A/N a bit of a shorter chapter this time round, but it means i can get on to the next one asap!

i'm very aware that there very few people still interested in stendan fics, so the fact that there are still a few people reading and even reviewing is a real treat. Im writing this because i had the idea and im enjoying it, but it's nice to know some others do too!.

Chapter 3

The bitterly cold January night air whipped against Ste's face as he straggled through the streets of the village. He was heading home but felt like he was wandering aimlessly in circles, not able to focus on anything or have a coherent thought. He couldn't walk too quickly, his body still in pain with every movement he made, but he slowly took in his surroundings. The streets were empty, not even Saturday night revellers were still out at this time, Ste was utterly alone, in more ways than one.

As he approached Chez chez, Ste stared up at the establishment and was flooded by memories that the place held for him, memories of one person in particular. He looked up the stairs behind him that led to Oakdale Drive and the house he'd been in so many times, Brendans's home.

He thought about going up the stairs, so much so that his feet unconsciously started moving towards them. He thought about running up there, banging on the door and waiting for Brendan to answer, throwing himself in his arms and letting him take care of him. Letting Brendan make everything better, that's what Brendan was always saying he wanted to do, look out for Ste, protect him, well now Ste needed him to. He needed Brendan to look after him more than he'd ever needed anyone before, Brendan was strong, he'd know what to do, he'd know how to help. Every part of him wanted to run up there, but Brendan didn't care about Ste anymore, he'd made that crystal clear, he hated him and he'd probably take great delight in Ste's misery. He'd probably laugh at him, ridicule him for being so weak and then he'd slam the door in his face. In some twisted way, Ste felt like Brendan abandoning him right now would be worse than what had just happened to him. He'd been humiliated enough tonight and he couldn't take anymore, so he slowly retreated from the steps and continued on to the alleyway.

Ste had felt numb the entire walk home, he hadn't even felt the cold, but as soon as he walked through his front door he began to shake uncontrollably. He tried to pour himself a glass of water but almost dropped it as he brought it to his lips. He suddenly had the urgent need to rip off his clothes and jump in the shower, his fingers fumbled with the buttons on his coat before he cast it to the ground. He pulled his jumper over his head, toed off his trainers and pulled his tracksuit bottoms off, almost tripping over them as he made his way to the bathroom. He turned the shower on before removing his boxers, freezing as he brought them to his ankles, the white Calvin Klein shorts were stained with bright red blood on the seat. He kicked them away and pulled off his socks before jumping straight into the shower and settling under the scorching hot water flow. The water was far too hot but the scolding sensation on his skin helped distract from the thoughts in his head. Ste watched as the skin on his body turned pink and then red and steam filled the bathroom until he could barely see a foot in front of him. He grabbed the soap and started ferociously scrubbing his skin in a desperate attempt to feel clean, he stepped further under the stream of water and winced as the flow trailed down his back and over his bum causing the stinging sensation to reignite. Ste lent his forehead against the wall tiles and rested his palms on them too, looking down between his legs he saw the blood tinged water start to swill around his feet, and then finally he couldn't hold it in any longer. His eyes filled with tears and he began to sob uncontrollably, gasping for breath and letting out little wails of anguish as he did.

He didn't know how long he'd been standing there for but the hot water had run out and he'd been under freezing cold water for long enough to cause his body to shake wildly and his body to be covered in goosebumps. He turned the taps off and slowly reached for a towel to wrap around his waist and another to bury his face into. Once he was out of the shower he made his way to his room and closed the door behind him, discarding the towels on the floor he grabbed the first jogging bottoms and hoodie he found. He could hear birds chirping now although the sun still hadn't risen, which he was grateful for, Ste curled up on his bed over the covers, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and cried himself to sleep.

The sun was streaming through the threadbare curtains and into his eyes, Ste flinched as his eyes flickered open to the beams of light before he turned over to shield himself. The last five mornings had all begun in the same way, for the first minute or so he'd be in the limbo between sleep and wake and he wouldn't think about it, the memory hadn't yet crept into his mind and soured it. Then like clockwork he would remember, it would all come flooding back and he would wish he hadn't woken up at all. It had been 5 days since it happened, 5 days since Ste's world had changed, 5 days since he'd stopped having the will to live. He hadn't left the flat since he'd returned home that night, the curtains had remained closed, there was barely any food in which didn't matter as he hadn't had any sort of appetite. He'd consumed every drop of alcohol that was in the flat by the end of day 2, which was probably for the best. Really all he'd done in the last 5 days was shower several times a day and lie in bed replaying every minute of that day, over and over again in his head trying to work out where it had gone so wrong.

Amy had called a couple of times so he could talk to the kids. It had taken every ounce of strength he had to put on an act and speak to them cheerily, asking how their day was. He'd managed to avoid anything more than a few words with Amy thankfully, she wouldn't have been as easy to fob off. He shifted on the sofa that he was lying on in the dark and winced at the soreness he still felt, it was a constant reminder of that night, one he couldn't shower away. He's experienced a bit of soreness the past, both brendan and Noah (the only men he'd ever slept with) were well endowed guys, and their sessions could get pretty passionate and frantic (mainly with brendan) so a bit of post-coital tenderness wasn't a foreign concept to him, but it had never been like this. Neither had ever forced their way in to him, neither had ever forgone lube, neither had carried on if he showed any sign of discomfort let alone pain, neither would ever have wanted to hurt him like that. At times, with Brendan, because their trysts were in secret and stolen moments, they didn't always have the supplies they needed to hand, Ste would get so swept up in the moment that he'd tell Brendan to forget the lube and just use spit instead, but he never would, he'd rather limit their interaction to an all consuming kiss than commit to an act that Ste wouldnt enjoy 100%.

Ste couldn't help but think about their first time together, his first time ever with a man, in this very flat. Ste had been shaking with anticipation and trepidation, still wounded from Brendans fists after their first interaction in the cellar, but Brendan treated him like he was made of glass. The kisses were fervent, the gazes intense, but Brendan was so careful with him, continuously checking that Ste was still happy with what was happening, that he was reassured. After he'd received the best blow job he could ever imagine and given the second one of his life (which Brendan seemed to enjoy despite Ste's inexperience), he'd lay on his back whilst Brendan kissed every inch of his skin and slowly eased Ste over onto his front.

"What are you doing?" He'd questioned with a hint of apprehension in his voice. Brendan didn't reply, just continued to pepper Ste's back with kisses, and run his hands down Ste's flanks, settling them on the globes of Ste's bum.

"Brendan….. Not that"

"Not what?" Brendan asked with slight amusement

"I know what you're trying to do, i'm not stupid" Ste said with more confidence than he actually had at that moment. He knew what blokes did in bed together, the thought of something going up there made him uneasy to say the least.

Brendan smirked and huffed a laugh out against Ste's skin.

"I don't think you're stupid Steven"

"I don't want to do that" Ste said a little more shakily, worried he was doing or saying the wrong thing and was going to put Brendan off.

Brendan stopped what he was doing and rested his chin on the small of Ste's back

"Listen, I won't do anything you don't want me to, you say stop, and i'll stop, but let me show you what it can feel like. Do you trust me?"

No was the logical answer, he didn't understand Brendan at all and couldn't predict a single thing about him, but here in this moment, he trusted him completely. So he softly nodded his head into the pillow.

Brendan slowly parted his bum cheeks and ran his tongue up and down the middle lightly brushing Ste's hole with each action. He would interrupt the movement only to softly bite one of ste's cheeks and then follow it with a kiss. Then he began probing Ste's hole with his tongue, Ste was stunned into silence, half appalled by the dirty thing Brendan was willingly doing with his mouth and half mesmerised with just how amazing it felt. He was going deeper and deeper causing Ste to stuff his face into the pillow to try and muffle the moans that were escaping his mouth and embarrassing him. Brendan spent about 10 minutes devouring Ste's hole, making him squirm on the bed, the friction on his dick almost making him cum for a second time. Brendan then removed himself from the bed to grab something from his pocket and climbed back between Ste's legs, after a couple of seconds Ste felt a cold sensation that made him jump but one of Brendans hands was suddenly rubbing up and down his back in a soothing motion.

"Its ok, i'll stop if you want me to" he heard Brendan whisper

He didn't try and stop him, he had a weird curiosity about what Brendan wanted to do to him. He felt an overwhelming sense of intrusion as Brendan slowly slipped a finger into him, he clamped down on instinct rather than fear, causing Brendan to stop momentarily, before resuming the action. After the first couple of minutes which felt insanely weird and unnatural he began to loosen up and kind of enjoyed the feeling. One finger became two, which became three before Brendan withdrew completely and Ste heard the foil of a condom packet open and quickly looked back over his shoulder to see Brendan rolling the condom on and lining himself up, they locked eyes and shared a moment before Brendan pulled back and told Ste to turn over. He did as he was told and watched Brendan reposition himself before looking back into Ste's eyes, Ste realised he was looking for the green light so he gave a little nod and Brendan began to inch himself into Ste, causing Ste to whimper and crash his forehead into Brendan's shoulder. Brendan took his weight onto his forearms and ran his fingers through Ste's hair as he kissed his temple, "it's ok, just breathe" he assured him.

After that initial pain and discomfort it began to feel amazing, Ste couldn't imagine that sex could ever feel this good, it was out of this world. Their sex had continued to be incredible despite their turbulent relationship, and what stayed consistent was the way Brendan treated him when they were intimate, like he was special, something to be treasured and looked after.

He'd had no such treatment on Saturday night.

He looked at his phone and saw a message from Amy

From: Amy

Hey, sorry i haven't got the kids to call today but they're flat out after taking them to the zoo! We're coming home tomorrow though, they can't wait to see you! Hope the flat's in a good condition when we're home ;P

Any luck on the job front? You can fill me in tomorrow. Love you! x xxx

Ste groaned, he needed to pull himself together and put this behind him, no one could ever know about what happened, he needed to get over it.