One Piece: Strawhat Theater

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

Main story is on hiatus (again) due to my muse being on RWBY. It won't be for another ten years though, promise. Just taking a break. In the meantime, please enjoy this brief fun section.

Thousand Sunny

Luffy was just relaxing, his cute little daughter cuddled up to him as he reclined on the grassy lawn. He'd been playing with her most of the day. Everything from hide and seek to tag to using his arms for swings, bungee cords, and lots of other fun things!

"Hey," Sanji said, walking up, "Luffy, Nami wants Ace to have some vitamins-"

Luffy grinned up at him and held a finger to his lips. Sanji smiled and nodded. He sat down next to them with a smile. Sanji fondly reached out and rubbed Ace's sleeping head.

"You know," Luffy said, "I've only known Ace for a few weeks, but... I would already do anything for her. She's fun, she makes me laugh... She even thought up some stuff for fun I never did! Even while I was teaching her!"

"That's the joy of being a father," Sanji said. "You get to take pride in your child learning what you did, and coming up with new ideas. To see them grow."

"Oh, like you and Old Man Zeff?" Luffy asked.

Sanji chuckled.

"Yeah... He could be a real hardass. A shitty bastard, and a slave driver. But... The pride he showed when I got things right? The way he cared about me? I guess he was feeling the same things about me that you are about Ace. Joy when he saw me growing up and becoming a good man."

Luffy grinned.

"I can't wait to do all sorts of stuff with Ace!" Luffy said eagerly. "I'm gonna be so proud when I see her win her first fight! And eat more than she weighs for the first time! And does something super cool with Haki! And-!"

"Uh, aren't those all things you want to do?" Sanji asked dryly. Luffy nodded.

"Sure! But I wanna see my daughter do that and more and I'm going to feel so happy about it!"

"There's a dark side to that, though," Zoro stated, walking up with a mug of beer in his hand.

"Huh?" Luffy asked. Zoro gestured for Luffy and Sanji to follow. Luffy let his little daughter stay behind. She curled up and slept peacefully in the grass, like an innocent little angel. Luffy smiled warmly, before walking over with Zoro and Sanji to the mast.

"What do you mean by that?" Luffy asked, tilting his head. Zoro finished his beer, wiped his lips, and looked intently at his captain.

"The darkside of raising a daughter," Zoro said. Sanji winced.

"Yeah, for once, we're in total agreement," Sanji said. Luffy blinked.

"What? What's wrong with Ace-chan being a girl?"

"You've seen Nami," Sanji said, "You know that Ace-chan is going to grow up into an incredible beauty!"

Luffy grinned.

"Yeah! I'm glad she'll be as pretty as Nami when she grows up-!"

"Now," Zoro said, "With her that pretty... She's gonna get a lot of attention from boys."

Luffy blinked.

"Well... What's wrong with that?" Luffy asked.

Zoro nodded to Sanji.

"You're the expert on this, pervert," Zoro said.

"Shut it, mosshead," Sanji growled, "I'm only doing this to help Luffy as I always have!"

Sanji cleared his throat. He looked seriously into Luffy's eyes.

"Luffy. Imagine your cute daughter becoming a beautiful, sexy goddess of a woman, like Nami-swan," Sanji said, "Now imagine a horde of boys all seeing her... Lusting over her... Wanting to take her...!"

Luffy blinked. He blinked twice... And his eyes narrowed.

"They what...?"

"Yeah," Zoro said, "Imagine a bunch of creeps acting like Sanji does, only without any restraints... All over your daughter."

Luffy's Conqueror's Haki erupted.

"HELL NO!" Luffy snarled. "NO BOY IS GONNA GET HIS GRUBBY HANDS ON MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER! I'LL BEAT UP ANYONE WHO TRIES!"

Momonosuke chose this moment to come out onto the deck. He scowled as he approached the lawn, his eyes locked onto the sleeping Ace.

"Hey! Ace!" Momonosuke shouted. "Wake up! You stole all the cakes I was saving!"

Ace woke up, sitting up like a snap.

"Cake? There's cake?" The little girl asked happily. Momonosuke's scowl deepened.

"Not anymore! You ate it all-!"

"Awww! I'm sorry, Momo-chan!"

Ace-chan got up, and hugged Momonosuke tightly.

"I'll make it up to you!" She said happily. Momonosuke patted her on the top of her head and grumbled.

"Fine... Whatever..."

Momonosuke felt Conqueror's Haki surging over him. He trembled and looked up. Luffy, Sanji, and Zoro loomed over him, their eyes nearly glowing from their rage. Ace beamed up at them, obliviously.

"Hi Daddy! Hi Sanji! Hi Zoro!"

"MOMONOSUKE," Luffy snarled, "WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY DAUGHTER?"

"INTENTIONS?!" Momonosuke squeaked.

Sanji grinned the smile of a vengeful demon.

That'll teach you to perv over our women, you little brat! Sanji thought viciously.

Swiftly, Nami brought her Climatact down onto Luffy, Sanji and Zoro's heads.

"IDIOTS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Nami shouted. "YOU'RE SCARING MOMONOSUKE!"

"Nami-swaaaan," Sanji moaned.

"Damnit, you witch...!" Zoro groaned.

"But Naaaaammmiiii!" Luffy whined, rubbing the top of his head. Nami shook her head.

"No buts! There is no excuse for you bullying Momonosuke!"

"BUT HE WANTS TO DATE OUR LITTLE GIRL!" Luffy shouted.

"I WHAT?!" Momonosuke cried. Ace grinned.

"HE DOES?!" She cried. Momonosuke tried to escape, but Ace held onto him tightly.

"ACK! LET ME GO, ACE! LET ME GO-!"

"NO!" Ace declared. "YOU'RE A PRINCE!"

"DAIMYO'S SON-!"

"PRINCE!" Ace insisted. "AND I'M A PRINCESS, SO WE SHOULD DATE! LIKE IN THE STORIES! AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"

"WHAT STORIES?!" Momonosuke cried, eyes wide in shock and confusion. He again looked to Nami for salvation.

"Nami, please, I don't know what's-!"

Nami's eyes were bright red. She wore the most terrifying smile Momonosuke had ever seen in his short life-And he'd seen Kaido smile!

"Oh... Is that so, Ace-chan?" Nami growled.

Her Conqueror's Haki is even worse! Momonosuke thought, amazed his mind wasn't falling apart into gibbering terror.

"YEAH!" Luffy said with a nod. "He probably wants to do lustful things to Ace-chan!"

"NO I DON'T!" Momonosuke shouted. "SHE'S TWO!"

"You're probably just into younger and older women, you perv!" Sanji snarled.

"NO! ONLY OLDER WOMEN!"

"So you'll be after her when she's older, huh?!" Luffy demanded.

"NO!"

"YES!" Ace-chan cried.

"STOP TALKING ACE!" Momonosuke cried. "I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER!"

"SHE'S IN YOUR ARMS!" Sanji shouted.

"SHE WON"T LET ME GO!" Momonosuke cried, as Ace tightened her grip. "URK!"

"THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!" Zoro snarled. "I'll carve him up good and proper, Captain!"

"I GET FIRST CRACK AT HIM BECAUSE SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!"

"SAVE SOME FOR ME!" Sanji growled.

"I wanna marry Momo-chan!" Ace said. "Then we'll get a flying castle, and a unicorn, and a fairy godmother-"

"WHAT?! I DON'T HAVE THOSE THINGS!"

"What's going on, Momonosuke-sama?" Kine'mon arrived on deck, looking perturbed. Momonosuke could have cried tears of joy: His loyal retainer had come to save him!

"Momo wants to marry my daughter!" Luffy shouted.

"NO I DON'T!" Momonosuke cried.

"YES YOU DO!" Ace-chan giggled.

Kine'mon coughed.

"Ah... Well, as his retainer, I suppose I have some authority in making arranged marriages," Kine'mon said. He produced several documents. "You will have to sign here, and here, as well as here-"

"WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT ON YOU?!" Momonosuke cried.

Nami then let up on her Haki, and laughed.

"Ohhh... This was a lot of fun," she giggled. Luffy blinked.

"Huh?"

"Hey, guys, I'm glad you're looking out for Ace-chan," she said, "But she's two. And Momonosuke's eight. There's no chance of romance happening between them! Relax!"

"Y-Yeah!" Momonosuke said with a rapid nod of his head. "I'm not remotely interested in her!"

"What's wrong with her?" Luffy snarled. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY DAUGHTER!"

"I CAN'T WIN!" Momonosuke sobbed.

Nami bonked her husband on the head.

"LUFFY!"

"OW! What?"

Nami hugged her husband, smiling warmly.

"I appreciate you looking out for Ace-chan, but again: She's two. And Momonosuke's eight. She's just having fun. All right?"

"Oh," Kine'mon drooped, "So uh... No arranged marriage-?"

"No!" Nami growled. Kine'mon coughed and laughed, tucking the papers away.

"Of-Of course! Ahahaha! I was just joking as well!"

"But you have those," Momonosuke protested, "Why do you have those-?"

"ANYWAY," Kine'mon said, "I'm glad we could resolve this."

"But Namiiii," Luffy protested, "I just want to protect Ace-chan!"

"I know," Nami said, "But we won't have to worry about that until she's in her teens. So! No terrorizing Momonosuke! ANY OF YOU!"

"Aww... Fine," Luffy sighed.

"Hmph," Zoro grunted.

"As you wish, Nami-swan~!"

"Go and play, Ace-chan," Nami said with a beam.

"YAY!" Ace-chan cried, dragging Momonosuke off. "LET'S PLAY MARRIAGE!"

Momonosuke groaned. He let the energetic little girl drag him off. He supposed it was better than any more mortification.

"I mean, as long as they're just playing marriage," Sanji shrugged, though he was seriously pouting.

"Oh yes. Nothing untoward about it," Nami said with a nod. "Of course... When she's older..."

She smiled ominously as her eyes glowed. Her Conqueror's Haki was back in full force.

"Then... We both get to terrorize her potential boyfriends," she said.

Luffy grinned, looking absolutely terrifying as he wrapped an arm around Nami's waist.

"I love you," Luffy said.

"I love you too, sweetie," Nami giggled, while still being terrifying.

Momonosuke gulped, just before Ace yanked him below decks.

Omake: Buffy Stream

Buggy is sitting eagerly on his couch, looing rather giddy.

"Hello, boys and girls! Have I got news for you! Burgerwood has introduced a new kind of entertainment! They call it a..."

Buggy held up his fingers in quote marks.

"'Movie'. As in a moving picture! And not a stationary one."

Buggy paused.

"Yeah I don't get it either, Burgerwood is weird. This 'movie' in particular is like a play. It's their take on Strawhat Luffy and Burglar Cat Nami's romance."

Buggy rolled his eyes.

"Of freaking course they'd make that. Bah! Anyway, here's what they call a 'preview'. Let's see what they've got! Roll it!"

In a harsh world... Love was the last thing either of them sought...

An actress dressed like Nami shakes her head as she looks into the eyes of a tall, muscular hunk dressed like Luffy.

"I hate pirates," she said, "I could never love one!"

"Maybe you haven't met the right kind of pirates," Luffy said with a cocky smirk.

And yet... Love is what they found...

Luffy threw his arms up.

"I WILL BECOME THE PIRATE KING!"

Nami and Luffy kiss under the moonlight aboard the Going Merry. An actor who resembles a pretty boy dressed as Sanji sobs.

"Why did you have to choose that idiot, Nami?"

Further away, a skinny, effeminate man dressed as Zoro sighs over Sanji.

"Why won't he just notice me?"

And further away... A black man dressed as Usopp with a dog dressed as Chopper shakes his head.

"Mah black ass!"

A body builder dressed as Arlong cackles, as he holds the struggling Nami.

"She's mine, you stupid human!"

"I'll free you, Nami! I swear it!"

"LUFFYYYY!"

Coming this summer...

The Usopp actor runs after the Chopper Dog.

"Dynomite~!"

Buggy shook his head as the film ended.

"Seriously... What the hell was that? And I'm not even in there! BAH!"