another present. But that night it all went wrong."
"What d'you mean?" said Ron quickly.
"Well, like I say, they're not meant to live together, giants," said Hagrid sadly. "Not in big groups like that. They can't help themselves, they half kill each other every few weeks. The men fight each other and the women fight each other; the remnants of the old tribes fight each other, and that's even without squabbles over food and the best fires and sleepin' spots. Yeh'd think, seein' as how their whole race is about finished, they'd lay off each other, but…"
Hagrid sighed deeply.
"That night a fight broke out. We saw it from the mouth of our cave, lookin' down on the valley. Went on for hours, yeh wouldn't believe the noise. And when the sun came up the snow was scarlet, and his head was lying at the bottom o' the lake."
"Whose head?" gasped Hermione.
"Karkus's," said Hagrid heavily. "There was a new Gurg, Golgomath." He sighed deeply. "Well, we hadn't bargained on a new Gurg two days after we'd made friendly contact with the first one, and we had a funny feelin' Golgomath wouldn't be so keen to listen to us, but we had to try."
"You went to speak to him?" asked Ron incredulously. "After you'd watched him rip off another giant's head?"
"Course we did," said Hagrid, "we hadn't gone all that way to give up after two days! We went down with the next present we'd meant to give to Karkus. I knew it was no go before I'd opened me mouth. He was sitting there wearin' Karkus's helmet, leerin' at us as we got nearer. He's massive, one o' the biggest ones there. Black hair and matchin' teeth and a necklace o' bones. Human-lookin' bones, some of 'em. Well, I gave it a go – held out a great roll o' dragon skin – and said, 'A gift for the Gurg of the giants –' Next thing I knew, I was hangin' upside-down in the air by me feet, two of his mates had grabbed me."
Hermione clapped her hands to her mouth.
"How did you get out of that?" asked Harry.
"Wouldn't've done if Olympe hadn't been there," said Hagrid. "She pulled out her wand and did some o' the fastest spellwork I've ever seen. Ruddy marvellous. Hit the two holdin' me right in the eyes with Conjunctivitus Curses and they dropped me straightaway – but we were in trouble then, 'cause we'd used magic against 'em, and that's what giants hate about wizards. We had to leg it and we knew there was no way we was going to be able to march into the camp again."
"Blimey, Hagrid," said Ron quietly, eyes wide with awe and concern.
"So, how come it's taken you so long to get home if you were only there for three days?" asked Hermione, curiosity and worry etched on her face.
"We didn't leave after three days!" said Hagrid, looking outraged. "Dumbledore was relyin' on us!"
"But you've just said there was no way you could go back!" Hermione exclaimed, her brows furrowing in confusion.
"Not by daylight we couldn't, no. We just had ter rethink a bit. Spent a couple o' days lyin' low up in the cave an' watchin'. An' what we saw wasn't good."
"Did he rip off more heads?" asked Hermione, sounding squeamish.
"No," said Hagrid, his expression darkening, "I wish he had."
"What d'you mean?" Harry asked, leaning forward.
"I mean we soon found out he didn't object ter all wizards – just us."
"Death Eaters?" said Harry quickly, his voice low and urgent.
"Yep," said Hagrid darkly. "Couple of 'em were visitin' him ev'ry day, bringin' gifts ter the Gurg, an' he wasn't dangling them upside-down."
"How d'you know they were Death Eaters?" said Ron.
"Because I recognised one of 'em," Hagrid growled. "Macnair, remember him? Bloke they sent ter kill Buckbeak? Maniac, he is. Likes killin' as much as Golgomath; no wonder they were gettin' on so well."
"So Macnair's persuaded the giants to join You-Know-Who?" said Hermione desperately.
"Hold yer Hippogriffs, I haven't finished me story yet!" said Hagrid indignantly, who, considering he had not wanted to tell them anything in the first place, now seemed to be rather enjoying himself. Hermione felt a flutter of hope.
"Me an' Olympe talked it over an' we agreed, just 'cause the Gurg looked like favorin' You-Know-Who didn't mean all of 'em would. We had ter try an' persuade some o' the others, the ones who hadn't wanted Golgomath as Gurg."
"How could you tell which ones they were?" asked Ron.
"Well, they were the ones bein' beaten to a pulp, weren't they?" said Hagrid patiently. "The ones with any sense were keepin' outta Golgomath's way, hidin' out in caves round the gully just like we were. So we decided we'd go pokin' round the caves by night an' see if we couldn't persuade a few o' them."
"You went poking around dark caves looking for giants?" said Ron, with awed respect in his voice.
"Well, it wasn't the giants who worried us most," said Hagrid. "We were more concerned about the Death Eaters. Dumbledore had told us before we went not to tangle with 'em if we could avoid it, an' the trouble was they knew we was around – 'spect Golgomath told 'em about us. At night, when the giants were sleepin' an' we wanted ter be creepin' into the caves, Macnair an' the other one were sneakin' round the mountains lookin' fer us. I was hard put to stop Olympe jumpin' out at 'em," said Hagrid, the corners of his mouth lifting his wild beard, "she was rarin' ter attack 'em ... she's somethin' when she's roused, Olympe ... fiery, yeh know ... 'spect it's the French in her ..."
Hagrid gazed misty-eyed into the fire. Hermione thought it quite cute to see Hagrid fancy someone so much.
"So, what happened? Did you ever get near any of the other giants?" Harry pushed, breaking the moment.
"What? Oh ... oh, yeah, we did. Yeah, on the third night after Karkus was killed we crept outta the cave we'd bin hidin' in an' headed back down into the gully, keepin' our eyes skinned fer the Death Eaters. Got inside a few o' the caves, no go – then, in about the sixth one, we found three giants hidin'."
"Cave must've been cramped," said Ron.
"Wasn't room ter swing a Kneazle," said Hagrid.
"Didn't they attack you when they saw you?" asked Hermione, her voice full of concern.
"Probably would've done if they'd bin in any condition," said Hagrid, "but they were badly hurt, all three o' them; Golgomath's lot had beaten 'em unconscious; they'd woken up an' crawled into the nearest shelter they could find. Anyway, one o' them had a bit of English an' he translated fer the others, an' what we had ter say didn't seem to go down too badly. So we kept goin' back, visitin' the wounded ... I reckon we had about six or seven o' them convinced at one point."
"Six or seven?" said Ron eagerly. "Well that's not bad – are they going to come over here and start fighting You-Know-Who with us?"
But Hermione said, "What do you mean 'at one point,' Hagrid?"
Hagrid looked at her sadly.
"Golgomath's lot raided the caves. The ones that survived didn't want no more to do with us after that."
"So ... so there aren't any giants coming?" said Ron, looking disappointed.
"Nope," said Hagrid, heaving a deep sigh as he turned over his steak and applied the cooler side to his face, "but we did what we meant ter do, we gave 'em Dumbledore's message an' some o' them heard it an' I 'spect some o' them'll remember it. Just maybe, them that don't want ter stay around Golgomath'll move outta the mountains, an' there's gotta be a chance they'll remember Dumbledore's friendly to 'em ... could be they'll come."
They descended into a pensive silence. Snow was filling up the window now, casting a soft white glow into the room.
"Hagrid?" said Hermione quietly after a while.
"Mmm?" Hagrid grunted, not looking up.
"Did you ... was there any sign of ... did you hear anything about your ... your ... mother while you were there?" Hermione's voice trembled slightly, showing her genuine concern.
Hagrid's unobscured eye rested upon her and Hermione looked rather scared.
"I'm sorry ... I ... forget it –"
"Dead," Hagrid grunted. "Died years ago. They told me."
"Oh ... I'm ... I'm really sorry," said Hermione in a very small voice. Hagrid shrugged his massive shoulders.
"No need," he said shortly. "Can't remember her much. Wasn't a great mother."
They were silent again. Hermione glanced nervously at Harry and Ron, plainly wanting them to speak. She could tell Hagrid was upset regardless of how good of a mother she had been.
"But you still haven't explained how you got in this state, Hagrid," Ron said, gesturing towards Hagrid's bloodstained face.
"Or why you're back so late," said Harry. "Sirius says Madame Maxime got back ages ago –"
"Who attacked you?" said Ron.
"I haven't bin attacked!" said Hagrid emphatically. "I –"
But the rest of his words were drowned in a sudden outbreak of rapping on the door. Hermione gasped; her mug slipped through her fingers and smashed on the floor; Fang yelped. All four of them stared at the window beside the doorway. The shadow of somebody small and squat rippled across the thin curtain.
"It's her!" Ron whispered. Hermione's body went cold.
"Get under here!" Harry said quickly; seizing the Invisibility Cloak. He whirled it over himself and Hermione while Ron tore around the table and dived under the Cloak as well. Huddled together, they backed away into a corner. Fang was barking madly at the door. Hagrid looked thoroughly confused.
"Hagrid, hide our mugs!" Hermione hissed.
Hagrid shoved Harry and Ron's mugs under the cushion in Fang's basket. Fang was now leaping up at the door; Hagrid pushed him out of the way with his foot and pulled it open.
Professor Umbridge stood in the doorway, a vision of stern authority in her green tweed cloak and matching hat with earflaps. Lips pursed, she tilted her head back to see Hagrid's face, barely reaching his navel.
"So," she said slowly and loudly, as though addressing someone hard of hearing, "you're Hagrid, are you?" Without waiting for a response, she stepped inside, her bulging eyes rolling in every direction.
"Get away," she snapped, waving her handbag at Fang, who ran to her, trying to lick her face. Despite not having a fondness for Fang, Hermione wanted to slap her on the poor dog's behalf.
"Er – I don' want ter be rude," said Hagrid, staring at her in bewilderment, "but who the ruddy hell are you?"
"My name is Dolores Umbridge." Her eyes continued to sweep the cabin, lingering on every corner. Twice they stared directly into the corner where Hermione and the boys stood hidden.
"Dolores Umbridge?" Hagrid repeated, thoroughly confused. "I thought you were one o' them Ministry – don' you work with Fudge?"
"I was Senior Undersecretary to the Minister, yes," said Umbridge, now pacing around the cabin, taking in every tiny detail within, from the haversack against the wall to the abandoned travelling cloak. "I am now the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher –"
"Tha's brave of yeh," said Hagrid, "there's not many'd take tha' job any more."
"– and Hogwarts High Inquisitor," said Umbridge, giving no sign that she had heard him.
"Wha's that?" said Hagrid, frowning.
"Precisely what I was going to ask," said Umbridge, pointing at the broken shards of china on the floor that had been Hermione's mug.
"Oh," said Hagrid, with a most unhelpful glance towards the corner where Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood hidden, "oh, tha' was ... was Fang. He broke a mug. So I had ter use this one instead."
Hagrid pointed to the mug from which he had been drinking, one hand still clamped over the dragon steak pressed to his eye. Umbridge stood facing him now, taking in every detail of his appearance instead of the cabin's.
"I heard voices," she said quietly.
"I was talkin' ter Fang," said Hagrid stoutly.
"And was he talking back to you?"
"Well ... in a manner o' speakin'," said Hagrid, looking uncomfortable. "I sometimes say Fang's near enough human –"
"There are three sets of footprints in the snow leading from the castle doors to your cabin," said Umbridge sleekly.
Hermione gasped; Harry clapped a hand over her mouth. Luckily, Fang was sniffing loudly around the hem of Professor Umbridge's robes, but she did not appear to have heard.
"Well, I only jus' got back," said Hagrid, waving an enormous hand at the haversack. "Maybe someone came ter call earlier an' I missed 'em."
"There are no footsteps leading away from your cabin door."
"Well, I ... I don' know why that'd be …" said Hagrid, tugging nervously at his beard and again glancing towards the corner where Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood as though asking for help. Hermione tried to telepathically scream at him to stop staring at them.
Umbridge wheeled round and strode the length of the cabin, looking around carefully. She bent and peered under the bed. She opened Hagrid's cupboards. She passed within two inches of where Hermione, Ron, and Harry stood pressed against the wall; Hermione actually pulled in her stomach as she walked by. After looking carefully inside the enormous cauldron Hagrid used for cooking, she wheeled round again and said, "What has happened to you? How did you sustain those injuries?"
Hagrid hastily removed the dragon steak from his face, which, in Hermione's opinion, was a mistake because the black and purple bruising around his eye was now clearly visible, not to mention the large amount of fresh and congealed blood on his face.
"Oh, I ... had a bit of an accident," he said lamely.
"What sort of accident?"
"I – I tripped."
"You tripped," she repeated coolly.
"Yeah, tha's right. Over ... over a friend's broomstick. I don' fly, meself. Well, look at the size o' me, I don' reckon there's a broomstick that'd hold me. Friend o' mine breeds Abraxan horses, I dunno if you've ever seen 'em, big beasts, winged, yeh know, I've had a bit of a ride on one o' them an' it was –"
"Where have you been?" asked Umbridge, cutting coolly through Hagrid's babbling.
"Where've I –?"
"Been, yes," she said. "Term started two months ago. Another teacher has had to cover your classes. None of your colleagues has been able to give me any information as to your whereabouts. You left no address. Where have you been?"
There was a pause in which Hagrid stared at her with his newly uncovered eye. Hermione held her breath.
"I – I've been away for me health," he said.
"For your health," said Professor Umbridge. Her eyes traveled over Hagrid's discolored and swollen face; dragon blood dripped gently and silently onto his waistcoat. "I see."
"Yeah," said Hagrid, "bit o' – o' fresh air, yeh know –"
"Yes, as gamekeeper fresh air must be so difficult to come by," said Umbridge sweetly. The small patch of Hagrid's face that was not black or purple flushed.
"Well – change o' scene, yeh know –"
"Mountain scenery?" said Umbridge swiftly.
Hermione's heart dropped to her knees and was replaced with a cold ball of anxiety. She knew.
"Mountains?" Hagrid repeated, clearly thinking fast. "Nope, South o' France fer me. Bit o' sun an' ... an' sea."
"Really?" said Umbridge. "You don't have much of a tan."
"Yeah ... well ... sensitive skin," said Hagrid, attempting an ingratiating smile. Umbridge looked at him coldly; his smile faltered. Then she hoisted her handbag a little higher into the crook of her arm and said, "I shall, of course, be informing the Minister of your late return."
"Righ'," said Hagrid, nodding.
"You ought to know, too, that as High Inquisitor it is my unfortunate but necessary duty to inspect my fellow teachers. So I daresay we shall meet again soon enough."
She turned sharply and marched back to the door.
"You're inspectin' us?" Hagrid echoed blankly, looking after her.
"Oh, yes," said Umbridge softly, looking back at him with her hand on the door handle. "The Ministry is determined to weed out unsatisfactory teachers, Hagrid. Goodnight."
She left, closing the door behind her with a snap. Harry made to pull off the Invisibility Cloak but Hermione seized his wrist.
"Not yet," she breathed in his ear. "She might not be gone yet."
Hagrid seemed to be thinking the same way; he stumped across the room and pulled back the curtain an inch or so.
"She's goin' back ter the castle," he said in a low voice. "Blimey ... inspectin' people, is she?"
"Yeah," said Harry, pulling off the Cloak. "Trelawney's on probation already…"
"Um ... what sort of thing are you planning to do with us in class, Hagrid?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, don' you worry abou' that, I've got a great load o' lessons planned," said Hagrid enthusiastically, which did nothing but worry her. He scooped up his dragon steak from the table and slapped it over his eye again. "I've bin keepin' a couple o' creatures saved fer yer OWL year; you wait, they're somethin' really special."
"Erm ... special in what way?" asked Hermione tentatively.
"I'm not sayin'," said Hagrid happily. "I don' want ter spoil the surprise."
"Look, Hagrid," said Hermione urgently, dropping all pretense, "Professor Umbridge won't be at all happy if you bring anything to class that's too dangerous."
"Dangerous?" said Hagrid, looking genially bemused. "Don' be silly, I wouldn' give yeh anythin' dangerous! I mean, all righ', they can look after themselves –"
"Hagrid, you've got to pass Umbridge's inspection, and to do that it would really be better if she saw you teaching us how to look after Porlocks, how to tell the difference between Knarls and hedgehogs, stuff like that!" said Hermione earnestly.
"But tha's not very interestin', Hermione," said Hagrid. "The stuff I've got's much more impressive. I've bin bringin' 'em on fer years, I reckon I've got the on'y domestic herd in Britain."
"Hagrid ... please …" said Hermione, a note of real desperation in her voice. "Umbridge is looking for any excuse to get rid of teachers she thinks are too close to Dumbledore. Please, Hagrid, teach us something dull that's bound to come up in our OWL"
But Hagrid merely yawned widely and cast a one-eyed look of longing towards the vast bed in the corner.
"Lis'en, it's bin a long day an' it's late," he said, patting Hermione gently on the shoulder, so that her knees gave way and hit the floor with a thud. "Oh – sorry –" He pulled her back up by the neck of her robes. "Look, don' you go worryin' abou' me, I promise yeh I've got really good stuff planned fer yer lessons now I'm back ... now you lot had better get back up to the castle, an' don' forget ter wipe yer footprints out behind yeh!"
"I dunno if you got through to him," said Ron a short while later when, having checked that the coast was clear, they walked back up to the castle through the thickening snow, leaving no trace behind them due to the Obliteration Charm Hermione was performing as they went.
"Then I'll go back again tomorrow," said Hermione determinedly. "I'll plan his lessons for him if I have to. I don't care if she throws out Trelawney, but she's not getting rid of Hagrid!"