As usual speech in italics is in the Old Tongue.
Chapter XXXIX - Click, Boom
Rand was sitting through yet another meeting. This time with Rhuarc and Lan to discuss the disposition of the Defenders of the Stone and the Aiel. However, his mind was elsewhere.
At first he hadn't been sure about Cadsuane, but he had to admit that she'd grown on him. Not only was her usefulness undeniable, but after that strange, initial rudeness she'd also become far more polite and helpful slotting herself neatly in among his advisers. She could still be abrasive, but she gave good advice and seemed to be much less focused on trying to manipulate him than Moiraine. She also had a talent for ferreting out secrets and a thorough understanding of a huge range of subjects.
Of course Rand wasn't stupid. He was well aware that she was aes sedai, a modern one anyway, and that he needed to look at everything she said and did three times to weed out hidden agendas. However, useful was useful and he certainly needed skilled advisers.
The only real fly in the ointment seemed to be Taija. He mentally corrected himself, the problem was Cadsuane's feelings about Taija, not Taija herself. Cadsuane seemed to have a grudge against her and he simply could not work out why. He'd asked her more than once and each time she'd said that the affairs of the aes sedai were for them alone and not to be questioned by outsiders.
That seemed to be her response to anything to do with Taija. He could see that something was eating Taija up from the inside too, which wasn't helping. He'd asked her what he could do to help and she'd just said not to worry about it and that he had enough on his plate, but he could see how distracted she was from, well, everything. The worry painted across her face when she thought no one was looking. He wasn't even sure she was noticing Cadsuane's petty sniping. In a way he hoped she wasn't.
His conversation with Cadsuane just before this meeting had been particularly odd. He'd asked, well no, he'd ordered her to stop her sniping at Taija, and didn't it feel strange to be giving orders to aes sedai.
She'd just smiled and told him not to worry, she knew Aleksi could channel. While he'd been spluttering protests she'd told him that he had nothing to worry about with the man, she accepted the situation there and wouldn't interfere, but since Aleksi was safe she would be resolving the situation with Taija so that there would be no need for any further conflict.
He hadn't been sure what she'd meant by that and then she'd left with a reminder that while she supported him as the Dragon Reborn, the affairs of aes sedai were for them alone, but that he shouldn't worry she would bring her conflict with Taija to an end as requested.
It had been bothering him ever since, surely it was good that she was going to resolve things. Except that what you heard an aes sedai say wasn't always what they meant. Resolve could mean all kinds of things, bring an end to…
"Mother's milk in a cup!" He sprang to his feet, already moving to the door. "Sorry, I have to go!" Light take him, if he was right and with Taija in her current mental state there'd be blood on the floor. Probably Cadsuane's. He broke into a dead run towards the room he knew Taija liked to use for her lessons. If he was right Cadsuane was about to do something very stupid.
About a week after her very odd conversation with Rhuarc, Taija was sitting in the room that she'd commandeered for lessons with the girls.
Teaching the two girls was essentially the only break that she got from her efforts at solving the problem of the taint on saidin. It was a pity Egwene wasn't there too, but she never ceased to be amazed by the speed at which Elayne and Nynaeve picked things up. They even put up with her various lectures on philosophy and being aes sedai with decent grace.
Today, as he often did, Aleksi was sitting in too as she wasn't really focusing on saidar. In fact, they'd somehow managed to get her diverted into an explanation of movies and how they worked. Taija knew exactly what they were doing when they tried to distract her away from her planned topic and onto something more exciting. Still, sometimes she needed a break too and even in her current, fragile emotional state she couldn't deny that she was getting some entertainment from trying to explain her favourite romcom to them. It wasn't the overall concept that was a struggle, but more the context it was all set in. It was bittersweet thinking about it, but she was feeling relaxed.
"No you see he was late because his car broke down and the mechanic was…" Taija trailed off as the door swung open and Cadsuane strode in. "Oh hello Cadsuane sedai."
Hard eyes in an unsmiling face took in the scene, but she didn't say anything when Taija greeted her with a polite, if slightly cold, smile, so after a moment Taija just ignored her and continued. Frankly she'd had enough of the woman anyway.
"Anyway the point was apparently meant to be an allegory for the impact of technology on relationships," she found herself slipping into her own language to try to explain, "but I just thought it was funny."
She heard a loud sniff come from Cadsuane and with a sigh she turned her attention back to her. "Can I help you Cadsuane sedai?"
Cadsuane took a step towards Taija, her eyes slowly scanning across the room's occupants. "This has gone on long enough," there seemed to be genuine anger in her voice and Taija found herself taking an instinctive step back.
"Excuse me?" She ignored the irritation flaring up inside her.
Cadsuane took another step forward, but this time Taija didn't retreat. "This," she gestured around the room. "You are making a mockery of the very concept of aes sedai girl. Did you really think this would be allowed to continue without consequences? Do you think this is funny?" The light of saidar sprung up around her, far too bright. As Taija had thought, she clearly had an angreal. Taija immediately embraced the Power herself. With her own angreal she had the advantage on strengt, although unless something had gone badly wrong with the webs she kept on herself Cadsuane wouldn't know where she stood.
Suppressing the bubbling fury within her, Taija kept her response calm, "my name is Taija, you may call me Taija sedai or Taija Kosola Miranen if you want to be formal, just as I do you the courtesy of calling you Cadsuane sedai." She nearly added 'despite my doubts about your worthiness for the title', she needed to stay polite. She didn't want a repeat of her conversation with Moiraine where she ended up threatening to kill her. Unhelpful and probably unjustified. Someone needed to be the adult here.
Cadsuane snorted, she was still advancing on Taija. "Did you think I would not find out your secret? If you had any idea what you were doing you would know that I can sense whether or not you can channel." She spun a web of spirit and slammed a shield into place on Aleksi. He jumped and suddenly looked worried.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you think you can walk in and insult me, threaten my friends…" On the other side of the room the light of saidar sprung up around Nynaeve and Elayne. Taija immediately snapped at them, "release it, now!" A moment later the light winked out again. "This, whatever idiocy it is, is between me and Cadsuane sedai. You are not to involve yourselves."
Cadsuane gave her a thin smile at that, "the first wise thing that I have heard you say since I arrived in the Stone. Typically the White Tower would severely punish anyone who claims to be aes sedai; however, out of respect for your friendship with the Dragon, I will settle for a public apology and recanting of your position." Her body language and tone made it clear that she both thought she was in an utterly dominant position and that she was doing Taija a huge favour.
Who the fuck did she think she was? Taija had been working herself to the bone trying to save their whole world from a problem they'd singularly failed to deal with for millennia. She was putting up with the White Tower aes sedai claiming a title they didn't deserve. She'd ignored Cadsuane's constant sniping. She needed to stay calm. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I was awarded the title, I am aes sedai. I have a better claim than you ever will. If you want to speak to me then show a modicum of respect. Otherwise you can leave." She couldn't help but muttering afterwards, "and preferably fall down a crevice." She was failing at staying calm.
"Ah finally the lamb shows some teeth." Cadsuane's smile was predatory. "You think you are so clever girl with your little story and your ridiculous attempts at the Old Tongue. You do not even realise, I know your secret, I have your lover shielded, you have nothing." Of course Taija knew he was shielded, she could see it. Wait. Lover, what? Her mind caught up with the implications.
"If you try to sever him, I will kill you before you can finish spinning the web." In an isntant Taija's tone went from angry to deadly serious. Cadsuane was in her personal space and Taia had to look up a bit to meet her eyes, but she did her best to convey that she meant every word of it. So much for getting through this without threatening to kill someone, but the voice of reason was fading away to the back of her head behind the rising flames of her anger.
Cadsuane just smiled at that, irritatingly unconcerned. "You will learn respect girl, I will teach it to you. Firstly though, the runaways need to be dealt with. Nynaeve, Elayne, this charade is over. You will be disciplined appropriately for running away and following that I shall continue your education properly. You will go to my rooms now and await my return when I have finished dealing with Taija 'sedai'." She layered sarcasm heavily onto the last word.
"No." Elayne and Nynaeve hadn't moved an inch, but Taija still said it. "Nynaeve and Elayne are my apprentices. They stay with me unless and until I release them or they decide they do not wish to learn from me. Unlike your White Tower's degenerate version, real aes sedai don't need to force people to obey them. We lead, we inspire and most importantly we serve." She stepped forward almost touching Cadsuane. "You people squat in the ruins of a once great institution perverting everything it stood for while you scavenge for the scraps of a civilisation you'll never even understand!" By the time she stopped talking she was practically spitting the words furiously.
"A pretty speech," Taija realised she'd put Cadsuane uncomfortably close to her, but she couldn't step back now, not without showing weakness. Despite her mocking words Cadsuane sounded genuinely angry. "Every word you speak will only increase your punishment. I would suggest you stop."
"Stop? Stop?! Who the fuck do you think you are…" Taija's world suddenly went white, why was she on the floor with her head ringing. Did Cadsuane just hit her? Cadsuane just slapped her! Hard.
The girls had embraced saidar again, Taija knew them well enough to see even through blurred vision that they were about to attack Cadsuane. It was hard to think with the absolutely white-hot fury that was roaring through her now, but she just about had the composure to snap at them, "no, this is between me and Cadsuane." No title for her anymore.
Taija hauled herself to her feet, her head still spinning a bit from the impact. She was well past losing her temper now. Homicidal rage burning through her. But no, she wouldn't kill her. However, she was going to make her wish she had. Taija exaggerated how woozy she felt, letting herself stagger backwards a little to create distance. Clutching her head. Was that blood from her lip? She was going to wipe that self satisfied smirk off Cadsuane's face!
Cadsuane continued, her voice oozing smugness. "It seems that you do not wish to choose the merciful option I offer. Very well then, I…" Taija spun five different webs all inverted. The woman was too strong to just shield, so she went for her legs with air, for the eyes with spirit and earth and three more webs of air from behind. "…shall have to teach you a firmer lesson." Cadsuane continued as if nothing had happened. Taija's webs just dissipated when they touched her, fell apart as if she'd released them. What. The. Fuck.
She realised she was just standing there staring when Cadsuane continued, "ah yes. You thought young Aleksi could save you. Like I said, I know your secret, he cannot channel for you now. Do not worry, I shall not do anything to harm him, but this farce is over." Cadsuane spun air into two webs, one to hold Taija in place and the other to cane her from behind, nothing overly harmful, just painful and humiliating.
Without even thinking Taija sliced them with inverted fire and spirit and Cadsuane jerked as the flows snapped back into her.
That might have been the moment to try to deescalate the situation, Cadsuane had some kind of unknown defence and Taija had just proven that she wasn't just a victim, but she was too angry. All the stress, the insults and now this. She couldn't keep it in any longer. Webs of saidar spring up around her looming and diving in towards Cadsuane.
"I'm spending every waking moment trying to save my friends' lives, doing things with the Power that you can't even start to understand you pathetic half educated barbarian, let alone copy and I get this." Taija gestured towards her, words spat out.
She bombarded Cadsuane with air, fire, spirit, spinning them together into esoteric webs, although careful to avoid anything actually lethal or that might hurt the girls or Aleksi, to try to get around whatever protection Cadsuane had as she went on. "Do you even know what I'm doing? What I've gone through? Of course you don't!"
Taija's webs just faded out of existence when they touched her. What in the Light was going on? Cadsuane wasn't cutting them, she wasn't deflecting them, Taija could see what she was channeling! Taija was still talking though, shouting even, she couldn't stop. She needed Cadsuane to know what she really thought of her. "You just swan around calling yourself aes sedai while serving no one."
Cadsuane must have had a ter'angreal of some kind. Something Taija hadn't seen before. She was channeling too, throwing a tangle of webs at Taija, splitting her flows multiple ways. Powerful, but simple. Crude. Slow. Taija sliced them. "You can't even get out of the way of someone who's trying to help. Even just standing aside. Instead all you can do is interfere, obstruct. Desperate for control. Pathetic! You're a perversion of the very concept of being aes sedai."
Cadsuane started to look worried as every web she formed was immediately sliced. Ha! "Do you even know how hard it is trying to do anything with the taint? I'm sitting there trying to work something out when I should have a whole team with me! Except they're dead, every single one of them!" Why were her eyes going blurry? "I should have an institution, friends colleagues, ter'angreal. Instead I'm just left doing it myself. My friends' lives in my hands and only if I can do something impossible. Something even my own civilisation couldn't do! Do you even know what friends are?!" Taija was ranting, but she couldn't stop.
Cadsuane was throwing a storm of webs at her even while she looked around trying to work out who could be slicing them. So much power, but no subtlety, Taija cut them, noting somewhere in the back of her head that Cadsuane still wasn't trying anything lethal, just painful.
Cadsuane took a step towards Taija, she didn't want her in arms reach though, not after she'd already hit her. Taija had stopped bothering to try to touch her with the Power it wasn't working, so she grabbed a chair with a web of air and threw it at her, forcing her to stagger back. It didn't seem to move her as much as Taija had expected though.
Cadsuane was still limiting herself to multiple webs of air, frustration and anger clear on her face now, aes sedai composure failing as she shouted at Taija. "You are only making things worse for yourself girl. Stop this madness, tell whoever it is that enough is enough!"
Taija didn't think she could stop even if she wanted to deescalate things and she didn't. "I hate this time! I hate that everyone I know is dead or worse and I hate that every time I try to help I have to work my way around manipulative bitches like you playing fucking stupid games." As she screwed her eyes shut for a second, hoping to clear the blur in them, Taija was vaguely aware that she was screaming in her own language. She nearly missed slicing one of Cadsuane's webs before it touched her. Sloppy, failing, just like she had been every day since she linked with Rand.
Taija grabbed three more chairs in webs of air and flung them at Cadsuane hard enough that each of them shattered over her, nearly knocking her off her feet. Yet she seemed to be unhurt. That should have hospitalised her. How many fucking ter'angreal did she have?! It was the fashionable hair jewelery it had to be. Another stolen treasure from Taija's time, although she'd never heard of anything that just made webs dissipate.
Suddenly Cadsuane was flinging far more serious webs at her. All of the elements mixed in. Taija sliced a web of fire and air that would have burnt her arm off, sliced a blade of air, sliced earth and water sent into the stone floor beneath her feet. It was a storm of saidar, but she was its eye, untouched by anything.
Taija wanted to hurt the smug bitch. Make her feel a fraction of what she was and Cadsuane had just taken off the gloves. "I just want to go home! Not be here finding each revelation worse than the last!"
With flows of air she demolished a pair of tables, ripping the legs from them in a fraction of a second and slammed the now flat surfaces into Cadsuane from each side. She thought she could use lethal webs on her without consequences? She'd fucking learn.
"Why can't I even have the smallest of pleasures without fucking aes sedai trying to take them away from me? Why can't I work it out? I don't want my friends to die!" Taija whipped the tables hard into the wall, Cadsuane sandwiched between them. Wham! Her webs faltered even as Taija sliced everything that came near her. She whipped her back into the other wall. Wham! Back again. Wham!
The light of saidar wavered around Cadsuane and the storm of webs around Taija abated. Wham! Taija sank to her knees unable to stop herself sobbing. Wham! Why were they all like this? Wham! The light of saidar winked out around Cadsuane. Why was everything on her? Wham! She just wanted to see her friends, to find out Tel had never really turned to the Shadow, to see Adanza one more time.
Taija jolted as her webs of air were sliced and snapped back into her. She looked up through tear-filled eyes already spinning several nasty webs to see Rand looking absolutely furious. "What in the Light are you doing?! Stop this madness!" His shout was shockingly loud.
She'd never seen him look this angry. She didn't even know how to answer, what was she thinking? The girls and Aleksi looked terrified, horrified. She needed to get out of there, she couldn't deal with it.
Without conscious thought Taija spun a gateway to her spot on the tower and threw herself through it, forcing it closed behind her before anyone could do more than gape.
Taija must have been up there for at least an hour, staring down at Tear, sitting on the edge of the vertiginous drop. At least the air was fresher up there, away from the smells and sounds of a medieval castle. Her lip was painfully swollen and she was fairly sure she had a red handmark across her face.
Why was she such a fuck up? She couldn't help her friends, she didn't seem to be able to handle actual grown-ups, the only people she had any real relationship with were in their twenties at best, and she was failing utterly at dealing with the taint. Everything had made so much more sense in her own time.
All she really wanted was to be back home. Even if it was in the middle of the War. Even if Lanfear had already killed her family. At least she'd had friends, comrades a feeling that she could actually make a difference. A society that wasn't perfect but at least felt like it meant something. Somewhere where she could fit in and be valued rather than be the constant outsider. At best an odd relic of a bygone era. At worst an alien inconvenience to be removed or worked around. She was just useless here, failing. What was even teh point?
Taija was disgusted at the way her self-control was fraying too. Every decision seemed justified at the time, but she'd just battered an old woman to the point that if Nynaeve or Moiraine didn't heal her she'd need months of recovery. Sure, she was provoked, but she was better than that. Better than these people.
Taija stared down at the ground a long way below her dangling feet, her hair fluttering in the breeze. None of them understood, not really. Most of the people she really liked, which was painfully few, were basically children. They looked up to her, needed her to be strong, wise, to help them. And she wanted to. Of course she did. She'd put her life on the line for them, she'd killed her way through small armies for them.
It wasn't enough though. Taija's mind was pulled inevitably back to the sick, slick feel of the taint. To Tel's scarred, snarling face and hate filled eyes. Was this how Tel felt? Was this what drove him to betray everything both of them had ever stood for?
No! There was no excuse. He had friends, supporters a cause that meant something, a world to protect. Taija crushed the momentary feeling of sympathy. He'd never had to face what she was and regardless, she would die before she turned to the Shadow. It wasn't even a question.
She looked down at the ground again.
Taija wasn't sure how long she sat there alone in her thoughts. The whole reason she liked this place was that no one seemed to know about it and anyway they couldn't get there without a ladder or Traveling.
That was why she jumped so hard she nearly fell off when she saw a pair of hands appear over the edge shortly followed by Lan's stone faced visage. Did he just climb up the outside of the Tower?! Was he insane? He could have died! He wasn't even sweating!
Taija's surprise stifled her instinctive response to snap at him to go away and leave her alone and she settled for something milder. "What are you doing here Lan?"
He finished hauling himself up and sat down beside her before answering. "Duty is heavier than a mountain, death is lighter than a feather." It was that phrase of his that Rand liked to repeat. He didn't look at her as he spoke, just looking out over Tear like she was.
"I don't want to hear it. You don't understand, how can you?" Taija was so tired. Tired of this time, tired of constantly trying and tired of being alone.
Lan didn't answer for a while and then began to speak, his piercing blue eyes staring out at the sky. "I was born in Malkier, into the royal family as the heir to the throne." He took a breath, even behind his stoic mask Taija could see he didn't like to talk about it. "When I was just an infant the trollocs came. Hordes beyond count descending on my homeland."
"Malkier's border forts had been stripped bare, a betrayal as it turned out, and the trollocs overran them in hours. My parents placed my father's sword in my infant hands and sent me south with twenty of the best swordsmen in Malkier." His hand unconsciously dropped to the hilt of his sword. "Five of them survived to see me to Shienar."
Taija winced at the thought that she'd nearly decided to go Malkier after reading an outdated book in Caemlyn, but didn't interrupt. This was by far the most words she'd heard Lan say at any one time.
"I grew up amidst the remnants of my culture, feted as the heir to a lost kingdom, but reminded of what was gone at every turn. My parents' retainers brought me up in the Malkieri way, placing the burden of duty on the shoulders of a child. Even today every Borderlander looks at me and wants to know when I will be raising the Golden Crane banner of Malkier and leading them back to retake my country. A wasteland that has been overrun by the Blight. The Seven Towers have fallen, the Thousand Lakes are poisonous and infested with creatures of the Blight. The Aiel call me Man Alone because I represent the last of my people."
"I'm sorry." Taija mumbled, she really shouldn't have been wallowing in her own grief.
"I do not tell you this to lessen your own struggles. I cannot claim to understand more than part of your pain and the world you come from. I was not there, I still have some remnants of my people, but I can understand part of it. Sometimes it can seem almost impossible to keep going, but always duty asks ever more." His voice was level, almost musing.
Lan continued. "Since I met Moiraine I have been dedicated to her and her mission. I had not thought I could be diverted from my duty to Malkier, but she had a higher duty. We have spent the last twenty years seeking the Dragon Reborn because nothing is more important. Rand al'Thor must survive and he must succeed. We have given up everything for half our lives to help him, when every hand in the world would be turned against us for it. Duty is an unrewarding mistress with myriad demands, but how can we let it go?"
Had Moiraine sent him? Taija hated herself, hated this time, for even having to think about that sort of thing. He seemed to read her mind though.
"Moiraine has not sent me here to speak to you. If she knew I was here she would be furious. I am here to speak to you as al'Lan Mandragoran not as Moiraine's warder."
"Fine." Taija's response was short, rude really, but he ignored that.
"I want you to understand, your efforts are not in vain. I see the sacrifices that you make, the pain you deal with. Others do too." He huffed slightly. "I know you and Moiraine have your disagreements, but even she respects what you do. It can be hard to deal with someone who is so outside one's expectations."
Despite her mood Taija found herself responding. "It's… it's just hard. I've barely had time to even think about things. Well under a year ago I had a fiancé, I was living in what you call the 'Age of Legends'. Then suddenly it's gone. Dust blown away by the winds of time. The continents aren't even the same shape as in my time. Yet there's always more for me to do. I can't even take the time to mourn because I need to make sure my friends survive only I don't know if I even can."
Lan nodded, "when I say duty is heavier than a mountain it is not a mere platitude. I look at you and I see strength, you will succeed, true blood of Adanza."
Taija sighed and the two of them subsided into something one might, at a stretch, call companionable silence.