The Miracle Job
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"Hey, Sophie's here, man." Danielle looked up at Eliot who was rushing into their small kitchen. "What do I tell her?"
"Anything but the truth." Hardison suggested as he handed a cup to Danielle. On these words, Sophie walked in.
"Hey!" Sophie greeted them. Parker appeared behind her.
"Hi, Sophie!" Danielle smiled at her friend.
"Thank you so much for coming to my play last night." Sophie smiled at all of them.
"Last night was awesome." Parker told her with a big grin on her face. Sophie gasped and turned around to face her.
"Aww! Thanks Parker." She said happy that her performance was well-received by her friends.
"It was like a horror movie." Parker continued. Danielle shook her head at Parker quickly. "Attention must be paid." She said taking a big voice.
Sophie turned to them. Danielle sprang forward and handed her a white rose to Sophie. "This is a small gift for your performance last night. You did amazing."
"Aww! Thank you so much, Dani." Sophie smiled as the boys struggled to find something to say.
"Yeah, I mean, you're not the first person I would think of to play Willy Loman, but you—worked it out," Hardison told her.
"Yeah." Eliot said.
"Oh!" Sophie exclaimed, leaving excitedly. Hugging the white rose. Parker made a face as Sophie walked past her.
Danielle rushed quickly after Parker as both of them followed Sophie to the briefing room. Sophie's performance had given her nightmares the night before. She was always amazed on how good Sophie was as a grifter but made such a terrible performer on stage. And yet Danielle admired her. She must recognize that Sophie wasn't afraid to put herself out there and to perform in front of crowd. And she respected Sophie for this.
"How great were you?" Nate was saying as Parker and Dani walked into the briefing room. "I mean they ought to call it, uh, Death of a Saleswoman. What a great commentary of the glass ceiling for women in corporate America."
"Nate—I played the part as a man." Sophie informed him.
"Yes." Nate smiled awkwardly. "And brilliantly." Sophie pleased with his compliment sat down. "Yeah, I mean you were—uh?" Dani nodded vigorously with a smile on her face as Nate turned to them for support. His phone rang in his pocket. "Hold on, I have to—" He pulled out his phone and answered the call. "Hi, Maggie?" And walked out of the room. "Is everything okay?—When?"
"Who's Maggie?" Parker asked.
"Nate's ex-wife."
Danielle had heard of Maggie in the short time she had worked at IYS. She had never met the woman though. Nate and Maggie had divorced after the death of their son; Sam. That was all she knew about Maggie. After the call, Nate had left for the hospital where a certain friend of his was. While waiting on Nate, Danielle was reading the Lincoln Heights Bulletin. If it was true that most of her customers came to her, it was also fair to say that sometimes she went to them. Danielle hated injustice more than anything. And she would right the wrongs of others as much as she could. Of course, she couldn't help everyone but her ultimate goal in life was to leave the world a better place than she had found it. She was trying her hardest to do just that.
"That's St Nicholas?" Parker asked while they were waiting for Nate.
"Yeah." Hardison answered.
"Santa Claus has a church?"
"He's not Santa Claus." Eliot told her.
"I know this is not our usual kind of case." Nate said as soon as he appeared in the church. "I reali—but before you say anything, Paul is an old friend of mine. And he has helped the parishes more than—"
"—Nate." Sophie tried to stop him.
"—you could ever—"
"Nate! Nate! We're taking the case." Sophie assured him.
That stopped him. "Oh!"
"Yeah," Danielle nodded at him.
"Great—good!" He let out a breath. "Oh. Alright. Well, uh, this is obviously a strong-arm maneuver that's happened here—get rid of the activist priest and the sale closes on Monday. Do we know anything about who bought the church?"
"The sign outside said it was sold to Cannity Corp." Hardison held up the signs. "Now, Cannity Corp is a wholly-owned subsidiary of STB International. Which is the parent company of Akai Diversified, which is a US subsidiary of Cannity Corp."
"That is a lot of trouble to go to for buying an old church." Sophie remarked.
"Yeah so, Cannity Corp—that's obviously the front. Parker, Dani check all the addresses for the realty companies." Parker and Dani got up and walked out of the church.
Parker and Dani's tour of the realty companies had gone pretty quickly. Nate was right about Cannity Corp. It was the front companies and the others seemed like shell companies which they were. But all of this just to buy a church? That was a little overboard. But why go to all this trouble to buy a small church?
"When I ran a backtrace on the gangbanger's call, it routed through this dude's number from a payphone." Hardison explained. He and Eliot had found the one that had gone after Father Paul. After admitting to what he did, he gave them a number.
"So, we got nothing." Eliot said.
"No, hold on, hold on." Hardison said quickly. "Now the payphone was located here. The residences at eighth. Luxury condos brought to you by Andrew Grant." He pulled up picture of Andrew Grant on screen.
"Yeah, I know this guy." Sophie recognized him. "He built the Meadow Mall on the west side—you know the one with the monorail."
"Now, this guy doesn't happen to won any of the shell companies that bought the church, does he?" Nate asked him.
"Well, I can't prove that but let's just put it this way—those shell companies have their daddy's lyin' eyes."
"All right, what do we know about this Grant guy?" Eliot asked.
"Well, the man's a media whore." Hardison answered. "He went through like nine publicists last year alone. He's, uh, cutting the ribbon on this place tomorrow." Pictures of the building being constructed was pulled up onscreen.
"Grant also survived a helicopter crash last year." Danielle took over. "I checked out his pharmacy account. The man pops anti-anxiety pills as though it was gummy bears."
Nate stood up and went to the screens. "Well—publicists are like priests. You got to tell them all your secrets. So, that's our way in. Question is; how?"
"What are you thinking?" Sophie asked him.
"This guy beat up a priest—we are not going easy on him."
Dressed as a construction worker, much like the rest of the team, Danielle was following the plan set up by Nate. This was the under-construction building that Grant was to inaugurate. Sophie was their way in, posing as a journalist. And if everything went according to plan, she'll soon be Grant's publicist.
"Willy Wonka's here." Sophie reported.
"Good. His ride's almost here." Eliot said, passing by Danielle. Moving a wheelbarrow to Hardison's position.
Parker got up with plank of woods and conveniently bumped into Grant, almost knocking him out. "Oh my god! Are you okay?" Parker apologized.
"Yeah, yeah." Grant answered quickly. "Watch where you're going."
"So sorry. I didn't mean to do that."
"That's okay. It's all right." Grant said. "Just be more careful next time, baby, okay."
As soon as Grant walked past Hardison, Eliot came in with his wheelbarrow and again conveniently hit Grant's assistant. "God, I'm so sorry." Eliot apologized. "I'm sorry, man."
"What the hell are you doing?" The assistant yelled at him.
"I had a little tequila last night, I'm sorry about that."
"Why don't you focus, Cuervo? All right?"
"I feel really bad about that."
"You know what? Feel bad, alright?"
The assistant had been held back. Grant was in the elevator, alone with Sophie. Everything was going well so far. Danielle moved next to Hardison. The final stage of phase one was taking place. Hardison stopped the elevator between two floors.
"I don't believe it!" Grant groaned.
"Oof!" That was Sophie. "They're fixing up this lift, right? There are probably a few bugs to work out."
"Unacceptable. I'm calling the contractor." There was a pause. "Oh, seriously? No signal." Hardison got the elevator working again, briefly and then, stopped it again. "Okay, that's weird."
All they had to do now was to wait. They had to let him stew in his own juice for a few minutes. His anxiety was slowly getting to him.
"What is that you just took?" Sophie asked Grant.
"Xanax." Grant said breathless. "For my nerves."
"Wrong! Caffeine with a dash of dextroamphetamine." Dani smiled proudly. "A little creation of my own making."
"You gave him speed?" Eliot asked her.
"He beat up a priest." Hardison reminded him.
"And Nate did say to not go easy on him—so—yeah!" Dani shrugged.
Almost half an hour later, they heard Grant screaming for help. He was definitely losing it. They got him right where they needed him.
"Send us home." Sophie gave them the signal.
The plan had worked quite well. Sophie went from reporter to publicist. Andrew Grant had taken the bait. He now trusted Sophie. Enough to tell her of his plans.
"He's building another mall on the site of the church." Parker stated looking at the blueprints Sophie had brought back.
"It's not even a mall." Sophie replied. "It's a bloody lifestyle center. Eat, work, shop, play all in one place."
"I don't like this guy. I hate him." Eliot said.
"He doesn't want the closing of the church connecting to him." Hardison told him. "But he's got the city council in his pocket and got the land for a song. Once this deal closes, he's free and clear. By the time they break ground on this mall, he'll be untouchable—"
"Forget St. Nick." Sophie groaned. "We'd be better off with the patron saint of lost causes."
"No, no. He trusts you." Nate protested. "You can hook him."
"Yeah, I know I can, Nate." Sophie agreed. "But there's no time, we need a long con for this job, right? In three days, he owns that church."
"Right, so we gotta hit him hard now and indirectly, you know, stall the closing," Nate nodded. "And buy enough time to bring him for a longer game."
"How?" Dani asked him. "He's not going to fall for this. I mean, come on, he beat up a priest in order to buy a church. He's gonna stop at nothing."
"I gotta be honest with you," Eliot said. "We're gonna need a miracle to save this church."
"So, let's go steal ourselves a miracle." Nate smirked.
"So, the Catholic church defines a miracle as the work of God, usually through the prayers and intercession of a saint, for some specific purpose, frequently the conversion of the unbelieving." Nate explained as Parker, Eliot and Dani followed him through the office.
"How do you know all this stuff?" Eliot asked him.
"I went to school with Father Paul. To uh—seminary school." Nate answered, sitting behind his desk.
"So, you dropped out of priest school to become an insurance cop." Eliot said. "Now, you're the lead of a band of thieves. Nice"
"You're a catholic who wants to fake a miracle." Hardison said. "I'm pretty sure that puts us in mortal sin territory."
"I mean it's definitely blasphemy." Danielle shrugged. "But we're faking a miracle to save a church. So—"
"So, wait, now you're religious?" Eliot looked between Dani and Hardison.
"Yeah, I am." Danielle answered.
"No, no, I'm not denominational." Hardison shook his head. "It's just, I never do anything my nana said don't do. This, what we doin' it—it just don't seem right."
"What doesn't seem right? Let met get this straight." Nate retorted. "We're trying to save a church, right? Faking a miracle, to me, seems like the quickest way to do that."
"Even, Andrew Grant won't build a mall on a holy site." Sophie agreed.
"Right. So, we need three things." Nate said. "We need a miracle. We need publicity. And we need to keep Father Paul out of the way. He can't be involved in this at all."
"Reporters followed Grant around in packs." Sophie said. "Let's use him as bait."
"Use his own publicity to wreck his project." Parker smirked.
"It's elegant." Nate said and Parker smiled proudly. "Okay, Parker, I need you to go to the hospital and keep Father Paul there no matter what. Up to a point—but keep him in the hospital." Nate turned to Eliot. "Eliot, you're the retrieval specialist give Hardison and Dani everything they need."
"As long as I don't have to do anything immoral." Hardison said.
"Ah, absolutely not. No. I just need you to figure out, you know, how to fake a miracle."
"We all going to hell." Hardison said.
"Wait, I'm on miracle duty?" Dani asked as she followed Nate out of his office.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, I thought that it was more logical for me to hold Father Paul back at the hospital rather than—you know—fake a miracle."
"Scared of the wrath of God?" Nate stopped and turned to her.
"Oh, no, God and I have a good relationship." Dani replied. "Faking a miracle won't be a problem between us."
"You did it before, didn't you?"
Dani nodded. "But it was for completely different reasons."
"Then it's settled. You and Hardison can work something out together."
"We don't need to build all those fake statues." Dani said as she worked with Hardison.
"Well, Nate wants bleeding tears." Hardison replied. "So, we kinda need to test it out."
"I still think tears of blood is a bit much." Dani set up the third statue.
"Oh, yeah, you know all about faking miracles." Hardison nodded.
Dressed all in white, a veil over her face, Dani walked behind the other followers. All dressed in the same attire. The leader stood on the stage, looking over the young women that were now facing him. Danielle stood among them, a small remote in her hand. She was thankful for the veil she wore. Because no one could see her smile.
The leader was in the middle of speech, his congregation listening to his every word avidly. The lights in the small church suddenly shut down. At the entrance of the small church, beaming light suddenly came on. When the congregation turned to look, they could make out the shape of a woman that was dressed as the virgin Mary. The White dress, the blue shawl draped over her shoulders. Her face was hidden, the lights blinding the rest of the people in the church. And she spoke.
"You're crazier than I thought."
"It's part of my charm." Dani grinned. "Come on, let's see how it's coming together."
"Behold! I have made the statues multiply." Hardison said. Both and Daniel were dressed in yellow rain suit.
"Well, I gotta say that looks pretty good, Hardison." Nate looked impressed. "I mean—yeah. It's, uh—Polystyrene?" Nate pushed the fake statue. So, did Eliot.
"Amongst other things. Don't eat it. Or breath near it." Hardison explained.
Eliot and Nate both took a step back. "Wise decision." Dani snorted.
"Alright, show us what you got." Nate crossed his arms over his chest.
"Before we start, I would love to point out that this is all Hardison's ideas." Dani said.
"Really? You're gonna do me like that." Hardison glared at Dani.
"What? It's the truth." Dani shrugged.
Hardison just shook his head. "Test subject number one." He used his remote and the statue started bleeding from the ears.
"Yeah, no, yeah, I said bleeding tears, not—not bleeding ears." Nate said, unamused.
"Look, look, look, man. You're lucky on this deadline I didn't give you a baking soda volcano." Hardison defended himself.
"Yeah, but this is—this—what else do you got?"
"This is ridiculous." Eliot commented.
Hardison grabbed the paintball gun and looked excited. "Stigmata paintball gun."
"No, no, no." Nate protested.
"Yeah." Eliot sounded as excited as Hardison. "How—how does that work?"
"I've been practicing. Check me out." Hardison shot the statue but missed it completely. Hitting the glass instead. Parker, on the other side, glared at them.
"Okay, Hardison, could you make the statue cry without melting St. Nick's head?" Nate said frustrated.
"Don't melt Santa." Parker said with a warning tone.
"It's not Santa!" Hardison, Eliot and Dani yelled back at her.
While Hardison and Eliot starting bickering about the missed shot. Dani moved closer to Nate. "Tell me you have a better idea?" Nate looked down at her.
"I do." Dani assured him. "But it won't be blood."
Grant was at the church, holding a press conference, when the miracle was announced. St. Nick was weeping. He was weeping pure olive oil mixed with balsam.
"Not too bad." Parker commented as the team walked around the corner.
"Thanks." Dani smiled. "It's just basic chemistry, really. An oil polymer that reacts with a secondary chemical in the candles. Plus, there won't be any evidence to be found. Unless you light a candle."
"Local news will pick up the event. Grant will crawl back into his hole for a while. And, well at least for the time being, it will stay open to the public." Nate said, as they reached the entrance of the church. "Whoa—"
The church was crowded. It seemed that the word about the miracle had spread like wildfire. And now, the entire neighborhood had come to see it with their own eyes.
"Whoa—that's a lot of public." Parker noted.
"I'm—uh—very good." Danielle said not so sure about this plan anymore.
"Yeah, a little too good." Eliot agreed with her.
Sophie walked up to them, making sure that Grant did not see her. "What did we just do?"
"The weeping statue of St. Nick is on youtube." Hardison was looking at his phone. The team followed him out of the church.
"Good." Eliot replied. "This church will never shut down."
"There's just so many people here." Sophie said. "I mean, what if they find out it's a—fake?" She whispered the last part.
"Hellfire, Damnation, et cetera." Hardison stopped and turned to them. "You know what? I'm gonna step over here, so when the good Lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning."
"Wasn't Zeus the one with the lightning?" Parker frowned at him.
"Guys, guys, this is still a big win." Nate turned to Sophie. "Sophie, find out where Grant is and make sure he's—"
"What did you do?" Father Paul asked Nate as he pulled him away.
"This is getting out of hand." Danielle said worriedly, biting down her nails.
"Didn't you fake a miracle before?" Eliot looked at her.
"Yes, and it was the final act of an elaborated con. My best work to date, really." Danielle replied. "But this—this is different."
"Bibletopia?" Hardison repeated.
This miracle had not discouraged Grant. On the contrary, it only fueled his creativity.
"The man cannot be stopped." Sophie said.
"It's like everything we throw at him, just makes him stronger." Parker remarked.
"I kind of admire him, though." Eliot said. "I mean, my nephew would like Bibletopia."
"No, no, see? This—this is what happened when you mess with God." Hardison protested. "He raises your enemy with his right hand and smites you with his left."
"No, no, no, we can use this." Nate started. "Just give me a second to—I just need—" A black van SUV parked near them.
"Oh, crap!" Danielle exclaimed as she saw the three men climbed out of the vehicle and walked into the church.
"Apostolic Visitation."
"Come again?" Hardison asked.
"It's the Vatican."
"Apostolic Visitors are representative of the Pope." Danielle explained. "They're here to investigate and determine whether the miracle is real or a hoax."
"So, they might close down the church and blame Father Paul for it." Parker turned to her.
She nodded. "Most likely, yes."
The three visitors left the church at last. The team had been cramped in the confessional and burst out of the small closet as soon as the visitors were out of earshot.
"As soon as that van full of Vatican CSI equipment gets here, we're screwed." Hardison said.
"That's what I was trying to say, but you guys wouldn't let me talk while we were all in the closet." Parker whispered the last part of her sentence.
"If we leave it here, they're gonna find out the statue isn't really crying and blame Father Paul for fraud." Sophie continued.
"Sophie, if we steal the statue, he's gonna get blamed for covering up a fraud." Eliot told her.
"So, now, we not only have to save the church. We also have to cover up a hoax and save Father Paul from being accused of fraud." Danielle crossed her arms over her chest.
Nate started laughing. "This ain't funny." Hardison told him. "As soon as they run a scanner or pH stick over that statue, they're going to see those aren't real tears."
"You're right. It's only a matter of time. You know, Father Paul—he can't help but tell the truth. He's gonna flip on us." Nate said almost excitedly.
"I hope this is the part where you suggest prayer." Hardison squinted at him.
"No, the Weeping Statue of St. Nicholas is not gonna be stolen. It's gonna miraculously disappear in the middle of tomorrow's mass."
"I'm sorry?" Sophie turned to him.
"In front of, uh, the priest, the Vatican, the entire congregation." Nate continued.
"Have you learned nothing, Nate?" Sophie asked him baffled.
Nate chuckled. "How much do the statue weight?"
"About 900 pounds." Hardison answered.
"Good."
"What?" Dani exclaimed as she watched Nate walk away from them.
"I am so sorry, Nana."
Eliot and Hardison went to help Parker prep for their final act. Nate and Sophie were in the church, watching mass. Danielle had driven the black van, in which, the real St. Nick was hidden. She left the key in the ignition. And all that was left to do was to wait.
"There is no miracle." Father Paul came walking out of the church. "Somebody stole the statue." Father Paul opened the doors and there laid St. Nick. "And I know who it is."
"Andrew Grant." Hardison read the renting note.
"Hey! That's the guy that bought the church." Eliot added fuel to the fire.
"That's not my van." Grant protested.
"What kind of monster fakes a miracle for a profit? You sicken me." Hardison said.
"THIEF!" Someone shouted in the crowd.
"That priest is desperate." Grant defended himself. "He hid the statue in the van and forged the registration paper to frame me."
"We don't believe ya!" Elliot yelled again.
"Look, look, look. Right here, see? My assistant—he was with me the whole time." Grant pulled his assistant forward. The poor Tomas had his head down, was it shame? "Okay? Now, look. We bought this property—we're gonna fix up the neighborhood. Right?"
"No." Tomas said.
"No?" Grant repeated.
"No!" Tomas said again. "He got the land under this church the same way he got the rest of the neighborhood, the same way he get all of his properties—by bribery, intimidation, and violence." Tomas confessed it all. "Andrew Grant—sent a bunch of thugs to beat up Father Paul!"
The police arrived on the scene. "Cops got here fast." Parker remarked.
"It's almost as if an investigative journalist called in a tip off." Sophie said. Dani snorted.
"Christy, save me." Grant called to Sophie. "You can spin this, right? Instead of, uh, felony, maybe soften it to, um, controversy or something"
"You know, when you say controversy, I always hear attention."
The cops took Grant to their car, handcuffed. The journalist snapping photos and recording it on cameras. This was the end for Andrew Grant.
"Look at that, we saved a church." Hardison said as they all faced St. Nick statue.
"It's like Christmas." Parker said. "See, I told St. Nicholas is Santa Claus."
Eliot facepalmed and Danielle playfully elbowed him. "He's not, Parker." Sophie told her.
"Well, who is he, then?" Parker asked.
"St. Nicholas—" Sophie and Nate exchanged a look. "—is the patron saint of thieves."
As her friends left the church, one by one, Danielle smiled up at the statue. "True miracles do exist after all."