A/N: I want to thank Vorcha Girl, Jules Hawk, ela11 and tlcinbflo for your reviews on the last chapter. Hearing from you always makes my day! And of course my special thanks goes to Vorcha Girl for being my awesome Beta and putting up with all my rambling!

As always, Bioware owns Mass Effect!

Chapter 20. Port Hanshan

After they returned to the Normandy Shepard marched to the weapons bench and began dismantling her equipment without saying a word. She remained just as silent while she stripped out of her armor. Kaidan and Garrus shared a glance, both keeping just as silent as the Commander. Kaidan found it quite obvious that Shepard did not wish to talk to anybody just now and apparently Garrus agreed. It became even more evident when she wordlessly headed to the elevator, not heeding anybody present.

As soon as the elevator door closed, Ashley came over to Kaidan and Garrus.

"What the hell is wrong with the Skipper?" she asked in a low voice.

"The mission went kind of FUBAR at the end," Kaidan told her just as quietly. "Short version: Shepard just found out that she wasn't the only survivor of Akuze, and that her team mate has been imprisoned the last few years by Cerberus and used as a human guinea pig. To top it off she just had to watch as he shot himself."

"Fuck," Ashley whispered. Both Kaidan and Garrus nodded.

Fuck indeed, Kaidan thought.

About an hour later, after Kaidan had showered, written his mission report and grabbed a bite to eat, he headed down to engineering. He had been working on a hacking program with Tali the past week and now he had an idea how to deal with a glitch they had run into.

When he stepped out of the elevator his mind was instantly taken off of the hacking program. At the far end of the cargo hold he could see Shepard trying to beat the crap out of the punching bag. Her hair that was usually done neatly in a regulation bun during the day was now a loose mess. She was hitting the bag with an alarming force.

Kaidan registered that everyone was keeping as much distance to Shepard as possible. He walked over to Ashley, Garrus and Wrex, who were all standing close to the elevator.

"How long has she been doing that?" Kaidan inquired.

"Almost an hour," Ashley answered. "And I don't think she's slowed down or that her punches have gotten any weaker since she started pummeling that thing." She looked at him sharply as he turned around. "LT? What are you up to? You're not going to go talk to her, are you?"

Kaidan shrugged, but didn't answer. He walked over to the makeshift gym they had set up and watch her for a moment yet.

"Are you all right, Commander?" he asked and could have kicked himself the moment the words left his mouth. Nick kicked the punching bag with a mawashi-geri and then spun round to face him, eyes blazing.

"I just found out a friend whom I'd thought to be dead was alive yet but had been tortured the past five years and then I had to watch him shoot himself in front of my eyes. How the goddamn fuck do you think I feel, Alenko?" She gave the bag another vicious kick, followed by a quick succession of punches. "I." Punch! "Am." Punch! "Doing." Punch! "Bloody brilliant!" She nearly shouted the last words at him as she came to stand in front of him, breathing hard.

"Yes, ma'am," he answered with a short nod. He turned around and walked towards engineering, cursing himself. Great, Alenko, couldn't keep your trap shut, could you?

She was walking back to the hotel with several other Alliance soldiers. All slightly intoxicated and leaning on each other, singing some songs back from the twentieth century at the top of their lings. The sound of an assault rifle grabbed their attention but it took them longer than she remembered to react. All of a sudden she was surrounded by batarians and mercenaries trying to rip her clothes off.

No. This didn't happen.

She glanced down only to see she had the body of a young teenaged girl. Then the head of the merc leader exploded and sprayed her with blood, bits of brain and bone. The other mercenaries scattered and she felt the ground shaking.

No. Not again.

The mercs turned into her old unit and they all scrambled in various directions when an enormous thresher maw burst out of the ground. It was dark and they stumbled over their sleeping bags in order to get to their weapons and into their armor. The first attack of the maw killed six of her team mates instantly. They fought back as good as they could, but there wasn't enough cover for all. And every wound they dealt seem to make the maw even deadlier.

The air was heavy with the coppery smell of blood and the sweetish stench of rotting flesh as the maw acid disintegrated flesh and bones, melting them away. She heard the screams of pain fading away to whimpers but all she could do was run. Run away and fight from a distance. She clambered into the Grizzly, praying it would start. It didn't. She remembered the fear threatening to freeze her and she grabbed a grenade launcher and scuttled back outside using the vehicle as cover. She saw Corporal Toombs being pulled underground.

No. Enough.

She was in a holding cell that smelled strongly of antiseptics, strapped to a bed, wearing nothing but a hospital gown. A scientist wearing the Cerberus logo appeared in her view tapping his finger against a syringe filled with an unknown substance. She felt a scream build up in her throat as she felt the needle penetrate her skin and her blood burning like acid in her veins.

NO!

Nick woke up thrashing. It took her a moment to register that she was in her cabin, not in a holding cell. There were no Cerberus doctors experimenting on her. She was not Toombs and hadn't lived in a nightmare for five years. She hadn't been the one in the holding cell or the one the mercenaries on Elysium had attempted to rape.

Memories of the evening after returning from Ontarom swept over her. The tension she had felt, the need to punch something. How everyone had given her a wide berth. Everyone except Kaidan. She remembered Kaidan asking her if she was all right and how she had bitten his head off because of that one question. She had watched him walk away and felt annoyed. Mostly at herself. She knew he just wanted to help and she had seen in his expression that he wanted to take the question back and rephrase it the moment it left his mouth. She had groaned and given the punching bag another hit, making it sway dangerously. She had been done with the day. Now, she was fairly certain her night was done as well.

Screw it.

She pulled on her N7 sweats and had stepped into the mess when she heard a sound from the galley. Given the time there weren't that many people who would fix something to eat now. Her stomach turned into a big knot. What if he was upset about her reacting so poorly earlier?

"Shepard," Kaidan said in a low voice. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Leave it to her lieutenant to jump to the correct conclusion right away. She nodded. Tonight, she decided, tonight I will tell him about the Blitz to start off with. She watched him put a sachet of tea into her mug and fill it up with hot water. Always the medic.

"I've been dreaming about Elysium, mostly. I had been there four days when the attack came. I was on shore leave, you know." She glanced at him again and saw him nod. "The attack came in the early hours, when the whole colony was sleepy. I was on the way back to the hotel from a bar when I heard the sound of rifle fire. There were plenty of Alliance soldiers on leave and before that I never realized just how deep the reflexes we learned in boot camp were. Most of us weren't sober anymore, but the moment we heard the gunfire we started ordering the civilians to get to their homes and to get their families into safety. Those that were old enough helped with the defense."

"But, there were just too many pirates and batarians. They must have thrown almost everything at that colony. And somewhere along the line they managed to break through. We had been holding almost a day when they breached the defenses. Then things started getting nasty," she drew a shivering breath.

Why was she telling Kaidan this? Because you can, that's why.

"Suddenly, they were everywhere and the batarians started grabbing people for their slavers; men, women, children. Then this guy turned up, bringing weapons and ammo. He had an old sniper rifle and I remember yelling at him to give me the damn thing and he said, 'Girl, leave it to the pros' and I shoved my dog tags in his face and told him I was a fucking pro. Never mind that I was just a Service Chief at the time. He gave me the bloody rifle and I started picking my targets. First I chose a group of half a dozen mercs that wanted to rape this young girl who was, I don't know, maybe thirteen? A perfect head shot killed the first merc to pull down his pants. The others scattered, but I got them all. Every. Single. One. The girl ran away. She must have been terrified. And being covered in brains isn't exactly pleasant either, but better than the alternative."

Her voice was flat and emotionless as she told him the details she remembered. She closed her eyes. When she opened them again he could see tears shining in them. Her voice cracked, "Then this little boy … this boy came running down the road. He set off a proximity mine. It … tore him to shreds."

She wiped away the tears quickly and resumed, "I was lucky. I had high ground, ample cover and a good view. Most importantly, they couldn't flank me and they had to pass my position. Perfect sniping conditions. If that hadn't been the case I don't think I'd be here now. While I held the breach some civilians saw to it that there were enough supplies. I didn't leave that spot for eighteen hours. Eighteen hours, Kaidan. I'm not sure when the SSV Agincourt arrived, but it took the Alliance almost a day to get enough boots on the ground to repel the ground assault. By then I hadn't slept in nearly three days. I was so tired, so very tired."

She fell silent, taking another swallow of tea. "Sorry Kaidan, I didn't want to lay that all on you. And I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. You didn't deserve that."

Kaidan's answer was soft, "You don't have to apologize. It was a stupid question. Have you been dreaming about Elysium a lot lately?"

"Yes. Every night since shooting Haliat. You know, I wish I hadn't. I wish I had left him laying there on that barren planet screaming for water in agony while dying a slow, painful death. But that's not me, so I shot him." She looked straight at him and he saw how haunted her gaze was.

"It was the right call. I'm sure of it," Kaidan told her firmly. He wished he could hold her, comfort her.

"In my head I know it was, Kaidan. But in my heart?" She shook her head slowly. "And when the dreams mingle, when I dream of Elysium and Akuze and Eden Prime and now … now about a former team mate being tortured for years by Cerberus – those are the nights I can't go back to sleep."

"Like tonight?" His voice was low and sent shivers down her spine.

She glanced down at her bare feet, suddenly wondering what he thought of her purple nail polish. Where had that thought come from?

She cleared her throat. "Yeah. Like tonight."

Kaidan looked at her intently. "It's almost 0400. Not much sense in going back to sleep now. If you want I'll keep you company."

"I'd like that a lot."

What the hell are you doing, Shepard?

The next few weeks were busy. Shepard had decided they look into some of the data they had found on Feros, leading them into the Maroon Sea and to more encounters with Thorian Creepers at ExoGeni research facilities on Nodacrux and husks on Chasca.

Kaidan wasn't sure which one had been worse. Probably Nodacrux. Not because of the Creepers but because of the ExoGeni scientists trying to bribe Shepard. Naturally, she hadn't accepted. She had listened and then smiled a sticky-sweet smile that Kaidan had come to recognize as a sign of warning. It was a smile you never wanted to see directed at you as it meant she was close to stuffing a grenade in your face. Of course Dr. Ross, the leading ExoGeni scientist at the facility, didn't know that. The doctor had almost lost it when Shepard smiled and said, "I can't do that." and ordered to attack them. Stupid. Garrus, Shepard and he hadn't had much trouble against them.

Then again, Chasca had been full of husks. The thought alone made Kaidan's skin crawl. He remembered commenting that he had a bad feeling about the lack of people as they approached the first civilian structure. Upon entering the building they were swarmed by husks. Kaidan had been more than happy that Wrex had been part of the shore party and that he hadn't been the only biotic. In the end their findings at the science facility had only confirmed what they had feared after the encounter with the husks – that the whole colony had been transformed.

Now they were almost at Noveria, and Joker had let them know that their estimated ETA was less than an hour.

Noveria.

All Kaidan knew about Noveria was that it was cold and that it was a corporate research colony outside of Citadel Space. The research done there was usually considered too dangerous or controversial to be done anywhere else. The question was what interest the geth could possibly have in the corporate research colony.

He glanced over at the mess table where Shepard was sitting hunched over heap of data pads, the tray standing next to her only insignificantly depleted. He cast a careful look around the room and found it mostly empty. They had been flirting more and more whenever there was a chance. It was … he wasn't exactly sure what it was. He walked over to the table.

"Are you going to eat that yet?" he asked, jutting his chin towards the tray. Nick just pushed the tray towards him. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Now you've almost got me worried, Commander. Maybe I should inform the doctor that you aren't feeling well."

This earned a glare. "Alenko."

Completely unfazed he continued, "If Commander 'Touch-My-Food-And-I-Will-End-You-Painfully' Shepard willingly gives up something to eat she must be sick."

"Maybe I just want to make sure that my lieutenant doesn't suddenly have a weak spell," she shot back with a twinkle in her eye.

"That would be tragic indeed." He grinned at her. At the sound of steps drawing near he dropped the teasing. Instead he snapped a finger against the data pad in her hand. "Take a break from those things, Shepard. Eat. If I'm not mistaken we should reach Noveria soon."

Then he stepped away and went to his workstation in the helm, feeling her eyes on him as he rounded the corner. He was certain that he would catch her watching him if he looked back. A slow grin spread on his face.

Half an hour later Shepard, Ashley and Garrus joined him and Joker as they watched the approach on Noveria.

"Approach Control, this is SSV Normandy. Requesting a vector and a berth," Joker radioed the Traffic Control Center.

"SSV Normandy, your arrival is not scheduled. Our defense grid is armed and tracking you. State your business."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow and noticed Shepard lean forward a bit, pursing her mouth ever so slightly.

Ashley muttered an audible, "What the hell?"

Joker glanced at Shepard and she nodded.

"Citadel business. We've got a Council Spectre aboard." Given the grin on Joker's face Kaidan would have bet a large amount of credits that the snarky pilot had been waiting to be able to say that.

There was a short silence from the other end. Finally an irate voice answered, "Landing access granted. Be advised: we will be confirming your identification upon arrival. If confirmation cannot be established your vessel will be impounded!"

"What a fun bunch!" Joker commented sarcastically. "I think I'll spend my next shore leave here."

Shepard shook her head and grinned, patting the pilot on his shoulder as she turned away. She indicated Kaidan and Garrus to come with her and headed down to the cargo hold to suit up.

A short while later they found themselves in Port Hanshan, confronted by the local security chief, Maeko Matsuo, and several of her people.

"We're not here to cause trouble, but I am on important business," Shepard stated firmly.

The security chief seem unimpressed. "This is an unscheduled arrival. We will need your credentials."

Nick raised her eyebrows slighlty. "I am Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy. And a Spectre."

"Load of horsecrap, ma'am," the woman to Maeko's left spoke up. "And the next Navy vessel isn't due for two weeks."

"I can't let you enter the port area without confirmation of your identity. Also, I must advise you that firearms are not permitted on Noveria," Matsuo said and then turned to the blonde woman. "Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons!"

Shepard had her weapon drawn in the blink of an eye and Kaidan and Garrus followed shortly behind. Kaidan was fairly certain that Shepard would have complied to Matsuo much easier if it weren't for her sergeant. Something bothered him about that woman, but he couldn't put a finger on what it was. And judging from Shepard's reaction to the sergeant she felt the same. Garrus, he noted, also had his weapon trained on Stirling rather than on Matsuo.

"I am a Spectre," Shepard said slowly, stressing every word. "I have a mission to accomplish here and I will not hand over my weapons!"

"We are allowed to use lethal force. You have until the count of three," Matsuo retorted with a hard voice.

"Citadel jurisdiction supersedes yours," Garrus said.

Kaidan hoped the turian was right. He couldn't help but think the sergeant didn't care. She had a look in her eye that reminded him of Vyrnnus. Arrogant, used to bullying people and absolutely ruthless.

"One … two … thr ..."

"Captain Matsuo, stand down! We've confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here!" A voice boomed through loudspeakers.

Nick relaxed and holstered her firearm, as did everybody else.

"You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your stay is less confrontational. Parasini-san will meet you upstairs," Matsuo said before letting them pass.

They headed through an open door and up a flight of steps, only to trigger some kind of alarm at the top of the stairway. A woman greeted them, explaining the cameras were weapon detectors and they needn't worry about them. Then she introduced herself as Gianna Parasini, assistant to Administrator Anoleis, and apologized for the incident in the docking bay.

Shepard couldn't resist a biting remark, but wiped her own comment aside with a swipe of her hand. She asked a few questions concerning the port and any unusual activity. Neither of them could hide their surprise when they heard Lady Benezia had passed through only a few days prior.

"I need to speak to her," Shepard stated.

"Benezia left for the Peak 15 research complex days ago," Parasini replied. "To my knowledge she is still there."

"Then that's where I have to be. How do I get there?" Shepard inquired.

They learned that it required clearance from the administrator to leave the port. Nick let out a small sigh of frustration and asked where to find Anoleis.

"Commander, maybe we should let Liara know Benezia is here. It is her mother, after all," Kaidan said to her quietly as they walked towards the elevator.

Nick nodded her head. "Yes, we should. But first we figure out how to get away from this place. When we've done that then I'll talk to Liara."

The Administrator turned out to be an unpleasant, arrogant salarian. Kaidan couldn't help but admire Shepard for her calm as she dealt with Anoleis. He felt the same … uneasiness … that had surged through him while encountering Sergeant Stirling. But, they didn't get the clearance they needed. Shepard was clenching her fists as they left the Administrator's office, he noted.

As they passed Parasini's desk she called out to them in a quiet, but urgent, voice. After a quick look over her shoulder she told them to meet with Lorik Qui'in, the manager of Synthetic Insights. And, more importantly, another option in order to gain the garage pass needed to leave the port. Parasini hinted they would more than likely find the turian businessman at the bar of the Port Hanshan Hotel.

"Where else to find a businessman than at the bar at midday?" Shepard commented quietly as they made their way through Port Hanshan, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

Of course Lorik Qui'in asked Shepard to do a favor. Apparently he had proof Anoleis was corrupt, but the Adminstrator had found out and in turn was accusing Qui'in. Now he wanted them to go to his office at Synthetic Insights and acquire the incriminating data about Anoleis from his terminal.

"As soon as we've finished this we're heading to the bar ourselves," Shepard told Kaidan and Garrus as they walked back to the elevator. "This place calls for a stiff drink."

A while later Kaidan found himself sitting in the lounge of the Port Hanshan Hotel with Shepard. Alone. She had sent Garrus back to the Normandy after buying him a drink. Garrus looked a little disappointed, but accepted her explanation that she wanted as many biotics as possible when going up against Asari Commandos.

"And," she added, "Kaidan is right. Liara should be there when we confront her mother. I don't know if it will change the outcome, but she is our trump card."

After Garrus left she opened her omni-tool and called Liara, asking the asari to come meet them.

"I feel kind of bad calling Liara our trump card," she admitted after she disconnected the call. "But, let's face it, at the moment that's what she is. I know for sure if my mom went rogue and I was with the people ordered to bring her in, I'd want to be there when it happens. Even if it's just a chance to talk to her one last time."

"It's the right thing to do, Commander," Kaidan answered.

Nick scowled at him. "Alenko, I swear to fucking God, if you don't stop calling me Commander when we are alone I will punch you. There is nobody from the ship here right now. What's supposed to happen? Loosen up, Kaidan."

He looked at her intently, not quite sure what to say; he whispered her name. Her eyes widen in response and he watched as her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. This was slowly becoming torture.

Come on, Alenko, say something! Shepard just said it, you're alone with her right now. Just … say something, anything!

"Uh." He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced to the side before looking back at Nick, only to see her leaning forward expectantly. Shit. He felt completely tongue-tied. "Where did you learn to drive the Mako? I … I mean, you grew up as a spacer. I … damn it." Pathetic, Alenko! You better hope Ash and Joker never find out or you'll never hear the end of it.

"Really, Kaidan?" Nick laughed quietly. She had had her glass raised to her lips, but now she lowered it again to grin at him. "But to answer your question, I learned to drive it in Basic. Why, did you learn it somewhere else?" She lifted her glass to her mouth again, never taking her eyes off him.

"No! I guess I meant, did you have a driver's license for another vehicle before already? Just … forget I asked, Shepard." He felt like sinking into the ground. Where else was she supposed to have learned to drive the Mako? He felt himself blushing. How could it be that he had little trouble flirting with her on the Normandy, but couldn't think of anything intelligent to say now? "I don't think I've ever met a woman like you, Shepard. You turn me into a bumbling idiot."

"It's cute."

"Cute? Ow, I think that hurts my manly pride." He gave her his typical lop-sided smirk. "No, seriously Shepard, I hope we'll get through this soon. I'm ready for some shore leave."

Nick leaned back, crossing her arms in front of her body. "Shore leave, huh? Just know I'll be tracking it very closely, Mister."

"And I thought maybe our shore leave could be joint."

God, did he really just say that? He saw a flicker of surprise light up Shepard's face, only to be replaced by a wide smile, bright as a thousand suns.

"I like the sound of that," she whispered after a short moment.

He was just about to respond when he saw Liara walking into the bar, looking around in search of them. "Shepard," he said simply, tilting his head towards the door. Nick glanced over her shoulder and gave him an almost apologetic smile.

"We'll … continue this later," she murmured, her eyes shining.

Yes, he thought, I'd like that.

A/N: Reviews are welcome! ;)