One Piece: Strawhat Theater

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

Nami discovers the Strawhat Harem series and Coby resolves things.

Thousand Sunny

Nami was tightfisted with money. Obsessively so, at times. Even she could admit this.

When half your life revolves around money, you might develop some fixations as well! At least hers was practical!

Ultimately, it meant that Nami pushed as hard as she could for every single bargain she could get. She didn't pay a beri more than she had to, ever. Hell, without her stringent management, the Strawhat Pirates might be completely broke just from having to feed their insatiable captain's appetite.

Her daughter was a big eater too, but thankfully nowhere near the bottomless pit her husband was. Yet.

So it was rare, very rare, that she ever paid full price for anything. As rare as a friendly Sea King.

It wasn't like it was a huge purchase, even. Just an impulse buy.

Because, well... It was impossible for the book on the stand at the little island newspaper shop to not have caught her eye.

On the cover of the first such book was a stylized cover, with a bare chested, oiled up hunk posing, holding a buxom, orange haired woman in a torn up dress dramatically. All very normal for such fare and Nami had more than a few such trashy books she read for fun.

Two things had made the sale: While stylized, it was obvious the two lovers were meant to be Luffy and herself. The title even cinched it:

The Strawhat Pirate Chronicles: The Erotic Adventures of the Rubber Villain and his Female Navigator!

It was the first of many, many books, all by a Ilia Yuko Lestor. Twelve in total, with the thirteenth just released.

With all the trash fiction out there about the Strawhats, this shouldn't have garnered any more than a sneer or a scoff... And yet... The details on the covers were... Very accurate. Strangely accurate.

So yeah. For once in her life, Nami was an impulse buyer. She'd gotten the whole set, hidden it in her bag, and headed back to the ship.

Luffy and Ace-chan were still out (They both needed to see trees and run in the grass from time to time, and Nami was fairly confident they'd be fine), so she retired to her room with her husband. She locked the door. She turned on her light. She took a deep breath.

Nami opened up the first book... And began to read.

"Oh please, Captain Monkey!" The thief Nami begged, her breaths making her large, unrestrained bosom jiggle with each draw, "I only stole from you to free my village from the evil Arlong! Please, I beg you-Let me pay him off! Have mercy!"

The captain's grin split the night sky like the crescent moon. He lashed out with his arms, and pulled his squealing captive to his broad, manly chest.

"I was going to beat Arlong anyway," the captain chuckled, "He stands in the way of my plans. But now...? Now, I can claim a sweeter prize from him than power."

"Wh-What do you want?" The thief asked. Monkey reached out and stroked her face, relishing in her blush.

"Your skills are wasted on Arlong... I can give you so much more. I seek the One Piece... I will need a navigator. And I will need a Queen."

"I..." She shook her head. "N-No! NO! I hate pirates! You're all the same!"

"But I am more than a mere pirate," Monkey grinned, "I am more than a mere man. I will show you such heights of ecstasy your mind will break!"

"No! No, don't!"

"Yes! Kiss me!"

"MMPH! No-You beast!"

"Hahaha! Your mouth is defiant, but your body is more honest! Maybe after I make you fat with my child you'll be more appreciative!"

"NOOO! Don't touch me! Oooh! Especially not there! NO! Don't ravish my maidenhood! Nooooo!"

Nami flushed. The dialogue was trash, the characters were ridiculous. It was almost a complete farce, and yet...

"Damnit," she muttered, as she kept reading.

The archaeologist Nico Robin had thought she could seduce the captain, and become his new second in command. She had used her wiles on many such men before, all successfully. She would show that young, naïve little thief who the real woman on this ship was!

How wrong she was. She had approached the captain in his cabin, wearing naught but a robe, thinking the pale moonlight over her skin would entrance him.

The hatch shut behind her. She looked back, and her eyes widened. The buxom thief grinned, and grabbed Robin from behind with Seastone cuffs!

"I hope," Monkey said, rising from the bed with only a blanket to cover himself, "That eventually, you won't need those cuffs. But, safety first."

"Ooh," Nami moaned, "Take her hard, Master! Break her like you broke me!"

"You'll never break my will, no matter how erotic you two together might be!" Robin declared.

"That's what they all say!" Monkey laughed evilly.

... The brave Amazon Empress tried to resist, but Nami held her tightly as her captain, her master, loomed over her.

"Don't worry," Nami whispered, "Once you break, you'll be so happy with Master..."

The cruel captain reached out and cupped Nami's cheek.

"Yes... My most beloved woman," Monkey cooed, as Nami flushed proudly in her utter devotion to her master.

"N-No! You won't break this proud Amazon!" Hancock cried, but Monkey spanked her. "AH!"

"You'll change your tune once my child is in your belly!"

"Noooo! I don't want that! Especially not TWINS! Can I name one of them?"

"We'll see!"

"Of course darling-I MEAN YOU BRUTE!"

"Hey, Nami? Nami? Hello?"

Someone pinched her butt.

"EEP!"

Nami jumped, dropping the book. She stared at Luffy, who was standing there with a concerned look in his eyes.

"You okay?"

"Ah, uh, y-yeah!" Nami said. She checked the clock-And swore. Had she really been so damn consumed by these books she'd nearly missed dinner?

"Whatcha reading?"

Luffy picked up the book, and stared at the cover.

"Eh? Is that me? And you? But all... Oily?"

"Er, um, w-well..."

Nami bent her head in shame. As silly as it was, this almost felt like a betrayal. Her husband was so warm, and loving, and giving, and energetic in bed... And she'd gotten so engrossed in some third rate smut novels!

"What's wrong?" Luffy asked.

"Well... I saw all these books written about... About us," Nami said. "Us... As if it were..."

"Like Sanji's books?" Luffy asked. Nami nodded.

"Y-Yeah... But for women."

"What's the difference?"

"More words," Nami said dryly. Luffy made an 'o' with his lips, and nodded.

"Oh... So... Did you like them?"

"Eh?" Nami asked. Luffy grinned.

"Anything fun we could do in there together? I mean... This one's number 13. And I can see the others over there. So you must like them to read so much!"

Nami burned bright red, and poked her fingers together.

"Ah, uh... W-Well..."

"Nami," Luffy said, turning her head so he could look her in the eyes, "Anything that makes you happy, I wanna do. Cause you being happy makes me happy."

He grinned.

"Especially when it comes to sex!"

Nami flushed. Honestly, it should have been obvious that the second he got a taste for it, he'd be just as voracious for it as food.

"I have a lot of ideas, actually."

Fortunately, so was she.

Luffy pulled her into a warm kiss. She moaned into his mouth happily. He broke the kiss, and nuzzled her.

"All right... After dinner? We read these together... And let's do whatever seems fun, huh?"

"Y-Yeah," Nami whispered. She relaxed. She really didn't have anything to worry about, did she?

Still, as Luffy led her out of their cabin and down to the kitchen, one question did linger in her mind:

While the characterizations were laughable at best... How were so many of the other details right?

Uta glared across the planet out from a certain woman's video Den-Den Mushi.

"You sure his wife has to be involved?"

"Hey, Uta, darling, this is how the business works," the woman said with a shrug, "You get what you commissioned... But she's just as popular with the readers. That said... Your character is definitely going to be on top this time. That work?"

Uta sighed.

"... Very well," she nodded.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Miss Uta," Alvida of the Buggy Pirates said with a smile. She turned off the link, and looked through the commission request letters. All filled with details from women who had met the Strawhats. There was a stack of them roughly four feet high-And those were just the ones with enough money to be considered!

"Oh Strawhat," Alvida chuckled, "You've made me a very happy, very wealthy woman..."

Elsewhere, at a SWORD Marine Base

Coby hadn't woken up Conqueror's Haki... But that didn't mean his will was weak. While Kujaku's Whip-Whip influence was strong... It only took him a few minutes to break through the command to sit still like a good boy.

From there, it was all instinct and training.

First, he used Soru and Tekkai, combined with Armament Haki to grab Admiral Kujaku's whip away from her and tie her up with it. She squawked in shock as he kicked her legs out from under her. His Observation Haki screamed in warning, and so he again combined Tekkai and his Armament to deflect Hibari's bullets with one hand, and to stop Tashigi's sword with the other.

All three women gaped at him, as he breathed hard. He lifted his head and glared at them.

"This is not how Marines should act!" He stated. "Or friends!"

He glared at Kujaku, who flushed deeply.

"We are going to sit down, and talk this out like rational adults, damnit!" He let Tashigi's sword go, and crossed his arms as he continued to glare. "I-I'm sorry for being so rough but this isn't acceptable!"

Kujaku... Licked her lips. Hibari and Tashigi were both blushing furiously.

"You're absolutely right, Captain," Kujaku said. She slowly stood up, her hips swaying, as she loosened her whip from around her. She was the expert in wielding them, after all. "So... Let's all put our cards on the table."

She beamed at Hibari.

"Hibari-chan? You go first," she said encouragingly.

"Ah... Th-Thank you, Rear Admiral," Hibari said. She looked Coby in the eyes. "Coby-senpai... Since I met you, you've been a great friend and an amazing Marine! You-You went out of your way to get my precious bear back for me!"

She clutched her ever-present stuffed animal, as it hung off her backpack. She beamed at him with watery eyes.

"You're just so incredibly kind, and modest, and-and I really want to go on a date! M-Maybe where we could... Hold hands... Or-Or even...!"

She held her now brightly burning cheeks. Coby blushed heavily, and smiled back.

"I... I'm very fond of you too, Hibari," he admitted, and Hibari squeaked softly. He looked to Tashigi, who adjusted her glasses with a deep blush.

"I... You know my feelings for you as well, C-Coby," she said softly.

"And... You mine," Coby said. He looked at Kujaku, who smiled with such heat his blush burned even hotter.

"Oh... I admire you very much, Coby," she crooned, "Physically? Definitely. And I admire your spirit and strength. Whether or not it's love...? I can't be sure. But I want to find that out."

Coby slowly nodded.

"And I... I do think you're very beautiful, Rear Admiral. And strong."

"Aw, you sweetheart," Kujaku chuckled. "In all honesty though, the life of a Marine-especially now-is fraught with peril. It's very stressful. And there are... Ways of dealing with that stress that also improve kinship."

She strutted right up to Coby, and took his arm. She looked at the other two women intensely.

"Ladies? Come in close. I have a proposal."

"Ah?" The two other Marines glanced at each other, and moved in closer... Stopping a few feet from Coby. With a sigh, Kujaku unleashed Beethoven, and the whip cracked behind both women. They yelped, and grabbed onto Coby. All three began to blush furiously.

"That's better," Kujaku said with a nod. "My proposal is quite simple, Coby~. All four of us go on a date. I can teach you all the ins... And outs... And ins... Of romance. None of us gets jealous, we all approach this openly and honestly."

"EH?!" Tashigi and Hibari cried. Coby gulped. His Haki let him know that Tashigi and Hibari were frazzled, shocked, even a little angry...

But as they looked at Coby, and then at eachother... He could sense... Willingness?!

He turned an even brighter red.

"It... It would be nice to have a... A teacher in all this," Hibari said.

"Yes," Tashigi admitted, "My social training is... Uh... Rather lacking..."

Coby's mouth was very dry. He gulped once. Twice. He slowly nodded.

"W-Well... If you're willing to... To instruct us, Rear Admiral... I-I accept!"

"Wonderful~!" Kujaku chuckled. "For one thing...? You all need to get used to physical contact! Would it be all right if I used my Devil Fruit powers to help you? I assure you, I wouldn't do anything more than let you be more honest!"

Coby considered it. Even the admiral's use of her Devil Fruit before had been fairly mild. Tashigi nodded.

"It-It would speed things up... I agree!"

"So do I!" Hibari said, a competitive light in her eyes.

Coby nodded as well.

"We consent, Admiral," he said.

"Please, call me Kujaku~!" She tittered. She released her whip from holding the three Marines, backed away, then struck them all in quick succession.

"OW!"

"EEP!"

"Urgh!"

"Now then," Kujaku stated primly, "I want you all to be completely honest about your feelings, and express them as you want to. No holding back!"

The next day...

Rear Admiral "Prince" Grus grumbled as he stormed into the barracks section of the base. He waved around some paperwork he'd just received.

"Seriously?! Leave requests for all of them?! AT THE SAME TIME?!" He growled as he headed for Captain Coby's quarters.

"Just because Garp the Hero trained him doesn't mean he gets to go off and party!" He declared. "He'd better have a damn good explanation for this-!"

"Ah, sir," Lieutenant Commander Helmeppo said, emerging from his own quarters while removing some earplugs, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you-!"

"I'm in command of SWORD, Helmeppo!" Grus declared, throwing open the door, "Discipline and hard work is what makes this command function, and I'll be damned if I-!"

He choked on the rest of his sentence as his eyes bugged out.

Coby laid on his bed, his arms wrapped around Captain Tashigi, Commander Hibari, and Rear Admiral Kujaku. All were stark naked, barely covered in blankets, and sleeping soundly. All wore happy smiles as they snuggled together. The room itself was trashed, and the headboard of the bed was snapped clean in two.

Grus gaped, his nose bleeding. Helmeppo sighed, and caught the comatose admiral as he fainted. He dragged him out of the room, and quietly shut the door.

"Enjoy your leave time, Coby," he muttered as he carried the fainted Admiral, "But damn man, you're lucky I'm your best friend ever!"

He kicked open the door to his own quarters... Just as another SWORD recruit opened his and looked out into the hallway. His eyes bugged out as he saw Helmeppo carrying the Admiral like a bride.

"I-I-I'M TERRIBLY SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT!" The recruit cried, bowing before turning and running.

"NO WAIT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU-!" Helmeppo tried, but the guy went right into Soru. Helmeppo groaned and dumped the fainted Admiral on the floor.

"You're really gonna owe me, Coby! THIS DEBT IS GONNA BE REPAID, DAMNIT!"

Omake: Usopp's Win

Thousand Sunny

Zoro yawned. He'd gotten up early as he usually did, and gone out on deck to get in some exercise. He noticed a Mail Bird waiting on the railing. He strode over, and handed over some coins. The bird winged over a beat up package, straining in cord, before it flew off.

Zoro squinted at the name. He could make out 'USOPP', vaguely, and "KAYA"...

"ZORO!"

Zoro looked up, as the sniper ran up to him.

"Ah, speak of the devil," Zoro said with a smile. "Your mail came."

"Oh boy! More letters from Kaya!" Usopp said eagerly. He took the package, but the bindings fell apart and the whole thing fell in a mass of paper to the deck. "OH NO!"

"I've got it!" Zoro said, lashing out with his incredible speed to snatch the contents up. Zoro shuffled them into some kind of order, so that his friend could look through them properly.

"Geez, this thing must have gone through a hurricane-"

"ZORO WAIT!"

Zoro froze as he finally got a good look at the stack of papers. Most prominent was a photograph.

A photograph of Kaya, the very kind rich heiress Usopp had been friends with, that they'd saved from Kuro and his pirates.

A picture of said very kind, rich heiress... Wearing nothing but a pair of glasses and sexy stockings, sitting on her bed.

Zoro went bright red, as Usopp snatched the photos from his suddenly numb fingers.

"Ah... Uh... Um..." Usopp tried, "It-It must a be a prank! Yes! AHA! I shall seek out the dastardly scoundrels who-who would slip such obvious forgeries into my mail-!"

"Usopp," Zoro said, with surprising gentleness, "It's fine. Perona does the same thing."

Usopp froze, and slowly nodded.

"O-Oh."

"I'm honestly happy for you," Zoro said, with a small but genuine smile, "Kind of hard to talk to Luffy about married man stuff, ya know?"

"Heh, yeah," Usopp chuckled, looking fondly at the picture, "He can go a bit overboard-"

A dark and terrible energy fell over them both. They turned to see Sanji looming over them, his body producing a pillar of fire.

"Are you telling me," Sanji snarled, "That you two have been receiving SEXY PHOTOS FROM YOUR WIVES ALL THIS TIME?!"

"W-We're not married yet, Sanji-!"

"TRAITORSSSS!"

"SHITTY COOK!"

"LEAVE ME OUT OF THISSSS! I DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR THOSE PHOTOS!"

"LIAR!"

"USUALLY YOU'D BE RIGHT BUT NOT NOW!"

Alvida's pen name is a combination of the names of her live action actress, her Japanese voice actress, and her Funimation voice actress.