One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
On the Way to Thriller Bark...
In the Aquarium Bar, Luffy and Nami found themselves faced by their crew as though before a tribunal. Nami immediately went with her first instinct in such a situation:
"Whatever it is, I didn't do it, steal it, or borrow it and the information will cost you-"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR!" Zoro and Usopp bellowed.
"DAMN RIGHT!" Sanji snarled, tied up with spare chain from the anchor.
"So, why are we here?" Luffy asked. "Cause I'm hungry, and horny-GAH!"
"Damnit Luffy don't saythat!" Nami hissed, blushing bright red.
"That's exactly why we're here you bastard!" Sanji snarled. "I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Down, down Sanji!" Chopper said. He injected Sanji with a syringe, and the blonde cook's countenance changed. He smiled dreamily as he leaned back.
"Pretty sparks of light dancing with onigiri," he sighed.
"Unfortunately his metabolism is such that the sedative only works for a little while," Chopper admitted.
"Dancing in the moonlight, hey hey hey... I... It... DAMN YOU LUFFY YOU BASTARD! RAWR!"
"What'd we do?" Luffy asked, perplexed.
"Ahem," Usopp began, clearing his throat with a melodramatic cough into his fist. "Nami, Luffy, we have some concerns about-"
"Stop having sex everywhere you freaking perverts!" Zoro growled.
"I was trying to be diplomatic!" Usopp growled, shaking his fists.
"Oh come on, we're on our honeymoon and it's a small ship!" Nami protested.
"Yeah! You've only caught us a couple of times that we've actually been doing it!" Luffy said cheerfully. His wife hit him over the head for that, but he was still grinning even as the rest of the crew reacted with varying degrees of disgust (Zoro), rage (Sanji), disbelief (Usopp), confusion (Chopper), amazement (Franky), and amusement (Robin).
"Even so! Each of those times was severely traumatizing!" Usopp said. "Right?"
The crewmembers each looked away from each other. "Well..."
Franky entered the power room of the ship, a big wrench carried in his hand and a whistle on his lips.
"Fwee, fwee, fwee..."
But since he couldn't actually whistle, he was making the sound for it phonetically.
"Heehee! L-Luffy, no, not herrrre ohhhh..."
Franky blinked. He looked around the barrels of cola stored in the back of the room. His eyes widened.
"OW! Luffy! Nami!"
"FRANKY!" Nami covered her chest with her shirt and glared at him. "D-Damnit, get out!"
"Oi! This is my space! You can't go having sex in my space! Not unless you're willing to let Franky watch-GAHHH!"
"DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"Hahahaha!"
"Stop laughing Luffy! Your wife is killing me!"
"That really hurt! Ow!" Franky complained.
"I didn't really see a problem with it," Chopper said. Nami looked rather mortified, while Luffy just grinned.
Chopper entered the sickbay, his arms full of medical books.
"Ohhh... Luffyyy..."
"Eh?" Chopper gasped, lowering the stack of books so he could see over them. Luffy and Nami were on his examination table, blushing furiously. The human reindeer then sighed.
"You know, you're doing that wrong Luffy."
"Eh?" Luffy gaped.
"If you rub that..." Chopper made a motion with his hoof, "yeah, just an inch or two lower, you'll get the nerves just ri-"
"OHMIGOD!" Nami screamed.
"See? There you go." Chopper deposited his books for later reading and headed back out. "Clean up after you're done!"
There was silence for a few moments save for Nami catching her breath. Chopper then poked his head back in.
"By the way, you should really try it with this kind of motion, not thatkind of motion."
"Oh? You mean, like this?" Luffy asked. Nami squealed.
"Yes, like that! Later!" Chopper said, waving his hoof and walking out.
"Luffy stop listening to him!" Nami cried.
"But you liked it!" Luffy protested.
"Don't listen to him WHILE we're doing this!"
"Okay, okay!" Luffy said.
"... you should've gone to him for advice instead of Sanji," Nami murmured.
"Eh?" Luffy cried.
"Not that I'm complaining!"
"Er..." Usopp rubbed the top of his head.
"WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE ON MY WORK BENCH?" Usopp shouted. "IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! I'VE SAT ON IT! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO IT HERE?"
"Well we hadn't done it here yet, so-" Luffy tried, but Usopp threw them both out.
"PERVERTS! YOU'RE BOTH PERVERTS!"
"Eesh, touchy," Nami sniffed.
Sanji foamed at the mouth.
Sanji walked into the kitchen, today's recipe already in his head.
Let's see... A nice orange sauce for that grouper Usopp caught, plus rice with a hint of lime...
He came up short when he heard a giggle, and slowly he turned to his left.
"Oh! Hey Sanji!" Luffy said cheerfully, holding a topless Nami against himself. Nami blushed furiously, and he noted that... Parts... Of her were covered in sugar.
Tears came to Sanji's eyes. "You... How could you... IN MY OWN KITCHEN?"
"But I was hungry, and Nami wanted me to lick sugar from her-"
"DAMNIT LUFFY DON'T TELL HIM EVERYTHING!" Nami shouted.
"But we've done it several times here already-!'
"DON'T TELL HIM THAT EITHER!"
"S-S-Several times...?" Sanji asked, trembling. He looked all over his wonderful kitchen, upon every surface that Nami could have been held on, against, set atop, laying upon... And with Luffy-
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
"MY KITCHEN HAS BEEN DEFILED! THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN SANITARY!" Sanji raged.
"We cleaned up afterwards, really!" Luffy insisted. Sanji fixed his captain with a deadly serious glare.
"Luffy," Sanji said with utter sincerity, "you've been a good captain and a great friend, but now I must kill you." His eyes burned with fire. "KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU-!"
"SEDATIVE!" Chopper cried, injecting Sanji once again.
"Haa... Jiiii... Look at my horse, my horse is amazing..."
Zoro grunted. Robin covered her mouth as she laughed softly.
"DAMNIT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I'VE CAUGHT YOU DOING IT!" Zoro ranted, shaking his fist at the blushing pair in his training room.
"How the hell do you keep finding us when you can't find anything else?" Nami shrieked.
"But we've done it like thirty times, so he hasn't caught us-" Luffy tried, but he was soon interrupted by Zoro covering his ears and yelling.
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"
"Oh my, such commotion," Robin tutted. She peeked into the room and smiled. "Oh, hello again you two."
"YOU CAUGHT THEM TOO?" Zoro cried.
"Oh yes, in the survey room," Robin chuckled. She smiled and leaned over to whisper in Zoro's ear.
"Don't you just think they're so very... inspirationalwhen they do that?"
Zoro blushed furiously, and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked away.
"It's annoying. I'm not inspired at all."
"Oh? Doesn't it get a... rise... out of you?" Robin asked softly. Luffy and Nami watched, interested. Zoro growled.
"Well, yeah! But this'd piss anyoneoff!"
"So, this gets your blood boiling? Your... blood pressure up?" Robin asked, running a hand down Zoro's chest. The Pirate Hunter grunted, grumpy and distracted.
"Yeah it does." He glared at her. "Why are you doing that?"
Robin giggled and walked off. Zoro stared after her.
"...waitaminute..." He muttered.
"Geez, even I got that," Luffy said, shaking his head. Nami grabbed his shirt. "Ulp!"
"Less paying attention to other people flirting, more making out!" Nami demanded.
"ZORO YOU BASTARD!" Sanji screamed. "GIVE ME A BOTTLE! I'LL CUT YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL CUT YOU-Ohhhh wow those happy figs dancing..."
"Chopper! Go easy on that stuff!" Usopp cried. "You might overdose him!"
"I'm open to suggestions on alternative treatment," Chopper said.
"Perhaps aversion therapy?" Suggested Robin.
"Nah, probably won't work on him-"
"THIS IS ALL BESIDE THE POINT!" Zoro shouted, shaking his fist. He pointed at Luffy and Nami. "You can't just go around the ship and have sex everywhere we can catch you!"
"Ah, but you didn't catch us in the crow's nest," Luffy said. Zoro's eye began to twitch dangerously.
"Or the gunner's nest," Nami said. Usopp gaped.
"Or the library," Luffy said. "No, wait, Robin caught us."
"Do mind the books, please," Robin said with a chuckle.
"Point is! You can't just go around the ship like this!" Franky said. "It's very distracting!" He rubbed his head. "Though if you were to let us watch I'm sure we could work something out-GAH! MY FACE!"
"DIE!" Nami screamed.
"N-Nami, we need a shipwright!"
"DON'T CARE, KILLING HIM!"
Luffy sighed, and wrapped his wife up in his arms. "Sorry, we'll be right back." He carried her off, leaving the rest of the crew to sit and commiserate.
"Don't worry," Robin said comfortingly. "This is the honeymoon. They'll become less... Affectionate in time."
"Yeah, but thirty times?"Usopp asked, in absolute awe. "At least?"
"We'll be running into them for the rest of the voyage," Zoro said with a sigh.
Sanji just sobbed miserably, before he clenched his fists.
"I swear... I'll get a hot babe of my own, and have sexy times with her all over the ship! THEN WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA-"
"SEDATIVE!"
"Oooh... Let's make cupcakes, Pinkie Piiiie..."
Oh yeah, like they could resist each other. Hope you enjoyed!