The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has hit the campaign trail. This just came to me. Yeah. This election…This makes sense.
Cobra Commander For President
"And now a message from Cobra Commander…" Destro's voice spoke over Cobra's insignia as it was played all over America on every TV, iPad and computer.
The scene was shown as a mockup of the Oval Office. With Cobra Commander at the desk. "Greetings America! I've been watching your election…And having some real good laughs. I admit it. It's the comedy event of the year! I haven't laughed this hard since the time the Dreadnoks got stuck in a giant cannon!"
"They survived but still…Valliant effort by the cannon."
"But I think it's time we got serious, don't you?"
"That's why I, Cobra Commander am formally announcing that I am running for President of the United States!"
"I think it's time we finally give America the leadership it deserves!" Cobra Commander explained. "Under Cobra, America can be really great again! Not that it wasn't great before. I admit it. You're one of my better adversaries."
"Why do you think I keep going after you? I love America! Your food! Your culture! Your art! The way you people really seem to get that rich people are better than most of you and worship them with reality shows. Can't beat that!"
"I'm going to tell you good people my plans for reinventing and reorganizing America! When I'm done you won't even recognize the country!"
"From what I've heard some people already don't recognize this country."
"First of all, is the question of the border," Cobra Commander explained. "Yes. I am a firm believer in border security! Walls, border patrols, cybernetic dogs, kill-bots the whole bit. The real problem is the border itself. It's just not in a good easily defendable location."
"When I become president the first thing I am going to do is move the border," Cobra Commander pointed to a power point presentation. "Right down to Guatemala and Belize. Because that border is a lot easier to defend! Much smaller land mass and the rest we can use ships and remote-controlled sharks."
"Plus, this would solve a lot of our immigration problems because if we annex Mexico they'd be automatic citizens and have to pay taxes!"
Cobra Commander looked at the map. "You know what? While I'm at it we might as well take Guatemala and Belize as well. Much smaller border and Belize has some great resorts. Plus, Belize's official language is English and they use the same measurements system as America! That would be an easy transition!"
"And it would give America more states. Win-Win!"
"Now I know what you are all thinking. What about the drug cartels? Easy. First, we execute the bankers backing the drug cartels. We have so much to learn from George Carlin."
"After a brief purge we will get the cartel leaders under control," Cobra Commander added. "The ones that survive and learn to play ball. I'm also thinking of annexing some of the cartel soldiers and assassins into our military. To build it up! Might as well have them patrol the new borders because they're more familiar with it."
"I'm also thinking of legalizing more kinds of drugs. Let's be honest half of you people are on drugs and the other half should be."
"By legalizing drugs it cuts down on drugs and boosts our economy! I'm also planning on legalizing insider trading and pardoning people convicted of that. That's right Martha! I've got your back!"
"Well except for those people who were also backing the drug dealers. You guys are on the wrong side of history. But for the rest of you who were just making a profit off of the economy…Hey, you can't blame a shark for being hungry right?"
"I also wish to address prison overcrowding," Cobra Commander spoke up. "I am for prison reforms. Many prisoners can be rehabilitated. AKA brainwashed into fine upstanding citizens. Those that are too far gone…Well, there is an organ donor shortage in this country so that solves that problem!"
"I also plan to give our overworked prison guards better pay and lots of kill-bots and cybernetic dogs to help them."
"Another problem is our crumbling infrastructure," Cobra Commander added. "Our roads and bridges are hopelessly outdated and falling apart. With Cobra technology and using robotics and some slight slave labor…"
"Did I say slave labor? Sorry. That was politically incorrect of me. I meant programs for rehabilitating prisoners. And possibly half of the cast of the Real Housewives series."
"See? When I say something wrong, I admit it! I don't need to lie about it!"
"Especially when there are a lot of other things you lie about," Crystal Ball was heard.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Ignore him. That's a pollster. Fake news!"
Cobra Commander went on. "Now let's talk about the economy. I am all for increasing wages. Especially for fast food employees. Might cut down on them screwing up the orders and spitting in your food."
"Yes, raising their fee to a livable wage is possible under my administration. Because with all the new robot technology we're going to be putting out, corporations will only end up having to pay 2 or 3 actual human workers per restaurant anyway!"
"Oh, like everyone is lining up to work at Burger King?"
"That leads me to job training and job program placement," Cobra Commander spoke up. "Obviously we need more jobs in several fields. Technology. Electrical. Plumbing. Robot repairs. Robot manufacturing. Microchip manufacturing. Weapons manufacturing. All those jobs will be available for good wages and training!"
"It won't be that hard to get the new factories running up. All we have to do is take over abandoned malls and empty Amazon warehouses."
"I hear what you're saying. 'Cobra Commander, I may not be technologically gifted to do these things? What about me? The person who has to call tech support to update my phone?' Well, that's where our friend Mr. Microchip comes in."
"Or Ms. Microchip depending on your preferences."
"Instillation is not only free, but lifetime warranty on service. And we will offer free into your brain streaming services for the first two years and then following a lock in price of only 4.99 a year! 4.99 a year! For life! I pay more for that for a cup of coffee nowadays! What a great value!"
"On healthcare I will replace the current system with Cobra Care! Also, only 4.99 a year! Let's face it the insurance companies are a racket! They jack up prices so high even I think it's criminal!"
"And that's a high bar to pass," Crystal Ball was heard off screen.
"I also believe in the value of farming. America's heartland and breadbasket. I want to support small farms and farming communities. Two words. Genetic modification."
"Look we all know Cobra is capable of producing giant vegetables. We all remember what happened in Chicago in the 80's. Why not put that to good use?"
"I also believe in America's veterans," Cobra Commander added. "Revamping the entire veteran's program. Giving vets housing, start-up money for businesses, cybernetic limbs. The whole nine yards!"
"Under my administration veterans will get decent housing. Mostly because we'll kick a few people out of their own homes. Mostly in Beverly Hills. It's time the 1 percent pay its fair share."
"Seriously I've been watching some of those real estate programs. Just one of those million dollar homes out there could house six to twelve families with room for a pack of dogs, some cats, and a bowl full of goldfish! And some of those homes have built in home theaters, gyms, pools, and bowling alleys! You could fit a small town in one of them!"
"That's not a bad idea actually. Making small towns out of those things. They could always make parks and gardens in the back yard. We'll look into that."
"I also will change the constitution so that only veterans or anyone who has served in our military can vote," Cobra Commander added. "I admit it. Those Starship Troopers movies have the right idea."
"What the hey? Even GI Joes can vote. I mean they have to have something to look forward to while they're stuck patrolling Greenland. I can be magnanimous in victory."
"I also support the second amendment on weapons. I just think we could use better weapons. Honestly which sounds cooler, a laser with a stun setting or a plain old AK 47 with bullets? Yeah. Lasers are cooler."
"It's the new millennium folks! It's time we got lasers! And flying cars! Yeah! I'm on board with that!"
"Turn in your old guns, we give you new ones with lasers! How great is that?"
"It's not like we're not going to put a microchip in them anyway to…"
"Moving on…" Cobra Commander caught himself. "The so-called Star Wars program. It needs an update. No, we are not going to make an actual Death Star. I think we all have figured out those things are a boondoggle that don't really do much against rebels anyway. Just build a fleet of halfway decent TIE fighters and we're good."
"Also, we're planning on a new bounty hunting incentive program. There's some new jobs right there!"
"I also believe in colonizing the moon and Mars and the rest of our solar system! I've already picked out a few people we can send there."
"Plus, it cuts down on overpopulation."
"Now for America's other enemies…Let's just say I don't like competition. I'm making a list. That's all I'm going to say for now."
"My name is Cobra Commander…And I am a Swiftie. I admit it. Yeah Taylor. I got your back too!"
"I will be tough on crime," Cobra Commander added. "Stricter sentences for telemarketers for example. Those people annoy everybody!"
"I'm also planning on making US territories like Guam and Puerto Rico states. We need more states! More states! More people! More taxes!"
"I believe in solar power. The problem is we're using it in the wrong places. We put enough solar panels on our moon and one of those moons orbiting Venus, we can power up the planet with no problems!"
"I also believe in using natural resources. From other countries. Why should we use up our oil reserves when plenty of our enemies have more than enough for us to take? Just saying."
"Yes, I will conserve our natural parks and wildlife. One, parks make money. And two if we bring back enough endangered species, we can start eating them again! I've already got Mindbender working on bringing back the dodo for our farms!"
"I'm also for cutting down the population of the non-feathered dodos in this country. You all know who they are."
"Obviously I believe in building up our space program. I've mentioned my plan for colonization of the moon, Mars…And Jupiter has a ton of moons flying about. Odds are one of them we can set up a mining colony or something."
"This will also solve our illegal alien problem," Cobra Commander added. "As well as our homeless problem and cut down on prison overcrowding. I mean come on, we can't execute everybody in prison! Especially the white-collar criminals. They want to make money, let them go mine for it!"
"I also believe in supporting our country's teachers. I want them to have higher wages. And access to mace and tasers. They need it!"
"Which brings me to my education reforms program," Cobra Commander went on. "In addition to the tasers and mace, I think teachers should have more authority over students. Let's be honest…They spend more time with your kids than a lot of you do. In fact, I think they should be allowed to grade the parents as well!"
"So vote for Cobra Commander! A vote for me, is a vote for security, stability, and…"
"Insanity," Crystal Ball quipped off camera.
"Like we don't already have that!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You have a point," Crystal Ball admitted.
"My name is Cobra Commander and I approve this message," Cobra Commander did a thumbs up.
Back at the Pit, several Joes watched the whole thing. "Every time I think old Snake Face can't get any screwier…" Shipwreck groaned. "He tops himself!"
"In hindsight we should have known he'd pull a stunt like this," Flint remarked. "Heck I'm amazed he hasn't done it before!"
"Any other election it would be ridiculous," Shipwreck remarked. "Then again…"
"Oh, come on!" Duke snapped. "Does he really think that any American would fall for…? And even as the sentence was coming out of my mouth…"
"He's already polling favorably, isn't he?" Beach Head groaned.
"Yup," Mainframe looked at the computer.
"Literally coming out of my mouth as I said it…" Duke groaned.
"I don't know," Beach Head shrugged. "He does have a point on telemarketers. And executing bankers backing drug dealers."
Everyone looked at him. Beach Head went on. "And Martha was given the shaft! Just because she was a successful woman! Come on! And maybe he has a point about adding more states to the US?"
"Okay that's just scary," Flint blinked.
"No," Mainframe blinked. "The scary part is that he's already polling 11 percent. That's higher than RF Kennedy!"
"To be fair," Shipwreck remarked. "The dead tapeworm in his brain polls higher than RFK."
"This is insane!" Duke barked. "Cobra Commander isn't even a US citizen!"
"I think in this election that might be a plus in his favor," Beach Head groaned.
"Don't worry," Shipwreck waved. "There's no way he'll get past the Electoral College."
"I always wondered why we still had that," Mainframe remarked.
"As if this election wasn't weird enough," Duke groaned.