One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
Saobody Archipelago - Two Years Later
Luffy arrived at the Thousand Sunny hauling his massive backpack and his ass at top speed. He waved with a grin as he saw the crew on deck.
"HEYYYY! EVERYONE!" He shouted. He cleared the last bit of distance with a Gum Gum Rocket, landing in a heap atop Usopp, Chopper and Franky. Sanji and Zoro were not far behind.
"GO! GO! GO!" Sanji shouted.
"AHHH! LUFFY!" Chopper cried, hugging his captain.
"LUFFY!" Usopp also sobbed manly tears.
"LUFFY-MECHA!" Franky cried, his nipple lights going off. What that meant, nobody cared to speculate. Luffy got up from the group hug, laughing happily... And suddenly stopped when he saw a certain redheaded navigator with a little cloud floating next to her. He grinned brightly.
"Nami!" He cried, stretching out his arms and grabbing Nami around the waist. The surprised woman was yanked into Luffy's embrace, and a sloppy kiss. "Mmph!"
"WHAT? HE KISSED HER!" Sanji cried. "I'LL KILL YOU LUFFY! DESPITE OUR FRIENDSHIP YOU MUST DIE NOWWW!"
"Idiot!" Zoro cried. "He's seen them do it before!"
"Sanji has a short memory!" Franky said.
As Franky and Zoro held Sanji back, Nami broke the kiss and laughed as she hugged Luffy back.
"Luffy! Great to see you!" She laughed.
"I hated not being able to see all of you!" Luffy cried, pressing his face into Nami's cleavage. "But I really missed you"
"Good work Luffy, that's how a husband should act-I'LL CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY CARVING KNIFE!"
"Down Sanji, down!"
Nami pulled away and gave Luffy a little, nervous smile. "Er... There's someone else for you to meet."
Luffy blinked. "Eh?" He looked around, seeing his complete crew as the Thousand Sunny took off with Usopp at the wheel. "But... Everybody's here."
Robin began laughing softly, as Chopper rubbed his face. Brook laughed heartily.
"It's quite the surprise, yohohohoho!"
"What? What surprise?" Sanji asked.
Zoro frowned. "Yeah, what surprise?"
The little cloud floated up to Luffy and Nami. Nami, still smiling nervously, waved her hand and the cloud seemed to unfold. Within, wearing a little red shirt and a cute pair of white shorts was a little black haired girl, no more than two years old. She yawned, and sat up. She stared at Luffy, and Luffy stared back.
"Eh? Did you kidnap a girl, Nami?" Usopp gasped. "Or did you adopt a girl? AH! WE CAN'T ADOPT CHILDREN, WE'RE PIRATES! WE'RE KIDNAPPERS!"
"Ahhh..." Nami tapped her fingers together. "Luffy, this is Ace." She looked intently at him. "Your daughter."
Luffy's eyes widened as he froze dramatically, as did everyone else as though suddenly being given dramatic closeups.
Luffy was silent for several long seconds, and Nami began to fidget. Maybe she shouldn't have come back, maybe she should have just hid in Cocoyashi Village, maybe she should have-
"...YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Luffy cried, throwing his hands up. "I HAVE A DAUGHTER! WOOOO! NEW NAKAMA!" He hugged his daughter, and surprised, Ace began to cry.
"Waaahhhh!"
"A... A... Daughter?" Sanji asked. He threw his hands up. "WHYYYYYY?"
"Don't tell me," Zoro groaned as he facepalmed. "We're bringing a kid along?"
"Who names a girl 'Ace', anyway?" Usopp muttered.
"Hahahahaha! Hahahaah-Oh, wait," Luffy said, freezing as Ace continued to cry. "I wasn't there for her birth." His eyes widened more. "I wasn't there for her growing up!" His eyebrows twitched. "AAHHHHH! I'M A BAD FATHER! I ABANDONED HER LIKE MY DAD DID ME!"
"No! No, Luffy, stop!" Nami cried, waving her hands. "You're not bad, it's okay! It's okay!"
"I'M A TERRIBLE FATHER! A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL! AAAAAHHHH!" Luffy continued to bellow, tears running from his eyes.
"NO! YOU'RE A GREAT ROLE-Pfft, okay, even I can't say that," Usopp sighed.
"YES! DROWN YOURSELF! DROWN YOURSELF YOU BASTARD!" Sanji shouted.
"DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH, LUFFY!" Chopper screamed.
"YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER NEED YOU, LUFFY-MECHA!" Franky shouted. "BE A MAN AND STAY WITH HER!"
"STOP SHOUTING YOU IDIOTS! YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" Zoro bellowed.
"DIE! DIE OF SHAME!"
"ESPECIALLY YOU SHITTY COOK!" Zoro screamed.
Robin just continued to laugh, as did Brook.
"I AM TERRIBLE FOR ABANDONING-Ora?" Luffy's nose was seized in a tight grip, and he found himself being flung into the mast. He hit it with the ringing of a gong, and slid down.
He sat up, and looked back at his daughter, still holding his rubber nose. He then grinned brightly.
"OHHHH! SHE'S STRONG!" He cried happily, snapping Ace up in his arms and hugging her. The toddler giggled happily as Luffy swung her around.
"The hell have you been feeding her?" Zoro cried.
"She's Luffy's daughter all right," Franky chuckled.
The captain swung his way back to Nami, and wrapped his other arm around his wife with a loud laugh. "Hahahaha! This is the best day ever! Our crew's bigger! I'm a daddy!"
Nami, looking more relieved than she could say, sighed and hugged him back as their daughter continued laughing.
"Oi! You can't be serious!" Zoro shouted, smacking the back of Luffy's head. "You're gonna bring your daughter along?"
"Well... Yeah, why not?" Luffy asked.
"We're pirates!" Usopp shouted. "It's dangerous!"
"Yes! Very dangerous!" Chopper shouted.
Luffy scratched his head. "But we can't leave her alone somewhere!"
"Absolutely not! I refuse!" Nami agreed.
"But-But our lives are in constant danger!" Usopp insisted. " She might get kidnapped! She might get poisoned or worse! Maybe she could stay with your family? Somewhere safe?"
"Hmmm," Luffy said thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose we could leave her with my grandpa-"
"NO."
"Eh... Eheh..." Luffy slowly turned his head to look at his wife, who was a study in fear incarnate. "B-But... Nami, he'd-"
"NO." Nami growled. Luffy gulped and nodded quickly.
"Ah, a mother's instincts," Robin sighed.
"D-Defense Point!" Chopper squeaked, now a protective furball. Ace laughed and clapped her hands together at the sight.
"W-W-Well, why not at Cocoyashi Village?" Usopp suggested. Nami snorted.
"Who'd protect her if there was trouble?"
"Er... Yosake and Johnny?" Usopp suggested, a mental image of the two appearing in a thought bubble over his head. Nami whacked the thought bubble, and both former bounty hunters went down instantly. "Er... Maybe you're right..."
"Oi! The safest place for her is right here!" Luffy said, holding his fist up. His eyes narrowed in determination. "Anybody who tries to hurt her, I'll beat them up!"
Nami smiled brightly at her husband.
"Otherwise Nami would do something even worse to them," Luffy said with a sage nod. Nami sighed happily.
"He knows me so well~," she said as she nuzzled his cheek. Zoro groaned and rubbed his temples.
"Still wishing you were in Luffy's place, Sanji?" Franky asked. Sanji wept bitterly.
"More than ever!"
"So glad to be home," Usopp sighed, a sweatdrop prominent on the back of his head.
On the way to Fishmen Island...
The Marine bombardment had ceased thanks to the intervention of Boa's vessel, and all of the Strawhats crowded on one side of the deck to get a good look at this woman. Nami took the scope, and her eyes widened when she got a look at the Pirate Empress.
"That's... Her?" She asked, blushing a bit despite herself. Luffy grinned and laughed.
"Ah! Boa Hancock!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Yeah! She got me to Impel Down, and helped me during Marineford, and fed me and gave me all that food and helped me for the last two years!" Luffy pointed to his massive pack, still sitting on the deck. Nami, holding Ace-chan, clutched at her daughter a bit more tightly.
"She did... All that for you?" Nami asked quietly.
Luffy nodded with a smile. "Yep! Even brought me here to see you all again!"
"I... I see," Nami said softly. She turned to Luffy, suspicion entering her mind. "She sounds... Nice."
"Oh yeah, she was!" Luffy said. He then scratched his cheek. "She was really weird though."
Boa turned to look at the Thousand Sunny, smiled, and waved with a blush visible through the telescope. Nami's eyes narrowed.
"Weird?" Nami asked, the question coming out as a growl. "Weird how?"
Over on her flagship, Boa blushed as she caught sight of the Thousand Sunny. "The scope, if you please," she ordered a nearby Amazon. Upon receiving it, Boa took the telescope and focused on the Sunny.
Ah, there is Luffy, she thought happily. Her face darkened. And that wife of his... She frowned and adjusted the focus. But who is that small child in... Her... Arms...
The telescope broke in Boa's hands as she wailed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Boa wailed. "LUFFY! I WANTED TO HAVE YOUR BABIIIIEEESSS!"
On the Thousand Sunny, Nami's jaw dropped. Luffy sighed.
"I tell her all the time that I'm married and she keeps saying she wants to marry me!"
"LUFFY!" Sanji snarled. "You bastard! HOW DARE YOU SHACK UP WITH A PIRATE EMPRESS WHILE NAMI-SWAN CARRIES YOUR CHILD!"
"What? I didn't!" Luffy said quickly. He looked at Nami. "I really didn't Nami!"
Nami huffed, and looked to the side. "Hmph... Away for two years, with most beautiful woman in the world..."
"With?" Luffy hugged her tightly and grinned. "I was trying to get back to her!"
Nami blushed furiously, as Ace squirmed out of her arms. "Good answer," she admitted.
"YOU! HAG!" Boa shrieked. Nami's head jerked up as she looked over at the Kufa ship.
"Eh?"
"Funny she knows who she's talking about," Zoro grunted.
"I CHALLENGE YOU! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM WITHOUT A FIGHT! I'LL HAVE TWO-NO-TEN-No-TWENTY-No-FIFTY OF HIS BABIES!" Boa shouted.
A blue shade descended over Nami's face. "Wh... What a strange person...!"
"Luffyyyy..." Sanji growled, even as Chopper prepared a sedative.
"I told you, she's weird." Luffy said with a shrug. "Nice, but weird."
"The passions of women will burn all but the greatest of men!" Franky declared dramatically.
"I'M VERY SORRY BUT I'M HIS WIFE!" Nami shouted back, not sounding sorry at all.
"LET ME BE HIS MISTRESS THEN!"
Dead silence from the entire crew followed, but didn't last long.
Nami gaped. "WHAT? NO!"
Even from a distance, Boa Hancock's beauty was quite powerful. She pouted with a sensual blush over her cheeks.
"OH~? ARE YOU SURE~?" She cried. Nami blushed in turn, and poked her fingers together.
"Ah... Well... Um..."
"What's a Mistress?" Luffy asked, as Sanji was restrained by Franky and sedated by Chopper. Ace-chan just laughed at the silly faces Sanji was making.
"A mistress is the woman on the side, Luffy," Robin explained, chuckling softly. "Like a second wife."
"Uwah? I can have two wives?" Luffy gasped. His face was nearly put through the deck by Nami's fist.
"LIKE HELL YOU CAN!"
"You can have as many as you can handle," Robin said with a smile.
"Urgh... I think I'm okay with one," Luffy groaned.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nami demanded.
"LUFFY, NOOOO! PLEASE, I'M FINE WITH BEING THE SECOND WOMAN!" Boa cried.
"HE'S ALREADY GOT ONE!" Nami screamed back.
"THE MISTRESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MORE BEAUTIFUL ONE ANYWAY!" Boa shouted.
"She has a point, yohoho," Brook commented.
"BURN IN HELL, AMAZON BITCH!" Nami screamed, waving her Climatact after using it to whack Brook.
"Ow... I would say I was brained, but I don't have one anymore yohohoho SKULL JOKE!"
"I'LL SEE YOU THERE FIRST, HAG!" Boa bellowed back.
Zoro sighed and covered his face. "Idiots..."
"The Captain is a good man, to have resisted her charms so well," Robin commented with a smile.
"Boa-swaaan~ I'll marry youuuuu~!" Sanji shouted. He turned to stone in an instant, and Luffy glared.
"BOA! CHANGE HIM BACK!"
"ANYTHING FOR YOU, LUFFY!" Boa cried, and an instant later Sanji was back to normal. "I'VE BEEN TERRIBLE! YOU SHOULD PUNISH ME~!" She covered her cheeks and blushed demurely. Sanji would have kicked Luffy's face in for this, but he passed out from a nosebleed almost immediately after. Ace-chan amused herself poking his body with a stick.
"I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO PUNISHES ANYONE AROUND HERE!" Nami screamed back.
"She's under his thumb, regardless," Robin commented with a chuckle.
"Hey! Maybe you should punish her, Nami!" Luffy suggested.
"Ah?" Nami gasped, her skin turning bright red. It wasn't helped by Boa's demure smile. "I... It... That is...!"
Zoro sighed. "Usopp, get us out of here please?"
"Roger that," Usopp said, and the ship began to rapidly descend into the water as the coating expanded around them.
"I'LL SEE YOU SOON, LUFFY DEAR!" Boa shouted, waving her hand. "AND YOUR WIFE!"
"I'M GOING TO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU, BITCH!" Nami screamed back.
"There, see? She can punish Boa just fine!" Luffy said with a smile. Nami again turned bright red.
"L-Luffy...!"
"May I suggest you do so across her backside, where it will do the least damage? Yohohoho~-AHHH!"
"DIE ALL OVER AGAIN, SKULLHEAD!"
Some time later...
"So," Luffy said, looking over his crew as the glided through the depths of the ocean. "Everything's set?"
"Aye aye!" Franky cried. "Coating holding!"
"Course is set!" Nami added with a smile.
Luffy grinned. "Good!" He set Ace-chan down and hugged her with a kiss to the top of her head, to which she giggled. Luffy then stretched out his arm, lassoed his wife around her waist, and yanked her over his shoulder.
"EEP! L-Luffy!" Nami giggled. Luffy looked around at his friends.
"Good! Guys, watch Ace-chan for..." His grin became slightly goofy. "Um... We'll tell you when."
"Certainly," Robin smiled back.
"Grrrrr...!" Sanji growled, but managed to avoid his first instinct to kick Luffy's head off.
"AHHH! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Chopper cried, running around the deck as Ace-chan chased him.
"Kitty!" The little girl giggled.
"I'M A REINDEER! A REINDEER!"
"Ow! Sure thing, Luffy!" Franky said.
"I would be happy to!" Brook said. "I will sing her many a wonderful song~...!"
"BASTARD!" Zoro snarled right in Luffy's face. "DON'T FOIST YOUR PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY OFF ON US-URK!"
Nami had somehow gotten off Luffy's shoulder and in Zoro's face so fast he couldn't follow her movements. Her eyes were narrowed and her face was darkened as though a storm was about to burst forth and consume him. She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hissed.
"I haven't seen my husband in over two years. I haven't had any in all that time, and neither has he. The only reason I haven't torn your head off out of sheer, frustrated lust is because I need you alive to watch my little girl while I screw my husband into the ground." She dropped him onto the deck, her eyes burning with an unholy light.
"ARE WE CLEAR?"
"Yes," Zoro said in a tiny voice. Nami was suddenly all smiles as she turned to her husband.
"As we were~," she said. Luffy threw her back over his shoulder, waved, and carried his wife off into the ship.
"... Do you need a change of pants?" Franky asked, one of his attachments producing a hairdryer.
"SHUT UP!"
Yeah, do not mess with Nami when she wants nookie. Not even Whitebeard could stop her.