Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
Pope Innocent XV smiled beatifically, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks as the heavenly voices of the Choir of Autoscorers continued singing their hymns, filling the Sistine Chapel with their beautiful song. The Ark of the Covenant pulsed in tune as it resonated with their phonic gain and channeled its power into the humanoid figure one and a half times larger than any mortal man dangling from the carefully reassembled True Cross at the back of the room, the crown of thorns, bearded face, and torso wound making it immediately recognizable to any Christian in the world, and most people who weren't, though the skin color was a bit darker than he had expected and he tried very carefully not to think about how uncomfortable it made him because he was pretty sure it bordered on blasphemy.
"Isn't it beautiful, Cardinal Richelieu?" Innocent asked his longtime friend and second-in-command. "Soon, our Lord will be reborn, thanks to the instructions left behind by the Virgin Mary on the back of the 10 Commandments and hidden in the Ark of the Covenant on how to restore the proto human "doll" left for us by God Almighty, like Adam before him! Thousands of years of labor and prayer will soon reach their culmination!"
Richelieu, a slightly younger man in red, nodded solemnly. "And to think, we might have completed our task much sooner if we had realized that Jesus was actually buried in the small village of Shingo in Japan, rather than somewhere around Jerusalem, as we'd all believed!" He frowned. "Which would have made a lot more sense, honestly."
"The Lord works in mysterious ways, Richelieu," Innocent said with a smile. He sighed wistfully as he continued listening to the Choir singing. "Do you know, I think I can almost hear the people singing outside, celebrating the return of our Lord!"
"I think that's mainly screams, on account of Vatican City lifting into the sky and beginning the alchemical process of deconstructing the world around us so that it may be reconstructed into a biblical paradise, starting with Rome," Richelieu pointed out.
"And once the world has been remade, they will certainly be singing praises instead of screaming in terror," Innocent said, though his smile faded slightly. "I am so disappointed in our flock. Have they not listened to our sermons? Read the Bible? This is the Rapture! If they are truly faithful, they should have nothing to fear!"
"Alas, Your Holiness, not all possess faith as true as us," Richelieu lamented. "Thankfully, their suffering will not last much longer. Once the Lord awakens and we have finished remaking the world in His image, all will be as it was before man was banished from the Garden of Eden, and nothing can stop us now-"
It was at that point that several of the chapel's stained-glass windows shattered as several missiles blasted into the room, exploding spectacularly and demolishing a sizable chunk of the Choir as several very beautiful young woman in very skimpy armor landed dramatically, singing at the tops of their lungs.
Innocent snarled, his grandfatherly face twisting into an expression of anger. "The Symphogear wielders!"
"I use a Faust Robe," Miku Kohinata said for what felt like the thousandth time.
"And I've got an Elekleid," said Hibiki Tachibana from a parallel universe, likewise.
"You know, perhaps we should come up with a name for ourselves that's a bit more all-inclusive, this isn't the first time this problem has cropped up," Maria Cadenzavna Eve admitted.
"Death! Death death, death death death death!" Kirika Akatsuki suggested.
"Why yes, Kirika, that's a splendid idea! We have been called 'Valkyries' a number of times," Maria told the reaper, pleased.
"Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare." Kirika's girlfriend Shirabe Tsukuyomi patted her on the head, causing her to whimper and pant happily.
"I will have Ogawa see what we can do about proper branding after the mission," Tsubasa Kazanari said seriously, as she did with most things.
"Already drawing up the paperwork," Shinji Ogawa promised over the communicator.
"But this is impossible! How did you escape from the Dead Sea without the Dead Sea Scrolls?!" A shocked Richelieu demanded.
"Our friends from Lemuria rescued us using the Staff of Moses to part the sea," Maria's younger sister from a parallel universe, Serena Cadenzavna Eve, explained.
"What?! How dare those heathen fish people make a mockery of such a biblical hero?!" The Pope demanded.
"Says the guy who dug up Jesus's corpse and is trying to bring him back to life, destroying the world in the process!" Kanade Amou, also from a parallel universe, retorted.
"We're the Catholic Church, which means it's okay when we do it!" The Pope said indignantly and without a hint of irony.
"Which would explain why you're wearing the Shroud of Turin Faust Robe despite it being clearly not your size," Tsubasa remarked.
Indeed, the Shroud of Turin was a beautiful and very skimpy set of armor covered in biblical images… Clearly intended for a taller, younger, and much more voluptuous woman. On Innocent it looked like a child wearing his mother's dress, if said child had Benjamin Button disease, showing them way, way too much wrinkly exposed old man skin, liver spots, and moles.
"How are you using that, anyway, I thought only a female body can use a Faust Robe, that's what my stepmom says, and she would know," Hibiki Tachibana – the one not from a parallel universe – pointed out.
"The power of God is on my side!" The Pope declared.
"… No, really, how are you doing it?" Hibiki asked.
"I used a fragment of the True Cross to trick the Shroud into believing His Holiness is a woman," Richelieu admitted.
"Ohhhhhhhhhh," almost everyone said, except for Kirika and Shirabe, who uttered "Death" and "Stare."
"Yeah, well, that thing doesn't belong to you anymore, it's property of the Queen of Lemuria, so take it off before I turn you into a Holy Ghost!" Chris Yukine threatened, pointing her heavy artillery at the old man.
"Actually, Chris, I'm not sure any of us want to see that," Miku, one of Chris's girlfriends, pointed out.
The other Valkyries nodded fervently.
"… Right! Good point! Get some proper clothes on first, and yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy of that statement considering what all of us are wearing now," Chris admitted. "But in my defense, we're all young and very attractive women and you're… Not."
"He's so shriveled and wrinkly," the parallel Hibiki whispered in horror. "He looks like a human raisin!"
"How dare you speak to His Holiness like that?!" Richelieu demanded as the Pope's expression turned apoplectic.
"Considering you're trying to destroy the world, I think we can speak to you anyway we want!" Chris retorted.
"I'm not trying to destroy the world, I'm trying to SAVE it!" The Pope declared.
"But, Your Holiness, the world doesn't need saving," Hibiki (the native one, to be clear) pleaded. "The Curse of Balal is finally broken! Wars are winding down and crime is decreasing worldwide as people are finally able to understand each other! And for everything else, well, there's us! How is this going to help anyone?"
"Because it should've been us!" The Pope snapped, veins bulging on his forehead. "For thousands of years, we have been striving to revive our Savior, break the curse, and guide humanity into a brighter future! We almost had everything ready to save the world…But then, a group of half-naked Japanese lesbians somehow managed to beat us to it!"
"Wait, why did he say 'lesbians' like that? I thought homophobia wasn't a thing on this Earth anymore?" A confused Serena asked. "Not since the war?"
"Well, he's really old, and there's billions of people, they had to have missed some," Kanade reasoned. "Also, I think Vatican City was neutral ground? Like Switzerland?"
The other girls nodded and made murmurs of agreement that yes, this made sense.
"Thanks to you girls and your actions, faith in the Catholic Church, which has already been dwindling over the last few decades, has plummeted!" The Pope said angrily. "They're claiming that our entire religion is based on a number of lies!"
"Well, it sort of is? Like most religions?" Miku pointed out.
"Yes, but now they can prove it!" The Pope snapped. "The Curse of Balal wasn't made to punish humanity for building the Tower of Babel, but to save us from the devil! The Whore of Babylon and Red Dragon of Revelation appeared but were struck down instead of causing the End of Days! The Nephilim was not the child of humans and angels but an ancient superweapon that blew up in another dimension! Adam, the first human, wasn't human at all, and tried to conquer us! And everyone believes that God was not only an alien, but dead, the ultimate blasphemy!"
"But… He is dead?" Hibiki said awkwardly. "We met his digital ghost on the moon? Maria's descended from him, and her Symphogear is made from his left arm?"
"And mine," Serena added. "Well, not your God's arm, but the one in my world."
"Heresy!" The Pope shouted.
"It is hardly our fault that reality does not conform to your expectations," Tsubasa said unsympathetically.
"But it is your fault that people stop going to church anymore because they see you all as the new gods, or the closest thing to them!" The Pope spat.
"What? How is that our fault?" Hibiki asked in confusion.
"When the Moon was about to crash into the planet, who was humanity praying to in song for salvation? Not God, but the Symphogears!" The Pope ranted. "When the devil was about to terraform the world and turn us all into demons, who was humanity praying to for salvation? Not God, but the Symphogears! And when Thomas Edison's cyborg ghost created an army of Mechani-Noise to mechanize the entire planet, who was humanity praying to for salvation? Well?!"
There was a pause, followed by the regular Hibiki slowly raising her hand. "Hibiki, I think that was a rhetorical question," Miku said gently.
"Oh, right."
Innocent shook with rage. "You inspire people! You give them hope! Girls everywhere are learning to sing and fight and wearing clothing that reveals more of their skin and tempting men to sin!"
"So, blaming girls for men being horny. Classy," Kanade said in disgust.
"Also, that's hardly a trend we started," Maria pointed out.
"People continue to go to Tsubasa Kazanari's concerts in droves despite the absolutely horrific mortality rate!"
Tsubasa flinched.
"Staaaaaaaaaaaare."
"Yes, Shirabe, he has a point, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rude," Maria lectured her.
"And worst of all, you actually go out and change the world for the better instead of giving people the empty hope that if they suffer and endure long enough, they will be rewarded in the next world!" The Pope said angrily.
"That sounds more like a self-indictment than anything we're doing wrong," Miku said scornfully.
"We're not trying to be gods or demanding worship from anyone," the parallel Hibiki protested. "We're just… Trying to help."
"Death! Death death death!"
"Kirika is right, what were we supposed to do, not save humanity?" Maria asked.
Chris snorted. "Typical ungrateful bastard. He's only still alive because of us, and that just makes him angry, doesn't it? You're upset about us saving the world instead of you? Where the hell were you when all that stuff happened? You talk about saving the world, then why have you never fucking done that when the world needed saving?"
"You shall not speak to His Holiness in that manner!" Richelieu declared as the Pope spluttered. "The lot of you have no place here! Flagrantly displaying so many sinful temptations in a place of God… But you are the worst of all, Hibiki Tachibana!"
"What did I do?" The parallel Hibiki asked, upset.
"Not you, the other one."
"Oh, okay."
"What did I do?" The regular Hibiki asked, upset.
"Nothing, because you are a precious sunflower who must be loved and protected and brings sunlight and joy to everyone around you," Miku said gently, taking her hand with a warm smile and causing her to blush.
"You're damn right she is!" Chris agreed.
"If anything, I kind of thought you'd call me and the girls the worst," Kanade commented, gesturing at her, Maria, and Tsubasa's sizable assets. "Not gonna lie, I'm kind of offended by that."
"You are the worst, Hibiki Tachibana, because you are the one who wields Gungnir, the unholy weapon which killed our Lord Jesus!" The Cardinal declared, pointing at the body of Christ and the noticeable wound in his side.
The Valkyries gasped.
"Wait, I think we already knew that," Tsubasa suddenly recalled.
"Right, it's the source of Hibiki's God-killing power," Maria agreed.
"And another thing that makes her so wonderful," Miku cooed, rubbing against Hibiki and causing her to blush happily.
"That is why your presence here is completely unacceptable! Longinus committed an irredeemable sin when he killed Christ with that spear 2000 years ago, and we will not allow you to do so again, Tachibana!" Cardinal Richelieu spat.
Kanade raised a hand. "Uh, I also have Gungnir."
"Me too," the parallel Hibiki pointed out. "I mean, yes, I'm wearing an Elekleid, but I can sync with Gungnir too to achieve a much stronger form."
"Yes, but you're from other dimensions, which means your Gungnirs killed different Christs, which is still an unforgivable sin, but less so since they didn't kill our Christ," Richelieu clarified.
"Ah."
"That is why we've tried so hard to eliminate you and break your spirit, because you are the greatest threat to our plans!" Richelieu declared.
"You did? I didn't notice," Hibiki said in surprise.
"Wh-What?!" Richelieu stammered.
"Due to her being the strongest of us as well as having the power to kill gods, Tachibana has been considered the biggest threat to the plans of nearly every villain we've ever fought since the Bavarian Illuminati, so our adversaries going out of their way to target her is nothing new," Tsubasa said.
"Oh," the Cardinal said, looking rather put out.
"Regardless, we will not allow you and your accursed spear to prevent the Second Coming of Christ!" The Pope declared.
"Didn't that already happen on the first Easter?" A confused Hibiki asked. "The Easter Bunny laid an egg that he hatched from, and he gave everyone chocolate, and then God took him home to heaven, and that's why people go chocolate egg hunting any chocolate bunnies at this time of year?"
"That's… What?" The Pope stammered.
"Absolutely everything you just said is completely and utterly wrong," Richelieu said flatly.
"Really? That's how I always figured it happened too," said a surprised Miku.
Serena nodded. "That's how it went in my world."
"Well, that's not how it went here!" The Pope snapped.
"Clearly not, considering his dead body is right in front of us," Kanade pointed out.
"No, that, that's not what I-" the Pope stammered.
"Why would you even think that?!" Richelieu demanded.
"Not a single one of us is a practicing Christian," Tsubasa pointed out. "In fact, most of us are atheists or the very least agnostic since we now know that most of the gods are either made up, left, or died thousands of years ago. Or got killed by Hibiki."
"I worship her," Miku said sweetly, causing Hibiki to start babbling gay gibberish.
"I'm Buddhist," Chris stated. "Though lately I also worship Hibiki."
Hibiki's gay gibberish grew louder.
"And my girls worship me!" Kanade said proudly, grabbing her girlfriends and smooshing their faces into her breasts, causing them to swoon.
"Death."
"Staaaaaaaaaaaaare."
"And Kirika and Shirabe worship the evil goddess Zababa," Serena added.
"Wait, then where did the rabbit and chocolate egg thing come from?" Asked the bewildered parallel Hibiki.
"Death death! Death death death death death, death death, death death death death death," Kirika explained.
"Oh, that explains it."
"Your lack of knowledge about one of the most widespread globally celebrated holidays is an insult-" the Pope snarled.
"Oh, like you know the first thing about Buddhism," Chris shot back.
The Pope hesitated. "You… Worship a smiling fat man?"
Chris scoffed. "Yeah, not even close."
"But once the Château de Tiffauges Leonardo da Vinci converted the Vatican into around the time he was painting the ceiling of the chapel we are in at this moment is at full power, a Château far more powerful than anything that heretical witch Carol could've ever conceived, all will know the Word of God and accept Christ into their hearts as the world is remade into the paradise described in the Bible!" The Pope said quickly, trying to move on from that subject.
"Which version?" Serena asked.
"Eh?"
"I mean… There've been lots of different versions over the last 2000 years?" Serena pointed out. "It's been translated, edited, re-translated, edited again, over and over across the centuries, so… Is the Bible you're using now the original, or just one of the much later additions, because there's a good chance quite a lot has been lost over time?"
An awkward silence filled the room, or would have if the Choir weren't still singing.
"It, uh, it probably doesn't matter that much," the Pope said awkwardly.
"I kind of think it would, since that means you aren't using the alleged Word of God but the word of a later author as the basis for the new world?" Miku pointed out.
"Also, are you going to be turning everyone white? Because Jesus back there clearly isn't white, meaning you're basically committing racial genocide on top of everything else," Maria pointed out.
"I-I, uh, I didn't, I didn't think… I'm not, I'm not racist-" the Pope stammered.
"And another thing! If you remake the world to match the Bible, that means none of us can love each other!" Parallel Hibiki said angrily, grabbing her girlfriends and holding them tight.
"Oh no, we're actually safe on that front," Kanade said.
Everyone looked at her in surprise. "We are?" Tsubasa asked in relief.
"You are?!" the Pope and Richelieu demanded incredulously.
Kanade nodded. "Yes, the Bible says a man should not lay with another man as he would a woman. We're in the clear."
"Ohhhhhhhh," everyone said.
"Death!"
"Stare."
"That's right, that also means it's fine for men to be homosexual as well since most men don't have vaginas, so cannot be laid with as if they were women," Maria agreed.
"Wait, that's… That can't be right… Richelieu, is she right?" A confused Pope asked Richelieu, who shrugged.
"Really? You're the head of the Catholic Church and you don't know your own holy text back to front?" Chris sneered.
"It's a big book!" The Pope said defensively. "It's not like you've memorized the Buddhist holy texts or anything!"
"Yes, I have," Chris said.
The Pope blinked. "Really?"
"Yeah."
There was a pause as they all processed this.
"That's so cool, Chris!" Both Hibikis gushed.
"Wait, then why are you still so violent, profane, and nowhere near enlightenment?" A skeptical Tsubasa asked.
"The journey to enlightenment takes many forms and lasts multiple lifetimes. Some find peace through meditation and prayer. Others find it through enjoying life's splendors. I find it through filling my enemies with lead."
"Oh."
"Th-that's beside the point!" the Pope stammered. "None of that will matter once we have saved the world! All your souls will be redeemed, and you shall be grateful for it! Just as the Virgin Mary promised when she tasked the Apostles with founding the church! Now, gaze upon the face of the truest saint of all, the Mother of Christ!"
"Wait, I thought Jesus was a doll made by the Annunaki like Adam-" Hibiki started.
"THE MOTHER OF CHRIST!" Innocent shouted, using the power of his Faust Robe to unveil a panel on the wall, revealing a portrait of-
"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Chris shouted.
It was Finé, because of course it was.
"You know, I was wondering when we would learn what her inevitable involvement in this was, it was getting kind of down to the wire," Kanade commented.
"Finé. Why is it always Finé?" Tsubasa groaned.
"Hibiki, I know you forgave Finé, and I absolutely love you for being such a kind person, but it's times like this I wonder if you were too hasty," Miku said tiredly.
"Eheh…" Hibiki muttered, sweatdropping as she rubbed the back of her head.
"Shirabe, why were we not informed of this?" An irritated Maria asked Shirabe.
"Death death!" Kirika defended her girlfriend angrily.
Shirabe put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head. "Stare."
Her eyes rolled back in her skull as she communed with the spirit of Finé, who'd recently moved back into her body claiming she and Enki needed some space after a big argument.
"Stare?"
"Look, in my defense, I've plotted so many diabolical schemes I can't possibly be expected to remember every single one of them!" The no longer immortal priestess scoffed.
Shirabe's eyes rolled back down. "Staaaaare."
Maria sighed. "Figures."
"What are you all talking about?" The confused Innocent asked.
Chris burst into laughter. "Oh my dead God, this makes so much sense now. Your entire religion was created by fucking Finé!"
"Which explains… Quite a lot, actually," Serena said wearily.
"What? No, that's not Finé, that's the Virgin Mary!" The Pope insisted.
"That is absolutely Finé," Kanade said, everyone nodding in agreement.
"It is not!" The Pope insisted. "And how dare you insinuate the Virgin Mary has any connection whatsoever to the Whore of Babylon!"
"Buddy, take it from me, in zero of her past lives was she a virgin, or if she was, she didn't stay that way for long," Chris said bluntly. She smacked her forehead. "Oh my dead God, is this why there are so many pedophile priests? Was she behind that, too? Of course she fucking was!"
"Stare-"
"No, I don't think we need to ask her that," Maria said quickly.
"This insult goes beyond the pale!" The Pope said angrily. "Finé is a foul harlot from which almost all the evils in the world and every ancient conspiracy can be traced back to, but she has no ties to us! She sought to destroy the world, while it is the purpose of the church to safeguard the souls of humanity and guide them to salvation!" The Pope argued.
"Yeah? Well I certainly didn't feel saved when I-" Chris immediately cut herself off.
"Chris?" Miku asked in concern.
"I don't want talk about it," she said quickly.
"Chris, you've been acting really aggressive this season… Of our lives," Hibiki asked in concern.
"I'm being as aggressive as I always am!" Chris insisted.
"Staaaaaaaaaaaare."
"Death!"
"They're right, you usually only get this way when you're triggered by something related to your absolutely horrendous childhood," Tsubasa agreed. "Do you have untreated trauma related to the Catholic Church you've never mentioned to us before?"
"I have untreated trauma related to lots of shit I've never mentioned to you before," Chris said defensively.
"Child, what could the Catholic Church have possibly done to you to make you hate it so?" The Pope asked, trying to sound caring but just coming off as condescending.
Chris sighed, realizing there was no way out of this. "Well, it all started back when I was a sex slave in Val Verde…"
The Pope immediately regretted asking.
"I managed to escape my pimp one day and ran to a church, where I pleaded with the Padre for sanctuary," Chris said, her eyes staring a million miles away. "He did me missionary style at the altar for hours, then gave me back to my pimp when he came looking for me and became one of my most frequent customers."
Finger trembling, she pointed at the crucified Christ. "I prayed to him so many times for salvation, but he never delivered, and when I was finally rescued, I just got snatched up by Finé and thrust into an even worse hell. But I think it was then, in that church, where I realized there was no God. Hell of a present for my eighth birthday."
Everyone stared at her, aghast. Kirika threw up.
"Wait, I thought you were always Buddhist," Kanade pointed out.
"I am, but that's when I knew for sure there was no Christian God," Chris elaborated.
"Oh, Chris!" Both Hibikis wailed, hugging her.
"Oddly enough, when I found out God had been dead all along it was kind of a relief," Chris admitted. "Because it meant that he'd been real at one point and hadn't been ignoring me as I suffered in one of his houses. He seemed like a decent guy from the few minutes we talked with his virtual ghost, I doubt he would've let that sort of thing happen if he'd still been around."
"Chris, sweetie," Miku asked softly, putting a hand on her shoulder, something dark in her eyes. "Would you like to make a trip to Val Verde later?"
"He's dead, so is my pimp, and most of my old clients," Chris informed her. "I, uh, looked them up when we were helping the UN oust the old regime."
"… Were… Were you planning to…?" Maria asked hesitantly.
"Death?" Kirika queried.
"I… Don't really know," Chris admitted. "I'm both relieved and disappointed that I'll never find out."
"My child, I am so sorry you had to suffer for that," the Pope said.
"Not your child."
"But are you certain that he was a Catholic priest, and not from another denomination? Maybe he was Episcopalian?" Innocent asked.
There was a long pause, and then Chris attempted to shoot him in the face, her girlfriends halfheartedly holding her back.
Oblivious, the Pope continued. "And have you considered that perhaps this was punishment for not getting baptized, being Buddhist, and choosing to be a prostitute-"
RED HOT BLAZE
He was cut off when Chris shot him in the face with a giant sniper rifle. If he hadn't been wearing a Faust Robe, his head would've exploded.
It nearly happened anyway when both Hibikis shot forward and punched him in the face hard enough to slam him into the Ark of the Covenant, cracking it as well as his back.
"GAH!" He cried. "You, you HIT me-"
A shadow fell over him, and he felt himself trembling in absolute terror as Miku stared down at him, her eyes turning purple with glowing red rings on the inner edge of the iris.
"I have inherited the knowledge of the Great Surgeon of the Annunaki," she said, giving him as much regard as a high schooler would the frog they were about to dissect in biology class. "I know more than 10,000 ways to make you hurt, and even more ways to keep you alive while doing so."
"R-Richelieu! HELP!" Innocent screamed in terror, nearly falling into the Ark in his desperation to get the hell away from Miku.
"Back, fiend!" Richelieu said, gesturing, complex geometrical figures appearing around his hand before a red force field shimmered to life, splitting the chapel in half.
"Hmm. A fiend? Righter than you know," Miku muttered to herself as she poked the barrier, then blinked as her eyes turned back to normal.
"R-Richelieu! T-they HIT me!" Innocent shrieked, hiding behind the Cardinal.
"Pathetic. You are clad in one of the most powerful relics in the world, yet you cower and hide at the first altercation?" Tsubasa demanded, a disgusted look on her face. "Truly you must be the most pitiful villain we have ever faced-"
"Doctor Ver," Maria said.
"I stand corrected. The second most-"
"What about Kim Jong Un?" Hibiki brought up.
"His unicorn was pretty strong," the parallel Hibiki reminded her.
"Death death death!" Kirika said excitedly.
"Indeed, it was a worthy adversary," Tsubasa admitted, recalling her duel with the 'sword horse' fondly.
"In any event, if you think this shitty barrier is gonna stop us for long, you really are delusional!" Chris bragged, preparing to call up her really heavy artillery.
"Oh, I know it won't stop you, but it doesn't need to," Richelieu said with a sneer. "You see, all this pointless talking has been nothing more than a diversion to buy time for the Seven Virtues to get into position to vaporize everything on your side of the room with their ultimate attack! Repent now, but it will not spare you from the perdition which awaits you all in the fires below!"
A minute passed. Then another one.
"So, when's this ultimate attack happening?" Hibiki asked after a moment, crossing her arms and tapping her foot.
Chris snorted. "Typical. All talk, no delivery. Or should I say, heh, deliverance?"
Richelieu blinked, confused "I don't understand. They should have attacked by now! Where are they?!"
Tsubasa smirked. "The thing is, Cardinal, you weren't the only one stalling for time with all of this back and forth."
Kanade smirked. "The Lemurians rescued us from the Dead Sea, yeah… But did you really think that's where their contribution would end? They're really pissed at what you assholes did to their queen when you stole her Faust Robe!"
"Which is why, when we came to Rome for the final battle…" Maria began.
"They came with us!" Serena declared.
"And they brought Leviathan!" Miku added smugly.
"Stare."
A tremendous roar shook the room, causing Richelieu and the Pope to pale.
"You know, I'm really glad I didn't have to kill her after all, she's a really sweet sea monster," Hibiki said happily.
"And give such great hugs!" The parallel Hibiki agreed.
"But… That means-" Richelieu stammered.
Chris cackled. "That's right, asshole! Your sexy miniboss squad is up against the one from the last season… Of our lives, and the Deep Six are way better than your lame Virtues!"
"No… This cannot be!" The Pope protested.
"It doesn't matter," Richelieu insisted. "We've still been gathering the prayers of every Catholic attending Easter Mass in the world to fuel da Vinci's Infernal Device as well as resurrect Christ! We are only moments away from the Second Coming and the world's rebirth!"
Tsubasa was still smiling. "Is that so? It's funny you mentioned Carol earlier. Don't you think it odd that we didn't bring her to try and dismantle your Château de Tiffauges?"
The chapel, and all of Vatican City, suddenly trembled. "What's happening?!" The Pope wailed.
Richelieu's eyes widened in horror. "No… You didn't…!"
Tsubasa smile grew wider. "Where do you suppose SONG's Alchemist Corps are at this moment?"
In a massive chamber deep beneath the Basilica di San Pietro, wave after wave of Holy Noise – essentially white and gold Noise wearing robes with halos and wings – swarmed the alchemists in the center of the room, dying in droves yet continuing their assault.
"71,650… 71,649… 71,648…" Former Illuminati leader Saint-Germain murmured as she continued firing her gun into the record, subtracting one of her many sins with each Holy Noise she slew. "The church has tried to kill all of us more than once over the years… It failed then, and it shall not succeed today!"
"Oooh, they just keep coming and coming, and we keep getting to kill these Papist puppets!" Cagliostro giggled, jiggling her breasts as she fired energy bursts at the Holy Noise. "It's making the estrogen go to my head!"
"Ugh, this is getting to be such a pain," Prelati complained as she eradicated several dozen Holy Noise with her Kendama. "I never thought I would say this, but slaughtering Catholics is starting to get dull. Carol! How much longer is this going to take?!"
"Hey! Master will take as long as she takes! Don't rush her!" Garie snapped, flinging ice crystals at the Holy Noise.
Micha giggled as she sprayed fire everywhere, the flames dancing in her eyes as the Holy Noise died in excruciating agony. "This is so much fun! I wish Millaarc could be here!"
"So stupid…" Garie snarled, taking out her aggression about her absent girlfriend on the Holy Noise. "She's not even a real Dracula, she's been able to step into plenty of churches before this!"
"It is a philosophical effect, much like how I can break anything that counts as a sword, and Tachibana can destroy anything that counts as a God," Phara reasoned as she generated gusts of razor wind with her blade.
"So, she's a philosophical Dracula or this is a philosophical church?" Garie asked.
"Yes," Phara said unhelpfully.
Garie growled.
Leiur conjured and flicked coins into the air, the projectiles ricocheting repeatedly off the walls and ceiling and floor and piercing the Holy Noise dozens of times per second. "I have absolute faith in Master, so shall not ask her for progress… So, Vanessa, how is it going?"
The former Illuminati Frankenstein rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the vote of confidence…" She muttered, she, Carol, and former Illuminati werewolf Elsa working frantically at the controls of a massive machine resembling a pipe organ mixed with a Gothic computer dominating the center of the room, the zombie of Doctor Ver crucified in a capsule in the middle of it all, his Nephilim anatomy allowing him to serve as the power source for the Vatican's doomsday device. A copy of the Bible was placed in a dome receptacle just beneath the capsule, energy being channeled through both of them as prayers from churches all over the world were converted into the power the weaponized seat of religious authority needed to destroy and remake the world.
"It's… Going," Vanessa grunted, focusing on multiple holographic screens flashing before her at once, her mechanical digits split apart to hit far more keys than a regular human could. "We're making progress, but slower than I'd like."
"This thing is way more complex than yours was, Carol," Elsa complained, plugged into the organ through her tail port, which she emphatically and repeatedly claimed was not her butt.
"I've noticed," Carol snapped in frustration, using her Faust Robe's strings to manipulate dozens of keys, buttons, switches, and other contraptions simultaneously. "As much as I hate to admit it, da Vinci's designs far outclass my own… Which of course means they absolutely eclipse Prelati's."
"Hey!"
"Carol, you don't need to be mean to our friends," Elfnein, who shared Carol's body with her, protested.
"First, Prelati is not my friend, and second, yes I do," Carol said dismissively. "Dammit… I feel like I'm missing something. Something about this feels… Familiar somehow. I feel like I've forgotten something… But what is it?"
"Well, maybe if you didn't burn up your memories whenever you used alchemy for hundreds of years, your brain wouldn't be Swiss cheese!" Prelati jeered.
"Even with my brain full of holes, I was still the most powerful alchemist in the world for hundreds of years, far stronger than you all," Carol reported. "And now that I'm doing alchemy properly… I still am. Also, girls, please don't kill Prelati, she may still be useful though I have difficulty figuring out how."
"Awww," the Autoscorers complained, starting Prelati, who realized they'd been only moments away from killing her.
"Don't worry, girls! We all believe in you!" Cagliostro cheered.
"I don't," Prelati grumbled. Cagliostro smacked her without looking.
Saint-Germain struggled not to roll her eyes. She was so looking forward to a home-cooked meal and some much-needed cuddling from her refreshingly ordinary wife once this was over. Who would've thought she'd somehow become Hibiki Tachibana's stepmother?
"So you see, it's only a matter of time before our colleagues dismantle your doomsday machine and you fall before us like all who have come before you," Tsubasa declared.
"No… Richelieu, we have to do something!" The Pope begged frantically. "They're going to ruin everything!"
Richelieu clenched his teeth and sighed. "So it would seem… Fortunately, I thought something like this might happen."
"You did? Of course you did!" Innocent exclaimed, wrinkles creasing in relief. "Whatever you have planned, do it, do it now!"
"But of course," Richelieu said, snapping his fingers, a red geometric pattern briefly forming.
Abruptly, the Pope's Faust Robe shrank immensely to completely cover his frail form, immobilizing his body as it pinned his limbs to his sides. "Wh-what… What is…"
A horrible cracking sound could be heard as the Shroud of Turin began compressing further, crushing his bones and causing him to howl in agony, to the horror of the Valkyries. "Richelieu! Richelieu, something is wrong! Richelieu, help me, help-"
There was a sickening splat, like a paint balloon bursting. Some blood speckled Richelieu's cheek, and he calmly wiped it away.
Kirika threw up again.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Chris shrieked.
"What… Why did you do that? I thought he was your friend!" A shocked Hibiki protested.
Richelieu sneered, his face turning into a grotesque mask of hatred, his entire persona shifting in a moment. "Friend? Oh, my dear girl, he was never anything more than my pawn from start to finish!"
Maria gasped. "So, you're the one really behind everything!"
"Stare," Shirabe pointed out as she patted Kirika's heaving back.
"Yes, I'm aware it's not really that big a surprise, but we weren't expecting something like that!"
"This was always part of the plan, but your interference has forced me to enact it sooner than I would have liked," Richelieu said, regarding the bloodsoaked Shroud of Turin in cruel amusement. "Still, there should be just enough power to accomplish my goals."
"After what you just did, if you think we're going to let you remake the world into some sort of biblical paradise, then-" Kanade started, only to be interrupted by a burst of hysterical laughter from the Cardinal.
"Remake the world into some sort of Catholic utopia? Balderdash! My goals are much loftier than that. For you see, I am not Cardinal Richelieu. Cardinal Richelieu has never existed! In truth, I am…"
Richelieu cast off his robes, revealing he was wearing a German military uniform underneath, an armband with a swastika on it on his left arm, his wrinkles vanishing, hair darkening and most of his facial hair evaporating to leave only his toothbrush mustache behind. As the Choir started singing Horst-Wessel-Lied, the horrifically familiar man began to say, "Ad-"
"Charlie Chaplin!" Hibiki exclaimed.
Everyone stared at her.
"Hibiki, that's Adolf Hitler," Miku said slowly.
Hibiki laughed nervously and scratched the back of her head. "Right. Um. That was my second guess."
"To be fair, Chaplin did play a parody of Hitler in The Great Dictator, his first true sound film," Maria pointed out.
"I hated that movie!" The man who was apparently Adolf Hitler snapped.
"Somehow that does not come as a surprise," Tsubasa said.
"Okay, first of all, what the hell," Chris said calmly. "Second of all, WHAT THE HELL?!"
Maria gasped. "Of course! It all makes sense now!"
"It does?" Chris asked.
"It's so obvious!" Serena agreed. "All the clues were hidden in plain sight!"
"They were?"
"Yes, this has been heavily foreshadowed since the very beginning!" Tsubasa exclaimed.
"It… Has?"
"Death death!"
"Staaaaare."
"Okay, seriously, are you guys messing with me right now, or-"
"I am sure you silly little girls are wondering how I, Adolf Hitler, can stand before you, a century after my supposed death!" The great dictator, not to be confused with Charlie Chaplin, declared, a flowing cape that doubled as a Nazi flag generating behind him.
"Not really," Hibiki said. "Also we're not that little, most of us are at or nearing 20 now."
"We've encountered and fought so many historical figures who turned out to have faked their deaths and prolonged their lifespans by alchemical means now this sort of thing doesn't really faze us anymore," Maria said.
"I can't believe I got to have an orgy with Cleopatra, Amelia Ehrhardt, Catherine the Great, Anastasia, Mary Shelley, Elizabeth II, and Lady Gaga," Kanade said with a grin. "And I got their numbers!"
Hitler looked rather put out at this. "… Right. Well. I'm going to tell you anyway-"
"With the heretical technology the Nazis were able to amass during the war, including the relics that would later be used to create many of our Symphogears, you were able to make yourself into a superhuman in an attempt to fulfill your obsession with creating the Ubermensch," Maria theorized.
"Er…yes, but-"
"Unfortunately, you were unable to mass-produce these results or turn the heretical technology into the wonder weapons you dreamt of to win the war, and when the Allies invaded and you realized you had no chance of winning, you sent as much heretical technology as you could to your allies in South America then faked your death with the intention of waiting until the heat was off so you could resurface in South America and resume your study of heretical technology to trigger another war, but for whatever reason, were unable to do so," Tsubasa continued.
"That's… How did-"
"Death death! Death death death death! Death death death death death death death!" Kirika said.
"Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare," Shirabe added.
"All right, all right! You're right about everything!" Hitler snapped, infuriated. "Well, almost everything, I didn't start the Holocaust just to gather enough test subjects and sacrifices to try and get the heretical technology working, I really do hate the Jews. And the Gypsies. And quite a lot of other people."
"Why do you hate them so much?" Hibiki asked, having trouble comprehending so much hatred.
"If I were to list the reasons why, we'd be here all day, you can read it in my autobiography," Hitler said dismissively.
"I probably won't, sorry," Hibiki apologized.
"Hibiki, don't apologize to Adolf Hitler!" Chris hissed.
"Just because it's Hitler doesn't mean I have to be rude!" Hibiki retorted.
Miku and the parallel Hibiki nodded in agreement. Chris rolled her eyes.
"So why didn't you start from scratch in South America?" Tsubasa asked.
"After faking my death using wizardry-" Hitler began.
"You mean alchemy?" Serena interjected.
"Nein, I'm a wizard, not an alchemist, there's a difference," Hitler replied.
"Oh."
"Wizards are real now?" Kanade asked.
"Apparently," Maria said.
"After faking my death using wizardry," Hitler said loudly. "I hid in one of the crates of heretical technology being sent to South America and put myself into stasis until I arrived and could be revived by my followers. Unfortunately, some dummkopf screwed up the shipping label and I got sent to Antarctica where I didn't wake up until several decades later, long after most my followers had died or stopped waiting for me, and my chance to start a new war had passed."
"My heart bleeds," Chris said sarcastically.
"However, even though the years had passed, my ambitions had not dimmed one iota! Back during the war, my spies had been able to inform me of the true purpose of the Vatican and the Catholic Church's plans to resurrect Christ and remake the world in their image and knew that this could be my second chance to make my dream a reality!" Hitler declared. "After I felt enough time had passed and anyone still searching for me had given up, I took up the name and face of Richelieu and joined the church, slowly working my way up the ranks and manipulating events so a pawn of my choosing would become Pope and finally put their long-deferred plan into motion, while I was really the one pulling all the strings!"
"But how could you possibly profit from reviving Jesus and remaking the world so it was like the Bible?" A confused Maria asked.
"I couldn't!" Hitler exclaimed, to her confusion. "Which is why the book the Vatican is using as a blueprint to create the new world isn't the Bible at all, but a copy of Mein Kampf, which I was able to sneak in by hollowing out an actual Bible and sticking my book inside. I'd initially planned on just swapping dust jackets, but Innocent insisted on using some old Bible from before dust jackets were things, so I had to improvise."
"You couldn't… Just use wizardry or something to deceive everyone?" A baffled Hibiki asked.
Hitler shrugged. "Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best."
"Fair."
Shirabe gasped. "Staaaaaaaaaaaare."
"That's right!" Kanade realized. "If you're not using the Bible, then that means the new world will be one shaped by Nazi ideology instead!"
"Ja! Which means that it doesn't matter if you haven't or won't read my book, Fräulein Tachibana… Because in a matter of moments, you'll be living it!" Hitler bragged.
Hibiki gasped. "Wait, just to be clear, what does Nazi ideology say about lesbians?" She asked hesitantly.
"We hate them."
"THIS CANNOT STAND!" Kanade bellowed.
Chris frowned. "Hang on, hijacking the Vatican's plan to remake the world into some kind of Nazi dystopia-"
"Aryan utopia," Hitler insisted.
"I can get that, but why are you still resurrecting Jesus then? You can't believe he'd actually be okay with this, right?" Chris pointed out.
"Especially since he's got the wrong skin color to be accepted in your so-called utopia," Tsubasa said in disgust.
"Oh, I know Jesus would never choose to help me…" Hitler agreed, gesturing at the bloodsoaked Shroud of Turin, which floated towards him, the pulped contents sloshing about inside making everyone sick their stomachs. He produced a cup fit for a carpenter and held it beneath the Shroud, which started wringing itself out, blood pouring into the cup and causing Kirika to vomit for a third time.
And then Hitler drank the blood, and everyone felt like throwing up.
"Which is why I'm not giving him a choice in the matter!"
"Hang on… Was that…!" The parallel Hibiki realized.
"The Holy Grail? Ja!" Hitler confirmed, carelessly throwing the cup away. "Now that I have defiled the Shroud of Turin and partaken in a dark Eucharist, I have now forged a connection with mein brother… One which will allow me to possess him and become the true Ubermensch!"
Everyone gasped in horror. "Okay, wow, that's a level of blasphemy I don't think we've seen yet," Kanade said.
"Wait… You said… Brother?!" Miku realized.
"But how can that be possible? Unless… Are you, too, a creation of the Annunaki?!" Maria demanded.
Hitler shook his head. "Nein, I was born a man, even if I am beyond human now… But we are indeed brothers, for we were raised… By the same woman!"
He gestured, wizardry flickering around his fingers, and a panel on the wall was unveiled, revealing a portrait of…
"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!" Chris screamed.
It was Finé, because of course it was.
"Every time! Every! FUCKING! TIME!" Chris shouted, unleashing a volley of missiles at the ceiling in frustration.
"Wait, there was already one hidden portrait of her, why did you have another one ready instead of just reusing it-" a confused Kanade asked, only to be ignored.
Tsubasa sighed. "You know, learning that she was the architect of World War II shouldn't be as much of a surprise as it is."
Maria nodded in agreement. "A sadist like her would no doubt have taken great enjoyment in the Holocaust."
"She did," Hitler confirmed.
"Death?" Kirika asked Shirabe.
She scowled. "Stare!"
Her eyes rolled back in her skull as she again communed with the ghost in her brain. "STARE!"
"I told you, I've hatched so many schemes I can't remember them all!" Finé said defensively. "I thought it would be a hilarious twist of irony for the man regarded by most of humanity as a savior to be possessed by man I groomed to be the incarnation of evil! And it was!" She laughed maniacally for a few minutes then stopped, a blank look on her face. "Oh shit, Enki was right, I do have a problem."
Shirabe's eyes rolled back down. "Stare," she grunted.
Everyone groaned.
"Well, at least she's admitting it," Hibiki said optimistically. "That's usually the first step to recovery."
Her parallel self nodded. "It certainly helped me."
"We can see about getting her some much-needed therapy later, we have to stop Hitler before he possesses Jesus!" Kanade cried. "Which is not a sentence I ever thought I would have to say!"
Hitler grinned cruelly as his body began to dissolve into sand. "Oh, but fraulein, the thing is…"
Jesus Christ's eyes flew open as Hitler's body disintegrated completely. "You already are!"
Jesus – or rather, Adolf Hitler, because that was who was clearly in the driver's seat – flexed his limbs, causing the True Cross to shatter, splinters flying everywhere before reassembling to form a truly massive wooden cruciform greatsword which Hitler grabbed from the air. His crown of thorns burst into flames, transforming into an iron helm with an eagle motif, while the Shroud of Turin flowed towards him, engulfing his body and encasing it in bloodstained black and red armor covered in Eagle motifs and swastikas, the chest shaped to look like the face of Hitler. Hitler passed a glowing hand over his face, causing Jesus's features to melt like wax and reform to match those of its new owner, his skin lightening several degrees to better match his sensibilities as a swastika formed on his forehead. The cape from his discarded previous body attached itself to his shoulders, elongating to better match his new height. "Now, I am the Messiah!"
"Well shit," Kanade said finally.
"You know, when I got up this morning, it never occurred to me that we would have to fight Adolf Hitler possessing the husk of Jesus Christ," Chris said, unusually calm. "In hindsight, I probably should have, considering what our lives are like."
"Impossible! How can you use the Faust Robe?!" Tsubasa demanded, horrified.
"While Faust Robes are indeed intended for the use of womenfolk, you forget, it belonged to this body first," Hitler said smugly. "And because it absorbed a fraction of Christ's power, that means it will obey mein will! Well, augmented by a dash of wizardry," he admitted.
He slammed his True Cross blade against the ground, cracking it. "And because of the Shroud's ability to resist the special effects of other relics, I'm immune to the God-killing power of Gungnir… And with the True Cross, I can break your fragile relics for good! I am completely invincible! I am the Messiah! I am the God of the New World! You cannot stop me now!"
"Even so!" Hibiki shouted, cutting him off mid-laugh. "We'll still fight!"
"And if you're really so invincible… Then why do you still have that wound?" Serena asked.
"What? What wound-"
Hitler glanced down and was astonished to see that his new armor was not completely covering his body. There was a hole on his left side, exposing the wound that had killed his new vessel 2000 years ago. "That… Why is that…"
Hitler passed a glowing hand over the wound, which started to close…
Only for the new flesh to immediately turn necrotic and wither away. "What?! What is this?!"
Tsubasa smiled. "It looks like the wound inflicted by Gungnir 2000 years ago isn't so easy to get rid of, even with all your new power."
"Which means that just as Gungnir struck down Christ in the past…" Maria started to say.
"It can do so again! Fuck yeah!" Chris exclaimed eagerly.
"Death death death!"
"Staaaaaaare."
Hitler snarled, frustrated by his continued failures to heal himself. "It is no matter! This body is bolstered by the prayers and belief from Easter Masses all over the world which the Vatican has been collecting to remake this planet… And my spirit is infused with the hatred of neo-Nazis, hate groups, Holocaust deniers, Internet trolls, and a good chunk of the southern United States and Middle East! And even without that monumental power boost…"
He grinned as a sinister aura formed around him. "Time has run out. Despite the meddling of your alchemist friends, the Vatican has by now gathered enough power to initiate total global reconstruction! The Eternal Reich begins now!"
He slammed his free hand on the floor, causing angry-looking red markings and patterns to spread out to cover every surface in the room.
There were a lot of swastikas.
As the Valkyries tensed, the red light grew brighter and brighter as Hitler laughed madly…
When suddenly the entire floating complex shook, and the wizardry, including the barrier Hitler had conjured earlier, shattered. The Choir's voices sputtered and went out. "WHAT?!"
"It stopped? But… How?" A startled Tsubasa asked.
"It's a miracle!" Hibiki cheered.
Hexagons filled the air and formed a projection of Carol's face. "It was most certainly not a miracle! You know how I feel about that word!"
"Right, sorry," Hibiki apologized.
Serena gasped. "Carol!"
Carol smiled fondly at her. "Serena. And your friends, whom I care far less about."
"Come on Carol, you know you love them too!" Elfnein said cheerfully.
"I do not shut up."
"Carol! Did you stop the Vatican?" Maria asked.
Carol scoffed. "Of course I did. I'm the greatest alchemist in the world."
"Debatable!" Prelati shouted from offscreen.
"NOBODY ASKED YOU, HAG!" Carol shouted at her.
"SCREW YOU, CAROL!"
"OH, I BET YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU, YOU SICK PIECE OF SHIT?"
"FUCK YOU, I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE!"
"YOUR BROWSER HISTORY SAYS OTHERWISE!"
"THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING ON MY COMPUTER?!"
"MAKING SURE NONE OF US WOKE UP TO FIND YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING US OR WORSE!"
The Valkyries exchanged uncomfortable looks as Hitler shifted awkwardly. "Is… Is this something we really need to be witness to-"
"Both of you, be quiet!" Saint-Germain pushed Carol out of the picture to take up the screen. "Hibiki and Hibiki! Are you both all right?!" She demanded frantically.
"Everything's fine, mom!" Hibiki assured her.
"Though it looks like we're fighting Adolf Hitler possessing the body of Jesus Christ now," the parallel Hibiki said.
"What?! Hitler is alive? Again?! I could have sworn we got rid of him for good back in the nineties… Don't worry, we'll be up there as soon as we can to help-" Saint-Germain started to say, only for Carol to shove her offscreen again.
"Yes, yes, you're a great stepmom, now shut up so I can brag about how brilliant I am!" Carol grunted.
"You're the greatest, Master!" Micha squealed, trying to mug the camera.
"Yes, I know, get out of the way!" Carol snarled, kicking her out of frame.
"Wheeeee!"
"This is impossible!" Hitler protested. "The workings of the Vatican should be beyond even you, Dienheim!"
Carol sniffed. "Normally I'd take offense at that, but in this instance you're… Partially correct."
"Oh wow, did you just admit a fault?"
"SHUT IT PRELATI! Anyway, da Vinci's Infernal Machine did indeed seem to be beyond me, even with the questionable aid of Diodati and my sister's puppy!"
"Carol!" Elfnein scolded.
"Ugh, fine, even with the questionable aid of Diodati and the somewhat adequate assistance of my sister's puppy."
"… Thanks?"
"And just when it seemed as if I would have to admit defeat, I remembered something. Something very important," Carol said, eyes looking far away.
"Actually, I remembered-" Elfnein started.
"Leonardo da Vinci was indeed a genius," Carol interrupted. "The most brilliant man of the Renaissance, unmatched for centuries before and after. Smart enough to convert the Vatican into a Château de Tiffauges and encode its instructions into the painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the margins of Mona Lisa, and the background of The Last Supper."
"What, like in that old movie -" Chris asked.
"Of course not, don't be preposterous, Dan Brown was a hack. Where was I… Right, smart enough to realize that the machine he'd created was too powerful for anyone to control, especially the church. Smart enough to realize the church would get rid of him as soon as he had outlived his usefulness. Smart enough to fake his death and start a new life, with a new face and name-"
"Does any of this have a point, or-" an irritated Hitler asked.
"AND FAMILY, entrusting all of his alchemical knowledge and legacy to his only child, his brilliant, beautiful, and admittedly unworthy daughter," Carol continued.
It took everyone a moment to comprehend this.
"Wait… Then… You're saying that-" Maria gasped.
Carol grinned. "That's right. My papa, Izak Malus Dienheim… In another time, another life, was known by the name of Leonardo da Vinci! And while I carelessly threw away so many of my memories with him in my foolish vendetta against the world, at long last, I remembered the most important thing he ever told me: that he was smart enough to include a failsafe!"
Everyone gasped in amazement as Hitler paled in horror.
"I thought the most important thing he told us was that he loved us," Elfnein interjected.
"Well yes, of course, that goes without saying," Carol admitted.
"And that we should never do memory combustion because while it's an incredibly powerful form of alchemy it causes immense mental instability."
"Okay, yes, that too-"
"Also it turns out he explicitly told us not to destroy the world if he should die an unfortunate end at the hands of alchemist-fearing religious zealots-"
"That's enough, Elfnein, I think they get the picture!" Carol hissed.
"Wait a second… Holy shit, you just admitted that you were unworthy!" Prelati shouted from offscreen, bursting into laughter.
"I SWEAR TO DEAD GOD PRELATI, ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU-"
"Nein… Nein! This cannot be!" Hitler exclaimed in horror, his aura dissipating. "Mein power… The faith of those religious imbeciles, the hatred of my unwitting followers around the world… It's fading!"
"Well of course it is," Carol said smugly. "Now that I've activated the failsafe, all the Vatican's systems are now fully under my control. I've cut you off from the power you've been absorbing and have already begun reconstructing the parts of Rome that were disassembled. Not only that, but there's also still more than enough power left over to give those who need it what they need to take you down!"
The Choir promptly began singing once more… Not hymns, not the Nazi anthem, but a song of joy and hope, a promise that no matter how dark the night seemed, the dawn would always come again.
"This song," Tsubasa whispered, eyes widening. "It's…"
"One of ours!" Kanade said excitedly.
"Of course it is. I replaced Mein Kampf with the latest album from Drei Wing, an album downloaded and listened to by billions of people all across the world… People who adore you all," Carol said, her smile almost fond at this admission. "In a way, you could say it's its own sort of prayer. A prayer to you Valkyries."
"And with that prayer, the resulting phonic gain will be…" Elfnein started.
"Immeasurable!" They chorused.
"Just like my estrogen levels!" Cagliostro yelled, forcing herself into view and squishing the camera against her breasts as Carol squawked indignantly.
Everyone's armor started glowing, resonating in tune with the song emanating from the Choir. "This feeling! It can only be-" Maria started.
"Death death death death!" Kirika cheered excitedly.
"That's right! X Drive!" Serena said eagerly.
"Or the equivalent, in my case," the parallel Hibiki added.
"Nein…nein nein NEIN!" Hitler shouted furiously, slamming his sword against the ground. "You think this will be enough to stop me?! Even without the power from the Vatican, I'm still in the body of the one the most powerful beings in the world, one who has practically reached apotheosis from thousands of years of worship and sacrifice despite being dead, wearing one of the most powerful Faust Robes ever created, and am one of the greatest wizards currently alive! And all that aside…
"If you should defeat me… What do you think happens next?"
The girls exchanged puzzled looks. "We… Celebrate?" Hibiki said in confusion. "Since we saved the world again?"
"I'm up for a party," Chris commented.
"Orgy at my place!" Kanade yelled, grabbing both Tsubasa and Maria.
"Kanade, you live in the mobile command center," Serena pointed out.
"I know what I said."
"Death."
"Stare," Shirabe said as she and Kirika locked hands and exchanged incredibly sappy looks.
Hitler laughed harshly. "Imbeciles! Have you forgotten? I'm in the body of Jesus Christ. To defeat me, you'll have to destroy him as well! Can you imagine the global backlash that will cause?!"
Everyone stiffened as they considered this. "Wait… That's…" Miku whispered.
"I… suppose a lot of people would be rather angry…" An uneasy Maria admitted.
"Pretty sure that's an understatement," Chris growled.
"Angry?! They'll skewer you," Hitler sneered. "Millions of Christians will despise you for killing their Lord, and your many critics will demand to know why you didn't do anything to save him! There is already quite a lot of political strife stirring in the United Nations because SONG has a monopoly on some of the most powerful individuals in the world, ones capable of destroying entire nations if not the planet, and if that should happen, there isn't really anything they can do to stop you! This just adds fuel to the fire!"
"But… But we would never-" Hibiki stammered.
"And you think that matters to them? Beneath all their smiling faces and gratitude is fear!" Hitler taunted them. "The politicians know that their control over you is more illusory than they care to admit, and something like this will only add fuel to the fire! There will be demands for more restrictions on your activities! Endless bureaucracy! The inability to use your most powerful abilities or even transform without strict authorization! No say in who you fight and when! No autonomy whatsoever! And of course, if you dare protest, you'll just paint yourselves as the uncontrollable loose cannons they fear you already are and give them the excuse they've been waiting for to shut you down for good! And you know as well as I this is not an idle threat… For you have already suffered such oppression before beneath the yoke of Fudo Kazanari! And do you truly think he was the only one of his kind in the world?"
Tsubasa trembled, Maria and Kanade grabbing her by the shoulders. "No… I know he is not…"
"You shall be reviled and shunned by the people you seek to protect! Your names spoken of in the same breath as Judas Iscariot of even myself! People will stop going to Kazanari's concerts, which might actually be a good thing, given the absurd mortality rate among her attendees!" Hitler leered.
Tsubasa flinched.
"Hey, they all signed waivers when they bought the tickets, they knew perfectly well they were taking their lives into their own hands when they went!" Kanade said defensively.
"I don't think that's helping," Maria murmured to her.
"You bastard!" Chris snarled furiously.
Hitler laughed. "Your victory will be nothing but pyrrhic, and you shall be cursed the rest of your days!"
"Yeah, but at least you won't be around to see it-" Chris started.
"Even so."
Hitler started when Hibiki stood resolute, a look of sheer determination in her eyes. "We will still fight."
Hitler snarled. "Were you not listening, fraulein? Even if you defeat me, by killing the one believed by so many to be a Messiah-"
"I already know what it's like to be shunned and hated for something I had no control over," Hibiki interrupted calmly, reaching a hand up to touch the scar where a fragment from Gungnir had pierced her heart at that concert all those years ago. "To be blamed, to be rejected, to be abandoned…"
There were uncomfortable and pained looks on all her friends' faces, especially her sister/other self, knowing all too well what she was referring to.
"Hibiki…" Miku murmured.
"Even so, I kept going. All of us did," Hibiki said, clenching her hand into a fist. "So what makes you think this time will be any different?"
"You… You childish, naïve dummkopf!" Hitler snarled in disgust.
"Hey! Only I get to call her a dummy!" Chris said angrily.
"And a curse? Is that supposed to frighten me?" Hibiki smiled. "Do you know how many curses I've been inflicted with already? The curse of Gungnir, to be slowly killed inside out by my own Symphogear. The Curse of Balal, which meant that from birth I was tainted with original sin and doomed to never truly be able to understand another person. The curse of the God-killer, which declared that all my power was good for was destroying things, not helping people.
"And every single one of those curses I destroyed. Like my dad told me, the kanji for curse and blessing are almost the same because they're two sides of the same coin. I use Gungnir freely without fear of losing my life. The Curse of Balal is gone forever. And I used my God-killing power to save the woman I'm going to marry, turning a fist good only for destroying into an open hand that joins with the hands and hearts of others to create a new tomorrow."
She extended a fist, then opened it into an outstretched palm. "And I will do so again. As many times as it takes."
Hitler stared at her incredulously, then burst into laughter. "You?! You would offer your hand to me? ME?! Are you truly so deluded as to think that I could be your friend, that I would ever wish it, you worthless, ignorant, inferior subhuman?!"
"No. Of course not. I know there's no point," Hibiki said, surprising him, as well as her friends, to a lesser extent. "This hand isn't for you. It's for the person you're possessing."
"That I'm…" Hitler laughed again. "You truly are a dummkopf! This body is mine now! There's no one else in here but me!"
"Then why is there still a wound from Gungnir that you can't heal?" Hibiki asked.
Hitler froze.
"And why is there a chink in your armor exposing it?" She pressed.
"That's-" Hitler hesitated, a flicker of uncertainty crossing his face.
"Hey yeah… Why does he have a very sizable hole exposing it?" The parallel Hibiki realized.
"Could… Could this mean…!" Tsubasa exclaimed.
"…Nein. This is… An oversight, easy corrected," Hitler said quickly, hands glowing as he held it over the hole in his armor. The sides of the hole rattled…
And didn't budge.
"Nein."
He tried again.
No effect.
"Nein!"
Again.
No effect.
"NEIN!"
Failure.
"NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!"
This time, the hole actually got wider.
"This is impossible!" Hitler shrieked. "The power of the Messiah is mine! The Shroud of Turin is mine! Why… Why will you not obey me?!"
"Because you aren't the Messiah, and that power isn't yours, and neither is the Shroud!" Chris realized.
"Jesus Christ is alive… And fighting you the only way he can!" Maria said in relation.
"Death!"
"Stare."
"It makes no difference!" Hitler shouted, the look of panic on his face saying otherwise. "You still cannot save him! Or do you think that hugging me will banish me from his body like you were able to exorcise Shem-Ha from your hure?! The situation is totally reversed this time! That won't work!"
Chris's eye twitched. "Did he just call Miku what I think he did?"
"He did," said the parallel Hibiki, trembling with rage.
"Ah. Good. Another reason to kill him," Chris said serenely. "You know, I think I feel closer to enlightenment already today."
Hibiki was also clearly infuriated, but only showed it with a thin smile. "You know, Hitler, you and people like you keep making the same mistake. Thinking that just because I'm strongest, that I have the power to kill gods, that I am the biggest threat. But you know, that's not necessarily true. Plenty of the others can do things I could never dream of doing. Things that make them just as capable of winning as my God-slaying power or ability to connect with others.
"Isn't that right, Miku?"
Miku shot her an infatuated smile, already seeing where she was going with this. "That's right, Hibiki."
Hitler looked confused. "What are you talking about? The Shenshoujing's ability to destroy relics is of no use against me. It can destroy my True Cross, yes, but I've already told you, my armor is immune to the special effects of other relics!"
"That's right, it is," Miku confirmed. "But that's not all Shenshoujing can do. It can break curses and purify bad luck. And if it was able to purge the Curse of Balal from Hibiki and myself… What do you think it will do to an evil spirit like yourself, possessing the body of another?"
Hitler paled. "But… mein armor-"
"You mean the armor with a big hole in it right over your biggest weak spot?" Parallel Hibiki asked smugly.
"…Scheiße!"
"Holy crap, that was actually pretty smooth of them," Prelati admitted grudgingly. "And that speech… You sure you haven't been giving your kid lessons, Saint-Germain, because that's the sort of thing that got us to follow you to the gates of hell and back."
"That was a fun weekend," Cagliostro remembered fondly.
A tearful Saint-Germain sniffed, hugging a very irritated Carol to her chest. "No… It comes naturally! I'm so proud of her!"
"Me too!" Cagliostro squealed, squishing her breasts into Carol's face.
"WILL YOU ALL GET OFF OF ME."
"Nein! Nein Nein NEIN!" Hitler shouted desperately. "You will not stop me! Not after I have come this far!"
"Yeah? Well, we're not giving you a choice in the matter," Kanade grinned, punching an open palm.
"Everyone, phonic gain has passed the minimum threshold! You're good to go!" Aoi Tomosato said over their communicators.
"100 years ago, Hitler attempted to use heretical technology – including your own relics – to dominate the world!" Genjuro barked. "It's time to show him just what that power is really capable of! Unleash the songs of your hearts! Prove that you are indeed the saviors of the New Age! AND THAT BUDDHISM-"
"Commander!" Ogawa said sharply.
"Right, sorry, got carried away."
Hibiki joined hands with Miku, Chris, and her parallel self. Since Carol wasn't present, Serena took the hand of her sister, who had formed a chain with Kanade and Tsubasa. Kirika and Shirabe, far from being left out, held each other.
And then, armor glowing brilliantly, they began to sing. (As did Carol, reluctantly, enjoying it more than she wanted to admit.)
Gatrandis babel ziggurat edenal
Emustolronzen Finé el balal zizzl
Gatrandis babel ziggurat edenal
Emustolronzen Finé el zizzl
The Sistine Chapel exploded, the Choir vaporized instantly, and Hitler blasted out into the open air, crying out in anguish. 10 points of colored lights twinkled in the conflagration below, and the Valkyries streaked up to meet him as beneath them, the floating mass of Vatican City began to crumble as the last pieces of Rome were restored, although the city was far from fully repaired since the Lemurians forces were still fighting the church loyalists, the Deep Six clashing with the Seven Virtues as Leviathan battled the four Cardinal Virtues.
Hitler clenched his teeth, eyes watering from the blinding light as he found himself faced with the 10 Valkyries, all in their ultimate (for now) forms, the beautifully divine Shining X-Drive! (Or in Miku and the parallel Hibiki's case, Shining X-Drive Unlimited and Shining Symphonic Drive.) "Nein…" He whispered feebly.
"Is everyone ready?" Hibiki asked her friends and lovers, all of them still holding hands.
"Yes! (Death!/Stare!)" everyone shouted.
"Then here we go!" Hibiki shouted. "LET'S KILL HITLER!"