One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
Red Line
Mary Geoise
Pangea Castle
"Well," Jaygarcia Saturn sighed, holding up the newspaper, "The news is out. Strawhat Luffy has a child."
Shepherd Ju Peter looked over the paper in faint irritation.
"We were told the boy didn't even know what sex was!" He growled. "CP9 is again utterly useless!"
"In fairness," Topman Mercury interjected from his couch in the Room of Authority, "The boy is inherently unpredictable. As is the Will of D."
"Still, this complicates matters," Marcus Mars mused, looking out the window, "Could no CP0 Agent find his wife and child? Eliminate them?"
"They tried," Ethanbaron V. Nusjuro contributed, "You'd think a thief like her would leave some financial traces, but all for naught. The pregnancy doesn't seem to have slowed her down any, either."
"Sakazuki is already chomping at the bit to eliminate her," Saturn stated. He snorted. "His obsession with destroying any relation to Gol D. Roger's legacy is proving most irritating."
"Still, wouldn't a child make the crew more vulnerable?" Mercury asked. "A helpless hostage?"
"Like it did when we took Nico Robin into custody?" Ju Peter asked with faint sarcasm. "How many more nations will rise up in rebellion with him if we took his daughter? How much of a fiasco was Marineford?"
"We did win," Nusjuro pointed out, "We eliminated the last of Roger's line and Whitebeard."
"And what a pyrrhic victory that has been," Saturn sighed, "Most of the Seven Warlords are unpredictable, at best. Dragon's Revolutionary Army grows stronger. Piracy grows. Rebellion too."
"They will have to confront at least two of the Four Emperors now that they are in the New World," Ju Peter pointed out, "If we act carefully, we can eliminate Strawhat. If he died failing to realize his dream, so too would his followers."
"They would have his daughter to follow," Mercury sniffed, "They'd make her a new symbol of resistance against us, and his daughter would lead the way. The Will of D combined with a need for revenge against us?"
"She's only a child," Nusjuro protested.
"So were Nico Robin and Portgas D. Ace," Saturn said grimly, "They both survived and have made great trouble for us. The Will of D is in her-You can see it in her eyes. She will become a great threat to us."
"Not if she was eliminated as well," Ju Peter pointed out. "Send all the CP units we can after her-!"
"We failed to kill Roger's son when it was most advantageous," Saturn retorted, "Now he and Whitebeard are martyrs. No. We will eliminate Strawhat when he is occupied with one of the Emperors. It will be a great sacrifice, sending our best agent on a suicide mission, but we will manage. We will then have an agent eliminate this Acenath right after in the confusion. If Kaido or Big Mom are his opponents, his crew will be captured, killed, or scattered."
"And what of Dragon's wrath when his son and granddaughter are killed?" Nusjuro asked.
"Dragon is relatively predictable," Saturn replied, shifting his cane a bit, "If he believes his son's ambition killed him, he will not respond as rashly as he would if we acted directly. We know he has kept watch over his son, at a distance, but still watchful."
"He will know we are involved," Mars pointed out, "If he has that good of a watch over him."
"Better Strawhat and his legacy are buried than allowing him and his father to continue," Saturn said decisively, as he tossed the newspaper onto the table before the other Elders, "And all the better to eliminate Strawhat's heir. If we fail to kill him and his daughter both... We will face a bloody reckoning. Not seen since the Void Century!"
Thousand Sunny
Well... Despite everything, Law had the start of his alliance to topple DoFlamingo, Big Mom, and Kaido. It hadn't been easy, but a stroke of luck had allowed him to cement a firm alliance with the Strawhats. Cesar Clown, beaten unconscious and held in Seastone Cuffs, was tied to the mast as they sailed for Dressrosa. It had gone far better than he could have ever imagined.
That said... The Strawhat's eccentricities were becoming a bit... Annoying.
The moment they'd gotten aboard their ship, rather than prepare battle plans or strategies, they'd had lunch. Sandwiches.
He didn't really like sandwiches, so they'd made him takoyaki. Which was good.
Then he'd spent some time with their doctor, Tony Tony Chopper. He was actually quite good despite the lack of the Ope Ope no Mi. He'd even call him competent-A compliment from someone of his education. Though the tanuki hadn't taken that well.
He'd wanted to talk out more details of their plan with Strawhat, but he and his wife had celebrated by getting intimate, before coming out onto deck with big smiles. During that time he'd learned that Soul King Brook was an actual living skeleton and their sniper Usopp was the biggest liar he had ever met. Franky the Cyborg had nearly gone without his speedos and Nico Robin, while good company, kept making innuendos that left him a blushing mess. Sanji was a great cook, but his constant thanking him for being body swapped with Nami was... Bizarre.
They'd also brought along Kine'mon and his son, Momonosuke, who were resting in the guest quarters, but they were bizarre-Even based on what he knew about Wano.
Finally though... There was her.
"Uncle Law! Uncle Law! Up! Up!"
Law held in a sigh. He scowled down at the little girl with pigtails and a beguiling smile.
"No."
"Up!"
"No."
"Up!"
"No."
The girl pouted.
"You're my uncle, aren't'cha?" She asked.
Law blinked.
"I never agreed to that-"
"Mommy and Daddy say you are," Ace said with a firm nod, "So you're my uncle. So, up!"
She beamed at him, holding her arms up. Law scowled over at Strawhat and his wife, who were doing something unusual for one of them: Sitting still, and facing eachother.
"This is your daughter, you want to parent her a little?" Law asked dryly.
"Busy," Strawhat called out, his eyes narrowed. He twitched, and Law could feel the power of his Conqueror's Haki. It was strong, almost frightfully so. Keeping it focused entirely on his wife clearly took effort.
Nami was glaring back into her husband's eyes, gritting her teeth as sweat beaded on her brow. She was still conscious though, and given how long these two had been at it, that was impressive.
"Push... Back... You can do it..." Strawhat gritted out, grinning in encouragement despite the strain. Nami grunted, and black lightning sputtered from her eyes for a moment... Before she fell over like a marrionette with cut strings. Strawhat caught his wife, and hugged her. She held onto him, taking deep breaths.
"Better," Strawhat said with a grin, "Lots better! I could feel you pushing back against me!"
"Y-Yeah... Still... Got a hell of a... Headache," Nami managed. Sanji came out, some water on a tray, and she gratefully took it. "Thanks Sanji."
"No problem Nami," Sanji said with a smile and flourish. He looked over at his captain. "Hey Luffy, don't push her too hard-!"
"She's my wife, she can take it," Strawhat said confidently, making his wife flush. Sanji sighed.
"Yeah well, you could spend more time training us in Haki too."
"We did it after lunch last week," Luffy protested, "You could have made me more food if you were going to have me do that!"
"Wait, he's been using his Conqueror's Haki on all of you?" Law asked in mild disbelief. Strawhat beamed.
"Yeah! It's not easy, but they all stood up to it!" Strawhat said proudly. Sanji grinned and rubbed the back of his head modestly.
"Nothing to it, once you get used to it," Sanji said, "Though activating your own Haki is the real trick. Any tips?"
Giving out tips on how to increase one's Haki was not, in Law's opinion, a good idea. His own crew were resistant, but Law didn't see to their training himself. Still, the fact that they all could handle Strawhat's Conqueror's Haki without passing out spoke highly of their willpower.
"... Perhaps," Law allowed.
His doubts about this alliance were silenced... Then arose again when he had a thought.
"Wait, you're not using your Haki on your daughter, are you?" Law asked. Strawhat blinked.
"Eh? I already did! On Fishman Island! She wasn't even phased!" He grinned and laughed, smiling at his daughter. His daughter beamed back, then turned back to Law.
"Up, Uncle Law!"
"You are so lucky she was fine," Nami grumbled. Strawhat beamed and kissed his wife tenderly. She resisted at first, but melted into it.
"Mmm... I knew she'd be all right," Strawhat murmured to her. Sanji switched, and began muttering under his breath about mermaids and... Boobs?
"Up, Uncle Law!"
"No. Go play with someone else," Law stated.
"Come on Tra-Guy, she likes you!" Strawhat said happily. He nodded. "That means you're a good guy!"
Law scowled. He scowled at little Ace, who kept smiling. For a moment, he saw another little girl in her place.
He then sighed, and picked Ace up.
"Like this?"
The girl climbed like a monkey onto his shoulders, and cheered happily.
"Funny Cap! So soft!" She snuggled into his cap. Law's jaw dropped.
"Yeah, get used to that," Sanji chuckled, "She sees everyone and everything as her own personal playground."
"I can't believe I got captured by a bunch of idiots and their daughter," Cesar Clown muttered. In the stillness, his voice carried far, and all eyes were on him. He gulped as Nami rose and walked up to him, smiling.
"Oh, you're awake! We weren't properly introduced before, Cesar Clown," Nami greeted him, "I'm Monkey D. Nami. You tried to murder a lot of children, and experimented on them! That was bad enough."
"Wh-What do I care what some slutty cat burglar thinks of me!" Cesar snapped back. Strawhat and Sanji were at Nami's sides in an instant, all ready to beat the mad scientist even worse than before. Nami however held up her hand, and walked right up to Cesar.
"Then you made the mistake of threatening my daughter," Nami said, still smiling. "You're going to be our cooperative prisoner now."
"Oh? And what happens if I'm not?" Cesar asked challengingly.
Nami leaned down, and whispered into Cesar's ear. The clown-like mad scientist went even paler than Law thought possible. His eyes widened in horror, and his mouth kept opening and closing.
Finally, Nami pulled back, still all smiles.
"Understand?" Nami asked.
"Y-Yes," Cesar squeaked, watching her like an arctic rabbit might watch a snow lion.
"Good! Glad we could clear that up," she said cheerfully. She turned and walked away, Cesar never looking away from her in horror.
"Ace-chan, let's show Uncle Law your baby pictures," Nami said. She took Law's arm and pulled him up, Ace still holding onto his shoulders. "Since he delivered you, he should get to see them!"
"YAY!" Ace cheered.
"Oh! Oh! Can I come too? Can I?" Strawhat begged. Nami planted a kiss on his forehead with an adoring smile.
"Of course, Luffy!"
Law blinked and looked at Nami.
"What did you say to him?" He asked.
"You don't want to know," Nami said, still smiling that terrifying smile.
"Trust me, you really don't," Strawhat said, hugging his wife.
Law looked over at Sanji, who was back to his mantra about boobs. He turned back to the odd little family.
The Surgeon of Death sighed heavily. Then nodded as Ace tugged at his cap with a giggle.
"Show me the baby pictures."
"YAY!"
Buggy Stream
We see Buggy the Clown, Pirate Warlord of the Sea, relaxing on his couch before he speaks.
"Uggggh... Guys, seriously! Why do you want to know more about Strawhat and his navigator? That's all anyone's asking about!"
He threw up his hands.
"I'M pretty damn amazing myself, you know! Why not ask more about me?"
Buggy sighed, and waved a hand.
"But fine... I shall tell you about what I know of Strawhat Luffy. For you see! I was there at the start of his career! I was pillaging Orange Town, no issue there. Did it all the time in East Blue! That's when my bounty was a measly 15 million! Gosh, the memories."
Buggy shook his head.
"Anyway! Some stretchy kid comes in with this thief and his swordsman buddy, and they wreck my entire show! They beat up my lion! They beat up my knife thrower! THEY BEAT UP EVERYONE!"
Buggy coughed.
"Except for me! I mean, totally not me! I was in control the whole time! They only beat me thanks to a-a clever trick! YEAH! They locked all my parts and pieces into chests! Leaving me only my head! It was diabolically clever! The only way they could have beat me!"
Cabaji frowned as he leaned in.
"I'm not sure that's how that goes, boss-GAK!"
One of Buggy's hands punched him in the head. He winced.
"I mean, of course! It was diabolical!"
"DIABOLICAL!" Buggy repeated, reattaching his hand so he could gesture with it, "And even then! I could see that Strawhat had a thing for his young navigator! I mean, I heard that later, she dumped him in the water when she went back to the Arlong Pirates! Me, if some babe had done that to me, I'd have just been done with it!"
He stretched his arms around.
"The Buggy has got to be free! But no! This kid, he tracks her down to Cocoyashi Village! He learns that she's been the slave of Arlong, of the Arlong Pirates! He was sooo bad that even I, the mighty Buggy, didn't tangle with him! I mean, I was planning on it, but ya know... I had other things to do! Was taking my time! Building my crew!"
Buggy coughed awkwardly.
"ANYWAY! Turns out Strawhat learns the whole, sad story! His navigator was trying to buy back her village! From Arlong! And if you don't know Arlong, well! He charged her, what, 100 million berries? And she got the whole amount! In TEN YEARS! Then he just takes it, and is going to make her have to steal it all again!"
Buggy threw his hands up into the air.
"Well so of course Strawhat ain't gonna stand for that! His navigator turns out to have been a sweetheart the whole time, a great thief all to save her village! She's hot, she's noble, she's kind, and she's feisty! Of course Strawhat's gonna fight for her! Of course he's gonna save her village, and OF COURSE she's gonna marry him after!"
Buggy shook his head.
"I mean, what kind of bitch wouldn't put out for the man who did all that for her?! Ha! I'm betting they conceived their kid right then and there, and it's only because Garp CAUGHT THEM that they made it truly proper! In his eyes, anyway!"
Buggy nodded sagely.
"Of course, the fact Strawhat pulled it off against Arlong, I mean, ARLONG, is insane! But! That's the power of love for you! It almost brings a tear to your eye, about how noble it was! In fact, we have a skit showing just how it went down afterwards! Probably!"
We cut to a scene on an island. There is a grove of orange trees... Or trees with fruit in them painted orange. A woman, dressed up like Nami, beams and pushes her shorter hair back behind her ear.
"You did all this... Just for... What?"
"Because," 'Luffy' spoke, his back to the camera, "nobody makes my navigator... My woman... Cry."
"So... I'm your woman now?" 'Nami' gasped.
'Luffy' turns... It's Buggy in a cheap Luffy costume. He grins and holds the fainting 'Nami' in his arms.
"I'm a pirate... You stole my heart... And now I'm stealing yours," 'Luffy' growled.
"Oh, Luffy~!"
The scene goes back to Buggy in his studio. He shrugs.
"And then Alvida caught us and made us stop. She's so clingy, eesh! I wasn't into that actress! She's a nice girl, but all she knows how to do is make cotton candy! But yeah, gotta be careful about that around your girlfriends, guys."
"I'm not your girlfriend," Alvida called out from offscreen. Buggy groaned.
"Alviddaaa!"
Omake: Big News Morgans
Big News Morgan: "All right Jimmy, what'cha got for me?"
Jimmy: "The crackhead is now a father!"
Big News Morgan: "PFFFT! Seriously?!"
Jimmy: "Absolutely! I got the birth certificate and everything! And pictures, Boss!"
Big News Morgan: "Huh... She looks pretty healthy for a drugged out crackbaby!"
Jimmy: "Yes, but it gets BETTER. Look!"
Big News Morgan: "... Jimmy. These are pictures."
Jimmy: "Yes."
Big News Morgan: "Of Strawhat."
Jimmy: "Yes."
Big News Morgan: "With his daughter in some kind of armored backpack."
Jimmy: "Mmhm."
Big News Morgan: "AND HE IS USING THAT BACKPACK WITH HIS OWN DAUGHTER IN IT TO BEAT UP A DRUG POPPING RACIST FISHMAN! Is THAT what I am seeing, Jimmy?!"
Jimmy: "It is EXACTLY what you are seeing, Boss!"
Big News Morgan: "... We are going to sell SOOO many fucking papers, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "I know!"