Chapter 13
I'm standing on a cliff over a beach during the sunset. I watch the waves far below me roll back and forth, the shining color lit up by the orange sun's fading light. The sunset happens every night, but it looks different each time. People would see a unique type of beauty every time if they would only look.
The ocean can be as dangerous as beautiful. There are massive sea creatures and rough waves that can pull you under and leave you without any air, trapping you within its clutches. You forget about the beauty and elegance when you have to fight for your life. Life isn't always about trying to fly—to achieve your dreams. Sometimes it's about trying to stay above the waves. Life is hard and suffocating, but maybe it's worth living.
That's who I am. The girl who keeps kicking her legs to keep her head above the surface, knowing that if she was pulled down into darkness, she would lose herself. The girl who admires the waves and sunset. The girl who sees beauty where no one else does. These games almost destroyed her.
I hold my knife over Careena, trying not to feel her soulless eyes or notice the grimace of pain on her face either, with every intention of ending her life. Then I notice something by my side. Sitting on the cliff's edge is my green bow. Battered and dirty from the sand, it sits there, softly rustling in the wind.
If I kill her now, I can't go back. I can't erase the memory. I can't change the fact that her family will mourn for her just like mine would for me. Her friends and family will be heartbroken. Her dreams will be crushed when maybe the world needs her. Someone might do it, but it isn't going to be me.
I don't want to be a killer.
I turn away from Careena and pick up the bow. I bring it back and drop it at her feet along with the knife. She looks at the knife and bow, confused and angry, daring to hope for a different fate than what she thought was in stone. She shifts backward, still clutching her bloody chest, and looks up at me, choosing anger.
"Do whatever you want. Someone has to win. But you were right about me," I murmur.
She doesn't move. Still, her fiery eyes lock onto me as I limp away. I lazily pick up my spear and head along the beach. I want to see the sunset.
Magnus has gone back towards the island. Careena is here, but the District 5 boy has been nowhere to be found. It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I'm going to lose the Hunger Games. To the world, I'll be a coward and a quitter. Just a cannon boom and crossed-out name on a screen. But to me and anyone who cares, we know I'll win.
As I sit down on the sand, the waves shrink away from my feet. The water level is lowering. The sandy beach is getting longer and longer. I don't care anymore. I focus on the way the water looks in the cast of the vibrant sun's glow. Until the water is gone. I can see the surface of the ground level and the fish flapping around, taken from their natural surroundings and placed in a world they don't and can never belong to.
"There's a break in the barrier! Run!" I jerk my head away from the beach to follow the noise. The boy from District 5 is running towards me, screaming repeatedly. For a second, I want to defend myself with a spear but he runs right past me, not even glancing at my face. Magnus tears towards me, and even Careena hobbles along to follow, leaving traces of blood in the sand.
I realize why. A massive wave is heading towards us, crashing through trees and plants and soaking up everything in its path, as tall as at least four palm trees. I start running before Magnus or Careena reach me. It hurts. I can almost feel the grinding of raw flesh and muscle from my wounds as I pump my legs as fast as I can, forcing myself forward. I pass the District 5 boy and run farther into where the water should be. Except it's endless sand in every direction. We are four dots in a vast expanse, running against an even stronger all-powerful source.
I hate the feeling of being chased when you have no chance. It's An unfair game of tag all over again. I hear Careena scream behind me. Then Magnus. Then the District 5 boy. Then it's just me, fighting against an impossible force. It's coming. It's inevitable. It's over, I've already lost. I stop running, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let the wave sweep me into its clutches.
I'm tossed around like a rag doll, my body tugged at in so many different directions. I can't scream, I can't breathe, I can't see. I'm in a world of darkness again. I feel my oxygen draining and start to panic. The violence of the wave seems to die down, and I try to swim in a direction I hope is up. I need air. I'm getting weaker and weaker, and all I can think about is breathing. My limbs stop screaming and finally give out. I begin to slip away. Maybe I'm sinking beneath the waves, maybe the water's receded, and I've made it to dry land. Maybe I'm breathing, maybe I'm still fighting for air. Maybe I'm alive, maybe I'm dead.
I realize I never got to see the sunset.
Will I ever see it rise again?
My eyes pop open. I try to shoot up and gather my surroundings, but something's blocking my nose and mouth. I'm suffocating. My heart starts racing.
"Get me out, get me out!" My muffled voice fills my ears. I rip at the contraption on my mouth, but coarse hands fight against me. I'm back in the games, fighting against strong hands. Magnus' or Vivian's or Careena's. I slap and punch at the enemies around me.
"Get me out! I have to breathe." My screeching leaves a ringing sound in my ears. The contraption is lifted, and I try to jump away, try to escape, but the people in white jackets press me back down. White jackets, what District is that?
Finally, someone lets me sit up. Please someone I know. But it's another man in a white suit. Black hair. Reminds me of Adrian's.
"Annie Cresta, just wait! We have some things to discuss." It takes a little while for me to calm down and stop struggling, but I eventually determine it's useless.
"You've won. You've won the Hunger Games."
"What?" I look around me. I ignored it before, but I'm in a hospital room. Except, instead of rows of patients, it's just me in one bed.
"There was a large wave, and no one else but you survived the flood. Do you remember that?" Vivid images of watery deaths come crashing back into me.
"I can't . . . Yes? What happened after?"
"You were taken to the remake center, where we have been helping you recover over the past few days. The process is almost complete. Do you not remember anything while you were here?"
I don't like this doctor. He asks too many questions. I think back to the wave. I couldn't breathe, I was trying to swim up.
"Miss Cresta?"
"No, nothing. Sorry."
"It's not uncommon. We've been helping you with not only your medical issues but also with certain aesthetic improvements."
"What?"
The doctor sighs. "We've been doing treatments for your skin and hair to prepare you for your opening display of watching the recap of the games."
A recap of the games. The victor watches a recap of the Hunger Games.
"No, I can't. Please don't make me." But the flashes already come. Death, pain, loss, more death, pain, loss. "I can't remember, I can't!" I kick and flail, screaming at him. They don't understand me. They don't understand that I can't.
A door opens, and someone is talking to the doctors, trying to explain and calm them down. The trembling escapes my heart. I try to gather my breath. Air is precious. I can't suffocate.
"Annie, they are waiting for you. You can come with me," Finnick doesn't touch me, he waits for me to move. The doctors he shoved away give us a wide berth. I slowly push the blanket away from me, realizing I'm wearing a thin hospital gown, and get up to follow him. He places one arm gently around me and guides me out. I want to punch him or jerk away, but I comply. I don't want to make more of a scene.
The hallway is oddly colorless. Or maybe I'm just used to seeing a lush world in the sun. There's no sun here. People stare at us as we walk. We turn down one hallway, then through a door at the end.
Mags, Angel, and Claudia are all here. It's another colorless room with smooth couches and some refreshments in the middle. Mags stretched out her arms first and I ran into her embrace, then Claudia's.
"Proud of you," Mags softly pats me on the head.
Everyone congratulates me. I nod dully. I give Angel a handshake, avoiding eye contact, and shake Finnick's hand too.
"Thank you," I say with significance.
He just grins.
Everything feels surreal. I feel like in every moment, I should ask what happened five minutes ago because I can barely remember it. But I remember the arena. I can't forget the arena. It's a filter over everything, taking me out of reality.
Everyone says how happy they are to see me, how glad they are that I am alive, how impressive I was in the arena, and how thrilled my family will be to see me. They are careful not to mention anything specific about the arena. Except Angel. She asks right away about what it felt like seeing Adrian die. It takes a few minutes to calm the memories before I can begin paying attention to the people around me again.
"You have to appear before the Capitol in the victor's seat soon, so we have to get you dressed right away," Angel snaps.
The reunion seemed so short. It was solemn, not the party I expected victors to have.
I nod and follow her and Claudia out the door. Her tall heels clack down the hall and into the elevator, almost like the sound of Adrian chopping the fish.
"We had an idea that you could choose what to wear instead of me styling it. Just to go with the idea of individuality," Angel says as we walk into a large room with rows and rows of fancy dresses and clothes.
I turn around to her, expecting it to be some cruel Capitol joke.
"Well, go on. We don't have all day!"
I run my fingers over the dresses. Satin, lace, and so many other things I have never felt before. All of it feels somehow fake compared to the games. But those were fake. These are real.
"This one." I choose a green dress with a bow in the front around the waist. It's similar to the one I had at home. Before the games.
"It's perfect. It brings out your eyes!" Claudia says. Even Angel seems mildly pleased.
My prep crew gets me ready, and I look nice. Stunning. Heavenly. Completely wrong somehow. Mags comes in and gives me another hug before I go to be presented to all of Panem to watch a recap of the nightmare I've been through. My hands start shaking as Caesar gives an intro speech before I walk out.
"Good luck Annie!" Finnick somehow is always in the right place at the right time.
"Thank you," I stare at the floor.
"And Annie," He comes close. "They don't like that you didn't kill anyone."
"What?" It's true. I saw so much death, but no one was killed by me. My hands are clean, in a sense.
"That's not what they want these games to be about. You have to . . ." He sighs and looks at the ceiling. "You have to act a little differently. You want people to forget about you. You want to be irrelevant."
"How?" I look at the stage and Caesar wrapping up his speech.
"Just seem a little . . . Odd. A little crazy. Make them think you didn't have a choice. That you weren't capable."
"I can't. They saw I was could with—" I swallow, unwilling to say her name. I feel the heat of her blood. I subconsciously wring it from my hands.
Finnick grabs my shoulders, talking in a whispered tone so fierce, but so quiet I almost can't hear him. "I know Annie. I know. But you have to. You have to seem undesirable. They can't ruin you. They can't. Please try."
An attendant comes over to usher me onstage. Finnick backs up and tries to smile at me, changing to charm so quickly. "For me?" He flashes a grin.
I remember who he was and what he wrote about in his journal. The one lost in my backpack in the arena. But all thoughts of Finnick vanish when I face the crowd. I sit down on a throne for the victor. I'm the winner. The one that survived. I have to watch every single harrowing memory of the games and relive it. I close my eyes and cover my ears, but I can still hear and see. It never strays from my mind. I hear the moment when Adrian is killed. Run Annie, run! I cover my ears, panting and crying. Harder and harder I press on my ears to block out the screams, but the louder they taunt me. Someone has to forcibly escort me off the stage when it's over.
The pain doesn't stop after that. My dreams are filled with the endless screaming, suffocating, and slicing of swords. It's less of a dream because nothing is added to the memory. It's just repeated over and over again. Run Annie, run. I'm being attacked and suffocated. I wake up screaming, thinking I have to fight for breath when a blanket has wrapped around my face covering my mouth.
Then comes the interview. They are talking to me about everything, making me relive it a hundredth time. I try to keep it together, I try to maintain my composure and not fall apart in front of all of Panem. The screams come back. They won't go away. I don't answer why I didn't kill anyone. I change the subject when they try to talk about Adrian. I ignored the comment about me hiding something when I secretly read Finnick's journal. No matter how much I fight, the screams come back. More and more as I get farther away from the arena.
It will get better. They will go away when you go back home and meet your family again.
I won. I actually won the Hunger Games. I list every person and name I can match to the faces I saw in the arena. All of them died while I lived. It was an accident. They didn't mean to kill everyone in the flood. I only survived because I could swim, not because I deserved to win. Not because I can kill. Not because I'm strong. I keep thinking that the world found out how weak I am, especially after my panic session during the recap and interview. Finnick asked me to be crazy. I don't have to fake it.
I'm almost home. I look out the window for hours as I ride the train that takes me back to familiarity. I said goodbye to Claudia, but I will never miss the Capitol. I will forever hate it. I will forever remember it.
As soon as I set foot in District 4, my family bombards me with hugs, tears, and kisses.
"We missed you so much," Mama says as she takes me in her arms.
"It's so good to be home," I say, feeling home, feeling joy, feeling peace, if but for a fleeting second.
"Annie!" Claire says. She and Misty are standing right next to my dad. I reach out my arms and only Claire runs into them. Misty crosses her arms and looks at the ground. I hug Claire trying to show how glad I am to see her, but I try to lock eyes with Misty.
"Little?" She doesn't budge. "What's wrong with her?" I ask Dad.
"She just saw a lot of games . . . of you. We all did. But we're happy you're home." He smiles at me and gently enfolds me in his large arms, safe, and secure. I don't have the willpower to truly feel it though.
I guess I forgot that they saw everything. They saw my friends die, they saw me almost die, they saw me almost kill. I don't know how I would react if I saw my sister holding a knife over someone's head.
"Hey, Annie." Amon comes up and is unashamed of hugging his sister, a few tears running down his cheeks. "We missed you terribly."
I close my eyes and feel the warmth of his embrace, daring to never let go. "I'm home now. It'll all be okay." Although, for me, I think that will be a lie.
I open my eyes and notice a figure further back in the train station, smiling a true smile instead of a lopsided grin. Finnick notices me staring, shoves his hands into his pockets, and walks away. I have a half notion to follow him, but I decide against it and turn back to my family. There always seem to be problems with the Capitol's favorite.
"Let's go home," Mama says, putting a hand on my shoulder.