Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Olivia stirred, not exactly sure what had woken her. Belatedly she realized that the air in the room felt cool against her arms she became aware of the fact that at some point during the night she must have become too warm and pushed the blankets off. Likewise, it seemed that Elliot had been in the same boat, because a quick glance at the bottom of the bed told her his own covers had also been abandoned. But that wasn't the incessant sensation niggling at the back of her mind. No, as awareness and sensation began to creep into the more cognizant part of her brain, it dawned on Olivia exactly what she was feeling pressed up against her backside. It certainly wasn't the first time that she had wakened in recent weeks to find herself either tangled with her partner, or him spooning with her, however never before had the position been quite this intimate.
Temporarily unable to move, or even breathe, Olivia lay super still, unwilling to wake the man sleeping behind her until she could assess and process exactly what was running through her mind. The more she considered it, the more she realized that the predominant emotion coursing through her was not one of panic, but rather one that felt remarkably close to desire. She could speak with a certainty to the fact that she did not want to act physically upon the feelings surging through her body, but at the same time, there was nothing terrifying about it, either. Rather, a warm tingling sensation that extended all the way down to her extremities was encapsulating her entire being.
If anything, it came as a comfort to Olivia, to know that she was still capable of this particular response. She had experienced on similar occasions recently the tendency to want more – particularly in regard to the way her relationship with Elliot was evolving. Logically, she knew that didn't mean she was ready to engage in any sort of physical or sexual relationship, but it was a relief to know that her mind and body hadn't closed themselves off entirely to those emotions. She wasn't even conscious of the fact that she was crying until she felt Elliot's arm reflexively tighten around her in an attempt to offer comfort, and it was only when she heard her partner's sharp inhale of breath and mumbled curse that Olivia realized that he was equally aware of their current situation. More worried about assuaging the guilt she knew Elliot would feel than anything else, Olivia was quick to offer a reassurance that she was not, in fact, in distress.
"El, it's okay. I'm okay."
"Liv -"
In an effort to circumvent the apology that she anticipated was coming, Olivia shifted. Just as she knew he would, Elliot released his hold on her immediately. But she could tell that she had surprised her partner when instead of retreating completely, she instead rolled over to face him. Resting her palm against the growth of stubble against his jaw, Olivia waited until Elliot had made eye contact.
"Listen to me. I don't blame you. I'm not panicking. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't startled at first, but that was more because I hadn't expected to toss off the covers in my sleep than anything else. It's been awhile since I've done that."
"I hear you. I just don't want to ever do anything that would make you uncomfortable."
"I know that. But you were asleep, Elliot. It wasn't your fault."
They both lay silently for a few moments, before Elliot spoke again.
"I guess we should probably bring out the lighter blankets now that the weather is getting warmer."
"That sounds like a good idea."
Nodding with his chin toward the bathroom, Elliot asked a question. He knew it may not be the most delicate way to address the situation, but the reality was he was still dealing with a bit of discomfort. Plus, while never in this particular circumstance before, he and Olivia had never shied away from delicate topics in the past.
"Do you mind if I use the shower first this morning?"
"Not at all."
Grateful for Olivia's innate understanding, Elliot eased himself from under the covers and grabbed a change of clothes. He strategically kept them positioned in front of his body until he was safely locked inside the bathroom, leaving his partner alone with her thoughts.
For her part, Olivia was able to allow a smile to break free, the only indication of her earlier amusement in regard to the somewhat awkward conversation she and her partner had just shared. There was a part of her that wanted to go into more detail as far as what her feelings and emotions had been when she had first woken up, but she wasn't exactly sure how to broach the subject. She even was considering the idea of talking things over with Lydia first, mainly to be certain that what she had experienced wasn't a figment of her imagination, even though her background in SVU told her otherwise.
Knowing it was still too early in the morning to contact her psychiatrist, Olivia opted to instead wait until later in the morning. If it came down to it, she could even discuss it at the following day's appointment, as it wasn't an emergency. She wasn't even in distress. Instead, she was simply looking forward to her morning walk with Elliot, and then spending some time with Fin and John before they headed back to the city.
The bathroom door opened then, pulling Olivia back to the present. Elliot stepped back into the bedroom, thumbing over his shoulder behind him.
"All yours. Were you wanting to go for a walk today, or should I head down and get started on breakfast?"
"Hold on off breakfast for now, but put on a pot of coffee. I'm sure Fin and John will be looking for some, and that way it will be ready when we get back. I'm definitely in the mood for a walk. If it's okay with you, I'll shower once we return."
"Sounds good to me. I'll meet you downstairs."
Since Olivia was already on her feet and standing at the dresser, Elliot didn't hesitate to drop a kiss on the crown of her head as he passed by on his way out the door. Gathering the same clothes she usually wore for her morning walks, Olivia padded into the bathroom, the corners of her mouth turning upward into another smile when she noticed that the temperature setting on the shower was still set to cold. Even though she had already been well aware of her partner's intention for wanting to use the shower first, she still couldn't help but be equal parts amused and deeply touched at how Elliot continued to go out of his way to ensure her comfort. It reminded her that her earlier feelings definitely couldn't remain unspoken.
By the time Olivia made it to the lower level, she found not just Elliot, but Fin and John waiting for her as well. That was when she learned that her morning walk was going to be a group activity – but only if she gave her approval. Already feeling a bit melancholy at the idea of saying goodbye to her friends later in the day, Olivia gladly welcomed anything that would afford her the opportunity to spend more time with them.
"I thought we could walk in the direction of the lighthouse today."
Barely containing her laughter at the way John visibly blanched after her suggestion, Olivia rested her hand on the older man's shoulder.
"Relax, John. I said 'walk in the direction of the lighthouse', not 'climb the steps of the lighthouse'. I wouldn't do that to you."
"You know I'd do it if you asked me to, Liv."
She did know that, and she loved him all the more for it. All of these men were very near and dear to her, and each for a different reason.
"I know. Remind me over breakfast to tell you about the time Elliot and I actually did make it to the top. We can even show you some of the pictures we took. You can live vicariously through us."
"Now, that, I can handle. Lead the way, my lady. We'll follow."
As the quartet made their way out of the cottage, with Elliot locking the door behind them, neither Fin nor John said a word at the way the two partners linked hands as they fell into step beside one another. They simply kept an even pace, as they joined the others, and listened as Olivia talked animatedly, pointing out various landmarks on their way toward their ultimate destination. The pace was an easy one, and by the time they reached the entrance to the park where the lighthouse was kept, everyone was ready to turn back – but not before John had something to say.
"I see why you've found such peace, here, Olivia. I know there is no set timeline, but I'm glad this place has been so good to you."
"Thanks, John."
Elliot released his grip on his partner's hand, only so she could embrace the man standing next to her.
"Come on, let's head back. I know you and Fin won't want to get to get stuck in any traffic, the least we can do is feed you two a decent breakfast before you have to leave."
That was when Fin spoke up.
"Don't worry, Liv. We won't be running out the door immediately. I was thinking we'd head out sometime after lunch. That will give us long enough to spend more time, but still miss the rush hour."
"Sounds good."
Once they had arrived back at the cottage, Olivia excused herself so she could go upstairs and take a shower. Before she could make any promises about coming back to get started on the morning meal as soon as she possibly could, her worries were immediately alleviated when the three men assured her they would take care of it. Any attempts to protest fell on deaf ears, and she found herself being nudged in the direction of the stairs. In the end, it was Elliot who was the most convincing.
"Go ahead, Liv. Let us make breakfast for you, but then you and I can make lunch later – deal?"
"All right, you win. But I'm going to hold you to that."
"I know you will."
Once Olivia was upstairs, Elliot turned to the other two men standing not far away from him.
"That was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I'm sure you understand. Unless either of you have any objections, I thought I would surprise her by having something special to eat this morning, one of her favorites."
As recognition dawned, Fin's eyes lit up, and a knowing grin took over his face.
"You planning on making cinnamon rolls, Stabler?"
"Exactly. Of course, we all know Olivia well enough to realize she'll want fruit with them, but I thought if one of you wouldn't mind helping by cutting up some melon or berries, then-"
John was next to interject.
"Just tell us what you need us to do."
By the time Olivia had returned, the entire lower level – the whole cottage, really – smelled of cinnamon and warm, sweet, pastry. A pot of coffee had just finished brewing, and Fin was putting the final touches on a bowl of freshly cut pineapple and strawberries. When she took in the scene in front of her, tears sprang to Olivia's eyes as she was overwhelmed by an equal amount of gratitude and love.
"This looks and smells amazing. I don't know how I can thank all of you enough."
"You don't have to thank us, Liv. Just sit down and enjoy."
"I can do that."
Taking her seat at the table next to her partner, Olivia helped herself to some fruit and allowed John to place a cinnamon roll on her plate. Once Fin brought over her coffee, he too, was seated and the four began to dig into their breakfast. Keeping true to her promise from earlier, Olivia led the conversation, telling the story about the time not long ago when she and Elliot had made a visit to the lighthouse and climbed the many stairs all the way to the observation deck at the very top.
"It's what I had always wanted to do from the moment I first arrived, and El made sure that it happened. Don't get me wrong, there were a few moments on the way up that I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but I'm so glad that I did. It's something I'll never forget."
Seeing as how his partner was currently focused on tearing apart her cinnamon roll layer by flaky layer, Elliot made the offer to show their friends some of the pictures on his phone first. Fin and John were both quick to agree at how beautiful the view was from up so high, but the latter couldn't help but comment that he wasn't so certain if he'd be fond of seeing it in person. The older man did have something to say, however, when he saw the photograph of the two partners side by side beaming at the camera with the scenic ocean vista behind them.
"I know that Fin and I always liked to tease the two of you back when we all worked together, but I hope you don't mind if I say that you both look mighty good in that picture."
There was no doubting John's sincerity, and Olivia was deeply touched. She also knew that there was no need to read between the lines, and what had been said could simply be taken at face value.
"Thank you."
The rest of the meal passed with sporadic and easy conversation, and it wasn't until everyone was finished that Olivia got to her feet. She was about to insist on handling the duties of cleaning up, especially considering that the others had dealt with the preparation, when Elliot gently rested his hand on her forearm, making her pause.
"Why don't we wait on cleanup, Liv, just this once? I know we usually like to take care of it right away, but there really isn't much to do. This way we can enjoy what time we have left visiting. If you want, I can take on the lions share after lunch later."
"That's not necessary, El, but I like the way you think. If anyone else wants more coffee, they are more than welcome, but I think I'm going to switch to water. We can move to living room where we'd all be more comfortable, and if neither of you mind, I'd love to hear more about what is going on in your lives."
The morning went far too quickly for Olivia's liking. As much as she enjoyed having John regale them about what life in semi-retirement was like, and as much as she loved hearing Fin talk about how he and his son Ken had grown closer, there never seemed to be enough time. Now, it was closer to lunch, and she knew her friends would be having to leave soon. Currently, they were upstairs gathering their belongings, while she and Elliot were in the kitchen, trying to sort out a lunch that would be simple but still meaningful enough for them all to share until they could all be together again. Even though Fin and John had insisted that it wasn't necessary, both of the partners had agreed that it was something they wanted to do.
After a quick perusal of their recently saved recipes, Olivia decided on a unique version of tacos that would take the seasoned beef filling combined with cheese. Instead of putting the mixture in a more traditional tortilla, it was added to a prepared pizza dough and rolled up. Once it was cut into individual pinwheels and baked, any toppings a person desired could be added. Following a search of the fridge and pantry, Olivia and Elliot brainstormed together and came up with shredded lettuce, fresh diced tomato, sliced black olives, and some chopped jalapeno. There was also sour cream for those who wanted to use it.
Since the queso from the day before had been consumed entirely, Olivia opted to serve the leftover tortilla chips with the taco pinwheels, alongside a store bought guacamole and salsa. While Elliot was busy chopping the toppings and they were waiting for the main course to come out of the oven, she made a fresh pitcher of iced tea, and just as everything was coming together, the sound of footsteps could be heard on the stairs.
"Perfect timing, you two. Lunch is just about ready."
"How about that, Fin? We didn't even get roped in to help today."
Knowing that the older man was only joking, and would gladly have offered his services in the kitchen if needed, everyone started laughing. All the same, Olivia couldn't resist teasing her friend.
"I'm sure I can find something for you to do, John, if you're really worried about missing out."
Wrapping an arm around Olivia's shoulders, John kissed her cheek.
"I appreciate that, but if I accepted, then this beautiful meal you and Elliot made for us would go cold, no one wants that to happen."
"As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. Let's all sit down and eat."
Once everyone was settled, and the various bowls of toppings were passed around so people could fix their food up just the way they preferred, Fin was the first to offer a compliment.
"Yet again, you've both outdone yourselves. I don't want to hear either of you say that this is nothing special, because it's amazing."
"Thanks, Fin."
John was quick to chime in his agreement.
"He's right, and you both know that I don't admit that very often. I never thought I'd see the day when Olivia Benson, let alone Elliot Stabler would be so comfortable in the kitchen, and you've both done nothing but prove me wrong the entire time I was here."
Putting down his fork, John reached across the table to rest his hand on top of Olivia's
"In all seriousness, Liv, I'm glad that you've found cooking to be such a great help. Just don't be surprised if you see me visiting more often."
"You're always welcome, John. You, too, Fin."
No matter how much Olivia wanted for it to last forever, she knew that lunch couldn't go on indefinitely. While she was beyond grateful that Fin and John helped with cleanup, they ultimately had to make the decision to leave, even though it was clear they were also reluctant to go. With everyone gathered in the living room, Olivia didn't even bother fighting with her emotions, and instead allowed a few tears to fall freely as she said goodbye to her dearest friends. There was a great consolation in knowing that it wouldn't be forever, and that no matter what decisions she made in the coming weeks and months, they would both be back to see her at some point in the near future.
John was the first to embrace to her, and the older man was equally emotional. It reminded Olivia of the heart to heart they had shared together only just the day before, and she clung to him tightly, closing her eyes when she heard him whisper in her ear.
"You're doing great, kid. Don't let that voice in your head tell your any different. You just keep letting Elliot take care of you, and keep fighting like hell. We're all here for you. If you ever need a reminder of what a badass you are, you know how to reach me."
Just as he had done for her earlier in the kitchen, Olivia pressed a kiss to John's cheek.
"I'll do my best, so long as you remember not to be a stranger."
"It's a deal."
As John turned to embrace Elliot, Olivia was left facing Fin, and felt herself losing control all over again. The memory resurfaced of what had prompted her friend to rush to her side in the first place, a struggle that she quickly tried to suppress before it could overwhelm her entirely. Naturally, there was no way to get anything past Odafin Tutuola's eagle eye, but Olivia hadn't been worried about that.
"Don't worry, Liv. That bitch ain't ever going to bother you again. Not while I'm still breathing. Barba won't let it happen, either. You just let us deal with the details, and you focus on healing, okay?"
"I will. Thank you for everything."
"You never have to thank me for having your back. That's something that I will do for as long as I am on this earth."
Olivia was well aware that Fin was not a physically demonstrative man, which is why she was all the more grateful when he enveloped her in a bear hug and held her close. Likewise, he also had a parting word of wisdom and advice, earning a watery laugh for his efforts.
"Just be sure to let me know if Elliot gets out of line. I know he's done a lot for you, but I'm still not above coming back here and kicking his ass if ever does something that he shouldn't."
"I heard that."
"You were meant to."
As Fin and Elliot shook hands, despite the previous moment of levity, Elliot offered his own sincere response.
"You know I'd let you, right? Kick my ass? If I ever hurt her again – which I never plan on doing as long as I live – I'd deserve whatever I have coming. I'm just grateful to be part of her life again, I promise I'm not going to screw that up."
Slipping her hand into Elliot's and interlocking their fingers, Olivia replied softly.
"I know you won't, El."
The two partners followed Fin and John out to John's car, and once more hugs and farewells were exchanged. Then, the inevitable could be delayed no longer, and the men got in the vehicle to leave. With Olivia and Elliot waving goodbye, John pulled out of the driveway. Honking the horn twice as a means of farewell, he headed down the street, and it wasn't until they were completely out of sight that those who remained went back inside, both noticing how much quieter the house had become.
After Fin and John had left, Olivia seemed to retreat into herself and lapsed into somewhat of a reflective silence. Deciding to allow his partner some space, Elliot made the offer to take care of the leftover cleanup that remained from both breakfast and lunch. He wasn't surprised when she insisted to help, knowing instinctively that Olivia would need something to keep her mind occupied to prevent the more intense emotions from taking hold.
So that was how the two found themselves working side by side in tandem. Elliot wasn't pushing for conversation, something he knew Olivia appreciated just by the brief smile she had aimed in his direction. He was also well aware that the woman by his side would open her heart and soul to him more later, she just needed to sort her thoughts out first.
Granted, Elliot was going to miss the guys, too. However, his more selfish side was forcing him to admit that he was looking forward to getting back to the routine he and Olivia had shared prior to Fin and John's arrival. Even though he knew there was still a lot to atone for in regard to what had happened that morning – or at the very least an awkward conversation, he wanted to make sure that he hadn't created any massive steps backward after all the progress they had made together. Olivia had seemed genuine when she had assured him she wasn't upset, and there had been no outward signs that she was in distress, but he couldn't help but worry that he had inadvertently crossed a line.
As he finished wiping down the counters, Elliot saw from the corner of his eye as his partner put the last of the dirty plates in the dishwasher and started the cycle. Operating solely on intuition, he crossed the few steps to stand behind her, resting his palms gently on her shoulders.
"I know you usually save it for something to relax you for before bed, but what would you say to a cup of tea? I'm happy to make you one if you want."
"I'd love that, El. Thanks."
Pressing a soft kiss against the back of Olivia's head through her hair, Elliot gave a soft squeeze where his hands still rested.
"Coming right up. Were you wanting to drink that in the living room, or perhaps maybe sit outside for a little bit?"
"I think I'll sit outside. I could do with some fresh air."
"You've got it."
While he waited for the water to boil, Elliot looked through the selection of herbal tea bags. He was well aware that Olivia would not be wanting her usual nighttime blend, and he also suspected that if he put the choice in her hands to make a decision, she might feel overwhelmed. Operating purely on his understanding of how his partner's way of thinking tended to operate, he ultimately reached for the ginger peach variety. Even though he was typically not a tea drinker, he also decided to pour a cup for himself, and after sweetening both, carried a mug in each hand out to the patio.
"Here you go, Liv."
"Thank you. Wait a minute – you're drinking tea? During the day? Are you sure you're feeling all right?"
"Ha-ha, very funny. Didn't realize you were taking up a career in comedy."
Reading the silent cues coming from the woman sitting on the outdoor sofa, Elliot knew his proximity would be welcome. Taking a seat next to his partner, he closed his eyes in relief when she curled up against him as she always did.
"Sorry I got so quiet on you. Today has just been a lot to process."
Brushing his lips against Olivia's forehead, Elliot was quick to absolve her.
"You have nothing to apologize for. You're entitled to your feelings, Olivia."
"You sound like Lydia."
Chuckling softly, Elliot rested his chin on top of Olivia's head.
"I'm going to choose to take that as a compliment."
The pair sat in a reflective silence for several moments before Olivia spoke up again.
"Who would have guessed?"
"Guessed what, Liv?"
"That we'd ever see the day where Elliot Stabler would embrace therapy?"
A glance to his left and a prime view of his partner's impish grin told Elliot all he needed to know. Olivia was definitely feeling more like herself, her previous melancholy gradually evaporating considering she had been allowed to not only express it, but embrace it for as long as she had needed to.
Leaning forward to put her empty cup on the table in front of her, Olivia sat back to curl more fully against her partner. When Elliot's arm wrapped around her shoulders to hold her even closer, she exhaled deeply, feeling the most at ease than she had since Fin and John had left. She was also feeling bolstered by the confidence that she had taken the leap and contacted Lydia while waiting for Elliot to bring her the tea. Her psychiatrist might not get back to her immediately, but would most definitely reach out before the end of the day. It wasn't an emergency, but Olivia had known that her mind wouldn't be at rest until she talked out what had happened that morning – not only with Lydia, but also with Elliot. She just needed to speak to someone more objective before approaching the topic with her partner.
So lost was Olivia in her own thoughts that she involuntarily startled when Elliot spoke next, not having expected to hear his voice.
"I'm not going to push you, Liv, I just want to remind you that if you ever need to talk – about anything – I'm here."
"I know that, and I appreciate it more than I can say."
As much as Olivia wanted to stay outside indefinitely, once again the weather was not in her favor. At the same time, she couldn't help but notice that the rainfall seemed to reflect her mood. She wasn't going to let it drag her down any further, it was merely a silent observation, and she was even able to find a touch of humor in the situation. When Elliot noticed the smile playing at her lips, even he was able to guess at the reason behind her amusement.
"Wondering on whether or not the weather is following your emotions?"
"You could say that."
"I used to wonder the same thing once. Granted, there wasn't much rain at the time when I was living in California, but I did have to deal with the Diablo Winds."
Curious, Olivia turned to face her parnter.
"I would have thought you'd have said the Santa Anas"
"That's in southern California. Same principle, just different area."
"How lovely."
Once back inside and settled on the couch, the pair lapsed back into another companionable silence. It wasn't broken until about fifteen minutes later, when Olivia's phone rang. A glance at the display told her exactly who was calling.
"Do you mind if I take this upstairs? I shouldn't be long."
"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Liv. Take as much time as you have to. I'm not going anywhere."
Olivia had asked Lydia to hold, and once she was upstairs in the sanctuary of the bedroom, she felt she could speak freely. Normally, she wouldn't have any issue about speaking to her psychiatrist with Elliot present, but considering the subject matter she needed to discuss involved her partner specifically, it was better she dealt with it alone.
"Thank you for calling me back. I'm sorry to have bothered you, but I just didn't want to wait until tomorrow's session."
"There is no need to apologize, Olivia. I've told you to always feel free to reach out to me at any time. If there is something that is troubling you, I'm glad you called. What can I do?"
As best as she was able, Olivia began to explain in detail what had transpired between herself and Elliot earlier that morning. She made certain to emphasize the fact that the situation had not caused her any type of distress, despite what her partner may have initially – and perhaps still – believed. Rather, the conundrum lie in the unexpected feelings of arousal that were burning low in the pit of her belly. Even though there was no desire or intent to act upon them in the moment, knowing that she was capable of those feelings had come as a complete surprise from out of the blue. Granted, the inklings had been there, lingering just beneath the surface, but this was the first occasion when they had really made themselves known to a point where it felt as though intimacy would be a real possibility again – and not just in the far-off future.
"I can understand how that would be overwhelming, Olivia. That is certainly a lot to process all at once. I am glad to hear that you weren't adversely affected by what happened. However, I do realize that it still doesn't make it any easier trying to sort it all out."
Relieved that she hadn't needed to spell it out any more clearly than she already had, Olivia was grateful that Lydia had known exactly what she meant. If she had to describe her current state of mind, 'confused' would be the perfect word to encapsulate it all.
"That makes sense."
Cursing softly, Olivia realized that yet again, she'd voiced her internal thoughts out loud without being aware of it. Before she could say anything more, however, Lydia was continuing.
"We've talked at length in your private sessions about your libido and how it has remained dormant up until only recently when you've started noticing signs that it might be returning."
"I remember. I suppose I've always had feelings for Elliot, I'm sure you'll recall us mentioning how complicated our relationship was when we were partners – even though we never were inappropriate or unprofessional."
After Lydia acknowledged what had been said, Olivia felt her confidence bolstered, and kept speaking.
"I don't need to reiterate the past too much, we've discussed that at length with you in our joint sessions. I suppose what bothers me the most is I'm not sure if what I'm feeling now is one hundred percent genuine, or if I'm confusing the care and concern Elliot has shown me and elevating it into something its not."
"Don't abandon logic altogether, Olivia. It's always served you well. But what does your heart tell you? The one that's known Elliot for all these years?"
"That he wouldn't do that to me. There isn't an disingenuous bone in his body. Yes, I was hurt when he left, but I wasn't aware of the reasons why back then. We've worked our way through that, and are rebuilding the foundations of our relationship back to even stronger than it was before."
Olivia took a few deep breaths to center herself, and when Lydia asked the next question, she was more prepared and ready for it.
"So, now that you've had some time to process and sort your thoughts out loud, I'm going to ask you – how did what happened this morning make you feel?"
"I didn't want to move from the bed. I wasn't ready – I'm still not ready – to do anything in terms of a more physical or sexual nature, but I'm not as opposed to more closeness and intimacy."
The revelation was a virtual epiphany, and Olivia felt an immense weight lift from her shoulders. It was helped by the fact that she had been allowed to reach that conclusion almost entirely on her own.
"Thank you, for listening. I really appreciate it. I know I still need to talk with Elliot, especially because I'm worried he might be blaming himself for something that was entirely out of his control."
"It would be good for the two of you to talk. I'm glad I was able to help. If you want, we can discuss this more at your appointment tomorrow."
Olivia agreed, and after confirming the time for the following morning, she ended the call. Knowing that Elliot was likely concerned about what had kept her for so long – despite his previous assurances that he would wait for her – she first stepped into the bathroom to freshen up. After splashing some water on her face and straightening her ponytail, Olivia was ready to go back downstairs. She found her partner where she left him, sitting on the couch and thumbing through his tablet.
"Hey, El."
Elliot looked up at the sound of her voice, a smile ready and waiting for her the instant their eyes met.
"Hey."
"Mind if I join you again?"
"Of course not."
Truth be told, Elliot hadn't been able to help but see just who was calling Olivia before she had excused herself earlier. While he was obviously concerned as to why his partner had contacted her psychiatrist on a day when she didn't have an appointment, he wasn't going to pry or ask questions – not unless she opened up to him first. However, any worries he was previously holding on to had quickly evaporated when Olivia had returned. Everything about the way she was carrying herself, her whole entire aura was lighter, so whatever had transpired on that call must have done her a world of good.
"Did you want to watch something?"
"Not right now. I'll definitely be up to it later though, we've got a lot of catching up to do. We were off our usual schedule for a few days."
In a move reminiscent to how they had been positioned outside, Olivia curled herself against Elliot's chest, welcoming when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She knew she couldn't delay talking to him forever, but the day was still relatively young. So long as she didn't put it on hold indefinitely and wait for the heavy conversation until just before bed, everything would be fine. Her plan was to enjoy her partner's company for just a little bit longer, and then have that all important discussion. Closing her eyes and breathing deep, Olivia let the familiar fragrance of Elliot's cologne keep her anxiety from getting the better of her.
Olivia wasn't sure how long she and Elliot had been sitting together, just enjoying one another's company. Whatever the length of time that had lapsed, it was sufficient enough to not only allow her to decompress from the earlier phone call with Lydia, but also summon the courage for the conversation that needed to take place between them.
"El?"
"Yeah, Liv?"
Even though she was reluctant to move from the comforting circle of her partner's arms, Olivia knew she wanted to be looking Elliot in the eye. Tamping down the inner voice that was trying to tell her to hide, or that it was a matter of 'owing' – Olivia reached for the bottle of water on the coffee table and took a healthy drink. She knew she didn't owe Elliot an explanation, it was more that she wanted to talk to him about this, to clear the air. Not only to voice her own feelings, but to ensure that he wasn't blaming himself, either.
"I was hoping maybe we could talk."
"Of course. I'm always here for that, anytime you need to. What's on your mind?"
Exhaling slowly, Olivia shifted her position even more. This allowed her the ability to make direct eye contact with her partner, but for their knees to still be touching. She imagined that keeping that tactile connection would go a great way in helping not only her, but also Elliot as well.
"I know you saw that it was Lydia who was calling earlier when I excused myself to go upstairs. I didn't want you thinking that I was shutting you out."
Temporarily misunderstanding, Elliot didn't hesitate to take Olivia's hand in his own. He believed she was attempting to apologize, when in reality, the fault lay with him.
"Liv, you don't have to explain. I know what happened this morning was a lot for you. If you want me to go back to sleeping in the other room, I will."
Reaching out her free hand to rest it against her partner's jaw, feeling the tension in his facial muscles beneath her fingers, Olivia searched Elliot's troubled blue eyes with her own.
"That's not it at all. I meant what I said to you when I woke up. You didn't scare me. I have never been, nor will I ever be frightened of you. If anything, I think it allowed me to understand more fully why you've insisted for so long on sleeping with separate blankets. You wanted to prevent an incident like what happened today, right?"
Lost for words, Elliot could only nod.
"The reason I called Lydia wasn't because I was distressed or traumatized. It had more to do with needing her help processing what I was feeling, as I couldn't really make sense of it all."
Olivia really hoped she wouldn't have to spell it out in much plainer language than she already had, and that Elliot would comprehend her meaning. It wasn't that she was ashamed, or that she and her partner had never had discussions relating to sex or intimacy before, this was just the first time they had ever had a conversation of this nature as it pertained to them and their evolving relationship.
"Are you saying what I think you are, Liv?"
Relieved that she hadn't been questioned completely, as the tone in Elliot's voice was definitely one of disbelief – combined with a hint of awe – Olivia clung even more tightly to his hand.
"I am. I'm sure you understand when I stress that I'm not ready for more, and I know that you'd never ask for that. But believe me when I tell you that what I felt this morning had nothing whatsoever to do with fear. Up until today, I wasn't sure when or if it would even be possible for me to experience those sensations again. I'd closed myself off to it."
Feeling herself becoming more emotional, Olivia wasn't that surprised to see that Elliot's eyes were a mirror image of her own. Much like hers, they were damp with unshed tears, and when he leaned forward to brush their foreheads together, she allowed that simple gesture to ground her. But there was something else she had to say, and it was what she figured would be met with the most resistance. Not because she believed Elliot would disagree, but rather his tendency to protect her. Instead of suggesting something to one extreme or the other, Olivia opted for a compromise.
"I realize that just one conversation won't even begin to cover everything, but I wanted you to know that you don't have to keep using separate blankets solely for my benefit."
As expected, Elliot opened his mouth to argue. Having already anticipated this, Olivia placed her fingers over his lips, effectively silencing him.
"I know what you're going to say, just let me speak first, okay?"
With a smirk, Elliot arched an eyebrow, but ultimately nodded.
"We already mentioned earlier about our mutual need for lighter blankets now that the weather is getting warmer. While I've said before and still maintain that I wouldn't mind if we were to share, I understand if maybe that is something that you're not ready for. Whether it is because you're respecting my personal space, or for your own reasons, you don't have to say. But what I do want you to know is I don't want you to swelter and make yourself uncomfortable just because you're worried about a repeat occurrence of what happened this morning."
Removing her hand, Olivia allowed Elliot the opportunity to answer.
"First things first, I want to say that I'm so deeply touched that you've talked to me about this. You're absolutely right in that I've been beating myself up, and you have no idea how much it helps to hear that I hadn't inadvertently set you back in your recovery. That was my greatest fear."
Licking his lips, Elliot continued.
"I also have to tell you how proud I am of you for contacting Lydia. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but that was a monumental step, and knowing that you feel comfortable enough – not only with her, but also with me – speaks volumes about the progress you are making."
Upon hearing the praise that her partner had bestowed upon her, that was when Olivia lost the battle over the tears she'd been holding at bay up until that point. One lone drop of saltwater spilled over her lower lashes and started to trail down her cheek, until Elliot promptly reached out and wiped it away with the pad of his thumb.
"As for what you mentioned, I think I'd like to keep with the separate covers for the time being. It has nothing to do with you personally, other than what you've already guessed – my utmost respect for you. I will, however, take your suggestions and downgrade to the lighter material. Also, I promise not to obsessively worry about crossing the line."
No matter that the subject was mostly settled, Olivia still felt the need to reiterate the truth.
"It wasn't your fault Elliot. You didn't do anything on purpose. If anything, I can even say that I'm flattered, to know that I can still inspire a reaction like that after everything that has happened. It's a major boost for my confidence, especially when that nagging, self sabotaging inner voice tries to tell me otherwise."
Pulling the woman sitting next to him into an embrace, Elliot whispered into her ear. It wasn't that the words he had to say were any less important, but rather he needed to make sure he was being heard.
"I've always found you to be a beautiful woman, Olivia. I've thought that from the moment we first met. I can tell you that as often as you need to hear to it."
Burying her nose into the juncture between her partner's neck and shoulder, Olivia inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of Elliot's cologne.
"I may hold you to that. I know you'll probably tell me I don't have to say this, but thank you for listening."
"You're right, you never have to thank me for that, but you're welcome just the same."
Much as they had shared before, it was after that heavy conversation that the partners lapsed into yet another companionable silence. Both were feeling the weights on their shoulders as infinitely lighter than they had been previously, and while Elliot and Olivia each were still feeling a bit melancholy over having said goodbye to their friends only a few short hours earlier, the opportunity to have been so open and honest with one another had done each of them a world of good.
Just as it dawned on Elliot that it was getting close to the time they typically started to prepare dinner, a low rumbling sound could be heard. Glancing down at the woman in his arms, he could tell that Olivia was having great difficulty in trying not to laugh. Dealing with a similar struggle himself, but knowing that he'd likely either get a backhand to the chest or a smart remark if he were to comment on it, he opted instead to make a suggestion.
"So, do you have any ideas for food tonight? If you're thinking the same thing that I am, it will be something simple."
"You read my mind El. There is still some of that rotisserie chicken left from the enchilada dish I made in the crock pot. We could cut it up and toss it together with a few other ingredients and make a pasta salad."
"That sounds good. I'll go put some water on to boil. Meet me in the kitchen as soon as you're ready. If you want, we can even eat outside tonight. I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so we may as well enjoy the nice weather while it lasts."
"I'd like that."
After taking a few moments to herself, Olivia joined Elliot. True to his word, he had started a pot of water to boil on the stove so they could cook the pasta. The only thing he hadn't decided on was what variety of noodle to use. In the end, the partners mutually agreed on the ditalini noodle. That way, once all the ingredients were cut up, everything would be relatively the same size.
For her part, Olivia decided to raid the fridge, looking for other components they could add to enhance the pasta salad. Not only was it a great dinner idea that required minimal effort, but it would utilize some odds and ends of the groceries until they could place another order for more.
With her arms full of her treasures, Olivia went to the center island. Elliot having read her mind, met her on the other side, a package of sun dried tomatoes in hand. Along with the mini pearls of fresh mozzarella, baby spinach, and Tuscan herb dressing that his partner had found, they had the makings to toss together something that would taste amazing.
"Liv? Pasta is ready. Let me just run it under some cold water, and then I'll bring it over."
"No problem. I'm almost done with chopping up the last of these things. If you could toss the final product together, I'll grab some drinks for us."
"I can do that. Did you want any bread with dinner?"
"No, I'm good. By all means, get some for yourself if you want some, though."
Elliot was not surprised by Olivia's comment, but at least it wasn't like when she was refusing to eat. Now it was more a matter of preference. But even so, he was not going to have something when she was not, no matter how much she had suggested otherwise. Plus, he wasn't altogether certain there actually was any bread left anyway.
With a bowl in each hand, Elliot headed out to the patio, knowing that his partner would have already taken care of everything else. Sure enough, by the time he got himself situated, there was not only a drink waiting for him, but napkins and silverware, too.
"From the looks of things, there should be plenty of leftovers so we can also have lunch for tomorrow. If you wanted, we can head to the gym after your appointment with Lydia, I know you've been wanting to get back there."
"I'd love that. We'll probably need to put in a grocery order at some point, too."
Not wanting to talk with his mouth full, Elliot merely nodded his agreement. Only once he had finished chewing did he respond.
"We can always do that later, and have it delivered in the afternoon when we get back."
"That sounds good."
The pair continued enjoying their dinner together, discussing plans not only for the following day, but the rest of the evening as well. As much as Olivia had enjoyed having her friends stay, she was equally looking forward to getting back to the routine she was so comfortable with. That included the simplicity of just relaxing with her partner. Even if it made her selfish to a degree, Olivia was immensely glad to have Elliot entirely to herself again, and she was willing to wager he felt the same in regard to her. There was something unique about the road they were traveling, that although Elliot was here to help with her journey to recovery, the process of healing was something they were taking on together.
"Liv?"
Pulled from her reflective line of thinking, Olivia turned her head to the side to face her partner, who was watching her intently.
"Yes?"
"I was just wondering if you've had enough to eat, or if you wanted more?"
Mentally kicking herself for not having been paying attention, and potentially earning herself Elliot's concern, Olivia hurried to respond.
"I've had plenty for now. Might be in the mood for something else later, though. I think there is just enough of the tres leches cake that we can have that for a snack."
"I like that idea."
Olivia was about to suggest that they head inside. Not only did she want to clean up, but the events of the day were also starting to get the better of her. She had a feeling she'd be heading to bed sooner rather than later tonight, and wanted to make the most of what time she had left to unwind. That meant enjoying a few episodes of the programs she and Elliot had been missing. Likewise, she wanted to help her partner piece together that grocery order while she was still thinking clearly enough to do so.
"Did you need me to clean up tonight, El?"
"I can do it. There wasn't much of a mess. Why don't you go grab one of our laptops – I think we placed the order on mine the last time – and then we'll pick something to watch as soon as we're done?"
"You read my mind. I was just thinking we needed to do that."
By the time Olivia had located Elliot's laptop – she had also taken a few extra minutes to grab the two lighter blankets out of the hall closet while she was thinking about it – and made her way back downstairs, she found her partner waiting for her in the living room. After sparing a few minutes to toss the covers they planned to be using that night in the wash, she joined Elliot on the couch, pulling her legs up underneath her and making herself comfortable.
"Okay, partner. Let's shop."
Even though her appetite had been greatly improved for quite some time – save for the more recent issues when dealing with the anniversary of her initial abduction – Olivia nonetheless felt a sense of relief each and every time she helped Elliot with the weekly grocery order. Not only was the task infinitesimally easier to handle, but now that they were preparing meals together on a regular basis, it was actually somewhat fun, too. No longer a daunting chore to be avoided at all costs, the prospect of planning menus and selecting food to have on hand was something to look forward to.
Granted, they still had their preferences, in particular when it came to choosing to buy their fresh produce at the local farmer's market as often as they possibly could. The same went for other local retailers as opposed to the big chain store in town. In fact, after they had finished the order scheduled for delivery the following day, Elliot made plans with Olivia for a trip to the farmer's market that coming weekend. When she agreed only under the stipulation that she would be allowed to buy him breakfast first, Elliot did his best to hide his grin, having already expected a negotiation of sorts, but ultimately agreeing to the terms.
Now, the partners were nestled closely together on the sofa, immersed once more in their favorite ghost hunting program. It had been several days since they'd last been able to watch an episode, but they'd jumped back into it as though no time at all had passed. Currently, the hour wasn't that late, and despite Olivia's previous belief that she would head to bed earlier than normal tonight, she found herself with a renewed burst of energy. Granted, she'd still need a good night of sleep in order to prepare for her appointment with Lydia tomorrow, but she wasn't in a rush to fall asleep.
Once the credits started rolling, and before the show on screen could automatically advance to what was next in the queue, Elliot reached for the remote to press pause. When Olivia moved from her position where she was reclined against her partner's chest to look up at him curiously, he brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear before speaking.
"I thought that if you were still interested, now would be a perfect time to indulge in those last two pieces of tres leches cake. If we wait any longer, it will likely be too late for either of us to eat anything sweet."
"You're right about that. I'd love some, thank you, but are you sure you don't want me to get it?"
Pressing a kiss to the crown of Olivia's head, Elliot got to his feet while disturbing the woman who had been in his arms as little as possible.
"I've got it. You look comfortable. Plus, I have to use the bathroom, anyway."
"I should have guessed you had an ulterior motive."
As he walked to the powder room, Elliot's laughter echoed behind him. He returned several minutes later, with the promised dessert in hand. That was when Olivia noticed that her partner had also thought ahead and brought them both some water as well. He passed Olivia her plate first, and only then settled back in his own seat beside his partner.
"Thanks, El."
"You're welcome."
Considering that Elliot had dived headfirst into his sweet treat, Olivia took it upon herself to press 'play' on the remote. The next episode soon began, and she relaxed back against the man sitting next to her, determined to enjoy the last remaining piece of the cake she had made the day before.
One more episode turned into two, and before either of them realized, the hour was quite late. Even though she had shared quite the emotional heart to heart with Elliot earlier in the day, Olivia was still somewhat hesitant to broach the subject on her mind, although logic dictated that her partner would never have a problem with what she was about to suggest.
"So, El, if you don't mind, I thought I might take my bath alone tonight. It's nothing personal, I just remembered that since we are planning to go to the gym in the morning after my appointment with Lydia, our suits might not dry in time."
Before Olivia could say another word, she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder, and turned her head to meet Elliot's tender gaze.
"Liv, you don't owe me any explanation or justification. Of course, I'll gladly join you any time you like, but if you want time to yourself, that's fine, too. Just let me know when you're finished, and I'll have your tea ready for you."
Resting her head on Elliot's shoulder, Olivia allowed herself to exhale a sigh. It wasn't necessarily one of relief, rather contentment.
"I wish we didn't have to go to bed just yet. I'm not sure of the reason behind it, but I'm feeling somewhat restless. Maybe the bath will help me to relax. However, I know if I don't get a decent amount of sleep, I'll pay for it tomorrow – and so will you."
"I definitely don't want to be on your bad side if you don't get your beauty sleep, Benson."
Elliot's attempt at introducing a bit of levity into what he believed was starting to become a somewhat tense moment had worked exactly as he intended, earning him a backhand to the chest for his efforts.
"Go ahead up and do what you need to in order to unwind, Liv. Unless, of course, you still wanted me to come with you and keep you company by staying in the bedroom?"
"No, I should be okay. Thank you for offering though. I'll send you a message when I'm done, so you know when to come up. Oh, and I can't remember if I mentioned it before or not, but I pulled the lighter blankets out of the closet when I was upstairs earlier, so we can start using those tonight."
"Sounds good."
When Olivia got to her feet, her first instinct was to reach for the empty plates that were still sitting on the coffee table. Naturally, Elliot stopped her, insisting that he would deal with them, and not-so-subtly nudged her in the direction of her own self care yet again. With an expression that read as equal parts amused and annoyed, Olivia glared at her partner over her shoulder as she made her way to the staircase.
"I'm going, I'm going."
Up in the bedroom, Olivia went about her routine a little more differently tonight than normal. First putting her phone on to charge, she then gathered up a change of clothes. It was only when she had safely closed herself off in the master bath that she could breathe a little easier.
Truth be told, there had been another reason for her motives in wanting to bathe alone. It had to do with something she had discussed on the phone with Lydia earlier. Olivia knew that the 'homework assignment' – such as it were – that she had been given, wouldn't be easy, but she was determined to see it through. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she left the lights burning brightly, not turning off the harsher ones in favor of something more muted. While the water filled the basin of the claw foot tub, she stripped off her clothes, and for the first time in a long time, she allowed herself to truly study her reflection.
It was about seeing more than just a body. Lydia had wanted her to see beyond the scars that had been left behind, to try and accept the parts of her womanhood that remained unchanged in spite of all the trauma the surface of the skin had endured. Olivia knew she hadn't neglected any of her injuries, having been diligent in applying the scar minimizing creams over the course of the last year, but she'd never really focused on the image projected back to her from the mirror.
Olivia wasn't sure what she had been expecting from this particular exercise. She supposed she shouldn't have been surprised by the tears that fell – it was emotional, to be certain, but it was also incredibly freeing. When she really took the time to study her nude form, she realized that a lot of what she had built up in her imagination wasn't as severe as the actual reality. That was how Olivia found herself sinking under the bubbles, feeling ten times lighter.
Once Olivia had finished with her bath, she stood in front of the mirror for a second time. She didn't want to overdo it, but she also wanted to learn to be more comfortable with her own body. Not only had Lydia advised that would be a pivotal step in moving forward, but also a healthy one. It made sense, because as much as she longed to reveal herself to her partner, and stand bare before Elliot, that wouldn't be possible until she felt confident in her own skin. Olivia wasn't sure if she was quite ready to necessarily accept the changes that had been forced upon her, but she was definitely beginning to come to terms with them. Much like the process of recovery wasn't a linear one, so was the journey of self discovery and learning to adapt to a life after trauma.
After giving ample time for the moisturizer she had applied to dry, Olivia dressed in the sleepwear she had brought into the bathroom with her. Having already messaged Elliot to let him know she was nearly ready to settle down for the night, she finished cleaning up and headed back out into the bedroom to crawl under the covers and wait for her partner to arrive with her tea. Olivia had just arranged herself against the pillows when Elliot appeared, with not just one, but two steaming mugs in hand.
"Hey, Liv. Thought I'd indulge in a cup of tea myself, tonight."
Unable to hide her smile, Olivia accepted the beverage with both hands, using the utmost care not to spill.
"I'll have you drinking flowers before you know it, Stabler."
"Don't push your luck. Other than iced tea, this sleepytime blend of chamomile and mint is about as adventurous as I'm willing to get."
Her smile having given way to a full-on laugh, Olivia could only nod her agreement.
"If you say so."
The pair were quiet for a few moments before Elliot dared to break the silence.
"Were you wanting to watch anything else tonight?"
"I don't think I want the TV on, but I wouldn't mind some background noise. Maybe some music or something. You know me well enough to realize that I still find the quiet to be too unnerving."
After brainstorming for a bit, and confirming that having the television on wouldn't be a distraction – Elliot was worried that perhaps Olivia might possibly have a headache or some other issue where the light could pose a problem – Olivia's partner came up with a solution. It was the suggestion of an old familiar favorite, a comfort show that she hadn't tuned in to in awhile, but was welcomed nonetheless.
"You remembered me telling you that I found the sound of the brush strokes calming, didn't you?"
"Of course. Truth be told, I find it soothing, too. If you think the light will be too bright or bother you, I can always cover the screen."
"I don't think that will be necessary, although I appreciate you offering. If I'm being perfectly honest, sometimes having a bit of light actually helps, especially if I wake up. It allows me to orient to my surroundings a lot faster than I would if it were completely dark."
With an episode of The Joy of Painting playing in the background, Elliot and Olivia continued to talk. As was common with their before bed conversations, the subject matter wasn't that heavy, although they did discuss yet again some of their plans for the following day.
"So, Liv, were you still wanting to go to the gym tomorrow? I mean, nothing has to be written in stone, and you can always change your mind -"
Olivia put her hand on her partner's arm, stopping him midsentence.
"El, relax. Yes, I still want to go to the gym. In fact, I already packed some of my things tonight. My plan is to swim some laps like last time. You're welcome to join me of course, but if you'd be more comfortable using some of the weight equipment, that is fine, too."
"I'll probably know more when I get there. Also, and please don't smack me for asking again, but what did you want to do about breakfast? I remember we briefly discussed it earlier about grabbing something before your appointment, but I wasn't sure if that's what you still wanted to do."
"It would probably be for the best. That way, we can get – or try to get – a little more sleep, and then not have to rush around making something here before we have to leave. I figure we've always been able to find something we like at that diner, so that seems like our best bet."
Nodding, Elliot was quick to agree. Draining the last of his tea, he saw out of the corner of his eye that Olivia was doing the same. They both set their empty mugs on their nightstands and reclined more fully against the pillows, each now in a supine position. Before they could gravitate toward one another, Elliot reached out and turned off the lamp by his side, then welcomed Olivia to come lay against him as she always did. Admittedly, he was mildly concerned about the lighter blankets, but they did seem to produce enough of a barrier between them. While he was somewhat concerned of a repeat occurrence of what had happened that morning, knowing that he hadn't traumatized his partner helped tremendously. It didn't mean that the worry didn't still linger at the back of his mind, but he was less stressed about it that he had been previously.
"Elliot? Can you try and think a little bit more quietly? Some of us are trying to sleep."
Elliot didn't know what was worse. The fact that Olivia had called him out, or that she was aware of exactly what was running through his mind. As long as they'd known one another, she'd always been able to read him, and that was an ability that only seemed to have been even more inherent now.
"Sorry, Liv."
"I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to believe me when I tell you that it's not something I'm worried about. We've still got the separate blankets, and even if we didn't, I'm not afraid of you. Having you near ground me, El. Always has, always will."
Even though she had told him pretty much the same thing earlier that day, having those words repeated did Elliot a world of good. Turning his head to the side so he could brush his lips against Olivia's forehead, he held her more tightly against him.
"Thank you. I needed to hear that. I want you to know, you do the same for me."
With his eyes still closed, Elliot felt when his partner rested her palm against his jaw. Even though she was still nestled safely within his arms, with her head against his chest, that tactile touch did exactly as he had said – it grounded him, and he felt peace in that moment. All worries in his mind evaporated, and calm reigned once more. Olivia must have sensed it too, whether it was from the subtle change in his breathing or something else, because she soon questioned him yet again.
"Think you can sleep now, El?"
"I can. Goodnight, Liv."
"Goodnight."
A/N: Just an FYI: With the recent spate of issues on FF dot net and the frequency of notifications being down more often than not, I've been starting to rely on AO3 more often than not. Rest assured, I will not abandon any story here or leave one unfinished, but AO3 is starting to become my preferred site. I have the same username there, so if you'd like, you can follow me over there as well. But like I said, I will continue to post all my active stories on here until their completion, so you don't have to worry about missing anything.