One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
Set right after Laboon, Mr. 9, and Miss Wednesday...
"N-Nami, now now, let's be reasonable," Usopp said, in as reasonable a tone as he could manage as he cowered in the corner of the Going Merry's hold. Nami was standing over him, her staff raised as the rage she'd had to put aside for several days returned, full force.
I might have escaped, too, Usopp thought miserably. If not for our damn passengers...!
"Hmph," Miss Wednesday snorted as she glared across the dinner table at Luffy. "Can't you eat with proper manners?"
"It's really disgusting isn't it?" Mr. 9 said, watching in fascinated horror as Luffy gobbled down food like a starving man. Luffy gulped down his latest bite and just grinned.
"I just love to eat! Food is the best thing ever!"
"You're going to be hell on your wife," Mr. 9 chuckled. He then laughed mockingly. "Hahahah! Oh who am I kidding? Like a bean pole such as yourself could get a woman in the first place!"
Luffy frowned. "What are you talking about? I'm already married to Nami!"
"Oh, well that's-WHAT?" Cried both criminals. Sanji, working at the stove, twitched violently and growled. Luffy grinned and rubbed the back of his head. Nami and Usopp entered the mess, chatting about repairs to be made to the ship. Their conversation ceased as Luffy grinned and waved.
"Hey Nami! Hey Usopp!"
Both Mr. 9 and Ms. Wednesday looked over at Nami, putting the pieces together. The blue haired woman was the first to break.
"You're married to HIM?" She asked. Nami's eyes widened.
"What? No! I didn't-We aren't-!"
"It's all official and stuff!" Luffy laughed. "Usopp filled out the forms himself!"
Usopp gulped as he literally felt like he was about to burst into flames from Nami's rage. He turned and grinned nervously.
"Uh... Eheheh... I was kind of hoping you'd, er, forgotten that..."
"Oh you poor dear!" Ms. Wednesday said, taking Nami's hand and patting it with almost genuine sincerity. "Did your life experience make you set your sights so low?"
"Good on you kid," Mr. 9 whispered to Luffy, "she looks like a screamer!"
Which is when Mr. 9 was sent smashing into the bulkhead courtesy of Sanji's foot. The cook glared death at Usopp, who gulped.
"Usoppppp...!" Nami snarled.
Usopp took his chance to escape, running for his very life. Nami screamed bloody vengeance and ran in pursuit.
Luffy just shrugged, and continued eating.
"Hey Sanji, can I have more bread?"
"Fuck you captain!"
"Eesh, touchy..."
Why, why, why didn't I escape when I had the chance? Drowning would be preferable to this! Usopp thought frantically. "L-Look! LOOK! Hear me out Nami! Maybe being married to Luffy won't be so bad!"
"Be... So... Bad?" Nami snarled. Usopp gulped and tugged at his non-existent collar.
"W-Well, by that I mean, um... Think about it! Has Sanji hit on you at all lately?"
"Well... No," Nami said. She glared. "I kind of liked it though!"
"Luffy's listening to you more!" Usopp countered.
"He has to listen to me anyway because he's a freaking moron!" Nami shrieked, swinging her staff for his head.
"AHHH! Y-yeah, but think about it! Think about it!" Usopp managed as he flung himself out of the way of Nami's strike. " We're criminals anyway! It's probably not legal!"
Nami paused, considering. "... Yeah, but Luffy's going to tell everyone we are thanks to you!"
"And? So? M-Maybe you can twist it to your advantage?" Usopp suggested. "I-I mean, he's forbidden fruit now! You can use him to guide in gullible women or something!"
Nami frowned, and slowly lowered her staff. She nodded.
"There are... Possibilities, I guess," Nami admitted. She laughed. "And it's not like it's official or anything! The Marines probably confiscated all our paperwork for evidence!"
Usopp laughed. "Yeah! It's not like Luffy's, I dunno, grandpa is an admiral in the Marines!"
Nami laughed harder. "Hahahaha! That'd be the day!"
The two shared a good laugh, Usopp congratulating himself on escaping unscathed for once. His little lie would have no serious repercussions whatsoever!
Elsewhere...
Monkey D. Garp was crying tears of joy as he looked over the paperwork the Marines had intercepted in Loguetown. He turned to one of his lackeys.
"You! Get this filed post-haste, stamped, and approved! My grandson's married!" He held up Nami's wanted poster. "And she's hot! That's my boy, that's my boy!"
He growled and smashed his desk into splinters. "And he didn't even invite me? I swear, there had better be a grandchild on the way when I find him or I'll beat him black and blue...!"
And on the Grand Line, Monkey D. Luffy shivered.
Some time later, at Drum Island...
After a little... Incident with the locals and her marital status, Nami had taken Luffy aside with a serious look on her face in a booth in the inn. The party went on around them, loud but forgotten, as Wapol's fall was greeted with joy.
However, all Nami could think about was how after her recovery, she'd gotten every compliment in the world on her husband.
"Luffy, you really need to stop telling people we're married," Nami said, exasperated. Luffy blinked.
"Why? Are you ashamed of me?"
"What? No! That's not it! We're fake married! By USSOP! You can't tell people we're married if we're not really married!"
Luffy frowned, and shrugged.
"Well, couldn't be make ourselves real married? I mean, it'd be great!"
"Luffy, we are completely and totally wrong for each other to start with," Nami said, dead serious. Luffy blinked.
"We are?"
"Yes! You have no clue about how love or romance works! I mean, we're nakama, sure, but... But real love and affection isn't something you get!"
Luffy blinked. "It isn't? But that's what you've been giving me."
Nami punched Luffy in the head. "NO I HAVEN'T YOU IDIOT!"
"Owww... See? Like that!" Luffy said.
"That's not affection Luffy!" Nami growled. "What, are your enemies being affectionate?"
"No, they attack me cause they're bastards," Luffy said stubbornly. "When someone who cares about you beats you up, that means they love you!"
"How could you come to that conclusion?" Nami demanded. Luffy shrugged.
"My grandpa and foster mom did it."
That took all the wind out of Nami's sails as she stared at him. She lowered her arms. "Wha...?"
"Oh yeah! My grandpa tossed me down into this deep dark canyon when I was little and made me climb up!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Then tied me to balloons and let me fly into the sky! Then he dumped me into the sea, and made me swim for my life from sharks!"
Nami's eyes began to swim with tears as she looked into the utterly sincere face. "Luffy..."
"And he hit me a lot, all to toughen me up!" Luffy said. "And so did my foster mother! She was a mountain bandit, made me fight wolves for my meat! I can't remember how many nights I didn't get any food!" He smiled brightly.
"Wha... When you had your rubber powers, right?" Nami asked.
"Nope! Didn't get those until I was seven!" Luffy said. He smiled brightly. "So... All this hitting me means you care about me, right?"
The patrons of the bar around them were treated to the sight of Nami wailing loudly and hugging Luffy to her chest, bawling like a child. Luffy just blinked, looking very confused.
"... Something I said...?"
The other members of the Strawhat crew were unable to ignore the scene nearby. Sanji, naturally, was the first to respond.
"My god! He's molesting her!" Sanji gasped.
"She's hugging HIM to HER chest. Calm down," Zoro said flatly.
"What's going on?" Usopp cried.
"No clue. One minute she's hitting him and shouting at him like usual, the next she's hugging him to her," Zoro sighed.
"Maybe she's mad at him? Could that be it?" Chopper suggested. Sanji stared at him in disbelief.
"Why would she be mad if she's hugging him to her chest?" Sanji demanded. "Her sweet, wonderful chest~..."
Vivi nearby hummed thoughtfully.
"Well, Nami always shows her affection by hitting people, doesn't she?" She asked.
"Oh come on!" Usopp said flatly. "No way!"
"Haven't you noticed? She hits him the most, especially when he's been doing something dangerously stupid!" Vivi insisted.
"I guess so," Zoro said carefully.
"I still don't buy it!" Usopp huffed.
"No, no, no... Vivi-swan is perfectly correct," Sanji said. "The lovely Nami ALWAYS shows her affection through violence."
"Not ALL the time... right?" Chopper asked, concerned about this band of pirates he may or may not be joining.
"You know, they might on to something," Usopp said, looking thoughtful. "I mean uh, anyone else notice Luffy tends to... I don't know how else to put it delicately..." He tapped his fingers together, trying to find a nice way to put it.
"He likes getting hit," Zoro said bluntly. Vivi giggled as Usopp nodded.
"Yeah! Exactly!" Usopp said.
"Well, he can bounce back from almost anything, and she does show her affection through violence, so..." Vivi trailed off and giggled again.
Sanji burst into melodramatic tears. "They're perfect together!" He wailed.
"I don't get it," Chopper said.
"I can't deny it anymore... she really is meant for Luffy. I cannot give her the perfect target that she desires. No one can take a hit like our dear Captain!" Sanji cried.
"... you're going to be crying into your beer all night aren't you?" Zoro asked flatly.
"Shut up, Mosshead! Leave me to my grief!" Sanji sobbed. He lifted his mug of beer. "Here's to you, you stupid lucky rubber bastard!"
Chopper shivered, and began having second thoughts about joining this crew of weirdos...
16th Marine Branch HQ, East Blue
Purupurupuru... Purupurupurup...
Captain Nezumi grumbled a bit as he heard the call of his Den Den Mush, and he reached over to take the receiver from the transponder snail. A month after his humiliating defeat and his bruises still hurt...
"Yes, what do you want?" He demanded, quite rudely.
"This is Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp," growled a voice every Marine was familiar with, "who the hell is this?"
"AH! V-Vice Admiral! Sir!" Nezumi backtracked, quite spectacularly. "I-I'm so very sorry, I didn't know it was you! Th-This is Captain Nezumi, 16th Branch East Blue! I just wanted to say I've always been a huge admirer of you and your great deeds this is an honor and I'd be more than happy to-"
"CAN IT!" Garp bellowed. Nezumi gulped.
"Yes sir!"
Oh God, this was it. He was going to die. He was going to be strung up. Garp the Hero was calling, and that would be the end of him!
"Now listen carefully, Captain... Jezumi," Garp said.
Nezumi almost corrected the legendary hero, but caught himself.
"I called your worthless ass for one reason, and one reason only," Garp said.
Nezumi closed his eyes, trembling in terror.
"I want a picture of my granddaughter-in-law!"
A beat. Nezumi's eyes popped wide open.
"Ah? What?"
"Nami of Cocoyashi Village. This village is in your jurisdiction, is it not?" Garp asked flatly. "Get in contact with the locals and get me a picture of her!"
"Your... She's your granddaughter in law?" Nezumi squeaked. Oh he was really in it now! Not only had he been skimming off the top of pirates, he'd screwed over the granddaughter-in-law of GARP THE HERO!
Was Garp playing a game? Was he the cat to Nezumi's mouse, enjoying him squirm? He was doomed, doomed, doomed!
"Yes... Now get me some pictures of her! Current ones! A wedding photo would be perfect if you could get me one since THEY DIDN'T BOTHER TO INVITE ME AND-Zzzzzzz..."
Nezumi stared at the receiver. "Uh...?"
"Zzzzz... Zzzzz...-uh, ahem, sorry," Garp apologized.
"It's fine! Totally fine!" Nezumi cried. "Anything, anything you want Vice Admiral I'll get you! Anything at all! My congratulations to your grandson and granddaughter I'm sure they're a wonderful pairing and I wish them many years of happiness-!"
"JEZUMI!" Garp roared. Nezumi trembled.
"Y-Y-Yes sir?"
"I'm so glad you're being cooperative," Garp said. "Given the unsavory things I've heard about you, I assumed you'd give me the runaround like the stinking rat you are!"
"... T-Thank you sir?"
"That wasn't a compliment," Garp growled.
"Yes sir! Thank you sir!" Nezumi babbled.
"In any case, get me pictures of my granddaughter-in-law," Garp said flatly. "According to their paperwork they were married in Cocoyashi, so that's where you can get the pictures."
"Uh, Commodore, that might not be possible," Nezumi tried. "The village is... Is... Um... Very treacherous! Yes! The way there is fraught with... With peril!"
"What sort of peril?" Garp asked. Nezumi looked out at the clear, sunny skies and blew on the receiver.
"Fsssh! Storms! Fsshhh! Oh my God, it's as bad as the Grand Line! Fsshh! Impossible! We're all going to drown, ahhh! Fsshhh!"
The nearby wall was knocked down by a single fist, and Nezumi screamed like a little girl as he jumped onto the desk. "AAAHHHH!"
The reason was quite obvious-Garp the Hero was standing in the hole he'd made, a handheld Den Den Mushi in his hand. Garp grinned as he advanced on the trembling Captain.
"Yes... Quite the fierce storm," Garp agreed with a grin. He grabbed Nezumi by the collar and held him up. "Now... We are going to get pictures of my grandson and granddaughter-in-law's wedding."
"S-Sir... Please... I have no idea... I had no idea she was part of your family!" Nezumi squeaked. "She didn't even come b-b-back to Cocoyashi until recently! I don't even know who she married...!"
"FOOL!" Garp boomed. "How could you not know, when you set out his first bounty?"
Nezumi's eyes darted to the wanted poster of his nemesis, but he couldn't see from this angle.
Fortunately, Garp helped him out by shoving his face into the wall... And through it.
Maybe I should have taken that early retirement, Nezumi thought miserably.
Buggy's Ship
As the morning paper was delivered, Captain Buggy was feeling a bit low. Losing Monkey D. Luffy over a month ago had been humiliating. It was as though God Himself had interfered in his execution of the flashy rubber brat! And with the Marine presence in the area it was tough to get any serious pirating done. They'd had to hide out in some obscure lagoon where the fishing wasn't even any good! And to top it all off, he had food poisoning from a batch of bad apples... Which he'd thrown into his men due to a crack about the resemblance to his nose.
Well, maybe it wasn't a crack. Maybe his crewman had just held the apple up to his nose to sniff it too long but it still pissed him the flash off!
"Grahhhh! Why can't anything go my flashy way?" Buggy demanded of the heavens, shaking his fists at them. "That flashy brat and his flashy crew! I'll string 'em all up! I'll burn them to cinders! I'll-"
"A-HA!" Alvida's voice sounded over the deck of the ship. Buggy turned his head to see his ally perched on a pile of pillows. The newspaper was before her and she laughed softly at it. Buggy narrowed his eyes.
"What's so flashing funny?"
"Oho! He was so resistant to my charms... I thought he was just a fool, but it turns out he had another reason to resist me. How very chivalrous! Ohohoho, I admire you all the more Monkey D. Luffy," Alvida laughed, holding a hand to her cheeks.
"What? Show me, what's all your flashing crap about?" Buggy demanded. Alvida handed over the newspaper, and Buggy yanked out the latest stack of wanted posters. He shuffled through them, sniffing disdainfully at the newest crop of punks.
"Bah, who does this fool think he's fooling, bright orange flashing hair. He's not fooling anyone, the poser!" The next poster. "What kind of stupid hat is that? Looks like he skinned a snow leopard! Yeah right, a Doctor my flashy ass!" The next poster. "Huh, sexy thing. But who names a kid Jewelry?"
"This from a man named Buggy," Alvida teased.
"BUGGY IS A VERY FLASHY NAME WHERE I COME FROM!" Buggy roared. He flipped to the next poster... And his jaw dropped.
"WHAT?"
The poster was of Luffy and Nami, standing before some long nosed kid holding a bible. Nami was wearing a veil, holding flowers, and looking confused, while that damn Luffy was wearing a bow tie and grinning for the camera.
"'Strawhat" Monkey D. Luffy and "Burglar Cat" Monkey D. Nami-Double Bounty for the nefarious pirate husband and wife?'"
Buggy screeched. "That's not fair! Double bounties aren't fair!"
"Ah, a married man. So devoted to his wife he didn't even recognize me," Alvida sighed. "So noble..."
"NOBLE NOTHING!" Buggy shrieked. "HE'S THE DUMBEST FLASHING SACK OF CRAP IN THE SEA!" He shook his fists. "A double bounty? Just for being married? It's not flashing fair!" He turned to Alvida, rubbing his chin. "Of course, we could match them easily if we-"
"Don't even think about it, Clowny."
"Just a thought!"
Yep, still writing for this. Hope you guys don't mind though.