A/N

Trigger warning: abuse / SA

Had some real writers block this chapter! It's not my best work which is annoying as it was a fairly important chapter. Just decided to get it done and out in the end and focus on the next.

Chapter 17

Ste pov

"You're humming that tune again"

He looked up absentmindedly, he hadn't realised he was humming anything.

"What tune?"

Louise looked over he glasses at him

"Well correct me if i'm wrong, but it sounds like humpty dumpty"

Again?

"Huh, sorry. Didn't know i was" he mumbled

"No need to be sorry. Why do you think you hum it?"

"It was Lucas' favourite for a while, he had a toy that played it" he replied as he focused on a pull in his jumper.

"Is that the only nursery rhyme your kids sing?"

"God no, Leah loves them too, London bridge, Jack and Jill, although she's getting a bit old for that now. More into disney songs".

Sometimes Louise's questions confused him, was it idle chit chat or was she going somewhere with it?

Louise nodded with a smile. "So why do you think that's the only one that's stuck in your head?"

He shrugged slightly agitated, how was he meant to know? he wasn't even thinking about it.

She looked at him thoughtfully for a while as he continued to play with his sleeve.

"You seem out of sorts"

"Well I'm psychotic, what do you expect?" he bit back with more venom than was needed.

She sighed and took off her glasses "you're not psychotic Ste, you suffered an episode of Psychosis"

He mouthed the same words mimicking the sentence he'd heard a number of times from her, like a petulant child.

She ignored his action and carried on regardless

"The cause of which is yet to be determined. What I mean is that you've been doing well, our sessions have been productive, your relationships with family and friends have been good and are contributing to your recovery. The last few days however, you've been withdrawn, cagey, hard to reach. I'd like to find out why, if you'll let me"

He let his gaze fall on her for a few seconds before returning to his sleeves, he could feel that he was pouting, Brendan used to say he did it when he was upset.

Something he'd discovered during his sessions with Louise however, was that sometimes he did want to talk, he wanted to tell her what was bothering him and how he was feeling, he wanted her to tell him why he felt that way and how to cope. He just couldn't physically get the words out, they'd be swimming around in his head desperate to be heard and he couldn't verbalise a bit of it, he felt paralysed and the frustration was becoming unbearable. He'd get close sometimes, it would be on the tip of his tongue, but then he would remember it was the tip of a very big iceberg, one that couldn't be touched, shouldn't be touched.

He never used to be like this, Brendan always said he wore his heart on his sleeve, in fact it annoyed him how freely he shared his thoughts and feelings with people, he told him it was childish and naive, maybe he was right. But that was the old Ste, the one from before.

Louise was right though, he had been difficult the last few days and he knew why. He'd fooled himself into thinking he was better, that things were finally turning around for him, that had all been shattered the other evening.

Since Brendan's first visit he'd stuck to his word, he'd cultivated a routine with Amy and Doug that suited them all. Amy came on Saturdays, Doug on Friday and Brednan would come on Wednesday and Sunday, for the full 5 hours. He'd have a quick call with Tony and Cheryl each week, He'd call the kids a couple of times, as far as they were aware he'd gone to London for a job but would be back soon. Every other evening though he'd ring Brendan, they wouldn't speak for long, Brendan wasn't the kind of person you could easily spend hours on the phone to, but it was just enough to check in, Brendan had suggested it.

On monday he'd called him as scheduled, Brendan picked up within one ring and it made Ste wonder if he was sitting by his phone waiting for his call like some girl in a dated rom-com, something he was looking forward to rather than a polite sense of duty, that was probably wishful thinking.

He'd told him what he'd had for dinner, Beverely had made a curry that he knew Brendan would have loved, it was brimming with meat. He recanted a funny story Milly had told him about this famous Irish rugby player, he wanted to know if Brendan knew of him, he did. He told him how his first group therapy session had gone, he'd spent a fair amount of their time on Sunday together telling Brendan how nervous he was about it. Brendan had listened and tried to ease his anxiety about it. He joked that if anyone upset him he'd beat them up, at least he was pretty sure it was a joke.

He could hear the ever so faint sound of music in the background

"You in the club?" he asked, squinting as he tried to make out the song.

"Yeah, just in the office. Cheryl's night off."

"Oh yeah she said, on a date int' she?"

"Is she now? First I'm hearing of it. How do you know more than I do when I live with her, Steven?"

"Well I ask, Brendan, that's key," he said sweetly.

"Suppose it is, should i be asking you if Lyndsey's on any dates too?"

"Errrrmmm, I'll let you know," he replied with an obvious cheek. He was smiling to himself.

"You had your tea yet?"

"Dinner." Brendan corrected "just waiting on my Carter and Hay pizza as we speak"

"Are ya? Really?" he asked excitedly

"Yeah, why the surprise young Steven?"

"Dunno, just, dunno. Hope it's good!"

"Mmm, the staff of Chez Chez should be getting loyalty discounts from Dougie boy they're in there so often"

He was embarrassed, it wasn't like he'd made the food or anything, but it made him feel warm inside that Brendan still went there, helped him out by helping his business. Again, he was probably overthinking the whole thing, the deli was the closest place to the club that was all.

He was teasing Brendan by describing the cake Beverley had made in excruciating detail to worsen his rumbling stomach when the club music suddenly got louder, someone must have opened the office door.

"One pepperoni, extra hot, served"

He knew that voice. He felt the colour drain from his face as his breath hitched in his throat and his hands started to shake. He hadn't heard that voice in over a month and he'd forgotten what a visceral reaction it caused.

Simon.

"Eat whilst we go over those plans shall we?" he heard Simon asked.

"Yeah, get it done with, one sec." Brendan returned his attention to their call "Listen, I have to go, I'll see you Wednesday" Brendan said dismissively.

Why was he being so jovial with Simon? Since when did he do working dinners? Since when did he do dinner with Simon at all?

"Yeah" he whispered "Wednesday"

The line went dead. He sat on the armchair by the phone and stared vacantly ahead of him. His mind raced with thoughts of them; was it purely work related, were they talking about their days, did Brendan tell Simon about seeing him, did Simon know where he was?

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he started to panic, struggling to get his ragged breath under control. Then he remembered what he'd seen those months ago, when he'd gone to confront Brendan at the club and he'd caught him and Simon through the office door, going at it, all aggression and violence. It made him feel physically sick, what if they were still doing it? What if they were secretly together? For the first time since he'd been at Clairmont, he wanted to hurt himself.

That's where he was now, back to square one where Simon and what he did, dominated his thoughts and infected every part of his day. There was no respite for him.

"Ste?"

Louise roused him from his thoughts.

"You asked me if i wanted to die before"

Her face fell slightly with surprise at his words, but she regained her facade quickly and professionally.

"I did"

"I think I wanted to, I think maybe I still do. I thought I was getting better, but it's a bubble in here. In here it can't get to me" his nose started running and he wiped it with the back of his sleeve. "He can't get to me," he whispered."but it's not real, when i leave everything will be the same and i can't live like that, i just can't" he struggled to keep his breathing under control as tears streamed down his face, he pulled his knees up his chest and buried his face into them.

"So let's change the way you're living, let's make it easier. Together"

"How?" he sobbed.

"Be honest, talk to me, tell me what's making you so upset"

He looked her in the eyes, his own red and watering, lips trembling, cheeks burning.

As if reading his mind, she continued

"Anything said in this room doesn't leave it unless you want it to"

"It's S-s-s-simon"

"And who is Simon?"

Now or never.

His eyes were puffy and red as he examined himself in his bathroom mirror. He soaked a flannel in the cold water, ringing out the excess in the sink before returning to his bed, flopping down on his back and placing the flannel like a compress on his eyes to soothe them. He'd learnt the trick from reading one of his mam's women's magazines years ago. He'd do it to try and hide when he'd been crying from Terry, it would earn him another beating if Terry had thought he was behaving 'like a girl'.

Yesterday had taken it out of him, admitting to Louise what happened all those months ago and how Simon had been tormenting him ever since had led to her extending their session well beyond the allotted time; he'd been in there for 3 hours. Today he was emotionally drained, he had nothing left in the locker, his eyes were rough and sore from crying himself to sleep. He'd hoped waking up this morning would feel like a weight off his shoulders, that everything would be better, easier, simpler. That wasn't the case, he felt cheated 'the truth will set you free' there was no freedom or release.

The fact it was Wednesday made his heart all the heavier, Brendan would be coming today. He'd toyed with the idea of calling him and cancelling but none of the excuses he could come up with would do anything but make Brendan worried or worse, suspicious, he could do without an interrogation today.

He'd showered and got himself ready, he and Louise had agreed to take a break from sessions today to give him some space, some time to come to terms with what he'd revealed yesterday. He aimlessly wandered down the halls tracing his fingers along the corridor dado rail, he'd put on something slightly more formal today (well for him anyway) hoping that if he looked more put together, he'd act it. He wore his cream chinos which were fitting a little loosely on account of the weight he'd dropped so needed to be held up by a tan belt and a crisp white t-shirt. Most days here he opted to run his fingers through his hair but pretty much let its do its own thing, today he defined his side part and used his wax to comb it over and back into a neat quiff. He didn't look too bad actually, he'd even managed to get his red swollen eyes to go down, he owed 'take a break' magazine a lot.

"Morning blue eyes" Milly cooly came into step with him.

"You're back!" his voice croaked in surprise, the first time he'd spoken all day.

Milly had been on an out visit for the weekend. Out-visits happened when you'd been here for a while and the doctors thought you were making good progress and could do with a dip back into the real world. You had to be supervised and it was only for 2 days but it was meant to see how you could fit back into your old life with new coping skills, or so he'd heard.

"By popular demand" she quipped. She stuck her tongue out and opened her mouth wide so he could see the gum she was chewing. He screwed his face up in confusion.

"New and improved model"

"Eh?"

"Nicotine gum"

"You've quit smoking? Nice. how was home"

"Boring. Anticlimactic. Forced. Predictable" she listed off monotonously.

"Ah, want to talk about it?"

"God no. glad to be back here, who'd have thunk it? Missed me?"

"Yes" he said sullenly.

She cocked her eyebrow at him, urging him to explain.

"I told Louise, about what happened"

She halted and gripped his arm causing him to stop alongside her.

"Really?" She seemed surprised.

"Yeah" he looked at the floor self consciously and scuffed his foot along it.

"How did it go?" she lowered her voice

"Dunno" he shrugged, still avoiding eye contact "once I started I couldn't stop. I fell to pieces, she probably thinks i'm a baby" he could feel his cheeks beginning to burn.

"Ste, you've got nothing to be embarrassed about"

"I didn't say i was"

"It's written all over your face. You should be proud"

He huffed a breath and turned on his heels resuming his stride. Milly trailed after him.

"I don't feel any better, it was a waste of time. I should have kept my mouth shut"

"What did you expect? That you'd tell her and it would be like some sort of an epiphany? You're not sad anymore, you don't want to slit your wrists anymore, hallelujah you're cured, back to the old you and off home you go?"

He stopped again, taken aback by her frankness.

"Jesus say what you really think" he snorted

"I will. You're not that naive. If it was easy everyone would be fixed within a week. Don't underestimate what yesterday did for you. Trust me, i've been there"

She was more serious than he'd ever seen her, he was used to playful and sarcastic Milly, he'd never seen this side of her. He nodded in concession, maybe she had a point.

They found themselves in the TV room and on his favourite sofa, the one that looked out the french door onto the garden.

"Why are you looking so dapper anyway?" she mused as she traced a finger along his jawline.

"Looked like shit, needed to make an effort"

She chortled at his honesty

"Ah yeah visiting day, does that mean that hunky moustached man will be gracing these halls?" she teased with a wink.

"Brendan" he confirmed, smiling wistfully.

"Bleurgh! Please. Your love sick puppy look is too much" she ribbed

"Nah it's not like that, we're friends" he dismissed.

"Yeah whatever" she rolled her eyes. "I believe you, thousands wouldn't"

Words he really wished she hadn't said to him.

….

He twisted the bin bag handles and tied them into the perfect bow, picking up the two full bags he heaved them over his shoulder and made his way to the door so he could dump them in the club wheelie bins down in the yard.

"All the doors are already locked" Brendan drawled in his Dublin accent.

"Are they? Why?" he asked, slightly confused. Bins always went out last after cleaning up, he hadn't got it wrong.

"So we don't get any surprise interruptions" Brendan replied matter of fact.

He continued to look at him puzzled before realisation dawned.

"Oh"

He smiled shyly and slowly put the bags down by the balcony exit. Brendan opened two bottles of beer and sauntered over to the office doorway, stopping to look back at Ste and beckoning him over with his index finger.

He scuttered over to the office, closed the door behind him and stood awkwardly waiting for further instruction. Brendan was already reclining back leisurely in the office chair sipping his beer and looking over Ste appraisingly, he blushed under the heavy gaze.

A small smile played over Brendan's lips as he held the other beer up, offering it to Ste. He took a breath and tried to steady his nerves as he tentatively approached the Irishman and wrapped his fingers gently around the bottle, Brendan letting his grip linger and looking deeply into Ste's eyes as he did so.

He took a shaky sip of his beer as he remained in front of the older man, licking his lips as it left them. Brendan then did something he'd never done before, he took Ste's free hand and encouraged him down onto his lap so his back lay flush against brendans torso.

Brendan smoothed his hands over his black work trousers, securing them on his hips and grinding Ste down against him, Ste gave a subtle roll eliciting a soft moan from the older man. Brendan pressed a kiss on the sliver of exposed collarbone peeking from his Chez Chez t-shirt, moving his mouth to lick and suck a spot on the back of his neck. Bredans fingers dug into his flank and teeth grazed his shoulder. The older man moved his chin down to Ste's shoulder and rested it there, inhaling his scent deeply making him conscious of his cheap aftershave.

"You were flirty tonight"

Ste tensed in fear, if Brendan thought he'd been flirting with him in front of people he would be taught a lesson, punished. He shakily put his beer down on the desk and pushed it away, Brendan didn't need a weapon in his reach too.

"I've barely seen you, i didn't even speak to you" he reasoned, softly, trying not to anger him further. He wasn't lying, it had been so busy upstairs, he hadn't had a chance to even think about Brendan.

Brendan tutted, a dismissal of the panic he could feel in Ste's frozen limbs.

"Not with me. You were flirting with those two blonde girls, never seen you smile so much"

"Are you jealous of two girls?"

"I don't get jealous, Steven"

"Ahhhh" Ste tried to hide the snigger in his voice.

"You have a type"

"Moustaches?" he replied teasingly.

"Mmm you like this?" Brendan murmured as he nuzzled his moustache against his neck, arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

Ste released a surprising giggle as Brendan began to dry hump him from below.

"You've got a one track mind"

"Oh yeah? You're the one who's already hard" he grabbed hold of Stes crotch making him jump.

"Sorry" he said, embarrassed at the lack of control over his own body.

"Don't be, I like it" the Irishman whispered wetly into his ear.

Ste swallowed in anticipation laced with apprehension. Brendan used his fingers to turn Ste's chin towards him and attack his mouth in a passionate kiss. The kiss deepened as limbs became entangled and fabric was rubbed over skin, Brendan's hands trying to find a way in.

Brendan pulled Ste's t-shirt over his head and traced his hands down his toned but slender torso. Ste looked over his shoulder and down at the older man in wonder. Brendan was an amazing specimen of a man in every way possible, why he wanted Ste baffled him completely, he was nothing compared to Brendan. They'd been sleeping together for almost two months now and he still couldn't work it out, work them out.

"You okay?"

Ste nodded. Leaning down to plant a chaste kiss on the older man's lips. He stood and turned, gently knocking Brendan's knees out of the way with his own so he could stand between them, bending over to deliver a more intense kiss whilst ambitiously unbuckling brendans belt and undoing his flies without looking at what he was doing. He sank to his knees and freed Brendan's erection which sprung upwards. He tried not to overthink what he was doing, knowing that if he did so his embarrassment would take hold and he'd shy away from the task at hand, he wasn't sexy, he wasn't experienced but he wanted to please Brendan so desperately. He wondered if Macca had been the same, he was 'out out', he'd been with other blokes, had knowledge and experience Ste could only imagine, he must have picked up plenty of tricks in his time. He pushed the erection killing thought out of his mind just as quickly as it had entered.

He looked up at Brendan from under his lashes, he'd realised early on that action did something to Brendan and it was good to have something in the locker. Brendan licked his own thumb and ran it over Stes' slightly parted lips before sinking further down in the chair so he had better access to him. Ste kept eye contact as he leant forward and fluttered his tongue over the head, Brenan was transfixed, when Ste began to work his way up and down Brendans dick he saw his head roll back in pleasure as the mans hands crept up to Ste's neck and began to stroke it encouragingly.

He'd decided he wasn't going to use his hands today, it was something he'd been working up to. Brendan was large and in the beginning he'd only been able to take the head and opted for using his hands to work the length, but he'd been getting better and today he'd master it, just like Brendan could.

He steadily worked his mouth up and down, managing to go further with every effort, whilst simultaneously flicking his tongue back and forth over the underside causing Brendan to groan with each movement. At one point he went too far too quickly and his gag reflex kicked in and he pulled off Brendan with instinct.

"Sorry" he muttered through watering eyes. That hadn't been part of the plan.

He quickly tried to resume his activity before Brendan could say anything or react, but a tear fell down his cheek and onto Brendan's exposed groin.

"Hey" brendan crooned softly "you don't have to"

He'd worked out what Ste was trying to do then, his cheeks burned with embarrassment at his inexperience shining through.

"I want to," he replied honestly.

Brendan nodded and used his thumb to wipe away the tear stain on his face.

He restarted his mission determinedly, he knew he could do this. He engulfed Brendans large dick again and worked himself up and down, managing to open up his throat and swallow against Brendan's member, the contractions of his throat muscles made Brendan buck and gasp

"Jesus!"

He was deep throating. He was deep throating Brendan Brady and he liked it. He kept going at an olympic pace, immaculate suction, tight seal, tongue working overtime, he had this in the bag.

"No Steven, wait!" Brendan cried

But he didnt halt his actions and within a second Brendan was shooting his load down his throat. Brendan threw his head back and panted wildly as he tried to compose himself. He made sure he sucked Brendan clean before sitting back on his heels and looking up at the man.

"I've told you not to do that, use a condom or pull off before and use your hand" Brendan chastised as he came down from his explosive orgasm.

"But you do it to me" he protested.

"Thats different"

"Why"

"It just is. I want to keep you safe"

He didn't understand why it was different, surely it was exactly the same, but he didn't want to push it any further. He remained on his knees until Brendan leant forward and pulled him up to his feet, peppering his torso with kisses and then turning him around and doing the same to the small of his back.

"Steven"

"Yeah"

"Ste"

"Yeah?"

"Ste!"

His eyes opened in shock and he was met with Milly's bewildered face, he shot up to a sitting position and looked around completely disorientated. He was in the tv room.

"Easy there blue eyes!" she said lightheartedly.

"What's happening?"

"Nothing, you fell asleep on the sofa, i was just waking you up"

"Oh" he rubbed his eyes. His heart was racing.

She perched on the arm "Must have been a good dream"

"What d'ya mean?" he shot back self consciously

"Ha! I was only messing, it's just you had a smile on your face while you were asleep. Was it a dirty dream?" she wiggled her eyebrows

"No! No! It were nothing, i weren't dreaming about anything" he jumped up from the sofa

"Oh my god you were! Look at your face! Caught red handed" she was giggling wildly

"No! I don't even know, i was just asleep" he cried as his cheeks burned

She burst out laughing "You're blushing! Mmm must have been a good one. Was it about the moustached bad boy?"

"No! i'm going to bed"

"Oh yeah I bet you are! Need some alone time?" she shouted playfully as he scurried out.

He practically sprinted back to his room and shut the door firmly behind him, collapsing against it when he did. Once he'd got himself under control he readied himself for bed and climbed in, lying flat on his back, limbs ungracefully spread eagled out. He could still feel his skin burning with embarrassment, or maybe that was just the heat, it was becoming unbearably hot for an English summer.

He took deep breaths as he felt his heart rate begin to slow and resume a normal beat, his face screwed up as he cringed at getting caught by Milly. He didn't even know where that had come from, he hadn't had a sex dream in forever, it was such a vivid recount of a trist he'd had with Brendan years ago!

He wasn't surprised he had fallen asleep in the tv room, he'd had a troubled and broken sleep last night after everything with Louise and today hadn't been much easier. Brendan, true to his word, arrived at 12 on the dot and stayed the full 5 hours. For the first time since he'd been coming to see him, he felt like he had to put on a front, like he had to lie and it had been exhausting. Thankfully Brendan had swallowed his excuse about a bad night's sleep and had been happy with small talk, eating their lunch in silence and then watching reruns of father ted. It was like Brendan was just content to be in his company no matter what they did or said, like he wouldn't be anywhere else. He felt his eyes becoming heavy as he started to drift off again, half hoping his mind might finish off the last dream it had started.

…..

"I'm good at keeping secrets, that's what my stepdad used to say. 'No need for people to know our business'. Brendan made me keep secrets too, but I wasn't as good at keeping his, that's why he'd get mad at me, he said that's why he had to do the things he did to me."

He was curled up in the armchair in Louise's office, knees up to his chest and chin resting on them. Louise told him that even when he couldn't vocalise his thoughts his body language would tell the story, she said she could read his mood within 10 seconds of seeing him.

"Amy always says I'm a bad liar and she's right, but secrets are different. I've kept a lot of secrets" His voice was faint as he focused on his bitten and jagged nails

"Do you think secrets are good?"

"Maybe. Sometimes they're needed"

"Why is that?"

"Maybe the truth is too bad to come out, too horrible, too embarrassing. Maybe the truth will hurt people"

That's what he'd been telling himself, that the truth was a dirty secret that shouldnt come out. People would be upset, he would be embarrassed, people would judge, Brendan would be angry, Simon would come after him. Yeah, a secret was better than the truth.

"Will the truth hurt you?"

"Dunno. Yes"

"More than you are already?"

He looked her in the eye startled at her bluntness.

"Ste, this secret, it isn't protecting you, it's protecting him. It's important you don't confuse that, nothing about your silence has protected you and it never will"

He continued to stare, dumbfounded. He'd never thought about it like that before.

"There may be difficult and painful conversations to be had, but I guarantee you will be better off for it. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"That people don't believe me."

That would categorically be the worst thing that could happen, 2nd only to what actually happened. He remembered how it was for Jackie, when Cheryl had sacked her because she thought she was lying, the way people would whisper behind her back. How people would debate whether they thought it had happened or not, who should be believed. He didn't want that to be him.

"Would you believe Amy or Doug if they told you it had happened to them?"

He nodded emphatically. Of course, 100%. No doubt in his mind.

"Then why do you think they wouldn't believe you?"

He didn't need to think about that answer either.

"Because they're better than me. They're good people, no one would think they'd lied. People don't like me, they think I'm bad because of the things I've done. Bad things happen to bad people"

He wrapped his arms even tighter around his knees and felt himself rocking slightly trying to self soothe.

"I think that's your mind playing tricks on you, doom scenarios. Imagining the worst possible outcome no matter how ludicrous. You're listening to that nasty little voice in the back of your mind that doesn't want the best for you, it's called anxiety. We all have it at times, but right now yours is a little louder than it should be."

He continued to rock himself in the armchair as he let her words sink in. Anxiety. Another thing that was wrong with him to add to the list. Dyslexia, psychosis, anxiety, self harmer, suicidal.

"Why do you think Brendan wouldn't believe you?"

Now there was a question.

"Cus Simon told him we slept together and I could have told him the truth then but I never. I didn't say nothing, I wanted to but the words just wouldn't come out and then it was too late."

"So you think this man who confessed his undying love for you less than a year ago will think you're a liar too?

He'd gone through the whole sorry saga of him and Brendan in excruciating detail with Louise. At points it felt like he was in some one sided couples therapy session he talked about him so much. Louise never stopped him though, she said it was clear he was a massive part of Ste's life and so it was all relevant.

"He'd be mad at me for not stopping it, for letting it happen. I'm supposed to be a man"

The tears were freely flowing now as used the back of his sleeve to try and wipe them and his running nose. Louise pulled several tissues from the marble tissue box holder on her desk and gently wafted them towards him. He took them gratefully and moped up the mess on his face.

"What someone else chose to do to you is no reflection of who you are as a person. Perhaps you're doing Brendan a disservice by assuming he wouldn't see that"

He considered her words carefully as he took deep laboured breaths. He stared out of the window and waited until he had his tears and emotions under control before continuing.

"The next worst thing would be if he did believe me"

Louise tilted her head and frowned in confusion.

"Why?"

Because if he believes me, He'll kill him.

He shrugged his shoulders, avoiding eye contact with Louise.

She gave a knowing nod as it clicked for her.

"You're worried what he'll do, to Simon"

He nodded faintly, conscious of not giving too much away. He knew this was all confidential, she couldn't tell anyone, couldn't grass on Brendan, but he was still wary.

He knew what Brendan was capable of when he was angry, what he was capable of when he was scared and what he was capable of when protecting people he lov-, cared for. People he cared for.

If Brendan believed him, he would end Simon, he had no doubt about that. Then Brendan would be back in prison and Ste would have to deal with the guilt over Simon's death and Brendan's incarceration on top of everything. Brendan barely made it through prison last time and he was only there 3 months, a life sentence for a revenge murder would finish him.

If he was being honest, he'd thought about Simon dying too. What it would feel like knowing he'd got his punishment, that he could never hurt him or anyone else again. He'd wondered if revenge made it better, if it would free him from the shackles Simon had strapped on him. Deep down it wasn't him though, that's not what was going to help him. He didn't know a lot, but he knew that.

Louise was ever the professional, she never pushed him, lectured him or told him what he should be doing. It wasn't all 'I'm the professional so do what I say because I know best'. Ever since he'd admitted what happened she had tentatively guided him, supported him, tended to his breakdowns, coaxed him into articulating what he was scared of and what was causing him pain.

Now he felt like he knew what he had to do, how he was going to take back control.

He scratched at a spot on the armchair as he cleared his throat.

"If I did it, if I told them. There's something I would need to do first" he pierced her with a determined gaze "Could you help me?"

…

The truth will set you free.

When Amy arrived for visiting on Saturday he had ushered her straight into his room and sat her down on the bed. He'd spent the whole morning pacing back and forth in his room trying to make a plan in his head, how he would start it, how much detail he'd go into. Now he was here it was jumble, there was no plan, no blueprint for this. He'd sat next to her on the bed grabbing her hand in a vice-like grip, she instinctively knew something serious was wrong and remained silent waiting for him to speak whilst softly running her thumb over his skin, for that he was glad.

She'd cried when he told her, she tried her hardest to hold it in but it got the better of her eventually. Amy really was remarkable, he couldn't put into words how lucky he was to have her in his life still, after everything he'd put her through. She loved him, cared for him, fought for him, the fact he'd doubted her loyalty to him made him ashamed right now. She was devastated for him now. He told her about that night, about Simon and Brednan, Simon's lies. She said what he knew she would, he had to tell Brendan. They'd spent the majority of her visit curled up on his bed together, for the first in a long time he'd felt like he wasn't on his own.

He didn't feel free of Simon though, he was starting to realise there was only one way that was going to happen.

So here he was, the very next day.

"Right" Brendan said as he slapped his leg, the universal 'im off' sign.

"You're leaving already?" he asked, dazed and in a slight panic.

He hadn't worked up to telling him, he hadn't managed to go straight into it like he had with Amy. He hadn't managed to find the words when they ate their lunch, hadn't done it in the hour they'd been sitting on this bench in near silence. He'd bottled it.

"Yeah Steven, I told you, it's busy at the club tonight. Cheryl's put some daft over 30's event on and we're understaffed, any crack about me being over 30 and you'll regret it" Brendan warned with humour.

He didn't laugh.

"I'll be back Wednesday, 12 - 5pm. I promise"

"No, no. Wednesdays too late" Ste whispered

"What are you talking about? Too late for what?"

"I need to tell you something"

"Jesus Steven, what is it? You're shaking"

"I need to tell you something that happened, it happened a while ago"

"Ok" Brendan said slowly, with slight apprehension.

"The thing is… I didn't tell you… I couldn't… i couldn't tell you before… but i have to now… otherwise it won't work."

He was stammering and tripping over his words, but he couldn't stop, if he stopped he wouldnt start again, he knew that much.

"It's a mess… but I tried and i didnt mean for all this to happen… but it did…. And if i don't do something now i won't be able to get over it…. Things won't change…it will always be there… I'll never get better."

"Steven, have you been taking your medication?" Brendan questioned sternly, but with concern.

"Yes! Yes. it's nothing to do with that" he cried in frustration

"Hey, hey. Then take a breath and tell me what you need to tell me" Brendan placed his hand on the back of Ste's neck and rubbed it reassuringly. Ste shrugged out of his hold, he couldn't have Brendan touching him when he said this.

"It's his secret not mine, it's his secret not mine" he whispered under his breath trying to work himself up to it.

"Who's secre-"

-"i didn't sleep with Simon" he rushed the words out

"What?

"What he said happened, it didn't happen"

"But you-"

-"he raped me"

The words hung heavily in the air. The silence was stifling. He kept his gaze glued to the floor in front of him, he couldn't bear to look up until Brendan said something.

30 gut wrenching seconds or so went by.

And then Brendan stood up and walked away from Ste without a word or a backward glance.

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