A/N

Trigger warning: self harm / mental health

Chapter 11

Ste POV

"Amy? Amy? Can you hear me?"

He scrunched his face up in a frown as he strained to hear down the phone.

"Yeah sorry Ste, the kids are on a complete sugar high from this party they went to at the neighbours" she said, sighing loudly. "Can't get a moment's peace"

He could hear Lucas in the background singing

"Is he singing Humpty Dumpty again?"

"Oh god don't get me started, ever since you brought that new toy down for him last week he's not stopped. Morning, noon and night. I didn't think I could hate a nursery rhyme as much as I do right now" she laughed down the phone.

"Well at least he likes it! I guess" he offered. He'd loved seeing the kids at the weekend, he'd been convinced that they would be weird with him, that they would have forgotten him, even though it had only been 3 weeks since they'd gone, but he'd never gone that long without seeing them since they were really really small. Obviously he'd been overacting and they were excited to see him, but the fear still remained that slowly he'd become someone they barely knew.

"Hold on, Leah wants to speak to you"

"Daddy!"

"Hey Leah. You enjoy your party?"

"Yeah, mummy said I couldn't take Britney, so we're having a tea party now. I wish you could come"

"Me too princess"

"Lucas is here. Lucas it's daddy" she must have passed the phone over to him

"Daddy i've got to tell you" his son chirped down the phone

"Tell me what?"

"Humpty humpty sat on the wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty together again!"

He couldn't help but smile "That's good Lucas! Really good, but maybe sing something else next yeah?"

"No! humpty!" replied the little voice

He could hear Amy groaning in the background.

"Alright little man, love you. Put mummy back on the phone now"

He heard some background noise before Amy came back on

"Honestly Ste that toy may find its way into the attic beforelong. Anyway, how are you, how's the deli?"

"Yeah good, all just normal" he tried to keep his voice light but his throat felt tighter.

"Hmmm, somehow I find that hard to believe. Hollyoaks village is never normal"

At that moment he could hear a beeping on the line.

"Sorry Ste, that's my dad calling, i've got to go, speak later, love you!"

"Yeah ok, Love -" the line went dead. "You" he whispered.

He sat on his bed in silence for the rest of the evening, thinking, waiting. Waiting for something that didn't come. He knew it wouldn't, knew he'd gotten his hopes up. He'd dared to think that maybe, just maybe he wasn't so alone after all. He slid down further down the bed and hugged his pillow tight to his chest. Silly Ste, always wishing for help when it isn't coming, just like when he was a kid.

—-

The weather was warming up with summer on the way, they were having an unusually warm May and the deli was becoming balmy with all the cooking going on in the kitchen. Doug wedged the door open with a stop.

"We should think about getting aircon, the hotter months will be torture"

"Doug, it's warm for like 5 days in England. This int' america"

'Dude we can't be sweating when we're making and serving food, it's gross and probably against some sort of hygiene code. I know you're like cold blooded or whatever but i'm not"

"Cold blooded?" he looked over at the american in confusion

"Yeah, you're always cold, look, you're still wearing a long sleeve shirt when we specifically bought these short sleeve ones for the summer" Doug gestured at his own blue summer shirt.

He started to play with the cuffs of his shirt, anxious at the attention on his sleeves, knowing what lay underneath them. Just at that moment Cheryl breezed through the open door, saving him from further scrutiny.

"Morning Boys" she cooed

"Hey Cheryl!" Doug replied.

He raised a small smile at her "Hiya, latte?"

"Yes please love. How are you? Both of you?" She strode up to the fresh food counter which he was behind and leant her elbows and forearms on it, resting her chin on them whilst Doug was busy in the corner making her coffee.

"Yeah fine" he said, busying himself with finishing some wraps.

She frowned with concern. "Heard from Amy?"

"Yeah, I went down at the weekend to see her and the kids" he smiled fondly at the memory.

"Aw and how were they? They must have loved seeing you"

"They did, it were great, just like it was" he replied softly.

"Ahg i'm so glad for you, when Lyndsay said you weren't looking so great i was worried but you seem to be doing just fine" she laughed.

"Woah, has Lyndsey been saying he looks like crap? I wouldnt have that Ste" Doug teased. "Heres your latte Cheryl"

Why was Lyndsay talking about him, who was she talking too? Why do people have to stick their noses in, why can't they just leave him be?. he bristled at the thought.

"No, she was just worried, but now you say it, you are looking a bit thin, are you eating properly now the kids have gone?"

"I said this the other day! For a chef he never eats a goddamn thing!"

"You're actually looking a bit pale too, are you sleeping?

"I'm fine! I'm eating, I'm sleeping, I'm just fine!" he snapped

Both Cheryl and Doug were looking at him bemused before looking uncomfortably at each other.

Doug shifted nervously "Err Ste, we didn't mean anything, we just tho-"

"Yeah i know what you thought ok" He threw the last of the wraps into the glass cove of the deli counter "i'll be back later" he yanked his apron off and walked out into the village.

He tore through the village with a rage inside him that subdued after a few minutes as he quickly became out of breath, god he was getting unfit, he ended up walking aimlessly until he found himself in the folly. He sat down on the stone and observed the silence. He thought about how he'd snapped at Cheryl and Doug, he thought about the kids and Amy in Manchester, he thought about Brendan, about Kevin, he thought about Simon.

He needed his friend. But his friend was nowhere to be seen. Gone again.

The sun was going down, the heat was dissipating, he shivered and wiped his head where a sheen of sweat had emerged. He heaved himself off his seat and started off back to the village to help close up the deli. As he was walking into the village he could see police vans outside the club and a flurry of activity, Doug was leaning in the deli doorway staring at the commotion. He walked up to him, keeping his eyes on the club.

"What's happening?"

"Ste! Are you ok? Look i'm sorry about before"

"It's fine, forget it." he replied curtly, not looking at Doug. " What happened?" he repeated.

"The police just showed up about 20 minutes ago, they went in pretty heavy handed, some sort of raid."

"Anyone come out?"

"Nope"

Doug walked back in leaving him standing in the doorway looking up at the club. All of a sudden a plain clothed police officer appeared in the doorway leading Brendan out by his arm and into the back of a waiting police car. Brendan looked out the window and directly at him, stared at him so intently that he felt the hairs on the back of his neck go up, he couldn't look away. Eventually Brendan broke the gaze as he looked forward when the car drove off. It reminded him of the time Brendan was arrested for Rebecca's murder and he'd watched the police bring Brendan and Warren out of the club in cuffs. Their friendship, if you could call it that, had been tempestuous at that time too, he hadn't gone to him, hadn't asked after him, he'd simply gone back to Noah and put Brendan and his antics out of his mind, today he'd do the same.

…..

"What are you humming?"

"Huh?" he looked up absentmindedly

"That tune, is that, is that humpty dumpty?"

"Oh, i didnt realise i was, Lucas is obsessed with it right now" he looked away self consciously "sorry" Lucas would sing it down the phone every time he called, it was stuck in his head.

"Whatever gets you through buddy.. Is it me or is it hotter today?"

"I think it's a bit colder today" He used the back of his hand to wipe his sweaty forehead and shuddered as he felt a chill.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you sweating so much?" Doug eyed him critically.

"I'm not"

"Dude, seriously you are so clammy looking!"

"It's from the oven" he protested

"Whatever you say. Have you heard anything about what happened at the club yesterday?"

"No, why would i?" he bit back

"Chill, i just thought maybe cheryl had got in touch"

"None of my business"

"Ok miss diva. On that note I'm gonna get going, I'm meeting Texas in the SU Bar if you fancy it after you've closed up?"

"No."

Doug rolled his eyes as he removed his apron and hung it up, he gave a tight smile before nodding in his direction as a goodbye.

He knew Doug was a good friend, but he felt himself putting up a wall with him and their friendship was becoming more and more strained. Doug thought he still felt resentment towards him because of the loan with Brendan and because of the car crash date he's set up with Matt, it made him feel guilty that Doug blamed himself for the divide. He was the problem, he was always the problem.

"Are you still open?"

He was roused from his thoughts by Kevin.

"Yeah"

"Good. i need one of those meat feast pizzas"

"Please" he grumbled under his breath. He began making the order and they remained in silence.

"Just picking up dinner, for me and Brendan" Kevin

He refused to acknowledge the lad's words.

"Suppose you know about all the stuff at the club yesterday"

He grunted a response.

"Someone gave a tipoff to the police that there were drugs stashed in the club for dealing. Load of rubbish though, Brendan sorted it."

"He always does," he muttered sarcastically.

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he? He's taking me away to a hotel for the night for my birthday, its my 23rd"

"Why are you getting food here then? Not going to some fancy hotel restaurant?" he replied sardonically.

Kevin smiled a shit-eating grin "Well i'm sure we will, but my birthday isn't till thursday, that's when we're going"

Brendan did love a hotel, he used to take him all the time. Granted, it was to hide him away, have him where no one would find them, but it used to feel special all the same. The first time Brendan had told him to wait outside the village walls for him, He'd done the early shift at the club, finished at 7pm and walked to the spot and waited. Brendan pulled up in his Mercedes and he slipped into the passenger seat and looked at the older man who smiled.

"You ready?"

He nodded emphatically. They'd driven to Liverpool, it was a large, fancy hotel, with a huge reception that had high ceilings and the biggest fish tank he'd ever seen behind the reception desk. Brendan had told him to go straight to the bar and wait whilst he checked them in, it was meant to imply he was being gentlemanly, but he knew it was because he didn't want anyone to see him checking into a deluxe king room with another man by his side. Brendan had joined him in the bar where he already had a whisky waiting for him and a beer for himself. When they'd decided to make their way up, Brendan had gone to pay and realised that he had already taken care of the round, the irishman looked surprised,

"Why didn't you just charge it to the room?"

He shrugged "didnt know which one it was"

"You don't need to pay for anything with me" he said admonishingly

He looked around uncomfortable and shrugged again, pulling at his sleeves and fiddling with his hands like he always did when he was nervous. Brendan put his hand at the bottom of his back lightly and guided him to the lifts, a move so subtle no one else would have noticed.

Once they walked into the room, he'd gone straight over the window and looked out, they were on the 11th floor and he could see the city for miles, then he ran over to the bathroom and picked up all the bottles studying their names, he was pretty sure it was a well known brand.

"Bren, there's a tv in the bath!"

He went back into the bedroom and over to the minibar, surveying its content. Brendan was taking his blazer off and looking at him in amusement.

"It's just a standard hotel room Steven"

"I've never been in a hotel room before"

"What? You've never been to a hotel? Come on, surely"

He shook his head.

"Did you just go to caravan parks when you were a kid?"

"What do you mean?"

"For holidays"

"I've never been on holiday"

Brendan stopped pouring his drink and looked at him, he'd picked up the control and was flicking through the channels on the huge tv. Next thing he knew Brendan was right by his side and softly hooked his fingers under his chin and brought his face around to look at him. Brendan's eyes were warm and he ghosted his fingers over his face delicately. Sometimes Brendan could be so soft and gentle with him it was slightly unnerving, like he was waiting for the next punch that could come out of nowhere, but that didn't happen that night. Instead Brendan had treated him like he was something special, like he was something to behold and treasure. He'd made love to him, each time passionate and tender, afterwards he held him tightly, so close he didn't think it was possible to even be that close to someone. Brendan kissed him tenderly on his temple, his shoulder, the back of his neck, any piece of skin he could get to. If he really thought about it, that was the night he'd fallen in love with Brendan Brady.

"Does that beeping mean it's ready?"

He jumped at the sounds of Kevin's voice. Shit, He'd been lost in his thoughts.

"Err yeah". He mumbled

Kevin gave him a withering look.

He packaged up the fresh pizza in a box and placed it on the counter.

"That's 12 quid please"

Kevin handed over a £50 note.

He looked at him in exasperation "Do you not have anything smaller?"

"No, it's all Brendan had on him. He was in too much of a rush to find anything else, desperate for me to grab dinner and get back for our night in with Cheryl"

His breath caught in his throat and felt like he'd just been punched in the stomach, Kevin wasn't one of Brendans play things, he was his boyfriend. Brendan was going to spend an evening eating pizza with Kevin and his beloved, playing happy families, like a proper couple. He had begged Bredan for morsels and he was giving Kevin the whole damn feast. That was how much Kevin meant to Brendan, or how little he had meant. His bottom lip started to quiver and he repeated to himself in his head don't cry don't cry don't cry. He couldn't let Kevin see how much his words had just affected him, how much they'd devastated him. Brendan had moved on, not just found a new toy but found someone to be with, someone to share pizza with in front of his family, he was never that person for him, Brendan would rather beat him black and blue than have him be that person for him.

He was used to feeling worthless, he'd felt worthless all his life, his mam and step dad had seen to that. That's why he used to hurt Amy, because he was worthless and he was sure she'd realise it too one day and leave him. Sometimes Brendan had a way of making him feel more than worthless, like he meant something, but that was all in his head, because he meant nothing to Brendan now, nothing at all.

He sniffed deeply, shook the thoughts from his head and handed Kevin his change without making eye contact. Kevin beamed at him, winked and walked back out the door and towards Brendan and Cheryl's flat.

He sunk back against the wall and held his arms flat by his side and stared up at the ceiling and slowly closed his eyes. Alone again.

He locked up early, desperate to get back home. He needed his box, which reminded him he'd run out of antiseptic wipes a few days ago. He needed to stop by slice price.

He rushed in and over to the medicine section, there was an empty area where the antiseptic wipes and lotion usually was. Fuck.

"Have you got anymore of these in stock?"

The cashier barely looked at him and shook her head.

He sighed in frustration and looked around for something else that might work, nothing.

"Hiya Ste, I thought that was you. Have you hurt yourself" Lyndsey appeared out of nowhere in the next aisle.

"What?" he asked, startled, what did she know?

"Antiseptic wipes" she gestured at the shelves

"Oh no, I just don't have any. Always good to have with the kids" he said hurriedly.

"The kids are in Manchester aren't they?" she pressed

He felt his hackles rise "what's it got to do with you?" Nosey cow

"Ste" she said in shock "are you ok?"

"I'm fine! I just want to be left alone, I want everyone to just leave me alone!" he sprinted out of the shop and fled home.

Once he barged through the front door he ran straight to his room, pulled his box from under the bed and yanked his sleeve up. The cuts on his left arm were more tender than they usually were a few days after being made, he managed to find a spot though, held the blade and pulled it along his skin before slumping onto the bed and letting the tears fall freely.

"Oh Ste, what are you doing to yourself?"

"Where were you? I waited for you"

"I can't be here all the time"

"But i needed you, i dont have anyone else"

"What about Doug? Cheryl? Amy and the kids are just a phone call away"

"No. they don't understand"

"You could tell them, then they'd understand"

"I can't. I just can't"

"Ste"

"You said you'd help me! you said you'd make it better"

"I am. I'm trying to"

"I just need you, you're the only one i can talk to"

"Well I'm here now. Why don't you put that away?"

He nodded tentatively

"You look pale. Come with me, we can even watch one of those gangster films you like"

"But you hate them"

"You don't though"

—-

He sat curled up on the armchair, a lukewarm mug of tea in his hand as Goodfellas played on the TV. He was startled by a knock on the front door, the curtains were closed but the lights were on so he couldn't pretend he wasn't in.

He hesitated as another knock came, wondering who it might be. A third knock.

"Steven! Steven, I know you're in there! I just need to talk to you" Brendan spoke through the letterbox.

He shuffled to the front door and leant against the wall beside it

"Go away Brendan" he called through the closed door

"Steven, i just want to talk to you"

"About what?"

"I'm not having this conversation through a door, open it. Please"

He rolled his eyes, he knew Brendan well enough to know he wasn't going anywhere until he had his own way. He twisted the lock on the door, but left the chain in place, opening the door a crack and peering through.

"What is it?"

"What's going on here?" Brendan pointed at the chain.

"Don't want people getting in here whenever they like, do I?" He scoffed. Brendan had an irritating habit of accessing his flat anytime he fancied.

"OK, well not that i don't commend the less cavalier attitude to home safety, but i think you can take it off and talk to me properly"

"I can hear you just fine"

"Steven, stop being so difficult will you?!" Brendan was losing his temper

He tried to shut the door again but Brendan had predicted his movements and automatically jammed his foot in the door and curled his hand around the door edge.

"Move your foot! I'm not going to open the door!"

"You know i could kick this door down without breaking a sweat if i wanted to" it wasn't a threat, wasn't even said with menace, it was more of a fact.

He narrowed his eyes at the Irishman "is that meant to be making me want to open this?"

Brendan sighed and looked at the floor whilst he drummed his fingers that were curled around the door,

"Ok, ok, I hear ya. I'm going to move my foot out of the door, please don't shut it on me."

He eyed the man suspiciously, it was not in Brendans nature to be reasonable, especially if he wasn't getting his own way. Brendan slowly pulled his foot away, followed by his hand.

"Let's both just stay calm yeah, no need for us to get worked up is there?" Brendan said awkwardly. They both visibly relaxed a bit.

"I was going to ask if I could come in for a tea, but I think I know what the answer's going to be" he huffed a laugh.

He remained silent.

"Right, ok, ok yeah. How are you?"

"Fine"

"You didn't seem fine earlier. Lynsey said she's worried about you"

"Why?"

"You know what women are like"

"No need for her to be. I'm-"

"Fine, yesh, you said" Brendan finished curtly.

"Was that all?"

"No. Steven, I just want to talk" The older man's voice was soft again.

"You said plenty last time we talked"

"Ahg Steven I was angry, what did you expect?" Brendan cried exhaustedly

"I don't expect anything from you" His reply was sullen.

"I just…. I just…. I don't know! I was shocked"

"I need to go now" he still refused to make eye contact

"Surely you can talk to me for a bit longer"

"No"

"Steven"

"We're busy"

"We?"

Shit. He'd slipped up. "What?" he replied nervously

"You said we're busy, have you got someone over?"

"No" he shook his head vigorously

"Is that why you won't let me in?" his voice was louder again.

"It's nothing like that. I'm alone"

"Then why won't you let me in? Who is it? Walker?! That estate agent?!"

He could see the fury rising in Brendan so he quickly slammed the door shut and locked it.

Brendan smashed his fist into it a number of times before leaving abruptly.

He collapsed on the sofa with his face buried in his hands.

"Stay away from him Ste, he's poison"

"You've never liked him"

"With good reason"

"He thinks i'm sleeping with other people"

"He treats you like property"

"He doesn't even care about me anymore"

"He's toxic"

"Dont"

"If you trust him, why can't you tell him?"

"I can't tell anyone, you know that"

"You told me"

"You're different. I can tell you anything"

"Yes, you can. Finish the film?"

He nodded and settled back on the sofa and pressed play, he had no more fight left.