Set sometime after the kiss in Fourth Wing Chapter 22 when Xaden's taken over her sparring lessons. I don't know why I love the sparring gym so much for honest conversations…but I do, and I won't apologize for it!
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"Grab and twist," Xaden orders, and I know I couldn't hide my shock if I wanted to. His massive corded arm is held downward from his position above me on the mat, which I'm ignoring. He's resting back on his heels between my legs and his other hand is just…sitting warmly against the top of my thigh.
Which I'm ignoring.
"With what leverage?"
His cocky smirk will be my undoing one day. Maybe not today…because I'm also ignoring it along with the pulse of excitement that flares through my lower stomach the moment he does it.
"I'll show you once you start following directions."
So I do. I wrap my hands around his wrist and lower arm, the muscles flexing beneath my fingers.
"Now, kick off, lift your hips, and wrap your legs here," the warm palm leaves my thigh and he slaps the biceps of the same arm I'm clutching where his bronze skin and rebellion relic disappears beneath the short sleeve of his sparring shirt.
"I don't understand."
There's that cocky grin again. Godsdamn, I'd kiss it off him if I wasn't so busy ignoring it.
Xaden sighs as if tired of having to explain things despite the fact that he's not explaining much. "I'm teaching you to use your leverage. It doesn't matter if you're shorter or weigh less than your opponent, there are places you can twist that would bring even me to my knees."
My, my, that certainly does sound pleasant, doesn't it? This may become the most valuable lesson I learn from him.
"Okay," is all I say, and I feel every sore muscle in my core engage as the flats of my feet push off the mat, the left coming around his chest to hit the top of the opposite shoulder as the other looped up from the other side, ankles crossing.
"I'm pretty sure," I pant, "you could just…pick me up and throw me around."
His chuckle is one of the most beautiful sounds known, and I didn't realize how much I'd been longing to hear it again since that night in the snow. Another thing to add to the ignoring list for tonight.
"I definitely could, but the point here is that you'll be doing this while you're standing. This way is…safer for us both. Now, If you roll your hips up from here," that free hand is moving again and I feel it at the small of my back pushing my hips up.
I feel the point of his elbow against my lower stomach. When I push up, I see the discomfort hit his eyes when my hands gripping his wrist and feet pushing against his shoulder force the middle joint just slightly in the wrong direction.
"See?" I nod and release the pressure. "You lift with your hips then you turn your whole body while holding on, and that'll fuck up the elbow and the shoulder of anyone on that mat. Try it."
I frown, "you sure?" That look of exasperation makes me roll my eyes and I do exactly what he says - lift my hips and turn my body to the right.
While I normally love being proven right, especially with Xaden, the sudden wince and intake of breath he sucks in is one I've made what feels like a thousand times this week alone. I immediately release his arm with the apology on my lips, and he stands to flex his arm and shoulder while I scramble to my feet.
"I'm sorry - I…I didn't know how much to put into it."
"That's on me for not telling you, I guess. Damn…it's been a while since I've felt that," his words make me nod.
"Is it the dull ache or the stabbing rip?"
"Dull ache," he says before realizing how spot on I was, and the surprise on his face makes me laugh.
"Yeah. Sit," I order, pointing to the bench to our right.
"I'm fine," there's that stubborn 'I don't need anybody' attitude I fully expect from a wingleader. I see him attempt to dig his thumb into the outside of the joint knowing that won't help anything, so now it's my turn to roll my eyes.
"I get to play 'dull ache' or 'stabbing rip' all day every day, okay? Just…sit. If I know how to help with anything, it's this."
He sits reluctantly and I move to stand behind him, my hands tracing the muscled line of his shoulder until I find the spot and prod my fingers in to loosen the ache. The contented groan that leaves his lips is…the newest thing I'm ignoring.
It's almost the exact groan he breathed into my lips that night in the courtyard and it shoots a searing path of electricity from my heart to my center. Nope - nope. We're ignoring it, remember?
"So," he starts, but hesitates.
"What?" I ask as I find a particularly sharp knot and use my thumb to work it out. It earns me a hiss and another of those beautiful groans, so I keep working to loosen the shoulder as he relaxes slowly below me.
"What exactly is, uh -" he fumbles for his words, and I feel the need to be defensive rise in my chest. It's been a while since I felt that around him.
"Wrong with me?"
He stills and turns, and I see the shock and honesty in his eyes, "you know that's not what I meant."
Honestly, he's the first person that's asked. Everyone else has just…assumed. I pull the sleeve of his shirt back down and move to sit on the mat in front of him, my arms wrapping over my knees as I meet his honest stare. I grin as he flexes and rotates his shoulder a couple of times, and he seems fairly impressed before leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs expectantly.
"I mean, the healers never really knew what it was. My Mom got sick when she was pregnant with me, and then I in turn got sick after I was born - and some…mix of that they think gave me a," I pause trying to find the right words. "My body doesn't do a great job with connective tissues around joints. Or…anywhere, really."
"That's why you wrap your shoulders and knees."
I nod and look down to pick at a loose string at the knee of my sparring pants when I expect his stare to turn from curiosity to pity, like everyone else who bothers to ask. I don't want to see it. Not from him.
"If I don't, they're more likely to go out of socket or tear - especially if they're already loose and painful, which is pretty much every day."
Shit. What is it about Xaden Riorson that makes me more than honest about everything? The one person that knows everything is Dain, and that's been just so fucking great. I can't wait for the constant reminder of my faults coming from two people now. Fuck.
"You weren't joking, were you?"
My eyes snap back up and I'm surprised when I don't see what I expected, I just see realization and…something else swirling in those onyx depths. "Joking?"
"During Threshing. You told Tynan that you were used to functioning in pain and I just assumed you were -" he pauses trying to find the right word now - there's a lot of that going around tonight.
"Bluffing?"
He nods.
"It honestly was a bluff. I could have bottled it up for maybe a few more minutes, but I was dead on my feet. Literally, I assumed." I chuckle. "Some days…some days I feel alright. Nothing too loose, nothing too achy, and I feel strong. Most days? Not so much. Something hurts somewhere, some joint is fucked because I slept wrong or…worked it too hard the day before."
"How the fuck do you do it?" He sounds impressed.
"I…I put it into a box and move on. If I focus on it or…let it rule my decisions, I don't think I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning."
Xaden seems lost in thought for a moment, and I see the wisp of something very familiar sweep across his stoic face. There it is. I sigh, "looks like you just came to the same realization that Dain's been hounding me for since Parapet."
He looks offended and I can't tell if it's prompted by me assuming something about him or simply by being compared to Dain. "What realization is that?"
I shake my head and disappointment settles deep into my stomach. I never thought I'd get this from him. He's the one person that's pushed me to become better ignoring everything real about me, and I'm disappointed that it was me who gave that away tonight. "That I shouldn't be here - should be with the scribes. That…I'm probably not going to make it to graduation. That I've gotten lucky time and time again, and my luck's set to run out."
His bark of a laugh makes me jump and I see him drop and shake his head a moment before meeting my eyes, and I see…longing in his gaze as it flickers to my mouth.
"Fuck no. Cheating death once, maybe twice? That's luck. You aren't lucky, you're smart. I just realized that…the pain is why you're so good at shielding. You've been using shields your whole life. That's why it was second nature."
The thought had never crossed my mind. I never would have pictured boxing up the pain and putting it in a corner being the same thing as closing the massive Archive door in my mind that connects me to Tairn and Andarna's power.
Xaden stands, leaving me to my own thoughts as he stalks to the other side of the gym. "We're done…before you rip off my arm."
The grin I shoot over his shoulder is just for him and I see that longing flare in his eyes. Well, well, well - it looks like Mr. Kissing-You-Was-A-Mistake is having some second thoughts.
"That's it? You're…not going to argue to put me in a glass box because we're tethered?"
He stops at the entrance and looks my way, that cocky grin tilting those perfect, fucking, lips. "The one person you don't fuck with in a room is the one that can block out the pain and kick your ass despite what you think about them. You're stronger than Aetos, Violence. He's afraid of you, not for you."
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