MAMANO SMACKDOWN

(Don't get raped, 's as simple as that!)

White hot sunlight struck my eyes, and hoh did that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick…!

I'm also on the ground. As in like, dirt-ground. What the shit.

Standing up from my splayed out position on the grass, I survey my surroundings, and I'm quickly reminded of the small patch of woods nestled between my house and a nearby line of train tracks: Towering verdant Maple trees, and a forest floor rife with dead leaves, smaller plants, and shrubbery.

But that's where the similarities end.

This place ain't small, that's for sure. Back home if I was fucking around in the woods a look in any direction would net me the far-off sight of a building or road. Here though? It's trees as far as the eye can see.

This is… well, I was gonna say fine, but it really isn't.

"… I can't believe they got to me dude." The tree mafia will have their way with me yet, it seems. What a shame.

No but actually I'm super fucked. Where the hell am I?

"How about I just pick a direction… and start walking. Yeah." Unironically what else do I do in this situation.

I mean, it's not a bad idea, is it? I'm no stats guy but I feel confident in saying that statistically speaking I'll reach civilization eventually.

Distantly, I hear a bird chirp.

Running a hand through my black hair I look down at my clothes. Beat up black Adidas, blue shorts held up by a belt, a white tee-shirt, and above that a white Hawaiian button-up.

I pull at my shirt to air it out. 'Issa lil' hot out here. I might take the button-up off later, or maybe just unbutton it, I dunno.

I continue my trek through the woods for like, another 10 minutes. Still no signs of familiar buildings, or anything human at all, really.

… Y'know, I'm reminded of the time I went hi—

"Crunch crunch crunch crunch-…" The sound of crinkling forest leaves echoes from behind me. I turn around and- holy shit—!

I throw myself to the side, just in time to avoid collision with a speeding brown blur. The animal-thing halts it's speed to turn and face- what the fuck am I looking at.

My ass thought I was being rushed down by a bear or something, 'cause of its obviously brown fluffy legs! But from the torso up it- or she, I guess, is very human…!

"Hi!" On top of the animal girl's head of brown hair stands an equally brown pair of floofy rabbit ears. "I'm Tana!"

… Tana seems nice. I give er' a ginger wave, cause I don't really know what the fuck else I should do…!

Her smile, already wide, somehow stretches even more. "I'm gonna touch you now!" Bwuh.

In the span of three quick hops the rabbit-girl-thing rushes me at high speed…! Oh fuck oh shit what do I do, it's the end for me dude, it's all over, oh I'm positively cooked—

I punch 'er in the mouth.

"Yeouch!" The girl stops her assault to cup her mouth. "That- that hurt!"

Adrenaline is running through me dude, holy shit! "Yeah! That was the point…!"

"But…!" The rabbit lady sniffles. "By why…?"

'Cause I hate them wabbits, that's why! "Brodie, you ran at me saying you were gonna touch me…!" Just the running at me part warranted violence, but the words said did not help your case either!

There are full blown tears in her eyes now. "I-isn't that a good thing though?"

… For a moment, the fact that she's a half-rabbit girl leaves my mind in favor of wondering just what the fuck is going on inside of her head. "Wa-... why do you think that?" I'm genuinely curious. What the fuck is she talking about?

"Huh? Uh, well…" The question seems to catch her off guard. "I mean. Most Mamano would fuck you without consent, right? Aren't I being nice by warning you?"

I can't help but smile at her stupidity. "That's not consent, dumbass…!"

She moves her head back, as if physically struck. "What do you-…"

I talk over her. "Consent's a two-way street dude! Like, aren't you forgetting to ask someone?"

"Uh…" She looks up, for some reason. "… Who~?"

I hit my chest. "'Fuckin- me, dude!" What even is this conversation man? "You 'warned' me yeah, but'cha never asked. You kinda just assumed."

The rabbit girl looks like her mind just got fucking blown. "… Huh." She blinks. "Can I ask now then?"

I give 'er a wide smile. "Oh, yeah dude, totally!"

Her breathing quickens, and I see a twinkle of want shine behind her eyes. "Then, can we fuck and love on each other?! Pretty—!"

I deadpan at her. "No."

"… Oh." All pretenses of lust leaves her face, and she stares at the ground. "I… ah."

Right. Well, now that I've utterly shattered her world view, onto more pressing matters. "So uh… Mamano?" Because that term is vaguely familiar to me, and if it's what I'm thinking of…!

Her head tilts ever so slightly up to face me. "… Yeah?"

I scratch the back of my head. "You said Mamano earlier. That's…" Oh god this is so weird to ask out loud. "… What you are, right?"

She gives me a nod. "Mhm… am I your first?" Don't say it like that.

But… yeah. I nod back. Monster Girl Encyclopedia, huh.

What the fuck. I get isekai'd, and outta all the worlds, all the cool games and movies, I'm sent to gooner central…!

Just like… once again, what the fuck.

A heavy sigh leaves my lips, and I sorta just let my head fall into my palm. I… I need a minute.

I hear the rabbit girl—Tana, actually, I just remembered her name—slowly hop toward me. "Hey, I-I'm not gonna eat you, if that's what you're thinking…"

Haha. The effort's appreciated, but… "No, no, I- I know Mamano aren't about that. Just-… it's something else."

"Oh!" In the corner of my eye I see Tana perk up a bit. "Are you lost, maybe? There's a nearby village- human village, I mean- that I can lead you to!"

Huh. That- yeah. I'd appreciate that, actually. I lift my head out of my hand ever so slightly. "If- if you could do that, yeah."

At my affirmation, Tana jumps up and does a lil' kick in the air. "Ye~ah! Ok then, follow me!" Oh, and now she's taking my hand okay—!

Jeez this rabbit has fuckin' hops dude. Each one of her bounds covers a good amount of space, so it takes me a sec to orientate myself and not get dragged across the ground.

Tana pipes up. "So~, what brings you into the woods? Most guys who come out here alone are looking for a wife! That's what my momma says, anyway." Well ain't that a fucked way of lookin' at it…! Hur-dee-dur, you came out here alone so obviously you must wanna get raped!

What the shit man.

But to her answer her question…! "Nah, I just woke up here! Pretty sure I was kidnapped or something…!" And that really is the truth!

"Huh. That's kinda weird!" Rabbit-girl, I agree with you completely…! "Most Mamano would've taken you to their home, I think. I mean- I wouldn't leave you alone in the forest!" Thanks Tana, very cool.

But it 'prolly wasn't a Mamano who threw me here. Unless that's something they can just do, in which case shit man, I guess…!

We arrive at a river. Issa' good river dude, very scenic.

Tana points ahead, toward where the river flowed. "Just follow the river and you'll reach a village by the name of Calabaza! I'd take you the whole way, but last time I got near there someone threw a rock at my boob…" Ow.

Also fuck, that's right! Rivers equal civilization. That's something I should keep in mind if I'm gonna be traveling.

I move my hand to my side, and Tana picks up the cue to let go. "Well, I've still got choice words for the whole rape thing, but thanks for showing me the way!"

Tana just nods.

… Um. Shit. That awkward moment when you're saying goodbye, but you dunno if anything else should be said…!

I turn around briefly to give her a wave. "So uh… yeah. Take care of yourself dude." And off I go.

Tana doesn't follow me, thank god.

XXX-MAMANO SMACKDOWN-XXX

A wooden gate and walls greet me…!

On top of the wall stands a lone guard, decked out in rusty medieval 'lookin armor. "Halt! State your name and purpose!"

Y'know he kinda looks like an especially hairy Randy Savage. Only kinda though. S'hard to tell with his helmet on. "I am but a lone Skoolatoon, lost in the wind! Help…!" And I reach my arms out for uppies…!

"Speak sense, vermin!" Oh shit, motherfucker used the V-word…!

Silliness aside though, in the interest of not sleeping in the woods and getting fucked into the ground, I should at least be semi-serious with this guy. "I'm from uh, east of here." Yes. East.

I can just barely see his eyes narrow. "… If that truly were the case, you would have arrived from the other side of the river." Oh fuck me.

Is this motherfucker blind or does he just not like dark-skinned people? "Dude, I'm human! I- you- do you want me to get jumped in the woods?! 'Cause that's how this's gonna end if you don't let me in!"

His voice rises by an octave. "It is not a matter of your humanity, rather that you are suspicious! I have never seen clothes of your type, and you have failed to do so much as give me your name and reason for arrival!"

Oh. Well fuck, these guys have probably never seen shorts before, huh? He's still being an asshole though…!

I give 'em the finger! "'Fack you~!"

Randy never-seen-shorts-before Savage starts reaching for something by his side, probably a weapon to maim me with, but then—

A mechanical creak reverberates from behind the gate. Oh shit, it's opening…!

Welp, no one seems to be stopping me, so imma just walk right in! I give a wave to the guard above me. "Bye asshole…!"

The guard in question looks back to some spot below and behind him, and bellows out a frustrated "close the gate!" Wahahaha! And a merry Christmas to you too…!

I stroll on in. With a pep in my step, mind you.

Another guard approaches me. This guy's also got armor, albeit less rusty, and more shiny. He looks younger too.

Guard number two gives me a woeful look…! "Did you have to antagonize him?"

Yes! I did! "He wasn't letting me in! Should I have been nicer, or…?" 'Issa genuine question actually, 'cause what else should I have done? Bro was not budging on the matter…!

The guard starts walking off, gesturing to follow him with his gauntlet-clad hand, and I do just that. "Cut him some slack. I- I know this guy, he's otherwise a good man, and-…"

He leans into my ear. "He's- from Lescatie. He's been through so much already." … Oh shit.

From what little I know about the setting, that's the place that got literally and figuratively raped, right? Well. In that case, my condolences, I guess.

But never mind that, we're in the village proper now! A 'lotta brick and stone houses, dirt roads, it's neat here! Very European, if I were to ascribe a word to it! Open too. The houses are very spread out, so there aren't really any alleyways to speak of. Lots of room for kids to run around, which I see them doing just that.

By the river, which flows through the village, stands a lone windmill, its blades sluggishly turning in the wind. I feel the need to describe this 'cause I've never seen a windmill in person before! S'cool 'lookin!

"Oliver…!" Oh shit it's the return of Randy Savage! He comes out through a door in the village walls, stomping towards us.

The guard to my left—Oliver now, I guess—steps in front of me. "Adrian, please, he's obviously just a person, strange as he may—"

"No!" The man stomps his foot, his rusty armor clanking against the impact. "I will not allow a threat into these walls, not ever! Especially one as obvious as him!"

"Adrian, please." Oliver stands his ground…! "Your suspicion, as much as it keeps us safe, is unwarranted here. In fact, I will see to it personally that he does not cause any trouble."

"But- you-…!" Adrian starts clenching his fists. "You did not hear him before! He claims to arrive east from here! East! Look at his skin, he's obviously a desert dweller! His story makes no sense!"

Oh my god I was kidding about the racism. I pipe up. "What are you fucking yapping on about dude." Even in another world some people will always find a way, huh…!?

Adrian takes a step forward oh shit-…! "You- do not speak to me in-…!"

I hear Oliver take in a sharp breath, probably just about as done with this guy as I am. "Adrian, remember your post, and mine as well. Insubordination against the Captain's son will only reward you with discipline." Oh shit, he's the captain son, son…!

Adrian looks at Oliver, eyes full of hate, before quickly glancing at me, then back to him. "… This isn't the last you'll hear from me." And he stomps back into the wall, closing the door behind him.

Three cheers for nepotism, I guess…!

Once Rusty Dan is out of our purview, Oliver turns back to me. "… I am so sorry you had to see that. I didn't expect him to be so difficult with you."

Nah, s'cool. "Don't worry about it man, I think he's just an asshole." And probably racist too.

Oliver purses his lips, seemingly about to object to my assessment of him, before bringing a hand to his armored chin. "I-… Hm. Perhaps you were right to not be patient with him. A firm hand is required for these sorts of matters."

Oh I was just fuckin' with him before, but sure, I'll take the credit…! "Mhm. Can't let people like him push you around." Wahahaha!

The friendly guard expression brightens, and he nods his head approvingly. "Yes, of course. You're right."

Right, okay. Now what the fuck do I do—

"Sir, if I may-…" Oliver interrupts my line of thought. "May I have your name?"

Oh yeah, he would want to know, wouldn't he? "Name's Lucas."

"Lucas. Lucas, yes!" He repeats the name, as if to familiarize himself with the taste of the word's consonants. "Lucas, I promised Adrian to observe you, if only to placate him. But you're new to town, and I find you to be of the respectable sort." Oh…?

"There's a bar and inn here in Calabaza, the pride and joy of our town, it is. Good drinks, good food, good beds…" He trails off…? If this is going where I think it's going 'imma have to politely decline! "I can arrange for you a week's worth of lodging, free of charge. That should be enough for you to get your bearings."

Oh that's what he meant… shit. He uh, I was about to say…! "That- sounds good, yeah. It'd be very kind of you."

Oliver just smiles and waves a hand at me. "I speak for the village guard of Calabaza when I say it's the least we can do. And beside that, as I said, I find you to be the respectable sort."

Hey man, I'll fuckin' take it…!

I follow Oliver around town a bit more as he gives me a quick 'lil tour of the place. My initial opinion largely remains the same, but the mini food market they have going on here does catch my eye, if only 'cause I'm starting to feel a bit hungry.

Brodie also seems to be a bit of a celebrity around here. My guy, I saw how some of the ladies were 'lookin at you…!

The sun's starting to go down, by the way. S'gotta be like 8 or 9. Assuming time works the same here as back home, anyway.

After like 20 minutes of walking around, we finally arrive at what I assume to be the village's bar and inn. Like all the other homes here, it's built out of wood and bricks. The building stands out only thanks to its size.

Oliver confidently struts into the bar. "Tomás, old friend, that's you behind the bar, isn't it!?"

Walking into the bar I'm hit with a sense of-… homeyness? Yeah, s'homey in here! The old wooden furniture strewn across the room gives this place a real lived-in sort of vibe, and the lanterns hung around the walls bathe the bar in a soft orange blanket of light.

As me and Oliver walk up the bar counter, numerous bar goers halt their merry-going to turn their attention to us. A majority of 'em just give Oliver a hearty greeting, but a few turn to look at me like I'm a space alien…!

And once again, I don't blame 'em! Shorts do be freaky like that…!

The guy behind the bar, the Tomás in question, I'd assume, is jovially yelling at Oliver. "—bastard, you best not be here for more free drinks…!" The guy's tall, muscle bound, and looks like he could snap me like a twig!

Oliver replies with a cheery chortle. "Hehe! Perish the thought! No, today I'm actually here to introduce someone." He turns to me. "Lucas, if you would…"

Second verse, same as the first! "I am but a lone Skoolatoon, lost in the wind! Help…!" And I reach my arms out for uppies…!

Tomás blinks. "… What." Even Oli-boy gives me a side-ways glance!

"Uh, that is to say…!" I cut in before someone calls me the V-word again! "Before now, I was lost in the woods alone and almost got jumped by a Mamano, so life's been rough!"

The bartender, still looking at me, reaches for an empty glass and runs a towel through it. "That sounds unfortunate." He deadpanned that, by the way.

I don't think he cares all too much…!

Oliver clears his throat, grabbing our attention. "Ahem- it quite is. Unfortunate, I mean. And I came here hoping you could provide him with free room and board for~… let's say a week?"

Tomás raises a brow. "Awful kind of you. Any particular reason, or…?"

The captain's son gives a level smile. "I just find him to be of the respectable sort." Y'know the more I hear him say that the more I doubt it…!

"Yes, well." Tomás starts pouring a yellow liquid—'prolly alcohol—into the now clean cup. "Regardless, this'll definitely be free for him, at least…"

Oliver waves him off with a hand. "Put it on my father's tab." Shit, that's another point for nepotism. Well- not really, technically, but it's nepotism adjacent.

The bartender cracks a smile at that. "Hah! Figured!" Walking to the side, Tomás exits out of the counter through an opening and turns to me. "Lucas, right? I'll take you to your room."

Yessir~.

Sparing one last glance at Oliver and giving him a grateful nod, I run up to Tomás and follow him up some stairs located at the back of the bar.

The 2nd and final story of the building is this narrow hallway, dimly lit with that same orange light as downstairs. On either side of the walls stand 5 doors, totaling to what I assumed to be 10 rooms in all.

In the middle of the hallway, attached to the ceiling by a chain, hangs a lone lantern, providing the room with its aforementioned luminescence.

Tomás walks me to the end of the hallway, stopping at the room's top left-most door. "You got everything you need in here-," and he opens the door, "bed, drawer, wardrobe, and if you need to shit or piss, the bathroom's downstairs. I'll also be down there if you need anything else."

Yeh. I nod.

I walk up to the bed as Tomás keeps on 'goin with the info dump. "Oh, and just as a heads-up. Oliver's padre will be the one paying for your room, so if he decides for whatever reason you're not worth the money, you're out." Well, shit. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

After leaving me with that frankly ominous reminder, Tomás closes the room's door, leaving me alone.

So yeah, the room. It is, in fact, a room! In it resides a window, wardrobe, bed, and beside said bed a nightstand. On the stand is a lantern, providing the otherwise dark room with light.

Taking off my shoes, I throw myself on the bed. Aw yea~h, that's good. Way better than laying on the grass, lemme tell ya'…!

I'm too lazy to walk over to the wardrobe, so while still laying on the bed I take off my Hawaiian button-up and stuff it into the nearby nightstand.

My eyes stare at the ceiling. Another unfamiliar ceiling! But of course, in this whole world there'd be no ceiling—or sky, at that—that's familiar…!

Oh the humanity dude, what a shame…

…

Why am I here?

'Cause it wasn't to pilot giant bio-robots, that's for sure. I just sorta spawned here, no context or book or higher being to tell me why, or if there's even a reason for me being here.

Here. As in Monster Girl encyclopedia, the series I have only passing knowledge of. I've got a mental list of places I think it'd be cool to get isekai'd too, and shit wasn't even in the top 20…!

Now I gotta deal with disproportionately hot rape monsters, and politics. And a humanitarian crisis. Pretty sure I read those last two somewhere, but I don't really remember.

… What should I do tomorrow? Like I said, I don't really have a mission, or the like. Only thing I really know for certain is that I ain't about the rape life! Fu~ck that…!

Maybe I should just go hunting for magic. Amass enough power to defend myself with and become Big Balls Bill. Biggest testicles in the west, dude.

Yeah. Something like that.

Crawling under the bed's blankets, I reach my hand out to the nightstand's lantern and undo the lock keeping it closed. Then I gotta lift my head and crane it to my left to blow out the candle inside.

Darkness envelops the room. It doesn't take too long for sleep to come next.

XXX-MAMANO SMACKDOWN-XXX

YOUR PROTAG: Lucas, An Unfortunate Bastard

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fists - To use efficiently, rest thumbs beneath knuckles, not in or on top. All I've got right now.

ARMOR: Clothes - The only thing keeping my virginity where it is...! Shouldn't leave the house without it.

INVENTORY:

Pocket Lint

XXX-MS-XXX

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you can guess what story I ripped off the story notes from i'll give ya a cookie

Once upon a time a lone guy (me) thought to himself, "what if i wrote up an MGE si?" it was alllll downhill from there lemme tell ya. I thought for a while now that MGE was pretty interesting from a world-building standpoint, and the setting is so aggressively horny that it loops back around to being funny, so here i am.

If things go to plan expect snail speed power creep. Issa big world with big people so i figured my guy getting uber strong uber quickly to be pretty unrealistic (and boring), and he is still a si of me, so im not gonna be giving him too much credit. He gonna have to do shit the old fashioned way.

Spoiler alert, only power this mf is gonna get- if you can even call it a power- is being comedically resourceful. I like to think i have the capacity to be clever, but nowhere near enough to survive a setting like MGE. And like this, the story will be at least interesting, perhaps even entertaining to read? Hopefully? We'll see.

If i for some reason submit this chapter alone without any other chapters published, see yall next time!