A/N: Thank you for your reviews! And again a special Thank You to Vorcha Girl for your feedback. (I hope you like the small changes I made.) Hope you all enjoy this slow chapter with some memories and a late-night Shenko conversation. :)

As always, Bioware owns Mass Effect. I'm just playing in their sandbox.

Chapter 10. Memories

After Kaidan had changed back into fatigues he went to work at the control panel. His mind was not focused on the task at hand, though. As he studied the evaluation report of the last simulation his mind kept wandering back to the last mission. He understood that some L2s were disappointed in the Alliance, sure. But that did not warrant actions such as kidnapping and blackmailing. He was also aware that with his migraines he belonged to a fairly small group of lucky L2s.

He had needed a while to 'get his head on straight' after his time at BAaT as his father had called it. And never before had he hated his biotics as much as during that time. The suicides of several fellow students as well as his loss of control had planted a fear of himself in his mind. It had taken his parent and his elder sister the better part of a year to help him even start getting over what had happened on Jump Zero, to take away his fear that he might snap as some other kids had.

His brother on the other hand wouldn't be in the same room as he was longer than necessary. The wedge that had for some reason always been between them just seemed even larger than before. His sister insisting he enroll in an engineering class at college had helped him greatly. It had taken his mind off things.

During that time he had passed the local Alliance Military recruiting office every day. And subconsciously the idea of enlisting had formed in his head. The recruiting officer had noticed him slow down everyday as he walked by, eying the recruitment poster.

..."I see you slowing down everyday when you pass my office." The recruitment officer had come out to him one day. "Are you considering enlisting? If so, I can give you information brochures or if you prefer you can come in and we can talk about your possibilities."

Kaidan had hesitated and then agreed to come by after his classes were done. That afternoon had changed his life. The recruitment officer had been impressed when he heard that Kaidan studied Engineering Physics but what had really gotten the officers' attention was a different statement.

"I'm a biotic," Kaidan had said almost meekly.

"A biotic!" the man had exclaimed. "Young man, do you have any idea which career chances the Alliance military has to offer you? There are massive incentives for biotics. The Alliance needs you!" Pulling open a drawer he began searching for something. "Wait just a minute...They have to be here somewhere...Ah, here we go." The recruitment officer handed Kaidan several brochures. "Take a look at these. And if you have any other questions, let me know. I can also arrange an appointment with someone who can give you more detailed information on the role of biotics within the Alliance military."

Kaidan had thanked him and gone on his way.

When he reached his parents' house he hadn't gone inside. Instead, he had gone around the back and jumped the fence, going to a more secluded part of the backyard. It was his 'practice spot', the only place where he could practice using his biotics without being seen either from the house or by neighbors.

He had to use his biotics, he had learned that the hard way. Just discharging the built-up energy from his implant wasn't enough. When he had first come home from BAaT he had avoided using his biotics, only discharging the static on any metal surface he could find, resulting in some of the worst migraines of his life. It was like an overload. After several of those he had taken up his biotic exercises again.

After running through a few exercises he had sat down on a tree stump and started reading the pamphlets he had gotten from the recruitment officer...

Kaidan shook himself. He had to focus on the evaluation reports in front of him and then write his report concerning the hostage-taking of Chairman Burns, not go down memory lane. Granted, there were a lot worse memories lurking there. This trip down memory lane was definitely one of the better ones. But it would be embarrassing if Shepard, or anybody else for that instance, happened to come by and find him daydreaming while on duty. Not suitable behavior for an Alliance officer.

Just as he started typing his report he saw Shepard and Liara walk into the mess and go on to the med bay. Liara's eyes were practically glued on the commander he noticed. Maybe some of the scuttlebutt was right. The asari appeared to have an interest in the commander that went beyond what was professional.

For crying out loud, Alenko! They are just talking!

He quickly stomped down any further jealousy. After all, Shepard spoke to everyone. It was one of the traits that made her such a good commander. She showed vested interest in her crew, especially her squad mates.

His thoughts went back to their return from the MSV Ontario. Shepard's first action back aboard the Normandy had been telling Joker to set a course for the Citadel. After that they had maintained their weapons and armor and Shepard had begun her usual round. Talking to everyone. Liara had been talking to Garrus when they had arrived in the cargo hold. Now, Shepard was probably done talking to the crew on the engineering deck and since Liara spent most of her time in the supply room of the med bay Shepard had decided to join her there.

No, not join. Kaidan thought annoyed. Not the asari kind of joining, anyway.

His eyes kept drifting to the med bay door. With a sigh he closed his workstation. He couldn't concentrate here, so he would go work at the usually empty co-pilot's console in the helm. And maybe Joker would distract his mind from the Commander and Liara.

When Shepard left the med bay all she wanted was to talk to Kaidan. She wondered about his time at BAaT and hoped he would agree to answering her questions. When they had come up from the engineering deck she had seen him working at the console next to her door. But he wasn't there. Unfortunately she didn't really have the time to search for him. She had received a message concerning a potential mission.

"Where has he gone to now?" she muttered to herself. She was feeling a little off-kilter after talking to Liara. She wasn't sure why. Liara was nice and pleasant to talk to, but something bothered Nick and talking to Kaidan made her feel...warm and fuzzy inside.

Yeah, but Commanders aren't supposed to feel warm and fuzzy inside just because they just happen to be talking to their hot Lieutenant with a husky voice. Nor should they think of said lieutenant as 'hot'...

"Guess that means it's time for your favorite part of the job, Shepard," she sighed sarcastically as she headed for her cabin. No, first she would grab a bite to eat. Surely Kaidan would show up in the mess soon. Unless he already ate while you were busy talking to everyone and their brother a small voice in her head told her.

"Sergeant, have you seen Lieutenant Alenko?" she asked the mess sergeant.

"You missed him by maybe ten minutes, ma'am. He went up to the CIC," the mess sergeant told her. The CIC? What was he doing up there? He wasn't on duty there. Or was he? She tried recalling today's duty roster to her mind. No, she was certain he didn't have any duties in the CIC today. It was Pressley's job to oversee the galaxy chart and the crew on duty in the CIC.

She thanked the mess sergeant for the food and sat down at the table. She had been hungry but now all she could do was pick at the food. Her friends had always laughed at her because she could always eat, no matter the time of day. And the fact that she actually liked some MREs, which was sure to be singular in all known worlds. Or so Matt liked to tell her. But now she couldn't swallow one bite. Damn.

Her thoughts wandered to the conversation she had just had with Liara. She had inquired about Liara's interest in the Protheans, wanting to pick up with their conversation where they had stopped before Edolus.

Surprisingly Liara said that they had more been talking about her interest in Shepard. Then they started talking about how humanity was perceived by others.

"Unfortunately others see humanity as somewhat of a bully," Liara told her.

Shepard looked surprised. "You mean other species are scared of us?"

"You must admit, humans have the tendency to run anything over that gets into their path. It is up to people like you to change their minds, Shepard. There is a reason the Council chose you to a be Spectre. They saw something special in you. The best humanity has to offer." Shepard snorted and Liara hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I looked into your history and I know what happened in the Blitz and then on Akuze. The first was a remarkable display of courage and heroism and the second a fierce will to survive."

"You could've just asked me. I don't like my crew mates going behind my back reading up on me." Shepard frowned.

"I am sorry, after our last talk I was afraid I might insult you by saying something stupid again. I wanted to know more about you, understand what made you into the woman you are. There is something compelling about you, Shepard." Liara's voice dropped just a little.

Shepard chuckled. "Of course you would find me interesting. After all I have a vision from a prothean beacon burned into my brain." Her omnitool beeped. Shepard glanced down at it. "I should go."

"Of course, Shepard." Liara looked as if she wished to add something but then changed her mind.

Now, Shepard sat in the mess wondering just how 'compelling' Liara found her. She checked the message on her omnitool again. It was from a certain Nassana Dantius suggesting a meeting on the Citadel. She didn't state the nature of the mission, just saying that she would be waiting at the embassies to give her further information.

Shepard slowly finished eating and decided to head to the cockpit to ask Joker what their ETA was and maybe chat a bit. He was Kaidan's friend after all. Maybe he knew something about Kaidan's past yet, too.

To her surprise Joker was not alone in the helm. Alenko was there as well, working. His raspy voice reached her ears and sent shivers of delight down her spine. Apparently they had been talking but had finished now since both returned their attention to their workstations. Nick's curiosity just about killed her. She ached to know what or who they had talked about. Neither man heard her approach and they nearly jumped when she spoke.

"Lieutenants, is everything alright up here?"

"Geez, Commander!" Joker complained. "What is with you and sneaking up on people? You'll give me a heart attack some day."

"I didn't sneak up on you. I just walk quietly. Blame it on infiltrator training if you want. Fact is, you were both just obviously lost in thought." She glanced over at Kaidan. "I'm surprised to see you working up here, Lieutenant. I had expected you to be at the control panel on the crew deck." So I could talk to you, she added silently. Before he could answer she looked back at Joker. "Anyway, I just wanted to know how long until we reach the Citadel."

"About sixteen hours, Commander," came the reply.

"Thank you. That'd be all." She turned and left. Kaidan kept his eyes glued to the terminal in front of him. He wasn't going to look after her. He had heard a slight reprimand in her voice and now he wondered if Joker had heard it as well. When he turned his head he saw Joker was looking after her and he felt a surge of envy run through him. Kaidan closed his eyes in annoyance at himself.

She. Is. Your. Commander. Nothing more, Alenko!

"The Commander seems kinda pissed, don't you think?" Joker asked suddenly. "And it almost sounded like she was looking for you."

"Yeah," Kaidan replied curtly. He shot a glance at the time stamp on the console. One more hour, then he was off duty.

"Whoa, what's wrong with you all of a sudden?" Joker sat back, eying him suspiciously.

"Nothing," Kaidan answered. His friend gave him a knowing look but didn't press the matter for which Kaidan was extremely grateful. It seemed that for now he wasn't going to make any comments about Kaidan's feelings for their commanding officer.

Kaidan woke up around one in the morning with a foul taste in his mouth. Apparently his brain had still been bent on traveling down memory lane and it had taken him back to BAaT. He shivered as he got out of his sleeper pod, thinking about the dream. He wouldn't be able to go back to sleep for a while. He hadn't dreamed of Rahna for quite a while and he wasn't sure why he had done so tonight.

For one thing he couldn't picture her face, no matter how hard he tried. In his dream she had had her back turned to him the whole time even though he had begged her to turn around. All she did was whisper You killed him! But she never turned to face him. Instead of Rahna's face with her coppery skin and soft dark brown eyes the face that came to his mind was pale with freckles dusted across to nose and a pair of intense blue-gray eyes. The thought alone made his heart rate quicken.

After pulling on his sweats he went to the galley to fix himself a sandwich. The next thing he knew was that he was fixing a pot of coffee and some hot chocolate. He stared down at the cocoa. Why had he made that? Shepard was sleeping peacefully in her cabin, it wasn't as if she was suddenly going to show up again and drink a coffee with hot chocolate with him, was it? Even if it had happened twice in the past week. Nevertheless his hands worked on their on accord as they pulled Shepard's mug out of the cabinet and filled it with coffee and hot chocolate. Taking it and his own mug he went to the mess table to sit down. Wishful thinking, Alenko.

Kaidan opened his omnitool and began flicking through the pictures he had on there. There were pictures from home. His parents, his sister Erin, even one with his brother Daniel. There were a few from his time at BAaT, including one of him together with Rahna. He had always thought her to be beautiful and usually looking at that picture brought a feeling of loss and regret. This time as he gazed at it he felt neither. She was pretty, yes, but no more than that.

Suddenly, he remembered what he had told Shepard after she had asked him if he had any intentions concerning Liara. I prefer adventurous women. Rahna definitely didn't fit that description, at least not back at BAaT. No, Kaidan realized, whatever he had once felt for Rahna it had been replaced by something else. Rahna would have never accepted a deeper relationship with an Alliance soldier. She despised violence and she was no friend of the military. And here he was, proud to be an officer in the Alliance Navy. They would have never worked out in the long run.

Then a different idea struck his mind. What if the scuttlebutt was right and there was something between Liara and the commander? Maybe she was interested in his intentions because she had intentions towards Liara. He frowned at the thought as he stared at the picture on his omnitool.

He was so lost in his contemplations that he didn't hear the swish of Shepard's cabin door or notice her slowly walk over to the table.

Screaming, dying. That was all she heard as she ran from cover to cover, trying to line up a shot at the monster that killed her team mates. The air was acrid with the stench of maw acid mingling with the sickening sweetish smell of rotting flesh and vomit. It assailed her senses and she felt herself gag. Suddenly there was not only a thresher maw but shiploads of batarians landing all around her.

This was not right! There weren't supposed to be any batarians in this dream!

But the dream continued. She looked frantically around as the scenario changed and Akuze faded away, noticing a group of civilians behind her. She grabbed an assault rifle and as much ammo as she could carry and ushered them into a nearby shelter. Then she ran into cover again. It was perfect. She had high ground and an almost unrestricted view of the plaza in front of her.

Laying the assault rifle next to her she quickly assembled her sniper rifle. One of the civilians left the shelter and she tried telling him to hide again but no sound came out of her mouth. Then the batarians spotted him and she could only try shooting as many of them as possible. Her ammunition stack got smaller and smaller.

"The Alliance will be here soon, the Alliance will be here soon." she kept repeating in her mind. But it was not the Alliance that showed up next, it was the Saren's ship from Eden Prime. And the scene changed again. There were geth and husks and the worst thing was seeing her squad mates lying dead on the ground, scattered around a pair of dragon teeth. And on those dragon teeth Ash and Kaidan were impaled. Ash and Kaidan...

Shepard woke with a start, breathing hard as she sat up in her bed. She had nightmares every once in a while but never had her dreams about Akuze and the Blitz mingled. And Saren and the geth being there was also new. She glanced at her bedside clock. 0120. She shivered as she realized she was covered in cold sweat, her N7 tank top drenched. She quickly got up and took it off pulling a clean shirt out of her dresser.

Suddenly she stopped and took a deep breath. What was that smell? Fresh coffee? Cocoa? There was only one person who would start brewing a fresh coffee now. She put on the clean tank top and her sweats and stepped out of her cabin, her gaze instantly drawn to the mess table. Sure enough, Kaidan was sitting at the table, two mugs in front him. One of them was hers. She smiled despite the nightmare. I wonder what made him fix the cocoa and prepare my mug?

She saw him flicking through something on his omnitool, hesitating especially long at one time. She slowly walked over and as she got closer she could tell he was looking at pictures. Shepard stopped moving forward again, just looking at him. He still hadn't noticed her. He had a thoughtful expression on his face and she watched him run one finger across a picture. He frowned at some thought and suddenly he became aware of her. He turned his head to look at her.

"Shepard." He kept his voice low, his eyes widening in surprise as he looked up at her. She looks pale, he thought. Even paler than usual.

"You look surprised, Lieutenant. Funny, considering you have my mug standing there on the table filled with cocoa. And I am sure you didn't make that for yourself," she said teasingly.

"Uh, yeah." He blushed. "That was just a hunch."

She sat down in her usual seat, tucking one leg under her and pulling the other leg up towards her body. It must be one of favorite ways to sit, Kaidan thought.

"Good hunch. Now, why are you up? Late-night snack again?" she pointed at his empty plate with her chin.

"That was just comfort food, so to speak," he answered.

She just raised her eyebrows at that statement. "What for?"

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. "I had a dream that was kind of disturbing. Nothing serious. And since I was awake I decided to grab a bite." Saying it out loud made him feel rather embarrassed. Shepard would probably think he was a pansy because he couldn't go back to sleep after a dream.

"Huh, you too? And I thought I was the only one with nightmares here," Shepard replied.

Wait, what? Kaidan thought, she was awake because of a nightmare as well? Maybe he didn't have to be embarrassed after all. Then she asked, "What was it about?"

Kaidan took his mug and turned it in his hands. You can tell her, a small voice said. He looked up again and saw her look at him intently. "BAaT. And yours?"

"First Akuze, then Elysium and finally Eden Prime."

"Whoa. That makes my dream seem trifling." Now Kaidan felt embarrassed again. He couldn't imagine how it was for her to relive Akuze and then the Blitz and Eden Prime with that damn beacon in her dreams all in one night. And I just dream about a girl I fancied not talking to me anymore. You're pathetic, Alenko.

Shepard sensed her chance to ask him about BAaT. "Tell me about BAaT."

Kaidan gave a short start. "'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in it was Brain Camp. Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind. We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.'" Shepard could practically hear the air-quotes. He sounds bitter. Kaidan continued in a level tone, "You know, you come home one day after school and there are these guys in suits waiting for you at your front door and the next thing you know is you're out on Jump Zero."

"Jump Zero, that's Gagarin Station, right? What's it like?"

"That's the official name. Largest and furthest station we had for decades, right on the termination shock, the outer edge of the solar system. It's where they did all the goose-chase FTL research before we caught on to using mass effect fields. The grand 'Gateway to Humanity' looks a lot better in the vids. It was a sterile research platform when I was there."

Shepard frowned slightly. She had spent most of her childhood on Alliance vessels and space stations, only spending vacation on Earth. For Kaidan it was exactly the opposite. He had spent his childhood on Earth with his parents and siblings. He had been used to playing outdoors after school, not the artificial environment of a space station with its filtered air. Of course it would have seemed sterile to him.

"But you weren't alone, were you? I mean, there were other kids in the same boat, right?" she inquired.

"That's true," Kaidan admitted. "We did have a small circle that would get together every night before lights out. Play cards, talk, stuff like that. There was not much more to do, though. Conatix must've thought we might leak research data so they kept us off the extranet."

Shepard thought of her time at the Alliance Boarding School on Arcturus she had gone to as she drank some of her hot cocoa. They hadn't been kept off the extranet and there were plenty of extracurricular activities but… they had been teenagers and sometimes things had gotten physical.

"You were all teenagers. I'm sure you found more physical ways to occupy the time than just playing cards," she remarked, watching him out of the corner of her eye.

"I don't do that kind of thing lightly, Commander. There was a girl I spent a lot of time with but we kept our clothes on, you know. Rahna. She was smart and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like you." Kaidan hesitated a fraction of a second before adding, "Commander."

Shepard hated her already, feeling jealous of an unknown woman because the lieutenant thought she was beautiful. Then her brain caught up with her ears. He said Beautiful, like you. Maybe he thinks I'm beautiful, too. Shepard cleared her throat.

"Ah, sounds like she was special to you." Say no, she implored him silently, but no such luck.

"She was. And maybe she felt the same." Kaidan shrugged. "But things never fell together. Training, you know." I hate her, I hate her, Shepard repeated in her mind. She felt her masochistic streak awake in her, wanting her to inquire more about this Rahna.

"What did you learn there?" she asked instead.

"To use our abilities," Kaidan said simply. "It takes a lot of practice to be able to manipulate dark energy by creating mass effect fields. First of all you have to learn to control the eezo nodules in your body to create said mass effect fields. Forget teaching the kids to move stuff, hell, in the beginning they had enough trouble making sure some kids didn't break their own limbs." his gaze became unfocused.

"Where did they find teachers? Did they ask the asari?" Shepard wondered.

"Ha! That would've been something..." Kaidan laughed shortly before becoming serious again. "No, the company didn't go through the Council. The Alliance was afraid it would make Earth look weak. Truth be told, the Alliance really screwed the pooch there. They should've kept a closer eye on what Conatix did. Eventually progress was not, well, progressing quick enough, so the company brought in 'experts'. No asari, unfortunately."

"Why? What did they do?"

"They secretly hired turian mercenaries."

Nick thought she must have misunderstood. "Turian mercenaries? Why not the asari? They are natural biotics after all, they would have made more sense. And why secretly?"

"Yeah, well, the company didn't want to admit to the public they were hiring turian mercenaries so shortly after the First Contact War. And I can assure you it was not a good choice. Sure, we learned to control our abilities but at what cost?" He fell silent, a quick spasm of pain fleeting over his face. "The turian they brought in to teach us, Commander Vyrnnus, was a veteran of the war. He had no love for humans and he made sure we knew it. To introduce himself he liked to say 'I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father'. His methods were...brutal." His voice fell to a mere whisper at the last word.

"What did he do?" her voice echoed his as she whispered the question in return.

"He used hunger and thirst as training aids. He would keep us training so long that we would miss meal times and tell us that if we wanted to go eat we would have to work harder. Said it would give us a proper incentive. And if he had it in for you he would taunt you by tormenting your friends." He took a swallow of his coffee and looked at her and she could see anger in his eyes. Not directed at her, but at the memories she had made him recall. "Commander, could we talk about something else?"

"Yes, of course, Kaidan. I am sorry." She felt like kicking herself. She just had to keep on prodding, didn't she?

"It's okay, Commander." He gave her a quick smile. "I take it we'll be at the Citadel by 1000?" His voice sounded casual as he changed the subject, but she could tell he still felt uncomfortable.

"Unless the Brass comes up with something really important and redirects us, yes. Once we're at the station we'll inform Admiral Kahoku about the missing marines. I want you and Ashley to accompany me there. Then we'll restock some things and I'll take Garrus and the others to the Spectre Requisitions Office so they can get those new toys I promised them. I hope to be done with everything by 1800 so we can get on our way to Feros." She glanced into her empty mug. "Now I think I'll try getting a few hours of shut-eye yet. Thank you for the talk, Kaidan."

"Anytime, Shepard. Good night."