DIMITRI

I had always considered myself lucky when it came to guardian partner assignments. While Guardian Willis and I hadn't been incredibly close prior to his and Ivan's death, we had gotten along. Then, of course, was Rose. With how in sync we were, both mentally and in battle, I knew our partnership would have been amazing—save for the fact that I was utterly in love with her, which would have compromised us both. As far as Eddie was concerned, I would say that he was a true friend, and serving alongside him was a pleasure. So when I brought Nadia on board, I didn't think twice. It never occurred to me that my luck might run out, but it did. And I didn't realize until it was too late.

Rose warned me.

I should have seen it.

I should have stopped it.

Maybe if I had…

Maybe I could have saved us.

After realizing that I had become complacent when it came to my relationship with Rose, I put more effort into being available to her as much as I possibly could. If that meant stepping away for a moment to answer a call–even if it was just to tell her that I wasn't able to talk right at that moment but would call her back as soon as I could–then I did. I'd take those extra few seconds each day to tell her 'good morning' and wish her 'goodnight,' even if that meant setting an alarm on my phone so I didn't forget. Even though I couldn't be there with her, I did what I could to be there for her. Like sharing pictures of things that might make her smile, or asking her about her day and listening without letting myself get distracted. I'd even suggested we try a weekly date night, and she showed me how some websites allowed us to watch movies together. While neither of us acknowledged it out loud, I could feel things were getting better for us.

Still, despite all our efforts, it seemed like a sudden change in schedule was our kryptonite.

Lissa's itinerary had been packed since our arrival in Paris, which meant mine had been, too. I hardly had time to eat between shifts, much less anything else. Even Christmas day had been hectic. I had managed a short conversation with Rose and my family between Lissa's holiday brunch with the leaders of the twelve royal families and the seventeen-course dinner with some of the most decorated dignitaries, business moguls, and influential Moroi the dominion had to offer. I was desperately looking forward to returning to Court. And now that the New Year's ball was officially behind us, I was simply counting the hours until I could finally relax and talk to Rose properly.

While I had spent my New Year's Eve acting as Lissa's shadow while she mingled among those too important to even notice me, Rose's had been spent in a way that was much more fitting for a girl her age. She had celebrated with friends, dancing well into the early morning hours and leaving me more than one entertaining, half-coherent voicemail that she may or may not remember when she eventually woke up. Rose would probably apologize for drunkenly calling to tell me that she missed me and a particular anatomical feature I possessed, but I had already saved the voicemail for those lonely nights when I needed to hear her husky voice describing precisely what she planned to do to me the next time she saw me.

That's what was on my mind on New Year's Day while I checked my phone between biceps curls and combos at the heavy bag. My muscles burned, finally satisfied after three days of neglect. It wasn't just phone calls that had suffered from a busy schedule, but my workouts, too. Eddie, Nadia, and I had tried to find some time here and there to slip away to the gym, but opportunities had been rare. Either the place was packed with other guardians, or there had simply been no time. Since everyone, Moroi and guardians alike, were resting after a late evening, I felt comfortable enough to allow the three of us some staggered gym time.

"No word from her?" Nadia asked from the doorway leading to the locker rooms, a hint of amusement in her question. Eddie had left a few minutes ago to relieve Nadia of duty, so I wasn't surprised to see her now. It also didn't take a genius to figure out why I was obsessively checking my phone. While I honestly didn't expect to hear from Rose for another few hours while she slept off the festivities of the night before, a man could still hope.

When I confirmed that Rose still hadn't texted, Nadia shook her head before admitting, "I don't know if I could do the whole' long-distance relationship' thing. I know it isn't easy for you."

"I'm not going to lie. It's hard. Really hard sometimes." I scoffed and took a sip from my water bottle. I wished it was easy—or something that even remotely resembled 'easy'—but that wasn't the case. Still, "Rose is worth it."

While everyone in our little family was supportive of my relationship with Rose, I tried not to burden them with the quiet struggles that often came with it. I think they were all aware, of course, but none of them really knew the extent of it. Nadia probably knew more than the others, though, since she had become my confidant when I needed to talk to someone. I wasn't purposefully keeping things from the others, of course. It was simply easier to talk to her about Rose since they didn't have a history together. It didn't feel right to vent to Rose's best friend when things got complicated. And Eddie was practically her brother, which wasn't any better. But Nadia was happy to be a listening ear, which I appreciated.

I did the same for her, too. While she wasn't in a romantic relationship with anyone, she had her own personal issues. Shortly after she joined our team, I noticed that she was having some difficulty adjusting. After sitting down with her, she confided that she missed the old family she worked for. She had worked for them for nearly five years and had bonded with them, especially three little girls. So, when the father accepted a new job in Japan, Nadia assumed she would transfer with them. They cut her loose instead. Apparently, the parents thought getting a Japanese-speaking guardian who could also serve as an interpreter and language tutor would be better. Nadia felt discarded, used by the people she believed cared about her like she cared about them.

Besides, Nadia and I had several things in common that the others didn't. Not only had we both graduated from St. Basils, but we had also grown up in "communes" and knew how hard it was to hear the constant insults from people who judged our childhood homes. We were able to share stories that the others simply wouldn't understand. It also didn't hurt that she was a bit closer to my age. As much as I cared about the others, having someone to talk to who wasn't over half a decade younger than me was nice.

Perhaps that's why I didn't see things coming. We had become friends, or so I thought. She was someone I believed I could trust.

So, I didn't think twice when she gave a slight hum and asked, "Don't you miss, you know, certain things?" While her question was vague, the meaning was clear.

"Sometimes," I answered. It was true. The distance between us had really highlighted that physical intimacy wasn't all-encompassing in our relationship. However, it was still difficult on those lonely nights when all I wanted was to fall asleep with Rose in my arms. The fact that it had been nearly a year since I'd even held her hand made things all the more frustrating.

I don't know if I had been too lost in my thoughts of Rose, or perhaps I had been too distracted while searching my bag for my hand wraps, but when I turned around, I was surprised to see Nadia right there. She was close. Too close. Practically crowding me against the wall.

"Maybe I could…" Nadia's hand came to rest on my biceps, and I stared at it in some strange blend of shock and confusion. A part of me knew what she was implying, but the other part of me couldn't process it. Nadia was my partner. My friend. Surely she wasn't saying what I thought she was saying.

My denial fell to pieces when she looked up at me from underneath her lashes. "She doesn't have to know."

I could only blame my hesitation on total bewilderment. And when I felt her lips press against mine…I just froze. My hands came up, ready to push her away, but then I felt her tongue slip across the seam of my lips. Things became blurry after that. I wasn't sure how much time had passed, most likely only seconds, but that was long enough for reality to come crashing down around me.

My heart went from racing a mile a minute to stopping dead cold in an instant. I pushed Nadia away in sudden horror with only one person circling in my mind:

Rose.

"Oh my god." The words started as a whisper but steadily grew louder and louder as I repeated them over and over. "Oh my god. What have I done?"

I saw someone from the corner of my eye. "Dimitri–"

"Stop!" I shouted, throwing my arm out and making Nadia flinch before stepping back again. "Get…get away from me. Just stay away."

Grabbing my bag and abandoning anything that wasn't already in it, I practically ran from the gym. I needed to get out of there. I needed to get away from her. Nausea twisted violently in my stomach as I pressed the call button for the elevator before deciding to take the stairs instead. As I took the stairs two at a time, I wiped at my mouth with the back of my hand, somehow wishing I could wipe away the betrayal. Nothing worked. The ghost of that kiss burned like the fire, damning me to hell for not seeing what Rose had warned me of.

Rose.

My phone rang, startling me so much that I actually dropped my bag. It rolled down a few steps, stopping on the landing between floors as I pulled my phone from my pocket. I nearly dropped that as well when I saw Rose's name and picture on the screen. Her smile was so innocent, so completely oblivious to my moment of unfaithfulness, that I couldn't breathe.

I had to tell her.

I had to answer.

I sent her to voicemail.

The next few days were filled with anxiety. Regret. Self-loathing. I told no one.

When we returned to Court, I considered having Nadia transferred. I was technically the team lead and could submit the request, but doing so required a reason for the transfer. Outside of that one incident in the gym, I couldn't find any reason to justify transferring her. She was hardworking and dedicated. Everyone liked her, especially Lissa.

If I tried to transfer her, I'd have to admit why.

Plus, I worried that the kiss was somehow my fault. Maybe I had led Nadia on? I wracked my brain for days, trying to figure out how I must have given her the wrong impression. Worse…I could see them. All those little moments that meant nothing to me but could easily be misconstrued by her or anyone else.

Things like going out for sushi in New York.

Unable to transfer her and without any other viable recourse, Nadia and I continued to work alongside one another. Neither of us brought up the incident, which was fine with me. I wanted to leave it in that godforsaken gym and forget it ever happened. My only true reprieve was that Nadia seemed to agree. I caught her staring a few times, but she didn't push for us to spend time together outside of our assigned duties, and I refused to speak to her unless absolutely necessary. No more training together without someone else present. No more conversations that didn't directly involve Lissa's safety. If the others wanted to do something together in the evening, I'd either ignore Nadia or bow out altogether. I avoided her like the plague she was in my mind.

Talking to Rose became agony. I knew I had to tell her. I had allowed her call to go to voicemail that first evening, but I knew then that it was only a temporary delay of the inevitable. The next day had been spent traveling, with little time to do much more than obsess about how much this would hurt her. Then, when I finally did get the chance to call, I couldn't summon the courage to admit my mistake. And the next day, when I finally worked up the courage, she called me first, elated to share how she had aced the semester. It was the first time she had ever managed to get all A's in her entire academic career, and she was so excited. I couldn't bear to take away her joy.

So one day became two, and then one week became three. Every day I didn't tell her was one more day where it became harder to do so. The knowledge of what I had done and what I was now holding back from her was slowly eating away at my soul like a festering wound. I didn't want to infect her, but eventually, I couldn't avoid it anymore. I was losing sleep over what happened, and even though I hadn't spoken a word to anyone, Rose was beginning to notice that something was wrong.

"What's up, Comrade?" Rose asked one day, a small laugh accompanying her words even though her nickname felt like a punch in the gut to me. "I know you like to play up the whole 'strong, silent type' persona, but you usually have some sort of zen wisdom for me when we chat."

"Wisdom hasn't exactly been my strong suit recently."

Despite my morose tone, Rose seemed to find the comment amusing. "Oh? And what sort of trouble have you gotten yourself into?"

I tried to figure out how to say it. I'd obsessed over how to tell Rose nearly every waking moment, trying to find some configuration of words that wouldn't hurt her, but nothing worked. More likely than not, there simply wasn't a way to tell her that wouldn't break her heart. But I couldn't hide it from her anymore, so I decided to just rip the bandage off.

"Nadia and I kissed." Saying out loud made everything worse. It had been slowly destroying me, but telling her was like driving a stake into my heart.

"You…what?" Her playfulness from before was gone, replaced with shock and confusion. And pain.

"Nadia kissed me." Part of me wanted to stop my admission there, but I knew I had to tell her everything. Even if it killed me. "And I didn't stop her. Everything happened so fast, Rose. I'm so sorry. I swear, I didn't plan on it happening. I never wanted it to happen. It meant nothing. Nothing. I promise. And I've barely spoken to her since. It was a mistake. A stupid, stupid mistake. It'll never happen again. I'm so sorry."

Everything I said sounded like an excuse. No explanation would make it okay. I knew nothing I said could absolve me of my part. All I could do was admit my sin and beg for forgiveness.

When she spoke, her voice sounded so small that I barely heard it. "When? Yesterday?"

"No." I tried to breathe, but every breath felt like another stab in my chest. "Paris. It…it was in Paris."

"Paris?" Her voice stuttered on the word. "Dimitri...It's almost March."

"I know."

Silence fell between us, so loud that it shook my very core.

"Please, Rose. Say something." I waited for her to yell. Or cry. Or scream and bury me in curses. I had chosen to do this over the phone, thinking that it might be easier not to see her face as I admitted everything to her, but now it was agony not knowing what she was thinking. The desperation for her to say something—anything—was palpable. "Roza?"

"I can't do this. Goodbye, Dimitri."

The line went dead, the low, flat tone echoing like a dying heartbeat.

I pulled my phone from my ear and stared at it. Maybe the call dropped or something because that couldn't be it. Those words couldn't be the end of us.

I called her again. It rang once before going to voicemail. I called again. And again. I tried to text her, but she didn't reply. When I tried to FaceTime with her, it was ignored. Eventually, my calls went straight to voicemail, and I chucked my phone against the wall in frustration. The momentary relief from my pain triggered even more violence. A book, the lamp on the table, and even my desk chair all suffered the consequences of my actions.

When my rage died, blown out like a flame and only leaving lingering whisps of smoke behind, I fell against the wall and sank down to the ground with my head in my hands. I felt tears threatening to fall, but I held them back. I was the one to hurt her. What right did I have to mourn the relationship I had broken?

I startled when I heard the bedroom door creak from across the room. It was Lissa. When I met her eyes, she slowly opened the door wider and looked around at the mess I had made. I realized Eddie was behind her, watching me warily. He looked ready to pull Lissa away if I made any sudden movement, and I didn't entirely blame him for his caution. I felt like a powder keg; all I needed was a spark. As much as I hated any witnesses to my self-destruction, I was very grateful that Nadia wasn't with them. I wasn't sure I could have controlled my anger towards her and that one fleeting moment that destroyed the best thing I had ever known.

"What happened, Dimitri?" Lissa asked gently. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." It was such an unconvincing, bald-faced lie that I immediately amended myself: "I messed up, Lissa. I messed up horribly, and now Rose isn't answering my calls. I think…I think this is the end."

Lissa's eyes widened in shock while Eddie's narrowed in accusation and suspicion.

"What did you do?" He asked, his voice low like he was ready to beat me to a pulp if I answered wrong.

I couldn't bring myself to tell them. My tongue felt too thick. My throat too tight. Everything screamed in agony, and all I wanted was to give in to that pain. Unable to do so, I just hung my head and tried to breathe, even though I wasn't sure it was worth it anymore.

"Whatever happened, I'm sure it will be okay," Lissa whispered, obviously unconvinced but clinging to the hope that I had given up on the moment Rose disconnected the call. "I'll talk to her. It'll be okay, Dimitri. You'll see. It'll be okay."

I heard her shuffle off, and when I looked up, Lissa was gone. It was just Eddie now, staring at me with fire in his eyes. "I told you I'd kill you if you hurt her."

I nodded, remembering our conversation when he challenged me in the gym back at St. Vladimirs years ago. He promised to kill me if I hurt her. I promised that he could use my stake if I did.

I shifted slightly, pulling my weapon from its holster. I rolled it towards Eddie until it bounced against his foot and stopped. He stared at it a moment before reaching down. I closed my eyes, not just anticipating his strike but praying for it.

The seconds stretched in agony as I listened to his footsteps coming closer. And they stretched longer when I felt him linger in front of me. Then, a loud bang sounded near my left ear. A second one, this time the slamming of the door, followed immediately after. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw my stake jammed point first into the table beside me.

Rose didn't answer Lissa's calls. Or Eddie's. Or Adrian's. Even Christian tried. It seemed like Rose had turned her phone off, and the message was clear: I don't want to talk.

Part of me knew that I could probably reach her if I called the house phone, but I also knew I needed to respect her wishes tonight. It was the least I could do. I'd give Lissa the phone number in the morning if she still wasn't answering anyone, just to make sure she was okay—or as okay as anyone could expect, considering.

Since we were at Court that weekend, Nadia had wisely used the opportunity to make herself scarce that evening. While I was grateful that I wouldn't have to see her, her sudden disappearance left little question about what might have happened.

The Moroi berated me with well-deserved ire, and I took it all in silence. Once they were done, Eddie suggested we hit the gym. I came back an hour later with a black eye, broken nose, and a rib that was at least cracked, if not completely broken. Despite my protests, Lissa insisted on healing me, and that's when I eventually broke down and told her everything.

She listened patiently, and I was surprised when her earlier anger melted into compassion. When she finally asked if I had wanted to kiss Nadia, I vehemently told Lissa that I had never wanted any sort of physical or romantic relationship with Nadia. Never.

Lissa nodded and left, only to return a few minutes later with some printed paperwork.

Transfer paperwork. With Nadia's name printed at the top.

While I needed a stated reason for transferring Nadia, Lissa did not. She could fire any of us without question. While part of me wondered why she wasn't firing me, and another part of me felt guilty that Nadia was being fired, I couldn't pretend like I wasn't relieved as I signed my name on the transfer paperwork.

I was even more relieved when I found it on the kitchen table the following day with Nadia's signature, accepting the transfer without argument.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could finally breathe. That was, until my phone chimed and I saw the text from Rose.

Author's Note

So, yeah...that happened. I know some of you probably didn't like this chapter, and that's okay. Things are going to be hard for a while but remember: just because it is raining, that doesn't mean the sun isn't somewhere behind the dark clouds. The sun will shine again. We just have to brave the storm until it does. And who knows, maybe we'll get a rainbow too.