A/N: So, the other day a picture and video was posted on social media depicting our fave donning his pirate outfit once more in order to surprise a co-worker for her birthday. The post included a caption quipping, "The pirate they hired for our birthday party was actually really good", which caused many of us to wish we could hire the same said pirate for our bday celebrations. This, naturally, sparked a fic idea which I shared on the csmm discord and, well… you can probably guess the rest, lol.
Much love to the discord ladies and especially to jrob64 who championed the idea so much she agreed to beta. Of course, seeing as it is her bday today, I'm also gifting this fic to her. Sorry it isn't the actual pirate, but I hope it is a close second! Happy birthday!
A shout out also goes to kmomof4 who also gave this a once over for me
A Pirate Booty Birthday
She knew her soon-to-be former best friend had something up her sleeve. No way Ruby Lucas would allow Emma Swan's birthday to be celebrated with a simple pool party. Oh, no. She just had to do something over the top. Something that would make this year 'the best birthday ever!' Something that would go down in infamy among their friend group.
Something that Emma would find totally and completely humiliating.
So, of course. Ruby had hired a stripper.
A pirate themed stripper to go with the pirate themed decor and pirate themed drinks they'd been enjoying all afternoon and into the evening.
A pirate themed stripper who nearly had Emma swallowing her tongue when he appeared in Ruby's backyard, decked out in head-to-toe black leather with artfully mussed dark hair, kohl-lined piercing blue eyes, auburn tinted stubble, and a devilish smirk that would make a mermaid swoon.
Holy hell and hot damn.
"Get your dollar bills ready, girls!" Lily called out, practically knocking Belle over as she rushed for her purse.
"Sorry, ladies," the pirate crooned as he swaggered towards them. "I only accept doubloons."
Well, fuck. He has an accent, too?! Emma thought, while silently freaking out. Damn, and it actually sounds authentic. It can't be real, though. Right?
Stopping in front of their group, he cocked one hip to the side and tucked his thumb into his belt, perusing each of them with a sultry glance and briefly pausing when his eyes landed on her before addressing them all once more. "Besides... the only one allowed to touch the Captain this evening is the birthday girl. Perhaps one of you would be good enough to point her out to me?"
A half dozen pointer fingers immediately gave her up and Emma's mouth went completely dry when a wide, feral grin spread across the pirate captain's face. Seductively, he scraped his teeth across his bottom lip, then brought his thumb up to brush against the now reddened flesh. His eyes raked over her as she sat stock still in her red bikini and one of his brows raised cockily up his forehead. When he finally spoke again, Emma would swear his voice dropped an octave as he quipped, "I was hoping it'd be you."
Cat calls and whoops of both laughter and encouragement rang out from her friends, forcing Emma from her seat in the hopes of making an escape to the house. Where she could hide. Or wait for the ground to swallow her whole. She wasn't picky.
With swift reflexes, he moved to block her path, his persona breaking for a brief moment as he gave her a commiserating look. It was quickly schooled and replaced by his Captain facade as he tutted, "Now, now, love. Heed your Captain." Gently he led her back to her chair, encouraging her to sit before he propped a booted foot up on the end of the diving board. "Don't make me force you to walk the plank. Just sit right there and take your lap dance like a good girl."
He winked at her, causing another round of shouts and whistles and 'atta girls' to be yelled from her friends. Looking over her shoulder, Emma made eye contact with Ruby and mouthed, "I hate you," but the effect was lost when the hysterical laugh she'd been holding back finally made its way to the surface.
"You love me," Ruby mouthed back, blowing her a kiss before bringing up a music file from her phone to play over the speakers. Presumably, the pirate stripper had sent her his music when she booked him.
Which turned out to be the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean. Because, of course it was.
Emma hated to admit it but… the pirate stripper Ruby hired for her birthday was actually pretty good.
Very. Good.
Tantalizing good.
Toned and bronzed and sultry and commanding and wouldn't-mind-blindly-following-his-Captain's-orders good.
"Come on, Captain!" Lily shouted as he slipped off his suspenders and began to tug the smoke-like, gossamer thin blouse free from his pants, revealing toned abs and happy trail. "Hoist the mainsail for us!"
Emma thought she'd caught the beginnings of an eye roll before he turned his back to them, his hips gyrating and the muscles of his ass flexing beneath the tight leather.
A piercing whistle erupted next to Emma's drumdrum. Tink practically had her fingers halfway down her throat to make the obnoxious sound. "Show us your pirate booty!" she drunkenly yelled before an unseemly snort escaped her from the self-satisfied laugh she let out.
"Forget the booty!" Lily called out salaciously. "Show us your jewels!"
"Guys!" Emma admonished, halfway turning in her seat to face her unruly friends. "Enough! Let the poor man do his thing."
"I'd like to do his thing," Lily shot back, vulgarly licking her lips then catching Emma's hardened glare and silent reprimand to behave. "Spoil sport," Lily huffed, poutily taking another large gulp from her solo cup, her eyes cutting back to the Captain who was being cheered on by the rest of the group.
"Sorry, Ems," Tink offered with a sincere expression of contrition before being jolted to the side by Ruby who had refilled her drink and was now joining their little mob.
"Oh, come on, Emma," Ruby said with a wolfish grin. "Tell me you wouldn't happily walk that plank." Jutting her chin towards the night's entertainment she'd provided, she gave a whistle of her own, pointed down to Emma, then shouted. "Let her shiver your timber, Captain!"
Emma turned back around and her jaw dropped. Apparently, he'd been rather busy while her back was turned. He'd removed his great coat and vest early on in the performance, but now, gone were the blouse, boots, and leather pants, leaving him in nothing more than a tight, barely-there, black Speedo.
She couldn't help but focus on the bulge he was currently thrusting in their direction, his generous size evident from the way the material strained around it. His hips swiveled and her eyes traveled up the happy trail of hair at his navel, the twitch and flex of his abdominal muscle mesmerizing her. As did the broad planes of his chest, dusted with the same luscious hair her fingers itched to run themselves through. Her final destination was his face and her breath caught at the way he stared at her, his attention solely focused on her gaze with his own hungry, predatory, wouldn't-mind-making-a-meal-out-of-her intent reflected in his dark, ocean blue depths.
With a dirty grind in his hips, he swaggered towards them until he was right in front of her. Without warning, he threw himself forward, bracing himself against the edge of the table behind her. Arms caging her in as he hovered over her in an impressively held plank position. Emma had to grip the ends of the armrest to force her hands to remain on their best behavior, her bottom lip firmly tucked between her teeth, trapping a moan inside her mouth as his body rolled over the top of her, his breath - soft, sensual pants exhaling from his chest - ghosting across her face as his kohl-rimmed eyes stayed locked onto hers.
"Go on, Emma!" One of her friends encouraged dirtily. "Make his Roger Jolly!
"Show him where to drop his anchor, Ems!"
Another half-amused, half-exasperated look flitted across his face before he could stop it. He probably got comments like that a lot, had probably heard every bad pirate pun there was. The way he continued to stare down at her, though, his body grinding a hair's-breadth away from hers and occasionally making contact when his leg couldn't help but brush against her own, made Emma think he might not mind them so much when they were applied to her.
Of course, that had to be wistful thinking on her part. Given how gorgeous and hot and limber and intense and - did she say hot already? - he was, Emma was certain he got his fair share of propositions from equally hot and horny women.
Emma practically whimpered when he rolled his body away from hers, instantly missing the close contact and feeling more flushed and keyed up than she'd expected to get. Bringing her hand up, she made an attempt to fan herself, but was thwarted when his hand caught hers. Tugging lightly, he encouraged her to her feet then wrapped an arm around her waist, bringing her hips flush with his as he continued to roll, swivel, and grind against her body.
"Let the pillaging and plundering begin!" Ruby shouted.
A toe-curling chuckle rumbled through his chest and he brought his mouth tauntingly close to her ear, murmuring, "Your friends are quite the lively bunch."
Yep. The accent was real. Fuck. Me.
"Yeah," Emma replied a bit breathlessly, her body now moving in time with his as they finished out the track as though they were at some risque nightclub and not her best friend's backyard. "Sorry about that."
"No need to apologize, love," he told her, dropping his arms and taking a step back.
Emma hadn't even realized the song had ended, but her friends absolutely losing their shit with screams and whistles and applause probably should have clued her in.
"What say you, ladies?" he called out to the group. "Has your Captain delivered to your satisfaction, or is he to walk the plank?"
Once again, he propped his foot on the diving board and her friends - as eager to have him dripping wet as she was - immediately began chanting, "Walk the plank! Walk the plank! Walk the plank!"
Shooting them a wide grin, he hopped up onto the board but paused when Ruby called out. "Here, Emma! In case he needs some encouragement!"
She tossed a plastic, toy sword at her which Emma miraculously caught. Glancing up at the man, something swooped deep in her belly at the raised brow and smirk he was giving her.
"Do you even know how to use that thing, love?" he said in a teasing and mocking tone.
"Yeah," she said, stepping up behind him on the board and pressing the plastic tip into his side. "The pointy end goes in the other guy."
She poked at him with it again, urging him towards the end of the board, or… plank, and absolutely did not find his ticklish response at all endearing.
"What's the matter, Captain?" she replied in a coy and coquettish tone. "Don't like being jabbed with my sword?"
The Captain scoffed and turned to face her. "You call that a jab?" he shot back, and Emma gasped as he yanked the sword from her grasp, then used his quick reflexes to pull her into him before she even had a chance to realize what he was doing. He had her arms pinned to her sides with his tightly wrapped around her, the heavy bulge in the front of his Speedo pressed firmly against her belly as a smolder bloomed from his expression and deep crooning tone professed, "Trust me, love. When I jab you with my sword… you'll feel it."
Emma gasped as he threw them both off the diving board into the pool. Panic gripped her when she hit the water and began to sink. Years of bouncing around foster care meant she'd never learned to swim properly, so, on instinct, when she resurfaced, she clung to the Captain, wrapping her arms and legs around his body to stay afloat.
"Sorry, love," he chuckled. "I thought we could both do with some cooling off." Seeing her expression, which she hadn't been able to calm yet, he held her a bit tighter and asked, "Are you alright?"
"Y-Yeah," she stammered, reluctantly pulling one of her hands off him so she could wipe the water from her face. "I, um… I just… I don't do well with, um…"
"Bloody hell," he cursed at himself. "I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry, love. Here." He started to swim them over to the ladder. "I've got you. Just grab onto the rails."
Emma did as he instructed, extricating herself from him so she could put her feet on the solid rungs of the ladder. He grabbed onto the edge of the pool and with little effort, hoisted himself out of the water, getting to his feet in time to come around and offer her a hand up the ladder.
"Emma!" Her friends exclaimed, rushing towards them. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she assured them, waving off their concern with her free hand, the other still tucked in his grasp. "Really. I'm fine."
Ruby draped a towel over her shoulders then offered one to the dripping wet man next to her. Emma would be lying if she said she wasn't a little disappointed when he let go of her hand and began drying off. She would have enjoyed watching the beads and streams of water sluice down his trim and toned body.
"Thank you, Miss Lucas," he replied, stepping back from the gaggle of girls that had joined them. Emma could tell it was a prudent and deliberate move on his part, giving himself a personal bubble of space in case any of them decided to take the opportunity to get handsy. Sheepishly, he glanced back at Emma and offered once more, "My sincerest apologies. I shouldn't have-"
"My fault entirely," Ruby chimed in, turning apologetic eyes towards Emma. "I should have given Killian a heads up about you and the pool."
"Killian?" Emma said, her eyes snapping back to the man who now had the towel wrapped around his waist.
Pity.
"Killian Jones," he said, introducing himself as he bowed his head and offered her a boyish smile. "At your service, Miss…"
"Swan," Emma reciprocated. "Emma Swan. Pleasure to meet you."
"Oh, trust me, love," he crooned, steeping a bit closer into her personal space. "The pleasure is all mine."
A symphony of sighs and squeals crescendoed around them and Emma's cheeks heated at the knowledge that her friends were still hovering.
"Alright," Ruby shouted, getting everyone's attention. "This alcohol isn't gonna drink itself. Who wants a refill?"
Emma shot her friend a grateful look as she led the mob back towards the tiki bar, giving her an opportunity to speak with Killian privately before he had to pack up and be on his way.
"Do you, uh… need some help collecting your things?" she asked him, tucking a wet, tangled strand of hair behind her ear.
"I can manage," he told her, though he made no effort to do so. "You know," he murmured softly, closing what little space remained between them. "I can help you with your… water issue, if you'd like."
"My water issue?" Emma replied in an amused breath. "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"
An abashed huff fell from his lips and he reached up to awkwardly scratch behind his ear. "No, I meant… You seem a bit uncertain and slightly nervous regarding-"
"Yeah," she said, offering him a lifeline. "I'm not the greatest swimmer. Never really learned how to-"
"I can help with that," he said, cutting her off in an enthusiastic rush. "I mean… If you'd like me to. I'm a certified lifeguard and just got a full time position with the city to oversee the safety of the beaches."
"Do you make this offer to every birthday girl you perform for?" she asked, a slightly accusatory tone underpinning her words, wondering if this were some sort of line he often used to get women.
"No, actually," he said fervently, and without any hint of offense. "I'd given up stripping quite a while ago. I only agreed to do it because Ruby's boyfriend, Graham, is a mate of mine from back in the day."
"So…" Emma drawled, flicking her eyes up at him through her lashes, "you're saying, this was a one time thing?"
"Aye, love," he murmured, the two of them swaying a bit closer to one another. "After tonight, I'm hanging up my great coat and leather pants for good."
"Well, that's a shame," she said, her eyes dropping to focus on the way his tongue ran over his lips. "I wouldn't mind seeing you in that get-up again sometime."
"Perhaps," he rasped, his lips tantalizing close to hers. "I could be persuaded to give you a private showing sometime, provided it follows a private swimming lesson."
"How's Monday sound?"
"Bloody perfect," he exhaled before crashing his mouth to hers.
If they hadn't already, Ruby's neighbors were gonna call the cops with a serious complaint about the explosion of noise currently erupting from her friends.
The End.