True, Honest Freedom (and the ones who get to attain it)

by justareader13

Shanks is the strongest omega on the seas, earning his way to the title of emperor. There's no shortage of enemies who want him or his dead. Which is why he can't let anyone know of the secret he has spirited away on Dawn Island. Or, Shanks has a one-night stand with the leader of the Revolutionary Army. Some things change as a result and some things don't.

15. Return to the Grand Line

Chapter Fifteen: Return to the Grand Line

AN: I've totally given up trying to control the length of my chapters at this point but we're in the home stretch anyway, with this installment at least.

I've done some edits to previous chapters to add to the world-building, which I felt was lacking. I may post something at the end of the story, an appendix of sorts, to just go over all the dynamics of this A/B/O-verse, especially since I do have sequels in mind to make this a series.

Warning(s): canonical ableism (because Mihawk), mentions of suicidal ideation, allusions to alcoholism, past child abandonment/abuse, background canonical slavery

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Strange.

That's the only way Shanks could describe how he felt sailing away from Dawn Island. He had made this place his home for a year and made true friends with people like Makino but more importantly, he had gained family both old and new with Luffy, Uta, Ace and even Sabo. Now, he was leaving it all behind for more familiar waters. Yet there was a disquieted feeling in his chest at the prospect of it all. He was determined to reach his goal. He would strive for it with his whole heart, but a year was a long time. The landscape of the Grand Line could have completely changed by now.

In a way, that excited him. It presented the prospect of an adventure. He would be rediscovering the Grand Line, but he would be a fool not to be wary. Still, he found himself sitting on the Red Force's figurehead, a sense of melancholy-tinged joy settled inside of him. He was a pirate at heart, an explorer, and being at sea again undoubtedly gave him a sense of freedom, but that didn't stop him from missing his pups. He could feel them in the place they'd made inside of his heart, the bond thrumming healthily, giving proof that he still had them with him even if not physically.

He tilted his head back and closed his eyes as he latched onto the bond. He sent a sense of warmth and love along the tether across the ocean to the other half of his heart. For a moment nothing happened, but after a while, he got a reciprocal sensation of warmth and love backed by excitement and pure joy. He chuckled as he took note of the way the feelings matched his pups' lively spirits.

He let that bond fade into the back of his mind and pushed his consciousness to skirt over his other bonds, his packbonds specifically. Those bonds were not the same as what he felt with the twins. That was a stronger, more vibrant connection. It was easy to send and receive emotions through what he shared with the twins. Hongo theorized that might've been a result of the bond being broken for so long and only recently having healed. It was operating the way it usually would between a dam and a newborn pup. The bond between a pup and their dam in the first year of their life was the closest it ever was, with the two sharing a borderline telepathic connection. The intensity of a birthbond usually dulled as a pup grew older, gained more self-awareness and ability to speak and form full thoughts, desires and wants beyond the basic necessities of survival. However, Shanks and the twins hadn't had the chance to cultivate that kind of connection. Now that their bond had healed, Hongo was uncertain if it would remain this intense or if it would dull over time. For now, Shanks resolved he would enjoy this while it lasted.

He glided his awareness across his older bonds, feeling each individual strand that connected him to his crewmates. The bonds pulsed, giving him an overriding awareness of their presence and ensuring he knew he was not alone. He used his Conqueror's to will the feelings he got from the twins to the rest of the crew. He felt their resultant happiness and let a wider smile cross his lips.

Alongside his crew, he could feel the bond he shared with Buggy. It was a bond that had dulled in strength over the years due to their separation. After their reunion, it pulsed back to life, thrumming with just as much vibrancy as the bonds he shared with his crew. Then there were the two newest packbonds, the ones Shanks was being the most careful with lest they snap before they could truly take root. The bonds that were connecting him to Ace and Sabo.

Those bonds were in their infancy with nowhere near the strength of the other bonds Shanks had within him. It had been taking root with the boys ever since Gray Terminal. He was never going to turn his back on Ace, not from the second he knew he existed. He was Roger and Rouge's pup, but beyond that he saw too much of himself in the kid. Ace was angry and hurt and needed connection. He had told Ace that there were people in the world who wanted him to live, who believed he was worthy of love. Shanks felt the need to show it rather than just telling him. It took barely a thought to reach out to him, to start giving him gifts and offering chances to scent, not that Ace initially accepted any of it. It wasn't until Sabo did that the older boy fell in step.

Sabo was the pup Shanks knew the least but he was the one who undoubtedly needed packbonds the most.

Fragile Attachment Syndrome, according to Hongo.

A rare condition but prevalent among pups who were neglected by their parent pack. Sabo didn't want to share details of his life but Hongo was able to ascertain that he was not abandoned or rejected the way so many pups in Gray Terminal were. However, the bond he had with his parents hadn't been cultivated. They neglected to form a healthy attachment with him even though they were present. The paradox of the continued proximity yet lack of connection had led to him developing Fragile Attachment Syndrome where a neglected bond would literally turn on a pup, begin to fester and poison them until it killed them. It was Sabo's decision to leave his home that saved his life otherwise he would've gotten irreversibly ill and died already. Leaving his parents allowed the bond to his parent pack to become dormant and less life-threatening.

His connection with Ace also helped. Neither knew how to formalize a bond between themselves, but their closeness offset the effects of Sabo's disease. What the blonde needed most were healthy adult bonds that could replace his parental bonds. Dadan (with much complaining) took Sabo in, but Shanks decided to take the initiative to reach out as well. He started with gifts: books he thought the boy would like, a new pair of goggles, a spyglass. He joined Shanks on fishing trips and liked hearing about the Red Hairs' adventures, but the kid was still reluctant. It was obvious that trust was difficult for him. He believed Shanks was only reaching out to him because he helped the twins in Gray Terminal and because of their mutual connection to Ace. Shanks wouldn't say that had nothing to do with it but he had noticed the attachment forming between the four pups. They were becoming more and more of a package deal. It reminded him of himself and Buggy, whom Shanks had claimed before any of the adults aboard the Oro Jackson had. He had all but forced Roger and Rayleigh to bring him along with them since Shanks refused to leave the pup behind after deciding he would be his brother. He could see the same scenario forming between the four kids.

The boys eventually accepted the packbond with Shanks, but only after the incident with Higuma and the sea king. He noticed them acting differently towards him after he woke up. They were overly protective, refusing to let several of Dawn's residents in the room to see him if they thought those people were threats or that Shanks wasn't up for visitors. They were hesitant to leave his side even when he would send them to go eat or take time for themselves, as if he was going to disappear or be snatched up by some villain that they were convinced they could defeat. According to them, Benn told them it was their jobs to watch over him and the twins until he was fully on his feet again and they were taking the task as serious as death. Shanks was both amused by it and warmed at their protectiveness. It wasn't much of a surprise when they shyly scented him for the first time, insisting on marking him before he left his sickroom, as if their scents would ward off any danger from him.

He wished he could've stayed longer to spend more time with the boys but he felt the fragile bonds between them hum to life now. He would need to keep reaching out to ensure the bonds stayed active, especially since the boys still didn't totally understand the mechanics of packbonds. Shanks resolved to tend to the bonds like flowers in a garden and Makino would instruct the pups on how to do the same.

As he reached into himself where Ace and Sabo now resided, the delicate bonds pulsed with a stuttering sort of energy that slowly gained in strength the longer Shanks gently stroked them. Eventually, they reverberated with a strength comparable to his other bonds. He used his Conqueror's to send a short, weak pulse of warmth in greeting. He couldn't send emotions that were too strong yet, not with the bond still fragile, but he wanted the boys to know he was still with them as much as he was with the twins. He utilized his Observation to glean their emotions: surprise, uncertainty, confusion and then excitement, fascination and delight before settling down to more of a background awareness along with the other bonds connecting Shanks to his precious people. He let his shoulders relax as he focused on the feeling, ignoring the pang of pain in his left arm.

Hongo had already given him the lecture of what to expect from the injury and aftercare that was vital. His left shoulder was still bandaged but Hongo was putting him through light physical therapy. Benn had taken to giving him massages in the area to help that along. His doctor was looking into possible prosthetics in the future, but Shanks wasn't sure he would be keen on that. He didn't want to worry about maintaining something like that on the seas and it presented an easy target in a fight, even if it was outfitted with a hook as per Yasopp's suggestion.

He was already dealing with several problems he hadn't foreseen from the loss of his arm. His center of gravity was off thanks to the missing weight on his left side. He would go to grasp something or do something with his left hand only to pause awkwardly before switching to his right after realization hit him. He was still working out how to do basic things with only one hand. Dressing, bathing, eating and drinking weren't impossible but still took longer than he liked. He refused to ask his crew for help with anything, determined to be as self-sufficient as possible. His crew would roll their eyes, give him looks or glare at him if he ever outright refused help.

"We're nakama, idiot. Course the lads want to help you in any way they can, they always have. That's what makes us not just a crew, but a pack. Stop being so self-righteous as to think we'd only want to help you now that you've gone and let some fish eat your arm," Benn had said.

Speaking of…

Shanks opened his eyes and glanced back as he heard footsteps approaching him. Benn stopped and leaned against the railings, an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Still weird seeing you without your hat and log pose."

"How do you think I feel? But they're where they need to be for now."

"Mmm."

"Everything alright otherwise," Shanks asked.

"Yeah. Although, Lucky Roux is cooking his feelings still. There's another batch of Uta's favorite biscuits cooling in the galley and I saw him gearing up to make Luffy's lamb shanks again. He's even pairing it with that spicy spaghetti Ace likes and brewing Sabo's tea to pair with Uta's cookies. The others miss the pups just as much, but I think they're missing a bit of variety in their diets too."

Shanks looked down sadly at that. The crew were very much in the same boat as him. They were all happy to be out on the sea, heading to the Grand Line, however they were missing their pups as well. They'd all formed packbonds with them, but only Yasopp's Observation was strong enough to sense their feelings and none of them had Conqueror's that let them send their emotions besides Shanks.

"How are you feeling," Benn asked.

"As well as can be expected. What about you?"

"I'm always okay."

Shanks gave him a look at that.

"Fine. I miss the little hellions but planning for what comes next is a good distraction."

"And what comes next?"

"Have you given any thought to what I said about training your arm?"

Shanks looked down and away.

"Your sword arm is gone. People will take advantage of that. You're still good with your right but before we left the Grand Line, you were dueling Mihawk regularly and challenged Whitebeard. You're not at that same level with your swordsmanship anymore. You won't get there without training. Who better to train your right than the person who trained your left?"

"It's not that simple."

"Isn't it? It's not like we haven't seen him recently."

"Yes, but that was before. This year has changed things."

"Like?"

Shanks sighed at that, not sure how to articulate it.

Benn had suggested they stop at Sabaody and have Rayleigh train Shanks. It made sense. Rayleigh had trained him in almost everything else he knew. Still, drinking with Rayleigh was something vastly different than putting Shanks' personal growth back in his old packmate's hands, especially when that growth had the wellbeing of his pack riding on it. Shanks didn't hate him, but he certainly didn't trust him. He didn't know what he feared would happen with Rayleigh but it felt foolish to put himself on the line with him in that way.

Then there was also the other matter that Shanks hadn't managed to figure out a solution to. Ace had activated his Conqueror's Haki before Shanks left Dawn Island. Buggy and Eudora were helping to train his Devil Fruit, but neither had Conqueror's Haki. The only people involved in his life that did were Garp and Shanks himself. Shanks obviously wouldn't be able to and given Garp's idea of training, Shanks was not going to go to him and reveal any more about the pups' abilities than he needed to. Then, there was Rayleigh.

Rayleigh had trained Shanks in Conqueror's Haki. Given that Ace was Rouge and Roger's pup, he had no doubt that Ace's raw natural talent would be on par with his parents, which meant the kid needed a good mentor. For all his faults and his harsh methods, Rayleigh was a mentor who made sure those in his charge reached their potential. It wasn't Rayleigh's ability to teach that was giving Shanks pause though. Telling Rayleigh about Ace was fraught with possible consequences. There was no way he could be on Dawn Island without also seeing Uta and Luffy and he was sure his uncle would figure out who they were if they didn't outright tell him. Shanks had warned the twins that the truth of their parentage was not something that should be shared with anyone outside of Windmill Village, at least not yet, but Luffy could be careless and he didn't put it past his son to blurt it out casually without even meaning to.

Sending Rayleigh to train Ace also put him in Buggy's path. His brother had expressed no interest in having anything to do with their former pack. Ace too was reluctant to meet the Roger Pirates after Shanks had sat him down and told him the true story of everything that had led to Loguetown. He saw them as less than family after knowing that Shanks and Buggy had been abandoned. As far as he saw it, whether they knew Ace existed or not, they would likely have abandoned him too and if they wouldn't have, he didn't want to claim packmates who would stick by him simply because of blood when they didn't stick by the pups they had raised.

Technically, Shanks didn't have to do anything about Ace's Conqueror's Haki right now. He was still young, unlocking it at his age was rare in the first place. It wasn't like he was going to master it as a child. Shanks could wait until he became an Emperor and returned to Dawn Island to begin Ace's training himself. He was planning to take all four pups with him when he returned anyway. Ace didn't need to start training right now, it wasn't as crucial as training his Devil Fruit was. Regardless, Shanks would not send Rayleigh to Dawn Island without Buggy and Ace's consent. Getting said consent would be a moot point if he wasn't planning to see the old man though.

Benn looked at him in contemplation before his face set in a resolute mask and he met Shanks' gaze unwaveringly.

"Is this reluctance really about all the what-ifs you're getting hung up on or is it about the fact that you're finally coming around to just how hurt you really are about everything that happened with Rayleigh and your old crew?"

Shanks stared at his first mate, wide-eyed. His heart skipped at his words and his stomach flipped as a complicated coil of emotions settled in his gut.

"Before this year, it's been easy to bury all that in the booze and the adventure and the fighting. But now, after you've seen Buggy and Ace and had to dwell on all that happened to not only you but them and your mother as well, it's harder to ignore everything that's been left unsaid between the two of you."

Shanks exhaled a harsh breath at that.

"Is mincing words a foreign concept to you?"

"Don't have time for it. Like I said, we need to know what comes next," Benn replied stoically but Shanks could see the slight apology in his eyes.

"You're not… wrong. I suppose I may have chosen to ignore things in the past that I'm not sure I can anymore, not if I end up face to face with Ray. I don't know what I'm going to say but I don't think whatever it is will be pretty and it certainly won't be anything I can take back."

"Why should you want to? Maybe he ought to answer for what he has and hasn't done."

That stopped Shanks up short. Benn sighed then.

"I've never said because I didn't think it was my place, Rayleigh was your packmate, not mine, but it never sat well with me or the rest of the lads: you and him drinking and chatting together like everything that you went through after the execution didn't happen. Like you weren't a 15-year-old omega on the run by yourself with no support from your packmates. Like you weren't a pup left to figure out how to survive while the whole world was trying to kill you. Like you weren't abandoned by the people who should've been there for you as family let alone as nakama."

Shanks blinked as he saw a flash of protective anger and indignation in Benn's eyes.

"I know you don't like to dwell. Grudges aren't your thing and I respect that, but there are some things that are worth hanging on to. Being abandoned by your pack isn't something you should have to learn to live above. The old man shouldn't get a pass on answering for it, none of them should."

Shanks opened and closed his mouth, thrown for a loop. He hadn't known Benn felt this way, let alone the rest of his crew.

"If that's how you all see it, what's the point of going to see him for training?"

"Necessity. As much as I dislike him, this crew, this pack, is more important to me than any grudge. You're more important to me and so are the twins. Making sure we're at our best means that we become an Emperor-level crew. Once we do that, we get to go back to Windmill Village and leave with the pups onboard. If the trade-off for that is getting help from Rayleigh, then it's not something I'll dismiss out of hand. However, I don't want him to go thinking that this is something you'll owe him for."

"Ray wouldn't think that way."

"Maybe. Still, I think it's best to have all cards on the table if we go to Sabaody, including clearing the air between you two."

Shanks looked away, his mind racing with everything Benn had said. He didn't know what to think about all of that. On one hand, it did make him feel a certain warmth that his crew had felt this lingering resentment on his behalf. However, this wasn't a choice he could make right now, that much he knew for certain. Benn nodded when he said as much.

"We'll be entering through Reverse Mountain rather than the Calm Belt, you'll have time to think. Besides, Paradise will give us all time to flex our muscles against stronger opponents than the East has had to offer."

Shanks nodded in return. Benn squeezed his shoulder before retreating further into the ship. Shanks glanced down at his stump before drawing Griffin. He held the weight in his right hand, trying to become comfortable with the weight of it. He took a few experimental swings before pursing his lips.

He sat up straighter as he felt another surge of warmth and love and joy from the bond. A smile stretched across his lips at the confirmation that the twins were alright. His top priority was making sure it remained that way. If that meant training with Rayleigh…

"Whatever it takes."

---

The town of the beginning and the end.

It had been years since Shanks set foot in Loguetown. He had realized it was unhealthy to keep returning long ago, but here he was now. The Red Force needed a final restock before they officially crossed Reverse Mountain and made it to the Grand Line. They were taking the scenic route to the New World, so it made the most sense to stop in town before moving on.

Shanks didn't technically have to leave the ship. They wouldn't be staying long. There was no reason for Shanks to disembark, Benn had even warned him against it, but he still found himself walking the familiar streets towards the execution platform.

He remembered the day it happened so vividly. Shanks, Buggy and Rouge hadn't heard anything about Roger after he surrendered in Baterilla. The trio made it to a tiny island in the South Blue where Rouge managed to contact Rayleigh. She insisted he take the boys while she remained in the South. Buggy and Shanks travelled with Rayleigh on the caravel he borrowed from Shakky for about two months. It wasn't horrible, but Rayleigh was different. He drank more than usual. He was sullen and depressed. He was ignoring calls from the other members of the Roger Pirates. They couldn't know where any of their packmates were because all of the packbonds were suppressed. It was only after they got news of Roger being taken to Loguetown that some fire returned to Ray.

They sailed to the island and docked the night before the execution, meeting up with the other members of the Roger Pirates except for Rouge, Nekomamushi, Inuarashi, Oden and his family. They had initially been planning how they would free Roger until Sunbell told them the truth they didn't want to hear: Roger didn't need to be saved. If he wanted to leave his jail cell, he would've done it already. Roger wanted to die. He had achieved all he wanted and spent the last good months of his life with his closest family members. All that was left was for him to die a slow and painful death at the hands of something as mundane as sickness. Sunbell believed they were better off respecting his wishes and letting him die as he chose.

After Sunbell's words sunk in, there was a coldness in Rayleigh that Shanks rarely ever saw. He had seen Ray pissed off, had seen him angry, had seen him vengeful but he hadn't seen him cold like that and especially not towards his nakama. Ray disappeared for a long time before returning hours later and drinking the night away.

The next day, the pack watched in tears as Roger strutted onto the platform, started a new era and was executed. It was like someone reached into Shanks, pulled out the essence of who he was and ripped a piece away before shoving the jagged incomplete mess back inside of him. He barely registered anything for the rest of that day. He was aware of finding Buggy in the crowd, of clinging to his hand as they returned to the bar where the rest of their pack gathered in solemn grief. He wasn't cognizant of the conversation that the crew was having around them, he was too focused on the bleeding hole inside of him where his captain, his pack leader, his father, had once been. Then that yawning pit only opened up wider as he felt his packmates severing their bonds with him one by one. As each member of the defunct Roger Pirates left him, his soul fractured more and more.

"Keep your heads down and keep your noses clean for the next two years. Remember what we always told you, you can't go out on your own until you're at least 17 years old. I'll be looking out for your jolly rogers. Take care of each other," Rayleigh had said to them.

He squeezed their shoulders before walking out of the bar, leaving them with a bag full of berri each and the caravel to use as transport from Loguetown.

It wasn't long after he walked out of the bar that they felt their bond to him tear away, leaving them bereft and with only each other.

Shanks had spent his entire life as part of a pack. Even with having been abandoned as a newborn, he was raised from infancy aboard the Oro Jackson. His connections with them were something he took for granted. He thought they would always be there; it wasn't until they were suddenly gone that he realized just how fragile those bonds could be. Then Buggy was gone too and he was truly alone in the world. He could feel Buggy for a while, but then he blocked their bond. He didn't sever it, which might've been the only thing that saved Shanks from letting himself die, but it still felt like he was a single pillar adrift in the world. A tiny, microscopic speck that lacked significance and meaning, something that had no purpose or value to anyone or anything. He drifted for a year with nothing and no one. It wasn't until he met Beckman that he started to feel again.

Beckman recognized him, but more than anything, he saw a frightened and abandoned teen and took him in, let him build himself back up and figure out who he needed to be in order to survive. Then he found Lucky Roux, Hongo and Yasopp too. They all stood by him and believed him when he said he would become a pirate captain and sail the Grand Line, when he said he'd become one of the strongest of not only his generation but all time. They were with him when his first attempt failed, when he lost half his first crew and his first ship to the bloodhunt for Roger's pack. They were with him when he got the Red Force, when he built his crew back up. He gained Gab, Building Snake, Limejuice, Bonk Punch and Monster and then they were all with him when he re-entered the Grand Line and started to make a name for himself. They were with him when he reunited with Rayleigh for the first time. They were with him when he had the twins and with him through every hardship since. They became his pack, his family. They started to heal the pieces of Shanks that were ripped away when his parent pack left him.

Yet still, Shanks couldn't stop himself from feeling the hole that they left. He knew exactly where every member of his pack was meant to be. They had made a home inside his soul. His spirit had been a full, bright constellation of so many stars, each satellite providing him with warmth and love, bathing him in their light and allowing him to grow into a man he hoped was comparable to the magnificent inimitable giants he viewed his pack to be.

Then they were all gone.

Each packbond was ripped away from him like a line of falling dominoes and nothing had ever truly filled that space: not booze, not adventure, not lovers, not his new pack, not even his pups made it go away. All those things helped him weather it, gave him a reason to look forward to a new day, but he had accepted that he would always live with that hole inside of himself. Even after he saw Rayleigh again on Sabaody, after he encountered Crocus at the Twin Capes, after he saw Gaban on Water 7, it still didn't change anything. They didn't re-establish a formal bond, they didn't talk about the past, they didn't discuss anything that Shanks had been through since the execution, they just entered this nebulous place of civility and left it at that. But Benn was right. That couldn't persist if Shanks was going to become who he needed to be in order to reach the level of an Emperor. He couldn't keep holding on to the past, it couldn't dictate his life forever, and this was a start.

He went to the platform first. It still looked as simple as ever, yet its significance in his life couldn't be overstated. There was a crowd around it, staring up at the place where Roger had been 12 years ago, where he smiled his last smile, gave his last laugh, set the world on fire with his last words. The people loitering around the square seemed to have nothing more than a morbid fascination and curiosity about it all. There was none of the fervent excitement, wanderlust, grief or heartbreak that floated through the crowd on that day. For them, it was nothing more than a monument to a historical event that gave the city a rise in fame and tourism. His eyes lingered on the platform long enough to visualize the way Roger's blood had dripped down onto the sand before he turned away.

As pirates, they were meant to be buried at sea. Roger hadn't gotten that luxury. The Marines had burned his body and discarded the ashes who knew where. However, several Loguetown natives had created a memorial nestled amongst the maze of alleyways and shops. Technically, it was against the law, but it was a discreet tribute, so the Marines tended to look the other way. It existed at a four-way pedestrian intersection hidden from the street by shops on all sides. There was a marigold tree planted in the middle of the intersection with a large black ribbon tied around it. Affixed to one of the blocks bordering the base of the tree was a placard reading:

In honor of Loguetown's son, Gol D. Roger, 1447 – 1500.

The first to reach the end of the Grand Line and become King of the Pirates. In life, he flew his flag proudly. In death, many raise flags to carry on his adventurous spirit. May his soul be welcomed by Mother Ocean's embrace and find its way to Davy Jones.

"My treasure? If you want it, you can have it! Find it! I left everything this world has to offer there!"

The tree was surrounded by flowers, bottles of alcohol, stuffed animals and other tokens left in Roger's honor. Shanks smirked a little as he thought of what Roger would say:

"Well, that's just a waste of perfectly good booze."

He knelt in front of the tree and let his fingers linger on the quote inscribed on the placard. Roger's words always had power. Not just to the world, but to his pack and his family. Shanks still tried to live by his teachings. Even when he resented him, he wanted to be the kind of man Roger would be proud of.

Shanks felt his chest growing heavy. In the past, he would've shoved this feeling away ruthlessly, chased it down with a bottle of liquor and the nearest adventure he could find. His fingers twitched towards the bottles left by the tree before he snatched one up and opened it quickly, downing half the rum. He felt an urge to run away but he forced himself to stay.

"Hi Dad," he found himself saying.

"I know I haven't talked to you in a while. Things have been… eventful to say the least. I rediscovered my treasure and found other precious gems that have changed the course of my life. I know what I need to do now, I know who I need to be to do it, and that means letting go of who I was. I've been so annoyed at still being seen as your pup by other people but a part of me still feels like that boy, running around the Oro Jackson with no idea of what the world truly is. A boy saved by you. I never got a chance to thank you for that. If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have survived being in that treasure chest. But I'm also so mad at you for leaving, for not giving us a chance to try and save you, to try and find a way to keep you. I'm mad at you because our pack fell apart without you. They left Buggy and I behind, all alone in a world hellbent on killing us. If you hadn't left us first, then…"

Shanks shook his head, not wanting to get caught up in that familiar cycle. He tended to blame Roger for everything because he was easy to blame. He was gone so there was no way for him to defend himself or for them to talk things out. But Shanks had to admit to himself, even if only in the privacy of his own mind, that Roger would never have stood for what the crew did to him and Buggy. He would've been pissed, he would've been enraged, he would've knocked them all upside the head and ordered them not to take their eyes off his pups until they were ready to strike out on their own.

Recently, Shanks found himself contemplating whether Roger had considered this possibility after all. He hadn't entrusted Ace's wellbeing to any of the crew. Instead, he gave him to Garp who, while not the most stable or attentive guardian, had ensured Ace was somewhere relatively safe. Rayleigh hadn't done so for Shanks or Buggy. Shanks didn't want to dwell on that possibility.

"Anyway, I've been thinking lately about that day you surrendered to the Marines. I've been thinking about how close they were to finding Rouge, Buggy and me. I've been thinking about what I did for Luffy, about how easy that decision to give up a piece of myself for him was, and then I can't be as mad at you as I want to be. You were my father, my pack leader, my captain and your choice reflected that. I just… I wasn't ready to lose you. I don't think I'm ever going to fully forgive you for how I lost you. Even if you gave yourself up to the Marines for us, you could've gotten away from them later, you could've come back to us, you could've lived out your last days with us. Those days would've sucked for all of us, but I would've taken them over the entire Great Pirate Era any day of the week."

Shanks wiped aggressively at a tear that fell down his cheek.

"You'll always be my father, Captain. That claim on me still stands even if that bond is dead and gone. I'll always be yours, but I don't think that I can be theirs anymore. I suppose I haven't been theirs ever since they broke our bond and walked out of that bar. But now, for the sake of my pack and my family, I know that I need to let it all go. I can't claim them anymore and I won't. I'm not part of the Roger Pirates or their pack. I am the captain of the Red Hair Pirates with my own ship, my own crew, my own pack. I have a duty and responsibility to them that I will not let my past continue to cast a shadow over. I will rise to become an Emperor of the Sea and it will be off the strength of my own power, not because I was yours. And that's a promise. I won't live my life being held back by what I wish happened anymore. I have pups who need me, all of me."

Shanks looked down again, the emotions heavy in his chest.

"I'm always going to miss you and I don't want to say goodbye. I guess this is more of a 'see you later'. A long time from now, I'm going to join you in Davy Jones' locker. I'm going to rail at you for leaving me and I'm probably going to punch you too. Buggy definitely will and I hope Mom gave you a good thrashing when she saw you again, but after that, I'm going to hug you and tell you I love you. I hope you'll be proud of me then, but I'm not going to live my life for that anymore. I'm going to live it for my pack, for my family, for my pups. Whatever it takes."

He took a moment to breathe himself out. He stood and brushed off his pants. He polished off the rest of the rum before turning and making his way steadily to the Red Force. He didn't turn back to look at the memorial, didn't turn his head to the execution platform. He kept his gaze firmly towards the dock, towards his future.

When he returned, Benn must've seen something on his face because he clapped Shanks on the shoulder and led him to the captain's quarters. He made him sit on the edge of the bed and sat next to him, his familiar scent a comfort.

Shanks' tears took him by surprise. He thought he had a hold of himself. He said all he needed to say and now he should be fine, but it only took a few minutes of sitting next to Benn in silence before his throat seized, his eyes watered and sobs were slipping past his lips.

He realized with a sense of both terror and dismay that for the first time, he was honestly grieving. He had weathered the trauma of his parents' death, had pushed past it, had accepted it, but he had never truly sat down and let himself feel it, grieved it, released the agony that came from it. There was never time for that and even when there was, Shanks wouldn't let himself dwell on it for fear of the emotions it would cause. His instinct even now was to try and turn it off or run from it. He was the captain and the pack leader, he needed to be strong. He couldn't let his pack find him a blubbering mess over something that happened 12 years ago.

He jumped as Benn's hand curled into his own and his other wrapped around him, careful of his healing stump, to pull him into a protective and supportive embrace.

"I've got you, Chief. It's alright. Feel what you need to," he assured.

Shanks let out a shaky gasp at the words. He forcefully reminded himself that this was not just some alpha off the street, this was Benn, his first mate, his best friend. He could be vulnerable around Benn. He could be like this with all of his pack and they would never judge him.

With that in mind, Shanks let himself go. He allowed himself to cry. He allowed himself to grieve.

He grieved for Roger, his captain, his father, his pack leader. He grieved for the man who flipped the world upside down in hopes of inspiring people to chase freedom only for his hopes to be perverted by the masses and the World Government. The man who gave Shanks a chance at life and then walked out of it too soon.

He grieved for Rouge, his teacher, his role model, his mother. The woman who rocketed into his life in explosive fashion and changed it for the better. The woman determined to make the world bend to her overwhelming will. The woman who gave her all for her pups, including her life.

He grieved for Buggy, his friend, his partner in crime, his brother. He grieved for the lonely, abandoned boy he was. The boy who never felt like he was good enough. The boy who doubted his place in the world even among his own pack. He grieved for the wounded man that boy became. The man who hid his bitterness and angst behind a sharp smile. The man who couldn't admit his love for the woman who clearly loved him due to his persistent insecurities. The man who made the choice to never return to the sea he grew up in because he believed their family would choose Shanks' safety and wellbeing over his.

He grieved for Ace, his brother, his packmate, his. He grieved for the boy who never felt like he was worthy. The boy who believed his own life wasn't a precious thing. The boy who thought he deserved death and would seek it out rather than living the happy life of blissful ignorance that every pup should be afforded. The boy who would never know the love of a mother as fierce as Rouge, never know the care of a father as protective as Roger, never know the devotion of a father uncle as resolute as Rayleigh, never know the warmth of a pack as wild as the Roger Pirates.

He grieved for Sabo, his newest packmate, his pups' unofficial brother, his. The boy that had been neglected and rejected by his own pack. The boy whom Shanks could see himself reflected in in the worst ways. The boy who was literally dying of a broken heart. The boy who Shanks just barely managed to do anything to save and yet that boy was also his.

He grieved for Luffy and Uta, his jewels, his treasures, his pups. He grieved for the loneliness they had been made to endure, for the ostracism from the pups their age, for the neglect of the only family member they knew for most of their lives, for the uncertainty of their own worth, for the fear and insecurities they tried so hard to hide, for the way that the world would never accept them for who they truly were. He grieved for the pups who had already faced the darkness the world had to offer more times than they ever should've and been forced to figure out a way to survive it, forced to become resilient or else succumb to the darkness.

He grieved for his first pack, for the family he thought he had with them, for the wounds that they gouged in him when they left, for the happy life he had lived with them which was now overshadowed by all of the pain.

He grieved for the Oro Jackson, the place that was his home for half his life, the ship he hadn't seen in 13 years and would likely never see again.

He grieved for himself. For the childhood that was and for what it ended up being, for the losses he had suffered along the way, for the days he spent wallowing in loneliness, stewing in darkness, aching and longing and yearning for family, for pack, for them and they never came. They left him alone and afraid and abandoned. He had been forced to figure out how to accept that, live with it, move on from it, grow strong from it. He had been forced to be resilient because if he wasn't, if he broke, he would be fulfilling every stereotype there was about his second gender. He would become the hysterical omega whose sanity and existence were dependent on others. On alphas' dominant presence directing him, on betas' neutral calm stabilizing him, on a pack to give him purpose. He had to show he was more than that in order to fulfill his dream and carry on his mother's legacy, so he packed it away and became Red-Haired Shanks, a leader, a rebel, a pirate captain.

But now? Now, Shanks grieved. He let himself feel it and breathe it in, let his body ride the waves of the pain, leaned into the sorrow. He wouldn't let it hold him back anymore. He would let himself feel it all and then he would take the world by storm, with his heart just a bit lighter than it was before.

---

Shanks had forgotten how exhilarating traveling the long way around to the New World could be. It had been a while since he went over Reverse Mountain rather than sailing through the Calm Belt. Climbing the peak gave him a sense of youthful glee as did the looks on some of his packmates' faces when they had to quickly navigate around Laboon. Shanks was sure to hail Crocus as they sailed by and deliver Buggy's special 'fuck you' along with a one-finger salute from himself. His actions garnered snickers from his crew before they gave the old doctor the same greeting, much to the man's displeasure.

The Red Hair Pirates continued on, Building Snake's navigation taking them swiftly through Paradise. They were sure to stop at several islands in order to announce their return. They visited old friends for drinks and laughs, made new acquaintances and got into skirmishes which allowed Shanks to train his right arm in combat and let others see that he hadn't lost his lethality in his year away.

However, they were still only in Paradise. Their opponents were exponentially stronger than in the East Blue, but they weren't at the level of the New World. Most of the people they came across weren't even well-versed in Haki. Yet, Shanks found that he struggled more than he would've a year ago. He was never under serious threat, but he was keenly aware of his deficiencies in each battle fought.

Going to Sabaody for Rayleigh's help was looking more and more inevitable. He would be going with his new resolve, but he was still unsure how that confrontation would go. He knew he couldn't go back to the New World as he was. He wouldn't risk being unable to care for his pack or let his pups down in his promise to return to them. He needed a real challenge to test his limits, his prowess and strength. He needed someone that was his equal, someone that wouldn't hold back on him but someone that he could sustainably keep fighting. He needed to know his true strength before he got to the New World.

He gritted his teeth, shaking the thoughts away as he sat in a meditative pose on the figurehead of the Red Force. His arm had been hurting more than usual today. Probably because they were sailing by a winter island. The chill seeped past his skin and into his muscles and bones, causing what was left of his arm to flare in pain and stiffen uncomfortably. Hongo had advised that meditation could help ease some of the ache since Shanks was refusing medicine. He didn't want to become dependent on something like that and given that most of the medication wouldn't interact well with alcohol, which he had no intention of quitting, it was best to find alternatives. So, he was meditating, both to ignore the pain and in an attempt to continue honing his Observation. It was because of his meditative state that he was able to sense the attack coming towards him before it landed.

He quickly leapt into the air, clearing the first sharp slash of air that had been aiming for him, however he wasn't able to avoid the second one. He found himself tumbling end over end through the air, his cape flapping around him and momentarily obscuring his vision as he fell towards the sea. Rather than land in the water, he hit the wood of a small ship. He barely had time to groan before he instinctually pulled Griffin and blocked the next attack.

He pushed his assailant back as much as he could in the small space as he took a second to get his bearings. His lips stretched into a fierce grin as he registered who attacked him.

He glanced over at Mihawk as the swordsman regained his footing, having almost been pushed into the sea off the edge of Hitsugibune.

"Hello love, did you miss me?"

"About as much as a thorn in my side and don't call me that," Mihawk replied with a sneer on his lips.

"Don't call you what," Shanks said, playing ignorant.

Mihawk growled at him before moving forward with Yoru to strike. Shanks grinned and met him with Griffin. It felt strange, fighting against Mihawk with his right arm. It wasn't weak but it wasn't as strong as his left. The adrenaline that was coursing through him helped but he found himself on the defensive rather quickly, much to his consternation.

"I see your time away has made you soft," Mihawk commented, taking a slash towards Shanks' abdomen. He dodged it and struck out with Griffin, managing to open a small cut on Mihawk's cheek.

"There are very few things about me that could remain soft where you're concerned, dear."

Mihawk's face turned up at the innuendo, rolling his eyes so hard that Shanks couldn't help but laugh at the other man's exasperation.

"Heavens, I didn't miss your crass humor."

"But you did miss me, yeah? Don't deny it, why else would you deign to come to Paradise? There's nothing here to excite you but me."

"Awfully full of yourself, aren't you?"

"I'm prepared to be full of you."

Mihawk's face once again betrayed his annoyance.

"I suppose I should've seen that one coming."

Shanks smirked at that. The beta just made it too easy sometimes. He opened his mouth, five different quips ready to fly, but Mihawk shot him a harsh glare.

"Don't."

"What are you going to do to stop me," Shanks challenged.

Mihawk closed the small distance and they crossed blades once more.

Shanks found his blood singing as they fought in a way that he had craved for the past year. This was the kind of fight that he had been missing. Being back on the Grand Line was well and good, but his skills, whether having taken a hit from the loss of his arm or not, still far surpassed what Paradise had to offer. He and Mihawk were veterans of the New World. Their reputations were honed by the fire and blood of the chaotic beginnings of the Great Pirate Era, where pirates reached their zeniths in an instant before burning out as quickly as a dying star, where the old guard decided to cement their own legacies with extreme prejudice, not sparing any up and comers from the full brunt of their overwhelming power. Mihawk and Shanks came up in a world where being the best was a matter of survival. Any fight Shanks had with the pirates and Marines of Paradise would always pale in comparison to this. This was a clash of titans and the sheer power radiating off of them proved as much. Shanks was certain people could feel them islands away, their duel echoing across the Grand Line. His crew was taking the brunt of it if the alarmed and exasperated jeers was any indication.

"Who has Chief so riled up?"

"Who do you think?"

"Damn, Taka no Me's here already?"

"Thought we'd be spared this until we got to the New World."

"Great. Guess we better make ourselves scarce."

"Their foreplay is too dangerous for witnesses."

Shanks ignored his crew in favor of focusing on the fight. It was fierce, despite the limited terrain they had to battle on. Hitsugibune rocked wildly beneath them, tilting from side to side, but the coffin ship remained upright stubbornly, not cracking or bowing beneath the weight of their duel.

Shanks threw himself into the fight, giving it his full attention. He found himself having to rely more on his Observation Haki than he usually did during his fights, especially given Mihawk's prowess. He could cancel out the other man's unparalleled Observation with his Conqueror's but the two of them knew each other too well, were too well-versed in each other's fighting styles. Shanks had been watching him fight since the first day they met.

That had been a calm day, much like this one. The Oro Jackson had been sailing the New World during a rare lull in excitement for the Roger Pirates. That peace had been broken when a 17-year-old rookie pirate managed to slip past the Observation Haki of all the veterans onboard and was only discovered when he went to attack Rayleigh, challenging him to a duel on their honor as swordsmen. He had lost but Roger had been both amused and impressed at Mihawk's actions and made the young pirate stay so they could throw an impromptu party "in honor of the bravery and insanity of youth".

Shanks had not been pleased at first. He was offended that some rookie would have the audacity to attack Uncle Ray, and on the Oro Jackson no less with the entire crew present in the middle of their voyage on the open seas! The 14-year-old omega had been giving the older boy death glares the entire day, that is until Mihawk, who was enduring the festive mood with a look of distaste and bemusement, decided to challenge Rouge to a duel. Shanks initially believed he was doing so because he thought she was weak or because he was trying to claim her as his omega, despite the fact that the swordsman was very clearly a beta. Rouge had questioned the request but it was Mihawk's words that had stopped Shanks in his tracks.

"I aim to be the best. To be the best, you have to beat the best. Perhaps I aimed a bit too high at this juncture for the Dark King, but I know that Hibiscus Rouge is also formidable with a sword. I would be foolish not to use this opportunity to test my mettle against every swordsman I come across. I need to know what power I'll be expected to defeat on my way to the top."

Shanks had blinked at that. He made no mention of Rouge's first gender nor her second one. He didn't care who her captain or alpha mate was. He was purely interested in a fight based off their skills. His words seemed to betray the fact that he was aware that he would not win against her but he wanted to test his strength against her anyway, believing that she was one of those people he had to best on his road to be the World's Greatest Swordsman, implying that he respected her skill as a pirate regardless of any other labels that could be placed on her.

Shanks, who had manifested as an omega not even a year prior, was floored. His crew hadn't reacted badly to his manifestation per se. However, it was clear they were surprised he was an omega and slightly doubtful of what it would mean. He heard whispers about what they would do when he went into heat. Rouge's heats, as a mated omega, usually synced up with Roger's ruts and the crew would lock them away until it passed (not that Shanks was thrilled to have this knowledge, but Crocus insisted on the boys having adequate sexual education and their parents weren't exactly quiet during those times).

For Shanks, who had, embarrassingly enough, already experienced a heat while aboard the Jackson, he had been isolated from the crew for the first couple of days as his sexual arousal was at its peak, but then when the arousal faded to leave only the physical and mental impairment, Rouge and Roger came in and prepared a nest for him, helped along with blankets and trinkets gathered from the crew. They cared for him as they would when he was a much younger pup and had come down with a cold. Eventually, Buggy joined them in their nest as well. The familial physical contact was just as helpful and satisfying as any sexual contact would've been. However, the crew was still weird with him afterwards.

They initially tried to stop him from getting into battles and were hypervigilant of everything he did. It took Rouge knocking heads together before they stopped infantilizing him and let him continue as normal. And that was the reaction of people he knew his entire life. Others looked at him as weaker now that he manifested. Some even expected Roger to send him off the ship to become someone's mate once he came of age. He shivered in disgust as he recalled how one of Whitebeard's sons, Marshall D. Teach, had gone to Roger and Newgate and asked if he could have Shanks for a mate once they were old enough. Roger, as pack leader, could receive mating requests for his packmates but he was not the kind of leader that would ever agree to such a thing without their consent, something Teach obviously didn't care about. He saw Shanks as an object to be bartered and traded. Roger had roundly rejected the request and Newgate had sternly lectured Teach after Shanks expressed his displeasure. Shanks was still livid about it all months later.

But here was Mihawk, blithely disregarding Rouge's second gender as if it meant nothing and cutting straight to who she was as a person. Part of Shanks wanted to believe it was because he was a beta, but most of the Roger Pirates were betas and had treated Shanks differently regardless of their longstanding history together. Perhaps this was just a Mihawk thing, in which case…

"I really hope you're drooling over Seagull's food and not the crazy guy who somehow managed to sneak on our ship in open waters, despite there being no less than five users of Advanced Observation on the crew, just to challenge Uncle Ray to a duel," Buggy had hissed in his ear as Shanks felt his cheeks flaming with a blush.

"Aren't his eyes so pretty," Shanks had replied, staring unabashedly at the older boy as he and Rouge moved to start their duel.

"Oh maiden, give me strength," Buggy muttered in return.

Mihawk had lost his duel against Rouge but he earned a nod of respect from her and an even deeper blush from Shanks after the young swordsman politely and stiffly thanked her for the fight.

"Dad, I think I'm in love," Shanks had announced as they stood at the bow, watching Mihawk sail away in his small boat.

Roger had laughed boisterously before patting his head, pushing his strawhat over his eyes in the process.

"Course you are. You're my boy after all, so it makes sense you'd fall for someone obsessed with pointy things," the alpha had teased, glancing over to where Rouge and Rayleigh were cleaning and sharpening their blades next to one another after their duels.

"He's a beta though and I'm an omega. We're not supposed to be together," Shanks had asked uncertainly.

Roger had tilted his head up so their eyes met.

"You're a pirate. Pirates take what they want and they don't have any qualms about coloring outside the lines to do it. Just make sure you do that with young Dracule over there once you're of age. Seas knows your mother and Rayleigh aren't ready to see you boys grow up and leave us behind just yet."

A snort came from Rayleigh then.

"Remind me which one of us cried for an hour after the boys manifested because I'm pretty sure it wasn't one of us," he shot at the captain, who immediately began protesting.

Shanks had ignored their bantering and kept his eyes on Mihawk's retreating form, resolving to himself that he wanted him and so he was going to have him.

It didn't happen until five years later, but eventually, he got him. 14-year-old Shanks' fantasies of having Mihawk were decidedly more saccharine than their dynamic turned out to be, but Shanks would have it no other way. He preferred this fire, this grit, this tension over the syrupy-sweet fancies of his youth.

"You know, the least you could do after being gone for a year is take this fight seriously," Mihawk groused as Shanks parried another of his strikes, still playing defensive as it was quickly apparent to him that he wasn't as strong as Mihawk was at the moment.

"Aww, you really did miss me, darling? I'm flattered."

"And I'm insulted. Am I not worth your full strength, Akagami? Why do you not use your sword arm?"

It was then that Shanks realized Mihawk couldn't see that his left arm was gone. His cape was covering the vulnerable side of his body, concealing the missing arm from view. Perhaps because of this choice, the rumors about his missing arm hadn't spread as widely as he believed.

Shanks wasn't sure how to respond. It wasn't like he could hide the truth forever, nor did he want to. He supposed he was just… anxious about what Mihawk's reaction would be. Their interactions were conducted under the premise that they were rivals on equal footing coming together to test each other. It was obvious to Shanks during this fight that he was not Mihawk's equal anymore. That wasn't to say he couldn't get there. Their fight was still close and with a few months under Rayleigh's tutelage, he could return to where he was when he left the Grand Line, but would Mihawk still see him as an equal now?

He spent too long contemplating this, long enough that Mihawk was able to disarm him and press Yoru to his neck, ending the fight.

"As I said, soft," the older man taunted, pressing Yoru into Shanks' skin just enough to open up a small cut on his throat.

"Well, you won. To the victor goes the spoils, I guess," he replied, a smile on his lips that was only half-genuine. There was still uncertainty roiling in his gut but also anticipation. It had been a year. In the privacy of his own head, he could admit that he did miss Mihawk. He wondered about him while he was away, what he was up to, if he had found another rival in Shanks' absence, if he spent the year bored and missing Shanks on that gloomy island of his. It was a gratifying thought to dwell on. He liked to imagine that he meant something more to the swordsman, that he was someone whose presence made up a significant part of Mihawk's life. He liked to imagine he was someone that Hawk Eyes Mihawk might miss.

Shanks didn't flinch as Yoru was maneuvered so the edge of the blade was still pressed to his throat while Mihawk leaned in close to him. His eyes dropped to the other man's lips with barely concealed hope. A wealth of relief and desire flooded him when Mihawk's lips finally met his own. He practically melted into the kiss, although the blade cutting into his neck stopped him from moving any closer as it cut open an even large wound against his skin. He was distantly aware of blood dripping down his neck towards his chest, likely staining his shirt, but he didn't give a damn at the moment. He returned the kiss with all the fervor of a starving man being led to water. He snaked a hand into Mihawk's coat to pull him closer as they sparred not with swords but with lips, their kiss merely an extension of the duel they'd just been fighting.

He felt a surge of satisfaction when Mihawk finally removed the sword from Shanks' neck and pulled him flush against him, deepening their kiss. An involuntary hum left him as Mihawk's tongue met his. He gripped his coat tighter, pulling him in closer. He wanted nothing more than to reacquaint himself with the other's body, to feel him all around him and over him and inside of him. He pushed their lips together just a bit harder, shivering at the feeling of Mihawk's body flush against his own. It was because they were so close together that he felt when the older man stiffened.

Shanks stared at him with confusion when he pulled away.

"What's wrong?"

Mihawk wasn't looking at him, he was looking at Shanks' shoulder. His left shoulder. Sometime during their kiss, Mihawk had loosened the string on Shanks' cape, making it fall to the boat and revealing the space where his arm had once been.

Shanks felt something akin to fear as he took in Mihawk's blank expression but he covered it up with a carefree grin.

"Yeah, forgot to mention that, didn't I?"

"You're missing an arm."

"Guess I misplaced it," Shanks joked.

Mihawk's face remained blank. Shanks pouted in reply.

"You never laugh at my jokes. Anyone else would think you don't find me funny but I just think you lack a sense of humor."

"I hardly see what's funny about this."

"Well, I thought it was funny. It's my damn arm, if I can't make jokes about it, then who the hell can," he muttered in reply.

"I see now why you chose to come back via Reverse Mountain rather than the Calm Belt."

Shanks bristled at that.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means we're done here," the swordsman replied as he sheathed Yoru.

Shanks felt his insides freeze a little as he stared at Mihawk. His face was frustratingly blank.

"And when you say we're done…?"

"These little meetings existed because we were equals of comparative strength to one another. As that is no longer the case—"

"Are you calling me weak," Shanks gritted out, cutting the older man off.

"You were in the East and you've come back sans an arm, your hat and your log pose. What else am I to think but that you are no longer the man I believed you to be?"

"Oh, you asshole. Fuck you, you don't know what happened."

"Nor will I be asking. It matters little. The outcome is the same. Something in the East Blue was strong enough to do this to you, ergo you aren't the rival I believed you to be."

"And that's all I am to you? Just a rival?"

"What more would you be to me?"

"Cut the shit, Hawky. What is this? What are you doing? Why are you…?"

Why are you trying to leave me?

Shanks had to physically bite his tongue to stop the words. He was not going to do this right now. He already had too much shit swirling around his head to have to worry about this too.

"Right. I believe we're done here," Mihawk concluded after Shanks said nothing more.

The redhead watched Mihawk turn around and felt an even greater surge of anger well up inside him, anger that had a growl rumbling through his chest.

"Hey Hawky," he called.

The older man sighed before turning back to face Shanks. He immediately caught a fist to the face. Blood began dripping down his nose and lip as a result.

"Was that weak?"

"Must you be so dramatic about this? It's not as if we were ever—"

Shanks pushed the man hard, sending him off the edge of his boat and into the sea.

"If you finish that sentence, I will rip your fucking throat out," he spat at Mihawk as he resurfaced, looking like a disgruntled cat as his wet feather hung into his face. Any other day, he would laugh at that, but he was too pissed right now.

He turned around as he heard the sound of the rope ladder being thrown over the side of the Red Force. Shanks snatched up his cape and began climbing, his progress hampered by his singular hand but aided by his anger. He stopped when he was about halfway up. Mihawk had climbed back into his boat and was lighting the candles as he readied himself to leave. Shanks pursed his lips, feeling the need to justify the loss of his arm to the other man.

"I don't regret losing my arm. I traded it for something much more important to me than a bloody limb, sword arm or not. There are things more valuable in this world than a title, a reputation and some accolades, things you got bored of the minute you received them. It's not weak to love somebody. It's not weakness to be part of something that links your soul to someone else. It's not weakness to put your life in someone else's hands every now and again and it's certainly not weakness for them to trust you with theirs. I gave my arm to safeguard all of that. What exists for you past your dream, huh? What do you even have?"

"You."

Shanks snapped his mouth shut at that, surprised at Mihawk's confession. He wouldn't have thought those words would have ever left the confines of the other man's mind.

"Clearly, I was mistaken to believe so."

Shanks' anger came roaring back at that and he clambered the rest of the way up the rope ladder before accepting Benn's assistance on to the ship. His first mate's face didn't betray much emotion but it was clear he wasn't exactly thrilled about the turn of events, though he didn't comment on it. None of his crew ever commented on his relationship with Mihawk.

Shanks turned around, watching as Hitsugibune sailed away in the opposite direction of the Red Force, liquid anger still flowing hot in his veins. Shanks made a beeline for the rigging and climbed up them before calling out.

"This doesn't make me weak, Hawky! I'm going to show you as much next time I see you. I swear on my honor as a pirate, I'm going to kick your fucking ass."

"There won't be a next time, Akagami."

"We'll see about that."

---

Shanks spent the next few weeks fueled by the righteous anger that Mihawk engendered in him. That anger took him through Paradise, all the way to Sabaody and didn't waver at all until he found himself standing outside of Shakky's Rip-Off Bar.

He hesitated, looking up at the familiar building which he previously had no issue entering. Now, things felt different. He was different. He thought back to when he last saw Rayleigh. It was before his fight with Whitebeard. Rayleigh rarely ever left Sabaody but Shanks ran into him in Hachinosu. Apparently, he had pulled some stunt that involved swindling an old friend of Shakky's, which threatened her information network, and his wife was ticked off enough to run him out of the archipelago altogether. He was giving her time to cool down. As usually happened when they met up, they drank together and traded stories along with all the whispers Shakky was privy to. They didn't mention anything about the past, they never did. Then Rayleigh went off to gamble and drink some more, lost most of his money, passed out, and Shanks brought him to a hotel to sleep off the booze before he and his crew set out.

That had become their new normal over the past 12 years. No one would truly be able to tell that he and Rayleigh had known each other since Shanks was just an infant, that he was the man who held his arms as he took his first steps, that he helped him swing his first sword, that he taught him how to direct his Conqueror's Haki, that he held him when he was sick and wiped his tears when he cried, that despite bearing the title 'uncle' he was effectively Shanks' second father. From an outside perspective, they would appear to be nothing more than two old but distant acquaintances. It hurt Shanks that that was the reality but he hadn't chosen that, Rayleigh had. It was time for Shanks to take control of the bonds in his life, both broken and otherwise.

He glanced behind him and nodded at his crew, most of whom had joined him on his trip. Once they all stepped inside, they separated. Shanks could see where his own seat would be. The one next to Rayleigh was free. He took a deep breath before approaching. He sat down and nodded to Shakky with a smile. She returned it and wordlessly placed an open bottle of West Blue saké in front of him. Shanks took two long gulps before he finally acknowledged Rayleigh with a nod.

"Red, it's good to have you back."

He turned to find the old man looking at his face, though his eyes flickered to his left shoulder and his bare head three times before settling on his face again. Shanks had deliberately forgone his cape so the fact his arm was missing was on display.

"I see the rumors are true. I'm almost frightened to ask what happened to make you lose your arm along with Roger's hat and Rouge's log pose."

"I didn't lose them. I bet them on the new era."

"The new era, eh? That's risky."

"Risk is chance. You're a gambler, aren't you? I saw a good hand. A bet is much less of a risk when the goal is worth it."

"Is that so? And you found all that in the East?"

Shanks wasn't really surprised that Rayleigh knew where he was. Shakky was an information connoisseur and Whitebeard said he kept in touch with Rayleigh over the years.

"Yeah, I did."

A complicated look crossed Rayleigh's face, one Shanks couldn't decipher, before an enigmatic smile alighted his lips.

"I guess there are some gems that come out of the East."

For a single moment Shanks felt his insides freeze. Rayleigh didn't know about the twins or Ace, how could he? Shanks was careful and as much as Shakky had her ear to the ground, whispers weren't loud enough from a place like Dawn Island to float to her. Rayleigh would've said something to him earlier if he knew. Unless he only figured it out during Shanks' time away.

"Who would've thought the man who would become the Pirate King would have come from the weakest of the four Blues, right?"

Relief seeped into his veins at those words. Of course he meant Roger, not the pups. Shanks blinked once that registered. He and Rayleigh didn't often discuss Roger and if they did, they were drunker than this.

"Yeah, but what does your past really matter if you have the heart to strive for your dream?"

"Rouge's words," Rayleigh recognized with a larger smile.

"She was the wisest of us all."

"She was indeed, though her choice in mate raised questions. She isn't the only one in that boat though," he continued, shooting a look at Shakky who smirked while pouring drinks.

"Oh, I'm well aware I'm out of your league, old man. You're lucky I give you the time of day."

"Why, yes I am."

An involuntary smile crossed Shanks' lips. For all his issues with Rayleigh, he didn't begrudge him his happiness. It had been something of a shock to find out during one of his visits that he had mated with the alpha woman and then went on to marry her. Alpha/alpha relationships were generally looked down upon and even outlawed in some countries. The law mattered little to pirates like Shakky and Rayleigh, whether retired or not, but Shanks had still been surprised by the turn of events. The two of them seemed suited to one another though.

"How's Blue doing? I check in on the whispers about him but getting a direct update from someone is rare."

"Buggy's alright. Told me to give you an extra special fuck you when I see you."

"Sounds like the brat," Rayleigh snorted.

"He's not a brat anymore. He's a captain of his own crew and a pack leader in his own right," Shanks replied, feeling the need to defend his brother.

"You're right about that much. Still, as someone who has seen you boys when you couldn't even reach anyone's knee, I think I have the right to call you two brats. The Rogers' brats, our troublemakers and our headaches. I know Roger and Rouge's head would be pounding after seeing you down to three limbs. They'd have some choice words for you," Rayleigh continued, nodding towards Shanks' arm.

"I'm sure, but they'd understand why I lost it. That's part of why I'm here though. I need to be at the top of my game when I return to the New World. As I am right now, it's not going to cut it. I'm hoping you can help me with that."

"You want me to train you?"

"There aren't many swordsmen and Haki users on your level that could feasibly train me."

"I can help you, although you know I won't be gentle."

"I don't need gentle, I need to be the best. You're one of the best teachers in the world and I know I can trust you with this much."

Rayleigh paused at that.

"Trust me with 'this much'?"

Shanks stiffened a little, not realizing how his words could've been taken. However, he wasn't going to take it back now. He had come here with the intention of saying all he needed to say, that included the tough and uncomfortable things.

"When I go back to the New World, I'm not going to mess around. I am going to reach the top. That bet I made depends on it. It was more than a bet really, it was a promise."

Rayleigh's face changed then, keenly aware of how important promises were to Shanks.

"A promise to do what?"

"I'm going to become an Emperor of the Sea," Shanks announced confidently.

Rayleigh took that in before responding.

"Historically, there have only ever been four at a time. You'll have to knock one of them off their throne to take their place."

"Which is exactly why I can't return to the New World like this. I need to be not only as strong as I was when I left, but stronger. I need to be faster, more observant, more powerful. I need to be better. I won't falter in this goal, I need to reach it. There isn't any other option."

Rayleigh narrowed his eyes at that.

"What exactly have you gotten yourself into here, Red?"

"I can't get into it, but it's like I said, the new era is coming soon. There are pups out there with dreams as big as Roger hoped for the world to dream and the will to fight for those dreams. I have no excuse to do any less than them. If my dream helps pave a world where they can reach their dreams as well, then I have a duty to do so. However, that also means that I need to shed all the baggage from before now to become who I need to be. I'm the captain of the Red Hair Pirates, I'm a pack leader myself. I can't keep being Roger's pup. I can't keep being Rouge's pup."

Shanks paused there and took a deep breath before making the final plunge.

"I can't keep being that same pup who watched you and everyone else in my pack walk away, leaving Buggy and I to fend for ourselves."

Rayleigh froze at that, his body going rigid as he stared at Shanks, his eyes wide.

"Red, I… I don't—"

"Let him finish. He needs to say his piece and you need to hear it," Shakky interrupted sternly, reminding them that she was still there and so was everyone else in the bar, though most seemed too drunk to pay them any mind.

Shanks glanced over at the raven-haired woman, surprised at her interjection and the firmness in her words. She gave Shanks a nod of encouragement before she continued to wipe down the bar.

"This isn't coming out of nowhere, as much as it may seem that way. I haven't said anything before now to keep the peace and, honestly, to run away from the fact that I feel this way at all, but this past year has given me a chance to dwell on things. It's helped me remember just how disappointed and heartbroken and angry I was after you left us. Why did you make that choice that day? It's not like you didn't know the Marines were hunting down the crew. They were looking for Rouge and Roger's pup before they were even born, let alone Buggy and I, but you still left us. Why?"

"I…" Rayleigh trailed off with a sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. His wrinkles appeared so much deeper now that his face was crumbled with weariness and sorrow. It made Shanks keenly aware of just how old Rayleigh was.

"I wasn't thinking clearly. Everything with Roger was still so fresh. You know, I saw him the night before the execution."

Shanks' eyebrows ticked up at that.

"I wanted to rescue him, to get him out of that cell. He refused, said he'd made his choice and if I was the man he loved, I'd accept it. Bastard, throwing that in my face. But I accepted it anyway. I walked away and the next day, I watched him die. I was his first mate, his best friend, I was his, and I let him be killed while I stood by and did nothing. In the last moment of his life, he turned his fading flame into a huge fire that enveloped the world. I've never laughed more than on that day, I've never cried more than on that day, I've never drank more either, I've never felt like shit more. He was our captain and he was a magnificent man, and then he was gone. I felt like a failure. I couldn't see how I could protect you and Buggy when I couldn't even protect him."

"We were little more than pups, he was a grown man who made his choice about how he wanted his life to end. Was it a selfish choice? Seas, yes. I'll never forgive him for doing that to us, but Buggy and I needed you more than he needed you."

"I know that, but I… I wasn't thinking about it that way then. Honestly, when I left you, I did it with the intention of finding a hole where I could die in. I was going to end it all that day. Roger was gone and I felt it so strongly. My soul was in pieces and I couldn't put it back together. All I wanted to do was drink down a bottle of the strongest rum I could find, take my sword to my throat and be done with it. I think all of us had that idea when we met back up in that bar after the execution. I can't speak for the rest of the crew, but I cut my packbonds with you and Buggy so you wouldn't feel it when it happened."

Shanks bit back a sigh and looked away. He knew that feeling. It had crept up on him more than once through the years, but he always had someone there that needed him too much for that to ever be a serious option. There was Buggy in the beginning, then eventually there was Benn and the rest of the crew, then there were the twins. Even before Benn, when Shanks was completely alone, he held on to the hope that Rouge was still out there waiting for the right time to find him so they could be together again. That hope wouldn't let him completely fade away.

A broken smile crossed Rayleigh's lips.

"But Rouge stopped me. I was still connected to her. I knew that wherever she was, she felt Roger die and that the way she felt it would've been infinitely worse than any of us. We were his packmates so it ripped a piece of us away, but she was his mate. They had claimed one another, shared a bite and so they shared a piece of their souls with one another as well as a piece of their heart. Losing a mate, having them die, it's like you die yourself. A piece of you does for sure, maybe something a little more substantial than just a piece. It changes you, forever."

Shanks took note that Rayleigh sounded like he was speaking from experience even though the only official mate Shanks knew of that he ever had was Shakky, who was alive and well.

"Rouge was alone suffering the loss. She wasn't there to see it either, it hit her by surprise. I worried what it was doing to her and the baby. I couldn't let her feel me die too and I didn't want to break our connection just then for fear of what that might do to her, so I held on. By the time I felt her go, I was already here with Shakky. She wouldn't let me kick the bucket no matter how much I tried. I spent years in the darkest hole I've been in in my entire life. I didn't know what was going on around me most days. I wasn't well enough to be there for you or Blue. I figured since you two were the cabin boys, you wouldn't be the hunt's priority anyway. When I saw you again years later, you seemed alright."

"I was alright then. I hadn't been alright for a long time before that. Buggy and I weren't just the cabin boys, we were Roger's boys, his pups. As far as the World Government was concerned, whether that was by blood or by oath didn't matter, we still had a target on our backs. Did you forget we had a bounty on our heads before our tenth birthday? Did you forget we had been targeted during battles with the Marines more times than I can count? Did you forget that the world didn't see us as mere pups? We were pursued, relentlessly. The Marines wanted our heads and they had no qualms about when or how they got it. We lost nakama, packmates who risked their lives, gave their lives for us. The things we saw, endured, survived… I don't think I'll be able to put those horrors into words even now. That bloodhunt didn't spare us. So if that's what you thought would happen, you were mistaken."

"That much is obvious to me now. Shanks, I'm—"

"I don't want an apology and I don't want to rehash every bad decision that led us here. I'm alright now, but it wasn't thanks to you and sure as hell wasn't thanks to any other former member of the Roger Pirates. You all left me. You cut me off, severed our bonds and abandoned me on my own as a 15-year-old kid with one bag of berri to my name in the East Blue where I had no allies and knew nobody. I survived those first few years through luck and what seemed to be divine intervention along with having to force myself to become resilient. It took a long time to be able to rely on other people again, to be able to associate a pack as something that could be good, to be able to accept that not every bond I made was bound to end in pain. To be honest, I still struggle to completely trust my pack somedays. But if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here. No amount of resilience could replace what they've given me. They're my people now, not the Roger Pirates. They're my pack now, not any of you. They're my future. I'm not sure at this point what kind of role you play in that future beyond mentor, so don't apologize. I'm not in a place where I can accept it or appreciate it."

"You're not obligated to accept it, but you have it anyway. And anything else you need from me."

"All I need is your training so that I can be the best. I can't afford to lose once I'm in the New World, not even one time. For everyone who's depending on me, I need to be able to do what I have to do."

"And I'll make sure that you do. I didn't do right by you before, but I will now. I give you my word, for whatever its worth to you."

"I'll seek you out soon so we can hash out the details of my training," he said in lieu of addressing that before turning and approaching the table where Benn, Gab, Limejuice and Yasopp were seated, playing cards.

"Deal me in," Shanks said by way of greeting before accepting the cards from Gab.

"Everything alright," Benn asked as he settled in.

Shanks took a moment to think it over. He still felt like there were a few pieces missing but this was as good a start as any.

"For now. I guess we'll see how it goes."

Benn nodded in return and turned back to the cards. Shanks did the same. He resolved not to keep dwelling on things like this, his focus would be the future and nothing more.

---

Training with Rayleigh was nothing new for Shanks. He had done so since he was a pup, but it was different to do so now. The two of them focused mainly on their training and Shanks was advancing at a speed which satisfied him. On a personal level, they were in a strange place. Rayleigh walked on eggshells around him, unsure of what was allowed and what wasn't. Shanks wasn't entirely sure either, so his boundaries tended to be nebulous and ever-changing, constantly forcing them into awkward situations that neither was sure how to navigate.

Having his crew around helped. It gave him an outlet, people he trusted that he could retreat to. Sometimes, his packmates would accompany him and sit in on the training, providing a neutral third party, though they had their qualms with Rayleigh. Shakky provided solace for Rayleigh and Shanks when she would occasionally pop in and bring drinks and snacks for the two. All in all, it was a weird situation that Shanks wasn't entirely pleased with but he didn't know how to break them from this cycle, especially now that they were months into his training. Rayleigh had set out a six-month training regimen given Shanks' eagerness to get to the New World. It meant the training was more intense than anything else he'd done before. Most days, he was too exhausted to do more than eat and collapse asleep, so he didn't have much time to dwell on the state of things outside of his training sessions, which probably wasn't for the best.

Benn kept advising him to do what felt right for him, telling him he shouldn't be overly concerned with Rayleigh's comfort at the end of the day. That was easier said than done, especially when Shanks was still sure that there was another piece to the puzzle that he was missing, another reason why Rayleigh left Shanks and Buggy behind that day in the bar. It was an inkling that was clouding everything he did in regard to Rayleigh, but it wasn't something he was overly eager to bring up.

The two sat in a field now, not too far from Shakky's bar. Shanks was meant to be meditating, using his Observation to sense the intentions and emotions of everyone in a 10-mile radius. Shanks could usually only sense presences past a 5-mile radius unless he was highly connected or focused on a target, but the point of Rayleigh's training was to push him.

He tried not to get sucked in to any particular location and stretched his awareness as far as it would go, feeling the many people blinking into existence in his mind, their intentions and emotions and strength. Many of them were little more than background noise, but on one of the groves was a collection of misery and despair mixed with elation and a depraved sort of desire. The auction house he suspected. There were a few people there whose strength outweighed others but not by a significant amount. He winced as he felt the hopelessness spike sharply, his head pounding with the feeling.

"You've settled somewhere again," Rayleigh pointed out.

Shanks sighed with frustration.

"The emotions are too strong, it keeps pulling me in."

"Hmm. Are you able to gauge where you are," Rayleigh asked.

"The auction house, I think."

"All the way in Grove 1? That's 13 miles away. Impressive. What are you feeling?"

"It's an auction house, what do you think?"

"Vocalize it."

"Pain, despair, anguish, gloom."

"Is that all?"

"There's also pride, greed, desire, longing, joy."

Shanks grit his teeth at the wildly differing emotions, disgusted at what was allowed to exist despite the laws against slavery.

"Narrow it down. I want you to focus on one person."

"Why?"

"Going out that far is all well and good but the real test is focusing on a target that far out."

Shanks didn't want to, but he knew it was important to his training. He let his mind range until it latched on to someone whose emotions were jumping out at him the most.

"Have you got a lock on someone?"

"Yes…" he breathed out, huffing out a breath as the person's aura hit him with all the force of a hammer.

"Tell me about it."

"It's a man. He's an omega, I think, it's, it's hard to tell. His aura is stronger than most of the others there but he's been weakened in some way. He feels hunger, so much hunger."

Shanks felt it in his stomach, a gnawing feeling that permeated his insides.

"Is it really hunger? Look deeper."

Shanks scrunched his brows, trying to feel past what he was sure was hunger. There was a hollow feeling in the man's stomach and bone-deep longing, what else could it be other than hunger? He pushed closer to see past the surface level into the intent behind the feeling. He realized then that it wasn't hunger so much as it was longing, an all-encompassing sort of longing. It was then that he felt a familiar gaping void inside the omega man's aura, evidence of a loss that Shanks had only just healed from himself.

He felt himself being pulled down into the man's despair, his memories from not too long ago quickly resurfacing as he recalled all too vividly what it felt like to have his soul tearing itself apart, trying to get to his pups. It was like he was feeling every inch of distance all over again. He couldn't find their bond within himself, only the unmoored tether between them trying to pull them back together again unsuccessfully. It felt like it was going to rip his heart right out of his chest and send it flying across the sea towards his twins, wherever they were.

No, Shanks knew where they were, he had reunited with them already and he was going to return to them, he had promised. It was hard to remember that when this omega's feelings were so strong. Maybe he had imagined it all, maybe he hadn't seen Luffy and Uta again, maybe they were all alone who knew where with no clue whatsoever how much he loved them, how wanted they were, how precious.

Or what if it was all real, and in the end, Shanks broke their promise? What if he didn't become an Emperor and never got to see them again? What if they hated him for breaking his promise to them?

He felt like a failure as a father and—

Shanks startled as his head twisted to the side with the force of the slap Rayleigh hit him with.

He turned to face the older man incredulously.

"Sorry, it didn't look like I was getting through to you any other way."

"What was that?"

"You sunk in too deep, enmeshed yourself too closely to whoever you were looking into."

"That's never happened before," Shanks replied breathlessly.

"I suspect you've never sunk that deep before."

Rayleigh was watching him carefully. Shanks wasn't sure why until he noticed that his hand was shaking. Not just his hand, his whole body. He could feel the adrenaline rushing through him, prompting him to hop to his feet and begin pacing aimlessly. There were tingles running through him, his head was pounding, his chest was aching. He felt fear and longing still, bone-deep despair that wasn't going away no matter how much he logically told himself that it wasn't necessary to feel it. He had found his treasures again and they were safe. He could reach out and feel them right now. He didn't do so, not while he was like this. He feared he might will his emotions to them and he didn't want that.

He flinched hard when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Red, I need you to calm down."

Shanks scoffed at that. He would if he could, but everything felt strange and he wasn't sure where his emotions started and the other omega's ended.

"You need to take a deep breath."

"Please don't tell me what I need."

"I'm just trying to help you."

"It's a little late for that, don't you think," he snapped back.

Rayleigh flinched a little in reply.

"Red—"

"Don't call me that! You don't have the right to anymore, I'm not your pup anymore! You chose that and I still don't even know why!"

Shanks huffed angrily, pressing his hand to his rabbiting heart. Panic and anxiety were thrumming through him and his thoughts were a scattered mess. He could barely process what
was happening or what he was even saying.

"I told you—"

"I heard what you said. You were planning to follow Roger to the grave, you and apparently everyone else on the crew, and leave Buggy and I to fend for ourselves. Except you didn't kill yourself, yet you abandoned us anyway, so what was the point of leaving us? Do you have any idea how many times I came face to face with some enemy from Roger's past who wanted my head or worse? You can't know the number of times I faced death before I ever went out to sea, how many times I was looked at as little more than an omega to own or exploit, how many times I lost friends and people I loved. There are people I knew a fraction of the time I knew the Roger Pirates who chose to die for me, even when I would've rather have died myself, people I only met in the first place because you left! And all you can say is it's because you felt shitty about Roger? How do you think I felt? He was my father and he chose to die in a blaze of glory rather than spend his last days with his family. I lost him by his own choice. I lost Mom because of his choices as well and all I had left were all of you. The Roger Pirates were the only family I ever knew and you left me alone! Tell me why!"

"I already—"

"What did I do wrong?!"

"You didn't—"

"Was I really so awful that you couldn't bear to raise me anymore?! Or was it because you thought I was too weak to have around? Tell me the real reason why you left!"

"Because you remind me of Roger!"

Shanks stopped short at that, staring at the older man.

"I planned to take you and Buggy with me initially, but the more I sat there in that bar, I dwelled more and more on Roger and what the world lost with him gone, what I lost and I just couldn't…"

Rayleigh trailed off as he walked towards a large boulder and took a seat.

"I didn't think it would feel that way. I knew it would hurt, I knew it would tear a piece of me away, I knew I'd carry the loss with me forever, but it was so much more intense than I'd ever imagined it would feel. It was so… visceral. It was like someone literally tore a piece of my heart and my soul away and there was no way to get it back. It was bleeding out on an execution block. He had such a wonderful life and the way it ended was so… It hurt. I knew it would, but not that badly."

"And you don't think I was hurt? The only packbonds I knew were all taken away in a single day. And what about Buggy? He'd been an abandoned pup for a third of his life at that point only to be abandoned again. We were all hurt and grieving and lost without Roger, but you and the rest of the crew decided to actively make it worse for Buggy and me."

"I wasn't thinking about it that way back then, I couldn't think about it. I couldn't see beyond my own hurt. It was all I was able to feel. We weren't officially mated, but it was still so much. I didn't know how to process it enough to be there for you and Buggy then, not when you both reminded me so much of him. Your spirits were dead ringers of him and I couldn't—"

"Wait, stop. You and Roger 'weren't officially mated', what does that mean?"

Rayleigh pursed his lips and said nothing. Shanks stared at him in disbelief.

"You and Roger…?"

Rayleigh nodded wordlessly. Shanks felt a bolt of shock cut through the panic and anxiety.

"But— But Mom—"

"I loved Rouge too just as she loved Roger and I and Roger loved us both."

Shanks stood there, shell-shocked.

"Why… why would you never tell… no one ever said…"

"Roger and I, our relationship wasn't exactly conventional to begin with and throwing Rouge into the mix didn't make it any more so."

"Dad wouldn't have cared about you two being alphas. The stigma against those relationships wouldn't have stopped him from being public," Shanks protested, still trying to make sense of this.

"But it stopped me. I've never been eager to be public with my inclinations, the fact that I was attracted to alphas as well as omegas. Even now with Shakky, she had a hell of a time getting through to me before I finally decided that being with her was more important to me than anything else that was holding me back. I didn't have the best experience being open about my relationships and so that carried to the crew. I didn't want to stir things among the pack anyway."

"You didn't trust the pack with the truth?"

"We had a few members from the North Blue where relationships outside the standard beta/beta and alpha/omega can be met with barbaric punishments. They wouldn't try something, but I knew that they carried that prejudice. It didn't factor much into our day to day, so it seemed a moot point to bring it up at all. Roger got fed up with it after a while. We weren't together when Rouge came along but eventually the two of them and I… we just… it just happened and it worked for us."

Shanks was certain he could catch flies with how wide his mouth was. He was pretty sure his brain was melting a bit. His mind flashed momentarily to his childhood, trying to re-examine moments with his parents, all three of them, and see if there was something he missed, something obvious in hindsight that his child brain had dismissed. He shook his head almost immediately, deciding he would really rather not.

"Fine. I can't… whatever, you three were in a relationship, but what does that have to do with you leaving Buggy and me?"

Rayleigh shook his head a little.

"You don't know, do you? You don't see how much like Roger you are, how much like Rouge. You've inherited their will and dreams in so many ways. I know the connection isn't one of blood, but regardless, when I see you smile, all I can see is Roger. When you laugh, I hear him. When you get that determined look in your eye, I see Rouge. When I hear what your goals are, I hear her. It's the same with Buggy. I couldn't imagine living like that at the time, seeing his ghost in you two. It hurt too much. I ran away from the pain it would cause me."

"And knowingly left us to deal with the consequences of those actions?"

"It was selfish. I drowned the shame of it with enough liquor to fill the Four Blues."

"Apparently that shame wasn't enough for you to find us, to make things right."

"I did try, once."

Shanks stared at him with skepticism.

"Shakky heard rumors that Buggy and Rouge were on Baterilla about a year after Roger's execution. I managed to get it together and travel there to find them. But the Marines followed me. If I hadn't been hungover and going through alcohol withdrawal, I would've noticed. I'm sure I would've. I led them straight to the island and they went on a rampage. They massacred whole towns looking for me. There were villages reduced to nothing but mass graves. I'd never seen so many tiny coffins in my existence until then and I never want to see them again. I realized then how dangerous it was for me to be around people. These were innocents that had nothing to do with the Roger Pirates, they had just gotten caught up in the bloodlust of the Marines' hunt for us. I saw how easily it could've been you or Buggy in their place and I couldn't risk it."

Shanks looked away. He hadn't gone back to Baterilla since his family's year in hiding but he heard enough stories of the horror from Buggy and Eudora to imagine what Rayleigh was describing. It gave more credence to the idea that Rayleigh was telling the truth, but it also raised a very important question.

"Did you see Mom on the island, before she…?"

Rayleigh paused for a moment before sighing.

"I did."

Shanks stood up straighter immediately, staring at Rayleigh with conflicted emotions.

"I found her staying with old friends of hers. She looked… she was weak. She could barely get out of bed but she got a second wind when she saw me. She chewed me out for not being with you or Buggy. I think she would've knocked me clear across the island if she had the strength for it. Then she started talking about how she'd seen Buggy and that he had all these big plans to set out to sea. Told me she was worried about you since she couldn't feel you, but she was sure you were still alive. She said Buggy wasn't alone anymore, but she was worried that you were."

Shanks felt a pang in his chest knowing his mother had been thinking of him even then when all her energy was going to protecting Ace from the World.

"Rouge was pissed at me, but she was also glad I was there because she was ready to give birth. She knew she wasn't going to make it long past that. She'd given Buggy some things for the pup but she didn't think it was a good idea for them to be together, not with the hunt still being so intense. She asked me to take the baby, said he was as much mine as he was hers and Roger's, but I…"

Rayleigh looked down, a pall of shame hanging over him.

"I told her I couldn't. I told her what I told you, that the kid wouldn't be safe with me and I wasn't in a good place to take care of anyone anyway. That pissed her off more. She told me neither she or Roger would thank me for wasting the rest of my life down a liquor bottle just because they were gone. If I wanted to honor the love we all shared, then I needed to be there for the pups we raised together and raise this last pup just the same. I… I told her I would. I promised her that I would."

Shanks clenched his teeth in anger at that.

"You lied to her?"

"She needed to hear the words, so I said them."

Shanks stared at Rayleigh as he paused there, clearly waiting for Shanks to lambast and shame him for the lie to Rouge on her deathbed. Shanks held his tongue, there was nothing he could say about that that Ray hadn't probably already said to himself. After a moment, the older man continued.

"She went into labor after that and that became our focus. Fortunately for both of us, Garp showed up some time during. He said Roger asked him to look after the kid. After thinking about it, it seemed like the best option. I watched her hold the pup for the first and only time, watched her smile her last smile, say her last words, give her last breath and I felt the bond between us die. It felt like Roger all over again and I knew there was no way I'd be good for anyone to be around then. I took Ace, held him just the once and passed him on to Garp who said he'd bring him somewhere safe. It was enough for me. I wandered on my own for a long time after that before I ran into Shakky again and she saved me from myself. By the time I was thinking straight, it'd been years. You and Buggy were already captains of your own crew, living your own lives. I contacted Garp after a while. He wouldn't tell me where Ace was but he gave me an update on him. Seemed like he was settled and I didn't want to uproot him from his life to be with someone he didn't even know. It was clear you were all safer without me."

Shanks stared at Rayleigh, genuinely speechless.

Rayleigh had known all these years about Ace's survival and Rouge's death and he hadn't said a word. Granted, Shanks had his secrets too but that was different. His lack of trust in Ray was a result of the trust that the old man broke first when he left, not the result of some perverted sort of protection or an excuse to chase down grief in a bottle, an action Shanks was very familiar with but even at his drunkest, he gave his all to his people, to his pack. He wouldn't abandon them for anything, not even the darkness inside of him.

"You let your demons win," Shanks concluded.

Rayleigh glanced up at him with surprisingly wet eyes.

"I did."

Shanks scoffed a little to himself that the reason behind everything that had happened to him and Buggy could be so simple. Roger let his demons win when he allowed the Marines to kill him rather than living out what time remained with his pack. The Roger Pirates as a whole allowed their demons to win when they severed their bonds and left their pups behind. Rayleigh allowed his demons to win when he left them and didn't come back, despite the many opportunities to make things right. This collective choice had had the consequence of Rouge making a choice that saved Ace but killed her. It led to all the bad Buggy and Shanks went through and shaped them into the men they were today. Shanks was tempted many times to give into his own demons. They always swam just beneath the surface of his soul, but he would not let himself. That indomitable spirit had been partly built in him through being raised by the Roger Pirates, but it was also a resilience that Shanks had to cultivate on his own after they had lost sight of that spirit.

He stared at Rayleigh as he sat on the boulder. He didn't look like the man who had raised him. He looked smaller, paler, weaker. This was the first time Shanks could so clearly visualize the grief and loss that the alpha had been living with, and still was contending with. That loss never left mates who outlived their partner after all, even if they mated again. He supposed he could understand a bit differently knowing now that Rayleigh wasn't just mourning the loss of a pack leader but also a mate, twice over once Rouge was dead too.

"I understand why you did what you did, but I don't forgive you. To be who I need to be means I need to let go of my days as a Roger Pirate. I'm not one anymore, I haven't been for a long time. This all just solidifies that even more."

Rayleigh nodded in return, not looking surprised.

"I do love you, Red. I hope you know that. You and Blue are my pups as much as you ever were Roger's and Rouge's."

Shanks sighed in return.

"I know that and despite everything, I do love you too. I just wish you remembered that when it mattered."

Rayleigh looked down and away at that.

Shanks took a moment to breathe. He felt…strange. Numb. He got a more complete picture of how their pack fell apart but it didn't change things in the end. What happened had already past and Shanks' future now laid with a different pack, his heart now belonged to other people, his soul claimed by treasures he wouldn't trade, not even to change the past. He long since stopped wishing to be able to change things. He still felt betrayed and abandoned by them, he probably always would. But he had some semblance of closure now. It didn't fix anything but he could close that chapter on his life all the same. He was no longer a pup, running for his life in a world that didn't want him, grieving over the life that had been unceremoniously ripped from him. He had his pack, his pups, his brother, his ship. He had his dreams, his goals, his freedom.

He'd be fine, eventually.

---

The anger didn't hit Shanks until much later.

He was sitting in one of the resin trees, high up in the branches where the sound of popping bubbles was more frequent. His fingers were digging into the bark so deeply that the skin beneath his nails were red with blood. The anger seemed to be a mixture of things. Part of it was from his conversation with Rayleigh earlier but part of it was also long-deferred emotions that he had been burying for the last 12 years. He couldn't even find words in his mind to put to his anger. It was thrumming through his veins, throbbing through his limbs, filling up his lungs and chest so that every breath he took tasted like rage. He gripped the tree harder, wincing slightly as the bark dug in under his fingernails, piercing the skin with splinters. He forced himself to pull away and instinctively moved his left hand to take the splinters out before he was reminded that the arm was gone. That only made him seethe even more and he bit into his nails harshly to remove the splinters, doing even more damage to his fingers.

His anger was large, all-encompassing, overriding just about every other emotion inside of him, but that didn't mean he wasn't still aware of his surroundings. He felt the presence coming from a few miles away. A savage grin crossed his lips. He needed an outlet for his anger anyway.

He used his Conqueror's to counter his opponent's unparalleled Observation Haki while Shanks moved higher into the resin tree. He felt the aura coming towards him pause momentarily before continuing their progress. Shanks unsheathed Griffin as his gaze remained locked on the ground. He stayed perfectly still when Mihawk finally appeared below the tree. The swordsman paused, glancing around the area. It was only when he made to move on that Shanks jumped down from the tree with Griffin drawn. Mihawk withdrew Yoru just in time to block Griffin from impaling him but not in time to prevent Shanks' weight from flattening him to the ground. The two were locked in a struggle of power as Shanks pressed down on Yoru with Griffin, bringing the blades dangerously close to the other man's neck.

"Red-Hair, hello to you too."

"We're not talking. I'm kicking your ass, just like I promised," Shanks grit out in return.

"I do recall saying I wouldn't fight you."

"What? Don't want the dishonor of losing to a one-armed swordsman? Stop being a coward and fight me!"

"You are not fit to—"

"Do not insult me or my opinion of you by completing that sentence. If you doubt me now because of an arm, then you're not the man I thought you were and there really is no point to us at all."

Mihawk narrowed his eyes at that before Shanks had to whip his head back in response to a headbutt from the beta. He still managed to get hit in the nose, sending him reeling back. He brought his fingers up to the blood dripping down his face before he looked over at Mihawk, who was now standing and leveling Yoru at him challengingly.

"That's more like it," Shanks commented, a grin on his face that was more a baring of teeth than anything. He quickly gathered himself before running at Mihawk to begin their duel.

True to his word, Shanks kicked his ass, though it certainly wasn't a one-sided fight. It didn't take much for Mihawk to treat him seriously. His time training with Rayleigh hadn't been for nothing after all. Once Shanks opened up a wound down the length of the swordsman's face, he pretty well got the message that Shanks was in the mood to take his head if he didn't fight him for real. Their fight had the grove they dueled upon shaking beneath their feet, their clash of Haki was so strong that the bubbles slowed their generation, causing an eerie emptiness without the constant popping.

The duel ended as it began, with Shanks straddling Mihawk's waist, his sword pressed to the man's throat. Their bodies were littered with wounds they'd sustained from the battle, both were breathing heavily and drenched with sweat, adrenaline thrumming through their bodies. Shanks' hand was shaking with it as he held his sword true to the beta's throat, Yoru embedded in the resin tree behind them.

"Told you I'd kick your ass," Shanks boasted, grinning down at the other man.

"So you did."

"I am not weak. Say it," he demanded.

Mihawk raised an eyebrow at that. Shanks pressed Griffin closer to his throat and bared his teeth threateningly.

"Say it."

Mihawk stared a moment longer before some emotion flickered in his eyes, too fast for Shanks to catch what it was, but he definitely didn't miss the scent of Mihawk's arousal. Shanks would be lying if he said he wasn't there himself, but he wanted to straighten this out first.

"I'm still waiting, Hawky. And I swear I will keep you waiting and quite frustrated until you say what I want to hear."

Shanks punctuated the words with a grind of his hips against Mihawk's groin, already feeling the evidence of his arousal. The man groaned in response.

"That's cheating."

"I'm a pirate, love. Comes with the territory. Now do you have something to say to me or not?"

Mihawk's golden eyes flickered over his face searchingly before he clenched his jaw and spoke.

"You are not weak."

Shanks stared down at him, gauging the authenticity of his words. Mihawk sighed in response before continuing.

"Akagami no Shanks, you are not weak," he repeated.

Shanks waited a moment longer before nodding to himself and withdrawing Griffin from the older man's neck.

"You'll never insinuate something like that again, for any reason. I'm still your rival and your equal and everything else in between that we don't talk about. This bloody stump isn't going to be the thing that changes that. You got it, Hawkeyes?"

"Understood."

"Good. Now take your fucking pants off, you owe me."

Being with Mihawk again felt in some ways like coming home. It was a familiarity that was engrained in Shanks' bones, no matter how pissed off the man made him. He'd wanted him since he was 14 years old after all, that wasn't something that just went away. He'd been a constant through every major change in Shanks' life, somehow living a parallel life as they both rose from the ashes of Roger's Era into the Great Pirate Era, lives that intersected in the most fulfilling and dangerous and pleasurable ways whenever they let it. Now was no exception, especially considering it had been over a year since they had been together, much less since Shanks had been with anyone at all.

He supposed he missed sex on the whole, the satisfaction and pleasure of it, but more than that, it was the closeness to Mihawk that ripped him apart. It was how easy it was to melt under his familiar touch, how he said his name reverently, how alive he was, and how alive Shanks felt with him, how his heart filled with emotions he dared not give name to for more than one reason. That didn't happen with just anyone. There was a level of trust between them that couldn't be replicated with anyone else, which only heightened the pleasure Shanks felt being with him.

He stretched out beside him afterwards, resting his head on Mihawk's chest as the beta wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. They laid tangled together on top of Shanks' cloak with Mihawk's coat thrown across their torsos. Shanks pressed lazy kisses to the man's pecs, stopping to bite a little too hard at his nipple, causing the beta to flinch.

"Is that necessary?"

"I'm still pissed at you for underestimating me. I will not be letting it go so easily."

"You're not usually the type to hold a grudge."

"You're not usually the type to doubt my strength. I expected better from you, so yes, I will be holding a grudge."

"I apologize."

Shanks paused, glancing up at the other man wide-eyed.

"Have you been replaced with a clone in the year I was gone?"

"I resent that. I am capable of self-reflection and admitting to my own faults."

"Well, I certainly won't stop you from prostrating before me and detailing your transgressions before begging for forgiveness."

Mihawk snorted at that. Rather than give some uncharacteristic speech, he pressed a soft kiss to Shanks' forehead, much softer than he usually ever did, before running his fingers through his hair and scratching at his scalp. Shanks couldn't hold in the purr at the action. He nudged Mihawk's jaw questioningly. The older man tilted his head, exposing his throat. Shanks didn't hesitate to press his nose into the juncture of his neck, breathing in his comforting scent. He nibbled a bit at the scent gland, smiling against his neck as he felt a shiver go through the older man's body. Mihawk didn't hiss in response or even give some performative act of displeasure at Shanks having drawn an involuntary reaction from him.

He really must be sorry, he thought to himself.

He resolved to indulge in the rare moment of Mihawk allowing him to scent him and breathed him in deeper, committing his scent to memory. He paused briefly as he felt Mihawk take his wrist and begin massaging his scent gland there. He shuddered at the intimate action. Scenting neck glands was standard across bonds, whether it was parents with their pups, packmates or lovers, but it was a far more personal experience for glands within the wrist to be touched or scented. The glands in the wrist were more sensitive than neck glands and thus more associated with mating bonds than any other. Despite everything they had together, it was rare for them to touch that gland, more so rare on Mihawk's part, but he did now. Shanks felt himself going boneless as he manipulated the gland with gentle fingers, a humming purr radiating from his chest. He was nearly asleep, his face pressed into Mihawk's neck, when the other man spoke.

"Was it your brother?"

"Hmm," Shanks responded, his mind sluggish and barely registering the words.

"The arm. Was it your brother who took it?"

Shanks opened his eyes then and pulled back slightly to stare up at Mihawk. One of his hands was still wrapped around Shanks' wrist but the other was tracing his stump. He didn't know how he hadn't noticed the touch before. He looked at Mihawk's face carefully, trying to gauge what he was thinking. There was a flash of anger, remorse, protectiveness but no disgust.

"It wasn't Buggy. It was a sea king."

Mihawk rose a dubious brow at that.

"You've sailed through the Calm Belt before, killing beasts much larger than the East could ever hope to boast, and a sea king in the East Blue managed to take your arm?"

"The sea king wasn't exactly my top priority at the time."

Mihawk continued looking at him dubiously. Shanks stared back cautiously.

Dare he?

He had thought of it before, telling Mihawk about the kids. In his lowest moments, when the pain was greatest and the longing was deepest, he contemplated telling Mihawk so he could have someone to share the burden with if nothing else. He had his pack of course, they were invaluable, but he and Mihawk had a different kind of connection and he had wanted to know what he would think about it all. In his crazier moments, he even imagined a life where he had kept the twins. What would his relationship with Mihawk have been like then? Would he have stuck around by Shanks, wanted to be a part of his pups' lives?

Shanks imagined impossible scenarios where Mihawk visited the crew more often. He imagined Mihawk raising the twins alongside him. He imagined him teaching them things, like how to grow things in his garden on his gloomy island or how to swing a sword or helping them hone their Observation Haki.

He imagined Mihawk's parenting style, wondering if he would be like Rayleigh, a stern disciplinarian but a stable figure amongst the chaos of the crew, someone to answer any and all questions the twins might have. Or would he be more like Rouge? Still a teacher, still stern when needed, but soft and warm at the same time. He imagined he'd be somewhere in the middle. He imagined Mihawk would be openly fond in a way people didn't know he could be, in the way he was with Shanks from time to time.

He imagined days spent chasing the twin terrors around the Red Force, afternoons in the sun, evenings gazing over the shining sea, nights wrapped in each other's arms before he and Mihawk tucked them into bed and sent them off to sleep with a kiss to their foreheads.

Shanks knew the thoughts were selfish and reckless too. Mihawk technically worked for the World Government. Yes, they couldn't truly stop him from doing what he wanted to do but Mihawk was a man who honored his oaths, always. He swore to be a Warlord and so he would fulfill the role set for him. Besides, he wanted a simple life now that he'd reached his goal. Shanks' life was anything but simple.

At the time of his wildest musings, he had no clue where his twins were, but it was different now. Now he did know and Mihawk was still looking at him dubiously. Shanks had a choice to make.

"Hawky, I…"

He trailed off there, not quite sure where he had been going exactly. He stared at Mihawk a moment longer before moving so he was straddling him. He looked down at the man intently. The beta raised a curious brow at him, his eyes narrowed.

"Red-Hair?"

"I trust you, Hawky. Behind my pack, you're probably the person I trust most in this world. I've trusted you with my body and, let's be honest, with my heart for the past 13 years. If I told you about the circumstances in which I lost my arm, I'd be trusting you with the most precious pieces of my soul too. I'm not sure yet if I should or even can. You're a Warlord, sanctioned by the World Government, and I'm an omega pirate captain who was raised by Gol D. Roger. They have many reasons to want me dead and technically speaking, if they ordered you to do it, they'd be expecting you to follow through. I wouldn't even blame you if you tried. You're a man of your word."

"I am. I'm also a pirate. I'm a pirate before I am anything else. I would never allow my freedom to be taken so blatantly, certainly not by the Marines. That said, you're not obligated to tell me anything you don't feel ready to."

"You're not making this easier for me," Shanks replied through a groan.

The omega sighed and closed his eyes, reaching into himself to feel those familiar tethers. A smile broke out on his face as he felt Uta and Luffy. They were excited about something, filled with warmth and joy and happiness. Shanks wanted nothing more than to keep it that way. He opened his mouth, resolving to shut his brain off and let his heart do the talking.

"In the East Blue, on a small island, there are these pups and they make up more of my world than you could possibly imagine."

Mihawk stared intently at him as Shanks launched into the story, told him about being drawn to Dawn Island after leaving Buggy, told him about meeting the twins, told him about Luffy's brightness and indomitable spirit, told him about Uta's optimism in the face of hardship and resilience in the darkest of circumstances. He told him how those pups made a home in his heart, how he'd die for them, how he'd kill for them, how he'd sacrifice anything that was required for them. So when his sunshine boy, with a mouth too big for his own good, stood up to a bandit and got himself in trouble, Shanks didn't hesitate to sacrifice his arm to save him.

He never outright says that he is the biological parent of the pups in question. Still, Mihawk may read between the lines about Shanks' connection to the twins regardless. If he does, he doesn't point any of it out.

"Your hat? Your log pose?"

"For most of my life, those were my most precious treasures. Now the pups are. I left my hat and log pose with the twins just as I left a piece of my heart and soul with them. It won't be forever though. I'm going to get stronger, become an Emperor and once I'm untouchable, I'm going back and bringing the pups with me."

Mihawk stared at him for a long moment before nodding.

"Okay."

Shanks rose a brow at that.

"Okay?"

"If you believe you've found such precious treasures in the East, far be it from me to stop you from believing so. I already knew you could be one of the strongest in the sea before that, so okay. If Emperor is what your goal is, I have faith you'll get there."

Shanks gave the other man a searching look, trying to gauge if he was being disingenuous, but it appeared he was sincere. Shanks leaned down and pressed a kiss to the other's lips.

He itched to ask Mihawk what he'll do once Shanks is an Emperor, if he'll consider staying with him, with them, but he held his tongue and tucked himself back into the crook of the beta's neck, breathing in his scent, resolving to not push his luck for now. However, he felt an undeniable sense of relief. There was a lightness in his chest and a strong resolve in his gut.

Shanks knew what he wanted. He was raised by Gol D. Roger, a street urchin from the East Blue whose heartbeat to the tune of freedom. He was raised by Silvers Rayleigh, an enigmatic but strong-willed man who stood firm against the world with little more than a smile and a sword. He was raised by Portgas D. Rouge, who taught him never to cower before any alpha, to never submit himself to their influence, to never be ashamed of his designation.

Being an omega did not mean he could not be strong, losing his arm didn't mean he was no longer a threat, being left behind by his pack did not mean he had to stay that same abandoned pup. He was a pirate before he had ever been anything else and so long as he was, he was a free man. He was also a father and a pack leader. His personal freedom would mean nothing in the end if he didn't ensure the freedom of his jewels and his nakama as well. To be truly free, he had to be in control of his destiny, he had to show that he could be great, like Roger was, like Rayleigh was, like Rouge was, like Gaban and Crocus and Sunbell and Oden and all the rest. He ultimately only needed to do one thing. Once he was an Emperor, no one would question him or his capabilities.

So, with his packbonds to ground him and the memory of his parents to remind him of what kind of omega, no, what kind of man he wanted to be, he resolved to set out and turn the world upside down until he was the one standing at the top with his most precious people at his side, all of them truly and honestly free, once and for all.

---

Next chapter will be the last chapter for this installment and will be an epilouge.