Interlude XXV - Why Has The Light Forsaken Us?
An extract from A Comprehensive Record of the Breaking by Olovin Analda, the last copy of which was believed to have been lost during the Trolloc Wars
Naturally what was left of the Government had to react following the strike on Shayol Ghul and the tainting of saidin. It appears that at first the primary effort was focused on continuing the war against the Shadow as its forces remained active, if disorganised, following the sealing of the Bore (see chapter IV for more details on this). This of course made sense in the context of the time and devastating war that was just starting to come to its conclusion.
Despite their incredible wisdom and knowledge, it seems that it took the aes sedai and what was left of the Grand Council some time to understand what had happened to saidin. Perhaps they were simply distracted by the madness of the Hundred Companions and the destruction they wrought, along with the ongoing war.
Without wishing to belabour the point, records from the Breaking and the times before it are inevitably sparse, even after only 500 years, which of course would leave us firmly within the lifespan of stronger aes sedai from the more utopian past, if only any had survived. However, from what little I have been able to piece together in both primary and secondary sources, I do believe that a wide societal effort swung into action after some delay.
I think it is clear that the belief was initially that it was only the Hundred Companions that had gone insane. A terrible problem, but presumably a manageable one with the resources of the time. Once it was realised that the madness was not limited to the Hundred Companions and more and more of the male aes sedai were joining the ranks of the insane, greater efforts were undertaken. The remains of the Grand Council assigned what resources they had to the cause of removing the taint and a number of efforts began around the world. No doubt I lack records of some of them, but it is clear that some were better resourced than others.
As readers will know, all of these attempts ultimately bore no fruit and, as was most likely inevitable, men cursed with the ability to channel continue to suffer and kill to this day.
Nevertheless, it appears that it took many years for the world to truly accept the irrevocable nature of the taint. I believe it does our ancestors credit that they appear to have gone to such efforts to cleanse saidin. However, I must wonder whether those efforts could have been better spent on protecting those that survived and dealing with the threat that the remaining male aes sedai represented. Perhaps more could then have been saved from the madness and destruction of the Breaking rather than being wasted in futile efforts to prevent the inevitable. It is unlikely that the truth will ever be known, but it does stand as a warning against focusing on a lost cause.
In this chapter I shall set out my understanding of those efforts and their lack of results. May the Creator have mercy on the souls of those who tried.
I begin with what I believe to be one of the best primary sources in existence. What is left of the diary of Matin Kesharan Veliros. It is incomplete and what still exists is damaged in many places, but it remains one of the most valuable guides to the sheer futility and waste of the efforts to cleanse the taint. Matin Kesharan's death also illustrates the foolishness of attempting to work with tainted saidin and the men cursed to channel it.
I have copied what is left of the relevant parts of his diary below, word for word, so that the reader may make their own judgment.
For context Matin Kesharan Veliros was one of the leading scholars of the Age of Legends, although little is known of him beyond that. His prominence can be seen from the fact that he had a third name, a high honour in those times as readers will be aware. It seems that he was believed to be the man best placed to attempt to cleanse the taint. In his diary he names other individuals as being better qualified, but it is not clear if this is false modesty or simply desperation derived from his own failures. Sadly no records remain of any of those individuals, although given they all had third names they surely had many great achievements of their own. One of the countless tragedies of the Breaking is the sheer number of historic individuals who have simply been forgotten by history.
I shall provide my analysis of the diary's contents following the extracts.
The Diary of Matin Kesharan Veliros
15 January 5,890
Selyth Linineos came for me today. I was just sitting at home, wondering what had happened to the world, trying to decide what to do and she burst in, shielded me and dragged me in front of an emergency Ajah from the Hall of Servants, not that there's much left of that anymore. Still trying to replicate the pomp and ceremony, pointless as that is these days.
It's not even that I minded being shielded, I don't want to channel this vileness. It's horrific. I just want to vomit every time I seize saidin. What did Lews Therin even do?!
But the rudeness, it's unforgivable! What's happening to us that you can just kidnap someone from their home because you need them? We have laws, human rights for a reason!
The Ajah said they want me to lead a team using the Emar Dal ISR's Holia branch. Apparently it's the only place they know with surviving facilities. I tried to tell them that I'm not the person they're looking for, that I can't help them. To just let me enjoy what's left of my retirement in peace, but they wouldn't listen.
Bloody women. They said I'm one of two Third Named physicists left alive on the planet. Surely that can't be right? There must be others. I can't think of any now, but there must be.
I told them I'm an astrophysicist and they didn't care. Told me I could choose between being severed as a threat to them all and doing as I was told. It was outrageous! I know things are bad, but what happened to laws, civilisation, even human kindness?!
Is madness my fate too? I don't know. Everyone looks at me suspiciously now. It's difficult, even if I understand why, but there's nothing I can do about it. Hopefully this will pass. We won the War after all. Or are winning. Surely we must be. The Dark One's sealed, but everything's still wrong.
Creator protect us.
23 January 5,890
I've tried to channel as little as possible, I can't stand the way it feels. They told me that other than finishing the War, this project was the absolute top priority. Anyone I needed I could have, straight off the front lines, any other project, mine. But there's nobody. They've given me a bunch of half-trained PhD students and traumatised soldiers to work with! Just two post-docs. Some of the PhD students are still probably better suited to this than I am. Light!
I heard Comelle Adanzan is gone, buried under a mountain. I don't think I can do this, but I realise I have to. Never mind the Shadow, this madness is going to destroy us before the trollocs can.
Can I really be the best there is? I heard that Verava Haenan Valeva is leading another effort, halfway across the world. They've stuck her in that Light-forsaken facility up near Marlean, great equipment, but why anyone would want to live somewhere that cold I don't know.
She's far better suited to this than I am, she should be leading both our efforts, or at least we should be collaborating, but gateways don't work properly anymore, it's almost impossible to communicate, let along Travel. We can't even share much. Light help us all.
I have a pile of books on my desk. I'm trying to teach myself a whole new field from undergraduate lectures I heard getting on for five hundred years ago. I'm too old for this shit, but I've got no choice.
15 February 5,890
At least the ISR's analytical ter'angreal are intact and top notch. They must have been upgraded right before the War began. It's not like the Government's been spending much money on research that doesn't involve blowing things up since then. Whatever happened to the world I loved? Fucking Mierin Eronaile, that's what.
It's been a real challenge getting some of these children trained up enough to use the things though. Hardly any of us other than me are strong enough either. They're having to form circles just to power the ter'angreal. No standing flows anymore. Apparently electricity is difficult everywhere. The ISR actually has an archaic geothermal generator though, so at least we have some comforts. I wonder who signed off on the budget for that! I'd like to thank them, but they're probable dead.
Noren Moeraw nearly came across the facility today. He's strong, far too strong. We were all in a big circle, ready to try to drive him off, but something must have distracted him because he turned away. Thank the Light. I don't want to have to kill anyone, let alone someone I know. Knew? Why has this happened? Why did the Creator let this happen?!
28 February 5,890
I'm so tired. We got our first results through from the analytical ter'angreal and I stayed up all night studying them. So did Alyela and Hanaine. I know I'm nominally in charge, but we all know they've got a better chance of working this out than I have. Just because they haven't got third names, barely out of their doctorates in fact, doesn't mean I know more than them.
I thought Hanaine might have had a crush on me before, even if don't swing that way, but every time she looks at me now it's either fear or disgust in her eyes. Why has this been done to us? We didn't deserve this!
At least the ter'angreal had excellent resolution and we certainly have no shortage of the taint to study, but there's nothing. I don't really understand what I'm seeing, but as far as I can tell the scans are just going straight through it. It's like the taint's not there, yet every man here can feel it sinking its vileness into their bones. I need to do more reading, I've got to work this out before it's too late.
14 March 5,890
Ondel started raving about spiders in the walls yesterday. In the end all we could do was give him an overdose of morphine. He was only 21. I had to lock myself in my office for a couple of hours afterwards. How can I even look anyone in the eye after that? I just killed a man. I've never killed anyone before.
Is this what's waiting for all of us? I can't stand it. The men are all terrified that they'll be next. The women are watching us out of the corner of their eyes. I think they'd be happier if they could just sever all of us, but they can't. They need us. Isn't that insane?! The women want to sever the men. If I said that to someone a year ago they'd have thought I was mad. What happened to us?
17 March 5,890
Still nothing. I haven't been getting anywhere near enough sleep, but I can't let myself rest. I'm trying everything I can think of, changing settings, channeling different webs, using different ter'angreal. Then I'm staying up reading, trying to learn a whole new field. I don't really know what I'm doing, just trying to remember old papers that I half read, but they're all looking to me. Even the women.
Selyth visited today too. She was clearly angry with our lack of progress, but what more can we do? I'm doing my best, so is everyone else. She said if I didn't do better they'd find someone else. I told her please do, I wish there was someone else.
This damned war, it's taken so many of the best from us. I know some of them would have cracked this, they must have been able to! So many people dead and I can't stop thinking of them. I don't even know how many people remember them anymore. The greatest names in our field and practically forgotten already. I won't forget them though. I won't!
Alris Haenanche Namagar. He ended up worshipping at Graendal's feet. I saw him there when they hacked the broadcast systems. So ruggedly handsome and so clever behind those big green eyes. I wish I'd asked him out when I had the chance. No one could possibly deserve what that monster did, but particularly not him.
Taija Kosola Miranen. Ishamael killed her years ago. She was such an odd little lady, hanging out in Jalanda. Young too, not much past 150, but the things she could do with the Power, true genius. Why she went out to fight on the front lines I'll never know. Too young to die.
Gaidon Kenere Dolin. He might have been old, but his mind was as sharp as ever. He could see so deeply into things. I think he died trying to defend Tzora from one of those madmen. What a waste. Him and the Dedicated to Peace, I shudder every time I think about it. There's a lot that makes me shudder these days.
Sivia Cyros Lothalin, a strong, intelligent woman, but not strong enough to save her from Mierin Eronaile. That woman's sheer bitter pettiness… Light. Fuck the Forsaken but fuck Mierin Eronaile in particular!
I need to stop doing this to myself. I need a drink.
14 May 5,890
Yet more futile effort, is it just impossible? Nothing I try works. Nothing!
I really think the women are becoming more and more paranoid. They're all looking at us sideways. I've stared checking my drinks and food for poison. They're terrified that we're going to go mad and kill them all. I'm not mad. Not yet, but the world certainly is. I can't even fault the women for being terrified. I certainly am.
6 July 5,890
We've at least started having some tiny bits of success now. It's lucky that we are, or I'd have given into despair long ago. We've established that the taint seems to sit in a gap between saidin and realspace. But that's by finding the gap with some careful calibration of the Dimensional Analysis Matrix, we still can't detect the fucking thing. All we're seeing is the absence of anything rather than the taint itself. How can we do anything with it if we can't even detect it? How can we not detect it when we can feel it every time it touches us?! We have ter'angreal here capable of detecting things on the sub-atomic level and they can't beat my own sense of horror. Oh Light the feel of the taint is so disgusting! Yet I have to channel every day to try to make progress.
We still can't find any sensor that will detect the taint. I don't know if it's just the team here, or if it's simply impossible. The Dark One has done something, I don't even know what. If the Dark One was obvious or easy to beat we'd have won the War long ago.
I opened the floor up to everyone for ideas long ago. They put me in charge because of my third name, typical military, not understanding how specialisms work, but there are plenty of more junior people with more expertise in this. Hanaine even studied under Gaidon Kenere for a while.
Nothing's worked though. Nothing at all is working. Is this our fate? Choosing between killing everyone around us or going quietly into the night?
12 July 5,890
I definitely saw Alyela slip something into my drink today. I didn't say anything, I just got myself a new one. We need her even if she is so scared of me going mad that she's willing to try that. I need to be careful though, very very careful. The women have got good reason to be afraid of us men, but I'm starting to be afraid of them too. This all started with Latra Posae Decume and Lews Therin Telamon's stupid argument, I mustn't let myself get sucked into that ridiculous division. This is too important.
3 August 5,890
I went outside for the first time in two months. I wanted to see the Sun. I can't take it much longer, being locked inside that building with so many people who want to kill me because I could go mad any second, or who might go mad any second themselves.
It's meant to be summer. There was no Sun. Just brown-grey dust clouds blocking out the light as far as the eye could see. What's happening to the world? Is there even anything left to save?
6 August 5,890
Our contact from the Ajah is a week overdue. I'm starting to think we might be the only ones left. Nalam went mad today, he started smashing his way through walls raving about how he was going to kill the trollocs. Three of us dead. Plus him of course. There was so much blood.
I can't give up, but it's hard not to.
31 August 5,890
Everything's falling apart. Another two of the men have gone mad. I just had a screaming argument with Hanaine and Alyela in front of everyone. They said it's too dangerous to keep working like this, that the men are all going mad. I told them they were mad themselves and I knew what they were up to. Eventually we apologised to each other, but it's a wasted day with no progress. Not that we were making much anyway.
I've got an idea for a new array with a set of four ter'angreal. If we can get a deep enough scan, maybe that'll give us what we need.
Hopefully we can try that before Hanaine and Alyela snap, I can see how stressed they are by, well everything. All the men are twitchy too and I'm wondering how much of it is madness and how much is just fear.
5 September 5,890
A few of the women have vanished. I think they've probably run away, maybe to find their families. I want to condemn them for it, this is more important than anything else we could possibly be doing, but how can I? If I wasn't so old I'd be tempted too. I suppose it's lucky that I'm alone. It makes this that little bit easier.
Now I have to worry about other people running away though. One more thing to worry about.
30 September 5,890
I'm fairly sure Hanaine and Alyela tried to kill me today. They must think I've gone mad and need to be put down, but they know I'm too strong to face head on. I was trying to get readings from the quantum mirror and when I connected to it with spirit it shattered, explosively. Luckily I've only got a few scratches, but it could have been so much worse. They're wrong of course. I'm not mad, not yet.
I'm going to have to have a talk with them about this. They can't keep on doing this. If they won't work under me anymore then they need to leave. I've put up with their paranoia because I understand where it's coming from, but I can't allow them to sabotage the project. We're the only hope left in the world.
2 October 5,890
I think this might be my last diary entry. Everything's gone wrong. I had a talk with Hanaine and Alyela in my office, but I think the other men must have gone mad. I've locked the door, put up wards, but I can heard them hammering away at them from outside, howling for my blood.
Hanaine and Alyela are refusing to help. They're just sitting there judging me. What have I done to deserve this? The War was over. We won. I just wanted to enjoy a peaceful retirement.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to die.