When Clark came to Lois about an undercover mission, Lois wasn't expecting this.
She can handle fake dating, so long as everyone is mature about it. She can dress up, dye her hair, or even kiss up to a few snobby douches if she has to. Extreme measures are needed sometimes, she knows; and in all honesty, she's been trying to get Clark more involved anyway. Yes, being Superman is a workload in itself, but he wouldn't keep up his reporting job if he didn't feel capable.
Well, maybe he would. He's never been good at knowing his own limits, funny enough.
Returning to her previous point, Lois has seen many different Justice League missions and investigations in her time. But what she's stumbled into has both proven a complete waste of her time and skills, and a front-row seat to watching Clark's love life spiral into chaos.
"You only got us one room?! You're a billionaire!" Lois stands with her hands on her hips. She knows Bruce Wayne better than Batman, but no matter the identity, this is an absolute disgrace to his reputation.
One room for four people? Four people that are, in fact, not dating each other, let alone married! Honestly, what good is all that wealth and influence if he doesn't use it every so often?!
Clark opens his mouth to smooth things over, but Lois holds up her hand to stop him. His jaw closes with a snap.
Bruce doesn't look at her when he responds, too busy putting away his million-dollar shirts. "It's all I could get on such short notice. I'm sure we can find a suitable arrangement."
There are two beds, thankfully. Two queen beds fit for a couple each. A relatively thin couple, not built with the mass and height Clark is.
"Fine. Diana and I share. I'm not sleeping next to either of you." Lois points to Clark and Bruce. "I'm not falling out of bed because you lot take steroids."
Diana's voice holds laughter as she looks back from the open balcony. "I'm taller than both of them."
"I don't have problems with the vertical dimensions, Princess," Lois says.
"Fine." Bruce huffs, as if he's the one putting up with nonsense. "We'll..." He glances at Clark. "figure something out. But in the meantime, I want to establish some rules."
Diana rolls her eyes from afar and Clark visibly bites his cheek. Oh joy.
"First, any information you find on West and Carter must be shared. If someone learns something, we all need to know."
That seems fair, considering there isn't really an Adam West and Lynda Carter aboard. Who knows what 'clues' the boys will find before they realize it was a setup.
"Second, we will be cut off from any real service, so use your League-issued communicators if absolutely necessary. Also, don't trust the ship's wifi. It's always risky at best."
Typically paranoid Batman, but Lois can handle being off her phone for two weeks. Probably.
"And Lastly," Bruce's eyes narrow. "I have a ten thousand dollar budget for this mission. All food is pre-paid, but extras are not. Please stay within the limits."
He...he can't be serious. "How is it possible to even spend that much within two weeks?" Lois gasps. She could have a fancy cocktail with every single meal and still not scratch the surface of that budget.
"Bruce," Clark lays a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I appreciate the preparation, but we've seen far worse. If anything, I think this will be one of our easiest missions yet! Open air and excellent food? It beats Warworld by a long shot."
Bruce grumbles in his Batman way and Lois decides she's seen enough. Be careful and don't get arrested. Easy.
"Well, if that's all, I'm heading to the pool. Join me if you want." Lois grabs her flip-flops, sunglasses, and a pack of sunscreen.
Jimmy's going to be so upset when they get back.
Despite the mushy couples and entitled old people, Lois is already thoroughly enjoying her first expensive drink and an outdoor showing of the Titanic, ironically.
The others have joined her after whatever League business they had left over. Bruce is across the deck, hiding away in the shade with his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned halfway down. He looks like he's sleeping, but Lois catches the way his eyes remain on the pool.
In said pool, Clark and Diana talk animatedly about who knows what. Their dark hair drips down tanned and bronze shoulders. A warrior's strength and a farmer's build make them stand out against the average rich person, but they don't seem to mind.
It is hilarious to watch the few looks of jealousy, though. If only they knew.
"Can I sit here, Ma'am?" An old, soft voice pulls Lois' attention. She pulls her sunglasses down her nose and looks up to see a grey-haired woman gesturing to the chair beside her.
"Go ahead," Lois sits back again.
She only gets maybe a minute of silence.
"You know, I do love seeing the young couples on these trips. Ever since my husband died, I've been so lonely. But folks like you and that young lady remind me of the good years we had together."
Lois is about to flat-out ignore her, but she pauses at the 'you and that young lady' bit.
"Which lady?" Lois asks, confused.
The old woman stops layering sunscreen over her spotted skin to look at Lois properly. "Oh, are you not with that woman over there? The one with the gorgeous hair?" She points out to the pool.
At Diana.
"Her? No, she's just my friend. I'm here with the guy next to her." Lois also points, even if it's kind of pointless when so many bodies are moving around.
Strangely, the old woman looks concerned. "Him? I thought he was with..." She looks away from the pool and at Bruce. Lois knows it's Bruce because no one has bothered to sit next to a pale vampire who looks already drunk out of his mind, despite being sober -a skill she had no idea was possible until properly meeting him.
"They came out of the same room," The old woman continues, clearly thrown off. "And they look at each other like...Oh, well I suppose it's none of my business." She's gone pink in the face.
Lois sits up to look at Bruce again. Then Clark. Then Bruce.
That bastard is checking Clark out! It's so obvious now that it's been pointed out to her, especially as Diana leaves the pool to dry off and his eyes still remain on Clark. He might as well be drooling for god's sake.
And, yes, she can't fully blame him. Clark is wearing the very tight spedo gifted him at last year's secret santa at the Planet. The bright red garment hugs his body almost painfully, with the Superman crest stretched across the ass. Lois laughed her head off when he opened it.
Now, an opportunity has been placed in her lap. Lois can stick to the script and wave this off as nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and move on from this literal stranger.
...Or, she could play into it, because this is a vacation and there's nothing to lose and endless entertainment to gain.
"You know, it's funny you mention them." Lois waits for the old woman to look at her again. "They used to be a thing, a few months back. Engaged and everything. They booked this cruise before everything fell apart but even if they've fallen out of love, my friend, Clark, didn't want to waste the vacation time. Sadly, we're still stuck sharing a room with his old flame and the girl he's pretending he loves."
The old woman gasps.
"I feel bad, honestly. They keep looking at each other, and I just know that if Clark's parents approved of his relationship with another man, they'd be celebrating their honeymoon."
Lois knows Ma and Pa Kent would never be so bigoted, but she'd rather slander their names than bring Bruce's parents into this. She'll apologize if they ever find out, which is highly unlikely.
"Oh, bless them..." The woman sounds close to tears, a hand placed over her chest. "And they broke up just for that?"
"Well, there was a whole argument too. Bruce, hawaiian shirt over there, wanted to stay together and marry in secret, but Clark just couldn't do it. They said some nasty stuff, from what I heard." Lois clicks her tongue. "I just hope they can settle things by the end of this."
"Those poor souls..."
There's another stretch of silence. Eventually, Lois figures the conversation is done and her fun has been had. She sits back again to watch the movie, only for a shadow to cast over her from behind.
"Hey, Lois!" Clark beams, a towel -dwarfed by his wide shoulders- wrapped around his torso. "Care to sit in the hot tub with me? Diana's getting lunch."
God, the old woman stares at Clark.
"I'm fine, Clark, thanks. But you could probably convince Bruce to get in with you." She says it just to see the woman try to cover her surprise in her hands.
Clark's smile falters when he looks over the deck. "Uh, I don't know." His eyes shine with something very interesting, but it's gone before Lois can look at it further. "Well, you know where to find me if you change your mind."
And with that Clark is throwing off his towel and settling into the hot tub.
"My word, it's worse than I thought." The woman sighs.
Lois smiles to herself and takes a long sip of her drink. This, she needed.
By the time dinner rolls around, Lois has fully enjoyed the pleasures of the top deck. She's come down from the buzz of her cocktails. The last thing they need is her being tipsy for the start of whatever super fancy dinner this cruise has in store for them.
"We should've gone first." Lois hears Clark grumble from beyond the room's bathroom door.
"Oh, shut it, Kent! We're almost done!" She shouts back as she carefully applies the last of her mascara.
She's dressed in a simple dark blue dress that reaches to her knees. With black pantyhose, sharp heels, and a silver necklace, she looks ready to go to one of Bruce's big galas. Her hair is brushed to the side, leaving her face open and exposed, just like she does during interviews. It's a psychological thing, Lois is sure. It gets people talking more openly when they can see her properly.
And, sometimes, it gets them off-topic, but that's not the point of tonight.
Diana, beside her, has brough a white Amazonian drape that's tied around her hips and shoulder. The end trails by her ankle, just barely above the ground. She looks exactly like the Goddess she is and more. It leaves a jealous little bubble in Lois' stomach, but it's easily ignored. Surely Bruce will act as a fine 'date' for her, even if Lois could do it better.
"Are you-"
Lois pulls the bathroom door open with a cruel smile, cutting Clark off. "Done! Now get ready, Boys. We don't have all day."
Clark huffs at her as he passes and Lois smacks his shoulder with a roll of her eyes.
Unsurprisingly, the boys do take less time and they're out in less than an hour.
"Do they teach kids how to groom themselves in Kansas, or is it just you?" Bruce grumbles as he attempts to do something with Clark's curls.
Clark bats him off with clear annoyance. "I look fine, Ma, thanks for asking." That gets Bruce to stop, at least.
Clark, for once, is wearing something that actually fits him. It's not snug by any means, but the cuffs land just right around his wrists and the lack of a suit jacket shows his vest is buttoned close to his chest and stomach.
Bruce, on the other hand, is wearing expensive everything and has, again, styled himself to look as close to a mob boss as possible without actually crossing the line. He has a little white rose in his suit pocket that is likely his identity's staple or something along those lines. It's definitely a stretch from playboy Brucie Wayne.
Together, the four of them leave the room and head down to the cruise's restaurants. From there, the two pairs split off, leaving Lois and Clark alone.
The restaurant itself is lovely. Dim lighting and a warm atmosphere that gives plenty of romantic intonations to the hundreds of couples likely eating here tonight. Already, Lois can see a few of them gazing at each other like love-sick puppies while their food is prepared. A few others chat happily, but the live jazz band does well to hide any conversations from prying ears.
A host guides them through the sea of tables and Lois feels Clark's hand tighten on hers.
"Three people have metal bone replacements and only one is in the face. I can't see anything else unusual." Clark mutters low in her ear.
Lois pretends to giggle at what he said as she considers this. The plastic surgeries may not have bone-deep changes, then. They can check out that last option further but-
Then, she quickly remembers that the mission is fake and whoever he's searching for isn't here.
"We'll keep looking," is all Lois supplies. If the investigation stays this subtle for the next few days, then it'll be easy to manage.
She just has to hope Clark doesn't use any other methods as their 'deadline' comes closer.
"Oh, I know you!" A familiar voice calls out to Lois and she stops. The elderly woman from before is waving at her with a broad grin. "Come sit with me, would you? If you don't mind."
Clark gives Lois a look of surprised confusion but Lois ignores him in favor of settling down at the wide table the woman has taken for herself. Two plates are set in front of her and the chair beside her, but the other five are empty.
Hopefully, this will save them from any need for fake flirting.
"Hello, again." Lois greets easily. "I don't believe I got your name last time, Ms..."
"Phyllis Coates, but you can just call me Phyllis."
"I'm Lois and this is Clark," Lois places a hand on Clark's shoulder, letting the touch linger for longer than she typically would. "Clark, do you remember her? She sat next to me at the pool."
His smile is genuinely apologetic as he shakes his head. "I'm afraid not, Ma'am."
The woman -Phyllis, places a hand over her heart. "Oh, it's no bother to me. I don't like to stand out much anyway. In fact, I was just waiting for my- Oh, here she is!"
From the right, a uniformed woman sits beside Phyllis, where the extra plate is set. She's younger than Phyllis, but not by more than maybe ten or twenty years. Grey streaks lead up into her bun, coupled with ashy brown. She has a very severe face and frown lines around her lips and eyebrows, but her smile is convincing when she offers her hand to both of them.
"A pleasure. I wasn't aware we were having guests." She glances at Phyllis.
"Oh, just a few friends I've met."
The conversation is left there for the time being. Crew members come along to give Lois and Clark their plates and menus. Lois only opens it once Phyllis has done the same.
She recognizes very little on this menu, which means this is way above her pay grade. She eyes the swordfish, then decides on something with more substance instead. As nice as it may be, she'd like more than a few bites worth of food tonight.
"So," Phyllis picks up again, "Where did you two meet?"
Before Clark can open his mouth, Lois is setting her menu aside and dominating the conversation. "Oh, we were childhood friends." She didn't bother telling Clark about her little story earlier, mostly because she thought she'd never see this woman again. But for tonight, she can steer the topic how she needs to get by. After that, Phyllis gives a passing greeting, but little more.
"And how long have you known Bruce, if you don't mind me asking."
Lois' grips the edges of the menu tightly.
"Bruce?" Clark blinks. "I...wasn't aware you knew him."
"Lois told me a few things and I was just curious about the two of you. I don't mean to overstep, if feelings are still hurt." A sadness crosses into Phyllis' gaze.
Clark, again, looks completely lost, but he recovers quickly. "No, no, we're fine. We're on, uh, good terms now."
Phyllis' entire face lights up. "Oh, that's very good! Amy," She gestures to the younger woman. "Why don't we invite them over too? Lets see if I can remember..." She's looking out at the restaurant, eyes scanning.
Lois, too, scans the room. She spots them at the same time as Phyllis.
"There! With the gorgeous woman in white, you see? See if they wouldn't mind joinging us, would you?"
Amy nods, then gestures to one of the servers with a nod and hand gesture. Lois watches with building dread as the same server stops at Diana's table, points to them, then clears the empty plates as he escorts the pair.
Both of them give Lois a look and she fights the urge to groan. Why are old people so friendly?
"-Diana, and this is Bruce."
Lois tunes back into the conversation after she's schooled her panic.
"Yes, I've heard! I was just asking Clark where you two met."
Bruce and Clark are sitting with Diana between them, but they still exchange a long glance before Bruce easily picks up where Clark can't. "On the field. We met often before I became sheriff."
"A firefighter!" Clark nods along.
Phyllis looks like she could melt. "That's so lovely. So so..."
When the silence gets unbearable, Clark continues. "I left my farm home in Kansas to pursue my dream of...fires. It may not pay much but it's an honest living."
"Kansas, you say?" Phyllis recovers with a cough. "That does make sense. So many people from there are just so stuck in the past. Leave it where it is, I say."
Clark nods along slowly.
Before Phyllis can give more away, Lois steps back in. "Amy, was it?" She addresses the other woman, who has stayed dead silent. "Are you a crew member?" She gestures to the uniform nearly identical to that of the cruise's crew.
"Oh, this is my daughter, Amy West," Phyllis says. "She's not much of a speaker, despite being the events director, hm?" The mother shakes her daughter's arm in tease. Said daughter grimaces.
"I prefer not to prattle on like my mother," Amy sits up straighter, somehow. "But yes, I'm the events director for this cruise. I manage the scheduled entertainment and its organizers. It takes more work and dedication than most would think."
Phyllis smiles at them like she's sharing a secret. "You should've heard her months ago. She was going on and on about inviting Aquaman! He declined, sadly, but it would've been quite the spectacle."
Lois nearly snorts. She can't imagine Aquaman agreeing to sit on a cruise ship and entertain millionaires for a paycheck.
"Is your husband also a part of the event crew, Amy?" Bruce asks. "It would fit the theme of the cruise, I imagine."
Amy's lip twitches. Either to frown or smile, Lois can't tell. "No, my husband doesn't have the organizational skills I do. He's much better suited for the art auctions we'll be having on Sunday."
"You mean those paintings in the lobby are up for auction?" Clark's eyes go wide. "They must fetch a high price! They're all so beautiful."
Amy does smile this time. "They are. We collect them from only the best."
Conversation dies and returns in waves. Their food is ordered and arrives quicker than Lois thought possible, but it tastes like she's died and slipped into heaven. Despite proper dinner etiquette, she asks to try Clark and Diana's meals, and the request is returned. Bruce gives them looks from his side of the table, but Lois can't much care when she's tasting free -for her- food this good.
Dessert rolls around and Lois moans at her Tiramisu, Clark's black forest slice, and Diana's lemon lavender cake.
By the time they've gives their farewells to Phyllis and Amy, Lois is full and ready for a good night's sleep.
She flops down on her bed as soon as they return to the room. Diana laughs and flops beside her.
"I'd say tonight was a success, all things considered." Bruce talks like he's giving a verbal report.
"Everything was so good and Phyllis seemed very kind." Clark agrees.
Lois kicks off her heels and tosses her necklace to the floor beside them. "I don't think I'll ever go back to my own cooking."
"It won't stay this good the whole time," Bruce says. "They eventually run low on ingredients and the fruit starts to go back, so get it while you can. After that, you'll look forward to shore trips more than and more."
"I think I hear this little squeaking thing in my ear," Lois mimes plucking something out of it. "Oh, it's a cynical little bat."
Clark frowns. "Be nice, Lois. He's right. Besides, as nice as this is, we still have a mission."
Diana sits up and Lois watches her hair pull from the bed like thick, black water. "Why don't you two compare notes while Lois and I get ready for bed? I'm sure you noticed more than we did. I will admit, I was quite captured by the food and environment as well."
"Fine. There should be a private office we can use." Bruce leaves the room and Clark stumbles to follow after him, having already taken off his dress shoes.
Once they're both gone, Lois shares a knowing look with Diana.
"You want to know what I really told Phyllis?" Lois smirks.
Diana falls back onto the bed. "Spare me no detail."