"The Ryoga/Mousse Alliance!
The Blind, Leading the Blind"
VOICE TALENTS:
ROB PAULSEN as Ranma
PAMELA SEGALL as Ranko
JESS HARNELL as Kenma
ADAM WYLIE as Mousse
TIM MATHESON as Ryoga
LAUREN TOM as Shampoo
GREY DELISLE as Akane
DISCLAIMER: This episode takes place before the events of "Nihao My Concubine". That oughta explain why Mousse is bein' a major-league fathead in this one.
Once more, Ryoga Hibiki had been gripped by a sense of existential doubt. As he gazed into the red-orange sky, a vision of Akane's smiling face appeared.
Oh, Akane…why am I so unable to express my true feelings for you? he pondered to himself. Why must I be constantly running away? Can it be that you have no idea what kinds of thoughts run through my mind when we're together? Honestly, I think a little time away from you was just the ticket—gave me some time to clear my head.
Of course, either his time away wasn't very far, or that his head wasn't as clear as he thought…but turns out he'd just walked all the way back to Nerima.
How do we know this, you ask?
Simple: Akane and her friends were right behind him at that very second.
"Ryoga?" Akane asked. "What are you doing here?"
The bandana-topped boy turned around, and nearly keeled over from a heart attack. "GAAAAAAAAH!" he shrieked, falling on his ass.
"It's been ages since I saw you," smiled Akane. "How have you been?"
"W-well…I…" Ryoga stammered. "WHY CAN'T I—?!" And then, he panicked and ran off, leaving Akane befuddled.
"Well that was a weird response," Akane said in a confused tone.
"Great…just freakin' great!" Ryoga groaned as he ran across a bridge. "To think I came back to town without realizing it!"
Suddenly, his ki senses went off, and he narrowly dodged a barrage of weapons descending upon his head via a series of complex cartwheel maneuvers.
"Hey! Who's there?" Ryoga shouted as he landed atop a nearby fence. "If you're not too scared, then come out and face me yourself!"
[Uncut DVD/VHS line: "If you've got any balls, you'll come out and face me yourself!" Had to change the line for syndication.]
From behind a nearby lamppost, emerged a masked stranger in a long white coat. He just stood there, laughing maniacally, before throwing a massive, spinning bladed yo-yo at Ryoga.
That move! It's just like the weapon from Master of the Flying Guillotine! Ryoga thought as he leapt onto it and rode it back towards the attacker.
"Think you can ambush ME?!" he roared, before jabbing and kicking at the masked man.
"Look up, look down, look all around!" the masked man pointed, getting Ryoga to look up—
KLANG!
…and getting his mouth mashed with a pizza pan.
"Hmph! If you're dumb enough to fall for that, then I guess I must've misjudged you," scoffed the mysterious stranger. "Here I thought Ryoga Hibiki was a force to be reckoned with, not some common joke."
Ryoga sprang to his feet. "Alright, just who the hell are you? And what gives you the right to rank me?!" he snapped.
"For now, you may refer to me as the man from Ganymede," the masked stranger retorted.
"Don't you play stupid with me!" Ryoga snapped. "Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?!"
"Among other things…" muttered the masked man, who narrowly dodged another punch from the bandana-clad boy. "Alright, I might have to reconsider my opinion of you! Perhaps you aren't such a sap after all! At least, the Saotome Brothers' enemies are usually somewhat impressive!"
As they bickered, an old woman came outside and spooned out some water from a bucket. Naturally, this splashed them and turned them into…a pig and a duck. [Guess who mister man-from-Ganymede really is?]
At that moment, Akane was seeing her friends off when she saw the pig and duck squabbling with each other.
"Wilbur!" she exclaimed as she raced over and scooped him up. "You're that rotten Mousse, aren't you? Stop picking on little Wilbur!" she snapped at the duck.
The duck squawked in response, and then scurried off in a cloud of dust.
"My poor widdle baby!" the tomboy fretted over the little porker. "What were you doing out here, anyway?"
"Come ere', you!" said Ranma as he plucked Wilbur up by his collar. "No kissy faces in public, you two."
"My thoughts exactly, brother," Kenma added, putting on an upper-class accent as he put a hand to his forehead in a melodramatic manner. "After all, if people were to see it, oh, they would talk! Oh, the things they would say~!"
"Indeed, dear brother," Ranma replied in the same accent. "It's nothing short of scandalous."
Akane snatched the pig away. "Cut it out!" she snapped. "Wilbur isn't some toy to play with! Now if you'll excuse me, we're going home to play dress-up."
"...do you realize the irony of that statement?" Kenma asked.
"Oh, you'd look so cute in blue." Akane said to Wilbur as she headed home, then swung at the boys. "OUTTA MY WAY!" she hissed.
Ranma and Kenma watched her go, both bearing looks of contempt.
"Wow! She sure has a loud bark!" said Ranma.
"And her bite isn't too shabby, either," mused Kenma.
BACK AT THE DOJO…
Akane had dressed Wilbur up in a little turquoise sweater. "There we go!" she said. "I guess I cut the pattern a little too small…don't wear it if you don't like it, okay?"
Akane, don't be ridiculous! Wilbur squealed, shaking his head. Anything you make is a vision of beauty and perfection!
"So you DO like it!" Akane beamed, hugging the piglet. "You know, I think Ranma might be jealous…how else would you explain that 'kissy-face' joke he made earlier? Imagine being jealous of a pig, really!"
Wilbur let out a sudden squeal and galloped off the bed before he raced out of the room.
"Wilbur! Come back!" called Akane.
Out in the hallway, Ranma and Kenma were playing their Game Boys when the little oinker came squealing past.
"You hear something?" asked Kenma, lifting his head from his round of Double Dragon.
"Yep! It sounded like a headache with trotters and a curly tail," replied Ranma.
There came a SPLASH, and Ryoga rounded the corner, his hair dripping wet. "Ranma! Kenma!" he snarled. "I HATE YOU BOTH!"
"Grass is green, water is wet, what else is new?" asked Kenma.
Ryoga got in their faces, growling furiously.
"So what, you wanna do somethin' about it, Porky?" asked Ranma, ready for a fight. "Because I'll take you on right now!"
"Yeah! We'll knock ya out!" Kenma agreed.
At that point, Akane came out into the hallway. "Wilbur, where'd you go?" she asked.
"Well?" Kenma asked. "Are you gonna get your grievances out, or would you rather stand around wasting our time?"
He and Ranma stepped out into the backyard.
"Ranma, Kenma, fighting is wrong, especially with Ryoga," chastised Akane.
"Then bitch to him!" Ranma snapped.
"Why should I?" asked Akane. "You probably goaded him into it; it's usually your fault."
"OH, SIT AND SPIN!" Kenma shouted back. [DVD/VHS version: "SUCK A FAT ONE, WHY DON'T YA?!"]
"Why should I do that when you can?" Akane replied before sticking her tongue out at the boys.
"Stick your tongue out at me one more time! Let's see how long you can keep it!" Ranma spat back. "UGH! Bitch, bitch, friggin' BITCH!"
"Is that right?" asked Akane. "I guess there's nothing to be jealous about, then!"
"AND WHO'D BE JEALOUS OF A BROAD LIKE YOU?!" Kenma shouted.
"Hey! Who do you think you're talking to like that?!" the tomboy fumed.
"Sounds to me like a spoiled little princess who's been coddled for too damn long!" Ranma fired back.
Ryoga glanced down at his fist contemplatively, then at the group. "...Akane? This is goodbye," he said.
"56!" Kenma called, pulling out a notebook and marking down another tally on a page.
"Ryoga!" Akane called as he ran towards the pond. "Do you have to leave so soon?"
"I'm not going anywhere, I just…" he began, before he ran off.
"What the…?" Ranma asked. "Hey, get back here!"
Kenma waved him off. "Give him a few minutes; he'll run off, get splashed, and come back as you-know-who," he insisted. "Come cryin' wee-wee-wee, all the way home, in fact."
But as Ranma took off after him, he sighed. "You're nuts, dude," he shrugged, before scurrying after his brother. "And I guess…so am I!"
"Seriously, Ryoga, what is WITH you?" Ranma called as he chased his rival down the street. "One minute you're spoilin' for a fight, the next you get all misty-eyed and bug out?!"
"SHUT UP AND BACK OFF!" Ryoga snapped, whirling around.
"Ah, there's that spitfire Ryoga!" Ranma exclaimed.
"Ranma…you don't know me. Not truly," the bandana-wearing boy proclaimed. "Maybe you did once, but we're hardly those little kids anymore, are we?"
"Little? Dude, we were in middle school when we met," Ranma responded.
"...farewell," Ryoga replied as he walked off.
"Ay-dee-os, Pork Chops!" Kenma called. "Send us a postcard from wherever you end up, we'll use it to line the bird cage—if we get one!"
Down by the river, Ryoga sat under a bridge, a bucket in hand as he gazed at the water.
Oh, Akane…I've made my decision, he thought. You'll never love me the way I love you, regardless of Ranma or Akimitsu…but there's only one way we can be together.
Scooping some water, he lifted the bucket over his head. "Even if it has to be as a pig!" he said out loud. "Farewell, Ryoga Hibiki!"
But before he could drench himself, a whip snatched the bucket out of his hands. And standing there was the whip's wielder.
"Who the hell're you?!" Ryoga demanded, getting into a combat stance.
"My name is Mousse," the bespectacled one responded. "Sorry about what happened earlier today. I was simply testing your skills…plus, I wanted to know if I could trust you. No hard feelings, right?"
Ryoga dropped his stance. "You mean it was a test?" he asked.
"Exactly," Mousse responded. "If we combined our efforts, it would be a snap to deal with Ranma and his monkey brother. What do you say?"
"Mousse, was it?" Ryoga inquired. "You wouldn't happen to have a grudge against Ranma, would you?"
"I don't care about him," responded Mousse. "But I can't stand his brother! Not only did he steal my beloved Shampoo from me, but he lured me to that damn Yazniichuan spring!"
"Gee, that sure does suck, but you'll hafta get your revenge on Kenma yourself," shrugged Ryoga. "Akane's the only one I care about!"
"I can understand that, but what'll you do once Akane finally marries Ranma?" asked Mousse. "And you're telling me you're just fine being their pet? Or should I say, their cuck?"
Ryoga snorted. "First of all, she's more into that Aki guy, if anything," he replied. "And second, I can think of worse things."
In an imaginary future, Wilbur trots down the street, carrying a basket of groceries on his back…and looking a bit bigger than he does in the present. He brings it indoors to an older Akane [maybe her early 30s], who's in the kitchen.
"Oh, thank you, Wilbur!" she gushes as she kisses his cheek. "Such a good little pig~"
"At least that way we'll still be together!" Ryoga declared, his face red.
"Oh, yeah, you'll be one big happy family," sneered Mousse. "Just you, and Akane, and Ranma…plus whatever kids they decide to have. Hope you enjoy those sloppy seconds, pal! Plus the sounds of them…porking."
"...whuh?" Ryoga blurted.
We're back in the imaginary future, where older Akane is feeding bites into the mouths of her two husbands. Yeah, she has two. Just work with it, this is RYOGA'S warped mind we're seeing!
"OK, say ahh, dearest~" Akane coos.
In the foreground, a pair of tiny little tots who look like Ranma and Akimitsu are playing with the older Wilbur, who collapses, making both of the tykes burst into tears.
"BUWAAAAAAAH!" they wail in unison.
Akane, Ranma, and Aki glare down at the porker.
"Shame on you, Wilbur; you made my babies cry!" Akane scolds.
"Gluttonous little swine," glowers Ranma, a bit of stubble on his face. "All he does is eat us out of house and home!"
"And givin' NOTHIN' back!" Aki chimes in [voice-wise, I'm thinking…let's say Henry Corden; not quite Fred, but just a little bit there]. "Honey, how wouldja feel about gettin' a cat?"
"Sounds wonderful," Akane nods.
The side-door opens, and older Kenma pokes his head in. He's got a reddish-brown beard, and has a purple-haired baby in a holster on his person.
"Hey, guys, what's shakin'?" he asks.
"Little bro!" greets Ranma. "Do us a favor and get that swine outta here, okay?"
"Sure thing, big bro!" Kenma grins. "Maybe I oughta turn him into a BLT for some lucky S.O.B.!" he chuckles wickedly.
Wilbur's eyes well up with tears as he goes off to an uncertain fate.
"Ranma, you uncaring, insensitive ass!" Ryoga spat, mad enough to puke blood. "After all the sacrifices I made—after everything I've gone and done for that family, too! JUST THINK OF ALL THE MONEY I'VE SAVED THEM ON BABYSITTERS!"
He swung his fist and planted it right into the side of the bridge. "IT'S ALL RANMA'S FAULT!" he roared angrily.
Mousse was bewildered, but not exactly surprised. He…DOES know that was just an imagination sequence, right?
"Nice to see you've come around, then," he said out loud. "This time, neither Ranma or Kenma stand a chance."
Ryoga is strong, and emotional—but of the whole, stupid, Mousse thought again. This factor makes it disturbingly easy to manipulate him. I'd be creeped out if I wasn't having so much fun already.
And so, an unholy partnership was forged…
BACK AT THE DOJO…
Akane was, for lack of a better term, frightfully concerned. "I knew Wilbur was acting strange yesterday…I shouldn't have let him run away like that," she fretted. "I'm gonna go and look for him."
"...and you're telling us this…why?" Kenma asked with a yawn.
"Because I was hoping that you'd help me find him." Akane pleaded.
Ranma waved her off. "Ah, leave the runt be. He'll come back sooner or later, just like always," he responded.
The tomboy glared. "How can you be so cold?" she spat. "My poor little Wilbur has feelings too, y'know!"
Ranma mimed searching through an imaginary satchel. "Hmm…mmm…hmm…" he murmured before he sat up. "Looks like you're outta luck, Akane. I can't seem to find any fucks to give."
"Well, excuse me for thinking you had a heart, Ranma!" the tomboy scoffed.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ranma waved her off again as Akane stomped away. Lousy little snout-faced creep….why do I always gotta stick my neck out for him, eh? And what the heck was with him last night? He was acting…well, WEIRDER than usual.
"I guess we'll go look for him," groaned Kenma. "If we don't, she'll get pissy, and if she's pissy, Soun will get pissy, and I really don't wanna deal with that sorta crap, man."
"Oh, alright! Let's go look for him!" his older brother said, exasperated.
So both boys went out searching.
"OK, if we succeed, we gotta get some leverage outta this," said Kenma. "Like, 'she's not allowed to accuse us of anything ever again', and she needs to 'deal with her many fucking prejudices'."
"That sounds like a pipe dream, but hey. It's worth a shot!" Ranma figured.
A few minutes later, Akane and the Saotome brothers were looking up and down for the lost piglet.
"Wilbur! Wilbur, where are you?" Akane called out.
"Yo, bacon-loser-tomato!" Kenma called. "Where you at? Get out here and come off this melodramatic woe-is-me shit!"
"Soo-ey! Here, piggy piggy!" Ranma called out.
Inwardly, Kenma chuckled at the calling.
"Hm?" Ranma asked.
"I'm just remembering that episode of Dragon Ball," Kenma replied with a smirk. "Shit, man, we should give Ryoga one of those candies Bulma gave Oolong."
"Hahaha! Oh, I remember that one!" Ranma chuckled. "Maybe we can get Akane to give it to him."
Kenma snickered, before he looked to his left. "Looks like we might get a chance," he commented. "Take a gander!"
Ranma turned his head and saw a little black piglet scurrying down the street. "There he is," he mused.
Climbing down from the fence, both brothers ran after the piglet.
"If he's covered in any slippery substance, I'm gonna just punt him," Kenma informed his older brother. "Telling you that now, I would be very pissed off and just not in the mood for any of his shit."
"Either way, let's just grab him and be done with it," his brother said as they followed the pig into the park.
"There he is!" Kenma called out. "Alright, hold still, ya little deviled ham, or someone's getting a mouthful of apple!"
Within seconds, they caught up and grabbed him.
"He's only been out here one night," mused Ranma. "But he's sounding a lot more piglike!"
"And come to think of it, he's not wearing his usual bandana," responded Kenma.
"I'm trying something different, but thanks for noticing!" Ryoga's voice said, prompting the boys to whirl around.
"Eh? If that's Ryoga…" Kenma started.
"Then this pig is—well, just that!" Ranma finished, glancing at the little swine.
"NOW!" Ryoga called, snapping his fingers. Out of the tree came Mousse, who dumped a whole bucket of water over Ranma's head. While he was drenched, he voluntarily shifted to his girl form. [After all, he wouldn't let them know he had an advantage…not yet.]
"Hey, what's the big idea?" she sputtered as the piglet squirmed away.
"And whose pig did you idiots steal this from?" Kenma pondered as he held up the black piglet that was used for the distraction.
"That's just some random pig," Ryoga retorted as Mousse joined him on the ground.
"...okay, so is this when you guys say your motto?" asked Kenma. "You know, 'prepare for trouble' and all that."
Ryoga fumed. "...YOU THINK THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!" he snapped, flames shooting from his mouth.
"Would you really be surprised if I said yes?" Ranko asked.
"I suppose you think the idea of your own demise is humorous," sneered Mousse before he leaned over to Ryoga. "First we turn him into a girl to decrease his strength. Face it, with your strength, and my brilliant tactical mind, we're a formidable pair."
"I can still kick both of your butts into next week!" Ranko declared as she got into her fighting stance.
"But here's one thing I don't get," said Kenma. "Mousse, I would expect this underhandedness from. But Ryoga, when did you get so pathetic?"
"PATHETIC?!" screeched Ryoga, getting in his face. "I'M not the one who turned a pet into a babysitter! I'M not the one who turned a poor little pig into lunchmeat! Ranma…Kenma…IF ANYONE HERE IS PATHETIC, IT'S THE BOTH OF YOU! THINK OF YOUR KIDS, DAMN YOU!"
Kenma blinked. "...dude, what are you even on right now?" he asked. "And frankly, I know never to smoke it."
"Well, I'm not on any drugs, if that's what you're implying." the lost boy stated. "Though at one point, I was prescribed adde—wait a minute! Why am I even telling you this?!"
"My sentiments exactly," said Kenma. "I say less chatter, more splatter."
"Sounds good to me," Mousse replied. "But you won't be here to help your big bother!" the bespeckled boy zipped behind Ken and cuffed his foot to a cinderblock.
"Hey! What's the gag?" Kenma asked as he yanked at his leg, but only tugged the cinderblock. "I don't suppose you'd have a problem with beating up someone who can't fight back?"
"Mm…nope, not really," Mousse shrugged. "Amazons fight to win."
"Well, it was worth a shot," Kenma shrugged.
"Take this!" Ryoga called out he charged at Ranko with a punch, which she sidestepped and countered with a punch of her own.
Looks like I gotta take matters into my own hands… Kenma thought. Especially since I can't help Ranma for the moment!
"Come on, Ryoga! Is that the best you got?" Ranko called as she dodged another punch.
"You'll see my best WHEN I'VE RUN MY FIST THROUGH YOU!" growled Ryoga as he swung again.
"Hah! That'll be the day!" Ranko taunted as she leapt up and bounced on Ryoga's head with her foot.
"Hey, Ranma!" Mousse called out as he thrusted his arm, pulling a plastic duck out of his sleeve and making it spray smoke in Ranko's face.
"Ugh!" the redheaded girl coughed as the smoke disoriented her.
"And that's not all!" Mousse declared before throwing a volley of shurikens at Ranko, pinning her to a tree by her shirt.
"Looks like you called it," said Ryoga. "Pin him down, and his so-called speed is useless. But wait, what about his brother?"
"What about him? He's not gonna be breaking that chain anytime soon," Mousse scoffed.
"And who says I need to BREAK it?!" Kenma called from nearby, prompting the two to turn around. There he stood, swinging the chain with a cinderblock on it in the air like a lasso.
"Oh! Well, shoot my monkey." the bespeckled magician said, feeling very sheepish.
"You didn't think to pin the cinderblock down?!" Ryoga yelled in frustration.
"I assumed he wouldn't be able to lift it!" Mousse responded.
"Duck!" the lost boy called out.
"What do ya mean? I'm still hu—" began Mousse, right before…
KRAK!
Kenma smashed the cinderblock right into the back of Mousse's head, causing it to shatter on impact.
"I knew you were hard-headed, but this is ridiculous," he commented. "And ya got me a chain, too~! Gosh, now I know you wanna get serious~"
Ryoga got to his feet, and turned his attention towards Ranko, who was still pinned to the tree. "First I'll deal with you!" he said, winding up his fist. "This oughta teach you not to abuse your pets!"
And with a shout, he flung his fist forward, slamming it into the tree and breaking it in half.
"Rest in pieces, Saotome." Ryoga said confidently before an orange shirt fell over his face. "Huh?!"
Ranko, who was now shirtless, landed right in front of Ryoga.
"So, Ryoga, is this your way of makin' me into your little play-thing?" she smirked. [Now, we're not saying someone was feelin' frisky in the writers' room that week, but…]
Ryoga's face went bright-red as he threw the shirt back. "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, WOULDJA?!" he shrieked. "HAVEN'T YOU ANY MODESTY?!"
"Alright, ya big baby, I'll get dressed," the redheaded girl said. "Now, turn around."
So, Ryoga did just that and waited.
"OK, you can look now!" Ranko called.
"Alright, here I go—" Ryoga declared as he whirled around, fists ready…only to see Ranko had, in fact, not put her shirt back on. "GYAAAAAAAGH!"
Kenma burst out laughing, hands on his knees. "Dumbass!"
"Don't you have any modesty?! What kinda girl are you?!" Ryoga fumed.
"That's the neat thing, Ryoga," Ranko replied. "I'm not a girl."
Angrily, Ryoga whirled around and shut his eyes.
"Ok, I'm ready now," the ponytailed girl said.
"Are you sure?" Ryoga asked, nervous.
"Absolutely positive." Ranko answered.
"Alright, here I—" Ryoga whirled around again, before he got kicked in the mouth, getting knocked to the ground.
"Mousse, you oughta be ashamed of yourself," said Ranko. "Using a nitwit like Ryoga for your diabolical schemes!"
"Is it really that surprising?" asked Kenma. "He's an opportunist."
"Bro, leave Mousse to me," declared Ranko as she cracked her knuckles. "He's as good as
mine."
Kenma shrugged. "...if you're certain," he replied. "I'd still like to knock him around some more."
"That cinder block definitely hurt, but not as much as I'm about to hurt you!" Mousse said as he flung his sleeves out, unleashing a barrage of his hidden weapons.
Ranko dodged and darted around them, before she leapt forth and began dealing out punch after punch, while Mousse dipped and avoided her, before he stuck a pair of handcuffs on her wrists.
"Now's your chance, Ryoga!" the magician called out.
"Come here!" the lost boy shouted as he charged at Ranko with a punch, only for her to block it with the chain of her handcuffs and do a few handstand-cartwheels to get some distance.
Ryoga ran at her again, only to get kicked in the face. Again…and again…and again. She was kicking him in the face like she was working over a speed bag.
WHOPPITA-WHOPPITA-WHOPPITA-WHOPPITA!
Then Ranko clocked him in the head with the chain, and kicked him down. "A pair of bracelets, just for me—and with their own nifty little chain, too!" she laughed. "Be careful, Mousse, or Kenma might get mad you're cheating on him!"
"Hey! No fair using my weapons against me!" fumed Mousse as he ducked and dodged Kenma's chain swings.
"Well, then this must REALLY burn you up!" Kenma called as he lashed and whipped the chain at Mousse.
"Grrr…ENOUGH!" shouted Mousse as he leapt at Ranko, unlocking her cuffs…but shackling her to a boulder-sized weight!
"Augh!" Ranko shouted. "Where'd you hide this thing, in your ASS?! It's fucking huge!"
Mousse wiped his glasses. "Never underestimate a master of Hidden Weapons, fool!" he declared smugly, before he started to unleash another barrage of weapons.
Ranko and Kenma scurried behind the massive weight. "Our rear flank's cut off, Sarge," said Kenma.
"We've got a clown on the left, and an idiot on the right," said Ranko. "And here I am, stuck in the middle with you."
"When you put it that way, it's not so bad," Kenma commented.
"Well, say your prayers, 'cuz it's gonna get a WHOLE LOT WORSE!" bellowed Ryoga as he sprang over, fists at the ready. The two siblings ducked down, avoiding the punch as it slammed into the weight, the pain of which shivered up the length of Ryoga's arm, causing him to cry out in pain. "AW-WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!" he shrieked, clutching his pulsing hand. [For the scream sound, think Tom from Tom and Jerry]
"And now, you have officially pissed me off!" Ranko declared as she hoisted the entire weight into the air.
Ryoga's eyes were bugging out of his skull. "B-but you're supposed to be weaker as a girl!" he stammered.
"First, I've been training to get used to this form!" Ranko retorted. "And second, I'm running on a cocktail of ADRENALINE AND PURE HATE!"
"You just caught me by surprise, is all!" Ryoga protested. "See how strong you are when I split that thing like a coconut with my Breaking Point!"
"Don't do it, Ryoga!" called Mousse, panicked. "That thing's a time bomb! RUN!"
"...A BOMB?!" Kenma shrieked, as the weight of the bomb began to pull Ranko down.
"Some…body…help…me…!" Ranko shrieked as the weight pulled her further into the ground.
But Ryoga and Mousse were already off and running.
"Ho-o-o-old on thar, ya no-good loafers!" called Kenma as he swung his chain like a lasso and, after connecting it to three other chains Mousse had left behind, used it to tie up Ryoga and Mousse and pull them back in.
"You little—c'mon, let us go!" Ryoga screamed.
"This isn't fair, using my own chain against me!" protested Mousse.
"So, Mousse, what's it gonna be?" asked Ranko. "You wanna find the key to this chain, or do you wanna go up in a mushroom cloud?"
"I w-wanna find it!" Mousse insisted.
"Then here we go!" Kenma said as he picked Mousse up by the legs and started shaking him rapidly.
"Stop! Not so rough!" protested Mousse. "I think I'm gonna vomit! Oh, Kami!"
"Aw, shut up, why don't ya?" asked Kenma as he shook out all sorts of assorted things: a hacksaw, a trophy, a weathervane, a ping-pong set, a game of travel checkers, six packs of ramen noodles, a bow and arrow set, a crossbow, a candle, two photos of Shampoo (safe for work, I assure you), some very lewd pictures of Kodachi with her signature and kiss marks on them, a pair of tennis shoes, some tennis balls, a plush beaver, some golf clubs, a baseball bat and baseball, a tiny wrench and screwdriver, a Genesis, an NES controller, a Game Boy Micro, and some letter-shaped refrigerator magnets.
"Oh, my god! How many stupid things did you freakin' collect?!" Ranko fumed as she, Ryoga and Kenma rummaged through the pile.
Eventually, after some more searching, the key was recovered. Once that was handled, the locks were swiftly unlocked, and the three were about to make a hasty retreat.
…of course, they would have, if not for one problem.
"Wilbur! Wilbur, where are you?"
Ranko and Kenma facepalmed. "Oh, fuck me!" they exclaimed in irritation.
"We have to go back!" Ryoga shrieked as he turned and ran back.
"Do what you want, I'm outta here!" called Mousse as he left.
"Akane!" the lost boy called out.
"Ryoga? What are you doing here?" Akane asked, ignorant of the truth.
"Never mind what HE'S doin' here!" Kenma exclaimed. "We've gotta get the hell outta here!"
"But I still have to find Wilbur," insisted Akane.
"Forget the pig!" Kenma shrieked. "If we don't make tracks, we'll be strummin' harps in hog heaven!"
"Akane, that weight is a bomb!" Ranko exclaimed. "We need to run, NOW, if not sooner!"
"A bomb?!" the tomboy exclaimed.
"Yes, apparently Mousse had it on him somewhere—" Kenma stopped himself. "WHY AM I STILL YAMMERING? SOMEBODY PICK HER UP ALREADY AND RUN!"
"Yoink!" Ranko blurted out as she picked Akane up and started running in the opposite direction.
Seconds later, the bomb went off in a tremendous explosion.
BARAKA-SHA-BOOM!
AND SO, A LITTLE LATER…
Back at the dojo, in the backyard, Ryoga was fuming. "I can't believe I let that creep Mousse play me for a patsy!" he snapped. "I'm such an idiot!"
Kenma yawned. "Well, I'm not gonna stop you when you're right," he responded while playing with Tomo.
"That's your biggest problem, Ryoga," Ranma chimed in. "You're physically strong, but emotionally weak. Besides, Akane isn't even worth pining over, anyway."
Then, Ryoga whirled around. "I thought you and Akane were supposed to be engaged!" he said.
"That's what the old man believes," responded Ranma. "But I don't agree."
Ryoga fumed, practically hoarse with rage. "RANMA! You'd better take care of Akane, or—" he began before Kenma got into his face.
"Or WHAT, bacon bit? You'll do WHAT?!" he snapped, jutting a finger in his face. "First off, he's not her keeper! Akane's already seeing somebody else! Second, we know how this goes, you're just gonna turn into pig form & run off again so you can leap into Akane's bosom, but not before saying some cliche line as a goodbye. Face it, Ryoga, you've been playing the same old records for too long, & we're both sick of it. So you can either grow a pair and move on with your life, or just keep hopelessly pining over someone who doesn't even like you romantically!"
Ryoga was silent for a few minutes; as much as he hated to admit it, Kenma was actually correct in his statements.
"Well, I think it's time for me to take my leave," he declared.
Ranma made another mark on the chart. "88."
"Farewell, Saotome Brothers!" the lost boy said. "Farewell, Ryoga Hibiki!"
And thus, he dived into the koi pond with a splash. Once more, Wilbur crawled his way out.
Ranma glanced up at Kenma. "...and you're sure I can't just expose him?" he asked.
"Hey, the opportunity will present itself soon enough," said Kenma.
ELSEWHERE…
Mousse was in his duck form, walking down the road, reeling from the events of the day when he nearly got run over by Shampoo, who was on her bicycle making a delivery.
"Aiyah, Mousse." she cringed. "How'd you get so beat up?"
Mousse quacked and squawked, flapping his arms a few times.
"Let me guess, you tried to fight Kenma?" Shampoo sighed, shaking her head. "Mousse…somehow you just never learn."
Disappointed, the amazon girl rode off, leaving Mousse by himself.
And on one downtrodden, bespectacled bird, we…FADE OUT.
ON THE NEXT EPISODE…
If there's something strange, happening at school…who ya gonna call? Team Ranma?
Yeah, strange but true—there are reports of a supposed ghost haunting Furinkan High, so Ranma, Kenma, Ukyo, Akane, and Tsubasa have to check it out with their classmates…but is it all a hoax, or is it legitimate? Prepare for a spill, a chill, and some good old-fashioned Scooby hijinks in our next escapade:
Ghost Story! Ranma and the Magic Sword
OR
Shield Your Eyes, It's a Samurai
[I was going for something more Scooby-Doo style for a title]
We'll see you there, okay?