2. Persistently Hosting the Fallen Official for His Safety

The first thing that came back to the surface, oddly, was a scent. It was mild and floral, not precisely familiar but stirring memories nonetheless. Then Shi Qingxuan felt the softness of the bed under him and the delicate fabric of the sheets, and his breath caught. It had been a nightmare. He was home, he was still himself, and all of the horror had been a dream. He raised his hands to rub over his face and smacked his head with something hard in the process. 'What the hell?'

He opened his eyes to find his arm in a cast. 'Oh.' He sat up slowly, realising that this place was completely unfamiliar. Cautiously, he took inventory of his state. His leg was also in a cast, and he was wearing way less than he should be in an unknown location. What little did cover his body was pristine, meaning he'd been stripped and cleaned by a total stranger at some point. Colour crept high into his face at the thought. The floral scent he had noticed earlier came from his own hair, so they had also taken it upon themselves to groom it. For a while he contemplated if he was more embarrassed or grateful, but when his fingers found a bandage on his neck, he decided on the latter.

He wondered briefly if the young woman he had followed had managed to escape and bring him back or if someone else had rescued him. His question was answered when the door to his room opened and the same young woman rushed inside. 'You're awake!' she said. 'Finally.'

Feeling terribly self-conscious, Shi Qingxuan pulled up the cover to hide. 'Yes. I'll … um, be going. Thank you so much for everything.'

'I don't think that's a brilliant idea yet.'

Deciding that modesty had never done anyone any good, Shi Qingxuan dropped the cover and swung his legs out of bed to stand up.

It turned out that this really wasn't a great move. His heart was beating much too fast, and he sank back down before he could fall.

'You lost a lot of blood. Your whole body was caked in it. Don't worry, my physician kicked me out while he cleaned and dressed you. But it will take a little before you're all right.'

'What are the casts for?' he asked. His broken bones had long healed. Not well, but he could walk.

'I'm sorry. Like I said, my physician had you in his care. He … didn't ask my opinion, he broke your bones again and set them, so they can heal properly.'

'Wonderful.' Resigned, Shi Qingxuan stored his broken body under the covers again. 'I'm not in pain, though. And I'm alive, which is a surprise.'

'He gave you something for the pain. You'll be better in a week.'

He doubted that. His injuries had taken a lot more time to heal originally. 'I can't possibly stay that long.'

'You saved my life, you realise that?' Her voice took a slightly angry note. 'At least let me give something back for throwing yourself at a monster. You don't know me at all, you don't know that I have no-one. I drove everyone away and no-one will ever forgive me!' She closed her eyes and shook her head. 'No-one can forgive me. Maybe if I help you, I can hate myself a little less.'

'Most things can be forgiven,' Shi Qingxuan whispered. His thoughts drifted to his brother; to what he had done; to what had been done to him. 'Not everything, but somehow I doubt that you fall into that category.'

'You don't know me,' she said again, refusing to meet his eyes.

He wished she wouldn't look so hurt. Maybe he should get her to focus on the fact that she had saved his life more than the other way around. 'How … did you get away?' he asked.

She shook her head with a distant look. 'It was so weird. After attacking you … or after you attacked it, I should say, it just … ran off.'

'That is weird.' He had been sure the thing was coming for her, not him. Much rather, it had actively tried to get around him.

'Do you have any enemies?' she asked.

He didn't want to laugh, but he just couldn't stop himself. He struggled to get his reaction under control, and when he managed, he found her watching him. 'My apologies. I just … No. The answer is no. I … think no-one wants to kill me, that is.' He Xuan wouldn't do that. Not after … His eyes flew wide. 'My things! Not that I have a lot, but … Oh, no.'

'I have kept your fan. The clothes couldn't be salvaged, though. They're in shreds after the attack. The fan didn't make it intact, either. I'm sorry.' She passed him the cracked item, and a smile formed on his face as he hugged it close.

'That's okay, it already was that way.' She must think him completely insane. At least she clearly considered him a harmless fool.

Her expression was soft as she watched him. 'Do you have a name, by the way?'

'Yes.' He hesitated, and her brows travelled upwards at this inadequate response. He felt that if he introduced himself as Ol' Feng, she'd think he was totally nuts. 'Xuan,' he said eventually. 'My name's Xuan.'

Her brows rose even higher for a moment, then she laughed. Maybe, she was a little crazy, too. 'Okay, Xuan-xiong. I'm Wang Ai. Everyone in the household calls me Xiao-Wang. If you want me to react, you should, too.' She raised a finger. 'You stay here. I'll bring you food in a short while. You look like you need it. Oh, and I'll see that you get proper clothes before that.'

As he watched her leave, his heart broke a little. You called for the wrong person, He Xuan had said. Xuan-xiong was something he could have called him, and he'd failed one last critical time. He stared at the empty room, feeling lost. 'Now I've done it, I took the name I should have used on top of denying it to you. Forgive me.' The recipient of those words, of course, couldn't hear him. He never would.

Ϡ

A pile of clothes was brought in by a serving girl. 'Please, sir, pick anything you like,' she said in a slightly timid tone. With her eyes trained firmly on the floor, she placed her delivery on a chair.

'Please don't be scared of me,' Shi Qingxuan said. 'I promise I'm completely harmless.'

It was clearly the wrong thing to say because she fled the room, leaving him slightly dejected. Now that he was alone, he took a moment to look around. The room was large, the decoration very rich. There was a table with two chairs – one of them almost hidden under a heap of fabric – near the bed and a crutch had been placed next to him. Shi Qingxuan inspected it, then decided that he was probably going to be better off using it for now. It was a little taller than was ideal for him, but it helped him move across the room. The clothes also seemed too large for him – just a bit longer than they should be and about twice as wide. But they were clean and soft, and he nearly cried when he touched them. Nearly.

Most of the things were more extravagant than he wanted. He had a hunch that Wang Ai would make him keep whatever he chose, so he looked for something that wouldn't feel like theft.

Eventually, he dug a simple off-white cultivator's robe out of the pile. He hesitated briefly and then settled on that.

Even this little exercise had worn him out. He must really have lost a lot of blood. Drained and exhausted, he dragged himself back to bed and lay on top of it, contemplating the ceiling, his life so far, and how on earth he was getting out of here without offending the kind young woman.

Shi Qingxuan hadn't even noticed that he'd drifted back asleep. He clearly did need the rest as much as Wang Ai had said. Her soft voice registered in him as she sang, sometimes closer, sometimes a little further, accompanied by the sound of footsteps and what was probably a plate and food being placed on a table. Shi Qingxuan didn't dare to move. He knew the song, he loved it, and if she noticed that he was awake, she might stop.

'The moon stands high, the night is deep,

They lull all hearts into warm sleep,

The stars are glowing on the lake,

My soul, like them, must stay awake.

All around me candles burn bright,

Whileright at your shoulder I'll sing through the night,

Maybea dream will bring you to me,

Whole and free.

On a storm's proud wings all the lands I've flown,

Magic blooms I carry for you alone,

In my dreams I find your eyes river-clear,

When the day comes by, may I see them near.

All around me candles burn bright,

Whileright at your shoulder I'll sing through the night,

Maybea dream will bring you to me,

Whole and free.

Xuan-xiong? Food is here.' Her voice was still soft enough not to rouse him from deep sleep as it slipped from its song to speech, but since he was awake already, he smiled and sat up. For a moment, he was dizzy again, but it passed more quickly this time.

'Thank you. It smells amazing.' It was the truth, not just the fact that he hadn't had a warm meal since the feast at Puqi shrine. 'I'll only need a moment …'

'I can help you.'

'I can walk on my own.' He hadn't spoken sharply, but Wang Ai's face fell a little all the same. 'I am used to getting around like this, I mean. I … prefer not to rely on others. Which is why I won't encroach on you any longer than I absolutely have to.' He smiled slightly. 'But the truth is, I wouldn't get far right now, so I will … stay here until I can walk more than ten steps without feeling like my heart will burst out of my chest.'

'Good. Sit. Eat.'

'What about you? You look hungry.'

She did, but she shook her head and took a step away. 'No. It's yours. All of it.'

Shi Qingxuan looked at what she had brought. He wouldn't be able to eat that in one sitting under the threat of violence. 'So you'll just … stand there and watch me eat? Come on. That's so awkward! And it's way too much for me alone.'

Wang Ai huffed. 'Fine. You bully.' She frowned a little. 'I'm sorry I called you a moron earlier.'

'That's all right.' Shi Qingxuan watched her surreptitiously as they ate. Judging from the look of her face, she could have been eating sand. Her expression was dour until it travelled to him, and finally she snapped back to the present. 'It's really good,' he told her, and she needed a moment to realise he meant the food.

'I'm glad,' she said. 'Sorry that I'm so insistent that you stay. I don't mean anything malicious by it. You … saved so many lives, and no-one seems to see you.'

Ah. That was it. 'I was hardly alone in that,' Shi Qingxuan said truthfully.

'No, but I hear you're the one who made it possible! For what you did there, for your bravery and perseverance you should have …' She halted abruptly, closed her eyes and shook her head. 'You should have been rewarded,' she finished her sentence.

'I was. We all were, as it should be. I'm not better than anyone else that became part of the human array – or those who didn't have the strength to join but the wisdom to know they shouldn't.' He tilted his head. 'Why did you really go to the temple?'

'I was looking for someone.'

'For me?' It seemed absurd, but she did know him and was more impressed than warranted.

She shrugged. 'I … am in huge trouble. You saw which kind.'

'Then the ghost was after you!' he blurted. 'Do you know why?'

She looked away from him. 'No. It isn't exactly speaking to me.'

Somehow Shi Qingxuan had a feeling this wasn't the whole truth. 'But why go to me? Why not pray to your preferred martial god?'

'Because I saw what you did!' She slammed her fist onto the table so hard it creaked. 'I couldn't enter the array, but I saw you … wave your little fan and blast meteorites away from all of us! Why should I pray to some random god when one is living right next door?'

He sighed and put down his chopsticks. He wasn't used to eating a lot at a time any more and didn't want to risk getting nauseous. Only then did he realise that between the two of them they had finished the food, and he had eaten most of it. 'I can't … do that now, though. I swear, if I could, I'd stay here with you and try to reason with your ghost or chase it away for good, but you saw how powerless I am. I'm no god.'

'And yet you attacked it.'

'And a whole lot of good that did.'

'It's gone and hasn't returned since. You were out all night, Xuan-xiong, but it has yet to come back. It has never left me alone for so long. You got your power from somewhere that day. Maybe they can help you again?'

Shi Qingxuan sometimes failed at seeing what was right in front of him, but he knew now that it hadn't been Hua Cheng that had given him his fan and his spiritual powers. A sad, tired smile formed on his face. 'I'm afraid he won't. He hates me, Xiao-Wang. The one who helped me. He did it because he's in debt. He's not coming to help. At least not me. I am no use to you at all.'

She looked a little dejected at that but overcame it quickly. 'It doesn't matter. You're here because I brought you home to get better, not to be useful. Originally, maybe, but not after you got hurt.' She stood and collected the empty dishes. 'You're a good man, Xuan-xiong. I still think you're a bit crazy, but good. All good. I believe you don't like yourself as much as you should. And you deserve more than what you were dealt.'

He couldn't answer that. He thought of He Xuan and his family and of Shi Wudu and his actions and shook his head. She was wrong. He didn't deserve anything at all.

Ϡ

Over the next day and night, Shi Qingxuan got progressively better. He finally met the physician who implored on him to stay for long enough to safely remove the casts, but somehow it felt wrong. His plan was to leave at night so no-one would see him go. As he had suspected, the robe he had chosen was his now, and Wang Ai had insisted on him taking a spare one. He finally conceded, planning to give it to the other people in the temple. Their conversation had left him thinking about everything that had happened in Black Water's lair, and he half wished he could speak to him one more time. Not that he knew what he'd tell him, but just a chance would be nice.

They ate together again that evening, and he couldn't help feeling that his host was looking depressed. 'Xiao-Wang, did something happen?' he asked eventually. Maybe she just needed someone to listen.

'Not yet. But I have a feeling you're going to run away.'

Shi Qingxuan blinked, then he laughed. 'Ah. Yes. How did you know?'

'You're very quiet, and you look unhappy. You don't have to go, you know.' She leaned across the table and covered his hand with her own. 'Will you do one thing for me?'

His mind raced. This was the first time she touched him, and he worried that her request was something he couldn't fulfil. His heart was filled to the brim with the one soul he couldn't be close to, had been for so long, and it left no room for someone that wanted more than a tumble. He'd never told anyone, had kept it buried deep, always thinking the moment would come. Now it was too late, but something in him still couldn't let go. If she just wanted his body, she could have it, but if she fell for him, she'd get seriously hurt, and he wasn't going to let that happen. 'I … that depends?' he said cautiously.

'It's just … one question that has been bothering me. You don't need to answer.'

'Okay, then. Ask your question.'

'How did you get banged up like that?'

Shi Qingxuan looked at the cast on his arm and sighed. He hadn't told Xie Lian because he would have fretted horribly, but somehow he felt that Wang Ai would not. 'The leg was because I'm an idiot and underestimated the height I could fall from.' He'd been a god for too long, after all. It sounded stupid in a human, but in his situation, he thought it was understandable. That he hadn't been a martial god made it worse, since he'd never been as attuned to his own body as someone like the infamous Scrap Immortal. 'The arm was because I got into a fight and lost. Badly.' Telling people you were a god didn't go down well when you couldn't back those words up. 'I feel like I deserve both injuries. Neither was necessary, I was just stupid. So I never asked for help.'

'Your suffering isn't necessary, either. Please reconsider, Xuan-xiong. I'm not trying to keep you here as a permanent charity case. I just want you to be better when you leave than you were when you came. It's like I said. The reason why I'm alive, why this place is still standing, is you. Let me pay you back, at least a little.'

Shi Qingxuan could sense the sincerity in her and sighed. 'All right. But when your physician removes the casts, I will leave. I don't belong in your world.'

Her eyes closed briefly in tangible relief. 'Thank you, Xuan-xiong. I'm very glad.' When Wang Ai smiled at him, it looked almost out of place, and it struck him that this was the first time he'd seen her do it. He still had a feeling that he didn't have the full reason why she wanted him there, but that look – it was, at least, honest.

He couldn't help it. He smiled back at her. 'Those people who you believe can't forgive you? Seek them out. Give them a chance to make that decision rather than making it for them.' He looked at his almost empty plate and thought of how Ming Yi would have eyed his food at his slow eating pace, how Shi Qingxuan would have slapped his hand away if he tried to steal some. He'd have laughed and draped himself over it protectively, insisting he wasn't getting any while making sure he left something for his friend. 'I've changed my mind, you see,' he said, his entire being aching for what he'd never had and what he'd lost. 'If you want to forgive someone, there is nothing that can't be overcome. Nothing at all. Even if it's not the same again, that doesn't have to mean it's worse.'

'How can it be better?' Wang Ai's voice was bitter and resigned, her eyes looking into the distance.

'It can be cleaner, like the air after heavy rain,' he said. A sad smile played on Shi Qingxuan's lips. 'Wind and ocean washing away the grief and heartache and guilt.' He saw her eyes on him, her mouth slightly open. 'Ha ha ha ha, don't mind me. That sounded really stupid, didn't it?'

'It … sounded beautiful. Unreal, but beautiful. You gave me something to think about, Xuan-xiong.'

((Wang Ai would be written 王愛. Wang is a common last name. This character means king. The character I picked for Ai means love. This is, by the way, the traditional version, simplified is 爱. Take all of this with a grain of salt. I don't speak Mandarin. At all.

The song she sings is Колискова(meaning 'lullaby') by Mysterya. Except that song is, of course, in Ukrainian – which I do speak. Now I wanted a translation that can be sung to the melody, stay somewhere in shouting range of the original lyrics, but also be a bit more useful to my text here. Every time I try to do something like this, I promise myself solemnly that it's the last time. It never is. I have a low-effort recording (read: I recorded through audacity with the decent hardware I already own and did a tiny amount of editing for sound quality) of me because I wanted to know if I was happy with my text. If you like, there it is: on dot soundcloud dot com slash 2YsfQttgqs4CT3s7A

A more accurate (still free) translation is: The moon is already rising outside the window, making people sleepy. All the stars are bright, and like one of them, my soul alone doesn't sleep. At night I will be near the candle, singing on your shoulder like an angel. Maybe I will dream about you, too. I flew into vast, unending distances and brought you magic flowers. I saw your eyes then; maybe the day will come, and I will find you. At night I will be near the candle, singing on your shoulder like an angel. Maybe I will dream about you, too.

My version up there is a bit wild, but there is a reason why it is the way it is. Original text below.

Вже сходить місяць за вікном

І навіває людям сон,

Всі зорі ясні, як одна,

Не спить лише душа моя.

Буду вночі коло свічі,

як янгол співати на твому плечі,

Може і я наснилась тобі,

Увісні.

Я літала там, де безмежна даль,

Я несла тобі квіти чарівні,

Бачила тоді очі я твої,

Може день прийде, я знайду тебе.

Буду вночі коло свічі,

як янгол спiвати на твому плечі,

Може і я наснилась тобі,

Увісні.))