Raji can still remember her laughter, the way it sounded, the way it felt to have made her laugh. He can still remember the taste of the apple pies or apple tarts she'd make for picnics, even though he always preferred picnic tables to a blanket on the grass. He can't eat apples anymore without thinking of her.
He remembers the way it felt with her hand in his, the way it felt to feel a bit more stable, a bit more held together. He remembers the way she kissed him, and the way it felt to know that he was safe with her, that she somehow knew him so well and yet loved him anyway.
Raji misses her, misses the sound of her laughter, misses the safety of being around her, where he could be vulnerable and real, and she'd still be there. He misses Shirayuki.
It had been a few months, and their breakup had been a bit messy. It maybe would have been fine, before it blew up, before it became an argument that neither of them meant to have, and it just went so south there.
He'd been trying to ask her if she'd like to marry him, before she told him that they should break up. Shirayuki had stood strong; she was always so strong, and yet there were tears in her eyes, and she was honest. She didn't see a future in their relationship, not anymore, that she thought it would do both of them good to break up and move on with their lives.
Raji is just really bad at moving on, it turns out. Though he sort of knew that before.
And it had been surreal. She was moving away after college, already had an acceptance letter to a job offering in Clarines, and she was eager to grow and learn there. And Raji didn't want to leave Tanbarun anyway, had remembered being nervous about her applying to that job.
"What happens to us, if they accept you?" Raji had asked earnestly and honestly.
"I move and we can go long distance. It will be okay." Shirayuki had been pretty sure of herself then, pretty sure that it would all be fine as she'd leave.
"And if you like it there more than here?" Raji had been nervous, heart to his throat kind of nervous.
"We'll figure it out then. It will be good for me and probably good for us." Shirayuki seemed so assured, and then leaned over, taking his hands in hers and kissed him. It had felt like a cool glass of water, reassuring and together.
It was only later that Raji's anxiety and worry returned, and he'd kind of wanted Shirayuki to be happy. And he had feared that he was stopping her, but he'd also hoped to marry her. And he hadn't been sure what that would look like or how it would work, but he'd been willing to try.
Just it became a disaster. It was not the conversation Raji had prepared himself for nor expected, though really if he'd read the signals better, perhaps he could have anticipated it.
It wasn't that they weren't mostly happy together or that Shirayuki hadn't been willing to work things out; it was just that Raji had been stubborn and set in his ways.
And leading up to the argument and their breakup, he'd half-wanted to propose to stop her from going to Clarines, to stop their long distance. In moments after, he's been slowly learning to be honest with himself and understand his own reasons.
He'd bought the ring, prepped a proposal speech with an original poem, even debated putting together an orchestra for the event, though he'd mostly decided an orchestra was probably too flamboyant for Shirayuki, and she deserved better.
And then, they argued.
It had started with her telling him about the Clarinesian job again and a few rough sketches of how long distance would work. Like we will do phone calls, and you can write me letter poems, and we'll visit every chance we get.
Perhaps later I'll even move back, if I can find a new job in Tanbarun that this job would get me ready for, types of suggestions.
And then, Raji snapped, and he didn't mean to yell. Or to complain. Or to whine. And yet he did, and Shirayuki gave up trying too. And she argued, and in the heat of the moment pointed out every type of compromise she'd done to make things better for him.
And then, she finally told him, she was done.
She hasn't answered or returned any of his calls since. And Raji feels miserable on campus now.
Last semester until they both have their own respective college degrees, and he's never been more miserable. Raji has attempted to write home to talk about his semester, but every attempt he makes sounds too bleak and miserable to send to Rona and Eugena, and sometimes even to Sakaki who always worries too much as it is anyway.
And so he reads the letters they send, smiles weakly at them, and goes to class. And calls Shirayuki, who doesn't answer his calls.
He's started apologizing. He's starting begging for a second chance. He's started composing really sad poems about their breakup and sometimes reading those longings to be back together in his messages.
Raji is an absolute wreck, and he hopes Shirayuki's better than he is. And a part of him hopes she's longing to be back with him, that she hurts too. That part feels so selfish that he wants to scream.
He isn't well. He isn't one that handles heartbreak well at all.
It's a couple days from the end of the semester now, and Raji is exhausted. He hasn't really been sleeping all that well anymore, hasn't in a little while. And then, he spots red, and his stomach turns. A reminder. A reminder of heartbreak and hope, and then, he turns to look despite himself.
And there's Shirayuki. She's dressed in a cute summer-y dress, and her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. And Raji is vaguely sure he's staring.
She's always been beautiful, but he's half-positive that after they started dating, she'd become more beautiful. And here she was: beautiful and out of reach.
"Raji?" She speaks before he does, and he, for some reason, thought he might be invisible before this.
"Yeah?" He answers, tripping over any more descriptive words.
"Move on, okay?" She looks a little sad as she peers up at him, and yet she's honest and there's a speck of love in her eyes.
"What if I wait until after you've moved back?" Raji's tongue feels swollen, and he's half-ready to tip. He hadn't expected to see her today or at all since. They had different Majors; their graduation ceremonies were at different times and days even.
He thought maybe if she'd return his calls, he'd see her again and have time to prepare even a coherent thought to share.
"I might not come back." She steps closer, and despite the fact that he can tell she's second guessing herself, she takes his hands in hers, "I'm not going to uproot you. Your life is here."
Raji can remember her saying before that he'd become the reason she loved Tanbarun and called it home; those were happier times and happier memories.
"You're my hope and my life now." Raji stumbles through the words; maybe he'd move to Clarines with her. His family would be upset, but he could deal with that then.
"I'm not going to make you move to another country and be miserable." Somehow it sounds so reasonable and so smart and so self-sacrificing put this way. Raji is positive though that out of the two of them, Shirayuki is definitely the nobler, the kinder, the stronger, and the braver.
"If I'm with you, I shouldn't be miserable." Raji attempts to argue, to convince, to plead his case.
"Neither of us know anyone there, and you don't have a job lined up. So, I'd meet people, you wouldn't have any idea what to talk about with." Shirayuki reasoned.
"But I'd have you." And Raji is pretty sure, he isn't supposed to be crying right now, but he can't quite help it.
"I can't be there all the time; I'd have work." Shirayuki let go of his hands and for a moment, Raji thought she was going to hug him, "And you'd need people to talk to and something to do."
"I could write you poetry?" Raji suggests; it's an easy solution anyway.
"Poetry doesn't take all day." Shirayuki does have a point here, and yet Raji is half-desperate.
"It will be fine."
"And you told me going long distance would kill you." And maybe that was an exaggeration, though Raji still isn't sure if it was. He thought their breakup would kill him, but so far he's still alive, just miserable.
"I'm still alive right now, so..." He doesn't really have any more words to argue this out; he can't think of any.
"Please do me a favor and move on; be happy." And when Shirayuki tries to smile now, Raji can tell its fake for the first time. Tears are gathered in her eyes, and he realizes he's been hurting her.
"I'm sorry." Raji apologizes; he means it. He's sorry for hurting her. Sorry for every sacrifice she's had to make for him, especially if they made her unhappy.
"I love you." And Shirayuki pauses as if the words were a knife and she didn't mean to stab him with them, "And I want you to be happy. I was angry when we broke up, but I realized after that I couldn't put you through all this."
"I love you too." Raji isn't sure if that's too much to admit, "And I miss you."
"I miss you too, but please be happy." Her words are still a plea, and Raji doesn't want this to really be over, still.
"I will try." But she's always sacrificing for him, and suddenly he feels like he doesn't sacrifice enough for her.
"Thank you." And Shirayuki turns away, and Raji feels a tad numb even though he realizes now how much this decision hurts both of them, not just him, but also Shirayuki.
"And I'll stop calling. I don't like it when you're sad." He's always been able to be a bit more vulnerable around Shirayuki than he is around anybody else and now is no exception. He's made a lot of mistakes, both in their relationship and in general, but he wants to do what's right for her and if it's this, then he'll do it.
And Shirayuki turns to look at him, wordless now, and he sees the sadness in her eyes that makes him want to back down from his previous claim, but she's probably been just as sad as right now anyway.
"I'm sorry." He says finally.
"I forgive you." And Shirayuki attempts another smile, this one small and a bit more real, "Goodbye, Raji."
"Goodbye." He answers, feeling that rush of sadness that nearly bows him over again, but he wants the best for her, always has, and if that isn't him, then it's going to be what he'll live with and bear anyway.