ALL DREAMS MUST END

Prior to that night …..

Several weeks had passed - too many it seemed - since Bob's last call. At first I was not unduly worried as this happened if he was travelling around, or if he and Jane were together at home. Somehow, though, this was different. That same dark, inexplicable fear that I had experienced during our last time together, seemed to haunt me.

And so, when the telephone suddenly rang at 10.30 one evening, I let out an audible sigh of relief.

'Hi, Katrina'.

'Hello Bob. It's so good to hear from you. I've missed you so much.'

'Sorry I haven't rung before. Things haven't been going too well here.'

'Why? What's the matter?'

'It's Jane. She's sick.'

'Oh, Bob'.

'Katrina, she's got cancer …. And it's pretty far advanced. I know I'm going to lose her.'

I could hear his voice breaking. 'Oh, Bob, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.'

'There's nothing anyone can do. I just didn't want you worrying if you don't hear from me for a while.' I could tell that he was close to tears. 'I'd better go. I'll be in touch.'...

He'd gone …. before I had a chance to say any more. He sounded so broken. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and take away the hurt …..But then I realized ….. It wasn't my arms he needed at this time…..only Jane's.

Weeks passed, turning into months, until, late one afternoon, the phone rang.

'Hi, Katrina, it's Bob'.

'It's so lovely to hear from you. How is everything? How is…..?

'She's gone, Katrina. She passed away last week. We had the funeral yesterday.'

'Oh, Bob, what can I say?'

'Nothing, Katrina. I've heard all the words and nothing helps. I've just got to believe that she's up there with Mom now, and they're both happy.'

'How are you? Are you looking after yourself?'

'I'm OK. Steve's been here with me.'

'Is there anything I can do?'

'No.' He paused. 'Apart from just being there when I need someone to talk to'.

'You know I'll always be here for you'.

'I'm sorry there's nothing more right now. Maybe in time I won't feel so guilty'.

'Oh. Bob, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I shouldn't have come over there in the first place.'

'Stop apologising. It's not your fault. I'm a grown man. I knew exactly what I was doing. I fell for you…..and, if I'm honest, I still care. Who knows what will happen in the future. As I said to you a long time ago ….. It's probably all been planned out. Anyway, I guess I'd better be going. There's still a lot to do. I'll give you a call again soon.'

'OK, Bob. Please look after yourself.'

'I will. Bye, bye, Katrina '.

After he'd hung up I really didn't know what to think. Some of his words made me think that maybe I would see him again, and yet other things he said almost sounded as though he regretted the whole thing. But then I reminded myself that he had just lost Jane, and, along with the grief, there was bound to be guilt. He had been unfaithful, and I hadn't exactly rejected his advances, in fact I'd encouraged them. Only time would tell the outcome of all this. I still loved him so very, very much, and prayed that, once the pain had subsided and he was back to his old self, there would still be a place in his heart, and in his life, for me.

About three months later the phone rang late one evening.

'Hi, Katrina, how are you?'

'All the better for hearing your voice. How are you?'

'Better than I was. I've been in the studio doing another series.'

'Oh, I'm so glad'.

'It takes my mind off things.'

'Are you still travelling around, doing shows?'

'Not as much as I used to. Driving long distances is starting to tire me out.'

'I remember the last time I was with you and you had to drive to Wabash, you said how tired you were.'

'Yep, old age is creeping up on me. I never used to feel like that. They did some tests at the hospital to see if there was any reason for it. I'm waiting on the results right now.'

'Let me know what they say, won't you?'

'Course I will, sweetheart. I'm fine, so don't you start worrying.'

'Where are you now? In Florida?'

'Yep. I've started working on some paintings for the next series. I've turned the basement of the house into a studio. I can work down there in peace. Just me and some of my little friends.'

'Oh, I'm glad you're still looking after them. You love them so much, don't you?'

'Yea. Diane Shafer - you know .. the Bird Lady.. still lets me know if she's got a little critter who needs some extra attention, and Dr. Bob goes along and collects him.'

'Oh, you're so good.'

'I told you before….I'm a sucker for anything on four legs …..or two wings!'

'The same old Bob'.

'Yep. Anyway, I'd better get going. Perhaps, when I next phone, we can talk about you coming over to visit again sometime. Maybe in a few months' time. I'm not promising anything. It'd just be nice to catch up'.

'It'd be lovely'.

'Yea, well let's see what happens. I'll give you a call again soon.'

'Don't forget to let me know what the hospital says.'

'I won't. Bye, sweetheart.'

'Bye, Bob'.

Although he sounded much more upbeat than he had recently, I was still worried about him. They don't do hospital tests for nothing. Still, he'd filmed a new series and he was looking after his little friends again, so I guessed he must be feeling OK.

Several weeks had passed - maybe six or seven - before he phoned again, late one evening.

'Hi, gorgeous. How ya doin'?

'Hello, Bob. You sound much better.'

'I'm OK. How are you?'

'I'm fine. How did the hospital tests go?'

He paused.

'Bob, what is it?'

'Apparently I've got Lymphoma'.

'I've heard of that, but I'm not really sure what it is.'

'It's cancer of the Lymph glands. I had it when I was younger. Got rid of it then …..but now it's back. I shouldn't be so lovable, should I?

'Oh, Bob, what can I say?'

'Now don't start worrying. I got rid of it once …..I can do it again. I'll be fine.'

'What are they going to do?'

'I don't know. Chemo probably, maybe Radiotherapy. My biggest problem is I'll probably lose my hair.' He laughed. 'I'll miss my curls. I'll have to get a wig or something - to do the shows.'

'You're so brave.'

'Not really. To be honest I'm scared as hell. Fate's really got her claws out for me at the moment. What with losing Jane and now all this.'

'I wish there was something I could do.'

'There's nothing anyone can do, sweetheart. Just be there for me when I need to scream and shout.'

'I wish I could come over and be with you'.

'To be honest, Katrina, I don't feel like having any company at the moment - not even you. Maybe - if and when I get over this - you can come over then, and we can have a celebration, just us two.'

'That would be wonderful'.

'By the way - and I know you won't - but please don't mention this to anybody. I've told those closest to me …my immediate family and close friends, but I don't want anybody else knowing. I'll have to tell the crew at the studio next time I'm filming, but I trust them. They're a great bunch.'

'I promise I won't say anything. I still can't believe it.'

'Well, try not to worry. I've beaten it once - I can do it again. It's picked the wrong guy here. Now I'd better let you get to bed. I'll call you in a couple of weeks. OK, sweetheart.'

'Yes, Bob. I love you'.

'And I love you. God Bless, Katrina.'

'God Bless, Bob' - and he was gone.

As I hung up the phone, I suddenly realised that he had said 'I love you'. The first time he'd said it in so long a time. If only it had been in different circumstances I'd have been over the moon. It all seemed so unfair … he'd been through so much lately … losing his Mom, then Jane … and now this. He was a lot braver than I would have been, unless it was all just a front - for my benefit. Perhaps inside he was just a scared little boy, wanting his Mom's arms around him again.

It was a couple of months before I had another late night call from him.

'Sorry it's been a while, Katrina. I'm back in Muncie next week filming, so I've had a lot of canvases to get ready. I can't believe it…..this is our 30th series. Thirty times thirteen episodes …God, how many episodes is that?'

'Yes, Bob, that's wonderful, but how are you?' I had a feeling he was avoiding the subject.

'Not too bad…..considering. Chemo sure takes it out of you.'

'Will you be OK doing the shows?'

'Yea. I probably won't be able to film them all in a couple of days like I used to, but we'll get there. It'll be good to get back filming.'

'How about your hair? Has it started to come out yet?'

'Just beginning to. It's strange how your memory plays tricks on you. Just the other day when I noticed a lot in my comb I thought ''I must ask Jane to look for a wig for me'' …..and then I remembered.'

'Oh, Bob'.

'Yeh, you don't realise just how much someone does for you until they're no longer here to do it. Anyway, I'll have a word with my hairdresser. He'll probably find me something. Only good thing about all this …I'm starting to lose a bit of weight!'

'Well don't lose too much'. I was going to say…" I want something to cuddle" …but thought I'd better not.

'It'll probably all go back on once I finish the Chemo.'

'When will that be?'

'Depends. Either when it's got rid of all the nasties, or else when they decide it's not working.'

'Oh, Bob, it's got to work.'

'Katrina, we've got to face facts. There's no guarantee. Now let's change the subject.'

I suddenly realized how frightened he was. He hid it pretty well, but those few sharp words brought it home to me.

He quickly added 'How about I give you a call when I get back home?' his voice was soft again.

'Yes, please. I'd like that.'

'Or, you never know ….if I get lonely one night, I might even call you from Muncie…after I've had my shower….' and he laughed.

'Oh, Bob ….they were happy times.'

'Yea, we certainly had some of those…and I guess we're paying for it now,'

'Were we really that wicked?'

'Uh, uh. Naughty perhaps, but not wicked. We didn't hurt anyone. Thank God Jane never found out about it. I'd have never forgiven myself…. And I doubt if she would. But it's all water under the bridge now, isn't it? Let's get through this first, then see what happens.'

'You look after yourself and don't work too hard next week'.

'I won't. Promise. Night, night. God Bless. Sweet dreams' and he was gone.

He didn't phone from Muncie. In fact it was quite a few weeks before I heard from him again.

'Hi, Katrina.'

'Hello, Bob. I'm so glad you called. I was getting worried about you.'

'Please don't worry. I'm OK.'

He sounded far from it. 'Are you?'

'Do you want the brutal truth?'

'Of course.'

'I'm bloody scared. The Chemo's not working as it should. They're going to try Radiotherapy. And if that doesn't work….. '

'Don't say that.'

'Why not? We've got to face facts'. He paused. 'I'm sorry. I guess the whole thing's just getting me down. I want it to be over - one way or the other.'

'Bob…' I could feel the tears starting.

'Katrina…don't start crying…..else I'm going to hang up. Listen…..When I get over this next bout of Chemo ….or whatever they're going to give me…..I'm going back to Muncie to film the 31st series. That's something, isn't it? Thirty one series. Got a feeling that might be the last. I want to get it done while I'm still able to drive up there. I'm working on the paintings now. Takes my mind off things,'

'Bob ,,,,you're so brave,'

'No, I'm not, Katrina, but it's no good pretending that none of this is happening. Now look, I'll have to go in a minute because I've got another half dozen paintings to compose and get done, preferably before I start the treatment. I don't feel much like doing anything while I'm having it. I'll call you when I've got more news.'

'Take care, Bob. I love you so much.'

And I love you. Don't you forget it. Bye sweetheart' and he was gone.

Several months passed without a call. I was longing to hear from him and yet dreading it at the same time… and yet, when it came I let out a sigh of relief.

'HI, Katrina. Sorry it's been so long.' His voice sounded slightly different. It wasn't as soft. There seemed to be more of a rasp to it.

'How are you?'

'That's all our conversations seem to be about these days ….my health.'

'I just want you to get better.'

'I'm afraid that's not going to happen, sweetheart.'

'Bob, don't say that.'

'Listen, Katrina. I'm not going to lie to you. I respect you too much for that.'

He almost sounded out of breath. As though speaking was becoming difficult.

'The Doctors have been straight with me. I'm not going to get over this. It's terminal'.

'Oh no, Bob - no. Please let me come over to see you.'

'No, Katrina. Just remember how it was our last time together. We had some fun then, didn't we?'

'Oh, Bob, I love you so much.'

'And I love you. Always remember that. And, when you feel sad, just think about those wonderful times we had. I'm so grateful that we found each other. Bye, bye, Katrina. God bless.'

He was gone. I never spoke to him again.

Katrina Relf

February 2024