Lisa

I'm a coward and I know it. I sigh as I walk into my parents' house. I worked late today just to try and keep my mind off Jennie, but it hasn't helped. All day the only thing on my mind has been that she's finally single again.

I can't even go home because I can't be sure that I'll be able to stay away from her. I'll want to have a drink with her, she'll smile at me, and I'll want to get down on my knees and beg her to give us another chance. I can't be around her right now.

Rosé looks up in surprise when I walk into the living room, and just seeing her guts me. Lately it's been getting easier to forget how much stands between Jennie and me. Having her in my house and around the office has made it easy to deceive myself — to forget how much pain she's already been through, just for being with me. I could never ask that of her again.

"Lisa, what are you doing here?" Rosé asks, and I try my best to smile at her. I feel horrible for the way I feel around her. I don't want to resent my own sister, but part of me does. Part of me will probably never be able to forgive her.

"Hey," I murmur, dropping down on the sofa beside her. "Thought I'd stay over tonight."

Rosé frowns and crosses her arms over each other. "Why?"

I laugh and shake my head. "What, am I not welcome here anymore?"

Rosé purses her lips and looks away. "I just didn't think you'd come back, considering that Jennie is at your house."

I stiffen involuntarily. For years neither Mom nor Rosé even spoke her name. I still find it jarring when they do, and part of me takes offence to it. Part of me feels like they don't even have the right to say her name. It's fucked up and it's irrational, but I can't help it.

"Did something happen?"

I run a hand through my hair and lean back on the sofa, exhausted, both mentally and physically. Even my heart is tired. Tired of waiting and wanting. "Jennie and Mino broke up. I thought she might need some space."

Rosé looks at me with wide eyes and grins. "Oh my gosh, she dumped him? I knew it!"

I grit my teeth and try my best to temper myself. "What, you couldn't stand her being in that relationship either?" I say nonetheless. Fucking hell. If this is what I'm like around Rosé tonight, then I definitely can't be around Jennie. Rosé's expression crumples, and for a second I see hurt flash through her eyes, but then she looks away and smiles.

"I'm sorry, Rosé. That was… unwarranted. I apologize."

Rosé looks at me and shakes her head. "Don't, Lisa. For years you haven't said a word. For years, you've kept it all in. Never, not even once, have you told me that you blamed me for what happened. You've stood by me, and you've helped me recover. You've funded my education and all of the different courses and programs I wanted to do. You've never asked me for anything in return, other than me taking care of myself. You're the best sister I could have ever wished for, but in return I've only ever been a horrible sister."

She sighs and looks at me, her eyes filled with sorrow. "You think you hide it well, but you don't. I can tell that you haven't truly been living ever since Jennie left. Part of the reason I left to go to London was because I couldn't stand seeing you like this, knowing that I did this to you. I couldn't live with the guilt, even though I deserved to. So lash out at me all you want, say whatever you want, blame me like I deserve. I don't mind, Lisa. I'm not the weak girl I used to be. I'm not sure you'll ever see me for who I've grown into, but I've fought as hard as I could to become someone you might someday be proud of. Someone you'd be happy to call your sister."

I'm filled with guilt and shake my head. I should've remained in better control over my emotions. I never should've let Rosé see even the tiniest amount of resentment I feel. She's my sister, and I love her. The anger I feel towards her is something I can deal with myself. "Rosé, like I said, I'm sorry. I am proud of who you are, and I know how hard you've worked to get where you are. I'm sorry if I haven't expressly said that to you."

She shakes her head and smiles at me. "That wasn't the point. I only said what I said because I want you to know that I understand. I understand that you're mad and you're hurting, even if you won't ever admit to it. I see it. I see that you're unhappy, and it kills me, Lisa.

And you know what? That cold mask you wear has finally started to crack, and it's because Jennie is back. So yes, I'm happy that she's single again. I might not have spoken to her in years, but even I could see that the way she looked at Mino wasn't the same way she's always looked at you, the same way she still does. I'm not who I used to be, Lisa. All I want is for you to be happy. I won't stand in the way of that, not ever again. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right, I just don't know what the right thing to do is."

I smile bitterly. "It's far too late for that," I tell her honestly. My mind drifts back to the way I found Jennie sitting in the treehouse, crying her heart out and feeling the way she was made to feel years ago.

"Being with me means Jennie would have to forgive you and Mom, and I don't think she ever will. Even if I were crazy enough to tell her that I'll turn my back on my family to be with her, she'd never let me do it. I know what she's like, and she'd always worry that I'd one day blame her. She couldn't ever live with that guilt and uncertainty. Besides, her life is in London, and mine is here."

Rosé looks so heartbroken that for a second I'm fooled into believing that she understands how I feel, but I doubt that's true. I doubt anyone truly understands the depth of the sorrow I live with every day.

"I'm so sorry," Rosé says, her voice trembling. "I did this. I did this to both of you."

I shake my head and force myself to smile. "It's okay, Rosé. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Some people just aren't meant to be. I guess Jennie and I are like that. Maybe one day it'll all make sense, or maybe it won't. Either way, it is what it is. I've learned to be okay with that, and you should too," I say.

But have I? Have I learned to be okay with it? I doubt it, because every fiber of my being is begging me to go home to Jennie.