A/N: Thank you Vorcha Girl, Vicky and guest for the reviews on my last chapter. Vorcha Girl, as always a special thank you for being my beta and putting up with all my rambling!

Bioware owns Mass Effect.

Chapter 19. Ontarom

"Do you think we'll find anything useful in the data we recovered from that base, Commander?" Kaidan asked quietly as they walked towards the CIC. "Or do you think it flashed too much already?"

"I have no idea. You're the techie here. How much data do you think it wiped?" she retorted.

"Hard to say. It all depends on the data type." He shrugged.

Nick frowned slightly as they stepped through the bulkhead into the CIC. She had been in a bad mood for days now. Ever since taking down Elanos Haliat on Agebinium to be more precise. The thought alone still made her seethe. How could a human sell out a human colony into slavery to the batarian hegemony? In her eyes there was nothing to excuse that. Now the instigator of the attack on Elysium was dead. With a little help of her hand. There was this evil, hateful voice in her head that kept telling her she should have let him perish from his stomach wound. It would have taken hours and given her an odd twisted feeling of satisfaction.

She hadn't let that happen for two reasons. The first reason was that she didn't think anybody deserved that fate, even if it was a close call in Haliat's case. And the second reason was that she had been afraid he might have back-up on the way and he just might have been rescued. Unlikely as it may have been, she hadn't wanted to risk it.

The downside was that she was having worse nightmares than usual about the Skyllian Blitz, and she hadn't had any late-night talks with Kaidan since Feros. She wasn't quite willing to admit how much she enjoyed those talks alone in the mess. She cast a sideways glance at him just before she turned to take up her preferred spot at the galaxy map and he went on to the helm to take up his duty at the survey station.

Their eyes met briefly and Kaidan gave her his lop-sided smile. Nick felt her heart skip a beat before she flashed him a quick smile as well. He returned his gaze to the front and continued his way to the helm. Her eyes followed him as she stepped up to the galaxy map.

Damn it, Shepard, take your eyes off his ass!

She didn't. They were glued on his retreating form until Joker's voice caught her attention. It was about an incoming transmission from Admiral Hackett.

"Sir?" She prayed her voice sounded normal, because her mouth had gone dry and her heart was still doing funny things.

"I've received some information I thought you'd want to see, Shepard," the slightly distorted voice of the admiral rang over the comm system. "Someone is killing former Alliance scientists. There have been four deaths in the last month."

"Former scientists? Sounds almost like a cover-up. Does someone have a project they want to keep secret?" Shepard asked.

"We found a connection between the scientists … and you," Hackett continued.

"Me?" Nick couldn't help but be surprised. What should Alliance scientists have to do with her?

"They all worked on a classified project several years ago," the admiral paused slightly. "On Akuze."

Nick remained silent for a brief moment as she let the information settle in. "Brilliant. First some failed Terminus system pirate leader trying to get back at me for thwarting his rise to power during the Blitz and now you're suggesting these scientists may have had something to do with the attack on my unit? Those bastards!"

"I don't know. Those thresher maws killed dozens of soldiers. If this was more than an accident we need to know. Listen, what you do with this information is up to you. I just thought you'd want to know." Again Hackett hesitated before going on. "There was a fifth scientist working on the project. A certain Dr. Wayne. I'm transmitting his last known coordinates. Good luck. Fifth Fleet out."

She stared at the galaxy map for a moment before uploading the received coordinates to the map. She groaned inwardly when she saw they lay in the Kepler verge. Why couldn't Hackett have had the information nearly two weeks earlier when they had still been there? Well, there was no use bellyaching about it. Her thoughts began revolving around Akuze. Was it really possible that Alliance scientists had something to do with the thresher maw attack on her unit? Why? Why would the Alliance do that? What if had something to do with Cerberus, the rogue Alliance black ops organization?

Her fingers gripped the railing in front of the galaxy map and she hung her head shortly. Whatever it was, she would find out soon enough; one way or the other.

Later that night she awoke drenched in sweat again. Her dreams about Elysium and Akuze had merged again and she couldn't shake the image of the thresher maw attacking not only her unit, but also the civilians she was trying to defend against the batarians during the Blitz. The smell of maw acid burning its way through flesh mingled with the sharp, acrid smell of gunfire. The olfactory memory assailed her, making her senses reel.

Taking deep, controlled breaths she sat up slowly.

Nick glanced at her clock. 0244. Scrubbing her hands over her face she got up. She needed a fresh shirt. And maybe she should make herself some tea. Dr. Chakwas had ordered her to stock up on some herbal tea that was supposed to help her sleep. Maybe she should start drinking that in the evening.

Dressed in a fresh tank top and Alliance issue sweat pants she stepped into the mess – and almost collided with Kaidan.

"Whoa! Sorry, Commander! I didn't expect anybody to be up," he apologized. He looked at her sharply, "Is everything all right? You look a bit pale."

He was still wearing his fatigues, she realized. "I'm fine. Haven't you caught any shut-eye yet?"

Kaidan shook his head. "No, I was on first watch and then I spent nearly two hours with Specialist Chaudry going through the data from Nepheron. I just wanted to grab a bite to eat and then hit the rack."

"Why? No, seriously, why did you spend two hours of your off-duty time for that? You could've left it until tomorrow?"

"Sure, but I figured the sooner we decrypt the data, the better. We hadn't planned on it taking this long."

"I was just going to fix myself some tea. You could join me," Nick blurted out. Pathetic, Shepard. Are you in middle school, or what?

There was this half-smile again. "My pleasure, Shepard."

Together they walked to the galley, not speaking yet incredibly aware of the other. Nick opened the cabinet with the tea, and looked for the medicinal tea the doctor had ordered her to get. She pulled the tin out and sniffed as she opened the lid.

"Sure you don't want some coffee? I'll even fix you my special," Kaidan offered as he scooped coffee powder into the machine.

Nick shook her head and smiled at him. "I'll never understand how in the world you can drink coffee at this time of night and then go to sleep. I'm even more surprised it still has any effect on you in the mornings anymore."

"I just like drinking coffee."

"As for your offer, I'd love to have a special but I think tonight I'll drink this herbal tea the doctor told me to get."

"What is it against? If, uh, if it's alright that I ask?" Kaidan gave her a quick sideways glance as Nick poured boiling water onto the sachet. She nodded and jabbed her head towards the mess table, indicating they should sit down.

"It's supposed to help against my insomnia," she explained as she watched him eat his sandwich. It was disappearing quickly.

"Are you still having visions from the beacon?" Kaidan asked.

"No, well, technically yes, but I've gotten so used to it that it doesn't bother me quite as much anymore. No, these are old nightmare." She stared at the table, drawing circles with her fingers. Kaidan remained silent and when her eyes flicked to the side she saw him watching her closely. She sighed and took a swallow of tea, instantly pulling a face. "Eww, this is disgusting. Does the doctor want to kill me or just my taste buds?"

"Shepard, you put half a bottle of hot sauce on your dinner. I'm surprised you can taste anything at all." Kaidan smirked at her. Nick held her mug under his nose. It smelled a little bitter. "Smells medicinal. So, do you want me to fix you some hot cocoa?"

She nodded and he went back to the galley. Taking another sip of tea she watched him prepare the hot cocoa and felt this pleasant twist in her stomach. I could get used to this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly when he returned, handing her the mug. "If you don't, I understand that. I … know what it's like. Just know that whenever you want to talk about something that's bothering you, I'm here."

Their eyes met as she took the mug out of his hands and she saw the concern in his gaze. Instinctively she knew it was not a concern for her in the function of commanding officer, but concern for her, Nick. She knew she could tell him. Kaidan wouldn't judge her and he wouldn't interrupt her. He would listen as she bared her disturbed soul, but not tonight.

"I'd rather not talk about it right now, but I appreciate you asking. And I'll remember, don't worry." She smiled at him, keeping her eyes locked with his and a wave of relief swept through when he nodded. He wouldn't push and prod. She took a swig of cocoa. No coffee in it. "I thought you were going to make me a special?"

"You said you wanted to sleep yet, so no coffee," Kaidan retorted.

"Smart-ass."

They sat in the dimly lit mess in silence, just drinking their hot beverages. As Shepard watched Kaidan she saw his expression grow thoughtful. It was an expression she remembered seeing on his face when he had told her about BAaT. He hadn't finished his story then. Maybe…

"You never finished telling me what happened at BAaT."

His eyes flicked to meet hers, only to drop to the mug in his hands. "You're right. I haven't."

She watched as he clenched his jaw. He gave her a sideways glance. "Do you want me to?"

Nick barely refrained from rolling her eyes. "I wouldn't have mentioned it otherwise, would I, Alenko? So, yes, I want you to tell me what else happened there."

"I told you about Vyrnnus's teaching methods, but did I tell you that we weren't allowed any contact with our families that wasn't supervised? Letters were censored and if you started talking about details on the phone they severed the connection." He told her how one boy had managed to build a transmitter and that they'd tried sending messages. The next day when they arrived in class they found their classmate tied to a post. "Shelby was the one who'd built the transmitter. Vyrnnus told us we were wasting our education and asked me specifically if I thought it was a joke. I answered that I didn't. Then he asked if we knew what Shelby had been doing the previous night. Of course none of us said anything, so we began our biotic exercises. Hours later without any breaks some of us were near collapsing from exhaustion. Rahna was one of them."

"The girl from Turkey that you liked?"

Kaidan nodded. "Yes. She nearly dropped the block she was exercising with, but I managed to catch it for her. Unfortunately Vyrnnus noticed. He congratulated me on my catch and then taunted Rahna with a glass of water floating in front of her face, asking if she was thirsty. She confirmed that she was and he told her to take the glass. She reached for the water with her hand instead of pulling it biotically and Vyrnnus broke her arm. He broke her arm because she wanted a swallow of water." A hint of anger crept into his voice.

He fell silent for a moment, gathering himself. "Like an idiot, I stood up, didn't know what I was going to do, just something. And Vyrnnus beat the crap out of me. He kept shouting that humans were pathetic and they should've bombed us back to the Stone Age when they had the chance. That's when the knife came up. A military-issue Talon, right in my face." His hand moved up to touch the scar on his lip. "I … cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth, almost as strong as I can manage today. At seventeen that's something."

"It was self-defense, Kaidan. And you were trying to protect a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing." Nick remarked.

"My intentions may have been noble, but I lost control. I … I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck." He looked away briefly. "Maybe they could've saved him if they had gotten him to an infirmary fast enough, but they didn't. The whole thing caused quite a stir. BAaT was shut down and Conatix folded a few years later." He let out a small huff. "It's funny, I'm not sure which of us got the worse of what happened."

"What about Rahna?" Nick wondered out loud. "Was she all right?"

"Rahna? Yeah, she was fine. We, uh, we didn't speak much after that anymore." Kaidan stared at his empty mug.

"Are you kidding? After you almost got killed for her?" Shepard sat up straight in her chair, disbelief in her voice.

"Rahna had a gentle heart, she loved everyone and Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him, everyone who … loved her. After what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too."

"Well, then she was full of shit. And I'm surprised you don't hold a grudge towards turians after the crap you had to take from Vyrnnus," Nick told him.

"Why would I? I hated Vyrnnus, yes, but he was only one turian. Just because one's an ass doesn't mean they all are." He gave her a confused look.

"You're right, but this explains a lot about you. It's the reason you're so controlled."

"I'm not any more disciplined than any other biotic in the Alliance. Anyway, it's ancient history. I'm over it."

"Bull, Kaidan." Nick snorted, turning to face him fully. He glanced at her in wonder. "Sometimes you're wound tighter than a clock. You agonize over doing the right thing and never let yourself lose control, all because a girl spurned you after Vyrnnus died."

Her tone of voice left no room for any argument. He didn't answer right away, but kept looking into those stormy eyes. At last he sighed. "Maybe you're right. But don't worry about me; fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you, uh, on the crew."

Nick set her mug down violently. "Dammit, Kaidan! You are not a burden! Not on me, not on the crew. Now stop thinking less of yourself just because you talked about this. You are a strong man, one of the best soldiers I know and definitely the strongest biotic I've met so far." She reached out with her hand, tilting up his chin so he looked at her. He felt his heart race at the gentle, but firm touch. "Talking about this doesn't make you weak, or a whiner, or immature. It makes you human."

Shepard listened to Kaidan and Garrus discussing which omni-tool was most effective at priming tech grenades. Again. She could have sworn it was the same thing they had talked about the evening before too. The only difference was that Tali had taken part in the discussion then. As far as Nick could tell Garrus had decided to pick sides with Tali, while Kaidan continued to defend his choice. Personally, she didn't agree with either of them.

Now, they were standing next to the Mako waiting for her to gear up. Nick had been held up in the CIC on her way down to the cargo hold and by the time she arrived there Kaidan and Garrus were already done. Nick was fairly certain though that omni-tools hadn't been their topic of conversation earlier as she had seen Ashley talking to them as the elevator doors opened. Ash had looked at her over her shoulder, grinned and walked towards the weapons bench.

At least, Nick thought as she stripped down to her skivvies, Ash seems to have loosened up around Garrus now as well. Or maybe it was because Kaidan was there as well. Nick knew that Kaidan and Ashley were close. She teased him something terrible at the dinner table and their squabbling reminded Nick of her cousins. Anyway, she was glad to see that Ashley didn't keep her distance from Garrus anymore but talked to him as well. It sure had taken long enough.

She was tightening the last strap on her armor when Kaidan approached her. Wordlessly she turned around, letting him run his hands over the seams of her armor. She closed her eyes, wishing his hands would run over her like that without the armor. Stop it, Shepard!

The quick double-pat brought her back to reality, as did Kaidan's husky voice.

"All clear, Commander."

They climbed into the Mako, taking up their preferred seats. Although Garrus grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, "Why can't Alenko drive for a change?".

Nick shot him a mock glare. "I heard that, Vakarian."

"I certainly hope so," Garrus shot back.

They strapped in and prepared for the drop. As soon as they were settled Shepard gave Joker the order to open the cargo hold.

The topography of Ontarom made Shepard hoot with joy. It was mountainous terrain and she loved the challenge of maneuvering up and down the steep slopes. Kaidan gave her a quick rundown on the position of their main target as well as some anomalies that could be worth checking out.

"Can we please avoid those slopes as much as possible?" Garrus asked.

"Geez, Garrus! Stop whining. I won't break your precious Mako!" Nick told him as she accelerated the Mako, making it lurch as she enthusiastically drove it over a ground wave.

A while later they stood next to the Mako staring across a ravine onto the underground facility. Shepard had pulled her sniper rifle and was peering through the scope. Garrus had done the same and she signaled him to move further towards nine o'clock. Then she turned to Kaidan.

"Alenko, there's a spare sniper rifle in the Mako. Grab it."

Kaidan suppressed a groan. "I'm really bad at this, Commander."

"Just aim at the crates, eliminating their possibilities of going into cover. You can do that, it's not like crates are moving targets. Garrrus and I will take care of those. And don't worry, you'll have ample opportunity to shine once we get inside that bunker." She grinned at him. The grin grew even wider as she watched him climb back into the Mako. When he reappeared with the sniper rifle she patted his back encouragingly.

They dropped to the ground and crept forward until they were in a good position to pick their targets. Kaidan did what Shepard had suggested – he just shot at the crates until they crumpled. It had been a long time since he last shot with a sniper rifle. Garrus and Shepard on the other hand had obviously begun a competition for the most head-shots. Kaidan couldn't help but grin when Nick extended her lead.

Kaidan tried to remember everything he had ever learned about shooting with a sniper rifle and when he actually hit a hostile he felt a thrill run through him. That it was a lucky shot didn't matter and that Shepard turned to look at him with a wide grin and gave him a thumbs up made it even better.

As soon as their HUDs showed no further hostile activity on the outside of the facility Shepard signaled them to mount the Mako.

A short time later she brought the Mako to a halt in front of the entrance to the underground facility. They disembarked and readied their weapons. Kaidan felt much more at ease with his pistol in hand, even if he had to admit there as a certain thrill to sniping.

The antechamber was empty apart from the body of a scientist laying on the floor. They continued into a passage leading into a large chamber. Kaidan flashed out his omni-tool, scanning the area quickly. Eight tangos, he let them know using hand signals. Nick and Garrus nodded.

The door slid open and they carefully entered the large room, taking cover behind a large pillar. Nick motioned at Garrus to go to the other corner of the pillar and peaked carefully around hers. There! She had a visual. She glanced over to Garrus who looked back at her and shook his head. He didn't have a clear shot. She glanced at Kaidan, who had his omni-tool ready and a primed grenade in his hands. She signaled both to be prepared to move up.

Nick pulled her sniper rifle and scoped the mercenary she had in sight. She had no sooner fired when hell broke loose around them. The mercenaries put up a lot of resistance. They were obviously no beginners and they well equipped. Their weapons were powerful, as were their armor and shields.

The combination of Kaidan's and Garrus's tech skills were a definite asset for them, as they had a fair chance of Overloading hostile shields and Sabotaging their weapons. What made things more difficult were the two krogan. One of the krogan came charging at the only to be Thrown back forcefully. As the krogan mercenary landed on the ground Nick saw Kaidan's omni-tool flash again as he issued a Neural Shock.

Garrus' assault rifle barked as he engaged with several mercenaries. Nick picked off a two of the mercenaries fighting Garrus with her sniper rifle before becoming aware that several mercs intended to flank them. Kaidan had also noticed them and suddenly the three mercenaries found themselves Lifted off the floor as he tossed an Overload in their midst. The only one not killed by this combination was the krogan, but Nick didn't give him any chance of recovery as she pulled her shotgun and fired.

There were two more hostiles left, but they were holed up in the back of the room, forcing Shepard and her squad to leave their cover. Apprehensively they moved on. Nick felt the fine hair on her neck stand on end. This tasted oddly of a sniper waiting to get them in his sight.

Sudden movement at two o'clock got their attention as did the grenade sailing through the air. Nick and her squad scattered. She rolled behind a crate and then heard the sound of a pistol being fired in rapid succession. Apparently her lieutenant had just dispatched one of two missing tangos. At least she hoped it was him. She quickly powered up her HUD to check the vitals of her squad. Kaidan's shield were low, but his health was intact. The same went for Garrus.

Nick peered around the box she was hiding behind and noticed a shadow behind some other crates. She pulled a grenade from her belt. So that's where you're hiding, you bastard!

A short time later the sniper was also accounted for and they continued to move through the facility. As the door leading to the left was locked they headed right. Weapons ready, Shepard punched the door panel to open the door and they stepped inside the room only to see a scientist being held at gun point by a mercenary.

The mercenary turned his head a fraction towards them. "Stay back! I've no grief with you! All I want is this bastard!"

"Please," the scientist begged. "He's a madman! Mr. Toombs, you're insane, you need help!"

Kaidan saw Shepard twitch at the name Toombs and she stepped carefully forward, trying to look the mercenary in the face.

The man kept his pistol trained on the scientist. "Shut up! You don't get to lie! You don't ... " his voice trailed off and he turned his head towards Shepard again, eyes going wide. "Shepard? My God, Shepard, is that you?"

"Corporal Toombs?" Shepard's voice shook slightly. There was a note of horror in her voice that Kaidan hadn't heard before. "No. No, it can't be. I saw you die on Akuze. I saw the maw pull you under! How … how did you get here?"

"They took me, Shepard. The scientists."

The scientist Toombs was holding at gun point called out, "You can't prove any of this! You're delusional!"

The scientist didn't deny the involvement, he just claimed they couldn't prove anything, Kaidan realized instantly and felt sick to his stomach. He exchanged a quick glance with Garrus and saw the turian's mandibles twitching.

Toombs looked squarely at Shepard. "See, they were running tests on the thresher maws. They let that thing hit us just to watch and study! I woke up in a holding cell, Shepard. The scientists were delighted I'd survived. Now they had a test subject."

"What did they do to you, Toombs?" Now the shaking was more evident in her voice, but it was shaking with rage. Kaidan saw her clenching her fists at her side.

"They wanted to see the effect of thresher maw acid on humans if it got into our circulatory system. They're part of some secret organization called Cerberus."

"You can't believe Toombs! I demand a fair trial, he doesn't have any proof!" the scientist interrupted again.

Both Shepard and Toombs snarled at him to shut up.

"This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?"

"You're better than this, Toombs. Not like them. They lost their path, but you are still a soldier."

"Don't tell me who I am!" Toombs growled at Shepard. "You got away with a few scratches and a scary reputation. The rest of the unit died and I was tortured for years, Shepard! You can't judge me, you don't have the right."

Shepard took another step forward. Her voice was firm as she tried to convince the corporal that shooting Dr. Wayne would not bring the relief he was hoping for. Appealing to his honor as an Alliance marine she tried to show him what set him apart from those that had gone rogue. Slowly Toombs' conviction wavered.

"Toombs, I can arrest him and see to it that he is put under trial. And we have more evidence about Cerberus yet." Then her voice turned hard, "And I promise you, if he tries to escape or weasel his way out of this I will shoot him myself."

The corporal nodded and slowly lowered his weapon. Dr. Wayne on the other had bristled with indignation. "You can't do this! You have no idea what you are up against!"

"Watch. Me," Shepard growled. "I'm a Spectre, I can do whatever the hell I deem necessary."

She returned her attention to Toombs, who was turning the pistol back and forth idly in his hands with a thoughtful expression. After a few seconds he started speaking in a hushed voice.

"On the vids everyone says you're the Sole Survivor of Akuze," he looked up at her and there was no gleam in his eyes. They were haunted, dull, devoid of any life. "Who am I to deny them that?"

Nick's eyes widened in sudden dread and she shook her head vehemently. "No, Toombs, don't ... "

She lunged at the corporal, but it was too late. In a swift movement he put the muzzle of his pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

A/N: Reviews are always welcome! Thank you! *hint, hint*