CHAPTER 19

Saint Louis, MO February 1862

Jimmy's favorite mornings were the ones where he woke to find Lou had cuddled up to him, her head resting on his chest and his arm around her. He would wait for her to wake up and she would smile sheepishly before extracting herself from his embrace. It never went further than that, but it was enough to see her wake up in his arms with a smile on her face. A day or two before they reached Missouri, that changed. He had woken to the sound of her retching and found her bent over a trash bucket. Her morning sickness had begun.

Louise was glad they were able to take a break from traveling. When her sickness had come on, being on the train became almost unbearable. The cramped quarters, the smells. She knew she hadn't been very pleasant to be around herself. It was a relief to stand out in the sun and stretch her legs.

The city was under martial law and the Union soldiers seemed to be keeping things tight. If anything it was a bit suffocating, the level of order with which the people seemed to move through the streets. Saint Louis, like Boston, was a real city bustling with activity, streets stretching for miles, lined with large stone buildings. Instead of cobblestones and the smell of salt water there were packed dirt roads and the river. She looked in the direction of the Mississippi. It wasn't the same as the Atlantic but it brought back memories of being on the water, blue as far as she could see, Jack. She wiped at the tears that came unexpectedly.

She continued to observe the city from the boardwalk in front of their hotel. Jimmy made her promise to stay here while he and Teaspoon went to get tickets for the steamboat that would take them all the way to Nebraska. Buck went to check on their horses which had been boarded at the livery and Cara had asked to tag along. Rachel and Jake were somewhere. It felt strange to be alone after so much time in close quarters with others. Missouri was a lot warmer than it had been in the northeast and she basked in the strong sun, in no rush to lock herself inside again anytime soon.

"Lou?"

She turned in the direction of the unfamiliar voice and locked eyes with a man about her age. Blonde haired, blue eyed, and dressed in a Union uniform, he stared at her, mouth agape. Cody had received word a couple weeks ago that Teaspoon and the boys had a lead on Lou and had went to investigate. He assumed it was a longshot and hadn't dared to hope. And here she was. She wore a simple dark skirt and white blouse and her long hair tumbled over her shoulders and down her back. She looked more woman than Cody had ever seen her.

"Louise?" He called her again. Was he imagining things?

She quickly searched her limited memory for who this might be. The long blonde hair, the uniform. It could only be William Cody, one of the other riders. Cody, they called him.

Tentatively she said his name, but it was enough. He quickly embraced her in a hug that lifted her off her feet.

"What happened? Where have you been? Are Teaspoon and the others here?" The barrage of questions came at her and she just stood there, trying to catch her breath.

"They're here. I…" What should I say? "I don't remember."

His forehead crinkled in uncertainty. "You don't remember?" He watched her worry her bottom lip before meeting his eyes again. "You don't remember me," he realized. "Shit, Lou. Where are the others?"

"Jimmy Hickok, I hear you're traveling west!"

Jimmy would recognize that voice anywhere. "Cody! What in the hell…" He turned around and his suspicions were confirmed. There stood his old friend, decked out in his scouting uniform and dragging Lou behind him. He pulled Cody into a hug and made eye contact with Lou. She seemed fine, if a bit overwhelmed.

"I appreciate the sentimentality but what I could really use are some answers."

Jimmy nodded, knowing exactly what Cody meant. "Well, Teaspoon and the others are around here somewhere. Let's find them first and we'll fill you in." He wrapped Lou's arm around his and led them away from the river. Cody noticed how he pulled Lou close, very protective like. "You got to report somewhere or anything?"

"Not till tomorrow morning," Which is good 'cause this seems like it might be a long story.

Cody followed his friend as he wound in and out of their fellow pedestrians. It was a bright sunny day with clear skies and the people of Saint Louis were out in droves. They finally stopped in front of the same hotel where he'd found Louise.

"Just give us a minute and I'll be back out," Jimmy assured him before taking Lou inside. Cody tried to watch through the hotel windows to see what they were doing in there. This was strange. Lou definitely wasn't acting herself, but her and Jimmy sure seemed close. And he had definitely said I'll be back out, not we'll be back out.

"Cody?"

"Buck! Finally! Can somebody give me some damn answers?" It took him a second to realize that the pretty red head was also with Buck. He quickly introduced them before she excused herself to check on Louise. Cody watched her walk into the hotel before turning his attention back to his old friend. "Where the hell was Lou? Why don't she remember me? And who is that woman? Buck, what the hell is going on?"

"It's a long story."

"I knew you were gonna say that." Cody rubbed his temples; he felt a headache coming on. "Just tell me, is Lou alright?"

"She's okay." He reassured Cody by putting his hand on his shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze. "It's a hard story to tell, Cody. But she's alright."

"She looks like such a woman," he said with a bit of a lump in his throat.

Cody went through the same emotional reunion with Rachel before he could sit down and hear the story of Lou's rescue. It was a happy but strange reunion and he knew they were being evasive. Finally he was able to sit down with Teaspoon and the other men who had been his fellow riders. They found a booth in the hotel bar where they could get comfortable and have some privacy. He knew things were serious when Teaspoon ordered a bottle for the table and even Buck took a drink.

"It ain't a believable story, but it's a true one," Teaspoon started.

They spoke about impossible things and Cody tried at every turn to give their story a rational explanation. If he objected to something Teaspoon said, Jimmy would tell him how it was all true. If he questioned Jimmy's judgment where Lou was involved, Buck let him know that he'd seen it too. If he asked a question, the three of them had the same answer. The only thing he could effectively make sense of was Lou shooting her captor in the chest, effectively saving herself after all this time. If not for the trust and respect that had been built between the four of them over the years, or the pain he could clearly see in each man's eyes, he would never have believed them.

"Rachel, Cara, Colter. They'll all tell you the same thing. Just promise me you won't go asking Lou. I don't want her to have to relive any of this," Jimmy demanded.

"It's been almost a year," he finally said.

"I know."

"She's having a baby."

"Yep."

"She's alive."

The four of them sat there for a long time feeling the pain, the loss, the relief, and the joy.

They all knew that tonight's dinner in the hotel would be their last meal together before they had to split up for the remainder of the journey back to sweetwater. Louise used the time to take stock of her diverse group of companions. Cara had been with her from the beginning and, at several points during the last few months, she felt the girl had been her one true friend. Rachel was a truly beautiful woman and, while that could have made her vain, she was compassionate and intelligent. Louise understood why she would have been her trusted confidant. The old marshal was a character and he had a funny way of speaking in circles but she thought his gruff manner belied a great deal of wisdom and she could see how much Jimmy valued and respected him. She hadn't spent as much time with the others but she suspected they were all good men. Even Colter seemed to be more than what he portrayed on the surface. Then she turned to Jimmy. He had become her lifeline, and she was beginning to think that maybe she was his too. When she thought of raising her child among these people, she felt fortunate.

The mood at dinner felt bittersweet, a happy reunion cut short. While seven of them would be making their journey home, Cody was returning to his new obligations with the Union Army. There were risks ahead for all of them.

Before he left them, Cody swept Lou up into his arms and asked her to seriously consider naming her first born after him. "Cody could work for a girl," he told her. He kissed Rachel goodbye, and wished the rest of them safe travels. Tomorrow they would board a steamer and travel on the mighty Missouri, a river known for swallowing boats. With luck they would make it to Nebraska City in about ten days.

Louise sat on the carpet at the foot of her bed, head in her hands, and tried to swallow back the nausea rising in the back of her throat. She felt Jimmy's hand rest on her shoulder and watched him put a glass of water at her feet, telling her it was there when she needed it. She smiled weakly and he went back to packing their things. For the past few days she'd observed the way Jimmy took care of her. He didn't care that it was someone else's child in her womb making her sick. It wasn't lust she saw in his eyes when he looked at her; it was so much more complete than that. She thought that she was starting to understand what it really meant to love someone.

Eventually the queasiness passed and she sipped some water before pulling herself up off the floor.

'Better?"

"Mm-hmm."

Jimmy tried to hide the stupid grin that appeared whenever he heard Lou's familiar lilt. Lately, her northern accent had begun to fade and she'd been slipping more and more into her old vernacular. She didn't seem to notice and he hadn't brought it up, not wanting to embarrass her. But he liked it.

By the time the two of them made it down for breakfast, the others had finished and were sipping their coffees patiently. Colter had washed and changed his clothes and Jimmy couldn't remember ever seeing him look more civilized.

"Did you shave?"

"For the ladies." One lady in particular, he thought.

Teaspoon was the first to rise from the table. "Well, let's get going. It's been a while since I've been on a steamer," he told them. "And I ain't never traveled as a cabin passenger before, though. Thanks to Miss Louise." He tipped his hat and Louise couldn't stop herself from blushing.

Wealth was not something Jimmy had experience with but he was grateful for it now. As they boarded the ship they passed the people on the lower decks, crammed in with cargo and livestock. This is where their horses were stowed. He wouldn't have minded being in this mess with the other unwashed bodies but he knew they were far safer in the cabins on the upper decks.

"This doesn't seem right," Lou whispered to him as they ascended the stairs to the upper decks.

"It's not. But we can't do much about it right now," he told her.

"It reminds me of the boat I came here on," Cara said as she scanned the people below. "I'm glad it's not us, as bad as that sounds," she admitted to them.

Jimmy could read the uncertainty in Lou's face and he slipped his hand in hers, pulling her closer as they continued into the ship. It was adorned everywhere with gleaming wood and brass. The walls were painted with rich, deep reds and forest greens. Lanterns glowed and gave warmth to the hallways and common areas. It was like a floating hotel, Jimmy thought. He walked past all of it quickly, leading Louise along to the room they would share together, just as they had on the train and in Saint Louis.

Louise flung off her coat and kicked off her boots as soon as they were inside their cabin. It was much more plush than her sleeping car had been, with a full sized bed and room to move about. Jimmy placed their belongings in a corner before shrugging off his brown work coat and taking a look around. The walls were mahogany paneling, the bed was brass and it was covered with a thick royal blue comforter. Lou sat on the edge of the bed and invited him to take a seat beside her. He did, cautiously.

She took his hand and turned it over in her own, running her index finger over the lines and calluses. "You know I'm not so sad anymore."

"Yeah, I noticed that."

"'Cause of you. The others too. But mostly because you've been so good to me."

He just shrugged, not knowing what to say, fighting the urge to kiss her and pull her body beneath his.

"Jimmy?" She wanted to tell him so many things about how he made her think about love and belonging and how she felt happy about her future for the first time since she could remember. But she didn't know how. So when he looked down at her she just wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and stretched up to kiss him. Maybe he would feel it? All the things she wanted to say. She felt his large hand on her cheek, cupping her jaw, brushing her neck. Felt him kiss her back. Felt him holding back from letting their kiss go deeper. She pulled back and looked up into his eyes. They glowed with desire and guilt.

"Don't feel guilty for wanting me." She brushed a few errant hairs behind his ear. "I want you."

A memory - not a random one, one he often played over and over in his mind - came on strong and transported him back to another time, to the two of them on his horse. "Never be ashamed for wanting me Lou. God knows I want you."

This time he initiated the kiss, burying his fingers in the hair at the nape of her neck and pressing his lips firmly to hers. His other hand held her face and the caress of his thumb along her jawline was a request for her to open her mouth to him and she did. Her hands wrapped around his biceps and she tried to pull them closer together. Her eagerness propelled him to meet her and he pushed her to the mattress and laid flush against her. When his lips started to traverse along her jaw and down her neck she felt a rush of electricity pulse between her thighs and released a sweet little squeak of pleasure. Jimmy cupped her sex and rubbed her firmly over her dress. He knew exactly what she needed.

Louise lost herself in the feeling of his lips on her neck and his hands traveling all over her body. His hands moved like they knew her, like she was one of the Express routes they traveled so often, they could do it in the dark. She held her breath. She had traveled roads in the dark. She could see it, her horse's head before her, dark with a white stripe. Grabbing the mochila, leaving behind nothing but dust. The feeling of galloping into the night, cool wind chapping her face. The rub of pants on her thighs and the pressure of a binding around her breasts. Hoping no one saw.

It was only jumbled images and feelings but it was real.