This chapter picks up where the last one ended. It's been 147 days since I posted that chapter. Thank you for waiting and I hope you weren't holding your breath…if so, impressive!
The chapter kind of got away from me because of Barbara, so the 147 days is her fault not mine. That said, I had to split the chapter so there is one more after this.
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
Jay was finally able to swallow his sobs but the pain of them still vibrated in his head and through his body. Not bad enough to send him to oblivion, just bad enough for the physical and emotional pain to gang up on him. He pushed the button on the PCA even though it pissed him off that he had to do it.
He hated the drugs. Ethan lowered the dosage but they still made his emotions too big. Too overwhelming. Or maybe the emotions were the right size and the drugs took away his ability to shove them down and minimize the pain behind them. Whatever it was, he didn't like it.
He watched the drops of rain slide down the window, colliding and joining, getting bigger as they went…just like his fucking feelings. He didn't like being seen like this, cut wide open and emotional. Especially now…now that he'd lost his job. It was embarrassing and he didn't quite have the mental capacity to hide it right now.
The anger and sadness of losing his job also made the forgiveness he felt for all of them waver, but he had to keep trying, not being able to forgive them would hurt.
So he hoped it was just the drugs messing with his head because he couldn't live his life in resentment again. He'd done it before when his mom died and it just added to the pain. His resentment left him with no support system, except for Mouse, but as great as he was, he didn't know his mom and the heart shattering pain of losing her. Mouse didn't have a hole in his heart that could never be filled. Will and his Dad had the same hole. They would have understood his pain because it was their pain also, but their actions and his resentment drove them all apart and kept them apart.
Will and he eventually reconciled and were closer than ever before. Occasionally a splinter of the resentment would surface but it was gone as quickly as it came and he tried to never let Will see it. His older brother had too many splinters of his own and they were guilt, all guilt.
He thought his relationship with Hailey, Kim, Adam and Kev, would eventually be akin to his relationship with Will. What had happened in the unit was big, but he knew for a fact they would meet him half way…more than half way. He knew they felt horrible and he knew they would all get passed it; and just like with Will, they would come out closer on the other side because he would hold tight to forgiveness.
He just couldn't lose anyone else, he was already losing himself. He wasn't a cop. He wasn't a soldier. He wouldn't be able to help or protect. He felt empty and resentment would keep him empty.
XXXXXXX
Will practically sprinted down the hall not wanting to waste a second of his stolen break. He hated being away from Jay for so long. Hated that the universe chose to send the ill and injured to Med instead of somewhere else when all he wanted was to be with his brother.
Every time Will was able to escape the chaos of the ER, Jay was sleeping and every time there were more dried tear tracks on his face. He would hold his little brother's hand and will him to wake up so he could comfort him. He'd dropped a bomb on Jay that he didn't even know was a bomb, didn't know it was nuclear, didn't know losing a kidney would cost Jay his job and obliterate life as he knew it.
Jay was curled over on his side, back to the door and once again it looked like he had caught Jay when he was asleep but when he rounded the bed he saw his brother was very much awake, silent tears escaping under the hand that covered his eyes while the other curled around his abdomen.
Will sat in the little island made by the curve of Jay's body and wasn't surprised in the least that his little brother wasn't aware of his presence until he felt the dip of the mattress - he was too lost in his sadness, lost in the effort to keep it quiet and undetected by the nurses walking the halls.
Jay immediately rolled onto his back rubbing his face with both hands blinking his eyes and lifting his eyebrows feigning just waking up instead of the godawful truth of just bawling his eyes out.
"Hey man. What time is it?"
In the past Will would have gone with sibling sarcasm and given Jay the stink eye for even thinking of pulling what he was trying to pull right now - pretend he was absolutely fine. But he was straddling the line of before fuck up and after fuck up with his little brother and wouldn't be shooting Jay the stink eye anytime soon.
So he softened his look letting his love and concern, his support, shine through and that was what broke the dam. The tears Jay had been trying to rein went from leaking from the corners to over flowing.
"Oh Jay…"
His little brother tried to swallow his silent tears and when he finally could, his name came out in a hitched rasp, "Will…"
He brushed his hand through Jay's hair, then rested it on the back of his neck.
"I hear ya…gimme a sec."
The pain Jay was in may have started out emotional, but the quiet sobbing wasn't doing his injuries, though healing nicely, any favors.
Looking at the readout on the PCA, he sighed internally. Jay hadn't had any meds for close to two hours, but quickly realized it wasn't stubbornness as he assumed, but the disappearance of the button, more than likely lost in the blackhole of hospital linens.
He would more than likely get in trouble for it, but knowledge that a scolding or a write up was coming his way for administering care to a family member, drugs at that, didn't stop him from unlocking the PCA with his code and sending a supplemental dose through his brother's veins.
Rubbing his thumb back and forth behind Jay's ear, he bent over and pressed his forehead against Jay's, "Shhh…shhh. It'll ease up. Just give it a second."
Jay soaked in his brother's comfort and cried harder. Everything was terrible but…Will…he needed his brother and he was here…he was here now.
"I got ya. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry Jay."
The apology was two fold. Comforting Jay as he came to terms with what losing his kidney was costing him, and abandoning him when he had needed him so desperately. Jay's pain and his own failure started his own tears. This was the comfort and support he should have been giving Jay all along.
Squeezing Will's hand, he held tight and groaned out his understanding in a raspy voice, "I know…it's okay. I love you."
The meds kicked in then, taking the edge off, making him fuzzy headed while the rest of him remained clogged with emptiness. He wouldn't have ever guessed losing his job would hurt this bad. But then, he hadn't really thought of it, what that might feel like, because he was too distracted doing his job to worry about what it would feel like if it was taken away.
Will leaned back when he felt Jay's tense body relax, "I love you too little brother. Go to sleep, I'm here."
He sat next to Jay even after his eyes fluttered closed and his breathing evened out. He couldn't undo what he did to his little brother but he would make up for it in any way he could, starting with getting his shit together.
Jay had needed him, and out of all of them, Will knew what he did hit the hardest. Though he hadn't been cruel like Voight, he had shunned Jay just like the rest of them, but it wasn't just that. No, he had abandoned his little brother to go through everything alone. Again.
He touched his forehead to Jay's and made a promise, one he would keep even if it killed him, "I'm going to be a better brother Jay. I promise. I'm going to be the brother you deserve."
XXXXXXX
Trudy hadn't been able to sleep hence the middle of the night visit. She was already worried sick about the kid, but Kevin and Adam's report on their visit upped it a few notches.
X
Jay opened his eyes half mast and watched the rain beat against the window. He wondered how long he'd been asleep, not that it mattered. He was in the hospital where there was nothing to do but sleep and think…and think.
Tears burned his eyes. Not all of them were from pain, some were of relief. His eyes drifted away from the window to the empty chair in front of him, Will's chair. He was back in the ER now, his break cut short when he was paged back to the chaos…but he'd been there.
He understood why Will had to leave but the silence that came with being alone again left him swimming in his own chaotic thoughts about his job…lack of job.
She watched the kid wake up but he hadn't noticed her. His bruised eyes went from the window to the chair and back again. He was lost in his thoughts and it was only when those thoughts scrunched up his bruised face into something akin to agony that she make her presence known.
He was so focused on the rain, so lost in his thoughts, he didn't realize Platt was in the room until she cleared her throat; and somewhere in the recesses of his detective's mind, he recognized his pathetic situational awareness and that just bugged the shit out of him.
Rolling onto his back with a low groan, he blinked at the pain sliding over his body but held off on pushing the button for the meds. In fact, he let go of it completely to rub the tightness of dried tears off his face, then didn't pick it up again but chose to anxiously play with the cord for it instead.
She held up the magazine she'd been reading as she moved to Will's seat, "Just so you know Chuckles, I was kind enough to mark the good parts of these magazines so you wouldn't have to wade through all the crap to find them."
One side of his split lips quirked up in a sad half smile, "Isn't all of it crap?"
She flicked a yellow post-it note, "There are different levels."
Searching the kid's face, she saw that the sadness Kevin spoke of was still glued to it. She knew this wasn't about the little boy or them and how they had treated him. This was something else…this was a different despair.
His eyes became glassy when Platt did her thing and read him like a book. He pulled his bottom lip in and chewed on an irritating stitch before croaking out, "What happens now…" then keeping the evidence of his increasing pain in and the answer he was afraid of out, he closed his eyes and set in with four count breathing.
Less than a minute later, Jay gave up on trying to ease his discomfort, both physically and emotionally, with breathing exercises, and opened his eyes again. He looked miserable but she knew there wasn't a chance in hell he'd pick up the button for the pain medication. Whatever was going on, the kid was going to face it with a clear head and his angry body would just have to wait.
He took a breath and though it was the last thing he wanted, he needed something to hold on to, "…will I be able to ride a desk or is that out too?"
After a moment of confusion, the reason for the grief swirling in the kid's eyes became clear. She wondered how long he'd been sitting in this particular heartbreak. It was probably more painful than everything else combined.
It almost brought tears to her eyes but she was able to bully them away. Jay didn't need an emotional friend right now, he needed hard ass, take no shit Sergeant Trudy Platt.
She leaned toward him like she was leaning over her desk at the 21st. "You with me kid…"
He swallowed then whispered a barely audible, "Ya Sarge…"
"Good. Listen up…"
She paused a moment to make sure he was totally with her.
"They did away with that one kidney, crap disqualification a couple of years after you got out of the academy."
He was in physical pain and out of sorts, so he was slow to react, slow to recognize what she said. He was expecting confirmation that riding a desk was out too so her words didn't register, almost like they were in a foreign language.
Putting her hand on his arm, she softened her tone. "You can still be a cop Jay."
He closed his eyes and pulled in a relieved breath he thought would never get.
She could see his relief, see tension leave his body when he sagged into the bed, but repeated the information anyway. He was in physical pain and wanted to make sure he got it.
"They aren't going to take your badge Chuckles."
Trudy was prepared to wait for as long as it took for him to process the information but too short a time later, a touch of uncertainty slipped back onto his face and she had a good idea why.
She knew how her favorite detective rolled and when he didn't correct her with his usual 'that's Detective Chuckles,' it was confirmed. He was worried that even though an outdated statute wouldn't take his badge, Voight still might.
The kid confirmed her belief in the cracked pitch of his next word.
"Voight?"
She patted his arm then smirked, "I'll handle Hank, Jay. You just get better and pass the physical."
He gave her a half smile and hesitant nod, then pushed the button for the pain meds, and feeling more at peace than he had in weeks, he was out before they had a chance to do their thing.
She sat at his bedside for awhile, happy she was able to ease some of the burden he was carrying but sad that the only time he truly looked at peace was when he was sleeping. That thought lit the flame of her anger and brought her to her feet.
Unaware she was tucking Jay in as she did it, she made him a promise, "I got ya kid. Come hell or high water, I got ya."
Her eyes lingered on his battered but peaceful face for another moment then left for the 21st fanning her anger into an inferno of rage as she went.
XXXXXXX
She heard the buzz of the gate and watched her friend walk up the steps from where she sat in his office. Her mind spun off on a short tangent. She used the term 'friend' loosely, not sure which slot in her life Hank Voight fit in right now. Currently he was hovering between friend and coworker. How this conversation went would determine where he would end up, either way he would be on thin ice with her.
X
Hank got to the top of the steps and had a clear view into his office, at Trudy sitting at his desk wearing the face she saved for officers on their third strike. He was on thin ice with his friend and there was nothing he could really do about it. Nothing he wanted to do about it given the reason why she was sitting in his office right now.
She didn't budge upon his arrival, so he took a seat in the visitor's chair, leaned back and crossed his legs. When she didn't speak right away, he raised an eyebrow.
Leaning forward, take no prisoners Sergeant Trudy Platt addressed a peer, friendship temporarily out the window, "I'm going to talk and you're going to listen…when I'm done you'll get your turn."
He tipped his head to the side in amusement then huffed out an annoyed breath at the look she gave him.
"Jay thought being down a kidney would get him medically retired…he worried himself into physical pain because he thought he was losing his job."
Voight's only reaction to that godawful information was a twitch of his eyebrows, which in her opinion wasn't enough and it pissed her off even more. Goddamn his ego. When she continued her tone was sharper, which should have been impossible since she was already swinging a machete with every word.
"He finds out that's not the case and is relieved for about two seconds before your name crossed his split lips."
"Insubordination doesn't fly with me and he's known it since day one in the unit."
"You're just as bad as Adam. You'll get your turn Hank, but for now shut the hell up, I'm talking."
He lifted his chin in defiance, but pulled in the corners of his lips and bit down.
"You should be glad he didn't follow your orders Hank. Who knows how many more kids would've died. You gotta learn when to flush your ego when it comes to Jay or you're gonna lose him. He's only ever going to be insubordinate if you're being an idiot. You should know that about him by now."
She took a big breath and exhaled disappointment, "I know you haven't been to see him…"
He opened his mouth to talk but she shut him down with a growl.
"Going to see him when he's unconscious and then only staying five minutes because you couldn't handle seeing him beat to hell and just coming off a ventilator doesn't count…"
He was surprised that she knew about his short visit.
"Ya, you've been ratted out. Will talked to me or should I say raged at me about it."
"Look Hank, if you didn't go back because you felt bad for how you treated him, then feel bad, you should Hank. You should feel bad. If you're embarrassed, good. You should be. But stew on it on your own goddamn time and go see the kid and tell him he's not out of the unit. Ask him how he's feeling, tell him he did a good job, thank him for powering through and solving the case, all of the above, but do something.
"You need to get it together when it comes to Jay. I don't know what your problem is…" but she did…She did know. Hank struggled with how, by just his presence in the bullpen, Jay challenged him to be a better leader, a better man and Hank had a hard time rising to that challenge.
"You've had a shit for brains knee jerk reaction to him from day one and you need to figure it out Hank. You almost lost the best detective you've ever had. He almost died solving this case and he get's nothing from you. Nothing. You're lucky he even wants to stay after how we've all treated him…but that's Jay. He's got his ego in check and when it comes to people he loves, he lets his heart run the show."
"Shouldn't be a 'we' where your concerned, you backed him."
The sense of betrayal peppered in his tone triggered a flaming eye roll, "Which was what all of you should have done.
"You should've had them put a lid on it from the get go but you stoked the fires. This is your unit Hank. How many times have I heard you say that it's your job to protect them? You did a crap job of protecting Jay. And what's sad is, he needed protecting from his own team-his friends, his family. That's on you Hank. You let him down, all of them down. Their part of it is on them, but they sure could've used a leader and what they got was a school yard bully."
Hank's biggest struggle had always been with his ego and this case really poked at it. But something had to give. He would have to let it take the blow or, find a way to protect it while doing the right thing by Jay.
There was a long pause while Hank stubbornly forego his turn to talk and instead sat there with an air of indifference. As the seconds ticked by she thought about her contingency plan - Tell Hank of the meeting the rest of his team had had with her - but she decided against it. Hank needed to come to his senses on his own, not because the whole of his unit requested to be transferred out if Jay was fired or kicked out of the Intelligence. She would however, tell him about that meeting at a later date, once everything was sorted.
With one last fiery glare, she went back to her own desk leaving the future of Hank's unit in his indifferent, unknowing hands. He had to dig himself out of the hole he put himself in and at the moment he didn't know quite how deep it was.
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
Okey dokey. Last chapter should only be a few days away. It's already done, just have to clean it up a bit.
Stay safe peeps! Big smooch!