(INTRO)
INT. LAWNDALE - LANE HOUSE - JANE's ROOM
JANE and DARIA are sitting together on JANE's bed while she sketched.
DARIA: Did I ever tell you yet about Beavis and Butt-head?
JANE: (looks up, snickering) Beavis and Butt-head...?
DARIA: You don't believe me, don't you?
JANE: Are you sure you're not taking those coo-coo pills again? (gesturing with her hand towards her head)
DARIA: Again? You don't say...
JANE: Okay, hypothetically let's say I believe you.
DARIA: So, hypothetically, they were fellow students of Highland I knew. Beavis, who looked and acted the part of a twink was the blond one. Then there was Butt-head. He had brown hair, braces, and was the more dominant in their supposedly told friendship. Here in Lawndale that's called mental and occasionally physical abuse.
JANE: You think they'd be good for a comic relief character? (makes an 'o' shape with her mouth before going back to normal) Hypothetically speaking of course, Morgendorffer.
DARIA: You think?
JANE: Nuh-uh-uh! (wags her finger mockingly) You would ask if I think it hypothetically.
DARIA: (furrows her eyebrows, pursing her lips, monotone) If I had a gun, I'd be out of bullets right now. Hypothetically.
JANE: (laughs) Anyway, what were you saying?
DARIA: (continues) They had this dumb nickname for me. They called me "Diarrhea".
JANE: They probably had a little chant too. But, Daria, you seriously expect me to believe that they exist?
DARIA: (narrows eyes) Fine, I'll prove it. Let's go to Highland.
JANE: (smiles, quirking an eyebrow) Road trip? Now you're speaking my language.
INT. LAWNDALE - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - DARIA's ROOM
JANE: So... when do we go?
DARIA: Well, we'll bring an extra change of clothes and make a run for it.
JANE: (playful) Stripped naked if we have to.
DARIA: Then, you tell Trent to make an excuse for me.
JANE: As if he'll be up now.
QUINN: (listening to their conversation, breathing heavily, in the hallway)
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh, Quinn... come out, come out, wherever you are!
QUINN: (runs into the room) Oh thank god! I think my pants were, like, getting wrinkles in them or something.
JANE: What's the stitch?
QUINN: (nervous) There is no stitch! (looks at DARIA) Daria, tell your artsy friend to stop being all weird and stuff.
DARIA: Spill it, or your dresses are out the window for the unfortunate.
QUINN: I don't even wear those! They are so vintage! (regrets saying that) Okay, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation... Daria Morgendorffer, sneaking out? Who even are you?
DARIA: (deadpan) What you Fashion Nazis would call a rebel.
QUINN: (shocked) Nazis!? Daria, we're not Nazis. I'm not even German!
JANE: (amused) She meant Fashion Fascists, Quinn.
QUINN: Oh. Well, I want in on this road trip.
DARIA: We're going to see Beavis and Butt-Head. (skeptical) And why should we let you come?
QUINN: (slightly excited) Them? Finally, the guys here in Lawndale are getting so boring. I need to spice it up. They totally were in love with me! They fought over me! (sighs dreamily)
JANE: Are we talking about the same people?
DARIA: Great, now it's a party.
JANE: Alright, let me go tell Trent and get my jammies.
QUINN: Jammies? (raises an eyebrow)
JANE: (jokingly) Exquisite attire for moonlight.
QUINN: Oh! I should get my stuff too! (dashes off to her room)
INT. LAWNDALE - LANE HOUSE - TRENT's ROOM
JANE: (pokes TRENT) Trent.
TRENT: (half-awake) Oh, hey Janey. What's up?
JANE: Me and Daria are going off on a very important trip. If the Morgendorffers ask, it's for a school project. There's pizza in the fridge.
Trent: Cool. Stay safe. (grabs his guitar, strumming it gently) Pizza in the fridge... I'm on the edge of the bridge..
JANE: Thanks for the enthusiasm, Trent. (walks out)
(COMMERICAL BREAK. QUINN running into DARIA's room)
DARIA: (waiting outside, holding a duffle bag)
QUINN: (runs outside, with her pajamas from 'Lane Miserables', her outfit from 'Mart Of Darkness', and a bunch of scrunchies and other items that are necessary, pouring them into the bag that already contained a pair of jeans, her wallet, and DARIA's pajamas from 'My Night At Daria's' because QUINN suggested it)
DARIA: What do you need all this for? It's only a day.
QUINN: I might fall asleep in the car, Daria! Think! (runs off to grab her makeup)
DARIA: (sarcastic) Not on the wheel you won't. (deadpan) Oh great, I'm taking to myself again..
JANE: (walks up to DARIA) Did you emphasis that we are sneaking out? (playful) Also you seem to have entered the next stage of loneliness; losing your sanity and talking to yourself. (holding her pajamas from 'Lane Miserables', and her regular lipstick, and her wallet)
DARIA: No. Figured it was common sense. Luckily, Mom and Dad are at work.
JANE: Well, does she have makeup remover? (puts her stuff in the bag)
QUINN: Jane! Hey! (shows her lipsticks) You like any of these? Your Rich Rosewood is too blunt and misleading.
JANE: Misleading? Misleading what? But that Burgundy is nice. (points)
QUINN: (passionate, putting the makeup in the duffle bag) I know! You are like so Brick Red! Those pale shades perfectly match your complexion, trust me.
JANE: I see.
DARIA: (sighs heavily, on the verge of dropping the bag)
JANE: (notices) Um, Quinn, let's get going.
QUINN: (realizes) Oh yeah! Sorry, Daria... (tries unlocking the door of the Jake's Lexus)
DARIA: (zippers the bag up, putting it down)
DARIA: (takes the keys out of her pocket, unlocking the vehicle)
QUINN: (enters the backseat)
JANE: (sits in the passengers' seat)
DARIA: (shoves the bag next to QUINN) Quinn, you keep an eye on the bag. This is everything we have.
QUINN: (putting on her seatbelt) Yeah, whatever..
DARIA: (sits in the drivers' seat and gets on the road)
('Bitter Sweet Sympathy' by The Verve plays subtly in the background)
INT. OUT OF LAWNDALE - ON THE HIGHWAY
QUINN: (her leg on top of the other, disappointed) So, last time I remember there wasn't any malls in Highland...
JANE: (nonchalant) Mhm..
QUINN: (angry) Jane! You're not even listening to me!
JANE: (annoyed) Okay, so there wasn't any malls in Highland... boo hoo cry me a river! Get to the good part.
QUINN: (stressed) Daria! Make her stop!
DARIA: (deadpan) Quinn, I'm afraid if I used my secret method — she would be in the hospital and you would be visiting me in jail... as long as I am given good clothes, at least.
JANE: (mocking) Which I highly doubt.
QUINN: (upset) Ugh! Stop with your weird snarky stuff, it's giving me a freaking headache! (places her hands on her head)
JANE: (infuriated) Alright, and you're giving me a headache, damn it!
DARIA: (mad) I'm trying to drive and you two won't stop talking! You're giving me a migraine, God! It's times like this that I wish I had no friends and was an only child, again.
QUINN AND JANE: (shocked) Hey!
DARIA: (rolls her eyes, making a sharp turn) Fine, I take it back.
JANE: (smiles, calmer) So, Quinn, tell me about your stories from Highland.
QUINN: (a little reluctant) Okay, there was this one time...
(as Quinn begins to speak, the scene shifts, and the sounds of the highway fade away)
INT. HIGHLAND - A PARK - DAY
QUINN (V.O): Yeah I was like swinging on the swings and stuff and then this boy comes up to me.
(we see a 8 year old QUINN wearing a white shirt with ruffled and bell bottoms swinging on the swings in a park, while DARIA reads on a bench)
BOY: (walks up to her, about 10)
JANE (V.O): What'd he look like?
QUINN (V.O): He has like blonde hair or whatever. He's kind of cute. (louder) He's wearing these dumb black shorts in the middle of fall, mind you! He also has a tank top on. And it was like so chilly! (shudders)
BOY: (shy) Hey, uh, can I sit next to you?
QUINN: (smiles, blushing a slight shade of pink) Sure.. (mumbles)
BOY: (sits on the swing next to her) I'm...
DARIA (V.O): (jokingly) I swear, Quinn, if you say his name was Beavis, you'll never see daylight again..
QUINN (V.O): Do you like him or something!?
DARIA (V.O): No. I'm saying this because his name was Jeffrey.
QUINN (V.O): And now would YOU know? You were being all geeky on that gross bench. Ew!!
JANE (V.O): I must admit, Daria has quite the memory for her age.
DARIA (V.O): (deadpan) I guess I now am Albert Einstein's great, great, great, great granddaughter, too?
QUINN (V.O): But wasn't Beavis there? Anyway...
BOY: I'm Jeffrey. (smiles)
QUINN: (giggles) I'm Quinn. What are you doing in that tank and shorts? They look so shabby! Gee, you should wear a black T-shirt, a gray jacket over it, and a pair of denim jeans. It would look so much more fashionable!
JEFFREY: (surprised) Really? You must be some fashion goddess... (looks at her in admiration)
DARIA (V.O): (annoyed) He did not say that!
QUINN (V.O): You like him now? You seem to have a type. Strange and fashionably clueless blondes. Oh and they're usually dumb.
DARIA (V.O): (mutters) Please kill me now.. — I just don't think it's fair you're lying to Jane. He like laughed or something and went...
JEFFREY: (with DARIA's voice) Um okay. Wanna meet me at the sandbox? (points to the sandbox, where a young BEAVIS is getting buried by a young BUTT-HEAD)
JANE (V.O): (playful) Do you really want me to dye my hair blonde that bad, Daria?
DARIA (V.O): (caring) Jane, you're not dumb.
JANE (V.O): (defensive) Then why is my average a C-?
QUINN (V.O): (annoyed) Stop getting all moody!
DARIA (V.O): (deadpan) And people tell me I'm emotionless.
QUINN (V.O): (remorseful) I mean... You're very smart and talented, Jane. And you shouldn't compare yourself to a bunch of UGLY guy bimbos. Sorry.
QUINN: (cheerful) Sure! (sees BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD) Haha, look at them! They're so dumb! What's the brown haired one doing burying the blonde? Who does that!?
JEFFREY: (agreeing) Yeah, they're like so dumb. Idiots.
QUINN: (laughs) You're funny, Jeffrey.
JANE (V.O): (curious) Wait, are Jeffrey and Jeffy the same person?
QUINN (V.O): (amused) No, what makes you think that? Didn't you hear me? Jeffrey's blonde. And from Highland.
JANE (V.O): (chuckles) You know... similar names.
QUINN (V.O): Yeah so like I get off the swings and Mom's lecturing Daria about interacting with other kids. So she also goes to the sandbox, and starts...
QUINN: (gets off the swings, following JEFFREY)
HELEN: (to DARIA) Honey, you need to hang with kids your age.
DARIA: (monotone) They make fun of me, Mom. Then they run off.
HELEN: (comforting) Just try. (kneels down, placing her hands on DARIA's shoulders reassuringly) You got this, sweetie. (looks at DARIA's book) Hm, they might like that. I loved books as a kid. Your father did too, you know. (smiles)
DARIA: (shyly grins, walking slowly over to the sandbox)
JANE (V.O): (faux fear) What'd she do...? She killed them, didn't she?
QUINN (V.O): (laughs) What? No!
DARIA: (sits silently in the sand)
BUTT-HEAD: (annoyed, with DARIA's voice) Hey, you're like sitting on Beavis' tummy. Uh-huh huh huh.
DARIA: (poker face) Okay. (sits up, moving to a corner)
BEAVIS: (with QUINN's voice) Butt-head, uh, I'm eating the sand. M-heh Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD: Shut up, buttknocker. Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: (annoyed) Can you stop burying me? Heh heh heh. I can't feel my butt. (panicked, eyes widening) I can't feel my butt!
BUTT-HEAD: Uh, like, no. Huh huh huh. Put up with it or something.. Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: (still panicking) Butt-head, I can't feel my butt! I'll never be able to poop again! Poop! (starts to scream)
BUTT-HEAD: (sprinkles sand on Beavis, right above his eyes) Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: (somehow gets up and begins strangling BUTT-HEAD) Stop it, fartknocker!
BUTT-HEAD: (angry) Get off me, dillhole! (smacks BEAVIS)
QUINN (V.O): So then they are fighting, like usual. I sit down, and so does Jeffrey. And he's talking about toy cars or something. I don't know, I wasn't listening.
JANE (V.O): (confused) What the hell do you mean by like usual!?
(COMMERICAL BREAK. QUINN from the flashback swinging)
QUINN (V.O): You wouldn't get it, Jane. Anyway, he sees them fighting and says...
JEFFREY: (entertained) Woah. That's cool.
HELEN: (concerned) Girls, we should get going. I have some shopping I need to get done.
QUINN: (whiny) Muh-om! I'm not done! (kicking feet, getting sand up DARIA's nose)
DARIA: (sneezes, rubbing her nose) Yeah, Quinn, we should get going.. (stands up)
QUINN: (angry, stands up) Fine...
DARIA (V.O): If it weren't for them, we would have still been there.
JANE (V.O): (playful) The only time Young Daria listened to her mother. How sweet.
QUINN (V.O): More like the only time at all.
DARIA (V.O): I hate you.
QUINN (V.O): Okay then like Jeffrey stands up too...
JANE (V.O): (deadpan) Then he stalked you, right?
DARIA (V.O): (deadpan) She wishes.
JEFFREY: (stands up, grabbing QUINN's arm and pecking her cheek)
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: (stop fighting) Woah. (their eyes widen)
BUTT-HEAD: Cool.
(The flashback ends)
JANE: (anxious) Daria?
DARIA: (monotone) Yes...?
JANE: (blurts, quickly) I have to go pee really badly or else I'm gonna piss myself!
(silence fills the car's atmosphere)
QUINN: (giggles erupted from her pursed lips momentarily, her tittering muffled from QUINN trying to hold it in)
JANE: (smirks, mimicking SANDI GRIFFIN) Gee, Quinn, who knew a fashion diva like yourself, could be so... childish and immature, when it comes to the sound of one's chortle.
QUINN: (crosses her arms, her lips curled tightly into a frown while her eyebrows pinched, yelling) I am not childish! I am more mature than you at least, Jane!
JANE: Says who? One of the J's? (quirks an eyebrow)
DARIA: (ignores them, seeing a gas station ahead) Oh look, coincidentally there is a gas station up ahead.
JANE: (cheers, raising her fists, mocking) We've been saved!
QUINN: (still upset and offended) Who's we?
JANE: (deadpan) Me, myself, and I. Oh, and my best friend; bladder.
QUINN: (sarcastic) You mind as well ditch Daria for them.
DARIA: (we see DARIA smile gently, as she parks at the gas station)
JANE: (gets out, bolting inside as she reaches the counter) Hey do you guys have bathroom!? (is moving her body uncomfortably)
EMPLOYEE: (has blonde hair in a ponytail and bangs like Britney Spears from 1998) Yeah. Want me to show ya, chica? (sounds like the girl from the song 'Valley Girl' by Frank Zappa')
JANE: (nods eagerly, following the older woman)
DARIA: (walks in, deadpan) Oh no. Jane's missing. She's clearly been kidnapped.
QUINN: (her mood shifted; now much happier, rolls her eyes) Daria! Don't be dramatic. (smiles) You know, you'd be great in theater!
DARIA: (sarcastic) Just not the acting part.
QUINN: Exactly.
QUINN AND DARIA: (exchange neutral glances)
QUINN: (eyes widen) Oh my god! There's a collection of necklaces! (runs to look at them)
DARIA: (deadpan) Wait up, sis. (slowly walks behind her)
QUINN: (grabs one that resembles DARIA's necklace from her days in HIGHLAND) Ooh, Daria! You have to see this!
DARIA: (looks at QUINN, then lowering her gaze to the necklace in QUINN's hands) What?
QUINN: (cheerful) You know... It kind of looks like your necklace from Highland!
DARIA: (monotone) I see the resemblance.
QUINN: (chuckles) It was so tacky though!
DARIA: (frowns) How many times have you been hit in the head?
QUINN: (startled) I was joking, Daria! Jeez! (looks around, placing the necklace back where she had found it) Where's Jane?
JANE: (walks behind DARIA, placing her hands on DARIA's shoulders)
DARIA: (eyes widen) Eep! (turns to face JANE)
JANE: (trying to stifle a laugh) Boo! (playful) Now, where's the candy? I want my candy damn it!
DARIA: (deadpan) Right by the graveyard. It takes a lot of courage, you know, Lane.
QUINN: (rolls her eyes, arms crossed)
JANE: (smiles) And so does that.
DARIA: So does what?
JANE: Dealing with us the whole ride here.
QUINN: We're not even there yet. (scowls)
JANE: You know what I mean!
DARIA: (sarcastic) A little birdy told me we should get going so we can get prepared for the apocalypse.
QUINN: (cocks an eyebrow)
DARIA: Or otherwise known as Highland. (begins to walk back to the car)
INT. STILL ON THE ROAD - NIGHT
QUINN: (yawns, visibly tired) Guys don't look back here I have to get changed.
DARIA: (sarcastic) I knew those clothes would come in handy.
JANE: (teasing) What makes you think we'd want to see your body in all it's glory?
QUINN: (begins changing O.S)
DARIA: (stops in the middle of the road)
JANE: (confused) Taking a squat?
DARIA: (blinks slowly, deadpan) Not when you can see me like this. (slightly serious, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes) Quinn, I'm going to crash if I don't sleep.
QUINN: (opening the door) And?
JANE: You're driving, Morgendorffer!
QUINN: (exits)
JANE: (teasing) Out she goes! And she scores - the crowd goes wild!
QUINN: (sighs, entering the front seat) Why must you torture me like this?
DARIA: (sits in the back) It's fun. I guess it's my way of showing sisterly love.
JANE: So you're saying... Quinn denying your relation to you for nearly all of your time in highschool is love, right?
DARIA: (sarcastic) Well, as one who has common sense yes it would be.
QUINN: (starts driving)
DARIA: (trying to buckle) Quinn! Gah! (slides to the other side of the car)
JANE: (giggling)
DARIA: (sarcastic) Funny. Until your head is out the window.
QUINN: (blasts the radio, 'Breathe' by Faith Hill)
JANE: (bops her head not having anything to say)
DARIA: (sits there in silence with her regular deadpan expression, her face being zoomed in closer and closer as it finally comes to a stop; a tear sliding down her cheek in slow motion)
INT. HIGHLAND - EARLY MORNING - SOMEWHERE
QUINN: (begins to grow tired, nearly crashing into a stop sign)
JANE: (grabs the wheel, swiftly turning it into the right direction) Quinn, where on earth is your sense of maturity when you need it?
DARIA: (snoring softly, sleeping peacefully)
QUINN: (bangs her head on the wheel, traffic emerging) Why does bad stuff always happen to me!?
JANE: (turns on the radio again, 'About a Girl' by Nirvana blaring) What? Can't hear you! (covers ears)
QUINN: (lowers the volume) What's the song?
JANE: (quickly) About a Girl.
QUINN: (confused) What about a girl!? Who? Me? (exasperated) I don't have time for your stupid games, Jane...
JANE: (narrows eyes) I'd like to agree but that is literally the name of the song.
INT. HIGHLAND - AFTERNOON - BEAVIS' HOUSE
(The boys are sitting at the couch, watching TV as usual)
BEAVIS: (picking his nose, curious) What ever happened to Diarrhea? Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD: Uh, she moved to Schlong-Dale or something... Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: You said schlong. Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD: She probably never scored. Uh-huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: Heh heh heh. Yeah. M-heh heh heh.
(a knock on the door is heard)
BUTT-HEAD: (stands up walking over to the door) I'll get it... Huh huh huh.
QUINN: (standing in front of the door smiling a little, JANE and DARIA beside her)
BUTT-HEAD: (eyes widen, not remembering QUINN) Woah. (to BEAVIS) Hey, Beavis, check it out. Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: (stands up as well approaching BUTT-HEAD) Woah she has thingies!
QUINN: (hopeful) Beavis? Butt-head?
BUTT-HEAD: (kicks him in the nads) Of course she does dumbass.
BEAVIS: (winces) Ow! (acts as if nothing happened) Hey, how's it going? Heh heh heh.
QUINN: (shrugs) Pretty good. Don't you remember me?
BEAVIS: Uh, no. Heh heh heh.
QUINN: (sighs) I'm Daria's sister.
BEAVIS: (confused) Then why are you hot? Heh heh heh.
DARIA: Hi.
BUTT-HEAD: Uh, hi Diarr — Daria. Huh huh huh. You lost weight and stuff. That's pretty cool. Huh huh huh.
DARIA: (sarcastic) I see you haven't changed.
JANE: (surprised) They're even worse than I imagined...
BUTT-HEAD: Woah, Daria scored! Huh huh huh.
JANE: (cheeks slightly heating up from embarrassment) Oh, no, I'm her friend. Jane Lane. But you can call me Jane. (extends her hand out reluctantly, not understanding why she was tempting to be nice to them)
BEAVIS: (shakes her head, getting boogers on her) Heh heh heh. I'm Beavis.
JANE: And you are?
BUTT-HEAD: Butt-head. Huh huh huh.
DARIA: What do you guys get up to? I'm assuming same-old.
BUTT-HEAD: Uh, I actually scored. Uh-huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: (smacks BUTT-HEAD) No you didn't, fartknocker!
BUTT-HEAD: Yeah I did! Huh huh huh. (smacks BEAVIS in return) You weren't there you were, like, busy or whatever.
BEAVIS: Makes sense. Heh heh heh. (realizes) We have this hot chick with big hooters and stuff, you know... Heh heh heh. (getting an erection) Boi-oi-oi-oi-oiiing!
QUINN: (averts eye contact anxiously)
DARIA: (frowns) Please don't... I do not think she'd like either of you to be her first. (arms crossed)
JANE: (playful) It would be morally wrong.
BUTT-HEAD: Uh ok. (to QUINN) Hey, baby, wanna do it? Huh huh huh.
QUINN: (smiles) Uh...
BEAVIS: You son of a bitch! You didn't score, but, uh, I will! (begins attacking BUTT-HEAD)
BUTT-HEAD: (fighting back) Uh, no you won't.
BEAVIS: (kicks him in the groins)
QUINN: (chuckles nervously) Guys... don't fight over me! (looks at JANE) I told you! They really did want me. And it seems they still do.
JANE: (smiles, starting to draw) Wait, this is giving me inspiration...
DARIA: (deadpan) And this is giving me brain damage. Well, Jane, I have proved these dimwits exist and want to get back.
BEAVIS: (stops hitting BUTT-HEAD) I'm hungry. Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD: I'm hungry too. (starts walking to BURGER WORLD, QUINN following behind them while trying to talk to them)
DARIA: (begins walking) You have got to be kidding me.
JANE: This must be the beginning, Morgendorffer.
DARIA: And the end.
The end.
(Alter egos show up, but some including BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD)