Hello, it is the 23rd March and my best friend's birthday so I am back to upload this gift for her! Every year there is some deciding to do as I ponder what kind of story I am going to write for her for her birthday. To be fair, all of my stories are for her because they are about the world we created together! I had a stint at the beginning of the year where I was writing lots of notes and new ideas about Misty's father, Jordan, and then I wrote this. I immediately knew I wanted it to be a gift for Shannon! I think it blends the old and the new. We can see a more recent subject of James and his closeness with Jorginho from Team Rocket. But it ties in with some stuff in the past too - and stuff I haven't tackled properly but still wish to. Like the title suggests, this story is very much about Jordan. His past. But mostly his bond with James. I hope you all enjoy, but especially you, Shay :3
Just a warning, Jordan has PTSD from serving in a war and he has an intense reaction to hearing the fireworks. Pretty much a panic attack/shutdown. The chapter has some war related details and mental health aspects when Jordan is dealing with his shutdown. Perhaps skip this chapter if you'll find that upsetting!
Ages:
James: 47
Jorginho: 47
James (Flashback): 32
Jordan (Flashback): 32
The bangs, pops, whizzes, and rainbows filling the sky on firework night came to a momentarily lapse and everybody gathered in the garden of the Morgan Household turned to each other and gushed in different ways. I smiled in a way that I hoped engulfed the sky with a different kind of brightness.
What a spectacular evening!
However, there was quite a sad reason that we were all able to gather on that day. Because of this, after I turned behind me from sitting on the edge of the window ledge and shared my marvel with Katie watching from the inside of the house with her daughter, Alice, I turned my attention towards one of the hosts of the gathering.
James.
My smile softened and my eyes creased around the edges as he processed the lapse in the excitement alone. Yes, we were missing three people particularly important to us. And it didn't surprise me to see his usually careful self, appear to hush down even more, pulling on his lower lip as he stood there in his black long coat, pondering what to do next.
I would've jumped down from the window ledge and gone to chat to him. Katie wouldn't have minded – she much preferred the sanctity of the breakfast room with her daughter while all the loudness and color erupted on the other side of the glass.
But you see, while James' fingers fell from his mouth and clasped together unsurely in front of his chest, he had somebody else approaching him. And I had the smallest feeling in my gut that he would've made him feel a lot better than I could.
Now that the display was momentarily over, and he didn't need to ignite the fireworks with his good friend, Oscar, who was also at the gathering with his wife and their three boys, Jorginho made a beeline for James to go and say hi to him. No doubt did he sense the energy he was inadvertently giving off – begging for someone to distract him from the twisting sensation he felt snaking in his own gut.
Jorginho broke the silence washing over James by nudging his shoulder against his before playfully reaching for his hands that had been rubbing together for comfort even though it was quite a mild November night.
He made a joke out of things. He could make a joke out of anything.
"You want to hold my hand?" Jorginho humored James, not needing to flutter his eyelashes at him and his hands not hesitating to cup over his. I couldn't help but wonder if they were a lot warmer than the other males appeared to be. "Some of those bangs were pretty massive."
Jorginho's head couldn't help but lift over to the portion of the sky above Jessie and James' garden where only moments ago, color seemed to fill every inch of it and begged for the attention of everybody below.
Now that the sky wasn't empty, his big brown eyes couldn't take on an array of distinct colors like they had after he set the different boxes alight with Oscar. Instead, they filed with something else. And it was this something that made him look back over at James, his attention homed in on him in the seconds before he even found his voice.
James mustered a chuckle, able to run a hand softly through his lavender locks once Jorginho removed his hands from encapsulating his own though I suspect that he did not want to break away so soon.
In the same way that he concocted his well-practiced chuckle, James painted a meaningful smile on his face. His voice, however, could not put on a display as honest enough as what the fireworks had to offer.
"No..." James began in a mumble. He wanted to be able to say something else. Wished to be able to joke. How he wished that he were like Jorginho and able to make a humor out of even the most turbulent of times.
Usually, he too had that ability. But since the firework display had come to a momentary halt, it was like he couldn't breathe so easily anymore and he was the one rendered exhausted, as if he had been the entity filling the sky and swirling around and around for everybody so see.
And now that he had admitted that he wasn't feeling so good without having to spell it out – Jorginho was quite the master in deciphering his ways – he felt even worse.
James tried to muster a second chuckle; this time paired with extra breath escaping from his lips. But as his meadow eyes blinked, they couldn't hide the truth. And it was Jorginho being able to read him like he could understand the musings in his most personal journal without laying eyes on the scribblings, that caused him to reach out to the other man a second time.
Even though they were in front of more pairs of eyes than just mine, Jorginho possessed no qualms about breaking the distance with James. He took hold of his face in his two palms. And he asked him, his voice softening down and his brown eyes latching onto him, prepared for anything.
"Are you okay?" Jorginho asked. And that was the sentence that burst the dam. It was that sentence that tipped James over from holding everything together to spilling over. That was the question that sent James from being able to make sense of his surroundings to suddenly wondering where on earth he was.
James was drawn down, down, down the deep well of memory and he did not know for the life of him how he was going to get back. All he could hear and see and heck, even smell, was the past. He flinched as if a firework had boomed but the sky was silent.
The sky, however, wasn't silent on that day back then. The sky wasn't silent on the day that was beginning James to remember.
Somebody was begging James to remember them.
It had been just a normal day. The fact that he was able to label it as that was astounding because Jordan and Lynne were visiting earth, and it was the second time that they had been able to do that that year!
It had been so great getting to know them both that year. It was wonderful that it had coincided with James taking a week off work so not only was he able to spend extra time with the children and Misty too but then Jordan and Lynne had come in tow.
What an amazing couple they were. Jordan didn't really like to give away too much in conversation at all – the most he would relax into some kind of conversation was when he was sat in Ash and Misty's new living room, and he was using their coffee table to whittle bits of wood into different shapes.
Lynne, on the other hand, was quite chatty, whatever she was doing! Across a cup of tea in Misty's kitchen, he learned how her parents had met, how young they had been and how, for her, nobody could ever compare with Jordan.
You would think that it would have been Lynne and all her chatting that would've worked up quite the appetite to need a takeaway for tea! But it had been Jordan, with his watchful, silent demeanor, and he had spoken up for the first time and actually stated what he wanted for dinner.
It was quite surprising to James when, after he volunteered to be the one to go and pick it up, making a mental note to text Jessie that he wouldn't be home for dinner, Jordan broke away from what he was doing on the living room table to fetch the food with James.
So, half an hour later, there they were standing in the queue of the fish and chip shop outside Rifure Village and waiting for their order. James hadn't thought anything of it when Jordan mentioned that he wanted to wait outside after about ten minutes of waiting in line. It wasn't as if they'd made it past small talk while they waited and besides, Misty had mentioned once or twice before that her dad did get quite restless.
Someone other than James might've thought it would be peculiar that someone who was so restless would be able to spend so many hours upon end crafting little water Pokémon out of wood and making sure they were carved to perfection. But he kind of understood.
That was a time that he could chill. A time that he could express himself. Not that he would have ever dreamed about spelling the words out, but he suspected that that was Jordan's way of showing affection to those he loved.
Since settling into the home of his daughter, he had left his love everywhere in little shapes for his grandchildren and even wafting out from a smell in the kitchen by baking cupcakes for Misty.
It was interesting to see such a doting dad. Misty's memories of her parents had been a little few and far between since she had been so young when they passed away but what had always been a beaconing lighthouse of a memory was her father's kindness. His involvement. And his big kid energy! But James had yet to see that.
Standing patiently in line and waiting for their order to get called, James couldn't help but wonder if there were even more sides to Jordan waiting to be revealed. He never could have dreamed that not only would he go on to be one of the people that Jordan trusted with all his sides, but on that day, this notion would not just remain a wonderment.
It was not quite a wish. And yet it still got granted.
James almost missed their order number being hollered because in the seconds after he was having these kinds of thoughts about Jordan and Lynne too, he heard some distant rumbling in the sky. He took the opportunity to pull his phone out of his pocket.
Ah, of course. It was November 5th.
And dammit – he had forgotten to text Jessie where he was. But that would have to wait. He hurriedly placed his phone back in his pocket and darted closer to the countertop. Their order was ready.
James thanked the teenager working behind the counter, wished them a good evening and picked up the plentiful bags of food in his arms in sort of a hug and headed on his way, needing to open the door with his foot on his way out and then also his back to soften the blow of the door banging in case the wind blew. It made an unnecessary clatter.
But that would be the last of everyone's worries, he would go on to learn. Either way, other kinds of noises were certain to fill the fish and chip shop because they were filling the car park of the food place.
Jordan was standing right there but James' eyes first of all travelled upwards towards the sky where vibrant colours were filling it, accoampanied with loud fizzes and bangs, and he couldn't help but smile at the fireworks.
James took a step forward closer to Jordan while still looking up, intending to give the bigger man a nudge with his shoulder since his arms were occupied with embracing over the bags of food to keep everybody's dinner secure. He also was preparing to raise his voice lightly above the sounds in the sky, telling Jordan that they should get some sparklers or something and have some firework fun while he and Lynne were around.
But, you see, James did not need to touch the other man to get the feeling that something was off. He moved to stand next to Jordan and crane his head to get a better look at him and it was as he did this that he realized that something was very wrong.
Jordan's face illuminated by the fireworks lighting up and booming in the sky was extremely clammy in appearance, and as his lips were parted, James could hear very deep and strangled breathing escaping from his mouth.
James didn't hesitate to twitch into action, dropping all of the bags downwards and he turned to face Jordan head on, about to reach out with him and with his touch as well as his words, making sure that he was okay.
"Jordan, are you okay?" James asked, his hand only just beginning to break the distance with the other man, intending to land a touch right on his shoulder as his own mouth began to grow sandy and he could feel his heartbeat behaving like a butterly in his chest.
And it wasn't because he realized that Jessie would be displeased if he forgot to tell her his whereabouts!
James' touch had tried to extend and reach out to Jordan. But it never got there. In the second after James asked his question and as Jordan's top lip grew even more like he had been caught in a rainstorm instead, all of the sudden, the most collosal bang of the firework filled the sky.
It was gorgeous! It was a dandelion shape of blues and purples and even a touch of reds and it surely made everybody in the nearest vicinity turn to look.
But the sound was not just gorgeous. For Jordan, nothing about the display was miraculous. For him, it was terrifying. And he snapped into action from his frozen state, managing to let out one whimper before he suddenly bolted away from James and across the car park.
James sprung into similar action while the display continued above everybody's heads. The food on the floor was the last thing that he cared about as he sprinted after the other man, silently praying that the chase didn't give him even more anxiety but he felt that he needed to do it because he had a feeling he knew exactly where he was going.
He didn't call Jordan's name, he didn't want for him to think he was really being chased because he couldn't help but have an awful feeling that something quite serious had made him react like that. All James could do was follow Jordan as he made a beeline for the car. He was close on his tail as somehow, in his panicked state, he remembered where they had parked and followed it with not too much difficulity.
James' pulse that was thudding in his chest felt like a shattered vase with what he saw next, in spite of the fact that he could still feel his heart was very much alive. It was desperatly pumping in his own throat.
Jordan let out a second whimper as the chaos did not stop above his head and with eyes squeezed tightly, he banged his fist on the glass of James' car door as if that would open it. And with his lips parting another time, he croaked out desperately:
"Help... Help..." he muttered, one hand feebly banging on the glass with a clammy fist and his other hand shielding his eyes as if it was the rainbow filling the sky that was bringing him pain. But surely it was the noise. "Let me in..."
For half a second, James thought about letting Jordan know that he was there by placing a hand on either of his broad shoulders. But thank goodness he wasn't so foolish. Thank goodness he didn't take the time to debate whether or not Jordan realised that he was actually there or he was speaking these words to nobody – or to anyone.
After quickly whipping his hand through his own hair by way of comforting himself, James' hand slipped into his pocket and he pressed the magic button to open his car doors.
"Get in, Jordan. Get in." he told him, surprised that he had managed to croak out concisely from the way that his tongue was suddenly feeling like it was taking up a lot of room in his mouth. "Do you want-"
James didn't have time to finish the rest of his sentence, whatever it was. He didn't have a chance to ask Jordan if he wanted him to open the doors for him or he wanted him to go back to the fish and chip shop and get him some help.
Jordan's eyes refused to part, and his hands clamped over his ears now that he had managed to focus his trembling right hand enough to open the door of the front passenger seat. He darted onto the seat and flopped down.
James watched, swallowing as he didn't surrender down onto the front passenger seat and instead tumbled right into the back, seeking refuge there as if he was somehow safer there. He needed to tousel his hand through his hair a second time as he shut the door for Jordan, taking a minute to contemplate.
There were a few things that he could do:
He could go back and fetch their food and hope that the smell of their order would remind Jordan why they were there and snap him back to the person that he had been before. But James would never do that. He wasn't the type to brush things under the carpet and besides, that was quite a serious reaction.
James knew that he needed to do the right thing.
He could have gone back to the resturant to see if there was a first aid worker there but again, like the first option, that would require him momentarily leaving Jordan and that could make him feel even worse.
He could phone Misty. Alternatively, he could phone Lynne. He had her number. They had exchanged it on the couple's visit the year before.
He could phone Jessie. That would explain his absence. But what else would that do other than save his own skin?
Right there and then, his own skin was clammy as he thought about what to do. But then it dawned on James. Maybe he didn't need to think. Maybe he just needed to do. Maybe he just needed to do something. Be intutiive. Be there for the other man because he clearly needed somebody.
James knew what it was like to need somebody. And he also knew what it was like to sometimes get the wrong help from somebody. Because of that, he just had to hope that he was able to do the right thing by Jordan.
Clicking the door of one of the passenger seats open, James climbed inside and sat on the seat next to Jordan, going further than just shutting the door behind him and actively locked all of the doors behind him with a click of a button.
Very slowly for his own benefit as well as Jordan's, he turned over his shoulder and to look at the other man. He was still gasping heavily out of his mouth and his nostrils too, his knuckles appearing whiter than a ghostly decoration on Halloween as they pressed vehemently against his ears to block all of the sounds out.
Jordan's eyes were squeezing tightly shut as if they wanted to block any semblance of reality out. But to tell you the truth, he didn't know exactly what reality was. He was terrified. Frightened. All sorts of memories were flashing through his mind like a crazy memory reel and he couldn't stop it as little as he could stop himself from gasping out.
He remembered the bombs. The blood. Oh god, the oozing blood. He had never wanted to fight. Had never wanted to be part of any of that but he had once signed up and he needed to see his obligation through.
The bombs. The blood. The peers of his that never made it. The injuries that he had tried to fix himself but to no avail. The life on the boat. The other men. The taunting. The jeering. The blood. Why couldn't he stop thinking about the blood?
But then, in the next second, why couldn't he think about that again instead? He started thinking about other memories against his will. Some before his time fighting in the war. And some after.
His brothers. Chasing him on a beach. Getting him up against a rickety wall and them not seeming to care when his blood smeared across their knuckles. His sister. Fuck. His sister. Morgan. It was his fault. It was all his fault.
It was always his fault, wasn't it? Lynne had to go away. He had to raise his four daughters all on his own but he hadn't been able to. He had been a great big failure, hadn't he? He didn't know what to do without Lynne so he-
James watched sadly, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat like a ship lost at sea as he gulped his emotion back, not watching his tightly squeezed eyes setting tears free from them but Jordan's nostrils did this for him.
He was shaking so much that he could feel the car rumbling all around them while the fireworks boomed above their heads.
James knew that he had to try and calm him down.
"Jordan, I don't know what to do right now." he let these words escape from him before he could stop them, his voice as flat as the tarmac of the car park all around them. "I don't know whether I should drive you away from here or..."
James had let these words escape from him without thinking but now almost all of them were out there, he couldn't help but think that they were the wrong ones. The last thing that he should have done was to admit to a frightened man that he didn't know what the hell to do.
But that was the truth.
He had considered clambering into the driver's seat and driving them both away but what would happen if he drove them elsewhere and even worse fireworks boombed there? What if he drove Jordan back to Misty's but that wasn't what he wanted? What if he didn't want anybody to see him like that?
Maybe that was why he was hiding his face.
Maybe even just James seeing him like that was the worst thing on earth for him.
The fireworks didn't stop swooshing and wizzing and fizzing and banging above their heads. James for half a second wondered if focusing on the fireworks would help him. Perhaps he was like a child who didn't know what they were and the confusion was scaring them and he would feel better with an explaination and exposure?
James scoffed privately and silently to himself. No, Jordan wasn't a child. Far from it. He guessed that something terrible must've happened to him to react in such a way.
Whether it was the wrong thing or the right thing to do, James edged slightly closer to Jordan, still studying him carefully and after licking some moisture into his dry mouth, he tried again.
He was unable to not set free another bought of his own vulnerability.
"I don't know whether you want me to touch you or you just want..." This was another sentnece that remained incomplete.
Like a dusty old puzzle from an attic that had a piece missing in the crevice of a long forgotton armchair, words fell away from him gently before actions gave him a lot of thinking to do.
At the same time that James' hand gingerly reached out to Jordan, the mightiest boom yet filled the sky, rattling the car, and it made him retract his touch at the same time that it forced the other male to bring his feet up on his seat.
As he did so, he pressed his knees firmly into the sockets of his eyes and he continued to cover his ears with his hands, more than just his shoulders shaking as he was near enough rocking his body back and forth at that point.
James felt awful. He just didn't know what to do at all. He knew that there were certain ways in which he coped with things a lot more straight forward than this but he didn't think the fish and chip shop sold alchohol – and he was certain that Jordan wouldn't let Misty near him again if he suggested something stronger!
For some reason, James thought back to when he was a child. There had been quite a few occassions that he had been balled up in a similar position to Jordan, hiding in a closet or under the stairs or somewhere or other and he had been hiding from his parents. Or one of their friends. Or a teacher. All of them were equally as slap happy.
He had never quite found the best way to soothe himself until Growlie had come along, and even then it pained him to admit that he wished that his beloved Pokemon had been able to offer him words of comfort. Words of reassurence. Words of anything really.
Taking another look at Jordan and tilting his head, James suddenly wondered if Jordan was the same. Not that he was a sad and lonseome child, no. He wondered whether he just wanted James to speak. To just say something. Anything.
He thought about asking him. But a longer look at him made him realise that he was too far gone for any decision really. Jordan needed someone to make a decsion for him. Whether it was the wrong one or it was the right one.
James gingerly shuffled even closer to Jordan so that he was perched in the middle seat rather than the one on the left. He remembered that Jordan's daughter was Misty. She certainly told him when he had done the wrong thing! So he decided to just trust that, if he was doing wrong by the other man, then he would be told.
He just had to try something. Anything. James just had to be the person that he wished that he had during his loneliest times. He didn't know if he could be as comforting as a glass of wine or a rolled up piece of paper containing something or other – but he just had to try.
To tell you the truth, James nearly as much as Jordan wanted all of that to go away for him.
"It's fireworks out there, Jordan. That's what's making all the noise." James started, taking a chance by offering his hands to Jordan, placing them both over his ears so he had something extra blocking the noise out. "It is quite loud. But you are safe in here. In my car. With me. You're safe with me. I know that your mind and your body is telling you that you are not safe. But I promise that you are."
James watched tentatively as Jordan reacted to what he was saying. He did not react overtly. He did not react massively. But perhaps that was a good sign. He did not use his muffled voice to suddenly bellow and tell him to shut up, nor did he shove his hands away.
Jordan's eyebrow on his tense brow merely twitched as James' voice sounded very far off because of how many hands were securing his ears but he could still hear them. And he could sense the calmness enveloping them.
James continued.
"We can do anything that you want to feel better. We can get out of here or we can stay here." Jordan's eyebrow didn't twitch a second time, giving James any indication of what he wanted, so he just figured that his best option was to keep speaking. "When you're frightened, time can feel very slow. But I promise that you'll get through the other side of this and at some point, there will be silence."
For half a second, James was paranoid that Jordan wanted him to be as silent as he wished the fireworks would be!
But then he felt Jordan's own throat bob up and down as he remained tucked sitting up in his little fetal position on the other car seat. And he seemed to trust James just enough to remove his own hands from his ears and to allow James' ones to be the ones protecting him, his hands shielding his eyes for another occasion.
James tried not to focus on the fact that Jordan was revealing enough of himself again to show his lips to him. He saw that they were still drenched in sweat. But they weren't trembling quite as much as they had been outside.
His hands cupped over the other man's ears, he mumbled to him just one more time.
He caught himself off guard from the way that this time, it wasn't just vulnerablity that pooled out of him. It was honesty too.
"I really like you, Jordan. Really admire you." James said, he lower lip falling into his mouth for comfort as he could have sworn he saw the other man's nose twitch as these words fell out of him. "I'm sorry that this moment is so hard for you. But this time that you've been on earth with Lynne has been really fun for me. So maybe it would be fun for you to think about all the things you've done since being here."
Surely at that moment, Jordan wished that he was back up there because at least it was quiet and not filled with fireworks! But whether that thought danced across his mind or not, James felt convinced that he saw the other man's shoulders twitching.
He did not know whether he was trying to shrug his shoulders in a no. Or he was trying to say that it had been just as fun for him too. Well, all the other stuff had been fun.
But for once, James did not care. He did not care about decipering. He just knew that Jordan had heard his words. At least he knew that he wasn't alone. At least he had people who loved him. Had people who loved him what state his mind was in.
James knew how he had exited the world. But this was the first time that he realised that he had a lot more to learn about Jordan. And oh how he wanted him to learn. If he ever felt safe enough to share, of course.
James' words seemed to put peace into motion. Or perhaps – like all good things, even all bad things must come to an end – and even vast firework displays have a finite time. In the next few minutes, after a couple of hairy seconds where Jordan's knees begged his eyes to bury back aginst there again, the bangs and pops and fizzes and whizzes came to an end.
Jordan did not relax immediately, of course he could not. His body had been in a deep state of terror and it would take quite a while to come down from that level. And besides, he was a bit worried that there would suddenly be an encore and it would start all over again.
But one minute passed. And then another minute passed. Those minutes turned into five whole minutes. Then ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Twenty-five. Eventually, a whole half an hour passed - both James and Jordan watched the hand on the clock of James' car as it moved through the numbers.
James' muscles and bones began to unclench. Jordan's couldn't do so immediately. But they at least wanted to. And that was a good sign. James was very certain that he wasn't going to get much eye contact from Jordan going forward. He didn't at the best of times, but this had been a tulmulteous occasion for him and besides, it was difficult for some men to appear the opposite of invincable. To appear frightened. To be vulnerable.
James was stood correct when, after the hand of his clock twitched a couple more times past the number six on the clock face, Jordan with his chin pressed down on his knees, ran a hand through his clammy blonde locks and he looked at him for the first time since being in the fish and chip shop.
Feeling his heart skip a beat before catching up with itself and hammering loudly in his chest, James copied the motion with his own hand in his hair and he tried a smile at Jordan. It was if they were two same ends of a magnet then and James' smile forced Jordan to look away.
But he didn't mind when, after he tussled his hand through his locks all over again, sending them inadvertently spiking straight up, Jordan discovered his voice for the first time since being outside of his throat.
He cleared his throat awkwardly. But James had told him that he was safe. He just had to hope that he meant safe to express anything, and not just safe from the fireworks.
"I uh... I... I haven't heard noise like that in a very long time." Jordan confessed and James listened, nodding his head. He waited to listen to more but more did not come. That just had to be enough.
Of course it was enough.
That confession spoke volumes in its simplciity and it was enough for Jordan so it was more than enough for James. Jordan resumed looking away, his chin still pressed against his knees and his bloodshot eyes with irises the hue of green algae reflecting the sea acting as if the buttons on the door of the passenger seat were the most interesting thing in the world.
James would have liked to press his back against the back of his own seat but he was still sat in the middle seat and with his body turned towards Jordan. He would have liked to say a number of things too. He would have liked his questions answered. He didn't know if Jordan meant that fireworks didn't exist up there – or it was the sound that the fireworks reminded of what he hadn't heard in a long time.
In the end, after tucking his hair behind his ears now that he was sure that he didn't need to bed his hand in his locks for comfort anymore, James had only one question that he wished would get answered.
Tilting his head softly on the one side, he asked Jordan:
"Do you want to talk about it...?" he wondered before backing away from the other man this time, giving him space and pressing his back up against the door on his side and waiting for what Jordan had to say.
Part of him hoped that he had the capacity to hear everything if Jordan wished to confess some things! Truthfully, that whole display of Jordan's - through no fault of his own – was exhasusting. And he was suddenly as starving as Jordan had claimed to be as his tummy had grizzled while whittling away in Misty's living room!
Another segment of James knew that he would find the capacity no matter what. Jordan revealed parts of himself in bits of pieces and when the whole picture came together, surely it would be a lot. But if Jordan felt called to share, then James believed that he would feel called to hold space.
But this didn't happen anyway.
Jordan's head spoke of his answer as he shook it from side to side before his mouth did. But just like his daughter, his mouth soon spoke it also.
"Nah." he said, his lips pressing together afterwards before they parted again, running a hand through his hair another time ahead of that touch moving down to massage his own eye sockets now that they weren't filled with a million flashing memories. "I really, really don't."
Jordan was looking away because his thumb and his index finger were still massaging his closed eyes and James respected his honesty. His respected his own impulsiveness a whole lot less. But in the end, it led to something that Jordan really needed, not that he before knew it. And it was something that James needed too. And this was something that before he knew even less.
You see, James respected his words so much and was so glad that Jordan really was coming to the other side of his terror like he hoped that he would that while he was still focusing on massaging his eyes, he held his hand out to him.
He meant it by way of something for Jordan to shake.
But after Jordan's own hand moved away from his eyes and went back to his lap and he spied James' hand stretching out to him, he interpreted it to be something different. Between you and me, he had wondered why James hadn't offered him a lot of touch while he was going through it. But at the same time, he understood it too.
His parents hadn't been huggy people either. His brothers even less, only using their body parts to inflict pain on him! He himself went in between being overly affectionate to not offering it in the slightest at all. But James didn't know that then.
James then was offering him a handshake. But Jordan believed it to be something different. James didn't even have the chance to ask Jordan if he was okay as his eyes dropped dwon and he spied the hand.
All of a sudden, Jordan's feet were planted on the floor of the car and he vaulted his body into James, accepting the hug that had never been offered. James would have gasped if the wind hadn't been knocked out of him!
It was lucky that he had quite good recovery time.
While Jordan equally relaxed against him as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut, thinking how peculiar this felt, James went with his own intuition for another occasion and hugged the other man back. Soon enough, he felt his own eyelids fluttering back. And he smiled to himself.
How big Jordan felt. How powerful. How sturdy. Certainly stuff existed underneath that exterior that he didn't know about. But all that stuff didn't make any difference. All of that stuff didn't make Jordan seem any less the man that James was beginning to get to know.
In fact, as James' arms remained around him and Jordan's cheek pressed against the side of his shoulder with his eyes firmly shut, he realised that Jordan was growing only more and more in his eyes. More admirable. More wonderful. More lovable.
More bloody amazing.
James wished that he had told him that more in the past few months that they had spent together. Certainly wished he had told him that on the last day that they had had together. James was thinking of this as his reverie hit its climax.
Jordan and Lynne had always returned to him. But there was always that awful, gut-wrenching possiblity that anytime there time could be up. And anytime, they might go back up there and never come back.
James didn't know how he was ever going to face that reality. But first, he had to embrace the reality that he was then in. And return to it.
He suddenly realised that he had left Jorginho waiitng for some sort of answer from him with his hands on his face for a very long time. It was James' first instinct to shake his head as he was welcomed back to the world we were very much all in and to remove Jorginho's hands from under the watchful eye of whoever was watching.
But fortunately, he was as quick to find his senses as he was to find his voice – and the truth – now that his flashback was over.
He might have ecnouaged Jorginho's hands away but he then linked his arm through his so that they could stand side by side and feel closer for more reasons than just James giving him an answer.
James still felt like something was missing. A great many things. But he knew that bringing one of those things back to earth via word of mouth would make that missing piece of him feel alive all over again.
"I'm okay." James didn't exactly tell the truth at first. But honesty bled out of him in the next couple of seconds. It couldn't help but after Jorginho gave Oscar the signal that it was okay to let Ash help with the lighting instead – and his other hand held James' wrist while their arms were linked. "It's just... Well... Someone that I care about very much used to hate fireworks." James explained. Jorginho listened. "He's not around anymore. But I still can't help but hope that, wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he is okay tonight."
As Jorginho listened, his own head tilted slightly on the one side and his brown eyes blinked behind his think rimmed glasses. They flashed and not because the light of a couple of guests' sparklers hit the lenses.
For half a second, he wondered if this person that James was thinking about was cared for by him in the same way that Jorginho cared about him.
But then all of a sudden, it didn't matter. He saw the situation for the singular way that it was in his mind. A smile stretched Jorginho's mouth wide in a grin at how caring James was – and how honest he could be. And yes – how many people could be inside his heart.
Jorginho pulled James closer to his side by squeezing his bicep even tighter around his. This time as another question filled his mind, he couldn't help but ask it.
He nudged James' hip through his coat with his own.
"That's lovely." he began. They were standing side by side but James' body was turning. He always felt safe in the presence that Jorginho offereed. He was one of the few people who cared for him rather than James being the caretaker. "Did you think things like that about me when we were destined to be apart?"
Jorginho lifted his spare hand to adjust his glasses on his face. They flashed with a million different colours. And this time it wasn't sparklers of the guests. It wasn't even a question. The fireworks had been lit all over again and this time, by Ash and Oscar.
James didn't have a chance to answer. His neck craned upwards as a rocket filled the sky and instead of an answer, what boomed above the heads of more than just he and Jorginho was an explosion of purples and pinks and blues.
Jorginho didn't seem to care that James didn't give him an answer. Instead, he pulled him closer against his side and as they stood side by side, he rested his cheek against the top of his head before pulling away.
He knew the deal.
James had a lot of eyes on him. James had a lot bubbling around inside him. He had a lot of people missing on that night. He didn't care all that much about having to be subtle. He didn't even care that much who was brewing on his mind instead of him.
James was just around. And that was enough. People were missing from their lives. And that was sad. But because of that, it also made them able to share that night. They were able to share more than just that night because of the absence.
As Jorginho got stuck into viewing the next display of fireworks, James removed his arm from Jorginho's and moved to hold his hand instead. Jorginho didn't want to make a big deal out of it by turning to face James but the squeeze of his hand that his digits felt made it apparent.
James squeezed his hand back. And as he held it, he held more than just Jorginho close to him. He held Jessie who was still away with Jaxon and would be returning soon. He held Misty who he would always love no matter what – who funnily enough had to look away herself as she saw her best friend falling in love for yet another occasion.
He held it for Lynne. She had opened his heart up so much. That was a curse as much as it was a gift.
And of course, he held it for Jordan. He had always wanted to hold his hand like that in front of everyone. And now he could. In his own way.
Jordan hated fireworks.
But as James looked at them filling up the sky on that night, part of them hoped that he could see them even though he hoped that he couldn't hear them.
They were a sign that their love would always be alive. It was just up to him whether he wanted it to be or not.
The End.
There you go, thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! So yeah, a little bit of an intense chapter at times but I have a feeling that Shannon will enjoy this chapter more than any sort of fluffy one I could write. We have a joke that we love our characters so much but for some reason always give them difficult stuff to handle. We like the angst :D I really want to write more about James and Jordan this year. It's always something that I've wanted to but nobody is really meant to know the core of it all so it's been tough to figure out how to tackle it. But we'll get there! For now, I hope you all enjoyed this look into a character that Shannon and I adore so much - Jordan. He's made up of so many complex things. But he's always a joy to write about so hopefully he's been a joy to read about :3 I hope you have a wonderful birthday, Shannon! As always, thank you so much for all our wonderful times and conversations and I couldn't be prouder of the person you've become :) Thanks again everyone else and I'll be back on the 28th to update Rocket Daze so perhaps see you there and then!
Amy signing out :)