The tentative knock pulls me out of another mind-numbing spiral of disastrous thought as I sit alone in my room. Well…his room. Fuck. Our room. Xaden wouldn't knock, and in searching for and feeling his quiet bond, I know he's not even close.
Godsdamned Assembly. The night when Xaden and I desperately need to talk and actually want to is when they decide that his squad needs to fly a four hour patrol, and in an hour, I'm meeting Dain to dive into research on why the hell the wards aren't what they're supposed to be. For right now, I'm left sitting in this damn room, still in my uniform as if I'm waiting for the call to arms, just…waiting.
The knock echoes again and I pull the door open quickly, ready to give a death glare that rivals Riorson's while throwing in a complementary 'fuck off' to whoever is on the other side. That plan dies the second I see the blonde hair and tear-filled blue eyes of Sloane Mairi.
"Sloane. Are…are you okay?"
She gulps and her head wobbles, definitely not a nod and definitely not a shake. Definitely not okay. I gesture for her to enter by holding out my hand, and she wrings hers as a flash of panic fills her eyes.
"I…don't want to…"
Right. Siphon. "Have you been practicing your shields?"
She nods.
"Good. Do whatever you need to build them one layer deeper, separating you from your power. If you don't access it, it won't happen. I promise."
It takes a full ten seconds of me standing with my hand out for her to take it, but she does. I know she can feel the wards as she passes through, but once inside, she quickly drops my hand and steps a few feet away.
"Do…you…want to sit?" I gesture to the chair next to the bed while I take the one at the desk on the other side of the room, giving her space.
She sits and finally meets my eyes. "I don't understand what happened when…when I took your power, and I want to know what happened."
She must see my confusion and reacts with some of her own, and we just end up staring at each other. Finally, I break the silence. "Could you be…more specific?"
"What the hell is your signet? It's not lightning…I don't know what it is."
"It's…power. I just turn it into lightning because that's the easiest form in my mind for it to take." That doesn't seem to help. "Why?"
"It really fucking hurt. Does it always hurt that bad?"
Does it always hurt? I think hard. The crackling energy, the powerful surge through my veins, the molten fire under my skin, the heat that threatens to split me apart at the seams, the flame I feel I could breathe from my lungs.
"Yes. But…everything always hurts in me. I guess I've just gotten used to what Tairn's power feels like."
Another lapse of silence and I let her sit in her thoughts.
"When Liam wrote about you, he never mentioned your…joints and bones and stuff."
I feel the emotion of missing him rear its ugly head. It's been a while, and that makes me even sadder.
"That's okay. We didn't really talk about it much, and he never asked."
"Did…you read the letters?"
I quickly shake my head. "They weren't for me."
She nods and looks down at her lap. The sob that tears from her absolutely guts me, and I'm up and across the room in seconds with my arms wrapped around her shoulders as her hands cling to the fabric of my uniform.
"I'm sorry. Gods, I'm so sorry, Sloane."
Long minutes pass until her crying morphs into sniffles, but she continues to cling so I continue to rock gently on my feet despite the throb in my left knee, one hand rubbing soothing circles over her back.
She pulls back with a shuddering sigh, and as she looks up at me with such deep sorrow in those crystalline eyes, my heart breaks all over again. "I miss him," she whispers.
I set my hand to the crown of her head to smooth back her soft hair with a nod, "Gods me too." I step back to sit on the edge of the bed, still giving her space but also saying, 'I'm right here'.
She pulls her legs up to her chest, her chin on her knees, and she looks for a moment just as small as I am. "I counted the days for seven years until I could see him again…but now…I'll never get to stop counting."
All I can do is nod, and I play absently with a loose piece of worn leather on one of the sheaths at my thigh. She falls silent, however.
"Can I share something with you?" I ask. She nods and turns, her cheek taking the place of her chin. "Back in Basgiath," I feel a big lump forming in my throat but swallow it down. "Liam became a really good friend of mine despite the fact that I was so angry over how he got stuck with me."
I clear my throat. "When I got caught," I pause, "and tortured, my mind brought him back. I know it was just dehydration and…pain, but…the only reason I got through five days of getting the shit kicked out of me was Liam, even if he wasn't real. He promised he'd protect me and it killed him. When he came back, or when my mind projected him into that interrogation chamber to protect me from Major Varrish, just the memory of him kept me from breaking through everything that happened. I…I've never told anyone that."
More silence, and I can hear his voice telling me how proud he is of me, and fresh anguish constricts my heart as if I'm feeling the loss from Ressen, from when I recalled it for Dain, and now as I live in the memory.
"When…Mom would leave and our dad would close himself off in his office, Liam would sit and hold me while I cried. Every night, every storm, every time I felt alone." Sloane sighs and unfolds herself before coming to sit next to me on the cushion, and our bodies reactively turn toward one another, folding our legs as if we were Rhi and I gossiping like we used to so many nights during our first year.
"Xaden…didn't order Liam to watch over you. Liam told Xaden to let him do it. And…it wasn't just to protect Xaden, it was because he saw how strong you were and thought it would be a tragedy if you both were taken out because some asshole wanted revenge on either of your parents."
My jaw drops and I know she's just realized that was something new to me.
"He said that in one of his letters…I…I thought you knew that."
My head shakes all on its own. "I didn't…but…that's okay. That makes…a lot of sense."
Sloane and I heave heavy sighs at the same and it makes us both let out watery chuckles.
"Everything about him is gone."
That's our culture, whether or not all do the burning they're supposed to.
But she's wrong.
"No, Sloane," she frowns at my counter. "We have you." I don't stop the tears when I meet her eyes. "You have - so much - of your brother in you. You dragged me out of that cave from beneath the feet of a terrifyingly unhinged orange dragon, as a first year, without a manifested signet. You've found your strength and he would be so proud of you."
Her lip trembles and she leans in to throw her arms around me, and I hold her tightly as we shed tears onto one another's shoulders. When we pull back, everything in me feels so much lighter, and the silence we lapse into is comforting.
Sloane takes in and exhales a deep breath, resolve shining in her eyes. "It's not fair that he only gets to live in our memories, because the things he made for me while I was so scared at night were my favorite things." A pang hits my heart and my eyes shift over to the bookshelf across the room. "I would do anything to have just one of those back."
I'm moving, my feet carrying me across the room where my eyes have been focused. I reach, and the cool wood fits in the palm of my hand, my eyes taking in every detail while walking back, knowing this will be the last time I can cherish it. It seems very fitting that the one I would get to keep is the one that Liam never finished.
The gasp and the tears are instant, and she reverently takes the Tairn figurine into her shaking hands.
"I can't take this from you…he - he was special to you too."
She follows my point to where the unfinished Andarna sculpt sits, now alone, on the shelf. "Two dragons, remember?"
She cradles it in her palms looking lovingly at every single detail, and the glorious smile she gives me mends the crack that's lived in my heart since I left him on the battlefield in Ressen.
The knock on the frame of the door pulls our eyes to Dain, his hands laden with parchment and books to use for references. He knows he can't enter, but I see the want in his eyes to fix whatever problem has brought the two of us to tears, especially me.
"Go," I say quietly, Sloane rising and shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. She starts to walk away, but turns quickly and drags me up into a fierce hug.
The, "thank you," she whispers into my ear is quick, and then she's gone.
"I thought she hated you," Dain says quietly as I pick up my books.
"Nah. We were all idiots at twenty-years-old."
Dain laughs. "You do realize that was last year for you, right?"
I sigh, realizing he's right. "Gods…the longest. Year. Ever."
"And you're still an idiot, by the way," he chuckles and I shove hard at his unmoving side as we make for the library.
…