AN: I was watching this episode last night and somehow this little ficlet popped into my head. Also, I hate fics where Sara doesn't know about Grissom's sabbatical until the absolute last minute, so this is sort of my response to those, I guess

Disclaimer: I don't own anything relating to CSI

Loco Motives

The townhouse is quiet when Sara unlocks the door, and for a moment, she wonders if she somehow missed Grissom at the lab. But his car was in the garage, so he must have at least gotten home. Maybe he walked to the sitter to pick up Hank.

Or maybe he's sitting in his office, staring absentmindedly out the window.

"Hey," she says gently, almost afraid to startle him.

He blinks and turns to focus on her. "Hey. When did you get here?"

She frowns as she steps into the room to lean against the desk. "Just now. How long have you been sitting here?"

"Not that long," he replies with a shrug, returning his gaze to the window.

"Gil…" Sara reaches out to place a hand on his shoulder. "Are you OK?"

He takes a deep breath and raises a hand to cover hers, but doesn't turn back to her. "Not really, no."

"Ernie Dell?" She can't even imagine watching another human being blow their brains out over a livestream like that, cold-blooded serial killer or not.

"Yes and no," Grissom replies, cryptic as always. "It's been building for a while, I think."

She's noticed, of course. But he seemed to snap out of his little funks quickly enough, so she never said anything. Maybe she should have.

"I just… I always used to feel that I was making a difference, you know," he continues after a silent moment. "Even though there was always another crime scene, another body, another life destroyed, I still felt like we helped."

"And now you don't?"

He frowns, as if he hasn't put it into those words himself. "I feel like it's not enough anymore."

"OK, so, have you been thinking about how to… fix that?"

He nods slowly. "I think I need a break."

It makes sense, of course, but still makes a chill run down her spine. "From the lab? Las Vegas? Or… me?"

The last word finally makes him turn back to her, eyebrows furrowed. "No. Not you, never you. Don't ever think that. You're the one thing that's kept me going this long."

He rolls the chair closer to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his face against her throat.

"OK."

Sara slides one hand into his hair, scratching at his scalp the way he likes, and runs the other up and down his back, in what she hopes is a soothing motion.

They stay in that position for several minutes, until Grissom pulls out of her embrace, offering a smile.

"So, what are you thinking?" she asks when he doesn't say anything.

He opens a drawer before answering, pulling out an envelope. "I got this a while ago," he says, handing it over.

"Williams College?" She pulls the letter out of the envelope.

"I was already… after the case with the missing boys, I was already thinking I needed to do something," he explains while she reads. "It's been a while, but I recognize the signs of a burn out. Then I got this, and it seemed like perfect timing. And now, with Ernie Dell…"

Sara carefully folds up the letter again and puts it back in the envelope, keeping her eyes carefully on the floor in front of her. She's pretty sure she won't be able to hide her feelings if she meets his eyes. "You already accepted?"

He reaches out, placing a finger under her chin to make her look at him. "Of course not. I talked to them last week to see when they needed to know, and, well, that's tomorrow. So, what do you think?"

She frowns in confusion. "You want to know what I think?"

"Of course I do, I…" Grissom sighs. "I know I'm not good at all of the… relationship stuff, but I wouldn't just… decide to take off across the country for a month without even talking to you about it."

She hates to admit it, but she kind of thought he might. Or at least just inform her as a sort of after-thought when he'd already decided to go. He claims to not be good at relationship stuff, but she might be even worse at it. They have been doing better lately, but whenever there's some sort of hiccup, she still finds herself automatically jumping to the worst possible conclusion.

She's working on it.

"Sara?"

She snaps out of her reverie and realizes he must have asked her something. "Sorry, what was that?"

The slight smile on his face tells her he probably knows exactly where her mind took her. "I said that if you don't want me to go, I won't."

His face is open, telling her that he means it. But he still has a haunted look in his eyes, somewhere deep down, and while she would like to think she can help him get through this, she knows she probably can't.

"I don't want you to go," she still says. "But if you feel like this is what you need to do to work through this, then I want you to go."

His mouth tugs up a little at one corner. "I'm getting some mixed signals here."

Sara sighs, moving from her position against the desk to – awkwardly – perch in his lap. His arms go around her automatically and she leans in for a kiss before she speaks. "No mixed signals. I want you to do what's best for you, and if that's leaving for a month, then that's what you need to do. It doesn't mean I have to like it."

Grissom pulls her closer, leaning his forehead against hers, and the long breath he lets out mingles with hers. "I'll miss you more than you know. I wish you could come with me, but…"

"I know." She pauses, but decides to push forward. "Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Come back to me."

"Always."