The Todoroki family had just settled down to dinner along with their two guests. Despite the princely surroundings and scrumptious-smelling food, there was no mistaking this for a pleasant family meal. Tension crackled in the air like electricity. No one seemed sure what to say or do.

And nobody was sweating bullets more than Izuku Midoriya.

The young hero forced down a bite of rice. Quickly he filled his mouth again just for something to do. His fellow students Katsuki Bakugo and Shoto Todoroki sat to either side of him. They too ate silently, as if they were at a funeral. Chewing with an effort, Izuku's eyes darted nervously to the very big and imposing presence of their host Enji Todoroki sitting across from him, then over to the somehow equally menacing older son Natsuo. Both were pointedly avoiding each other's gazes while maintaining icy poker faces. The daughter Fuyumi was the only one who appeared distressed at this unspoken rancor.

His nerves were starting to fray. The weight of all that silence was becoming unbearable. This wasn't a dinner, it was a funeral! Unused to such a stifling family dinner, Midoriya wracked his brain for a solution.

I've got to do something to save this situation! While it's true I've been a bit… isolated… socially for the first decade or so of my life, all that changed since I got into high school! I've come to know a lot of people and made some great friends who helped me develop not just my skills as a hero, but also social skills as well! I just need to draw on the lessons I've learned from them in order to initiate a conversation, and let things proceed naturally from there.

There was some shuffling around the table as people helped themselves to more food.

Okay, Deku. This is it! Just think back to what your classmates taught you!

He took a deep breath to steel himself and turned to Shoto sitting on his left.

Here goes nothing!

"Todoroki, your sister's hot! Is it okay if I fuck her?"

Clink!

A pair of chopsticks hit the table.

Deku glanced anxiously around. Everyone was staring at him now. Endeavor's face hadn't changed much. Neither had Natsuo. Fuyumi herself just looked confused, like she wasn't sure if she had heard him right. Shoto stopped eating, but nothing more. And Bakugo? The stunned expression on his normally angry face made him look like a totally different person. Aside from that the room had gone deathly silent.

With iron resolve, Deku turned his eyes down to his bowl of rice and took another bite.

Okay, that didn't work out so well. Maybe Mineta was the wrong person to take a cue from? But it's okay! I've got plenty of other people I can use as inspiration! Round 2, here we go!

Natsuo stirred and coughed. "Uh, Midoriya-kun…"

Deku's head whipped around. "Call me ZU!" he asserted, eyes staring fixedly from his skull. "Or I'll fucking KILL YOU!"

They gazed at one another for a moment without saying a word.

Hurriedly Izuku looked away and began stuffing his face again.

Not good, not good! Admittedly, I might have overdone it there. Asui usually says that last part with her eyes anyway, so–

"CALL ME TSU…"

Deku's head jerked up. Across from him Endeavor continued to loom unmoving. But over one broad shoulder, something slowly rose. Huge amphibian eyes bore into him unblinkingly. There was a promise of death in those lightless depths.

Endeavor opened his mouth to speak, but before he could…

"TSU-CHAN!" Deku screeched, causing everyone to jump slightly.

The haunting eyes disappeared, and he relaxed.

We're cool. Everything's cool. Now to get back on track.

"Kid," Natsuo leaned forward and fixed him with an unfriendly gaze. "Are you alright?"

At this Midoriya heaved a sigh, gaze drifting over to one side. "Revelry in the dark," he murmured.

Unfortunately, nobody followed up on that with anything else. Only continued staring at him.

Mayday! MAYDAY! Officer in need of assistance! Somebody please say SOMETHING to take the weight of all their accusing, disappointed eyes off of me! PLEASE!

At last Endeavor drew himself upright. "Midoriya-kun…"

"Oui, monsieur?"

A ridiculous cartoon pantomime turned fluttering lashes upon the Flame Hero, who could think of nothing to say in response. Sparkling furiously, one eye closed in an oddly lascivious wink, this unnerving individual picked up a pickled radish and managed to take a weirdly salacious bite out of it.

"Do you vish to parlez vous vit me? I have ze fromage fondue in my derriere, sil vous plait, ho-ho-ho!

Natsuo's eyes narrowed. "Alright, I have had just about eno–"

"SHUT UP!" Snapping out of his trance, Bakugo leapt upright to glare down at Midoriya, face twisted in fury and veins standing out on his neck. "YOU'RE RUININ' THE MOOD WITH ALL YOUR STUPID TALK, YOU–"

"SHUT UP!" Deku whirled around, his face a near identical copy of the explosive delinquent's. "Stop SHOUTING! We're at a DINNER TABLE! Not a SOCCER MATCH! SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE, you goddamn HOOLIGAN!"

Bakugo's eyes lit up. He roared, and with an answering howl, Deku hauled off and…

"TICONDEROGA SMASH!"

After this things went quiet again.

Izuku stood frozen with one arm outstretched. He looked embarrassed, as though unsure what to do next. He and Katsuki continued to stare at one another. Then slowly, very slowly, those red eyes drifted down to focus on the fist now firmly lodged in his mouth.

Deku managed a nervous giggle.

I wonder if he wants me to pull it out?

He tried.

Nope. It's lodged in there pretty good.

Bakugo looked up. One eyelid twitched. Flashes of light came off his palms. At this Deku sucked in a quick breath and shouted, "ONE FOR ALL: FULL COW–!"

Before anything else could happen, both of them were encased in ice.

Still sitting seiza beside them, Shoto Todoroki finished munching on his noodles, and sighed. "So anyway, these are my friends from school."

The Icy-Hot Hero looked at his improvised ice sculpture for a moment.

"Yeah… I don't like either of them that much, really."

Turning away, he went back to eating.

Walking glumly through the early-morning crowd, Izuku Midoriya heaved a depressed sigh. Last night could not have gone worse. After thawing them out, Endeavor arranged for him and Bakugo to return to their temporary residences. He had not said a word to them the whole time. It looked as though their internship with the #1 Hero might be ending sooner than expected. And who was to blame for that?

I really messed up. All Might's going to be so disappointed. I am such a worthless–

"So…"

An arm came around his shoulder, and Deku tensed at the premonition of danger.

"Heard you made a pass at my little sister."

The young hero turned his head, and gagged upon finding Dabi walking along beside him. Weirdly lifeless blue eyes swiveled to regard the boy, riveting him with the chilling intensity behind them.

"Let's you and me have ourselves a chat, eh, kid?"

Still stammering and choking, Deku was unable to resist as that eerie figure guided him into an alley. In desperation he tried to think of something to say that might help in this situation!

"Call me KU! Or I'll fucking…!"

Several passersby jerked back as a wall of angry blue flames came roaring from the alley. It lasted a few seconds, the heat melting parked cars and scorching pavement, before dying out. Hunched over or lying flat on their behinds, the pedestrians blinked in shocked confusion.

Then Dabi came walking out. He adjusted his black coat, patted himself down, and finally bothered to notice the crowd staring at him.

"Anybody got a light?" he asked.

When no one responded, the maniac just shrugged and walked away.

FIN.