Chapter 83: The Weirdness Plague

So I figured the only way to knock it over was probably to roll into it. As Baby Luma hopped back under my cap, I walked up to the wall. Then I rolled into a ball and slammed into it. The wall tipped back slightly, squeaking on the hinges Baby Luma had pointed out, and then tipped over. It crashed into place and, sure enough, formed a link between the Starting Planet and the ramp planetoid. Ohhh…I probably had to roll up the ramp in my rock form, and it would launch me to the next planet.

But right in front of the ramp were six bowling pin-shaped creatures with red, squiggly mouths and some sort of blue antenna things on top of them.

Wait, so my rock form was supposed to function like a bowling ball and knock them over?

This reeked of a Mario Party minigame.

I sighed, just hoping I didn't end up crashing nose-first into something hard when I landed on the next planet, and rolled into a ball. I have no idea how many pins I knocked over; all I know is I felt myself hit at least one of them. But then I sailed up the ramp, tumbling end-over-end through the air, and landed on the next planet.

And proceeded to smash nose-first into a stony platform almost as soon as I landed.

"OWWW!" I screamed, flopping on my back and clutching at my nose. But that only made things worse, because as soon as my hand touched my nose, something in my face crunched. And then I felt that same something dislodge from the top of my nose and fall down through my face like a pachinko ball. Which, in and of itself, didn't hurt as much as it just felt wrong and severely shudder-inducing.

And when I looked up, I saw that waiting for me on the planet was a checkpoint flag, and then Puketoombas, Boulders, and a horde of Octoguys guarding a cage with a Launch Star in it. And good, there was a Rock Mushroom refill on the far side of the planet.

In lieu of that knowledge, I snagged the checkpoint flag and then threw myself off the planet. No way was I suffering through this nonsense while also dealing with part of my nose bouncing around above the roof of my mouth.

TOO BAD!

I respawned at the start of the second planet, without my Rock Mushroom powers but with a fully healed nose. And…wait a second.

Puketoombas, Octoguys, and Boulders…I could take all of them out without even needing the Rock Mushroom. And I assumed that once I defeated (sigh) allll of them, the cage around the Launch Star would disappear.

Long story short, I was right. I came out of the melee with two wedges of health left, although technically I'd lost, like, half a dozen wedges of health thanks to the Octoguys repeatedly ganging up on me. But fortunately there were enough of them that jumping on them and turning them into coins replenished most of the health wedges I lost. And once the last enemies were defeated, the cage vanished and I got in the Launch Star to continue.

The next planet was spherical, with numerous large rocky spikes, Boulders, and Puketoombas. Waiting for me next to where I landed was a Luma. "If you need health, shoot a Star Bit at one of those shiny spots on the ground," he said. "A coin will pop out that will restore some of your life!"

"Uh, thanks?" I said. Still have no idea how I'm supposed to "shoot a Star Bit," but whatever.

But as I started to walk away, the Luma called after me. "Hey, Mario. Is…are you alright?"

I turned around. "Yeeees…?"

The Luma wrung his appendages. "No, it's nothing. I just…thought I sensed something. But I didn't. Go on. Don't worry about it."

Was there, like, a Weirdness Plague going around among Lumas that I didn't know about or something? Seriously, between Baby Luma's mood swings and now this…. Who knows, maybe Lubba was patient zero and that's what was causing all his insanity.

Wait…but if there was a Weirdness Plague going around and Lubba was patient zero, had I been exposed to it too? Was I contaminated?

Snap out of it, Mario. If you were contaminated, you'd be acting weird by now too, which you're not. So clearly this plague isn't transmissible from Lumas to humans.

But when we got back to Starship Mario, I'd have to have Percy check out Baby Luma, since he was the closest thing we had to a doctor. He'd treated Baby Luma for that Spiky Spikepecker-induced stab wound without succumbing to any murderous urges; hopefully he could do it again.

I jumped on a couple nearby Puketoombas, ignoring a Rock Mushroom that was also present unless and until I knew for certain that I would need it to advance. Walking around the planet, I saw that there was another large purple crystal at the top of the planet, Surrounding it were two rings of Boulders and Chomps rolling through a bunch of that gross slime that I can't even remember now what my theories were about what it actually is. And – oh yay, between the rings were Not-Bartholomew and Not-Blue, hanging out next to several Thorny Flowers.

"Mario, I need to use the bathroom." Baby Luma floated back towards the bottom of the planet, where we'd landed. "Stay here. I'll come get you when I'm done."

"What?" I asked. "Use the bathroom? You've never needed to use the bathroom before."

"Yes I have, just not when we've been out on a mission. Come on, I won't be long. Just…beat up these fake Toads or something until I get back." And with that, he floated away around the side of the planet.

Well, let's see. There was no cage on the planet, no ramp, no visible Launch Star, so I assumed the way off was hidden inside either the crystal atop the planet or the rocky spikes on its bottom half. Neither of which I could break through without spinning. Which meant I couldn't just go on and leave Baby Luma here, which I would otherwise be seriously considering doing.

Beating up the rest of the Not-Toad Brigade it was.

"Treasure hunting, treasure hunting…," Not-Bartholomew said as I approached him. Then he looked up at me. "Hey! Are you looking for a Power Star too?"

Meanwhile, Not-Blue, who Bowser hadn't even bothered to equip with a pair of glasses this time, was swinging his pickax into the ground in exaggerated motions. "I can't see a thing without my glasses! I hope they're safe!" he whined.

Read: "Bowser forgot to give my costume a pair of glasses like the ones the real Blue has, so now I'm just gonna pretend I lost my glasses and hope you believe it!"

Either that or this was an intentional play on Bowser's part so that, were I to believe this was the actual Toad Brigade and get friendly with them, Not-Blue could gore me on his pickax and then just tell any witnesses, "Oops, my bad, I can't see without my glasses."

Just curious to see what sort of garbage they would spit back at me, I folded my arms and asked, "What's Blue are you two digging for?" I paused and reassessed. "Rather, Captain, what are you watching Blue dig for?"

"I want to find out what's in that giant purple crystal." Not-Bartholomew pointed to the crystal atop the planet. "But neither of us wanted to be standing in that muck around the crystal the entire time we're picking away at it. So I got the bright idea to dig a hole here, and then tunnel through the planet to reach the crystal from beneath. Unfortunately, we only have one pickax left because one of those Chomps," he pointed to the ring of slime behind him with the Boulder and Chomps rolling through it, "destroyed the rest of our equipment and, sadly, killed Mailtoad while we were crossing the ring of slime."

"The two of us barely made it out with our lives," Not-Blue added as he continued haphazardly swinging his pickax.

Not-Bartholomew cocked his head at me. "Hey, did you happen to see Green Toad and Yellow Toad on the Starting Planet? How are they coming along breaking through the other purple crystal there?"

I looked at the sky. Good; the Starting Planet wasn't visible from here, so Not-Bartholomew wasn't pulling one of those cheap, B.S. tricks where someone already knows the truth but asks you what happened anyway.

Well, if these Not-Toads insisted on talking so much, then I was gonna use the supposed intel I got from Not-Jacques to screw with them.

"Oh my gosh, it was terrible," I said. "Just as I was about to leave the planet, they broke open the crystal and then…and then this weird purple gas emerged from it. It flew into them through all their orifices – and I mean all their orifices; eyes, ears, mouth, butt, you name it – and then just…." I mimicked an explosion with my hands. "…just blew them apart from inside. And then it just flew away and disappeared."

Not-Bartholomew stared at me. "Purple gas, you say? And it…exploded them?"

I nodded.

He waved at Not-Blue. "Blue Toad, stop digging. I don't think we want to break this crystal open after all."

Not-Blue turned to Not-Bartholomew. "Are you sure? I'm making real headway here."

Then, while he was distracted, I lunged towards him and yanked on his pickax. "Hey!" he shouted. He tried to maintain his grip on the pickax, but it was too far gone. I pulled it away from him, then kicked him in the face. He flew backwards and was impaled on the nearest Thorny Flower.

"Gaah!" he wailed. "Avenge…me!" Then he went limp.

Not-Bartholomew turned on me and reached into his belt. "You jerk! Say hello to my not-so-little friend!" Then, before I could react, he grabbed something from his belt and aimed it at me.

And, surprise surprise, it was another extendable weapon.

The short, metal, baton-like object he grabbed quickly both widened and lengthened. Metal plates slid into place along its side, and its rear end rested on Not-Bartholomew's shoulder. The front, meanwhile, ended in a large truncated cone with an orange glow coming from it, that was less than two feet from my face.

"Behold," Not-Bartholomew said, brandishing the excruciatingly phallic weapon, "the Extendable 2π-Foot Rocket Launcher! Drop the pickax and put your hands up or else!"

I put down the pickax and raised my hands. "Wait, behold the…the what?"

Not-Bartholomew seemed taken aback. "…The Extendable 2π-Foot Rocket Launcher. I thought I said it pretty clearly."

"Two pie? Since when is a pie a standard unit of measurement?"

"What? No! Not 'pie,' p-i-e. 'Pi,' p-i."

Okay, now I was even more confused. "P.I.? As in…Magnum, P.I.? Private investigator?"

Not-Bartholomew groaned. "No, you idiot! Not P.I. the acronym, p-i the word! The letter! The math symbol! You know, 3.141592653…."

He kept rattling off numbers, but I stopped trying to make sense of what he was saying as soon as he uttered the word "math," because I've always sucked at math. That wasn't always the case, but I got completely lost somewhere around 3rd grade and never managed to fully spring back from that.

But with him distracted, I kicked the barrel of the rocket launcher up. It flew from Not-Bartholomew's grasp and flipped into the air. I managed to grab it, and then contemplated what to do with it for a split second.

I could try to fire it at Not-Bartholomew and hope that I didn't miss, giving him a chance to take it back from me and blow me up with it.

Or I could throw it under the Chomp that was about to roll along behind us and hope that thing crushed it to smithereens, taking it off the playing field entirely.

I decided on Option 2.

"NO!" Not-Bartholomew shouted as I flung the rocket launcher to the ground right in front of the Chomp. The Chomp rolled over it with a loud crunch. But not even a second later, the crushed rockets exploded, blasting the Chomp several feet into the air. It crashed back to the ground with the force of what I estimated to be no less than a magnitude 3 earthquake, rattling the entire planet and spraying slime all over me and Not-Bartholomew.

And yet the Chomp itself was completely undamaged. Damn, how durable are those things?

I gagged and shook as much slime off myself as I could. Not-Bartholomew, meanwhile, screamed and pointed at me. "That does it! You're toast!"

"Wait, wait, wait!" I raised my hands defensively in front of me. "Before we throw down, I just want to ask one question."

Not-Bartholomew punched his arms down. "What?"

"If you had that rocket launcher on you this entire time, why didn't you just use that to blow up the crystal?" I pointed at the giant purple crystal behind him.

"Well, that's obvious. It's because I…." He trailed off. Then he cocked his head and looked behind him. "Huh."

And while his back was turned, I kicked him face-first into the ring of slime surrounding the crystal.

"BLAH!" He sat up, spat, and scrambled further into the slime to avoid a Boulder. "Hey, no fair! I hadn't finished answering your question! You said, 'Before we throw down,' which means that we don't start fighting until after your question has been answered."

I raised an eyebrow. "As your selective memory seems to be forgetting, I said, 'Before we throw down, I just want to ask one question.' Everyone knows that means fighting is off-limits only as long as I'm asking the question. After that either party is free to instigate a battle, whether the question has been answered or not."

Not-Bartholomew stood up. "Well that's just stu-"

Suddenly, a golden laser blasted into him from behind me, flinging him into the purple crystal. It cracked and he splashed into the slime, seemingly unconscious. I turned around to see Baby Luma floating towards me. "Geez, were you two gonna fight or make out?" he whined. "I could smell the sexual tension between you two from the other side of the planet?"

"What?" I exclaimed. "There was no…tension between us."

"Really? Because the giant metal penis he was aiming at you indicated otherwise."

I put my hands on my hips. "How long were you watching us and doing nothing to help me?"

"Long enough to have no idea how you've ever won a single fight in your entire life."

I scowled as Baby Luma hopped back under my cap. Then I headed back to the bottom of the planet, grabbed the Rock Mushroom that was there, and headed to the top of the planet. And once I got close to it, I could see that inside it was a Sling Star. Wait, what? So why was the Not-Toad Brigade trying to break into this crystal if it was clear there was nothing in it? The other one I could get since there was no way to tell there was just a Comet Medal in it, but seriously, come on.

In other news, breaking this crystal open was going to be rather unpleasant. Because with all the other objects I've had to smash open in rock form, no matter how close I get to them, I always complete at least a one-quarter rotation before I explode out of my rock form. And in this case, a one-quarter rotation would have my nose ending up right in the slime covering this section of the planet.

In a word: yuck.

I sighed and rolled up, then smashed into the crystal. Sure enough, my nose rolled straight through the slime, and despite my best efforts to hold my breath, I ended up with the slime sprayed all the way up my nostrils.

Cue no less than five minutes of sneezing and snorting to try to clear my sinuses, made even more unbearable by Baby Luma's incessant whining at me to just "man up and get on with the level already."

Then, of course, I had to smash the crystal a second time for it to break open, meaning I spent a second five minutes clearing out my nose again, in which time Baby Luma tugged on my hair so much that he actually tore out a patch of it.

Hmm.

One day last year, I'd been bored and decided on a whim to ask the AI on my computer why Rosalina doesn't love me. It spat back at me, among other insinuations, that apparently Rosalina is in love with Luigi instead because the bald patch he hides under his cap has become a "celestial intrigue" for her or some other garbage like that.

Well guess what? I've got a bald patch now too! Maybe this will finally be enough to get her to love me.