A/N: As always thank you to those that reviewed the last chapter: tlcinbflo, ela11, Jules Hawk, Kirabaros, jediserenity82 and Vorcha Girl. And thank you Vorcha Girl for looking over things for me! Also welcome to any new followers, in case I haven't said that yet.

I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say, but ... enjoy!

Chapter 35. Alchera

It was quiet when Kaidan went down to the cargo hold looking for the requisition officer to get his new rank insignia. A grin fleeted over his face, recalling Nick's whispered "Good morning, Lieutenant Commander" against his lips only half an hour earlier. There was still some time before he was on duty and he had to update his uniforms, but it was likely he would have to wait a few minutes. The elevator opened to an only dimly lit cargo bay, but Ashley was already at her station, taking care of Normandy's armory. She turned around at the sound of the elevator doors opening. A grin spread on her face.

"You're up early, LT. Did you get a good night's rest?"

Kaidan walked over, leaned against the bench and crossed his arms in front of him, perfectly aware that she was hinting that she'd seen his empty sleeper pod. "Can't complain, Chief," he replied. "I'm just waiting for Collins to get here. I need some things."

"Oh?" Ashley gave him a quizzical look. With a light smirk Kaidan opened his omni'tool and showed her the notification of his promotion.

"Holy shit! Congrats, Kaidan!" she exclaimed loudly and slapped his shoulder hard. "Wow!" She paused before continuing, "You do know they'll probably transfer you?"

Kaidan laughed. "That's exactly what Shepard said." He looked back over his shoulder upon hearing the elevator.

"Did she now?" Ashley's question pulled his attention back to their conversation. She grinned widely. "When did she tell you that?"

"Last night," Kaidan answered casually.

"So?" Ashley drawled. "And what did you do last night?"

Kaidan shook his head. "None of your business, Ash," he retorted with a smile as he turned away, ready to go to the requisition officer.

The chief scoffed at him but her reply was silenced as the Normandy rocked from a sudden impact. Kaidan spun around, his gaze sweeping the entire cargo hold. The ship lurched again, almost knocking him to the floor.

Were they under attack?

Emergency sirens began to blare, signaling for the crew to get to the escape pods. Nobody moved; everybody seemed frozen with disbelief as the smell of burning circuits filled the air as they caught fire. Kaidan finally gained control over his limbs again as adrenaline poured through his veins.

"Everyone to the escape pods!" he barked urgently, running to his locker. Around him the crew that had arrived only moments before to fulfill their duties began to scuttle for safety. He pulled on his armor in lightning speed, aware of Ashley doing the same next to him. She tapped his shoulder as he pulled on his helmet and Kaidan stood still while Ashley ran her hands along the seams of his armor swiftly, checking each closure. He quickly returned the favor.

"Ash, I need you to make sure the people get out of engineering. And don't forget to get out of there before things get too hot," Kaidan took a deep breath. "I'm going to check in with Shepard."

The chief nodded and together they sped towards the elevator; Ashley passing it and heading to engineering, while Kaidan took the elevator up to the crew deck, praying he wouldn't get stuck on the obnoxiously slow lift, and cursing the designers of the Normandy again for the lack of stairs. Too late did he remember the maintenance shaft, but considering the fires that had broken out everywhere being caught in a narrow metal tube didn't sound promising either.

The doors finally opened to a haze of smoke and flickering lights. Kaidan swore under his breath and tore out of the elevator and up the steps to the CIC, sure he would find Shepard in the helm. He paused to help a crewmate stand up and ushered them towards the escape pods before rushing on. To his surprise Joker was alone in the helm, and after a short, urgent conversation Kaidan turned away again.

Shortly afterward he thundered down the steps back onto the crew deck, searching the dim mess with his eyes as he passed through it.

A movement at the far end of the room passed the sleeper pods caught his attention. Through the billowing smoke he saw the figure of the woman he had been looking for. Relief spread through him that she wasn't lying somewhere, knocked unconscious by a fallen beam, or worse.

Kaidan coughed as the acrid smoke burned in his lungs and he pulled on his helmet as he closed the distance between them.

"Shepard!" He didn't bother hiding the relief in his voice that he had found her. "Do you think the Alliance will get here in time?"

"They damn well better! They sent us here, after all." Shepard sounded grim as she tossed him a fire extinguisher. "Anyway, the distress beacon is ready. All we can do now is hope and wait. Get the crew to the escape pods!" Another blast shook the Normandy, sending them stumbling into each other.

"Joker's still in the helm, he won't abandon ship" he told her, not wanting to let go. Fear seized him again. "And I'm not leaving either."

Their eyes met. "Kaidan, I need you to make sure the crew gets to the fucking EVAC shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." There was a hint of exasperation in her voice. "Now, goddammit!"

Kaidan hesitated. Her eyes narrowed behind her helmet, and he nodded before turning away to follow her order. Cold dread settled in his stomach, turning his innards to ice as he left to aid the crew. He couldn't shake the feeling that he should stay with her; that something bad was going to happen.

He rallied the crew, urging them onward, helping those that stumbled. Kaidan glanced around as he stood in front of one of the last escape pods, gazing intently through the smoke obscuring his vision while his thoughts kept slipping back to Shepard.

There is nobody else coming.

Another impact shook the Normandy, and he knew he couldn't wait any longer. All he could do was hope that Nick convinced Joker to get out, and that the EVAC shuttle by the helm wasn't damaged.

No. They'll be fine.

He sat down, and hit the escape button as he pulled the safety harnish down; the escape pod lurched as it was propelled into space, and his hands curled around the bars of the harnish while his heart labored in his throat.

This felt terribly wrong.

Kaidan sat in the shuttle to Earth staring sightlessly ahead, numb, unable to keep his mind on the present as he relieved those fateful final moments on the Normandy over and over. He swallowed hard; the past few days had passed in a haze of feelings that he'd kept bottled up inside of him, unable to believe that the Normandy had been destroyed.

What if I hadn't hesitated and I'd just followed her order? Would she have had enough time to get into the escape pod? Was it my fault she died?

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. It was tempting to blame Joker, but he knew that the pilot had done what every pilot in the fleet would have done; he had tried to get them all to safety and to save the ship. So who else was there to blame other than himself?

The unknown assailant.

Kaidan's head jerked up and he sucked in a breath. As soon as they had crashed on Alchera he had helped Dr. Chakwas with the wounded, set up the distress beacon and had headed to the location of the last escape pod as soon as soon as the coordinates came in. The memory of the hatch opening and only seeing Joker inside, his face wet with tears, made his blood run cold.

The Normandy's helmsman had choked out the words, "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'm so sorry" more than once, but Kaidan hadn't been able to answer. He had turned away, leaving the doctor with Joker as he went back to the crash site; completely numb.

He functioned fully on autopilot after that, as if somebody else were in control of his body - talking to the surviving crew, comforting them, coordinating duties for those that were ready and able until the doctor had ordered him to catch some shut-eye. He refused until he could barely stay on his feet anymore, afraid to relive the past hours in his dreams.

Kaidan clenched his fist and let his forehead rest against the cold metal of the shuttle, closing his eyes as they filled with tears. He had to keep it together until he was not in public anymore. He was an Alliance marine who had just lost his commanding officer in a raid. That was it. He had known he could lose her in combat anytime and now he had to keep his true emotions under lock and key.

As the shuttle approached the docks he gripped his duffel bag tightly and let out a shaky breath, trying not to think of the last time he had stepped of a shuttle in Vancouver only a few weeks earlier holding hands with the most amazing woman in the universe. The shuttle set down, the hatch opened and an icy realization swept over Kaidan as he stepped out into the rain.

He would never hold her hand again, never kiss her again, never make love to her again.

Nick was gone.

Kaidan dragged in a shaky breath and walked slowly towards the skycar lot, debating whether he should get a rental or take a cab. The third possibility of course was calling someone to pick him up, but he wanted to put off explaining why he was on Earth again as long as possible. And he didn't really feel like driving, so that left the cab.

His voice sounded hoarse and monotonous as he told the taxi driver his destination. The cab driver gave him a shrewd look.

"Mission go FUBAR, Commander?"

A vet.

Of course, of all taxis available, he had to get into one whose driver was a veteran. Kaidan nodded before adding quietly, "You could say that."

He fell silent again and rested his head against the window, looking forlorn at the passing scenery. Familiar landmarks passed before him, but he didn't see any of them; he was staring into nothing.

The ride was blessedly uneventful and quiet. Luckily the driver didn't force any conversation, not even small talk, even though Kaidan could feel his eyes on him frequently. It wasn't until the cab pulled up in front of his parent's house that the cab driver turned around to face him again. Kaidan opened his omnitool, ready to transfer the needed credits, when the driver waved him off.

"No, this ride's on the house," he let him know. "I don't know how you feel about an old vet giving you advice, but," the driver hesitated, "I guess your mission went completely sideways, maybe even involving the loss of a comrade. Commander, talk to someone about it. Someone you trust."

Kaidan stared at the other man, knitting his brows. "How did you - ?"

"How did I hit so near the mark? I've been a cab driver for more than ten years now and I've had a lot of customers, soldiers and civilians, happy and grieving. Not to mention that I served for almost ten years myself. But grief - it's always the same empty, haunted look. The same clenched jaw and the same desperate attempt to keep the voice from cracking when you speak," the cab driver sighed. He looked firmly into Kaidan's eyes. "Talk to somebody, Commander."

Kaidan nodded slowly, gathered his bag, and got out of the cab, thanking the driver. The answer was lost to him as he willed his feet to walk him to the front door. His family would be more than surprised to see him again so soon, and he steeled himself against any questions as he opened the door and walked in.

Maybe he should've gone to the Visiting Officer's Quarters instead.

The murmur of several voices reached his ears from the dining room. Obviously his parents had company over for dinner. It wasn't until Kaidan heard his sister talking to his niece that he remembered it was Saturday evening, and that most likely the family had gotten together for dinner.

He quietly closed the door and just listened to the swell of voices, when the kitchen door opened and his mother stepped out, carrying a terrine. She nearly dropped the earthenware dish when she saw him.

"Kaidan! What are you doing here?"

The voices in the dining room subsided, and he heard chairs being pushed back. Almost immediately the door opened and his dad stood in front of him. Kaidan met his father's inquisitive gaze steadily as the older man gave him a once-over.

"Honey?" his mother asked, stepping closer.

Kaidan finally spoke. "Haven't you heard?" he replied, sounding thoroughly exhausted.

"We just got back from the cabin this afternoon," his dad explained. "So we're a little out of the loop."

"Just … turn on the news." Kaidan grabbed his duffel bag and headed up the stairs. "I'm going to square away my stuff."

He stepped into his old room looking out over the backyard and dropped his bag next to his desk. Rubbing the back of his neck he stared out of the window toward the North Shore Mountains looming in the distance. Tension had built up in his neck and shoulders, and Kaidan knew there was a migraine in the making.

But he couldn't relax.

If he relaxed he would break down, he was certain of that.

The past few days he had clung to his duties as marine detail commander of the Normandy, and as highest ranking officer that had survived the crash. He was - or had been - responsible for Normandy's crew until the Head Physician on the Emden had certified the entire crew unfit for duty and highly recommended counseling.

That was why he was here, in Vancouver, and not on Arcturus as he had expected, waiting for new orders. No, Monday morning at 0745 he had to report to a psychiatrist at HQ.

It started to snow as he looked outside, and unknowingly he curled his hand to a fist as he pushed aside thoughts of the snow he had seen less than two weeks earlier laying in bed with Nick.

Don't go there, Alenko.

Tears stung in his eyes and he blinked them away rapidly as an angry voice called him.

"Kaidan Matthew!"

Kaidan groaned. "Here it comes." He quickly wiped away a tear and headed downstairs, steeling himself for an argument. He stepped into the living room, coming face to face with his father, who pointed at the vid screen. Kaidan swallowed. It showed a picture of Nick and him, oblivious of their surroundings, smiling at each other over some drinks.

When had that picture been taken?

"Are you completely out of your mind, boy?" his father thundered. "Fraternizing with your commanding officer?"

Kaidan turned to face his father, crossing his arms in front of him as irritation flooded through him. "It's not like we planned for it to happen, dad."

"How long?" Adam Alenko snapped. "How long have you two been - ?" He waved his hand dismissively towards the screen.

"If you're afraid we did anything to compromise the mission, you can relax again." Kaidan's voice was icy. "We waited until our mission was complete." Almost anyway.

"What about your career? Are you willing to sacrifice that all just because a nice pair of eyes caught your attention?"

Kaidan froze. He couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"This wasn't just a fling, dad. Am I not allowed to be happy, or what?" Annoyance crept into his voice. "Or maybe you don't think people can look past this." His biotics flared around him, cracking in the air, and he took a deep breath, struggling to reign his temper back in. "Don't you think we were aware of what we were doing? That we didn't talk about it? That we didn't consider all possibilities?" Kaidan glared at his father, holding his gaze defiantly, his eyes still swirling in biotic blue. "And not a word of congratulations on making Lieutenant Commander? Well, thank you very much." The older man blinked and Kaidan turned his gaze back to the picture. It was a good picture; Shepard looked beautiful. He walked slowly towards it, scanning the picture.

"Noveria," he murmured as recognition set in. With his luck he'd be asked about this by the Alliance psychiatrist he was scheduled to meet. "This was taken on Noveria, just before we set off to take down Matriarch Benezia."

"You mean you were on duty when this was taken? You do know that the brass will ask you about it?" his dad gestured at the screen.

"She. Is. Dead, dad," Kaidan ground out, dark energy rippling along his arms. "The woman I love is dead. Spaced. She either suffocated floating through space, or she burned upon entering the atmosphere over Alchera." His breathed hard, not wanting to think of the different ways she possibly died. He squeezed the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

I'm sorry I never told you I love you, Nick.

He had known his dad wouldn't be happy with their relationship; as supportive as Adam Alenko was, once he had accepted that Kaidan was set on joining the Alliance he wanted him to have the best career he could, and breaking fraternization regs was a danger to that. It ached though. He felt bitter and disappointed that his parents had so little faith in him.

"I shouldn't have bothered coming here," Kaidan went on wearily. He didn't want to argue about Nick, he wanted to be alone so he could finally start grieving. "I'll grab my stuff and stay at the visiting officer's quarters at HQ instead." Without another word he left the room, opening his omni'tool on the way, and called a taxi, ignoring the protests behind him.

A short time later he sat on the front porch, his duffel bag perched on the seat next to him. He could hear his parents argue. Kaidan smiled briefly to himself. His mom was getting into her stride.

"Kai?" His sister Erin said his name softly as she stepped out onto the porch. "Mind if I join you?"

He turned his head a fraction to the side, nodded once, and returned to staring down the street, waiting for the taxi to pick him up. "Go ahead."

"Kai-bear," his sister said, using her old pet name for him. She hadn't called him that since … since he came back from BAaT. "You know Dad didn't mean it like that. He's just worried, that's all. You should stay." He shook his head. Erin paused, obviously trying to word her next sentence properly. In the end she settled for the direct approach. "So Nick was the famous Commander Shepard."

He took a deep breath. "Yes."

Erin stepped closer, gently laying her hand on his shoulder and he could smell the hint of rose that she always wore. "Did you love her?"

"Yes. I loved her." Kaidan's answer was no more than a whisper, his voice failing him, cracking as he spoke. His sister didn't say anything, she just wrapped her arms around him, holding him as the first sob shook him.

A/N: I'm not good at writing angst, so I hope this was okay. Reviews are welcome! :)