Happy BeMeanToJayDay!
Boy, Barbara caught us all off guard, whumping Jay the way she did. Her mean jeans are a little too powerful for me. I've never hurt Jay this bad. I mean, Barbara's never hurt Jay this bad…a vent? Are you kidding me Barbara? So, that said, Barbara going to town the way she did, messed up probably 75% if not more of this chapter, but I just couldn't stop her.
Anyway, I've taken her mean jeans away, can't have her killing Jay!
It was supposed to be the last chapter but I had to split it because of the stuff I had to add because of Barbara! Hope you like it.
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47 hours later
The kid's coming off the vent. Get your ass over there and see him. Even if he isn't up to talking, he needs to see that you care.
That is if you do care Hank.
X
With the vent removed Will could see that the swelling on his little brother's face had gone down to almost nothing. He looked more like himself or as himself as he could get all beat to hell.
Jay'd been awake long enough to puke and whisper out a desperate, 'Will' before passing out again which, given his injuries, was not surprising.
The nurse had removed Jay's soiled gown and was wiping his chest of bile and mucous, while he cleaned up his little brother's bloody chin. The vent did a number on his already split lips and each would need stitches. He was prepping the suture kit when there was a tap on the door as it opened.
Jay's boss entering without waiting for permission to do so was typical Voight but Will didn't say anything and actually, given the look on the sergeant's face, was glad he was true to character in that moment. It was the first time he'd come by and he was getting an eyeful.
On one of her visits, Platt had sat on the other side of Jay and floated the particulars of the case to him across his unconscious brother. He already knew part of it but she went into more detail on the bust and Jay's role in it. How, not by choice, his little brother almost singlehandedly solved the case.
Except for the parts where she sang Jay's deserved praises, she scowled the whole way through, her frown deepening when she talked about Voight. They'd all treated Jay like shit, something that would haunt him, all of them, the rest of their lives, but Voight took his treatment of Jay to another level.
Where they had been pissed at Jay, not listening to his side of the story, or actually, ignoring it in favor of their own narrative, it sounded like Voight was intentionally cruel. They'd fucked up and took out their own shit on his brother. They hurt him deeply by forgetting…ignoring, the man Jay was. Voight knocked him down every chance he got and benched him so he couldn't work the case with the team, in effect isolating him, but doing so knowing Jay would work the case anyway.
Will was of the mindset that if Voight had let Jay back in the bullpen things would have been resolved. Who Jay was would've smacked them in the face and they would've seen the light. But unfortunately for all of them, they didn't get that reminder and it took a witness to open their eyes.
He didn't know what to think about anything…too late for any of it anyhow, the damage was done, but looking at Voight's face right then was satisfying. They'd all seen what they had done to Jay, so it was only fair that Voight should be punched in the gut with it too. He was glad to see guilt and sadness land on the sergeants face, happy when guilt suffocated the other.
X
Voight didn't know what he was expecting to see. He'd only been thinking about Jay's most serious injuries; a significant concussion and ruptured kidney. In light of that, his external injuries had slipped his mind. So seeing them now…the reality of what this case did to the kid hit him like a brick wall.
The kid was a crime scene. Split lips, black eyes, a broken nose. Bruises in various shades of old and new pain, scrapes and cuts bridged by black stitches…
With the gown off he was able to see the still black bruises on Jay's torso. The darkest one center mass where he took one to the vest the day this shit storm rolled in, his shit storm. The patches of the heart monitor added insult to injury, the kid's heart was beating now, steady by the looks of it, but twice it had stopped.
Fucked up knuckles on both hands showed him what he'd always known, Halstead was a scrapper and would never go down without a fight. He looked at the bandage around Jay's wrist and cringed at the reason the kid cuffed himself to Spencer. It saddened and amazed him in the same heartbeat.
Seeing the bandage wrapped around his bicep where he took a bullet and saved Kevin's life just… … …his eyes burned when he realized not one of them had thanked Jay for what he did. Not even Atwater. Kevin had just given Jay shit for downplaying the GSW to a graze.
A drainage tube poked out of a large, thick bandage just below the ribs on his left side. The kid lost a kidney, almost died because of how hard he fought to bring Spencer down, by himself, when they weren't able to back him up right away.
The more he looked back on everything the more guilty he felt. The kid was ridiculously self sacrificing and it almost got him killed, but only because he put him in that position. Only because he let him get away with being 'fine.'
He looked at Will and could see his own guilt echoed on the doctor's face. Jay usually couldn't pull that 'fine' shit with his brother either, but Will was blinded to everything just like him, them, and didn't travel down the road he normally would have.
There were a lot of screw-ups since the day Jay kicked that door in and not one of them belonged to the kid, but he caught the fallout of all of them.
He only stayed a few minutes. It didn't look like Jay would be waking up soon, he was absolutely oblivious to being gently flopped around while they cleaned him up.
Nodding to the doctor, he headed out the door. He knew he should've stayed and continued to witness what he'd done but his guilt had already been heavy and now it was crushing. So he left and did what he'd been doing all along; he let his ego take charge. His ego gave him a momentary stay from his guilt by allowing him to step back into the mindset of Jay's insubordination - if the kid had just followed his orders, they wouldn't be here.
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The next day
"Hey bro."
He groggily blinked his eyes at his older brother and rasped out a quiet, "Hey…" but that was all he had at the moment, his world was a blur and not just visually.
Grabbing the water cup from the side table he gave his brother a sip, "Your throat is gunna hurt for awhile - vent will do that to you. How you feeling?"
He cleared his throat and winced when the vibration woke up the ache in his head. Barely lifting his hand off the bed, he wiggled it in a so so gesture. He really had no idea how he felt, but whispered, "drugged out."
"Ya, they've got you on some heavy duty stuff, will be for the next day or so."
His eyelids were drooping and even though he might not be awake for the answer, mumbled the question anyway, "What happened?"
"Your kidney ruptured. It was pretty bruised when you came in and the fix to the tears weren't enough. There was just too much trauma and we had to remove it."
His eyes widened at the news.
Leaving out the part where he'd almost died twice, Will moved closer and rubbed his little brother's shoulder, "Hey…You'll be okay though. You can live a totally normal life with one kidney."
He was too tired to ask more questions but a thought trickled in that stabbed his heart just before the drugs did their thing and pulled him under - he couldn't be a cop with one only kidney, there were rules.
Will continued to run his hand through Jay's hair as he passed out. He understood the sleepy surprise on Jay's face and maybe even the fear if he was too out of it to process that he could live a normal life but the devastation that landed on his face before it was smoothed away by unconsciousness confused him.
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That afternoon
Voight was MIA, opting, they were sure, to hide at work but Trudy, Will and the rest of the unit surrounded Jay's bed in the ICU. It was cramped with so many people in the small room, a worried sick version of a mosh pit, but they didn't care. They weren't leaving.
Other than Will's initial conversation with him earlier, Jay's subsequent returns to the waking world were brought about by agony. It killed Hailey that pain woke her partner to semiconsciousness - to see his body twist, searching for comfort, his fists clutching blankets, his quiet groans.
As it was, Jay looked terrible but to see and hear his body react to the pain was devastating. His misery brought him all the way to the surface at one point and immediately Will hit the call button. They would need to switch up his meds again or at the very least up the dosage. He was burning through everything.
Bruised hands, trembling with pain, went to his abdomen and lightly covered his the surgical site where they removed his kidney. He pulled his knee up and rolled to the right as much as he was able, which wasn't much. Pain and weakness stopped him.
Will put his hand on Jay's shoulder and leaned in so they were face to face.
"Hold on bud…relief's coming…hold on for me, okay?"
He rubbed his little brother's shoulder in a circular motion but that wouldn't ease his suffering, only provide a modicum of support through it.
Jay answered his brother with a groan and a hitched breath. He lifted his head tying to look around his brother, only to have it flop back to the bed.
"Trudy…"
Her name came out in a mumble, followed by another hitched breath and a tightening of his arms around his belly. No one understood what he said.
"Can you lean back for me bud…" with his little brother's increased discomfort he wanted to make sure this was only Jay's pain level topping the meds and not the start of an infection, "…I want to check the incision, make sure there's nothing going on there."
He ignored the request and a single tear dripped onto his pillow while another cut a path along his nose, over his split lips and down his neck. Will wiped them away and Jay, barely aware of of his brother's hands drying his tears, tried again in a clearer whisper and this time he was understood.
"Trudy…"
She jumped up and was beside him in one quick stride. Using her hip to move Will out of the way, she took his place rubbing circles on Jay's shoulder.
"Hey Chuckles…right here…"
He blinked up at her, swallowing the physical pain to address the emotional.
"The kid?"
They all sagged in their chairs as the sharpness of their growing worry morphed into heavy regret at the question.
She stopped the circular motion on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze, saddened by Jay's desperate need to know even though he was in a tremendous amount of pain.
"Nothing yet Jay…we're still working on it."
Ethan rushed in with a sedative a moment later and was infuriated when he was stopped with a gentle but unbudging hand to his chest. He could see the agony radiating in every fiber of Jay's being and he needed relief.
Adam dropped his chin apologetically in response to Dr. Choi's glare, "One sec doc. It's important."
Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he held up. Now that Adam had put a pause on his mission, he could see that whatever was going on with Jay meant more to him than pain relief.
Jay wasn't aware of anything but pain and the person in front of him, "Mmm. Call…Stevie Springborn…CI file. Got him…he's…looking for the…kid."
His face twisted in more than just physical agony then. Speaking about the kid, in all likelihood, brought up how they treated him but more than that, he was probably thinking along the same line as the rest of them - Spencer had found the little boy and killed him.
"You got it kid. Get some rest…we'll find him."
The pain was too great and with his mission accomplished, he let it take him, melting into the bed as he passed out.
She moved out of the doctor's way and trudged back to her chair hoping to God they found the kid alive…Jay would never forgive himself if Spencer killed him.
X
Their vigil was cut short two hours later when they were called back to the district for another high profile case. Their forced departure was fraught with emotions but fear trumped all others.
It wasn't even a week ago that Jay had almost died and they wanted to silently encourage him to recover, then watch him be alright. They wanted to be there for the emotional pain that would pounce as soon as he was awake enough to remember what they did to him. They wanted to start to fix what they had broken, not with forced apologies and excuses, but just by being at his side.
They didn't want Jay to wake up to an empty bedside and think they didn't care.
X
Late that night
Waking up to an empty room, he let his eyes wander, then focused on the open door when he heard Will talking in the hall. He was on the verge of needing pain meds and thought about calling him but he let it be, he could wait.
He scanned the room again wondering for a nanosecond what happened when everything rushed back in and his headache spiked by the panic setting in.
They had removed his kidney…he couldn't be a cop with only one kidney. Anger steamed rolled sadness as he tried to close himself off to his new reality, but it was too big, too painful.
Even if Voight kicked him out of Intelligence, he could at least try to reason with the man to let him back up. And at the very least he could be a detective in another unit, but being down a kidney took away that option. He was out, would be medically retired. He didn't even think the painful alternative of riding a desk would be on the table.
Will hung up the call and rushed into the room when he saw the pain and anger on Jay's face. He could fix the pain with meds but he didn't know the reason for the anger, so he didn't know how to fix it.
He put his hand on Jay's shoulder and leaned in, "Hey…what's going on? Everything's okay, you'll…" the penny dropped in the wrong slot and he misinterpreted Jay's anger, thinking it was about how they'd all treated him. He leaned back not wanting to crowd, but kept his hand where it was, "we're…God we're all so…I'm so sorry Jay. I'm so fucking…"
He barely had a voice but it didn't keep him from forcefully scratching out what was bothering him, "You took my kidney?! Why? I can't…"
"Jay?"
Trying to quell the increasing pain, he put a hand to the side of his head as his anger ricocheted around in it, "I didn't…what the fuck Will…"
Will could see the anger vibrating off his brother and if he didn't calm him down he was going to hurt himself.
"Jay, hey man…calm down. You're going to hurt yourself…"
He ran his hand through his little brother's hair but he jerked away from him, groaned, and grabbed his head with both hands trying to staunch the pain the movement caused him.
Will ducked down so he was eye level with Jay and loosely put his hands over his brother's, "We didn't have a choice Jay, it was either take out your kidney or watch you die…it was bad…we lost you Jay…I…I almost lost you."
His voice was choked with tears at the memory of Jay's bruised and bloody torso arching off the table as Fuentes tried to shock his little brother back to life. He tried to will away the phantom feeling of his hands on Jay's chest as he did compressions when his heart stopped for a second time in the PACU.
The tears started to fall in earnest as he tried to calm Jay and push away his memories at the same time.
The reason for Jay's anger became clear when his panic momentarily gave volume to his raspy voice before the pain stole it again.
"I can't…be…a COP…Will…"
The way his little brother screeched out 'cop' killed him,
"…Mmnnn…I can't… ahhhhm…be a cop…with…with one fucking…KIDNEY!"
He clenched his jaw and pushed his head into the pillow. His head was exploding, his back was in flames and his heart in a vice.
Angry tears flowed until despair brought forth sobs and the sobs brought more pain and more pain brought oblivion.
Will stood there in shock as Ethan and a nurse ran in.
"What the hell happened? … WILL!"
"What…" he didn't notice Ethan had come in and was now watching his friend check Jay through a blur of tears.
The crack of his voice on that one word had Ethan taking his eyes off his patient to glance at his friend. Only now noticing the tears.
He asked the question in a gentler voice, "Will, what's going on?"
Eyes wandering to his brother and back again, Will spoke around a clogged sob, "He ah…I told him about his kidney…"
He was overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow over everything Jay was losing because of this case and the bullshit that surrounded it. His sob broke free as he focused on his little brother again and brushed his fingers through his hair, "He can't…with one kidney…" he looked at his friend, "he can't be a cop with only one kidney…"
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The next afternoon
Kevin and Adam's visit to the hospital was two pronged. They needed to speak to a witness and even though they were swamped with the new case, they would make time to visit their friend. They couldn't be this close to him and not check in; and with Will stuck in the chaos that came with an eight car plus one school bus pile up, Jay was probably alone, which they didn't like at all.
X
Jay's door was open and the room was dark do to his concussion but light from the hallway breached the darkness just enough for them to see his still form looking out the window at the torrential rain. His left hand was fiddling with the blanket and his bruised wrist from the handcuff was a stark contrast to the white of it. His right hand laid in his lap loosely holding the button for the PCA.
He looked terrible. The bruises were fading but still there, just more colorful, and he had a plethora of stitches that had a few days to go before they could be removed. He absentmindedly ran his tongue across the strings in his bottom lip. They'd both had stitches in their lips before and they were irritating as fuck.
At the tap on the door he turned to them and they could see full force how absolutely miserable he was. His still black eyes were blood shot and glassy with residual tears and a profound sadness clung to him that, even though he tried, he wasn't able to tuck away behind his often donned stoic mask.
Neither Adam or Kevin really knew how to be…they'd treated Jay like shit for almost a week and the last time they saw him, right before his kidney ruptured, their relationships were still in a place of limbo.
Adam felt like he didn't quite have the right to be cheerful given what they did, but even so, his friend was alive and damn all if he wasn't going to at least be quietly happy about it due to Jay's concussion.
"Hey man, good to see you out of ICU!"
No matter how much water he drank his voice was still croaky, "Ya, for a couple of hours…"
"We were interviewing a witness, hope it's okay we dropped in."
He felt like shit and at a loss for what to say, asked a question that poked right into the despair he was already feeling.
"Sure. It's fine…new case?"
Their timing sucked. He had worked his last case as a cop and when they walked in he was wallowing in self pity and coming up with new job options to torment himself.
"Ya, Ivory Tower's all over this one too."
Too
The conversation was stilted by Jay's obvious physical pain and the emotional pain that seemed to grow since they walked into the room.
"Oh…" Adam chuckled as he held up a handful of magazines, "Platt sent some gossip rags. Think she already blew threw these. Parts are highlighted and there are quite a few post-it notes."
He set them on the rolling table and was happy to see Jay's chest move in a huff of a laugh and the side of his mouth twitch in an almost smile."
"We're gunna get going and let you rest, but call us if you need anything, ya?"
"Sure thing. Thanks for coming by guys." He lifted his chin at the magazines and added, "tell Platt I said thanks."
They were both a bit bummed at the bland 'thanks' for Platt. Normally Jay would have sent some snark along with the thank you.
They moved to the door but Kevin held back, "I'll meet you at the car bro."
Adam nodded at Kevin and gave a small wave to Jay as he headed out the door, "Later Jay…give us a call if you need help with the mother-hen or anything else."
Hitting the button for the lobby, Adam then leaned against the wall and hung his head. They all knew Will drove Jay nuts with the mother-henning, but the no reaction to his remark reminded him that when this shit jumped off, Jay had needed a mother-hen, a caring brother, an ally against them but he didn't get one. Once they told Will 'what Jay did,' he'd jumped on the asshole bandwagon with them and Jay got no mother-henning, no care…no nothing.
At the ding of the cars arrival, he lifted his head and blinked his tears filled eyes. Goddamn they'd fucked up.
X
Kevin could tell Jay was all kinds of miserable so he cut all he wanted to say into a couple of sentences…there weren't enough words anyway, no matter how much he talked.
"I never thanked you man…you saved my life, took a bullet meant for me and I…thank you….from the bottom of my heart. Thank you."
That threw him for a loop. When Kevin stayed, he knew it wasn't to try and fix things, which he appreciated, but he didn't know…he forgot about what happened in the raid.
Jay looked into his friend's glassy eyes and rasped out the truth in the strongest voice he could muster, "You would do the same for me."
"In a heartbeat but…"
Looking at Jay for a long moment, he released a sigh instead of the apology he wanted to put forth knowing Jay didn't want to hear it. He just wished he could take everything back, do everything different, right.
Jay read it in him anyway.
"It's okay Kev…I get it…"
He nodded at his friend's pardon and his lips twitched in a sad smile. Jay was 'okay' with it but he wasn't and he didn't get it in the least, why he treated Jay the way he did.
"Get some sleep bro."
Needing something to be normal, Jay held out his fist. "You too. You look like shit."
He bumped Jay's fist with his own, gave him a last look and walked out the door hoping his friend could read his gratitude as easily as he had read his guilt and exhaustion.
X
As soon as Kev left he felt the the burn of tears. He wondered if Adam and Kevin knew he couldn't be a cop anymore, that he was off the force…if any of them knew.
Dipping his head, he covered his eyes and let himself cry. All his life he'd just wanted to help, to protect. He was able to do that in the Rangers and then after a short stint in hell, the force. He was doing what he was born to do and as it turned out, in a way he absolutely loved, in a place that made the most difference - as a Detective in Intelligence.
He felt a rolling grip on his heart and covered his face with both hands. He wasn't able to stop the sobs but at least he could try to mute them. He was losing everything but even if he knew this was where he would end up, he wouldn't hesitate to do any of it again. Spencer was dead and couldn't kill anymore kids. His last case as a cop meant something and eventually that would give him solace.
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Whew! Poor Jay. He's so sad. I can't promise you guys when I will get the last chapter out. It still has a lot of work to go. But thank you (as always) for your patience!
Thank you for your comments kudos and reviews! They make my day!
Stay safe peeps! Big smooch!