As usual all speech in italics is in the Old Tongue.
Chapter XXXVIII - The Weight of the World
It was kind of impressive how fast Cadsuane took up a position in Rand's inner circle. She was practically a force of nature. After her rude entrance she seemed to turn on the spot while everyone was still off balance, suddenly respectful, albeit aloof, and more importantly offering good advice to Rand. The adeptness with which she seemed to be able to switch between behaviours was a bit frightening. As far as Taija could see, Cadsuane was everything that this time's aes sedai tried to be. Mysterious, domineering and manipulative. She hated it.
Still, she was without a doubt competent.
Regardless of Cadsuane, Taija was finding herself increasingly distracted by what she had felt linked with Rand. Every day it bothered her more. The fact that she'd just ignored the taint as an issue too. Yet another fuck up.
Taija even felt a bit guilty about her conversation with Moiraine. In hindsight she'd been coming to her with what she clearly thought was a major problem and Taija had reacted by threatening to kill her rather than listening to someone who, if she was honest with herself, would know much better than her. This really wasn't the person Taija was, or at least the person she wanted to be.
There was only one thing she could do. She needed to fix things. At first Taija made it her mission to learn more about the taint and men channeling. The Stone had an adequate library and while there seemed to be scant material on male channelers, there was still some, which she devoured. It was mostly unscientific garbage, but even that just made her feel worse. How stupid could she have been to ignore it? She didn't want to believe it though, maybe that was why she hadn't believed the taint was real. Only seeing what she wanted to see. Stupid. She needed to deal with reality as it was, not as she wanted it to be.
Homicidal madness in anything from weeks to a few years with a gradual descent and even if they managed to keep their sanity they inevitably died as their body rotted away. Story after story of men killing their families, their loved ones, whoever happened to be around them. Villages burnt. Armies raised and destroyed. Severed, hanged, burnt to death by mobs. It was horrific. Disgusting. Tragic. Another scar across her memories of her own time.
Apparently inevitable for both Rand and Aleksi. It played over and over again in Taija's mind.
Worse, every male channeler she ever knew. The lucky ones dead in the War. Antero must have died when the town hall collapsed, thank the Light. The unlucky ones mad, killing, burning, finishing what the Shadow started.
Taija wanted to vomit, curl into a ball and cry, but that wasn't an option. 3,000 years and no one had done anything to solve the problem. They gave up thousands of years ago, accepting the state of their world. There was no one else. She didn't think she could do the impossible, but if not her then who?
Taija had started thinking on the problem the day after Rand came to her and asked some oddly specific questions. She hadn't stopped since.
Why hadn't the aes sedai fixed the problem of the taint when it first came about? With the full resources of her society behind them and the War ending surely they could have done it. Had things really fallen apart to such a degree that they couldn't by the end of the War?
The research institutes, talented scientists, sa'angreal. What had gone wrong? Taija had to assume that things had fallen too far, which was a tragedy in itself. If the world she knew hadn't been able to save itself then there was no chance she could alone. So it must have already been shattered, it was the only way she could keep on hoping. Taija hated the thought of the glorious beauty that was her world in ruins, but it had to have been. It had to!
Despite her horror at the situation, there was something about the taint that grabbed her attention. It wasn't yet another obnoxious aes sedai, simpering noble or badly behaved teenager. To be fair the teenagers weren't that bad, they were just young. It was the sort of thing that she'd devoted her life to. Over 150 years spent analysing the foundations of the universe. Esoteric particles, wave functions, the Power. It was her bread and butter.
Taija was good at fighting, there was no question about it, but it wasn't her. Science was her first and last love and unlike every other love she'd had she hadn't lost it. She didn't get her third name before 200 for no reason.
This meant every spare moment was spent thinking about the taint. Remembering how it felt, the way it moved with saidin and trying to think about how to stop it. She'd even found a new favourite spot for thinking. An old tower on top of the Stone that was difficult to reach without Traveling. There she could sit and channel in peace, think about the taint, without being bothered by all the people who wanted her time.
Meals were brief, she made sure to wash regularly and she made time for the girls. Other than that, every minute away from the problem was a wasted one.
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While trying to work out what was going on with the taint was taking up almost all of Taija's attention, she made sure that she kept on working on the girls' training. It was sad that Egwene wasn't there too though, she hoped that she was doing well with the Wise Ones.
One of the first things Taija did was a proper debrief on the attack on the Stone. They fought Rahvin, which was a shock, but no one else she could think of would be both a male channeler in this time and dress like such a prick.
Taija was amazed at the fact that the girls held him off for as long as they did. Cadsuane was also clearly a very competent channeler. Taija could feel her strength and she wasn't in Rahvin's league, she was a fair bit weaker than Taija in fact, so she must have an angreal.
She took a few sessions to go over the girls' fight with Rahvin blow by blow, going into what they did right and what they could have done better. Overall she was really quite impressed, but there were a few things that she added to her teaching plans for them.
Taija spent as much time as she felt she could spare, more really, teaching them and it was pretty rewarding actually. The girls learnt like sponges, soaking everything up faster than she could hope for. Tactics, channeling, history and philosophy, Taija covered them all. If she was going to be teaching them then she was going to turn them into proper aes sedai.
Taija did wish she had more of a talent for healing though. Nynaeve seemed to have independently discovered or rediscovered how to do true healing. If she hadn't seen it Taija would have thought it was impossible at her level of training. She really needed someone who could help her develop and nurture her talent. Unfortunately she was stuck with Taija doing her inadequate best.
In lieu of that, one of the things Taija had them working on was inverting webs. While Siuan didn't have the patience to practice enough or possibly the talent for it, she was fairly sure that she could get them up to the level where they' would be fast enough to use the technique in combat, at least at a basic level.
Sometimes Aleksi sat in too. Particularly when Taija was talking about non-power related matters or discussing combat tactics. He was even more interested than the girls in a lot of what she had to say, or at least he did a good job of pretending.
It was after one of of those sessions that Aleksi followed Taija out. That wasn't unusual, but what was was how worried he looked.
"Taija, can we talk? In private." He looked around nervously.
"Of course," she didn't hesitate to swing into a side room and spin a ward against eavesdropping. "What's wrong? Tell me."
He took a moment to gather his thoughts, "it's about saidin." He began hesitantly. "Rand has a teacher. He took me aside and said he wanted me to have lessons too, that he could help me far more than Rand could."
Taija was a little confused, "well that's good news isn't it?" Why didn't Rand tell her though?
"Yes! Well, no. I don't know." He hesitated a moment and then it spilt out in a flurry of words. "It's Rand's new swordmaster, he's… he's not who he says he is. Rand made me swear not to tell you before he'd let me learn from him. I think he was a false dragon before, at least that's what Rand implied."
"Why would Rand be worried about that?" Taija was a bit confused. Was it because he was a former rival?
"Ha," Aleksi barked a laugh. "Sometimes I forget how much you don't know. False dragons are… not good people. They've brought destruction, war and ultimately madness to the world. Every sane hand is turned against them. He probably thought you'd hunt the man down and gentle him yourself."
"Oh…" She felt a little uncomfortable at the idea. "Wait though, you swore to Rand that you wouldn't tell me?"
Aleksi shrugged and looked embarrassed, "I'm your warder. Of course I was going to tell you. You know where my loyalties lie."
That made her smile. "Thank you Aleksi."
He still looked a bit nervous though. "You're not going to hunt him down and gentle him are you?" His voice dropped to a whisper, "I think he might be Mazrim Taim, he's definitely from the Borderlands."
Taija spoke slowly, carefully, remembering the words of the Aelfinn, "well… whatever his past don't they say that the Dragon breaks all ties? Perhaps he can redeem himself by helping you and Rand." She wouldn't say it to anyone from this time, but she had more than a little sympathy for men who declared themselves the Dragon Reborn, it might well look like a better option than just rolling over and dying or being severed. "Look, learn what you can from him and be careful. I don't want to interfere when you and Rand both need a teacher to survive. Let him keep his secrets. I trust you. Keep an eye on him and if he does anything to hurt you or Rand then tell me straight away. Otherwise… I think I don't want to know, let him have his privacy and we can all forget he was ever a false dragon."
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Taija still went to Rand's inner council meetings despite resenting the time away from thinking on the problem of the taint. An element of that was stubbornness. She knew Moiraine and Cadsuane would love to see her pushed out and she wasn't so distracted that she'd allow that, but also he was her friend and he might need her support if they were pushing too hard for their own agendas. That didn't mean she paid much attention in them though. Taija was ready to intervene if things got heated, but normally they were just talking about politics, ruling Tear, other no doubt important, but still boring things that she just didn't feel she knew much about.
She'd asked a question about the Seafolk a few days ago, which had apparently been deeply stupid. Taija had had to fight hard not to blush under the witheringly unimpressed look she'd received from Cadsuane. Not knowing basic things about the world was infuriating as was people thinking she was an idiot. It wasn't like they even had what would have been considered a basic education in her time! Cadsuane probably thought it rained because the Creator was crying or something like that.
However, Taija had more important and if she was totally honest with herself, more interesting and exciting things to do than to worry about that. It wasn't like it was in the good old days, but she was finally faced with the kind of problem that she'd dedicated her life to figuring out. If only it hadn't been so utterly horrifying.
That was why in many meetings while they droned on, she was just thinking about the taint. Taija knew she should pay more attention, but she just couldn't get her mind off it.
So she sat there, carefully spinning tiny, incredibly intricate, inverted webs. Quietly watching and manipulating them as she tried to figure out what could impact on the taint.
Her starting point had been a series of webs designed by Alemhok Tissa Adebir for separating out flows of the Power to allow analysis at the smallest possible level. She'd improved on them back in the day and she thought they might be the best starting point here. Before she could solve a problem like the taint, she needed to be able to measure it, to interact with it. Once she had that, she'd be able to manipulate it and then it would just be a matter of time to a solution. Hopefully anyway.
Spirit in ultra fine, layered sheets, threaded through with an interconnecting lattice of fire, air, earth and water. It was unlikely anyone else would be able to replicate something like this now, based on the lack of subtlety of the channelers of this time anyway, but that was fine. Concept first then replicability. Taija narrowed her eyes, if she upped the amount of fire on the transverse flows and also interwove more spirit into the lattice might that work better?
Suddenly she realised with a jump that the room had gone silent. When she refocused everyone was staring at her. Had she missed something? Why did they look worried? Except Cadsuane, she looked predatory.
Oh! Taija rewound vague memories, she thought they asked if she had anything to add. "Oh umm, no nothing from me, sorry." She mumbled the words, they were talking about some plot or another from a High Lord. Boring. Her mind was already going back to that little inverted web.
The glowing multicoloured lattice sat simultaneously suspended in the air in front of her, invisible to everyone else, and modelled in her mind at the same time. Perhaps this one would work, but she was sure she could improve it further. Taija was vaguely aware that she was biting her bottom lip, a bad habit when she was concentrating too hard, but she had much too much to think about to worry about that.
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Weeks went by in a blur as Taija focused her attention on the taint.
Rand was already getting too busy for her to experiment on him. He was more than willing to accommodate her when he had time, but she knew he had a thousand and one things pressing down on him. He seemed to be somewhere between king of Tear and the messiah and he had better things to do than stand there feeling the filth of the taint flow through him while she tried to feel it out.
Luckily Aleksi seemed to be learning prodigiously quickly. He must have had a fair bit of talent, although Taija suspected he was also pushing himself more than was safe. She'd say something, but she knew he'd just ignore it and, with the situation they were all in, getting strong, fast was probably a sensible risk to take.
It wasn't long before he'd learnt enough to be able to seize saidin on command and therefore also to enter a link with Taija and one of the girls. She felt just as bad making him stand there channeling the taint as she did with Rand, but she needed to feel it, explore it even though it turned her stomach. Every moment she wasn't working on it she was having to avoid imagining some of the very few living people she could consider herself close to dying horribly.
Taija drew on saidin through Aleksi, the trickle of Power that he could handle suffused with the oily horror of the taint. She was hopeful she was onto something this time. Channeling saidar she spun the web she'd been working on for the last week, placing the finely spun, intricate web of all five elements over the flow of the male half. It sunk into the bands of saidin and… her face fell. Saidin moved through it freely, as planned, but there was no interaction with the taint, just nothing.
She wanted to cry. What was she missing?! Taija could feel the taint, she could fucking see the taint in the flows, yet she couldn't find a web of saidar that would interact with it in any way. What was wrong with her?! She sat down with a thump, releasing both the link and saidar, head in her hands. She needed to think, there had to be a solution, there had to be. She couldn't be useless for this too!
Research was meant to be collaborative, it was resource intensive! Scientists didn't just sit there thinking clever thoughts until everything came together. She should be in a proper lab. Spotless white walls, surrounded by towering custom made detection and analysis ter'angreal. Not smooth stone and medieval tapestries. Taija wished she had her team with her too. Together they were the best in the world as far as she was concerned. She couldn't have done half the things she had without them.
There'd been Luan her number two. He'd been the rock the team rested on. Dead during the War.
Ilaria had been so young and bright, Belen had killed her, she hadn't even finished her doctorate. Taija could remember the sight of her intestines across the office floor like it was yesterday. Shinju, dead too. Sarita, the same day, dead. Mocktar, dead. Balla, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead! The word repeated itself in her head. They were all dead, it was all down to her to solve this. Just her. Alone. She shuddered and blinked rapidly to clear the blurring in her eyes.
After a moment Taija felt a large hand on your shoulder, "when did you last sleep Taija?" Aleksi's voice was full of concern.
"Last night!" She immediately protested, but actually… "I I'm not sure…"
He nodded firmly, "you're going to bed. Now, and you're going to sleep until tomorrow morning even if I have to get Nynaeve to feed you some of her herbs."
"No I need to…" Aleksi cut off her protest.
"No arguing. Bed. Now, or I'll carry you there." Taija found she didn't have the energy to argue. "Come on Taija." He easily hauled her to her feet and tugged her along, an arm round her shoulders. She staggered a little, maybe sleep wasn't such a bad idea.
"Ok ok, I'm going," she muttered petulantly.
He just kept walking her along, "I know you're trying to save me and I can't tell you how thankful I am, but I'm not going to watch you kill yourself doing it."
"Mmrmph." Taija mumbled something incoherent. She was vaguely aware that people were giving her odd looks as they went by. She supposed it was a break of these people's decorum that he'd got his arm round her, let alone that he was taking her to bed. Idiots.
She was practically asleep by the time her head hit the pillow.
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A few days later Taija was walking through the corridors of the Stone when Rhuarc suddenly appeared beside her. His disconcerting ability to sneak up on her aside, it was odd. He'd seemed to be avoiding her ever since their last conversation, although she hadn't been sure why. She'd had more important things to think about anyway. At least he slowed his pace to a more reasonable one for her.
"I see you Taija sedai." When Taija looked up at him he didn't seem desperately keen to be there.
"Hello Rhuarc, what's up, I mean how are you?" She should probably try to greet him the same way he greeted her. Another little thing to file away for when she had the headspace.
"I am well Taija sedai, I think that soon we shall be returning to the Dedicated Waste."
Now that was interesting. "Oh really, why is that? I thought that Rand was the man you were looking for? Your Chief of Chiefs."
Discomfort flashed across his stony face. Why did so many people in this time seem to put so much work on not showing their facial expressions?! "Whether Rand al'Thor is the Chief of Chiefs remains to be seen. It is for the Wise Ones and Rhuidean to determine the truth of the matter."
"But you think he is?"
Rhuarc's shrug didn't deny it, but neither did it confirm it. "What will be, will be." He glanced around almost looking likes he was nervous, but didn't say anything.
"Well I suppose I'll go with him, so it'll be nice to see Egwene again." The idea made Taija feel a bit more cheerful, she'd missed having her around.
Rhuarc nodded, "yes she is headstrong, but learning fast."
Taija raised her eyebrows, "how do you know that?"
"The Wise One Amys is a dreamer, so she passes on messages to me sometimes." Oh of course, that made sense. Quite convenient for them too, to be able to communicate fairly quickly without Traveling.
That seemed to kill the conversation though and they walked in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Still he didn't seem to want to leave. Was he trying to hit on her? Surely not. She was just imagining it, she must have been. He was being really awkward though. Then again awkwardness seemed to be standard for the Dedicated when they spoke to her.
Not that she'd be interested anyway. The very idea of getting with someone at the moment just made Taija want to curl into a ball and eat ice cream all night. Another thing lacking from this time. She couldn't be with someone that tall anyway, it gave her phantom neck ache just thinking about it. She was definitely just imagining it, for fuck's sake.
After a minute Taija threw him a bone, it was uncomfortable seeing the normally so impassive man looking awkward. "Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
She was surprised to see him look around again, he really was uncomfortable about something. "I had hoped to speak more of the Dedicated to Peace."
He looked like he'd rather be talking about anything else. "You do?" That was not what she'd expected.
Rhuarc nodded firmly, "you said that you went out into the fields to hear them sing?"
This was definitely one of the stranger ways that Taija had had someone hit on her. If that was even what he was doing. She wasn't sure enough to turn him down, that would be awkward if he was really just curious. "Oh well I just went once, it was basically just fields, not very interesting really, too flat. They were doing a growing song, it was interesting I suppose, nice voices. M'Jinn was much more interesting. That's the city I stayed in for the visit. You should have seen their history museum, they had artifacts from the first age and it was much more interesting than songs." She realised she was babbling and Rhuarc seemed to be unsure how to react.
Wait a minute, wasn't he married? She was sure he'd mentioned that before. Would that stop him? She needed to get out of there before she made an idiot of herself by telling him she wasn't interested or something!
"Oh I've just remembered I'm meant to be speaking to Aleksi about something, I have to run, sorry!" Taija was already moving off at speed.