"I pronounce thee guilty!" A heavy gavel came crashing down, the explosive thunderclap it made upon hitting the ornate wooden podium was as final as a gunshot from a bolter. "May the God Emperor grant you your final mercy in his service!"
"Please! No! I'm innocent I swear!" The nobleman, who had once been my music instructor wailed. Tears streaking down his white powdered face, washing away what could possibly be thousands of Thrones worth of makeup. His curly white wig had also somehow frazzled during the course of the court session, it'd been pristine when he had been led up to the stand.
"I only wanted what was best for you and the planet! I-I won't survive a minute within the guard!"
True, the man's spindly hands were too delicate to hold a las rifle properly, he himself had only ever held violins his whole life. Seventy years of perfecting the art in fact. Alas, his fate had been sealed the moment he'd sided with my Uncle in the most recent coup. His hands then seemed to have no issue when they'd held the knife to my brother's throat.
"Bailiff, see this traitorous wretch out of my sight." I commanded to the man standing nearby with a long wooden pole. "I hear tell that there's penal legion transport passing by the system shortly, wouldn't want Mr. Cannabich to miss his ship."
Upon seeing that there was absolutely zero remorse gained by his little teary eyed display of theatrics my former music instructor's tone abruptly shifted. The face of the condemned nobleman twisted into that of a red faced snarl, teethed bared an all like some sort of French Poodle. His weird, pointy mustache bobbing up and down as his lips curled. "Throne damn you, you miserable little runt! Your father was a foolish old man, blinded by that cheap harlot you call a Mother! The only good thing he ever did for this planet was dying an ignoble death! Had your uncle taken the throne instead Vomia could have truly seen greatness the likes-"
"Bailiff, smack his nuts."
"With pleasure your Ladyship." A loud thud shortly followed by a pained mewling could be heard in the court room as the prisoner was all but dragged out. Honestly, compared to the countless grueling hours of Spartan violin lessons the former musician had put me through his scream was like music to my ears.
The rest of the court didn't seem to share my enthusiasm however, many a pudgy and pasty nobleman wiped their brows with elegantly embroidered handkerchiefs and protectively held their groins as the man holding the pole returned. Good, let them squirm, I need to set an example in case any of these overfed grox sniffers get any ideas about taking the throne for themselves.
"Alright, I will now see the next prisoner. Send them in."
And so it went, conspirator after conspirator came before me in the Governor's palace. Some cried, others were outraged, a few even laughed hysterically. I heard all of their stories, listening to their lawyers drone on and on as they tried to weasel their fifthly rich clients out from under my crosshairs. Honestly, some of these men could talk the paint off a Leman Russ, but fancy word play and semantics wouldn't save any of the defendants. Especially after I'd seen all of their faces cheering on my Uncle as he'd nearly taken the throne out from under me.
Really, what did they expect? 'Oh gee, sorry about nearly throwing you and your family from the tallest hive spire! But hey, let's let bygones be bygones! Te-he!' Fuck off.
Many of them should be thankful I'm not putting them up against the wall in a firing line, while only a select few I suspect will soon be wishing for such a quick death. Most would be enlisted into a penal legion or prison colony and sent far far away from Vomia Prime, away from the life of luxury and pomp they'd lived in their little villas and spires. Others... Well. The one's who'd orchestrated the plot and were more than willing to murder me and my new family. Well, let's just say I hear the mechanicus will be having some new toilet scrubbing servitors in service soon.
What can I say? I'm a generous soul, not a forgiving one.
Finally, after a long and drawn out affair, the last of the conspirators were finally dealt with. At the end of the court all of the witnesses were sent sent home (quite a few nobles lucky enough to have survived my wrath left the palace chambers with faces more ashy than the white powder they caked themselves in.)
Now it was just me, the guards, and my personal servitor who were left inside the empty hanger sized throne room. The podium and gavel were quietly taken away by some menial serfs, leaving only the lone high backed chair of Vomia's throne sitting upon it's raised dais.
I looked at the finely carved piece of furniture in question, admiring the masterful craftsmanship and exotic alien wood it must have been hewn from. To think this stupid little thing would cause me so much trouble... It was by no means no the Iron Throne, lacking any ominous number of swords planted into it, or even an absurd amount of gold or gems gilded to it like how most other Upper Hive furniture seemed to have. But still, it certinally seemed regal enough to be fit for a King of old Earth...
I frowned at that last part as I mentally corrected myself. ...Or I suppose its 'Queen' now isn't it? That part has yet to fully sink in... Unlike the golden laurel crown now resting upon my head, which despite it's seemingly light metal design was sinking ever deeper into my skull with a far more sanity taxing weight...
At that moment my body suddenly felt like it had been centuries since it'd last rested. Today's court session had drained me far more than I'd realized...
With the ancient wooden thone being the only chair left within the room, and mine supposed by birthright, I decided to exercise my new found privilege as Planetary Governor and sit upon the damned thing. It took several attempts, but eventually I managed to climb up to the chair's seat. (No help was given, no matter what some rumors among the guards that I had to have my servitor lift me up to the seat.) I will admit though, with my body's reduced stature it must have seemed as if a toddler was sitting upon a giant high backed chair.
I can practically hear the griping of the rebellious nobles now, wishing it was them and their corpulent hind quarters perched upon this throne and not some highborne princess runt. Honestly, for such a symbol of power that'd nearly started a civil war you'd expect it to be a bit more comfy. It was already a pain in my ass even before I'd even sat upon it, and I suspected it'd be a nuisance for many years to come.
With a wave of my hand I dismissed the remaining guards present, who while professional enough not to question my request did so with no small degree of hesitation. I had just survived a coup and assassination attempt on my first few days as Governor after all.
I nodded up to the colossal giant towering behind my throne. Butler, my family's personal servitor, was dressed as any other noble would be, with a neat fitting button up shirt and frock coat dyed of a deep azure. The half man half machine still had enough of a human musculoskeletal frame that enhanced tendons rippled beneath his coat at the slightest movement. His face, or what was left of it, was well hidden from view by a faceless silver domed mask. A feature that while it was polished to a shine still unnerved many who suspected the seven foot tall brute was staring directly at them at all times. It had enough of an effect on the two guards that they had no further complaints about my personal safety.
With the men at arms finally gone I let the mask I'd been holding up all day to finally crack.
First, it'd been the disappearance of the impassive yet polite smile I'd maintained all day, then next came the slouch in my posture as I sunk into my seat as my bones felt like they were coming apart at the joints, and finally I lifted the palms of my hands up to my beautifully imaculate face, promptly screwed them deep into my eye sockets and potentially ruining the makeup that'd taken over an hour to apply that morning... Which had been nearly twelve hours ago. That last part didn't matter too much as when the stress filled tears finally came gushing out I was sure my chambermaid's efforts had been thoroughly ruined.
"AAAAAAHHH FUUUUCK!" I screamed out to the high vaulted ceiling, letting my exclamation echo about the rafters.
Butler turned his spherical head towards me as if in concern, but he kept silent, he was always silent. Which was good, because I didn't want him to say anything at that moment. The throbbing headache behind my eyeballs wouldn't quit until I was done with my tantrum.
"Why did I have to be reborn with a target already painted on my back?!" I cried, "Why couldn't I have been sent to some fun filled fantasy world filled with adventure and magic!? Instead I'm dropped headfirst into 'The Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium'! That's not fair! That's fucked up! I wanna go home!" I kicked and thrashed like a petulant child on the stupid throne I was now stuck with.
Yes, you heard that right, this is an isekai. Complete with truck and all... And I hated it.
What in the God Emperor's name is an "Isekai" I hear you ask? Well this might come off as a bit heretical to almost everyone on this planet and the Imperium as a whole, but it's a name for a story trope that originated from a nation that once belonged on Holy Terra called 'Japan', from about thirty eight thousand years ago, give or take a few centuries. It's where someone's soul gets smashed into the next Sunday by a passing truck or they pass on due to overwork (...both of these types of incidents happen on a sickeningly frequent basis within the Imperium, so I'm sure you miserable lot can all relate.) Then the person is usually sent to a world that's teetering on the brink of peril and catastrophe. Once there said Isekai subject is usually tasked by some god or whatever into saving said unfortunate world after being bestowed super natural cheat powers so they could bring about peace, though usually it ends up with the Hero marrying the Demon Lord or something equally asinine.
I know, even just uttering the words 'gods' and 'demon lords' probably gives you a one way ticket to the pyre around here, so I've been trying to keep it all rather hush hush.
You wouldn't believe how hard it is to avoid saying "Gods damnit!" or to not describe the dizzying and frighteningly messy legal system as "chaotic" without getting some distressingly odd looks...
Now, how did I arrive to this sordid situation in the far flung future you may ask? Well my psychically inclined friends, I'd first ask of you to go find your nearest Black Ship and kindly jump aboard to become Big E's next protein shake for evesdropping in on my thoughts. But if not, then sit back and listen for an earful.
First, let me stress this point absolutely clear for the Inquisitors in the crowd: I am NOT crazy, nor am I worshipper of any forbidden cult. So please, for the love of the God Emperor, don't send any assassinorum freaks after me! I just survived my first major assassination attempt, and that was by a bunch of moronic despots! If someone who actually knew what they were doing were to actually try to take me out they'd have no issue whatsoever... Which is an issue in this hellish universe. But I digress.
Secondly, and I know this might contradict the first, but you'll have to take my word for this: this, all of this, the universe you live in, in all it's brutal ugly gory glory is the setting for a table top game where a bunch of kids and adults spend way too much of their money building and painting miniature plastic armies to fight one another.
Yes, in essence none of this is real, or as non-real as I thought this all was until I woke up on this world and in this unfamiliar body. To me at least you all exist as story and lore fluff for a bunch of toys. Have fun with that bit of spicy forbidden knowledge.
...Let me know once your perils of the warp cools down, don't want to shock you too much.
...
...
Good? Brain not popping like a grape in a microwave? Great. Cause it's not going to get better...
Lastly, and here's where things get really weird for me personally: The part where I died.
It all started when I'd finally gotten off of work late one night at the office. I'd been forced into completing assignment after assignment for my slave driver of a boss. (And before you start taking me too literally, because I bet slavery is probably somehow legal here, no, she wasn't an actual slave owner, she just treated everyone like slaves, myself included.) I'd spent the whole day and night fixing an issue with the company's financial records and taking complaints from several hot headed clients. Apparently my boss's boss had been caught embezzling funds from several key company projects and now the whole firm had gone into overdrive trying to hold what remained of the company together. Legally, we were screwed and up Shits Creek without a paddle.
Not that I cared too much, I was just an office lackey for a sadistic cunt. The only reason I didn't bail once the scandal had been announced was for the fact that if I'd left then one of my juniors would then be forced into the position I was currently stuck in. And damnit, what those adorable fresh faced hires didn't realize what I'd done for them on a daily basis! Fresh outta college with their degrees and still thinking they'd hit the big leagues, with wide puppy dog eyes and eagerly wagging tails and all. I remember being like them was once, and not the nihilistic jackass I am these days. Back then I had a precious thing called "Hope"... Still don't, but I make do without it.
And I mean sure, the company I worked for was on the Fortune 500 list, but that didn't mean you should drink the Kool Aid and buy into the public face of the company. Only the top dogs got an easy life there, the rest of us were just expendable peons, often fed into the cogs so that our blood could grease their machine's gears... Again, just to be clear, this is not literal. Back then we didn't sacrifice people to toasters unlike now.
Anyways, the way I saw it was that my juniors didn't deserve to have to have their future careers ruined by rotten scandals or ruined by the whims of some sadistic fucker with a shriveled dick... Especially the younger girls in the company, I made sure they were at least assigned spots well away from the perverted managers and other such creeps that preyed upon beautiful women in the office... A task more difficult than it sounds once you learned about how the upper rungs of the company took wagers to see how many of their own employees they could bed in a month.
I swear, how hadn't this black company not gone belly up before? Oh well, it doesn't mater, as I said before I died so it's no longer my problem anymore... Still, I at least hope my juniors got smart enough find a better firm to work for before it's too late for them.
Speaking of late, it had been well past midnight by the time was out of the office and walked out onto the street. Cold late Autumn rain greeted me outside the lobby's front doors. At the time it was pouring down in buckets, nearly instantly soaking me through my suit from head to toe the moment I stepped onto the curb. It didn't matter if I had my umbrella with me, the wind just wiped the water pellets sideways.
Perfect, just perfect... I thought glumly. The one day my car breaks down it starts raining cats and dogs.
If I rushed it I could've made it the last bus home. The bus stop was only a block away, and it wasn't like I could get any more soaked than I already was just by standing there.
Resigning myself to my fate I trudged along, my loafers squelching with each step. I'd need to hang my suit up to dry once I was back home, the fabric it was made out of didn't dry so easily so I wasn't sure it'd be ready for work the next morning...
A frown creased my tired features. Fuck almost forgot, I need to be back to the office by six am to prepare the materials for Sandra's next meeting and still file that bogus earnings statement to the IRS before ten... A tired sigh escaped my lips as I stood underneath a lamp post. The lone source of light illuminating me in a dim halo. I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight am I...
But, my home was warm and it had food in the fridge, so it was better than sleeping in the office and eating vending machine junk. I also had my latest miniature set to paint, I'd barely had any time to focus on my hobbies these days so my backlog was piling up. That the model of Saint Celestine I'd purchased recently had been left shamefully stark grey for weeks by now and my inner modeler was bugging me to high hell about it. The Geminae Superia weren't even glued together either! Truly, a shame to the rest of my Sisters of Battle army. Even my collection of Iron Warriors and Salamanders weren't nearly as finished, and they'd been relegated to being left in their boxes until I'd had a free weekend or two to build them... Which, as I'd found out tonight seemed to be nothing but a far off dream with how shit was going down...
Perhaps after I'd finished Celestine and her Geminae I could start working on the Salamanders. I'd never finish the whole army of course, but Captain Vulkan He'stan was pretty cool, with his little magma cape and flames. Yes, that sounded like a nice way to pass a few hours before I was sent back into the meat grinder. I'd need to down a shit ton of caffeine to do it, but finishing up some of my hobbies seemed like the solace I needed at the moment, more so than a crummy short nap. Who needed sleep anyways? This was the third all-nighter I'd done in a row this week after all.
As I was debating which flavours of sugary energy drink I'd need to pick up from the corner store on my way home I completely missed how the light had changed colours midway through crossing the street... You can probably guess what happened next, but suffice to say all I could remember after that point was the loud honking of a white truck's horn before staring down a pair of two bright headlights.
Then my world was nothing but mind blowing pain.
=
"...I said we should leave the women and children alone." A high pitched nasally voice spoke, "They're of no further use to us Sire, and it would feel absolutely dreadful to just... 'Remove' them like this."
"And I said that I don't give two grox shits what your opinion is!" A wet, raspy voice shot back. "They're too dangerous to be left alive! Should any one of them survive they might crawl into a hole and spawn a contender to the throne later! Then it'd just be another mess to clean up down the line! And I absolutely despise messes!" The voice roared in agitation, "Toss them out the nearest window and be done with them!"
I tried to slowly open my eyes, an effort that was made infinitly harder to do thanks to the blinding light that seemed to all but surround me. All I could tell was that I was laying on something cold and solid, it wasn't the street pavement at least as I no longer felt drenched to the bone. At the same time I could tell something else was off... The whole of my body felt oddly different, like my entire skeleton had been taken out and rearranged. A throbbing pain inside my head told me I was at least somehow still alive after that truck ran me over.
Did... Did someone call an ambulance for me? My thoughts were muddled, as if my brain had been replaced with a thick jelly. Fuck... Don't know if I can afford that...
As the seconds ticked by and I painstakingly coalesced my brain cells together into a semi-functional blob a feeling of unease had settled into me, and I began to question my present situation.
Strangely this place didn't seem like some kind of hospital that I knew of; there was no beeping or buzzing of medical machinery, nor any noise of nurses and doctors attending to patients. Only the chatter between the two voices I'd heard earlier, and they most certinally weren't medical staff, especially not with how those two kept talking like a pair of cartoonish villains. Also, I don't think hospital beds were supposed to be this uncomfortable. It felt like I was sleeping on a floor.
"...Very well Sire, but perhaps we should wait until we've captured the lot of them? Surely they should meet the Emperor's embrace together. Be a rather fitting end wouldn't you say?"
"Bah! Fine, if it'll keep your pedantic sniveling to a minimum!" The loud bleating of the man grated on my ears, almost as much as the wet smacking crunch he made as he bit into something. "My Brother's detestable harlot and bastard child should be sufficient bait to lure out my nephew. Once the brat shows his face again I can be rid of them once and for all!" The maniac cackling the man made was blessedly cut short but the barking phlegmy cough that took hold of him.
"Euggh ehem..." The voice cleared the partly chewed morsel from his wind pipe with spat, which sounded as if it'd landed somewhere near my face. Ew. "Now, where was I Cannabich?"
"...You were telling me how you'd finally triumphed over your destestable cousins Sire."
"Ah yes... My destiny." Pride refilled the loud lout to the point of overconfidence. "Finally, the planet will be mine alone to rule! No more plotting in secret or bowing to my inept brother-in-law! I can do as I please and answer to no one! Ha! No one else inside the Imperium to answer to besides Terra and the stray Inquisitior. But those I can deal with enough bribes and fancy dinners I bet! Haven't met a soul yet that can say no to either! Planetary Governor Krumb' has a nice ring to it, if I do say so!"
Okay, this is just ridiculous! I grumbled, Did the nurse leave the TV on in the room? I can't sleep with all this racket! Especially since this bed they put me in is so lousy, it's as hard as rock and I don't even have a blanket either!
Once more I attempted to open my eyes, if only I could reach the remote I could turn the damned TV off or at least mute it. Some of what was being said clicked at the back of my mind however, but I didn't feel like dealing with that at the current moment. I was too tired and suffering from my throbbing concussion to think about anything at all really.
Unfortunately, as I opened my eyes successfully on the second attempt I soon regretted ever doing so...
The sight I was met with wasn't that of a sterile hospital ward, no, instead I found myself somewhere completely unexpected; from where I was laying I appeared to be laying on the ground, or more specificslly, a floor made of solid marble. Confused it was neither hospital bedding or even concrete I glanced upwards... Only to be met with the sight of a vast Cathedral, the interior seeming to stretch impossibly upwards for half a mile...
I balked at the unexpected scenery, letting my mind come to a crashing halt as I gaped at the vaulted ceiling. I had no idea where I was. Or really, I didn't even think the city even had a Catholic church this large built within it. At least, none that I'd ever visited before.
Yet somehow, it all felt oddly familiar...
Torches burned in cast iron braziers high up upon the walls and in massive chandeliers that hung from unseen rafters, the firelight illuminating the bizarre world I'd woken up to. The flickering of the flames above casting eerie giant shadows that crawled over everything, as if the darkness itself was alive. In the voids between the torch light dozens of massive stone statues stood vigil, their swords and shields held by their sides craved with the heraldry of strange and unknown warrior clans. These inanimate soldiers seemingly stood vigil from the shadows, glaring down at all who witnessed them.
My sanity twitched as I began noticing the absolute mind boggling number of skulls crammed into just about everywhere. Jesus! It was like I was in a Hot Topic underneath the Paris catacombs! It didn't matter what it was, be it a waxy candle holder or floating incense burner, there was a skull for that... Weather they were real or not I couldn't quite tell, but I didn't feel any easier with so many human skulls decorating the space.
Thankfully it wasn't all skulls and statures. There were also brightly coloured stained glass murals dotting along the stone brick walls. Their iconography set in a dizzying array of splendid colours and shapes; each window told stories filled with both bloody violence and acts of incredible heroism against horrifyinglt vicious alien creatures. Some of which I found hurt the eyes the longer you stared at them.
A hushed murmur drew my watering eyes away from the stained glass, down to a crowd that'd gathered in the center of this enormous creepy gothic church. At the sight of who I was laying before I nearly thought I'd lost my marbles!
Instead of a television set playing a Saturday morning cartoon,or the rush of nurses and doctors tending to patients, I was greeted by a whole host of nightmarish and gaudily dressed people: Each and every one of them was dressed in an array of flamboyant colours. Their tricorn hats were peaked with the long plumage of exotic tropical birds of every hue, perhaps they were peacock feathers, but I don't believe I'd ever seen a pink and purple peacock in my life before... The other accessories I saw they adorned themselves with were not to be out done by strange birds of paradise, as from rings to broaches to gold studded pouches, they were all filled to the gills with glittering gem stones that shined and glimmered as flickering light hit them. There were also some severely heavy steampunk elements thrown into the mix, seemingly tossed in at random at times; a brass monocle here, a Victorian corset there. There was even one man who's whole arm had been replaced by a gilded metal arm! I grew a bit nauseous as I observed how several cables attached to the man's cybernetic limb were plugged directly into his temple... The metal and flesh interface oozing a clear liquid which needed to be dabbed at with a silk handkerchief.
While most of the people standing before me were dressed as nobles, a few stood off to the side seperate from the gagble of rainbow paletted freaks. They held odd looking guns and were dressed like soldiers from the fifteenth century, or at least they reminded me of some kind of Shakespearian foot soldier with their tricorn looking hats and polished metal breast plates.
It was all in all like the Renaissance fair had made a morbidly deformed baby with a Steampunk convention.
The cosplayers all milled about a few dozen tables, all of which were piled high with an absurd amount of food, each of them picking up hors d'oeuvre after hors d'oeuvre as they talked in haughty accented tones to one another. Some of them were so plump I swore they were wider than they were tall! They continued stuffing their faces full with sweetly smelling pastries and downed it all with richly coloured wines.
I also noted how some of these bizarre cosplayers were dresses a more subdued rainbow of olive greens, brownish burgundies, and muted reds. Not the most flattering of colours I'll admit, but if these weirdos were willing to tear common sense apart with their tacky wardrobe selection then who was I to stop them?
There was one of them however that stood out from among the rest, a towering creature that was all but one of the most unpleasant sights I'd ever seen in my entire life...
To say the disgusting wretch I had the displeasure of looking at was a man was perhaps an insult to all of Humanity as a whole. The fat, pustulating, oversized being sitting before me in his ornate chair reminded me more of a toad like creature than anything else.
It's mouth was swollen far too wide, with two beady eyes squinting out from it's saggy pallid skin. The monster licked it's mouth fervently with a slug like tongue as the thing eagerly observed the food tables it dwarfed. With one of it's fatty arms the creature lifted up a drum stick the size of my whole damn head up to it's wide gaping maw, eagerly biting a massive chunk of savory foul out of it. Bits of sauce and meaty flakes of cooked flesh dripped down onto the thing's golden clothes as it's arm retracted with the food gripped within it's paw. And no, I didn't mean he was just wearing a brightly coloured sweater, the threads of his medieval looking outfit was made out of pure gold! He even had hundreds of jewels encrusted into his tight fitting tunic! He must have been wearing a fortune on his hide! The only thing holding back the slurry of slobber and partly chewed food from rolling down past his triple chins onto his corpulent form was one of those Elizabethan era frilly neck collars, the pearl white fabric now stained a disgusting brown...
All in all the fat bastard reminded me a bit of a mix between King Henry the eighth and that giant Goblin King from the Hobbit.
"What... The... Fuck..." I finally croaked out, my voice cracking as if it hadn't been used it in forever. I was surprised by how high pitched it nearly sounded, but I shoved that information for later processing. Too busy gawking at IRL golden toad man.
A straw thin noble dressed in purple garb with a peaked cap sprouting a pair of blue feathers seemed to have heard my mumbled dumbfounded exclamation. As he turned his face to my direction his monocle came popping off his facd as his eyes shot wide open in abject horrified surprise. "S-sire! Sire! She appears to be waking up!" He announced to the mass of gilded blubber.
The ogre seemed to have enough sense to heed the reedy man's announcement. The chair he sat upon creaked loudly in protest upon the shifting movement of his girth. The large man actually growled, fucking growled upon seeing me!
...Then he belched, ruining his attempt to seem intimidating.
"Hurggh, well well well... Colour me surprised! If it isn't my darling dear little niece coming back to us from beyond the grave." The sneer he gave me would have curdled milk.
"I thought you'd gone and bought the Grox farm for sure when one of my servants smashed your petulant head in with that rod . Could have sworn you'd have spilled your brains with how your skull was cracked open like that... Seems you've still got some left to spare."
I didn't quite know how to respond the unexpected hostility, what with my splitting headache and absolute total confusion, so I simply responded with a simple and eloquent "...Wot?"
The toad like creature rolled his tiny black eyes at that. "Ah, perhaps not then... No matter, you won't be needing any brains once I'm finished with you lot. Just sit patiently in the corner with your whore of a mother and I'll be sure to take care of you shortly. As soon as your rat of a younger brother arrives I can guarantee there'll be nothing left to worry about any more!" The ominous words were backed up by a Papal guard looking motherfucker roughly shoving and dragging me away.
"Ah, hey watch it! Fuck, let me go man!" I squawked as I was pulled along by the arm.
"Quiet girly," the guard snapped in a hushed whisper, "The Lord says to plant yer arse down and be patient, so that's what you's gon be doin." I was so stunned by the man mistakenly calling me a girl and his horrendous British accent that I didn't make any further protests as I was hauled off.
I soon found out that the corner of the throne room I was thrown into wasn't unoccupied. As I was stumble dragged over there I saw a lone silver haired woman in a simple white dress quietly sobbing into her hands.
Before I could even ask my captor why she was in such a state I was unceremoniously dumped like a sack of bricks onto the solid marble floor with a clatter. The woman briefly halted her weeping, turning to look at the newest intruders with large puffy red eyes.
If I had to say one thing about this woman, it would be that she was perhaps the complete opposite of that bastard Toad King.
Despite her disheveled appearance and purpling bruise marks upon her skin from her captor's harsh treatment she was perhaps the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen...
Pale silky smooth white hair that reached down to her back fell in long strands around her head, appearing almost like a translucent mourning veil. Her skin, the parts that hadn't been struck, was a creamy ivory white, free of wrinkles or other such markings to denote her number of years. I could only guess as to her actual age, as with her near white hair and youthful complexion it was quite hard to find any trace of aging. Still, she held a maturity in her bearing that spoke of maturity and motherhood; perhaps it was the slight curves to her body that she possessed, or perhaps the natural motherly instinct one projects once they bear and care for a child. Either way, I could tell that despite the fact she looked like a fashion model in her mid to late twenties she was in fact much older than she appeared.
Supple and dainty lips curled into a tight frown upon seeing the guard standing over her, though had she been smiling I was sure it'd have been a sight beautiful enough to make an angel sing. I could see that there were two deep purple gems were set into her eyes, like shaped amethyst crystal; they spoke volumes to the sorrow and gried filling her soul as I peered into soul. Even her tears staining her face were like crystalline diamonds.
It was like I'd born witness to a fallen angel, weeping over an immense tragedy.
Upon seeing me however some of that sorrow immediately vanished from the woman, her stunning purple eyes went wide with simultaneous shock and joy. "Olivia..." She breathed, almost as a question, daring not to fully believe in her own eyes. I noted that her voice being perfect pitch as well. "Olivia! Oh, my sweet darling baby! I'm so glad you're alive!" The woman rushed over, smothering me in her arms. Her embrace, while vice like in its grip, was warm and I noted she smelled sweetly of lavender.
"W-wah! Hey! Stop that!" I protested, blushing as I awkwardly shoved the living goddess away from me. "I don't even know who you are lady! So please give me some space!"
The strangely clingy woman obeyed my plea, though confusion was writ all across her face. "Eh, whatever do you mean Olivia? It's me, Catherine... Don't you remember your own mother?"
I had to take two seconds to ponder such an absurd question, not because it was obvious that this woman wasn't my mother, but rather because for a brief moment I actually believed her... Memories that I knew weren't mine flashed across my mind, images so blurry I couldn't tell what exactly was going on or when it was, but the common trait between them all was this very woman's face. I also recalled memories of home, of my own mother who once lived in far off in Charleston, West Virginia. The two women had their faces soon overlapping as the images and memories continued to blur. One moment I was seeing this white haired angel cheering me on at my winning game of high school baseball, while another I saw my mother be there for my first violin recital in front of a gathering of stone faced nobles... I never played an instrument before, I couldn't, I was highly tone deaf.
I shook my head to clear my muddled thoughts. It seemed the head injury I had was worse than I'd thought...
"N-no, aghh!" A jolt of pain ran down my neck, "I really don't know who you are ma'am. And stop calling me Olivia! I'm not a girl! I'm a thirty year old man!" I protested, but the squeakiness of my voice didn't seem to convince her. "Look, I really have no clue what's going on here! The last thing I remember was walking across the street late at night and being run over by a truck... Now I'm being held hostage by some weirdos in costumes, talking about taking over a planet or some nonsense." I winced as I felt the hot throb behind my eyes once more. "This concussion of mine is probably getting worse by the second, so really should I go see a doctor immediately!"
The look of sympathy I got wasn't the kind I was hoping for, it was the kind where the other person thought you were talking crazy. "Oh dear... They truly must have hit you really hard on the head if you can't remember anything! Here, let mama take a look at it."
Without waiting for a response Catherine reached out again with her dainty hands and gently brought my head towards her lap to inspect. I'm not sure why I allowed it, but honestly without my cell phone handy having someone take a look at the bloody spot on my head was better than nothing. Once again my head was filled with the scent of flowers as I was laid upon her lap. My heart still raced by the proximity, but this time an odd feeling of serenity filled me with the warmth of the lap. It reminded me of the time my actual mother calmed me down after falling off the swing set as a kid...
I heard a gasp, as she seemed to spot the aching spot on the back of my head. "Oh my! There's so much blood! It's getting everywhere in your precious silver locks!"
Okay, not what I cared about, especially since I knew my hair was chestnut brown. "Cool cool, but can you see if I'm still bleeding? I should really get a bandage on that..."
"No dear... It's odd, but I think your wound has stopped bleeding already." The woman claiming to be my mother hummed as she continued inspecting the back of my scalp. "Thank the Throne, it appears to have stemmed the flow all on it's own! But, just to be sure I'll wrap it up for you. Your Father often times became injured in battle, so perhaps you inherited his sturdiness from him." As she pulled away I noticed the barely contained grief behind her eyes. "...He would have much rather gone to serve by the Emperor's side after falling in battle, not from falling ill due to poison and trickery." The snarl that came across her features didn't seem to belong there, but the scathing look she gave the toad like creature snacking with his posse could wither a rose.
"I curse your treacherous Uncle Krumb for depriving my Husband of his final glory! He always coveted the position Herold held, jealously sniveling in the shadows as his brother fought for the Imperium. When he was passed up for Planetary Governor for his cowardice he staged this coup. May the God Emperor damn his soul to oblivion!"
"Uh huh..." I stared up at the crazy woman, not fully understanding how this affected me, but clearly I'd somehow landed myself a Hamletesq drama of some kind. Complete with brother murder, the fate of a crown and all. "Krumby family aside, is there any chance I could see a doctor now? Even a medic would be nice." I asked, "While you said my head wasn't bleeding I'd like to get it stitched up and bandaged so I don't get infected."
Once again, I got a look as if I was the one talking nonsense, but perhaps it was because this angelic woman still thought I was her child she passed it off as the affects of suffering from a brain injury.
She shook her head, "No, I don't believe I could call for an apothecary... Your Uncle has sealed us off in the highest spire of the hive. He's keeping us here until he finds your brother. He managed to escape during the confusion with the Governor's crown." My 'Mother' explained as she tore off a strip from her expensive looking silk white dress, which she then used to bandage my head.
"...I do hope little Archie can manage on his own and call for help from the PDF. But, I fear he may let his daring nature get the better of him and attempt to rescue us." Catherine sighed, "That boy looked up to your father so much-"
Just then a door burst open, revealing two large and one smaller figure dangling between them. "Sire! We've caught the slippery little bastard!"
"Unhand me you-you cretins!" A little boy shouted in a high pitched voice, thrashing out with his legs. However, due to his shortness his kicking never really hit the men holding him aloft. "You'll pay for this injustice!"
My 'mother' gasped in horror, holding a hand up to cover her mouth. "N-No... You should have ran far, far away Archie!" Her voice shook with fear as she watched her son be brought forth.
The toad king, apparently my Uncle Krumb according to this fucked up script, looked up from his latest half eaten pastry (which was just a whole ass pie he'd held in his sticky hands.) Upon seeing the spritely new hostage he bellowed a sickening laugh that shook the whole room. An impressive feat considering how you could easily fit a football stadium in here. "Excellent! Excellent! Bring him to me!" The lackeys obediently obeyed, plopping the little scion by the feet of his chair.
Upon closer inspection of the boy I could easily see a familial resemblance to the beauty sitting beside me; they both shared the same silvery blond hair and strange deep purple eyes. Not only that, but he also had inherited her perfect angelic looks. His smooth and cherub like features diminished any menace from the snarl he put forth. I'd even go so far as to say he was so androgynous that it was hard to tell that this child was a boy at all. Slap a dress on him and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between mother and child, except for perhaps his reduced height and shorter hair length of course. The boy looked over at us, and for a moment the steel held in his eyes melted, replaced by shame and doubt.
"Ah, little Archibald, so nice to see you again. You did an excellent job playing 'Heretic and Inquisition', but I'd say the game is up!" The troll gave a sickening smirk, "Now, be a good little bastard and give me the damn crown!"
Archie spat on the floor, but I was sure he had tried to spit up at his uncle's face. "And you're still the fat old greasy grox that I remember! I'll never give you Father's crown! Never!"
Krumb didn't seem too pleased by the insult, nor being denied his latest treasure. Turning his neck to the side he addressed the reed thin man standing beside him. "Cannabich, slap him for me will you?"
"...Certainly Sire." The boy was struck across the cheek with the back of the lackey's hand.
"Aaugh!" The boy screamed, though to be honest the smack didn't seem nearly as painful as he made it out to be. Either the kid was playing up the pain he felt or the lackey's wrists were made of wet noodles.
The boy turned his purple eyes back up at his captor, grinning around his bruised cheek, "H-heh, the crown is far far away from here! Somewhere you'll never find it again you old toad!" Well, at least I wasn't the only one thinking the man looked like a sickly amphibian. "I tossed the crown into the deepest, darkest depths of the Underhive! Good luck finding it you bloated carcass!"
The king toad seemed to grow beet red, his pallid flesh searing under the stress of actually having hot blood flow through it for once instead of diabetic inducing gravy sauce. "You what?!" He screeched, a wine glass shattered nearby, startling the noble lady who'd been holding it. "You little cur! How dare you throw away my ticket to ruling this planet! That crown is a sacred artifact and you just tossed it into the lower hive like some common trash!?"
"Yes."
Gotta admit, despite looking like a girl the kid's got some balls.
"CANNABICH! KILL HIM!" Krumb roared froathing at the mouth.
"...Yes, Sire." Cannabich withdrew a thin blade from a sheath on his belt. He seemed almost reluctant to follow the order, but still he stepped ever closer to the boy. Archie's bravado seemed to disappear as the sharp end of the minion's blade was almost pressed against his windpipe. The metal began to nick the child's throat, drawing a bead of red crimson from the pale skin.
Before either my 'mother' could cry out in dismay or the willowy nobleman commit upon the murderous order he'd been given I decided I'd had my fill of watching this circus show play on.
"Alright stop! That's enough!" I shouted, my voice still a high pitch but either by the force or unexpectedness of my command everybody halted where they stood. Many powdered wigs turned in my direction, everybody stared perplexedly at me.
"This joke has gone on far enough. I'm not sure who put you all up to this, perhaps someone from upper management with a sick sense of humor, but I draw the line at killing children!" I jabbed a finger at the man currently holding the sword to the boy's throat. Cannabich had the decency to look at least somewhat startled as I leveled my searing glare at him. Though the sword remained dangerously where it was. "You all should be ashamed of yourselves for hitting a small child and threatening to murder him right before his own mother. Even if it's all just an act that's some pretty dark shit!"
Everyone looked as if I'd lost my head, many of the ladies in the gathered crowd actually gasped at what I was saying, though it wasn't until much later did I realize why. Cursing was apparently seen as vulgar unless one was part of the 'gentlemanly' class. A lady never cussed.
Both the crazy silver haired woman I'd been forced to sit beside and the disgusting toadman similarly had their mouths gaping open at my abrupt outburst. But neither stopped me as I pulled myself up.
As I stood back up on both my feet I could feel they were still wobbly, and if I moved too fast my head would hurt, but I pushed past my headache. I was too pissed to care about the pain.
"I've had a real shit week so far; being asked to help fix one utter disaster after another! All thanks to my shitty CEO who's immature and selfish actions could only be described as a wet stain upon Humanity! I've had zero fucking sleep for the past three days straight, and I can't just quit because then somebody else will be forced to fill the same role I have right now! I try and have some peace and quiet, enjoying the little time off I have from my crusade against idiocy and litigation, and what do I get?! My head smashed in and wake up to find I've been kidnapped by bunch of clowns acting in some horrendous take on a Shakespearian play! It's all too fucking much!"
The woman calling herself my mother tried to reach up to me grab my arm. "P-please, stop Olivia! You can't do anything to stop them!" Catherine pleaded.
"And that's another thing!" I rounded on the woman, who flinched at the irate glare I leveled at her. "I. AM. NOT. OLIVIA! Or whoever the fuck it is you keep mistaking me for! I'm not a girl, I'm not your child, I'm not even sure what the fuck is going on! But what I am most certain of is that you assholes are all fucking crazy!" Again, another gasp from the crowd at my swearing. A spindly nobleman even fainted at being called an asshole. What, did inbreeding give them all paper thin skins or something?
"...What I'm also sure of is that I need to see a doctor for my head before I get any more brain damaged than I already am! Your insanity is gonna give me an aneurysm! So if you see my boss, or whoever the hell it was that put you all up to this, tell them to shove it up their asses!"
I then turned back the mutant named Krumb, jabbing a finger up at his face. "And you! You're the one running this prank show I bet, so tell me where you all hid your cameras right now, because I'm taking them all in as evidence to the police! I hope I see you all in court, assholes!" I was left panting by the end of my tirade. My head was spinning, but my temper kept me standing.
Utter silence met me. Nobody dared to say a word, or perhaps they just couldn't fathom the correct words to respond to my rantings.
Turns out you didn't need to have anything eloquent or witty to say when you could just laugh in someone's face.
And so I heard the first chuckle escape from the Toad called Krumb, then he gawfed, and sputtered, and roared in gut bursting laughter. The rest of his gaudy retinue followed suit in their own mad cackling, soundling to the world like a chorus of magpies as their laughter bounced throughout the cavernous cathedral. I felt a bit of the fire leave me to be replaced by burning embarrassment. I didn't normally stick my neck out like this, I was more of an introvert, so public speaking was never my strong suit. Mostly due to a fear of laughter such as this.
"Ohoho! That's rich! Heh heh! You've finally scrambled your egg!" Krumb chortled, "The daughter of a fool has lost her mind! How hilarious!"
Many in the crowd were similarly in outright cackling fits, the ladies tittered behind their fancy folding fans, while the men outright guffawed while gesturing at me. I hated every second of it.
Then someone in crowd threw something, a pastry or something similar. The jam filled baked confection soared through the air before splatting on the marble, falling short of my feet.
It didn't take long before a whole slew of pies and other such sweets then were tossed my way. I could hear Catherine standing behind me yelp as bits of food landed near her, however I was the only one they were aiming for and so I was struck by several cakes and squishy ripe fruit. My clothes, which I hadn't noticed before wasn't the suit I had been wearing out of the office was now being stained by repeated hits of strawberry and custard. I grunted, holding up my hands to knock away what looked like a water melon carved into the shape of a sailing ship as it soared past my face.
"Hey, quit that right fucking now!" I shouted, but only laughter and more food answered me. "Are you all insane?!"
It didn't take long before other bits and bobs started flying from the crowd, items that these crazy people carried on their person. The objects started getting progressively more hazardous with each throw. One of which, a wind up pocket watch, pinged painfully off the top of my skull.
Something clicked then as a recoiled from the hit, a part of me that was and wasn't there before. I felt light, not in just how my body seemed to regain it's balance, but somewhere deep inside me I could feel a tremendous heat building up. At first I thought it was my rage boiling over, but oddly this heating sensation felt like it had a will of it's own. It was like someone with an immense presence was standing behind me, simultaneously disgusted and enraged by these people. Brilliant golden rays of light from this person shined down upon me, encouraging me onwards, telling me what I should do... I didn't need such motivation, because what I was about to do was completely of my own volition anyways.
"Oh, that is fucking IT!" I picked up the brass pocket watch, quickly judging it's weight and density within my hand. It was made out of a polished chrome and brass, which meant it was heavy enough for what I needed it for. "TIME TO FUCK SOME BITCHES UP!" The watch made for an excellent projectile as it slammed home into one of the gun toting men standing closest to me, hitting him square in the face with a wet crack. The guard went down before the laughter had even stopped.
The crowd grew quiet as they turned to stare confusedly at the downed man, I didn't let them have the chance to gather their bearings. The next man on my shit list only had the wherewithal to turn around and face me as he heard my footsteps rapidly approaching. He didn't get a word out as I slammed a fist directly into his wind pipe. Somehow I had to reach up higher than expected, his body towered over me for some reason, but hey ho, down the fool goes!
A middle aged woman let out a shrill scream, finally realizing I was actually attacking them for once. Too fucking bad! There's no breaks on this train bitch! I took the man's ancient looking musket in both my hands, promptly using the butt of the rifle to club her over the head. She fell like a sack of bricks.
Three down, a bunch of more shit fuckers to go!
Krumb surprisingly seemed to have the first intelligent thought amongst his gathered rabble, despite how lard filled his head probably was. "Don't just stand there you idiots! Run her through!"
I wielded the heavy musket like a baseball bat, ready to swing. "BRING IT BITCH!"
Several of the men took up the challenge. They threw off their velvet capes to reveal that they too were armed for a fight, they were all wielding what looked like long ornate rapiers, the kind the Musketeers must have used. These guys were the first ones to show any proper martial skill, fanning out in a circle as the group of three before me made an attempt to encircle the crazed lunatic using the soldiers laslock like a club.
"Hey, which one of you has the smallest dick?" I asked each of the noblemen, they all gave me either puzzled or offended looks. I turned to the one with the flashiest array of peacock feathers sticking out of his hat and the most amount of gold encrusting his sword. "I bet it's you! You shrimp dick motherfucker!"
True to form the overcompensating fellow grew beet red at the most likely accurate accusation before wordlessly yelling as he swung his sword at me. I ducked beneath the excessively telegraphed strike and hit back with my own; a swift kick to the groin.
At this point I noticed I also had some different shoes on, some kind of pointy high heeled slippers... Don't know how I missed that before, but I didn't care. It was pointy and judging by how the man screamed like a little girl as he held his family jewels I bet it hurt more than enough. The other men winced as they watched their fellow fall face first gurgling to the floor.
I pointed my makeshift bat at the next man in my sights, "You're next pal!" I bellowed.
"P-please! I haven't had any heirs yet!" He screamed.
"TOO FUCKING BAD!" I swung the musket like a golf club, slamming the ponce backwards with a pained cry. "You'd be a horrible dad anyways!"
The third swordsman was sweating by the time I put him in my sights. He sheathed his sword and turned to run. "Nope. Frack this, I'm out!"
"Who decided you could run away!" I bounded after the coward... His screams still terrorized many to this day.
In the midst of my rampage the doors to the great hall burst open once more. This time it was a giant being led into the hall by two smaller men, the hulking form of the body they had chained between them dwarfing either man.
"Warp damnit! What is it now!?" Krumb screeched, annoyed by the latest distraction. Couldn't they see he was trying to organize his forces for battle? Idiots!
"Sire! We've located the Vomia family's servitor! The dumb brute was hiding behind one of the statues!" One of the men exclaimed. "And you wouldn't have guessed what we found on him!" From out of the other man's pocket he withdrew what appeared to be no more than a simple golden laurel wreath. However, from the reaction the jewelry elicited from the fat bastard as his tiny eyes bugged out upon laying eyes on it I had to assume the wreath was anything but 'simple'.
"The crown!" Toad Prime shouted, greed all but distracting him entirely.
"Oh no! The crown!" Archie, still held by two slightly panicking guards shouted.
"Oh yeah, fresh meat!" I cackled, whacking the monocle off a nearby nobleman with my bat. "C'mon boys and join the party! I'll give you all an ass kickin!"
The two latest arrivals both looked at each other, confused at that last part. As they finally took stock of the courtroom they suddenly felt unsure as to what in the Emperor's name they'd just stumbled in on.
Before them was a scene of utter mayhem and carnage; Lords and Ladies were being trampled underfoot, either being previously knocked out by the Princess of the late Planetary Governor who seemed to be wielding a bent laslock like a cudgel, or they had been trembled by the sheer force of the stampeeding crowd of nobles as they pushed themselves away from the fighting.
Some men attempted to defend their wives or daughters from the fate that awaited them, but either by club or shove they were all brought under the sea of bodies. Soon, a bloody, snarling, and very pissed off Princess Olivia Augustine Furina Vomia was left standing in the center of the mess. Like some monstrous avenging angel of the Emperor the Princess stood above the defeated bodies of her foe, staring down what remained of the crowd of nobles that cowered on the far end of the hall.
"...You thinking what I'm thinking Dieter?"
"If it's 'slowly backing away and not looking back', then sure Hans, yes I am."
They didn't get the chance to enact their brilliant escape plan, as the chains that they'd held down the Servitor with suddenly grew taught. Suddenly both startled men were lifted into the air by the shackles. They only had enough time to scream out in terror as both were whipped into the room by the sheer mechanical brute force of the servitor.
"Batter up!" The Princess yelled as two screaming soldiers were immediately smacked in the face with the single butt of the laslock. The guards were simultaneously knocked unconscious and unceremoniously tossed into the pile, but not before the golden laurel one let go of the shiny object in their hand.
The golden leafy crown flipped several times in the air like a coin, spinning around and around before somehow miraculously landing perfectly upon the bloody and cake filled silver hair of the Vomia Princess. A golden glow began emanating from the wreath, as a light from a stained glass window inexplicably shined down upon the triumphant warrior princess. It just so happened that the window she was standing before was that of the Emperor of Mankind, the imposing golden figure towering above my back.
It wasn't until much later did I learn how this all made me seem to some of the more Emperor fearing among the crowd, some of which still tell stories to this day... I still cringe each time I hear it being told.
A hush fell upon the great hall, the remaining nobles stared with rapt attention to the violent and bloody disheveled Princess. Many were dazed, holding their swollen bleeding heads, but a few seemed to began to realize they couldn't win this match. There was only so much fight in a group of rich fuckers who only ate cake all day after all.
"NO!" Krumb bellowed from his chair, violently rocking back and forth to get up. "That's mine to wear, not yours!"
I stared numbly at the fat bastard, the blood fugue starting to wear off. My lungs were burning with the effort I put them through, I swear I wasn't quite this out of shape before. In my youth I could have taken twice as many of these shitless rable.
"Come... And take it... You miserable cunt." I wheezed.
Wrong choice of words I soon realized. Despite his engorged size my uncle still had the strength to hold himself up. With a pop the chair finally came undone from his rear, falling to the marble floor with a clatter. Grabbing a hock of meat by the bone the behemoth wielded it like his own personal war club. "You've taken everything from me! Everything!" Krump stamped his foot, sending a shudder through the floor. "Especially your Father! Even from beyond the grave he continues to snub me! So now I'll just take what's rightfully mine myself!"
Krumb began to run at me... It was like a four hundred pound wrecking ball was charging directly at me.
"Oh shit..." I ducked a swing by the massive turkey leg, the crispy sizzling meat barely missing me by an inch. I backpedaled as Krumb's other meaty paw tried reaching out to snatch at me. It was hard trying to avoid being crushed by the sheer massive weight of this usurper, if he got too close he'd probably just fall on top of me and smother me to death.
"GIVE IT TO ME!" Krumb bellowed, grabbing again with his free hand, this time aiming for the crown perched atop my head.
"Nah! Fuck you! How about you take this instead!" I swung the nearly broken wooden matchlock, it struck Krumb right in the gut. But, as I soon found out, I should have known better than to strike where he was most armored...
"Heh, that tickles!" I began to sweat, realizing that my club was now somehow stuck between the folds of fat... Gross.
While I was distracted Krumb successfully managed to grasp me around the neck with his giant hand, his chubby fingers immediately began choking the life out of me with appalling strength. "You've really done it now you bastard child! Your whole rotten family has gone and made a fool out of me for the last time!"
I couldn't do anything as the wind was slowly chocked out of me. My eyes burned as blood and air struggled to flow past the vice grip latched around my neck. The corners of my vision started to blurr as darkness began to creep in.
That was it... I was going to die here, at the hands of this fat greasy bastard. I didn't even know why he was so dead set on believing in this fantasy world of his about a crown and kingdom, but this lunatic was going to murder me over it.
Why? Why did I have to suffer like this? I just woke up after nearly being crushed to death by a bus, and now a stranger the size of a bus was crushing me with his hands. How did that equate? I just wanted to do my job and live my life peacefully... It wasn't a great life, yeah, but I tried so hard to make my way through it. Instead I'm pushed down by my bosses and driven like a slave by bastards like this fatass! How's that my life!?
Indignant anger filled me, I wanted to scream and curse this oaf for murdering me! I wanted to curse those like my boss that escaped justice because I was forced to help them take money for themselves! The greedy gutless bastards! If I see them again in the next life I promise my ghost will bring them to justice!
Then a miracle happened... An angel decended from heaven and saved my worthless hide... Or rather, Catherine stabbed Krumb in the back.
The massive pile of lard screeched in incoherent pain, his hands dropping me in favour of grabbing at the sword now sticking out of his back. I roughly landed on the marble floor with a clatter, the shock making me take a gasp of fresh air through my throughly abused windpipe as the colour soon returned to my vision.
"AAAAGH! I'VE BEEN STABBED!?" Krumb shouted, desperately trying to pull the rapier out of his back. "TREACHERY! TREACHERY!" He began spinning in circles as he comically tried to reach around his enormous folds of fat, blood squirted out of his back in spurts.
"Are you alright dear!?" Catherine rushed over to my side, she looked white a sheet with worry. (well, whiter than reasonably safe for an average Human at least.)
"Kughff! Ow ow ow... That... Fuckin hurts." I wheezed out.
"I-I don't know what's possessed you to act like this Olivia! I never knew you could be so violent!" Catherine shook her head, but steeled her face when she looked over at the stampeding juggernaut knocking over tables and platters of food. "But... If Krumb wins here today then none of us will live, I'm sure of it."
"D-Don't worry," I grunted, "I don't plan on stopping now..." As I got back up to my feet, the glowing sensation deep inside myself I felt earlier grew brighter; perhaps it was my spite giving me just enough energy to keep going, but I could have been wrong, it really did feel like something else was giving me the courage I normally wouldn't have. I felt like I was drunk on something, as I staggered forwards I nearly slipped on a smushed pastry. "I-I feel weird, honestly, I don't think I should be doing this with a concussion... But fuck it."
Whatever the source of this sensation was, it at least managed to numb some of the pain around my neck. I reached down to pick up a rapier that had been discarded by one of the other noblemen. I looked at the gilded blade, observing the many artistic swirls of silver inlaid to the hilt. "I don't know how I ended up in this mess... And I've got a lot of fucking questions once this is all over." I looked over to the strange woman who'd been helping me up each time I got knocked down, she might have been the most unnaturally beautiful thing I've ever seen, which in and of itself made me question what she really was, but even makeup and acting could only take things so far. As pretty as she was it was by no means an invincible armor. By the terrified look in her eyes I could tell she honest to god believed that this Krumb guy was about to kill us.
Catherine nodded hesitantly, but the certainty was there in her voice as she promised to answer my questions. "I'll try and help you remember as much as you need, dear."
I nodded back, "Good, I appreciate it." I turned back to face the rampaging fat nobleman. He'd made a further mess out of the court, with many more tables flipped and with his blood gushing out everywhere it was leaving the area drenched in crimson. "...and I didn't say it yet, but thank you for saving me back there."
Catherine stood back, looking at the person she believed was her daughter. "Anytime, dear. I'll always be there for you." Then and there, she swore she saw the same image she'd seen decades before, of a proud and noble Human that fought to protect those he cared for. "...You'd make your father proud if he could see you now."
My feet were moving before I had realized, drawing me ever closer to the berserking giant. By this point even the other nobles had fled the scene, a few that had tried in vain to help assist their panicked leader had wound up instead crushed underneath the flabby giant's stubby boots. I noticed some of those I had knocked out before had been inadvertently crushed by the lumbering lord, he didn't seem to care where he stepped at all. I looked down at one of the still bodies of a noble lady, and despite how she had jeered and probably thrown food at me earlier I felt a sadness fill me. Where she'd last drawn her breath through her crushed sternum I could tell she was reaching out to another trodden man. Perhaps they were husband and wife or some other sort of family? The final moments of the two brought it to me that these were still people with some soul left in them. I gritted my teeth, not wanting to look away.
A child's scream was enough to rip my eyes away from the tragedy. I looked up in time to see the captured boy from earlier cowering in a corner with the toad bastard barreling down on him. "G-get away Uncle Krumb! Y-You're scaring me!"
"If I can't start with your sister I'll start with you, you little shit! Your family will pay for wounding me! YOU'L ALL PAY!"
Now, I was never really a violent person before this, rather the opposite in fact. I allowed others to take the reins of my life, to push me around and tell me what to do. Whether it be being forced out of the baseball team as a kid because of jealousy, being bossed around by my manipulating and corrupt boss, or even allowing fate to sweep me through life on it's on whims like an ocean current, I allowed it all to happen without fighting back.
Well I'm done taking that kind of shit! If someone is trying to kill me I'd rather avoid it if possible, but now when I'm seeing the manifestation of pure uncaring evil murdering others for such a stupid reason then I'd rather go out fighting!
"HEY! KRUMBALL!" I shouted, rapping the rapier against the marble. The metallic scraping noise I made perked at the giant's ear, twisting it's head away from the small boy he was about to crush. "LOOKING FOR ME!?"
Krumb didn't say anything, but to wordlessly scream out incoherently in primal rage. Like an obese rhinoceros the great big bastard started to charge in my direction. Good, now to lure him away. I thought, a task easier said than done as I tried to make sure the lout wouldn't crush any more unconscious people.
As I ducked under tables and hoped over spilled catering carts I drew Krumb all the way over to the far side of the large courtroom. I pondered how to deal with the giant as I kited him, simple attacks would only bounce off his hide or get stuck in the giant usurper's blubber, so I had to find another way of eliminating him for good. I didn't have the strength to pick up one of the large tables, so I'd need to find something else to hit him with.
"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!!!" Krumb kept bellowing, knocking things over as he plowed straight through any obstacle.
After dodging one of his telegraphed swipes I spotted the sword that Catherine had impaled Krumb with. It was still sticking out of the fat bastard's back, spurting blood occasionally. The bloody sword glinted in firelight from chandeliers above, as well as the shifting colourful light that came from the massive stain glass windows littering all over the great hall. I followed the ropes holding up the large metal light fixtures, seeing how one of them led near a certain wall. The beginnings of an idea took root.
"Hey Krumb, I wonder how much money I'd get if I melted this dumb little laurel down?" I goaded the beast on.
"NNNGGHAA!"
"I thought so, only about enough for perhaps a steak or two. Shame, I'm getting really hungry though!"
I broke out into a run, my heels clacking loudly against the marble tiles, though they were slowly being dwarfed by the thunderous thuds of Krumb's stubby shoes as he grew near.
I ran straight to the particular wall I'd spotted earlier, it was one with a stain glass mosaic of what looked like a black haired angel with great big white wings. It was large enough that in order for the wall to hold such a glass mural it had to be cut lower, so low in fact it nearly touched the floor.
"You'll never get this crown if you don't catch me!"
"Just-huff huff," Krumb wheezed, all the exertion and blood loss starting to get to him "Just you wait you little bitch! I'll wring your neck so hard this time your head will pop off!"
I needed to get him just a bit closer to the wall for my plan to work, the timing had to be perfect. "You couldn't pop your own rocks off if you tried you disgusting pig!" And with another incoherent blabbering shout Krumb gave one final charge.
I turned around at the wall and met his lumbering charge, sword raised high. The toad king laughed, giggling as he ran right at me. The way I was holding the sword was all wrong! I couldn't impale his fat with the flat edge of a rapier! It'd take forever to hack through all the fatty meat to reach any vital organ, and by that time I'd already be crushed beneath his grasp.
The look of absolute puzzlement Krumb had when I threw the sword to the side was priceless, I almost wished I had my cell phone with me. The blade struck it's intended target perfectly, however, and that's what counted.
I ducked down again, this time sliding along the polished tile right between the two stubby legs of the massive man child. Normally, I don't think I could've fit underneath the rotten smelling mass, but with my body as it was now I somehow knew I'd fit through... Weird how I somehow knew how my body was smaller, bodies don't shrink like that. So many things had felt different or 'off' in the past few minutes that I'd lost count by this point, but instead of questioning it all I rolled with the punches, or rather slid, then rolled, as once on the other side I didn't stand up, but instead started rolling out of the way.
Krumb gave an annoyed grunt, expecting me to have merely tried slipping past him to continue the chase. The look of horror that made it's way across his face was perfection, but only lasted for about a split second as one of the several hundred pound chandeliers hanging from the ceilint came crashing into the lord's face at high velocity. Even with his enormous gut it wasn't heavy or springy enough to absorb the hit, and instead took the wannabe king straight through the massive window behind him. Glass that'd perhaps stood there for centuries shattered in a brilliant rainbow storm of razor sharp blades. A keleidoscope sent the tryant flying.
Krumb, the chandelier, and the stain glass window of the angel fell from the highest spire in the hive city. It would take minutes before his body even struck the ground.
An explosive gust of wind immediately tore past me knocking me to the ground as the air howling as the air pressure shot out of the brand new opening I'd just made. It whipped at me with enough strength that I almost thought that I too would be dragged out of the building. My hands clung to any foothold I could grab onto, which meant nothing to the polished marble floor. Slowly I felt myself be dragged backwards to the open portal and the void beyond. Soon I'd meet the same fate as the butterball tryant and end up a wet smear on the ground somewhere far below.
Okay, I admit I miscalcuated. But really, I didn't expect there be such a pressure difference! I thought we'd be at least a floor or two up, not several thousand! WHY WERE WE SO HIGH UP!? WHO BUILDS A GODDAMN CATHEDRAL IN THE EXOSPHERE?!
Thankfully whoever had built this place had accounted for perhaps such a sudden explosive dip in atmosphereic pressure. Great metal shutters rolled down the window to slam home at that bottom, sealing the breach to the impossibly thin atmosphere beyond.
All I could do was lay there, panting, sucking in as much oxygen as I could. I felt like a fish out of water, literally. My lungs burned and my skin felt nearly frozen solid from the wind ripping all the heat along with the atmosphere from that courtroom.
Soon enough, whatever mechanism this place had to maintain a comfortable living condition pumped air into this part of the structure, managing to stabilize the atmospheres into a breathable mix. By then I was only gasping from exhaustion and not hypoxia. I could distantly hear the clattering of boots, as men that looked like musketeers came running up to where I laid.
"My word... What in the blazes happened here!?" One of them asked peering down at me, he had a funny bushy mustache, so I just giggled at him. My brain felt funny
"Olivia! Are you alright!?" Catherine, with the help of Archie came running up to me next. They both knelt down next to where I lay, attempting to sit me up. Ow! That fucking hurt you know?
"Habba anny moxgygen?" I slurred, giving them a lopsided grin.
Funnily enough, one of the four or five musketeers pulled out an honest to god oxygen mask and small pressurized air tank! I thought it looked too silly on him. A musketeer scoobadiver. Heh. Heh heh. So I laughed and told him exactly what I thought of the strange getup... I got a strange look from the others, but I didn't care, it was funny in an absurd way. At least the oxygen mask fit me.
"Now, your Ladyship," The Generalisimo Mustacheman turned to turned his attention to the only other semi-sane and not oxygen deprived adult present, fixing Catherine with an intense worried look. "I really must know what in the name of the Golden Throne has gone on here... First we recieved reports of your family's abrupt disappearance during the late Governor's funeral ceramony, then some servitor comes rushing into my quarters unannounced to inform us of your capture! Madness! Utter madness!"
"I assure you General, this came as much of a surprise to us as well... I had no idea my cousin was capable of such vile treachery."
The man nodded solemnly, "Well, as you can see, once we understood the situation we rallied forth the PDF and stormed past their weak defenses. We only just heard an explosion in the upper sanctum of the palace spire before we arrived."
Catherine looked to the gunmetal grey sliding seal blocking the broken window before looking back to me, the sorrow and fear she'd held in those mesmerizing purple eyes were gone, replaced by a burning pride. "...Well General, I believe my daughter already took care of the crisis. Her daringness has save us all."
"...Pardon?"
Catherine fixed General 'Better late than never' with a look of utter conviction, her voice swelling with pride the more she spoke on. "Her detestable Uncle had utterly lost his mind with jealousy and greed for the title of Planetary Governorship. Staging this coup d'état after my Husband's funeral and holding us randsome until my son was found." Catherine spoke with obvious distaste to her late cousin and his failed plan, but turned back to a proud mother as she turned her amythist gaze back to myself. "Olivia, my sweet darling daughter, was blessed by the Emperor's own light during the skirmish and took strength to vanquish him and defeat his vile plot! I'd say she's more than earned the title of Governor for herself, wouldn't you agree?"
The General of the musketeers seemed to nearly drop his jaw with the nealry holy revelation, it was certainly a lot to take in all at once, but as the men beheld the utter destruction of the ancient sacred grounds where new Governors were crowned, along with the golden laurel of the Governorship still sitting miraculously atop my frazzled head, they could not deny it would have been impossible were I merely a single mortal. The destruction to the holy site was on par with a natuarl disaster, or so I'd heard.
With a shake of his head he put it all together.
"Of course, I applogize to have ever doubted you my liege!" The man immediately fell to one knee at the foot of my prone self, the rest of his men similarly doing the same. "All hail Olivia Augustine Furina Vomia! Planetary Governor of Vomia and all the subject planets within it's system! Glory to the Emperor! Glory to the new Governor!" The General shouted before crossing his hands over his chest and bowing, along with the rest of the men with him, to me... He was bowing to me. I stared numbly up at him.
Then I noticed something, something I really should have picked up from the very beginning about this place... There, pinned on the General's lapel was an emblem of a two headed eagle... A very familiar two headed eagle.
I'd seen that particular eagle before. I'd read stories about that eagle. I'd even painted that damn eagle. It was an Imperial Eagle, one belonging to the Imperium of Man in the grim darkness of the far future...
It all came crashing in on me all of a sudden, everything was starting to make horrible, horrible sense... I felt my blood drain as I came to my horrible conclusion: I was in stuck several millennium in the future. And I was probably going to die here.
My brain fried, leaving me stranded on the floor I'd woken up on. "...Wot?"